I am still wide awake and I probably will be for quite a while. I thought Crystal was at work and I wondered why she wasn’t home yet, so I called and was told that today was her day off. She’s probably with Mike.

Nothing much happened in court yesterday. The other party never even showed up.

Earlier tonight I finally got around to changing the bedroom around. I dusted and rearranged the walls. I also did some work in the kitchen. Tomorrow I’ll need to change the pig’s cage, vacuum and mop. Crystal can finish the rest of the dusting.

I was up all last night and didn’t get to bed until around 5am, so I slept all day today.

I was pissed off over Crystal’s refusal to do any cleaning. I’ll just up her rent.

She should be home any minute. I hope. I could use the company, despite her laziness.

Mary D fucking set me up tonight (a gay girl I met through Crystal). She said she was gonna come and get me at 10:30 and she never showed up. I was told a million different excuses for that. She’s out of my book. She’s just not worth it and she does that every time she owes me something, and she’s also ugly as hell, so what’s the point?

I think I’ll go see Emily tomorrow. I spoke to her tonight. She said for me to call her first because she doesn’t know exactly what she has planned for tomorrow. Hope I can see her. I haven’t for a while.

I ran out of smokes and that’s it! I quit! I’m not spending the fortune you have to pay for cigarettes. I can’t even fucking breathe and shit if I’m gonna lose the voice I worked so hard to get to sing with.

Yesterday, Tammy came in from Salem with Lisa and Rebecca. We met at Friendly’s. After Tammy and I left Friendly’s, we went to see her doctor who had to explain to her about the dental surgery she is to be having. Then after that, we returned to Friendly’s where we met Tera, Bill S’s daughter. Bill S is a lawyer that Tammy once liked. Finally, before she made the trip back home, she came to my place for a little while and met Crystal.

Lisa was so thrilled to see the pigs, as usual.

I spoke on the phone to Mary, Stuart, Fran and Kevin. When I tried to call Jenny, she said she’d call me back some other time cuz she said she was in the shittiest mood she’s ever been in. A few hours later I tried to call her, but she was asleep.

Wednesday, I walked up to the deli for a bite to eat, then took the bus downtown. There I bought a Laura Branigan 45, some musk lotion, Charlie perfume, and a checkered wool mini skirt for only $5.

Tuesday, I had a great time at the Willie Ross in my sign language class. The class was all in sign. No voices were used at all. The teacher tested us with fingerspelling, signs and numbers.

First of all, at the beginning of the class, we signed with no voice and stated our names, and our weaknesses and our strengths. I said that I could sign very well but that my receptive skills were weak.

I think I have lost 3 or 4 pounds. Tomorrow I’m going to try to avoid eating if I can. I’d like to get down to 95-100 pounds. Crystal was up to 101. Now she’s back to 97. Lucky bitch. She has no muscle, though, and is nowhere near as solid as I am. I did some exercises tonight. I’m a little sore, but I hope to lose more weight.

Crystal damn well better start helping out with chores. I told her she better vacuum tomorrow and said I’d mop.

I got a tote bag and a mug from the book clubs. I also have 14 more books coming. I’ve been getting them in exchange for signing up others into the clubs. I think I’ll definitely need to set up more shelves. The gold plastic ones. I just don’t know where. Maybe in the hall where the wooden stand and fern plant is. Or in the bedroom where the chair is. Maybe I’ll set them up side by side with the other shelves out in the hallway where the door release is.

There’s also this book service (not a book club) that sends you 6 romance novels every month for $12.50. No obligation and you can cancel at any time. It’s just that romance isn’t really my thing. I like suspense, but I may try it anyway.

Rose called from Community Care. She’s to be my new therapist. Rose also does intake. She’s fat and ugly, too. I miss Trisha. I want her back. Rose and I are to meet on Sundays at 3pm.

Today I am going downtown. I am going to buy a pair of shoes, a record of Laura Branigan’s, and just basically browse around and kill time. First I think I’ll walk up to the deli and get my coffee. Then I’ll take the bus downtown.

The new doctor I saw yesterday really seems to make sense and I think he knows what he’s talking about. He agrees with me about there being no way I could be bipolar. He thinks I’m hyperactive, which is true.

Kevin is here now and I just called Crystal. She wants him here when she gets home so we can both play with his head. I told Kevin she had a crush on him, but of course, she doesn’t.

I have finally found a shorthand book and have learned some, though it’s not a beginner’s book.

Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with Dr. Franklin, the new shrink that’s replacing Dr. Heronimo. I’m sure he’s just like the others. Maybe I can find out how long it’s going to be before I see a new therapist.

I am at the X doing my laundry. Kevin drove me here. My clothes are still in the washer and I am sitting down next to Nervioso writing in this journal. I just finished a cigarette.

