I’ll quickly get to yesterday’s bad news so I don’t get too pissed and ruin my day. Tom left at 11 AM yesterday to go to the racetrack and the instant he left, who the fuck do you think blasted off? They fucking played till 3:30. I know God’s aiming this at me and not Tom. I was incredibly pissed! I was within inches of going over there, but I said I’d wait till mid-January to see how it is then. Tom really thinks it’s high school kids and that they’ll shut up after the New Year. I’ve got to see it to believe it. People are so fucking rude and inconsiderate. Not only did it flash me back to a horrible trip down memory lane, but I felt so controlled. I couldn’t watch TV, couldn’t open the doors. Hell, I even went out back on the swing and I could still hear it. Those fucking cock-sucking assholes! They have a right to their music in their own home, but I have a right to my peace and quiet or TV in my home. Tom was super cool and very comforting. He didn’t put a guilt trip on me or tell me it shouldn’t bother me. It does, and I can’t help my feelings any more than a woman who loves kids can or a guy who hates hockey can. I’m afraid they’ll do this 1-3 times a week for years. No fucking way. I’ll burn their house down, so help me God. I’ll torch their place if that’s what it’ll take.

I live in a house now, for God’s sake! I shouldn’t have to put up with shit like this.

Later...

Just had a cigarette and now I’m ready to get to life’s pleasant side. Tammy got her CDs and the package.

I spoke to Fran this morning who’s sick with the flu and broke up with Sharon, as they usually are every other day. He hasn’t got the tapes yet or postcards, but he will today, I’m sure. So will Bob. Fran also gave me Ann W’s address. I’ll send her a letter for him.

Got a letter from Bob yesterday, and Book of Letters #5 is complete. He drew a menorah, which was sweet, yet funny as he was short by two candles.

Later, Tom and I are going out to a restaurant.

I didn’t get the chance to continue writing yesterday, as I was somewhat busy. What happened was that I fell asleep at around noon on Sunday. Then at 4 PM, those mother-fucking assholes across the street woke me up playing their fucking drums. Yes, I forgot to put my radio on, but the point of the matter is the same as always. I’m fucking sick of waking up from other people’s noise! I now live in a house for God’s sake! When the fuck am I ever gonna be able to sleep with no music on and be able to get up when I say so?!

If in the middle of January, these assholes are still doing this 1-3 times a week, I’m gonna do something about it. I promise that. I told Tom and he understands, but I’d still do something even if he didn’t cuz I’m not as heavy of a sleeper as he is and I live here too, and have a right to sleep in my own home when I want to and not be bothered by other people’s noise. I’ll start with a kind, yet blunt anonymous letter, then if that doesn’t work, I’ll talk to them face to face or send an anonymous letter to the cop across the street that lives two houses away from these jerks and see if he can do something. Now that these people next door have been quiet, it’s these folks' turn to annoy me. I bet if they upped and moved, God would pick another house to annoy the fucking shit out of me. I can’t wait for the business to hitch off so we can get into that ranch we’ve been talking about.

So anyway, I was luckily able to go back to sleep at 9 PM and got up at 3 AM.

Tom was off yesterday and he worked on the pool. We also went food shopping and stopped at Jack-n-the-Box for breakfast. After he dropped me off he went to bring Tammy, Bob and Fran’s packages to the post office, picked up the driver’s manual, then did errands of his own.

I’m gonna study the driver’s manual and take a written test. If I pass, I’ll have a license for $25 for 12 years. If I flunk, I’ll just get a photo ID for $7. Andy says if I can pass the police exam, I can pass this. I hope so, cuz after all, I did pass it in MA.

Tom and I also had some fun but didn’t get around to experimenting with the KY jelly yet, but we will sooner or later. We also played the card game on the computer and I did my usual hobbies. Watched TV, listened to music, etc.

Yesterday I got those 50 postcards in the mail. That sure was fast. I have 10 going to Fran, 10 to Kim, 10 to Bob, 10 to Alex, 6 to Nervous and 1 to Tammy, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. I thought it’d be something different since it’s been so long since I’ve written to Tammy and the girls.

Yesterday I also sewed Andy’s pillowcase and I gotta get more yarn to do the booties.

