I am far from tired, but I do want to stay on a day schedule for a while. So, I’ll allow myself to be woken up by the lawnmowers. I won’t turn on my clock radio when I crash. I hope nothing else wakes me up too early.

It sounds like Andy’s in his bathroom, but his ringer’s off again. I hope he’s not sick. He did mention that he still has diarrhea.

Believe it or not, I finally did some editing. I have lots and lots more to tackle, though.

I left 4 messages on Andy’s machine and you have up to 3 minutes on each message, but the fourth one only went halfway. So, all in all, I did about 10-11 minutes of editing. Of course, it took me about 20 minutes to do them since I have to set up everything and listen carefully to time everything. We have each other’s codes and I called his machine to play back and hear how it sounded. It’s much clearer hearing them played on my stereo, naturally.

He gave me some no-postage-necessary envelopes. Well, they were cards actually. For a magazine called Phoenix. I sent subscriptions to Mattie, Ana, Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kacey and Hank. I’ll have to look in the book to see if that liar April is in it or her parents at least, match up her “old” number and mail all kinds of shit to her. I can play games, too.

I wonder if Tammy has finally spoken to Sheila. At least I know my pictures are on their way. I’m gonna be turning around to send them right to Kim, of course, but she’ll get them back within a few weeks. The ones I’ve asked Nervous to return will go to Bob.

My nails look like shit. I wonder if the Theodur I take can cause those ridges? I know I had them somewhat as a kid and I know my parents have them somewhat and maybe it’s hereditary? The Theodur must enhance them. I’ve eaten poorly way before they got this bad which was when I began the Theodur.

I’m really pissed that I’m not tired, but I’ll go see if I can fall asleep anyway. I’ll write about my chat with Andy tomorrow or later if I can’t fall asleep.

Later...

I woke up at 5:30 AM, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, ate a cupcake and smoked half a cigarette. At 9:00 the lawnmowers did wake me up, but I fell back asleep till 11:00.

I hope UPS will be here any second, but I did get a package from Kim. I got a really pretty candle in the shape of a pyramid with 3 colors. A soft blue-green color and pink and purple. I’ve lit the candle and it’s burning now. Inside the candle, there are supposed to be some crystals and possibly other stones, too, I guess.

I also got a porcelain cover to something (I don’t know what) that I’ll just use as a knickknack. It’s got tiny little flowers on it in different colors. The candle wrapper was like a bag tie, but it was purple foil with purple foil stars on it. I taped it up on the side of the cabinet by the sliding door.

I also got a little cosmetic bag with a Chinese design on it. I already have tons of cosmetic bags, so if Andy wants them he can have them.
Current Location: Arizona

Andy came crashing in a couple of hours ago. He left me a message, but every time I call him I get his machine. Every time I don’t answer, he runs and shuts his ringer off. Well, I was in the Jacuzzi when he called. I was also in it earlier with Jeff, and the pool too. It’s still a little too cool for the pool and while it is heated, it’s not heated enough.

Now for some bad news. Jeff’s moving out next weekend. What a bummer. You never know who they’re gonna put in there next. I asked Paula who said she didn’t know, but of course, she knows. I’ll die if it’s a mom and a baby. I’m sick of having to listen to and deal with the kids around me. Andy’s lucky he doesn’t have weekends off. All he’d do is hear them scream all weekend long. I’d rather a pervert male move down there if I had to choose between the two cuz that’s a problem I could take care of. I also hope this person isn’t noise-intolerant themselves and that they don’t complain about me. Hopefully, they’re never home either. The perfect person to put down there would be a deaf woman, but that’s a dream for sure.

Jeff gave me tons of hangers which is a tremendous help with no dressers. I even hung my bathing suits to empty yet another duffel bag. Jeff also popped my popcorn in his microwave and is going to give me a plant.

One last hysterical funny thing Jeff gave me was an envelope saying: Herpes Test Results - personal and confidential. Guess who it’s going to? Not Nervous, nor Fran or Bob. It’s going to my parents. This oughta be hilarious. I took a piece of plain white typing paper and typed:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. O: We are sorry to have to tell you that both of your test results are +. Please take the time to follow these interactions to alleviate the problem.

1. 3 X’s daily take an 8 oz. glass of water, mix in 4 teaspoons of salt and gargle.
2. Refrain from kissing and all sexual activity.
3. Instead of doing the above, send lots of money to family members.
4. Receive psychological counseling once a week.
5. Pay our bill in full of $3,820.57 by 1/1/65.
6. Call us for a follow-up visit by 9/3/1998.

*Helpful hints: If you reside by the ocean, chewing on seaweed may help.

I have mailed this and several other letters today.

Later...

Tomorrow I’m sure I’ll get my package. I’m psyched. Will my pictures be in it? I doubt it.

Dennis, Bea and I went to the store. I bought my 5-gallon container of water, TV dinners and a few munchies. I also got a book of stamps. I put 10 on the package to my parents which have those geeky, baggy grandma clothes she sent last summer to the other apartment I put 2 on the envelope to Tammy which I’ll mail my photo and drawing in. I also must mail my $31.41 phone bill soon. I dropped Ma’s package off at the office. Isn’t it nice that they give things that don’t fit into the little mailbox slot to Pete? In all the other places I lived, you’d have to take stuff like that to the post office.

Well, now I’m gonna go check out what’s on TV.

Later...

I'm watching I Witness Video now.

Andy called saying he was going to Fry’s and asked me if I wanted to go along. I told him I went earlier. He’s getting the paper, so I can have the TV-Time section and look at the cat ads.

Later...

