Today’s Gloria’s b-day. She’s 33 years old. 10 years younger than Linda.

I looked back further in this book and I was shocked that I’d forgotten to write about my new pig Trixie unless I missed it. Brenda got her for me. She reminds me so much of Jellybean who I had the last time I lived here. She’s so lovable and gives me kisses just like Jellybean used to and Toffee does. I didn’t expect to buy a guinea pig but she looks like Toffee and that kind of coat is rare. I couldn’t resist. Toffee’s black with streaks of golden-like rusty brown and Trixie’s black with a streak of white that goes from the back of her neck down her shoulder to her paw. She’s also got a little patch of white under her neck. Brenda named her, so they’re the 3 Ts. Toffee, Tigger and Trixie.

Gremlin’s doing fine too, thank God.

Andy and Fran are on the phone now as Andy calls people to hear the Rick and Nervous tape that’s playing while I write but I’m gonna go listen to music now.

I’ve been beat all day. Why I do not know. I slept from 4am to almost 3pm today.

I saw Martha, and Bill was here from 6:30 to 9:30.

Today Brenda, Andy and I went to the beach. We enjoyed ourselves very much but I had some slightly annoying period cramps.

By the way, before I continue to write about our day at the beach, let me say Andy will be ringing the doorbell soon. He called to say he was dying to take a walk but that he’ll only ring to say, “Hi. I’m here.” Then he’ll walk back home and call me.

Well, I got some fairly decent color but we were all sort of off to a late start so we all could’ve gotten more. Some’s better than none, though, right? We saw Tammy C and also Michelle G, the daughter of Dick and Bea who owns the skating rink where I took figure skating lessons when I was around 12 or 13 years old. That is also where I had my very first cigarette too, thanks to good old Jenny C. We all went swimming, but not really swimming as the water was kind of cold which is weird. Especially for August. What is it with this beach lately? The water, however, was a little clearer but it’s still polluted and I’m sure it will always be. We went to the flat rocks during the day and at night.

It is now 3:12 AM and Andy rang my bell about 15 minutes ago and in about a half-hour he’ll call me when he gets home but I’m whipped so I’m gonna lay down. I want to sleep as many hours as I can before having to get up to see Martha at 4:00 tomorrow. The last two nights I’ve only barely slept 6 hours each night.

I’m on the phone right now with Fran who’s on the other line, and believe me, I know who he’s talking to. This girl named Liz who he recently started to date. I spoke with her for a while a few weeks ago. She seems nice, but perhaps a little young, naïve and wild. As far as Fran goes, yes he’s his usual pushy self, but it is kind of cute and sincere. He’s very lonely and I just listened to them speak to one another. They spoke for half an hour and then when they were done I called Liz and played just one line of Fran’s from the edits. The one where he tells Nervous, “You ought to do your laundry, it stinks.” I knew it was mean, but I couldn’t resist. I crossed her with some mean old hag of a lady, too.

I am now watching A Current Affair which is just about over. Later I’ll watch Cops on 61 while recording Golden Girls on 22 on the big TV in the living room.

Brenda is here. She’s pretty tired. Says some lady hit the side of her cab today.

This weekend was sort of a depressing one as reality hit home this time. It was pretty scary, too.

As usual, the contest was fixed but I felt like I pulled off my performance better than I thought I’d pull it off. I won’t really know for sure until and if I see the video of it. It was taped.

As far as reality’s concerned, well, I just don’t like the business and I finally realized it wasn’t destined like I thought it was. I feel I’d have made it by now and also I’d never have been a smoker or have been able to quit by now. Also, I don’t feel it’s a place for a gay woman to be. I mean, I can see if you’re a gay guy or some big bull butch but I’m not. I’m a tiny feminine one who’s a prime target of rape and other violence. I’d be crazy to even try to make it cuz I will get raped or possibly killed. Believe me, God will see to it cuz for every good thing I get I get something bad with it and as far as something spectacular like that happening to me, well, I’m 100% sure something terrifying will happen to me. Also, you have to have money to make money and have backers and connections and be a druggie. No way. So, after realizing all this I asked myself, “What’s left?” I can’t have any kids and I want college to be my last resort if I can help it so I thought about the police academy but who knows if I can even do that? All I know is, somehow, some way, I have to make a living and try to get a better income for myself. I’m gonna hate it with a passion but it’s either that or disability till Mom and Dad die and I don’t want that. I’m going to miss never having my dream come true, but hey, does anybody ever get what they really want when it comes to their careers or their lovers? I just can’t keep living on dreams and fantasies forever.

Well, today’s Tammy’s birthday. She’s 33 and also the only one in the family who looks her age. It’s Madonna’s birthday, too, and she’s 32.

Andy said earlier on the phone that he and a friend watched the video of the Frontier’s performance and that he was shocked when he heard me. He said, “Wow! I haven’t seen this and I was impressed. Also, you could really hear you, even in the beginning.” The night we performed he said he’d only seen a small part of my song.

For Friday night’s lip-sync contest I’m gonna do No More Words by Berlin. I wish I could sing live but this is not a talent show like at the Frontier. It’s strictly lip-synced only.