Yesterday was my bastard brother Larry’s birthday. Hope he eats shit and dies. Haven’t seen him for a couple of years. Not since he and the roommate (Michelle L) I had in my first apartment on Locust St. used the hell out of me. This was before Larry threatened me. I even filed charges against him in court till he sweet-talked me into dropping them before going our separate ways.

Today I got my temporary ID from welfare and they took my picture. It will be ready any day after February 5th. I got $20 in food stamps.

I went looking for a beginner’s book on shorthand but couldn’t find one. I was surprised.

I went to Shopper’s Drug and got 5mg of Navane, and guess what? According to Monte, they come even lower than 5mg!

Crystal went to get her kids. She was supposed to come back here to get me but she hasn’t shown up yet.

I also cannot get a hold of Kevin. Who knows where he is or what errands he’s doing?

I want to go look for that book on shorthand, which looks like it’d be a fun thing to learn, and I also need to redeem my food stamps. Then I’m going to see if I can get a 5mg refill. I’m hesitant about taking 10mg anymore.

My niece Lisa’s birthday is on the 20th. She’ll be 5. I must get her a gift. I don’t know what.

Stuart just called to say he is on his way over for a visit.

I haven’t written since Monday. I’ve wanted to but I got lazy.

Got 6 more books today. Now my shelves are jam-packed.

Later...

Stuart left, thank God. He seemed quite aggravated about something.

I got up at 10am today and chatted with Crystal for a while, then Mike came over and took us out to do errands.

Crystal was going to have a tooth pulled but forgot her Medicaid card. I had her scared for a while too, telling her they ran out of Novocain and that their tools broke. I said she’d have to have it pulled with a pair of pliers and no Novocain. She fell for it for a while, the gullible geek!

I got fried shrimp at the Eastfield Mall. She got pizza. Then Mike got gas and drove us home.

The nervous bastard called all aggravated about God knows what and then I pulled my little game of crossed call-waiting.

I should’ve received more books today, but I guess not. Maybe tomorrow.

Stuart came over for a visit. He’s a gay guy I knew from Longmeadow High. We are having dinner together. I am cooking chicken wings, noodles, and peas. He says I am a good cook yet I am asking him question after question.

I am going to go over to Stuart’s for spaghetti and meatballs one of these nights.

I need someone to trim my bangs. They’re quite uneven as usual.

Ma called today from Florida. She didn’t have much to say. Just that it’s been raining since I left. True or not, I don’t know. I said hi to Dad briefly. He didn’t say much, either.

José is outside begging Nellie to open the door, but it doesn’t seem like she wants to.

I tried to sleep but can’t. Earlier this evening I managed to track down Diane D, Kevin’s ex-wife, out of curiosity. According to her, Kevin used to beat the shit out of her, and he knocked 3 teeth out of his son Eddie. He was very jealous of Diane and the boys’ friends, too. He owes about $10,000 in child support. I believe everything she told me, too.

I’m tempted not to let him know where I move to, but the problem is he can always find me. Not that I’m afraid of him, but he’s smart enough to go to the post office or the registry of motor vehicles and get a forwarding address. I could kill those agencies! That’s my private business, but they say it’s a matter of public record under the Freedom of Information Act. Fuck that shit! What about freedom of privacy?

The weather is so bad! There’s almost a foot of snow out there and trying to drive out there is miserable. I wanted to do grocery shopping but I couldn’t because it was so bad out there and the nervous bastard was getting quite nervous.

I found out some interesting news from Cathy at the office. Apparently, Crystal had her kids over here, and she is going to pay me $15 for the broken picture frame I just discovered, too. If she doesn’t, she can get the hell out.

I tried to call Mary yesterday and she was more interested in her goddamn shows than my vacation and she never called back. So to hell with her.

The nervous bastard went home after dropping me off. I’m still playing my little game with him where I call him and then I hit the receiver quickly, so he hears a click. Then I tell him I’ve got a call on the other line, then click it again and talk to the so-called caller knowing he can hear me. Oh, the things I say!

Fran is going to drop by tomorrow to see me and also give me the books I ordered through his introductory offer from the Mystery Guild. Speaking of books, I got 8 of them from the account I set up under Toby G and 4 of my own for joining new members. I still have 16 more coming and 3 from Fran. That’s 31 books! Plus, I have more coming from other people like Crystal.

That Troll book club I joined also owes me an introductory offer.

I sure was surprised yesterday at how happy Nellie and Hank were to see me back.

I called Anna and Julia, the two elderly sisters next door, to tell them where I’d been. They were worried, but are glad I’m back and had a good time. We chatted for quite a while.

I haven’t been able to reach Jenny yet. I hope she’s been ok.

At 8 pm all my shows go on but of course, I’ll have to watch in the living room. If this TV conks out then I’ll be without a TV until my parents sell their house and give me theirs.