Now I’m watching a movie. Andy gave me the TV-Time section a little while ago.

I’m gonna make a TV dinner now cuz I must take my meds on an empty stomach. I want to take my meds in an hour and a half, so by then, my stomach will be emptier.

Later...

Well, I’m still watching the movie. There’s a half-hour to go. After, I’ll clean up and finish Fran’s letter.

Today was a nice day and they say it’s going to warm up for the next few days.

During the next commercial, I’ll write about something I talked to Andi about (the girl next door).

Well, I did end up listening to music and I also did write tons of letters. I also finished coloring for Andy. I taped it up on his kitchen wall.

Now this fucking TV guide has bullshitted me twice. First, it said Hunter was going on now, but I’m not so sure. Charlie Brown was also said to be on earlier and it wasn’t. It was even advertised on the cover of the TV time section of Sunday’s paper.

Around 6 PM Andy got back from his trip. The poor guy was sick all the time and couldn’t even enjoy pigging out like he wanted to. He did tell me he saw tons of ugly butches while he got my b-day present.

Kara called from Brian’s trailer.

Rachel also came over last night around midnight with my pool key and a thank you card that said, “Thank you so much for letting me use your key. Have a great weekend.” Now ain’t that sweet? She also had a little present for me wrapped in tin foil. A picture that’s hard to describe of a girl standing on a cliff with a long flowing dress. I sent her card off to Nervous.

Speaking of Nervous, well, I’m not too sure, but it looks like I forgot to mention that I spoke to him. He was friendly as you know it’s back and forth, up and down, left and right with him. You never know what mood he’ll be in from one day to the next.

I’ve got two letters done for him. Almost two for Bob and Fran and I finished letters to Kim, my nieces, Tammy and Mom and Dad. All those weirdoes and wackos - Grace, Nancy, Rita, Bobbie, Jim, Nellie, Hank, Brenda and Ana and Julia should be getting their letters soon if they haven’t already. Of course, I don’t hate all of these people named above. For the most part, the purpose of their letters is just to freak them out and make them wonder who the hell in Phoenix could possibly be writing to them and what all the mumbo-jumbo could possibly mean.

I hope UPS comes with my package today, but I doubt it. I’ll probably get it Mon.

Kara hasn’t called yet, but I guess she will any time now.

This building has been so quiet. Andy’s gone and it looks like the Andi next to me is gone, too. That noisy family of 4 next to Andy moved out two weeks ago.

I finished that drawing finally. I’m not too impressed with the way it turned out either. Some things were well-proportioned and realistic and others weren’t. Tammy, Bill and Becky didn’t look too cool. Especially their faces. I’d say Lisa came out the best. Next, I’ll finish coloring in those unicorns for Andy. That certainly is much easier. At the present moment, I have letters to do for Bob, Fran and Nervous. This weekend I’ll write to my parents, Tammy, Lisa and Becky. Then, the only other two things are editing and the story. There’s no hurry on the coloring so now I guess I’ll do some letters.

Judy in the office gave me an envelope large enough for the drawing and the 8 x 10 photo.

Later...

I got back from Kara’s almost an hour ago. Stacey and Justin and Alana were there. Then, Kara and I walked down El Camino and some other street where we met a friend of hers named Tammy she’d known for 17 years. Tammy also had her boyfriend and her baby Mystery. That is an awesome name.

Anyway, we had chocolate cake and ice cream and Kara walked me home.

Earlier I did some coloring and a little bit of typing.

No package today and I’m not sure if UPS delivers on Saturdays. My dad had said I’d probably get it Mon. anyway. Oh well, I’ll just have to be patient.

I’m really bummed out that that kitten turned out to be so obnoxious. I have to find a tamer, calmer, loving neutered cat somehow. I still want a cat and I spent $17 on supplies and that’s a lot of money to be spending and throwing away on nothing. It is for me, at least.

TV’s boring now, so, I think I’ll listen to music, finish my letters and possibly start all that editing.

Today was a very nice day. I fell asleep around 2 AM last night. At 7:30 I woke up needing to take my meds. At 8:30 I woke up for good after having a series of really weird dreams. Then, Jeff put his music on. He was only there a while and he sure meant it when he said he was never home. He’s only been there 3 days in all the time I’ve lived here.

Later...

Now, I’ll finish with all I did today. First of all, I had a great time with Kara at her place. Her mom Alana, and Alana’s ex (Kara’s stepdad), Rick, were there. We all had good conversations with each other and some laughs, but Ashley was an obnoxious little twerp. The turkey, stuffing and fruit salad were great. Alana also made yams with marshmallows. I’ve never heard of that any more than I’ve heard of a fish sandwich with peanut butter. It was good, though. Stacey and her husband and her son Justin came over as I was on my way out. Justin’s sure grown quickly.

Kara came and walked me over there so I would learn the way. I walked back myself and it is very easy to find as Kara said it was.

Their apartment is beautiful. The 1 and 2-bedrooms there and the landscaping aren’t as nice as here, but it still blows what’s available back east away.

I spoke to both my parents. Mom sent a box out and said they were combining my b-day and Chanukah presents. I hate that and said, “Why couldn’t you have been busy around this time of year so I could’ve been born in the summer?”

Dad said, “We were busy, you just didn’t hatch.”

Ma said, “Very funny, Art.”

Ma said I could call her Tuesday. Then she said “No, not Tuesday. When’s your b-day?”

I asked, “You don’t even remember the day you made the biggest mistake of your life?”

So anyway, she told me to call them Friday between 8:00-9:00 my time. Dad jokingly said, “We’ll pay for the call and that will be your b-day present.”