I ended up conking out at 4 PM and I awoke at 11:00, got up and had a smoke, fell back asleep and awoke to what sounded like a ball bouncing at 2 AM. That was OK, though, cuz by that time I’d had plenty of sleep and I sure did need it. When I fell back asleep at 11:00, I had shut off the radio, too. I have to expect to be woken up if I turn off the radio.

When I got up, I called Andy. I’m surprised he did not really let me have it since I can’t find his tape and I know it’s on its way to either Bob or Fran. Can you believe I was that stupid and irresponsible?! Well, I was. He asked me if in a few days, I could type up a huge list of Stevie songs for him. I told him that’d be no problem.

After that, I ate, played with the pig, played the card game, put my tooth whitener on, put my makeup on and now I will go listen to some tunes.

Later...

Shortly after Tom got up, we went over the driver’s manual. I wrote out more postcards, too.

Got two checks in the mail from my parents. Each for $25. One said Happy Birthday, the other says Happy Hanukkah.

I talked to Dean, the guy who lives next door. I said I was sorry I went off on his wife Lenore and that I should’ve been more understanding of their moving situation. He said they understood and there were a lot of people there. They’ve been so quiet, as now it’s the house across the street’s turn. But I’ll get to hear them this weekend.

It was actually pretty nice out once it got to be close to 11:00. I aired the place out, dusted and vacuumed. Went out back for a bit and even took the pig out. She liked it and wasn’t even nervous.

Well, I sure had a bad night last night, but luckily it only lasted 5 hours.

I went to bed at noon yesterday.

Amazingly enough, I heard no music the last two nights.

Before I went to bed I called sweet old Barb. She was actually a tiny bit friendly. She also moved. Really? They were there for 11 years. I never thought they’d move. She says Debbie’s still there. I believe it.

I got up at 8:00 and Tom had come back from his parents. He got a $50 bill, an inflatable Frisbee for the pool, a T-shirt, a book light, and a few other things.

Now here’s the shocker - Tom never told his brother David and his sister-in-law Evie, who is expecting a kid, that I write journals. Neither Tom nor I even thought I’d get anything from them, but sure enough, there was a package for me when I got up. They got me a journal! I instantly thought Tom told them, but he swears he never did. Way cool! I now have a total of 56 journals.

I still can’t find Andy’s tape. His “psychic” ability says it’s here somewhere. This is what he left a message saying. While he does have an accurate psychic ability, for the most part, I’m gonna hate to have to tell him he’s wrong. He also left his phone off the hook for me to leave party line messages from the radio station. I called Gina and she says she’s not doing the party line right now.

I typed letters to Kim and Alex and also played that game. Now I’m so bored. What do I do now?

Later...

Can’t sleep so I was just up doing some thinking. God, that’s absolutely amazing that Dave and Evie got me a journal. Tom looked dead-serious when he said he never mentioned my doing journals. Well, maybe Evie’s psychic.

Speaking of that, the so-called psychic issue, I can’t help thinking about my dad. He knew other things in the past that I didn’t or didn’t believe. For example, when I was fat, like in the 130s - 140s, he said he knew I’d lose it. Well, of course, I did. He dropped numerous hints about my someday finding “Mr. Right.” Well, remember how I mentioned he recently said, “It’ll work. It’s your time now” as far as Tom and I go? I wonder if he knows whether or not I’ll ever have a kid. Right now I’d say I can’t see myself having one within the next 2-3 years, but I also couldn’t see PHX, dancing and Tom. I can’t see myself ever getting the fuck off the damn cigarettes, either.

Later...

Tom’s at work now, but he has tomorrow off.

We’re both anxious to get the back room and his room fixed up nicely as he wants to get the house appraised. He also has to fix a part of the kitchen ceiling.

We’re both looking forward to having some fun, too. I’ve been so horny and I’d like to see just how much that KY jelly will help if it even does at all. So far, though, he’s only been able to put only the tip of his dick in me. He hasn’t cum yet either, but he’s come close. Thankfully we both aren’t wanting and trying for me to get pregnant.