Nellie says she’s moving in February. Let’s hope so, although at this point it really doesn’t matter too much. Sometimes I wish she’d get the hell out and sometimes I just don’t care. But either way, I’m gonna get my money and she knows it. She says on the 13th or 14th she’ll give me $30. She better!

Right now I am watching Rags to Riches, and afterward, I shall watch Miami Vice.

Later...

Crystal is here now and she is trying on the clothes I gave her. She is so skinny. I’m so envious. I am a fucking whale compared to her.

Now she’s talking on the phone to Fran. She was pissed as all hell at him about him calling her at work, but now they’re chatting quite happily.

I’m home now and I’m so tired! I’m starving too, so I’m gonna eat, then go to bed. I plan to write a lot tomorrow and I also want to do some laundry. I’m not even about to begin to do the rest of the unpacking.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from the bastard downstairs. He’s quite lucky I haven’t, though.

Crystal, who’s out at the moment, left the place nice and neat. She’s quite lucky, too. Just a few minor things out of place. I knew, though, that she would never dust or vacuum. Too lazy to.

Later...

Got up at noon. I am so depressed now. I hate it here! I would rather be back in Florida with my parents, despite our differences. I totally hate it here!

I called Philip but got his girlfriend, Angie. She says she’ll talk to Philip, though I don’t see what he can do.

Crystal is singing like shit, as I wait for Kevin to come and take me grocery shopping. After that, I need to do laundry. I hate to think of seeing Kevin. I’m so sick of him. I explained to Crystal how he gets all nervous. Especially when he disagrees with something you’ve said.

This morning I woke up a little after 6:00 after a series of strange dreams. Then I fell back asleep and woke up to my mother’s voice at 9:00. She and Dad were sitting at the table right outside the sliding glass door. Ma came over and teased me playfully for a while, then I got up and had a cup of coffee, made my bed and packed up. Right now my clothes are in the dryer. Ma washed them all for me. She’s in a good mood. I’m sure that’s cuz I’m leaving.

Ma and I are going to have lunch together today, then at 6:00, I take off. My cousin Philip will be picking me up at Bradley.

I intend to have a chat with Nellie about my money, and I just dare the bastard downstairs to open his mouth. One minute he’s civilized, the next he’s off on some drunken tangent. At least I know I won’t be there much longer.

I really did have a nice little vacation, although I wish the weather had been nicer.

Later...

Dad just went to get turkey club sandwiches for him and Ma and a cheeseburger for me. I’ve never eaten so much or been so hungry since I’ve been here. According to the scale where I was working out at the club, I weigh 116 pounds. Getting quite chunky. Oh well. I’ll lose it this summer like I usually do.

Now the sun’s out. Of course, it is. I’m leaving. If I stayed it would storm.

Dad put gas in the car so it’s ready for Ma and me.

I had run inside for a few minutes only to find Max, their poodle, playing with my socks.

I feel like I’m getting burned, but Ma wants me out here. She said it was good for me before she gave me a pair of sunglasses that are way too big. I believe she only wants me out here cuz she doesn’t like having me around. She had me visit out of a sense of duty, but I doubt her heart was really into the idea of it.

Later...

I just went for a bike ride and now I’m bored again.

I’ll miss Mom and Dad. I won’t be seeing them again till April.

Later...

I’m on the plane again. It doesn’t seem as bad as the other flight though. Yes, it’s loud but not as loud. I am on a smaller plane. A D-C9. The last plane was a 727. I’d like to fly a 747. My ear is blocked, as usual, but not as bad as the last time.

I hope they come around soon with coffee. God knows I could use some. I’ll be on this plane for hours.

You can barely see out the window because it’s dark and cloudy.

The noise and vibration of the engine sure are a pain in the ass but up front, you can’t smoke so I have to put up with it if I want to smoke.

Wow! Now I have a nice view down below. The clouds must’ve cleared. I can’t see too much in detail, though. Only the lights of the roads and houses. I can’t make out cars moving as I could flying in the daytime. The captain just said we’re over Orlando and we’re at 33,000 feet. Says it’s cold where we’re going.

Well, I guess I’ll continue writing in the other book. I’ve just about completed this one.

Later...

In this book, I’m still on the plane. It’s Wednesday and I won’t be arriving till 10:33. In 15 minutes it will be 8:00. We were supposed to take off at 6:15, but we didn’t till 6:30. I guess we arrive in Philly at 8:30 or so.

We do not get dinner, although they said so on the ticket. All we get is a snack. Here it comes now and boy does that coffee smell good.

The pilot just said we’re at 10,000 feet right over Dover, Delaware and it’s 15º!!! Yuck! No more warm weather for me. We’ll be landing in 15 minutes.

When I tell Kevin about my trip to Florida, I’m sure he won’t be interested and will interrupt me to yack only about himself like he usually does.