I told them I got 3 offers for Turkey Day. I told them about Dennis, Kara and Rachel who offered to let me spend Turkey Day with her and Peter. Dad said something about eating 3 times, but I don’t think so.

So, tomorrow or Mon. I’ll get a box and in between my b-day and Chanukah.

I can’t wait to get that Bedazzeler thing I sent away for. It’s this thing that lets you put studs and jewels on clothes.

Later...

As I mentioned earlier, I spoke to Tammy. She can’t get around too well with her leg in a cast and they didn’t do much for Turkey Day. She said she was gonna send a card and some money to me and that I’d definitely get more letters since she’s held up in the cast.

I told her I sent two to each girl and mentioned the drawing. I also asked if she’d like the picture taken here. She said, “Yeah, that’s what I want.” That’s good as I wouldn’t know who else to send it to. She also copied some of those pictures and they’re on their way back to me and so are the negatives. Next, I’ll send the pictures to Kim and the negatives to Nervous. Meanwhile, I’ve sent Nervous about 7 he must send back and 3 for Fran to keep. When Nervous returns his, they’ll go to Bob.

Lastly, I spoke with Lisa for a few minutes. She sounds OK, I guess, then said she was in her room finishing up a letter to me.

I love getting letters for 3 reasons. One is to read them, naturally. Two is to copy them into my journals. Three is to send them off to Nervous, Fran, or whoever.

Guess I’ll go to bed now.

The phone company called to let me know my stutter dial tone was fixed. When someone’s left you a message, you get a stutter dial tone. This way you don’t have to bother calling the voice message number and your code to hear it say you have no messages.

Dennis, Bea and I went to the grocery store. I only bought a few things. Mainly junk food, as usual.

I am making a tape for Kara who’s been over twice since I last wrote. I am taping songs she wants by the Judds, Gloria, and a few others. I will be at her place tomorrow and Fri. She’s gonna give me tons of hangers for doing the tape and giving her a pack of ciggies.

Dennis had told me I might be able to have Thanksgiving with him and Bea, but he wasn’t absolutely sure it was to be at his place. He found out a few days later that they were going someplace else.

Then Kara was over the next day and she invited me over to her place. That’s nice of her. If I’d had to spend Thanksgiving alone, then fine, but this is nice of her.

Her daughter Ashley will be 1 on Friday. I got her a cute card today and I’m gonna give her a stuffed animal of mine she always liked playing with.

When I was in line at the check-out I said something to the effect of hoping I had enough money. A lady in her 50s or so gave me $3. That was very nice of her.

Yesterday Kara heard the tape of Andy trying to sing in Spanish. She sure got a kick out of it. She also heard the tape of Andy and me with Laurie at the crisis center. I also put Andy singing in Spanish and some edits on her tape.

When I last spoke to Bob, he told me he sort of took in a 16-year-old girl named Christina who comes from a set of strict bitchy parents. Yes, I can see Bob taking in someone like this. He says he and she are taking a van of their stuff and they’re gonna leave. He swears he’ll be out here knocking on my door sometime in Feb. We’ll see.

I just mailed out tons of letters. I mailed each of my nieces two.

For Chanukah, I’m gonna send my parents just a card which they insist is all they want. For Tammy and all of them, I’m gonna send the drawing as well as the free 8x10 color picture that’s a gift to the Vista Ventana residents. This is what I began writing about when the phone rang. She took about 6-7 shots of me, but I can only pick out one cuz I can’t pay for any additional copies. On Dec. 5th we’re supposed to go pick them up.

I got my address labels in the mail last week. The same kind I had on Woodside Terr. They’re blue, green, pink and yellow.

Just for the hell of it, I’m curious to see if I’d get a response if I wrote a letter to A Current Affair. I told them I’ve always wanted to be a singer but have no money, transportation and don’t do drugs and refuse to sleep my way there. How do I get a clean, honest connection with no false promises who believes in my talent only? It was a short letter that cut right to the point.

Later...

I just finished doing Andy’s laundry.

Earlier I made myself a delicious steak on the grill. So nice not to have to worry about greasy, messy ovens. As I sat there by the grill I admired the beauty around me. Everything is so clean, classy and modern, the landscaping gorgeous. I felt 100% safe. No graffiti, ugly old rundown buildings, glass and dope dealers everywhere, trash, fires, and foul smells.

Well, Shadow is gone and I was never happier to toss him out. This thing never shut up. It was doing these ear-piercing screams nonstop. I couldn’t sleep and my clock radio wouldn’t drown him out. I think Mary has him and I left a message on her machine to call me. I hope she’ll want him and I feel so bad it didn’t work out. This cat was horribly shy and nervous. I’ve always had a way with animals, but this one was so scared. For a few minutes here and there I was able to play with him, then he’d go right back to screaming.

I want Moon Shadow! So calm, so loving, well behaved and neutered.

I’m pissed that I spent $17 for no reason. I should’ve searched harder for an adult, tame, neutered cat. There were several ads in last Saturday’s paper, but they were all gone. I’m sure I can get lucky with that sooner or later. This cat also clawed shit really badly.

I don’t know if I should try selling the litter box and liners I bought, or hang onto it for a cat like the original Shadow or Moon Shadow. I’ll wait till I speak to Mary.

I called Jane through the relay. We’re gonna get together after Saturday. Or Friday, I should say.