But what if he can never cum? What if someday we do decide we want a kid, although I doubt it and I seriously do believe I’m sterile? How’s he gonna cum? Even if he could cum, he’d have to do it in a cup. Then I’d have to use a turkey baster, as gross as it may sound. Then again, enough people have said if a guy cums outside of you, that those things can swim up there if you catch my drift.

I’ve also heard other weird things. Some women can tell if they’re ovulating. I can’t. I also hear it’s 14 days after your period that you can conceive, then I also hear a few days before periods and during periods. Oh well.

There’s nothing on TV as usual on weekend mornings, so I guess I may as well go play that computer game for now.

Later...

I’m so fucking bored, but not ready for sleep yet. I played more of that computer card game and I also listened to some music.

I sure had a fun and productive night.

Let me just mention a couple of funny things that happened yesterday morning first. I beat the pants off of Tom in a computer card game. It was fun.

Then Tom opened the back door and said, “What is the chair doing in our pool?” Well, the wind blew it in.

Yesterday I finally got Ma’s envelope. They made it sound like they mailed it two weeks ago. They only mailed it out on the 20th. So, anyway, there was a card in it along with about 15 pictures of their new condo. It is absolutely gorgeous. If I was still alone it’d be perfect for me. They’re in a 2-bedroom with 2 floors now. Their furniture is totally my style and Tom and I both agreed that their kitchen and bathroom looked exactly like ours were in Crystal Creek.

I typed them a letter as well as one to Bob.

Tammy sent a card too and it was so sweet of her to put Tom’s name on it too. This is my first card with someone else’s name on it. That sure is weird and different for me, but nice.

Last night Tom and I had lots of fun wrapping Christmas presents for his family. We put bows on it too, and I made pouches for those people getting lottery tickets. He also printed out Christmas pictures which I colored in.

Andy came over and I re-dubbed his tape. I also gave him the notes I wrote out. I’m sewing a ripped pillowcase for him, and for his birthday I’m making booties for him. I can begin that now, as I finally finished Tom’s little bag for his portable computer.

Andy’s gonna want to kill me and I don’t blame him. I was making a tape for him of all the calls left on his answering machine. Well, I think I taped over it with stuff for Fran and Bob. I have never been so stupid, irresponsible, and air-headed before! I’m so pissed off.

Tom’s in the shower now and real soon he’ll be going over to his parents.

I’m trying to stay up so my schedule’s prepared for the 6th. That’s the GYN appointment.

I can’t believe they didn’t blast their music across the street last night, but thank God!

Later...

I’m trying to keep awake and there is absolutely nothing on TV.

Tom’s in the bathroom with diarrhea. What a lousy way to start off Christmas. The poor guy.

When I do sleep, I’m able to sleep with the music off more so than usual cuz the dogs have been quieter. Tonight, however, across the street may very well blast off. It’s Christmas and it’s also Saturday night. Unless they’re gonna go elsewhere for Christmas or have any respect enough to not blast out other people’s Christmas, I don’t think they (or most people) give a damn.

Even though I’d like to change my schedule for a little while, I hope on New Year’s Eve I’m up to watch the ball go down. If not, I’ll tape it.

I got my package today. I got two other things besides my guitar. A sweatshirt and a makeup kit. Naturally, no pictures, and no other mail. I typed Mom and Dad a letter letting them know I haven’t gotten the envelope.

Andy’s bringing his tape over tomorrow to re-dub. I didn’t have the volume control up high enough. I didn’t know this as there’s no volume control for recording on my stereo. The edits came out OK, though, cuz I checked them.

Got my period yesterday which I’m so sick of. Maybe on the 6th, I’ll get lucky and the GYN will say I need a hysterectomy.

I sent Tammy and Lisa messages through Prodigy. Also checked Springfield weather. It’s currently 10º! But hey, it’s pretty chilly here now.

Haven’t heard any kids, the dogs have been quieter, but those fucking assholes across the street blared their music for a good two hours. I’ll have to listen to that for the next two nights, too. It seems Thursday, Friday and Saturday are the days that they usually blast off. It’s definitely a live heavy metal band and nothing like when I blast my music. There’s no way other people could hear my music, even if they were outside. It’s the base that kills me.

I have half of Tom’s tote bag done for his little mini portable computer.