Today's therapy went quite well, as well as the lesson with Bill. He had me up to a C# above a high G for the exercises. It was very loose and relaxed and didn’t feel strained. My strength, power and even more clarity are back but sometimes I do get short of breath and have a lot of phlegm in my throat and nasally cuz I smoke. But overall it was a far cry better than a long time ago.

As for the performance at the Frontier? Well, everyone who’s seen it likes it but I feel I could be better but aren’t I always way too critical of myself? I felt it sounded too much like a kid singing. You know, like a high school girl or something like that. I felt I couldn’t be heard well and also that Gloria couldn’t be heard well and that both of us were distorted and mumbled into each other. I thought I’d overpower her, but others say I was louder and it sounded like a woman who was trained and I know they wouldn’t lie. Especially Andy.

Bill’s on vacation next week to San Francisco. Lucky bastard! He’s a great guy, though, and he does deserve it, but when the hell am I gonna get out of here for more than one day?

I didn’t get the chance to write yesterday, but I had a fantastic time at the beach and I got some awesome color. Andy hugged me and thanked me for going with him, and I told him that I had more to thank him for. He paid the way as far as gas goes and bought us a chicken dinner which we split. It cost $7.50! It was hideous, though, and tasted like cardboard.

We lay on the beach for several hours and even went swimming out on the sandbar. The sandbar was up to his waist and up to my tits, but it was fun and also so hot that it was necessary. The water was quite murky, though, and cuz of that I was paranoid about jellyfish. Several people said they hadn’t seen any this year and very few last year which to me, was unusual. Especially for August. The water was quite cool too, for August. We each took walks by ourselves to the rocks and we saw Charlotte who looked pretty good and seemed glad to see us. I played Words Get In The Way and she liked it. She also let us use her bathroom and gave me a soda. After I ate, I saw Mrs. Labriola and when it got dark we went to the flat rocks and he did his pretend interview and I was with some imaginary girlfriend.

The drive back was peaceful and enjoyable as I lay in the backseat pretty drained from the sun and after being up since 5:30. We passed someone’s tour bus, too.

I got home at almost 11:00 and quickly ran into my apartment to escape seeing Brenda cuz I was just so beat and went immediately to bed.

Today, I see Martha at 4:00, and also Bill will be here. I want to do laundry today, get some groceries and change the pig’s cages.

One of my mice died yesterday and the only reason I can think of as to why is cuz the fan was blowing on him all night and it got quite cool and he was in the wire cage, not the glass tank which is a little more enclosed. Now I fear for Toffee, Tigger and Gremlin as the disease is contagious. I sprayed the room with Lysol and I hope that cuz it’s summer, it’ll air out.

I feel so tired and lazy today. I guess I need to eat and it’s probably cuz of all the sun I had yesterday so I feel very warm.

Brenda had to go to court for the guardianship of her kids and on her way out she gave me a pack of cigarettes and said she’d call me when she gets home.

I’m supposed to be going to the beach today, but I have no money to pay Andy for gas and I have no money for food. Plus, I have a slight sunburn and I don’t want to overdo it and Andy wants to be there till night to walk on the beach. He told me to cover up if I feel I’m gonna burn but that’s still a long time on the beach and it’s just being in the heat so long I can’t stand. I’ve been up since 5:30 and I’ll be up many more hours and also going so many hours with no food. Forget about cooling off in the water cuz that beach is now so murky and dirty and you can’t even see the jellyfish and now’s the time the water’s got tons of them.

Later...

I awoke at 5:30 today and I’m still not sure if I’m going to the beach today. I can’t say that I don’t want to, but I can say that I wish I had more money and I wish we could both afford a hotel.

I’m gonna go have my second cup of coffee or as Tracy once accidentally said, my second “coffee,” then take a shower and shave just in case. Part of me would rather stay here and go grocery shopping and do some laundry. I need to wash my curtains, rugs, blankets and my shower curtain. If I did end up staying here, I’d see if Brenda could take me to Forest Park. I hope Andy, for some reason really can’t go. That’ll make the decision a hell of a lot easier. However, he hasn’t been there since March so I know he wants to go for sure.

Later...

Andy mentioned leaving by 10:00 or 10:30 so we’ll see if he calls soon, but in the meantime, guess who was here the last couple of days? Jai and Jenny! I only spoke to them briefly but we had a great talk. They were arguing a little but otherwise, they seemed to be doing pretty well and it was great to see them. Jenny still told me how beautiful she thought I was and was constantly staring me up and down and Jai and I were joking about all Andy’s and my lines. He pretty much remembers them all, too.

I called Nervous at Feinstein’s Leather and told him to call me later cuz I want to talk to him about Sasha. Mom once made a comment saying, “Your problem is all due to smoking.” There’s really no big difference since she’s been gone. I still have a hard time breathing when it’s hot or humid and when the air’s very polluted or when I smoke too much. It rained badly last night so today the air is very clean, crisp and cool cuz when it rains it pushes down and smothers all the pollution. So, if things ever were to work out with Sasha, what would she do to the animals? She never hurt the pigs, in fact, she used to sit in the big cage I used to have with them, but now I have little mice. Also, I was told that there’s a spray you can use if you do have bad allergies but mine were never as bad as Philip’s. He came over one night when I lived on Oswego St. and sneezed and sneezed non-stop and his face got all swollen till he had to finally just leave. Nothing would ever bother me if I didn’t smoke, but I can’t quit. God, if I never smoked I could probably be in a very dusty room on a very hot and humid day and not really be bothered or affected in any way.