The night Randy and I walked to the grocery store I met two guys in a rock band. He (Bill) gave me a number to call a girl Kathy about country singers needed. He also may have other connections if I have no luck with Kathy. He’ll call me Mon., but I’m a total disbeliever until something proves otherwise. Meaning, it’s gonna take a lot to convince me with all the letdowns I’ve had. I’d have to be in a band for quite a while and see it stick before I believe and have confidence.

Sometime soon, Dennis is gonna fix my speakers and I’m gonna fix 3 of their kitchen chairs. They’re ripped and he’s gonna buy some material for me to sew it up with.

All I have left to write is about this girl Sandy I met at the pool almost two weeks ago.

Also, the conclusion of the radio story. About what happened after I called about a date with Kathy. After I called the radio station, I highly doubted I’d get a call. But every now and then you do something as a joke and someone else takes it seriously. Kathy called and basically, all she said was that she was straight but would keep my number. She says in the business she’s in she meets all kinds of people. She asked me to write down a little about myself and what I look for. I just laughed to myself and went along with it. She asked if I had any suggestions or comments. All I could think of was a radio dating service for both gays and straights. She liked the idea and was gonna take it to her boss.

Last subject now. I was headed to the pool when I met Sandy who was already there. Instantly I thought - butch. Well, she’s married but says she’s always fantasized about women even though she has yet to be with one. Her husband’s like most guys who encourage that, but would flip if she went with another guy. She’s on SS, so we hit it off. I could sense she liked me cuz I wasn’t one bit attracted to her and she’s masculine. Not the ugliest girl, but close enough. I’d give her a 3. Maybe a 4 as I never saw her dressed nicely with makeup and her hair dry.

I gave her my number as I was leaving the pool and I said to myself, “Due to the fact that I’m not attracted to her and she’s low income with medical problems and God knows what mentally, God will have her calling me.” Now don’t get me wrong. She’s not an Ellie or Fran at all and does seem honest and sincere. Sure enough, though, she did call.

She told me she’d had a one-nighter with a guy and got a bruise. He wasn’t violent, she said, but I guess they had wild sex. She wanted to know if it was OK to tell her husband she got the bruise with me. I said yes. Then she shyly said her husband encouraged us while she was as if to imply she agrees. I thought to myself, “Do you want to be celibate forever and wait for the impossible to happen or shouldn’t you try to settle?”

Well, she was due back in Minnesota the next day. That’s where she’s from. She was gonna call later in the evening as her sister and brother-in-law were gonna go out bowling. She never called and I’m really glad she didn’t. Again, I’ll stay celibate throughout my life. Thanks to these 200-pound butches. Or the skinny ones, for that matter. I just can’t bring myself to settle.

Her sister lives here and she also knows lots of butches. Her mom, who she describes as cool and open-minded lives in Minnesota. She’s not sure if she’ll ever move to Phoenix.

There’s only one thing she said that doesn’t jive. She says her husband works for Northwest Airlines and so she can hop a plane here for $10. OK, fine, but no one with that job is gonna marry someone on SS. Maybe he’s one of those men who likes his wife at home as a slave. Who knows, but I’m gonna go watch TV now.

Later...

I am watching Law & Order now.

Kara called twice. The first time she told me she’d call me tomorrow at noon. They’re eating between 1:00-2:00. That’s pretty early in the afternoon, but why not? The second time she wanted to know if I can bring two big bowls.

I crimped my hair which looks great now. It’s tomorrow when I wake up that I wonder how it’ll look. I also have a big fat zit on my cheek.

Mary hasn’t called. Maybe she’s gone somewhere for the holiday.

When the hell is my sister gonna close out my account? She goes to this bank all the time.

When will I ever receive the rest of my pictures? I wish my mother would just send me my pictures or admit that she dumped them knowing how much they mean to me. Also, cuz it’s something she’s not into and makes her think of something she can’t bear - me being a singer. And hey, what resembles my dream the most of all the stuff of mine that went to Florida? Gloria’s pictures. I wish dad sent all my pictures. He and Tammy can be trusted, but Ma’s a different story. I truly believe she dumped them, but won’t say so. Instead, she’ll say what she said before. There were no pictures. Bull.

She can be a real controlling, angry, jealous, negative little bitch. When will the little fuck ever grow up? At 61 I guess it’s too late.

Well, as usual, I still have a lot to do. Still have massive editing, a drawing to do and the unicorn I’m coloring for Andy. Also, letters to write and a story to begin typing.

Later...

Rachel just called. She wanted to borrow the pool key which also opens the laundry room door. She said she felt bad calling only when she wants something. I told her not to worry since I trust her. She said I could spend the holiday with her and Peter, but I told her I had plans. She looked beautiful and she really is sweet. I wish God would let me have a one-nighter with a girl like her, but I know he never will. Only straight girls are this beautiful and feminine, anyway.

Well, I sure do have lots to write about. First of all, I got a new gray and white kitten today! One time I was over at Dennis’s talking with him and his mom when Brian came over. I asked if he knew anyone wanting to get rid of a cat or kittens. Sure enough, he knew these two guys who had several. At 8:45 we picked up the new Shadow who’s a male and also very nervous, meowing a lot. He’s sleeping now. He’s smaller than the first Shadow was when I first got him. He was 6 weeks and this Shadow must be 4 weeks making his b-day around the last week of October. This kitty’s very long and strong for a tiny kitten. Judging by that and his paws, I’d say he’s gonna be huge. He’s the same type of cat that Shadow was, only gray and white, rather than orange and white.

I’m gonna call Mary downstairs and see if she wants any kittens. The guy asked me to ask people. These guys had a horrible run-down, trashy, messy, smelly place and I think they may have abused Shadow. Brian’s gonna give Dennis these guys’ numbers and I’ll give it to Mary.