Let’s see…what else did I do today? I changed Beauty’s cage, watched TV, did my nails, did dishes and straightened up. Tom hopes to have the pool done soon. I also crimped my hair and rearranged and reorganized some of my cosmetics. Now, I think I may type a letter. To whom, I don’t know.

Later...

I typed a letter to Fran and played computer games. Right now I think I’ll go listen to music. Maybe I’ll write more later if I can’t sleep. If not, I’ll write late tomorrow night or tomorrow. TV was kind of boring. No good TV to watch if I can’t sleep, though.

I got up at 7:00 last night. Course I got no mail. Tom went to bed right after I got up.

During the night I watched TV and did some awesome wall art with the markers Tom got me yesterday.

Tom got up at 3 AM and we went to MacFrugal’s which is a discount store. It’s a really neat store and I definitely want to go back when I have more money.

We got 4 little pads with mirrored covers. One with stars, the others with balloons, teddy bears and hearts. We got some glue that’s similar to the roll-on glue, plush street sign stickers, (one of them’s on a journal cover), and Tom got more Christmas presents. We also got one of those things you can write on, then lift up this plastic-like thing and it takes away what you wrote. I had one when I was little and they’re very quick and convenient for writing short quick notes.

Lastly, I got a twin-size foam thing to put on top of my mattress to make the bed softer. It sure beats the foam I cut from my sleeper/couch.

Tom and I are gonna order stamps through Prodigy and I’m gonna buy some really cute envelopes I saw at Walmart and the grocery stores. I only have 9 of those 100 stamped envelopes I ordered. For now, I ordered 50 postcards for $9.50.

Tom just left to hopefully finish his Christmas shopping.

I showed him the stuff I got. He liked it.

Andy brought over a Christmas card that was left outside of the mailboxes at his apartment complex. It was something about owning the Rockies and being a good team. “Hard to keep up with 3 kids. John becoming a dad. It seems like yesterday they were smoking cigarettes in some fort, throwing apples at cars and trying to score with the twins. They wished they lived closer. Whoever gets near Cheyenne, let them know.”

Well, I’m sending this card to Nervous. I also typed a letter to Kim that I’m “accidentally” mailing to Nervous. Yes, I said some pretty wild stuff in the letter and most of it is bull.

Earlier, I taped a movie called Illusions, but I don’t think I’ll watch it right now. Luckily both Unsolved Mysteries and Law & Order will be back on tonight. Some stupid Bob Hope Christmas special was on in place of it last week.

My ear is ringing. I fucking hate that.

Yesterday I still got no fucking envelope from my parents. Maybe it got lost, but if I don’t get it by Friday, I give up. Not on life as Tom, though, but on expecting it. I hope they didn’t accidentally address it to our address but Dr. or St. We’ll see. I hope to hell Tammy gets her CDs cuz she still hasn’t gotten those yet.

I’m gonna knit Andy a pair of slippers for his birthday which is February 15th. He really liked the pair I made. I’ll also send Lisa a check for $10 for her birthday which is January 20th. Larry’s birthday is January 15th and I’ll get his address from Tammy and send just a card.

I wonder if the package Mom and Dad sent by UPS will get here tomorrow? I doubt it. It’ll probably come after Christmas. I sure wish to hell that whenever it comes that my pictures were in it. What a dream. I mean, what a total fantasy it’d be to open up the package and there they are! Yeah - right! I’d surely die of shock though. What would I say to them? God! I’d be speechless. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. If only they knew all I’ve done since being here in Phoenix. They’d die of pure shock! I’ll bet you if I saw them all, I’d be like, oh yeah! I remember this picture! I forgot all about it. I can’t really even remember all of them. There were so many. She stole 30-50, at least. Well, I’m a firm believer that what goes around comes around. Maybe someone’s stolen from her. Or did something similar. I know I’m dreaming, but what a Chanukah and birthday present it’d be to get them all back. It’d be like 5 years’ worth of birthday and Chanukah presents combined altogether. Oh, please, God! Let them finally be in this package. Please, please, please, please!

You know, I did some counting earlier. I’ve gotten 30 new journals since coming to PHX. Did 21 in 1993, but that’s not counting #54 and #55. Got 9 journals since I moved into this house. Not bad!