Later...

We are on the ground in Philly. It is freezing! It sucks! Now I have to wait till 9:40 before we take off again. I just asked the stewardess and she says the flight to Bradley is 52 minutes. Call it an hour, she said.

I look forward to seeing Philip. He’s like a big brother and I love him dearly.

Later...

Here I am flying again, although we will not be going up so high because it is a very short flight. I hope we get there shortly after 10:30. The captain says we’re at 19,000 feet and we’ll land in half an hour. It’s 12º at Bradley. Shit! I could see the snow before as we were landing.

They are getting ready to serve coffee now.

This is not a crowded flight but the last one was from West Palm Beach.

So, in Florida, I visited Stuart, Jensen Beach, St. Lucie and other places.

So far today the weather has been awful. I fly back to Springfield tomorrow. I guess I’m ready because there’s not much to do here, and I miss my pigs and my stereo. I hope everything is ok at home. I’ll have to catch up on my singing. I’ve missed it, although I sang a little today. Very softly. My mom would get pissed if I sang louder than a whisper.

We all agreed that as soon as the house in Longmeadow sells (my folks want to move down here permanently), I will be moving. That should be within 4-6 months. I sure as hell can’t wait! Mom is going to be giving both me and Tammy the furniture. I shall be moving to a better area and into something that’ll hopefully have a dishwasher and an AC. Mom is going to start looking when she returns in April.

When I get home, I’ll be looking forward to seeing Crystal, Jenny, and Mary. Emily won’t be back from her own trip until the 12th. That was originally when I was supposed to return, but it’ll be tomorrow, the 6th.

Today is much cooler and breezier than yesterday. It looks like it’s been wanting to rain but it hasn’t yet.

Mom and Dad are now watching TV, something they do 90% of the time. Later, I guess we’ll be going out to dinner.

At about 9:30 this morning, I went to the pool. There was a cool breeze at that time, so when I got out of the water, I was chilled.

At lunchtime, I drove us all to the clubhouse for a hamburger and some fries.

When the mail came an hour after we ate, I drove Dad up to get it and to put my postcards and their mail in the mailbox. The funniest thing happened when I was preparing to drive us there though. I stepped on the gas to release the hill brake, and without realizing it I kept my foot on it and turned it on, put it in reverse, and man did we go flying out of that driveway! Dad was pissed, but I laughed my ass off.

Sure enough, I’m starting to get quite bored. I wish I could listen to my stereo! I live for listening to music several times a day. And I wish I had my guitar or keyboard, too.

I can’t believe it hasn’t rained yet. It sure looks like it will any minute.

They’re all so engrossed now in that stupid Discovery channel where they’re showing a special on India who plays this sickening music. How can anyone watch something so boring?

I should have brought my Spanish books, but I didn’t think to. Now would’ve been a great time to study.

I’m here now and it is gorgeous! The weather is perfect. Not too hot, cool or humid. There’s one hell of a breeze here on Nettle’s Island where my parents live in a manufactured home. All the people here are around my parent’s age. I don’t think anyone here is under 55. There are no kids, either.

My mom just came out asking me to excuse her for being short cuz she’s had a really bad migraine. She has been kind of a nag, that’s for sure. You just can’t be yourself around her. Shit, I can’t even breathe around her.

My parent’s home is beautiful! Outside the back door is a canal, bringing the ocean right up to within just a few feet of the house. I’m sitting out on the dock right now, actually, as I write this.

Dad has an electric car. I drove it and it’s pretty cool. He and I went swimming today.

Later...

I am still enjoying myself, although my mother is quite a pain in the ass and very bossy.

We went to a really nice buffet with everything - fish, chicken, macaroni, all kinds of veggies, salad, and soups. They had Mexican, Italian and American foods. You can make your own sundae, too.

After dinner Dad took a little nap while Mom and I watched some TV. Then we went to a different pool in the electric car. It was so nice! There was a Jacuzzi, too. Then we all took showers, came home and watched Crocodile Dundee on the VCR. Now I am going to read before crashing for the night.

I’m finally on the plane now. At first, we didn’t think I’d make it here. Eastern was canceled. I’m now flying Continental but we’re delayed by an hour. The last time I was in Florida I was just a baby, therefore, this is really like my first time. It’s hard to write neatly when the plane hits air pockets. It’s dark out there so I can’t really see too much. I have been flying since 1:30. The stewardess says we won’t arrive in West Palm Beach until 7:30. I know I will be exhausted as I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning. I’m sitting right next to the engine and it’s so damn loud that my ear will be ringing all night.

Tomorrow I’m gone! I can’t wait to get the hell away. Crystal and Kevin are going to take care of the pigs and the mail. Tomorrow I just have a few last-minute things to do then I’m gone!