Let me take a cigarette break before I begin with the many more things I have to write about.

Later...

Andy flew out this morning and he was sick, so I hope he’s better.

He gave me a pitiful picture of me he took a few months ago. I’m sending it off to Bob.

We never sold my records cuz I was feeling totally shitty that day. My asthma was a nightmare and 3 nights ago I thought I was gonna end up in the ER. The records are in his trunk, so we’ll sell them when he gets back.

I was pissed at him this morning cuz last night I told him not to call me in the morning cuz I was gonna leave my ringer on for Dennis to call me when it was time to go get Shadow. Naturally, he forgot and now I wonder if he’ll remember to mail the letter I typed to Barb and Dave from San Francisco. If he’d stop smoking pot, he’d remember more things.

The other day I was over at Andy’s using his phone to call Jessie collect. She was glad to hear from me and I gave her my address and phone number. We couldn’t talk long cuz she can’t afford it, but she’ll call when she can and give me her address so I can write to her. I’ll only write if she writes. It’s sad she never got to see me in S. Deerfield or in CT. I’ll never see her again, but that’s just life. She’s got a kid which means she’s got no life.

As I was over there, I glanced down and saw my name written on some application form. I laughed, figuring he was sending me something free in a no-postage-necessary envelope. Then I noticed he wrote “27-year-old gay female seeks feminine woman. No commitments. Call anytime or middle of night.”

I’m just not sure about this. Bob called and he said not to worry as it’s free. I told him that’s like my saying, “Bob, I’m gonna play with your head, lie to you and lead you on. It should be OK with you, Bob, cuz it’s free. You don’t have to pay for me to do this.”

I told Andy when he got home from work that friends don’t let their friends get burned, and that, or nothing, is exactly what would happen. Gay women aren’t what I want and I’m not what they want. I’m too old to keep playing this game. Plus, I’ll mainly get calls from men or people looking for threesomes. He said if I get a call for a threesome, send them to a bogus address. That won’t work, as they no doubt never intended to see me anyway.

I’ve got to go check my mail, even though I’m sure I didn’t get anything.

Later...

I am watching a movie now and commercials are on now.

I spoke to Nervous earlier and he was nice. It’s back and forth with him. I told him I may send pictures he can have as well as pictures I want him to send back.

When Tammy sends back my pictures in 10 years, Kim said she’d like me to send them to her to copy, then she’ll send them back.

Early in the morning, Tammy called. Everything’s fine with Dad, but she’s got some hip trouble. A ligament is damaged and so she’s going through treatment.

That time Rachel had the ambulance here was cuz she had a panic attack.

I had a close call myself with my asthma. I thought I was gonna end up in the ER, but Judy from the office came up and calmed me down.

I do believe I did scare Stacey off when I threatened her with court. She hasn’t fucked with me and she’s been friendlier.

Tammy didn’t call Stacey and she hasn’t heard from Sheila yet who’s supposed to return her call. Tammy reminded me not to worry as I have written permission to be here. I will never go back east.

Still no sign of Moon Shadow which is so depressing.

I recorded all my albums and 45s onto cassettes. It took me 12 hours to do it, but I believe it’s well worth it. Now I have more room and in 2-3 years when my stereo keels over and dies, it’ll be very hard to find a turntable.

I may get a letter from Tammy today or tomorrow.

I spoke to mom today who says in a week to 10 days she’ll send a package out. I guess this will be my other guitar, and perhaps I can take that and my little keyboard to the pawnshop to trade them in for a bigger keyboard. I’m gonna try selling my records to a used record store.

Next Tuesday, Andy will be gone to his sister’s in San Francisco till the following Saturday. So, I guess he’ll be gone for 5 days.

Later...

I just wrote letters to my nieces and Tammy. Tammy said she’d send journals, but it may be inconvenient. If it is, she’ll send me money. I’m gonna send her the portrait of me that the apartment complex is taking as a free Christmas gift to the residents.

Andy and I went out to the mall yesterday where I bought two journals. I now have 35 journals altogether.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard Andy get up for work. Did he oversleep? Who knows.

I am definitely going to lie out at the pool today. I want to have some color for the photoshoot this Sat.

I met this girl named Sandy there two days ago. She looks butchy. She’s married but tells me she always fantasizes about women. She’s on SS, so naturally, we hit it off really well. She’s got medical problems, too.

Maybe I can call Dennis and see if he wants to fix my speakers today. I haven’t seen too much of Randy and I hardly ever see Tara and Tonya. I hope Kara calls soon.

Yesterday Andy did what they call pulmonary cupping for 20 minutes. The last few weeks my asthma’s been worse. After Andy finished I felt better but only for a short while. It’s a little better today as I only smoked half of what I smoked yesterday.

Andy gave me a few pictures of him which were shot while he was at home. There were two of the same shots of him picking his nose. He wrote notes on the back of each one. One’s for Fran and the other will go to Nervous as well as other stuff like the letters from Kim and Bob.

I also got another poster to color with a black velvet background. This one is for Andy. I’m also gonna sew a button on a pair of shorts for him, too. Today I’ll do my laundry. I did his yesterday.

I’m also gonna steal a great idea from him. He hung one of his fancy shawls up over the vertical blinds that go across the sliding door. He hung up a silver/gray one. I’m gonna hang up my black one with fringes that he gave me before he came out here to Phoenix.

