Tom said he read an article about a news anchorwoman who’s had anxiety all her life. Her way of dealing with it was to become an alcoholic. That’s sad. 

Tom also says I’m “stronger” than that. That’s sweet of him but sometimes I don’t feel that way. I am determined, however, to get through this one way or another whether that means ultimately taking anti-anxiety medication regularly, quitting my meds, changing my meds or whatever. I don’t want to drink, of course, but I’m not going to let it rule me. 

Tom assures me I’m already better than a week ago and MUCH better than a month ago. Well, I’m definitely better than a month ago since I no longer have such severe anxiety that turns into downright panic attacks. I’m no longer afraid to be alone or having to call him at work. But that underlying feeling of emotional yuckiness still comes and goes in waves and just 60 seconds of this shit can really crucify the spirit. It’s that bad, and the spontaneous racy heart is annoying as hell. 

I’m just trying to keep busy and focus on happy things. I like being busy anyway, and I like being happy, too. Bad things happen in the world. It isn’t that I’m unaware of that. I just choose not to dwell on it whenever possible. It’s like knowing cigarettes are bad for you and smoking them vs. knowing they’re bad but not smoking them. 

Anyway, I go to take a shower and in the shower, I’m aware of my heart accelerating a bit. I get out, see it’s 110, then I see a spider on the bedroom ceiling where it meets the wall above the bed. Next, I’m thinking, “Oh, great. This is really gonna jack the hell out of my heartbeat,” as I ran for the vacuum to suck the bastard up. But as soon as I did so and sprayed a shot of bug spray into the vacuum before turning it off, I felt perfectly calm. Calm, cool and collected after killing something I’ve always found creepy as hell. Even stranger was that I go on a bike ride on the type of terrain that should bring my heart around 120 and come home to find it’s only at 104. Interesting, huh? Well, I am strong and fit and need a more challenging route like the park’s perimeters. I’m just not brave enough yet for fear of my heartbeat going over 130-140 unless I bring Tom along. We both want to ride together more often regardless of what’s going on, but he has limited time and I have a crazy schedule, so syncing up our rides isn’t that easy. 

I just wish that fucking mutt would quit going off on me and I thank goodness it can’t be heard in the house! I’d be calling that office so damn fast if I were next door. I feel bad for next door unless they’re deaf. I don’t know about that, though, cuz their front light went on for a few minutes and I’ve never known that house to have a motion sensor of any kind. They’ve definitely got the damn things (I think there may be two now) tied up in back of their carport. Either that or they’re barking through an open door/window, but I think they’re actually outside. No one came to shut them up either and certainly, someone had to have been home. What rude assholes! I only made a few rounds around the circle, mostly cuz I felt bad for anyone that was disturbed by it than I did annoyed for myself since our house is far enough away from it and I can escape the damn thing anytime I want to. It was getting late. 

We’ve been talking about taking vacations (to tropical places) every January and mixing up the fun with the home improvements. The home improvements are fun too, but they are time-consuming, a pain in the ass, and costly. But so is traveling. Even a cheap trip to Florida where we flew economy and stayed in cheap motels (Tammy could feed us for the most part), would be at least $1500, and that would be more than the cost of most of what’s left on our “to do” list. The only thing that would cost as much or more than getting new carpet would be if we replaced windows and had a company rip out our too many trees, bushes and plants and replaced them with gravel or something simple like that. 

Yesterday morning I did my nails in gold gel chrome. It is a bit thicker than regular polish but you can still see the ridges I have in my nails. Not as much, but still somewhat. Can’t wait to see if it really lasts longer than regular polish since this is an epoxy and not acrylic. I stuck my hands out in the bright sunlight yesterday morning as Tom was watering and that helped set the epoxy quickly. The dazzling gold was blinding in the sunlight! 

Later… 

Bye-bye, thyroid meds. You may’ve given me a metabolism for a while but you also made me miserable and drove me crazy. I’d rather be fat, fatigued and forgetful once again than deal with the racy heart you gave me and the anxiety from hell. 

Yes, I have quit all my meds. Ah, an 84 heartbeat is much comfier than a 112. NO DOUBT whatsoever in my mind that it WAS the meds. My PCP isn’t very bright or at least isn’t very experienced with Hashimoto’s cases. I’ve read that so many others also said it took a couple of months for the symptoms to get them too, and that they did come on rather quickly when they did. As I told Tom, if he can think of some alternative that will let me treat the disease without killing me, let me know, but right now I can’t come up with anything. Other meds mean problems with doses. Numbers are critical so lowering the dose is out. I can’t “get used to it.” I could mask the symptoms with a permanent chill pill but then I will always live in a fog. I would rather feel good and have this thing kill me in 5 years than suffer the side effects for 10 or more years. It was a truly God-awful feeling. We weren’t just talking about a dry mouth or something like that. Even the hair loss was nothing compared to the anxiety, racy heart, funny feeling when I’d swallow, and eye/head pressure. Might have to work out more now to counteract the slowing metabolism and ward off joint pain. That joint pain wasn’t just age or lack of exercise, but the Hashimoto’s. I just didn’t know it at the time just like I didn’t know the hoarse voice, wimpy periods and other shit were connected. 

I only ask that if I appear forgetful to friends that they keep in mind it’s not that I’m not paying attention or that I don’t care. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother with them in the first place. 

Anyway, I know there are some risks in not treating my condition, but life is about taking risks, isn’t it? Every time you get in your car you risk getting into an accident. Every day there is a risk that a meteorite may fall on our heads. As my metabolism slows the weight gain and fatigue will return and my heart will be at risk, but if anything bad really does happen that should be years away. A coma, as the heartbeat gets slower and slower and the metabolism completely dies, should come with plenty of warning because you should feel exhausted all the time. There’s the risk of a goiter too, because the thyroid will now try to work harder to produce what it can’t produce on its own and that can enlarge it. Again, this would take years. 

I realized that the only thing in the way of me feeling better was ME and that if I just stop taking the damn pills I’d be better. I’d just have the original symptoms, though they are certainly the lesser of the two evils. God still hates me but I’M in control of my life. Besides, I know He’s not going to kill me anytime soon. He can’t have fun torturing me in some way or another every few years if I’m dead. 

I will survive. I will just do it in a way that doesn’t make my heart feel like it’s going to jump out of my chest. 

I’m going to love being pill-free once again except for my vitamins and not having to worry about remembering to take them and what over-the-counter stuff might interact with them, though I would’ve put up with the hassle had they not made me feel the way they did.