I had quite a hectic day. I went to Food Mart and waited an hour for a taxi which never came, so finally, after waiting for ages for Andy, who’s such a wonderfully considerate friend, he came in a rental car with Nancy, a gay friend of his I never met before. I finally got home, then a few minutes ago I called to thank him and he screams, “Fine! Forget it!” in a really snotty tone.

I am really sick and tired of his shit and his expecting me to be in a perfect mood 24 hours a day and never say anything depressing or negative. This is why I don’t associate with or meet people. I’m tired of kissing ass to the good, decent, stable people and having to watch everything I do or say. I am who I am and if people don’t like it and I’m not good enough for them, then they’re not good enough for me and I’m not gonna just settle for the mental cases and desperados.

Otherwise after getting home and everything over with I was feeling pretty good and Jai cooked us hamburgers, green beans and chicken noodles for dinner.

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat like I was developing a cold, but I think it was just the usual stuffiness I wake up with due to smoking and allergies, and I still haven’t been eating well.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping which I hate. I’d definitely rather clean and do laundry.

I start music school tomorrow! Tomorrow’s my theory class from 3:30-4:30, then Wednesday’s my piano class from 11:30-noon, and voice is from noon-12:30. I’m really psyched, but my breathing’s really pissing me off. I got a scholarship, but cuz they only have so much scholarship money to go around, I put off the guitar for a while.

Jessie did convince me, however, to check out HCC. I know I didn’t give it much of a chance, but that’s cuz I didn’t want to have to take all the other stuff that’s required with it and was terrified of all the paperwork, but she says it’s a cinch and that the extra stuff is easy as hell.

Also, we were discussing the possibility of us moving to Easthampton where there’s no waiting list for subsidy and that’s not a housing project-type building like Carabetta. It allows you to choose wherever you want to live as long as the landlord accepts it, and you can have up to 5 bedrooms even though it’d be just me, her and Wyatt, who’s now 16 months. She is the only other one I could live with besides Andy and even though Andy and I have more in common than me and Jessie, me and Jessie don’t have this tension between us like Andy and I do. Well, I’m not gonna do anything unless I’m 100% sure of it, and if I do it won’t be for a while.

The other night me and Jessie went out to Chinese food and I teased the shit out of her over her $300 phone bill which got disconnected. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. You’d think he’d want to help her out more often. Anyway, she said she’ll call me from a payphone or school or her mom’s house.

Dad was all psyched about school and I think he realizes now that it’s important to me to do only what I love and he definitely feels I’ve got what it takes.

They’re supposed to be sending me some clothes by UPS.

Later...

Well, they screwed up my schedule at school so I missed my fucking piano and voice class today thinking I had theory class instead and I spoke to both my piano and voice teacher and they sounded super nice and said there’d be no problem making it up.

I haven’t heard from Jessie yet today and there’s no answer at Andy’s. He’s probably asleep and I don’t wanna call him if he’s up watching All My Children, his favorite soap, and interrupt him.

Seeing that last night was a Friday night, I was hoping that Linda and Nissan and company would call, but they never did and they probably won’t again. I really wish they’d call, though, and I never should’ve let Linda see the recording device cuz that may scare her from calling. I’m just so curious to hear what they could have to say next.

Hank from over on Oswego St. called last night and today, but I didn’t feel like talking to the drunk. I wonder how long it’s gonna take him to wake up and get the hint without me having to break his face.

The night before last, I got a phone call about Nissan. I talked to two women. I know the first one I spoke with was definitely Linda, asking about Jessie, Andy and Tony. Whoever the hell Tony is beats me, unless she’s talking about Tony the cop. The second person I spoke to knew Nissan for sure and mentioned some of the shit that happened with us, saying she’s out to get me and that she’s talking about me to everyone, and that she investigated me and knows I’m a pain in the ass and that I’ve been arrested, in institutions and so on. She says that Nissan’s been having a hell of a field day at my expense as if that hurts to know. Then, she said she wanted to meet me and that she understood my fears and concerns, after asking me a million questions and saying she didn’t know Julie and only knew Nissan vaguely, and that she was just a passenger at the time when she heard me go off and then apologize, saying I didn’t take my meds, which I don’t remember at all. Then she said that she thinks Nissan’s an asshole and she wants to meet me cuz she’s also a victim of society, foster homes and assholes, then she’d swing back to the Nissan’s-gonna-get-you routine.

She sounded very butchy and I sure as hell don’t trust her and I think she’s pretty pissed about my not wanting to meet her. I wonder what Linda’s explanation about all this will be. She was definitely the first voice I heard, but I never heard that girl with the younger higher voice before in my life.

I know this was tied in with Nissan, but now I know Linda’s involved, too. I wonder if Linda knows Nissan. And how do they know about my record? Did I mention it to Linda? Maybe she is a cop now or cop-connected. I don’t know if I can trust her now. Is this for not being interested in her after she told me she thought I’d make her a good wife before I moved back here?

I taped the whole thing, but couldn’t tape the first one I got several weeks ago cuz I didn’t have this recording device before.

I am still wide awake after going to the Pub last night with Andy, then over to his place to see an old special of Charlie’s Angels. Kate Jackson was just as gorgeous as I remembered her to be except all their clothes were hideous as they were back in the 70s with those hideous bell-bottom jeans.

God and our grandparents sure were with us once again last night when a drunk driver came flying out of nowhere through a stop sign as we were cutting through side streets from Belmont Avenue to Sumner Avenue and we just missed hitting this car by only inches. We would’ve been dead for sure and Andy had kept saying he had this feeling all night that we’d have a close call with death. This is why I’m terrified to drive. If it had been me driving, and I did drive part of the way, I’d have panicked and not hit the brakes in time. There are so many crazy drivers out there, especially at 2am when the bars close. He’s an excellent driver. I’m not able to be as alert as he is and most people are and observe everything around me besides just straight ahead. He always wears his seatbelt, but that time he didn’t and after that close call we both buckled up. We just weren’t meant to die, I guess. We both know for sure why we’re alive.

I asked Andy why I’m not ugly or butchy looking since I’ve been ordered to be celibate by God and he says it’s for my career. He’s probably right. When I said God forbids me to have sex with an attractive woman and that it can only be ugly dykes or men, he said I could have sex with a good-looking woman, but that I couldn’t have a relationship cuz of my chemical imbalance and I agree for sure.

We went to the Springfield Denny’s for breakfast then did some errands, got my refill on Navane and am gonna go to go bed cuz he’s gonna be here at 6:00 to do his laundry.