Very very soon I must tackle all the editing I have to do. I’ll also get on with that drawing. I want to send it off to Tammy. Of course, I have more letter-writing to do as always. That never ends any more than the journal writing does. I’m also gonna start typing up that story. I wrote letters to a few others to who I normally don’t write. I sent a letter off to Nancy H. She lived in Jai’s place the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. These are all funny letters I sent. Some have moved, but I wrote to the addresses I last knew of knowing they’ll be forwarded. I sent letters to Brenda, Jimmy and Bobbie. They’ve gotten letters from me before. I also sent one to Grace D, the wacko who lived in Jimmy’s apartment the first time I was on Woodside. Also, Rita G. That wacko moved into my first-floor apartment on Locust St. after I moved out of it. Then she moved to Woodside on the first floor. I also wrote to Nelyda R the druggie thief on Oswego St. who ripped me off and several other people. Also Hank who lived below me on Oswego St. Lastly, I wrote to the two sisters, Ana and Julia who lived on the 2nd floor between Nellie and I on Oswego St.

I finished off the hair dad sent between all these people.

Later...

I may or may not have mentioned what I recently did to a local radio station here. I think I did mention calling Kathy and asking her out. She’s one of the DJs. Well, I heard this girl call in a little while ago and ask Ed, another DJ for a date. She got it. It kills me to see countless people (gay or straight) so easily go up and get what they want. Why can’t I do that? This girl doesn’t know what Ed looks like, but she sounds like she doesn’t care. If she were to meet him and see that he’s ugly, I bet she still wouldn’t care. I envy people like this. I give anything to go to bed with people I’m not attracted to and not give a shit. I have no choice.

So, anyway, I called the station and told the guy who answered that now that Ed got a date, I want a date with Kathy. He said something about her still dating all kinds of people and he took my number. I gave the name Lisa, though, and it’s not like she’s really gonna call so it doesn’t matter. It was nice just to call and say that anyway.

Later...

I am watching a talk show now.

Earlier I was out at the pool. I didn’t get all that much color, though. I was at the pool for almost an hour and Dennis and his mom were there.

I sewed the button on Andy’s shorts. He came in about an hour ago slamming the hell out of his door and stomping madly. Now I’m sure he’s watching the soaps he always tapes.

I forgot to mention what Bob included in his letter. His hair, after he said he got two “hairy” letters from me.

I got a message from Tammy who says she’ll let me know about Dad. She also mentioned something about surgery on her hip and having a cast put on. She says she’ll get ahold of me in a few days.

Early yesterday morning, I finally contacted Kim. I guess I have a letter coming from her. She likes the tapes but hasn’t had time to hear them all yet. I believe that.

She likes her new apartment and has a crush on a doctor, but hasn’t dated him yet. She said Carol’s (the cop) son died of some tumor.

I’m gonna copy the letter Bob sent for her and send the original written by Bob himself to Nervous.

Randy and I walked to the grocery store and back two nights ago.

Still haven’t seen Moon Shadow. What a bummer. I really think someone stole him.

Still have more to write another time about Rachel, Judy, my records and other things.

Friday the 13th always reminds me of my mom visiting in S. Deerfield. The last time I saw her was in Sept. of 1991, I think, but it seems like longer. It seems like it was two years ago.

Well, the 13th was bad luck for Rachel downstairs. The EMTs were here. Nancy was out walking her dog. I guess she’s got to go to work and she said her son met her and something about her being an epileptic. I don’t know, but I called down there. An EMT answered saying she was feeling a little lousy but would be OK.

My chest is tight and I’m wheezing. Gotta take my breathalyzer.

I met that deaf girl Jane earlier tonight. She’s very nice. She walked over cuz she only lives across the street in another complex. She’s 41 and is a teacher at the Phoenix Day School for the Deaf. She said I was very good and I didn’t ask her. She just told me that and says she’s met her fair share of shitty signers too, who only know a few signs and phrases. I wanted someone deaf who knew sign well. Her speech is not as good as Marlee Matlin’s, but you can understand some words. Basically, you must read her signs to understand all she says.

Speaking of Marlee, she says she met her at some meeting with deaf people. She was the speaker, I guess, and that was here in Phoenix.

I will call her and we’ll meet again soon.

Now for some disturbing news. Moon Shadow hasn’t been around all day and night. Where in the world could he be? I only have two theories, but first of all, I can surely say he’d never wander off on his own. This is where his love, attention and food are, so he’s held against his will somewhere. Who’d detain him, though? After I took him in, he’d go nowhere near anyone but Andy. He fought like hell to get out of Mary’s place, so if someone has him I’m sure he’d be trying desperately to get out. I would think they’d let him go like Mary did if he were putting up a stink and trying to get out. I doubt he wandered off and got lost or hit by a car. The most probable theory is that someone took him and they won’t let him go.

There’s another theory I doubt and I sure hope to hell isn’t true. That’s that the office and maintenance people took him. However, I’ve been told by people that maintenance won’t nark on those who aren’t supposed to have pets. They refuse to get involved or stick their noses in where it doesn’t belong. But after my beef with Stacey, who knows? They’ve always been nice to me and they’ve never given me any shit. Well, I never figured Stacey would either, but I think it’s more likely that some idiot somewhere has him.

I mean, what luck to have a cat who’s a carbon copy of Shadow and that’s neutered. I need this cat. God, please don’t take him now. Send him home to me, please.

It took me forever to do two small loads of laundry for Andy. One load in the washer kept stopping cuz it was off balance due to his heavy bath rug. One load in the dryer had to go through a second time cuz his clothes were still wet. But after quite a while I got it done.

I also went and got some groceries with Dennis and his mother, to hold me over till I get my food stamps.

Tonya returned my clothes when I asked for them.

