My day ended miserably yesterday and started off just as hellish, but first… prior to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I remember telling Tom that I wasn’t sure what would be worse… the doctors not finding anything wrong, leaving me to wonder why the hell I kept gaining weight WITH diet and exercise, or if they did indeed find something wrong. I finally decided it’d be best if they just told me my thyroid was dead so I could treat it and get on with my life without gaining any more weight. Well, they sure did, alright. Only problem is that while it did seem like a quick and simple fix at first – just swallowing a couple of pills – little did I know that I would develop anxiety worse than anything I’d ever experienced even when my life was at its worst. Like being with an abusive mother, stuck in state-run nightmares as a teen, jailed for a crime I did not commit, or poorer than poor itself. 

I took the pills. I stopped gaining weight. I even lost a little, and a little is a lot at my height. But ever since July 9th, life as I’ve known it came to an end, making my weight seem like NOTHING. I still have random anxiety attacks that affect me both physically and mentally. Racing heart, feelings of suffocation, and just about every negative emotion under the sun only it’s intensified in ways I hope my readers can and will never comprehend. Nothing I do and nothing I tell myself seems to stop them and I can never know when they’re going to hit or how hard they’ll hit when they do. How severe will the panic be? How scary will it be? How much will I fear I’m going to die or end up in the hospital? When will it happen? I just can never know. The only thing I do know is that this is NO way to live. 

I fell asleep at 1pm (I’m on half days/half nights right now) and could not stay asleep to save my life. I’ve always been known to wake up a few times throughout my sleep, but this was like every 20 minutes or so. At 4:15, I jumped out of bed with a racing heart and took a chill pill. Unfortunately, though, my anxiety escalated to full-blown panic before the pill could take effect and Tom left work a little early, even though he’d already done some OT. 

In my state of panic, I questioned the off-chance of it being my heart and not just anxiety and he said that with all the doctors that have listened to my heart lately, that was not only unlikely but that I’d already be dead by now if it was. Hearts don’t usually act like that for months before they get you. “See, it’s calming down now that we’re talking and I’m not magic.” 

I agree there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me in that sense, or life-threatening, but we’ve decided that the best thing to do is to put me in reset mode, so to speak, and let my body empty out of all its chemicals. I'm not taking anything but lorazepam when I need to relax and ibuprofen when I'm in pain, because that’s not part of this equation, as Tom pointed out. They do their job and then they leave the body. They’re not long-term like the thyroid and cholesterol meds. That’s why they took so long to catch up to me. 

We now speculate it's not just one thing causing these horrible feelings, but possibly a number of things. Just the whole chemical overhaul and all that. We think that I simply made too many changes too fast and my little body simply couldn't handle all the drastic changes and that it threw my chemicals off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. So I am taking a week off from it all. A short time isn't going to cause my thyroid to kill me nor will my cholesterol jump that fast. I am watching what I eat and avoiding eggs and high-cholesterol foods for now. There are a few external anxieties as well, like not knowing what’s going on with my sister. 

After a week or so, then we'll decide what's best to do once I'm in reset mode and all the drugs are out of my system. One way or another I've GOT to stop these attacks. They're crucifying in every sense of the word, having my heart race to 120 when I'm just sitting there and feeling like I can't breathe and going to die. The feeling of utter doom when my life is otherwise going great is truly debilitating and I'm determined to stop it whether that means going with no meds, different meds, homeopathic treatment... whatever it takes. I'd rather live just 5 more happy years than 30 feeling like this! It is THAT bad. All I know is I can't do too much too fast at my size. I may be 20 pounds overweight, but I'm not even 5 fucking feet. 

As soon as I got up at 11pm, sure enough, my heart was booming in the 120s and I felt like shit. It’s going to take a week or so for all this shit to get out of my system. I’m just trying not to think, then what? Then what??? What if I can never treat my thyroid because everything throws off my chemicals and makes me a basket case? I’m trying to take Tom’s advice and take one day at a time without worrying about a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now. It took 4 hours but right now I feel just fine. But how will I feel in a few hours from now? That’s the scary question. I’m trying to turn those future thoughts off, but it’s not easy. One thing I can say for sure is that a part of me wishes I’d never even gone to the doctor in the first place. Ever. I would go back to living in poverty in a heartbeat to get rid of these God-awful feelings! 

My mouth was dry all day yesterday too, but that was probably my fault for having too much soda and not enough water, so I’m making sure I water myself down today. 

Facebook is fucked up AGAIN and Nane has been unable to see my messages, so I emailed her. I thought something was up. She and her family also vacationed up in "den Bergen." She said to check out the pics, but I don't see any on her wall. :( 

What else… Bob was hammering something in his garage yesterday morning at 9:30. Then I heard what sounded like duct tape being unrolled, and then a vacuum. Really hope he doesn’t make a habit of making a racket, but that would actually be quite a luxury as opposed to these killer anxiety attacks.