Unfortunately, I got a little anxious late last night and took a happy pill shortly before bed for the first time in a week. Tom said he didn’t understand why I was so against taking them when I asked if he thought I should take one or not. It isn’t that I’m against it; it’s just that I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to. 

My heart wasn’t racing and I wasn’t having those dizzy spells that make you feel like you’re going to pass out. No runs either. I just felt almost as if there was an invisible pressure on my throat and like swallowing was a touch difficult. There was an underlying feeling of apprehension I just couldn’t shake no matter how much I tried to focus on the millions of positive things going for me. The nurse was right when she said you can’t control this shit. You learn to live with it but you can never know when or where it’s going to hit you. I’m sure those who have never experienced it may be tempted to roll their eyes and say, “Get over it. Just get over it.” 

Oh, how wonderful and easier life would be if we could “just get over” this or “just tell ourselves” that. 

But I can and will learn to deal with it. It’s all I can do. Tom just said he read that Robin Williams was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and that’s probably what pushed him over the edge. I wonder what additional diagnoses may push ME over the edge, but I hope I won’t have to find out. A part of me wishes I could rewind the hands of times to before January 14th when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, back to when I was pill-free save for an occasional painkiller or allergy pill. Yet while it would be nice to just stop taking pills and quit going to doctors, that would only invite the original symptoms back into my life and they would ultimately kill me. So I feel kind of stuck at times. Not exactly looking forward to what may lie ahead, but knowing I can’t go back either. 

The anxiety and feelings of underlying dread and doom are getting less severe and less frequent so that much is good. Will I ever have to go back to the therapist and take full-time anxiety pills? I don’t know that yet. I hope not. I don’t want to have to spend $35 every week or two just because we can. I’d rather spend that money on things for the house and for our savings as well. 

Tom and I are pretty sure that while screwing up my meds last month has a part in it, I was always naturally anxious, but I eventually got used to it and learned to live with it. Besides, we often handle things easier at 20 than at 48. Then as my thyroid died off, the anxiety went away. Remember, the thyroid affects everything and not just weight. Now that I’m on thyroid medication I’m “normal” again as far as what’s normal for me goes, and the anxiety is back and I have to learn once again to deal with it. I’m not used to feeling this degree of anxiety, not that I didn’t have my anxious moments when the shit would hit the fan in life before the diagnosis. But it was a different kind of anxiety that was less physical, if that makes any sense. 

I woke up feeling a bit antsy but when Tom came home we chatted and I ate, then I felt better and decided to hold off on the chill pill. I hope I stay that way for the rest of the night! 

On the bright side, I’ll probably never lose those 20 pounds with all the weekend snacking I love to do, but shouldn’t have to worry about gaining uncontrollably like I once did. Furthermore, Tom will have earned around $300 extra with just 6 hours of OT during the week, plus working Saturday. Back when he was working 10 hours during the week and 8 hours on Saturday, we could’ve lived off just the OT alone. 

The extra money will help a lot because while the bulk of the home improvements is done, we still need to finish the painting, redo the kitchen ceiling, get a living room set, get a new garbage disposal, redo the floors and several other things as well. The place could use new toilets, and we still have a house and car to pay off.