Last Sunday afternoon I gave Tara a birthday card with some of our funny lines. She laughed and really liked it, but today is her b-day. Later on this evening, I’ll call her. If I don’t get her I’ll leave her a message.

I also wrote letters to Steve and Cassandra. I have no idea where Steve is or even if he’s in MA. Still, I wrote to him at Woodside Terrace knowing that his letter will be forwarded to wherever he is. Cassandra will no doubt be happy to hear from me. She’s been curious, no doubt, as to where the hell I’ve been. We were supposed to get together over the summer. I explained in the letter to both of them what’s happened since I got to Norwich. I gave them my address and phone number.

I still haven’t heard from Tammy or my parents, but I’ve sent them letters. Still can’t reach Kim either, but Bob says he can’t either. That’s Kim for you, but I’ve sent her letters as well as Bob, Fran and Nervous. I can’t find Jessie’s address and I still must call her.

Dennis picked up some very strong glue and he’s gonna fix my speakers soon. He took my box spring and mattress off its frame. The clamps for the frame’s too big, so it’s out on the patio. It was nice to have the extra space to store shit under my bed, but I made room in my closet.

Moon Shadow’s asleep on the bed now. I kind of like it better this way so he can’t mess with stuff under the bed. He’s an angel and if there are a few things he doesn’t have in common with Shadow, that’s one of them. He’s very well-behaved, but if I were to leave him here alone or have him indoors all the time, who knows what he’d do? Not only is it nice not to deal with litter boxes, but he’d wake me up for sure. Another thing that’s the opposite of Shadow is that Moon Shadow likes Andy.

Later...

I just pulled the funniest prank, but it turned out to be a little weird. I called a radio station and asked for one of the DJs named Kathy. I asked if she was single. She said yes and that she’s given up, but her sister’s coming from Wisconsin and they plan to go out and have a blast. She said that either they meet someone, or they won’t.

I told her I only want to get together twice a month or so with no strings attached. She asked me if I could call back at 10:00 when she’s ready to leave the station. I don’t know how long I can keep awake as I’ve been up all night, but I gave her my number.

This girl’s either just going along with the game like April did, or she’s too stupid to realize I was hitting on her. Or, perhaps she thought I was speaking on behalf of some guy.

I forgot to write about Mother Tucker’s restaurant. Of course, we call it Mother Fucker’s. Andy had a coupon for a prime rib and crab leg dinner which we were gonna split. While we were waiting for an obnoxiously long time, we were noticing several people complain about the food being cold and uncooked. I wrote a crazy note to our definite fem waiter, then told him I was walking out. We waited forever just to have cold raw food. So many people walked out. As we were walking out the fem goes, “OK, let me gain my composure and I’ll talk to you.”

Andy said, “There’s nothing to say. It won’t be necessary. She just wants to go home.”

We were cracking up on our way home. Then we pranked them about 5 times and I hit on a gorgeous, and I mean gorgeous, hostess.

Bob called today. I spoke to him and Andy and taped it. I’m listening to that tape now. Bob sent a letter to me in the mail yesterday. I hope I get it Wed. Bob was the usual as far as Kim’s concerned, going on and on about her. She abandons him more and more. I did manage to cheer him up, though. We laughed and told jokes and said our funny lines to each other.

Fran also called saying that someone kicked his door in and made mincemeat out of him, landing him in the hospital. First he told me the person who did it had a beef against someone he knew. Then, he said the person was looking to go after the person who previously lived in Fran’s apartment. Either way, I believe it did happen. Andy asked me, “Do you believe that?” Yes, very much so. Knowing how Fran can piss people off and easily make enemies, I definitely believe it.

Andy said that Moon Shadow’s not a girl. It’s a boy and he’s neutered. I got to thinking about that last night. I figured the odds of my finding a fixed cat were so slim. I never saw any balls so I figured it was a she. Then, I remembered all those saying she’s too big for a girl cat. I realized he looked like Shadow did after he was fixed last night when he was laying on his back. I also realized that if it was pregnant, it’d show for sure by now. If it was a non-fixed male, the place would stink like it did with Shadow before he was fixed. Andy said it does have balls, but they’re small. Is this another ironic coincidence, or what? Andy did say he’s a reincarnation of Shadow. A total carbon copy. God answered my prayers and had him be fixed as he knew I could never afford it. Kim paid to fix Shadow. This cat is Shadow in black and white rather than orange and white.

Now why won’t He answer my prayers to be a singer and have some lusty fun?

Well, as you can see my schedule’s screwed up again, but oh well. I can’t force myself to go to sleep whenever I want to.

I haven’t heard from that deaf girl, but since she did call me, I’ll call her. She gave me her number and I’ve got the relay number.

Tara called to say that she spoke to Tonya who is washing my clothes and will give them to me tomorrow. Tara’s not as undependable as Tonya, but she is a little. She told me she’d call me when she got in from a party. As I figured, she never called and I wanted to give her her b-day card.

Randy went to the store and dropped off some lotion for me which I needed very badly. I ran out and you know how the Theodur really dries out my skin. And my hair. That was nice of him to pick it up for me while he was shopping.

Tomorrow Andy’s taking me out to a nice restaurant. His treat. I’m looking forward to that. Prime rib and seafood. We’re also gonna stop at Fry’s, one of the grocery stores here.

