Happy 54th birthday to Nane, wherever she is. I emailed her twice but haven’t received a response. I let her know it on her wall, but that post disappeared. I’m not in the mood to play tag games with her right now. I need to get myself better. 

Polly didn't return to my blog last night. She must not want that cracker, haha. I included a picture of a parrot in the post and the famous “Polly want a cracker?” thing. Of course, if I hadn't made that post in her honor she would've been. My guess is she's Pauli. That was probably a nickname of hers. I'm also guessing she may've had an abortion when she was young and she was looking to see if I knew about it and mentioned it. If I'm right, though, I don't see why it would matter to her all these years later, but who gives a shit. 

Later… 

Here’s the latest health update, then hopefully – hopefully – I will soon be able to talk about other things more often because my health and emotional state will be under control. 

First, I’m glad my birthday picture made it to Nane's wall and that she likes it. Messages and other things are screwed up there, as usual. 

I know I’ve said some negative things about doctors in general in my recent posts and that I have trust issues when it comes to them and all that. They may be doctors and they may be intelligent, but they’re still only human, and well, human beings do make mistakes at times. It isn’t that I don’t think mine know what they’re doing or that I’m afraid to trust them, but I sometimes fear the levothyroxine was more responsible for my anxiety than they may realize. Now don’t get me wrong, it was probably a number of things feeding off of each other, as Tom believes. I don’t know if he’s right about my subconscious thinking we don’t deserve to have the great life we now have, or that my subconscious was telling me the meds were bad, but I do know that it’s looking more and more like the levothyroxine really did have the biggest play in the booming heart and intense negative emotions. We do usually know ourselves best and I can truly say that I’ve never had anxiety that extreme before no matter how shitty my life has been at times. It does make sense that some substance was influencing it. I don’t think the levothyroxine was necessarily 100% responsible but it may’ve been around 80%. It’s still too soon to say for sure what things had how much of an influence on causing the shitty feeling. For once, though, it’s definitely not money. For many years, when something went wrong, it was usually about money. Now I just feel like shit. Getting better, but still not 100%. 

The first half of my day yesterday sucked. Even though I sure felt like I was going to die and I knew from a logical standpoint that I wouldn’t, it was still scary as hell. Like walking into a room and finding a giant spider on the wall. You know that spider isn’t going to jump off the wall and kill you but you’re still terrified. 

I spoke with one of my endo doc’s nurses, and apparently, they all keep in touch with each other as to what’s going on. I didn’t know my primary care would know I stopped the levothyroxine until I saw her in January. I didn’t think I’d hear from the endo doc again either, but the nurse told her to tell me of all the horrible and even deadly things that could go wrong if left untreated (long term, of course, and not tomorrow or next week or even next month)… enlarged thyroid, nerve damage, coma, etc. 

She also had a message from my primary care saying that I needed to see her. I will be seeing her on September 3rd, but I haven’t heard back from the endo doc yet. Although she isn’t always prompt, it’s too bad I can’t be flattered that they’re trying to get me back in cuz they actually care about me when it’s probably really about money. Who knows, though, maybe they do care. Still, I know I have to put my trust in them soon enough and get this dealt with. I even postponed the dentist and my ear doc for now since this is more critical. 

So anyway, I woke up with my heart a bit racy and took a chill pill. As I feel better and better and more convinced it was the levothyroxine, I can now move on to my next worry and that’s what the hell else can I take that won’t cause me to feel so lousy??? Tom and Tammy both tell me not to worry and that all I need is a minor adjustment, but I DO worry. Sometimes, seeing is believing for me, and until I can see I can treat my Hashimoto’s without feeling like I’m going to die, I cannot fully rest easy. It is a HUGE HUGE relief, however, to be feeling better. That was one of the worst physical experiences I ever had, and it was no fun emotionally either. If I could suddenly know for sure that I’d never experience it again I just might crack up in tears of relief that’s how horrible it was. It’s one more thing to add to my list of traumatic memories, but I’d rather it be a memory than a reality. If another attack does get me later on (I have, after all, falsely thought I’d seen the last of them before), then that’ll suck too, cuz then it could be almost anything. I think Tom’s right, though. It isn’t just one thing. I personally think it was mostly the levothyroxine. 

I’m worried for my sister who’s understandably worried for herself who has to see her pulmonologist today. A friend’s taking her because she doesn’t want her to go alone. That’s nice of her. If I was alone and all my friends lived in town, I wonder how many of them would offer to take me if I were in her shoes? 

With the way medicine is so advanced today and advancing even more, I believe they will figure something out. Even if they can’t make her better, I think they can help keep her from getting worse. 

The gel nails are definitely worth the extra money. Day 5 and I have just a few chips on the tips of 3 nails on my right hand while the left hand almost looks like it was just done. It’s good for if you’re going on vacation for a week or so and you don’t want to take regular polish and make touch-ups along the way. We paid $25 for a set of a color base coat and a topcoat, plus another color base. 

Saw Jim again when I was out riding earlier. Yesterday I said hello to Bob while he was puttering around in the garage. They’re getting a new oven, so I guess that’s why I’ve been hearing him in there more lately. 

Later… 

Without Tom and Tammy's support and constant reassurance, which we all need at times, I think I’d either be dead or in the hospital. Words cannot express how grateful I am to them for their patience and compassion. 

The good news is that Tammy didn’t say she had anything terminal when she left a voice message, but she does have a lot of scarring and inflammation along the wall of her chest. Her bronchial tubes are also messed up and I guess that means mucus gets clogged in them. They’ve got her on antibiotics. 

As for my case, she says my Hashimoto’s disease is causing some of my anxiety (I never had attacks like this prior to the meds, though), but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m just an anxious person; anxious over the unknown, trying to get help, etc, but the absolute worst thing I could do is stop the meds. She thinks I should take it at least every other day. I still want to wait till I see the doctor, though, which is only a couple of weeks away. 

She too, recommended deep breathing and pointed out that all meds have some side effects and that I just have to mentally overcome that (HOW?). She said she goes about her day without worrying if her breathing problems are going to act up and all that, but she’s tougher than me. I feel just fine right now but what’s spoiling my chances of enjoying it fully is knowing that any second, I probably won’t be fine at all. I’m just a wimp, I guess. 

I woke up with a racy heart just before midnight and was fine till around 8am when my heart raced on and off for an hour or so. It sucked but was too soon to take a chill pill. I could take one now, but now I’m ok, so I’ll skip it for now. I just miss the old me!!!