I got up at 3pm yesterday and went to therapy at 4pm and it was a good session. I really like Martha now and I know I can trust her. It took me almost a year to really take to her and at first, she didn’t really understand me and it was frustrating but I really do like her a lot now and she does care and understand. She says she likes my philosophies and attitude and the way I express myself and understand myself and others. She also likes my sense of humor.

Let me get Gremlin out of his ball and in his cage and get another pen.

Later...

Ok, I’m back. Continuing after therapy, Bill was here from 5:00 till almost 10:00 and we’re both suspecting that this one student of his may be gay. A female. One who’s 5’ 9” and very friendly and the athletic type like most gay women, but she’s not a true butch. Her hair is somewhat long and I’d kind of describe her as plain, but not ugly. The type I’d get, but hey, better than ugly or a guy. She seems more stable than Brenda and again, Brenda’s not a wacko but this girl (I forgot her name) has an ok job and probably hasn’t gone through as much shit but people are people and no one’s perfect. She lives in Agawam too, this girl, and her singing’s pitiful.

Bill saw the video at the finals at the Frontier and so did Stephan, which is Steve’s real name, and they thought it was great. They both hated Carl and felt Sue and Rachel didn’t deserve to win. It’s weird too, cuz originally I figured Carl was gonna blow me away to smithereens. Bill says, “They can’t sing. Except for you, for some reason, my Springfield students can’t sing like my Northampton or Hartford ones. I can help them get better, but they’re never gonna really sing such as professionally.”

This guy named Noel and this girl Dina are his worst. They can’t sing 2 notes out of 10 on key to save their lives.

Later, or I should say earlier, I did some fantastic editing. I mean, it was awesome and very different. For example, I found an old tape from about a year ago when Nervous was here one night and I was singing, so I edited it and played it for Bill who thought it was great for just fooling around and he wants a copy of the edits. So later on the phone with Andy and Fran, I told Andy that Bill said it was good and after he told me the parts I edited he liked best he said, “You’re right. It’s fantastic and I hear traces of Donna in it.”

So, that made me feel good that he said that. I should record myself singing out of the amp.

My lesson went pretty well yesterday. Bill brought the amp back and also bought me a cable to hook up my keyboard to it and it makes it sound awesome. Of course, I love singing through the mike too.

I haven’t heard from Lisa, the EMT I had a one-nighter with, since the night I performed at the Frontier, and I hope she’s still enjoying being alone. She’s a really nice girl and I can truly understand her and the position she’s been in and I do appreciate her honesty. I’m glad we can talk every now and then, too. Of course, Kacey’s still total history. Brenda on the other hand, I really do care about and am attracted to but like I said, not in an overwhelming way.

I am so fucking pissed off! I just remembered that I fucking forgot to see the return of Twin Peaks last night cuz I was with Brenda who really pissed me off yesterday for smothering me. I had quite a talk with her and I know she means well and truly cares from the heart but I do need space. I guess, however, I can understand how she feels cuz although my getting someone (regardless of personality) I’m overwhelmed by sexually is forbidden by God or whatever’s out there, I know what it’s like in my fantasies, and in these fantasies, I can easily be with them 24 hours a day.

Here’s what the scale looks like when it comes to my take on sexual attraction. What I will not take: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. What I will take: 6, 7. What I can’t get: 8, 9, 10.

Brenda and I went to Tammy’s yesterday and I loved seeing Lisa and Becky. Also, I showed them the video of the Frontier and they enjoyed it.

Last Friday me and Andy competed in the semi-final contest in which they pick 5 out of 10 and both me and Andy won. Next week the $100 winners do the same thing and then the week after that the 5 semifinalists who were chosen, compete against each other. Of course, me and Andy know we’re going there to perform and not win as of course it’s gonna be fixed like it always is when it comes down to the final, final jeopardy. You fuck ‘em all, you party with ‘em all, you win.

Right now Andy’s on the line dialing strangers to hear the edits in which I’m playing them. Speaking of the edits, I just had a great idea! I’d love to see what’s said besides to hear them. The sentences, I mean, so I’m gonna write them all down and put a star right next to the best ones.

We also called Fat Sue and Carl and played them the edits too, as well as the Rick and Nervous conversation.

We think what happened with Big Sue is that she bought her way in and gave the judges coke and that’s how she won.

Today was a great day with Bill here. I sang very well. Three songs. Falling In Love Again, Skylark and What’s New. I sang them through this microphone and amp he’s letting me use and it’s totally awesome.

Brenda also bought me 4 shirts and a pair of shorts that are nice, and I polished her nails for her. She and I are going to Tammy’s Saturday, and sunning Sunday which I did yesterday and also last Sunday and got a little color.