I began a letter to Tammy, but I’ll finish it tomorrow. I finished reading back in journal 2 and now I’m on 3. What a horrible writer I was then. I was so vague and confused, naïve, vulnerable and so damn dumb! It is kind of funny to look back at it now and laugh. It’s pretty amusing. I think - how could I think, do or say certain things? I really would be embarrassed if anyone read my journals. Especially the first half of them. But then again, who cares? I’m sure people have written more stupid, shocking and amazing things than I have. Right? I’m sure, though, that Tammy read much more than I think or have any idea of. Especially while I was in Natchaug. She’s got to have. She’s my sister. There are some things about people you’re close to that you just never quite know. Other things, you do know.

If I live a full life and die after my parents, sister and Andy, I wonder what would become of these journals. Of all my stuff? If I dropped dead right now, I suppose Andy and Tammy may read them, but would my parents or anyone else? My parents especially would die at 95% of the shit in these journals.

I’m still not sure whether or not to do a story. I lost patience before and told myself to wait a while, then take another shot at it. Should I write it in a journal? A notebook? Type it? I think I should type it, then copy it into a journal. This is good for a few reasons. It’ll be like a rough draft and I can make any changes I want to make when I copy it in. I have tons of typing paper. This way I can see how long it goes. It’ll go faster if I type it with no paragraphs, and any mistakes in my typing won’t matter, and I won’t get a crampy hand. At least not as much as I write so much other stuff. Writing in journals and writing letters. Yes, this is exactly what I definitely will do. I will type it. I wonder how long the story will go. Naturally, it can go as long as I keep it going, so I guess what I mean is, how long it’s necessary to continue. There’ll be only so many parts and events to each story, so it depends on how far I expand on each part of the story. Or stories. I have stories in mind. There’s no real purpose in this. Just something to do. No one will read them, except maybe Andy. I can send the typed rough draft to Fran and Nervous.

I can’t sleep and that pisses me off.

I fixed my bed frame a few nights ago. It was a simple adjustment.

I had to go to the office to put in a work order to fix the lock on my door which was getting harder to open. As I walked into the office I was bummed to see only Stacey there. She just said, “Jodi,” with a nod of her head as I walked in. I simply told her the problem and left.

I still haven’t heard from my sister, so I don’t know if she spoke to Stacey or Sheila yet. I really wish she’d hurry up and close my checking account in Norwich.

Stacey hasn’t harassed me, but if she does she’ll go to court with me. Maybe my threats of court were enough to scare her off. Or maybe she just realized she was way out of line and what she did was wrong. If she doesn’t drop it and if she contacts me about it, I’ll simply tell her that unless she has an apology for me, I have nothing to say.

I got a package from my parents. They sent towels which I have enough of. Some jellies which I never use, a pad of lined paper, typing paper, this pen I’m writing with, toilet paper, a purple-colored basket, 4 different neon-colored pencils, coupons, tape, scissors, a cigarette case and some of this stuff I gave to Andy.

She wrote two notes. One saying to please send her two of the monthly bulletins, cuz they’re interesting. The other note said she kept most of the pictures, my place looks great, I look happy and maybe they’ll come visit me next year. What’s next year mean? Jan. of ‘93 or Dec. of ‘93?

She sent back the pictures I figured she’d send back. All the ones of me in my bikini where you could see me from head to toe. Also one from karaoke. She kept one karaoke, though, and maybe a couple of other shots of me in my suit. She also sent a few back that came out too dark. I’m sending these to Nervous.

Still no letters from anyone, but what else is new? As I said, I finished one for Fran. Next, I’ll do one for Nerv and Tammy and Lisa. I’ll get these all out by Sat. By the end of next week, I’ll have letters for Tammy, Lisa and Becky and Mom and Dad. Kim and Bob, too. It’ll be another month before Fran and Nervous get letters.

Later...

I’m kind of bored and depressed right now. More so than I’ve been in a very long time. I do have plenty to do around here, but I’m having one of those why-can’t-I-be-a-singer and what’s-my-purpose-in-life spells. Well, then again I know why I can’t be a singer and that’s cuz I have no money and won’t sleep my way there. After I go through that in my mind as I have a million times, I ask the next question. What’s my purpose in life? I try telling myself that being at home is better than having to get up early every day, which I can’t do, and go to a job I hate and have to deal with people till I get fired even without doing anything to deserve it. But I still feel like a waste product.

I did some singing today, and later Andy will be calling. Randy may also call if he goes to the store.

I should do letter writing, editing and drawing, but I kind of want to get out of here. To go where I don’t know. I wish it were still summer and that Andy and I could go to Camelback Mountain to do our thing. However, it’s a work night for him and he’ll be crashing early.

I have a few other unpleasant things on my mind such as Tonya. I lent her two skirts, a shirt and a dress. I know she’d never rip me off, but she’s a typical airhead I’m used to dealing with. Plus, she is gorgeous, so that ought to tell you something. I called over there yesterday and Tara answered. She is also pissed at Tonya’s non-dependability. Tonya got 3 calls from Tara’s boss saying she need not come to work and Tonya never gave her the message. Tara said she’d speak to her and I left another message a while ago saying I want them by tomorrow.

Another bothersome question is, why hasn’t my sister called? What about my dad’s test results? Her talk with Sheila and Stacey?

When Andy calls, I’m gonna have him put through a collect call to Kim. I think the only way to reach her would be later at night.

I also continue to wonder if Stacey has any nasty tricks up her sleeve, but if she does I’ll deal with her.

I just had to get up to click the heat on. It’s amazing how fast and well it works. I only need to turn it on for a little while to take the chill out, then I can shut it off all night. The heat stays inside very well. I see what they mean when they say Arizona only has two seasons. It went from very hot to very chilly. For the last week or so I’ve really felt like I was in Massachusetts. But this is how it would be there around the beginning of September, not the beginning of November.