Later...

I still can’t sleep, but oh well.

When Tom came back from shopping he brought me a box of different colored markers. How sweet and just what I needed, too. He just left for work a few minutes ago.

Wendy left a message about possibly coming over after work. Really? I told Tom he’s got a right to have his friends visit just like I do. His response was, “I care about Wendy very much, but I refuse to let anyone come between us.” Who knows what’s going on, but I don’t care what he decided to do.

His friend Geri’s moving back here from S. Dakota. Now, this woman is someone I definitely don’t want to see, and he knows it. He told her on the phone last night I was staying forever. She still says I’m gonna hurt him. Yeah, sure. I can see and understand her fear of this, though, due to the sorry statistics of assholes out there that do hurt people.

Tom also bought more labels. The kinds that number these books. That’s cool as we only have black. This little kit also has blue, yellow, orange, red and green.

He was showing me some of the Christmas presents he bought. One of them was a paint glue for fabric with a pattern in it and you dot the paint so that the picture comes out dotted. I wanted something like this for myself. It only costs $3.

Later...

I forgot to mention what I’m doing for Andy. First of all, when he came over, he brought 3 tacos and I had one. He also brought me an NPN envelope and Tom gave me one, too. I came across 16 more pictures I don’t want. Mainly of Andy’s first apartment from when he first moved here. Also, a hideous one of me when I was around 21 and two of me with my hair shoulder length when I lived on Oswego St. in Springfield. I put 8 in each envelope.

Before Andy left to come out here, I wrote tons of little papers with lines from edits and songs and whatever. He slowly distributed them in cars, stores, etc. So, I had about 30 small, loose pieces of paper that I wrote all kinds of mumbo jumbo, including Ellie’s phone number. I’ll give him these next time I see him.

Just finished watching TV. I also typed Bob a letter.

I did a little bit of exercise and used the Thigh Master. I’ve been constantly using the Thigh Master for two weeks now. Gotta keep it up. I concentrate on my thighs and lower gut mainly. The rest of me is pretty good.

Still haven’t gotten my period yet, but I will by Christmas. I’m so fucking bloated and up to 102 pounds. At least I am much firmer. I’m getting more muscle definition.

I cut two old sweatshirts into half-shirts. I also have a very long sleep shirt. Too long and obnoxious and it gets in the way. I cut it shorter. Lastly, I cut a long strip of material, about 7-8” wide. I put it behind me, took it in front across my boobs and then tied it between my tits. This looks very sexy. I got this idea from a dancer at the Ex-Cal who did this with a scarf. Or a shawl.

I pretty much slept all day and had several weird dreams. Lots of people from my past were there (I have no idea where “there” was). It was very crowded. Bill was there, Ronnie, Cousins Lori and Lisa, and some other old long-time family friends.

Well, I guess I’ll call Tammy now.

Later...

Yup, I was right. The credit card people called her. She’s just gonna tell them she’s home for the holidays if they call again. I recommended scaring them with the edits.

Before calling her, I accidentally called my folks. I just hung up. It was Dad who answered and only half a ring, sounding fully awake. Still, I wasn’t gonna say, “Oops. Sorry to call at 6:30 in the morning. I meant to call Tammy. Have a great day!”

I spoke with Lisa for a while, too. She’s playing her sax tonight in a concert and Tammy’s gonna video it and send me a copy. I’d love that!

Later...

Tom’s gonna be getting up any minute now. Wait till I show him the very creative way I put these margins in my paper journal. I put the box of KY Jelly on the center of the book, then traced down the sides. I guess that’s quite an original.

Later...

Andy and I went to the Christown Mall and Tom gave me $20 in case we decided to go out. Boy, that $20 sure went a long way in the mall. I bought a pen, a pair of white sneakers for $2, a journal for $8 and a beautiful pair of black suede shoes with thick high heels for only $5! They’re so easy to walk in too, cuz the heels are so thick and they’re a really popular style now.

Last night we went shopping. I even got a pair of blue cotton stretch pants for $4.

Tom may be getting up again at 3:00 and that’s a little over a half-hour from now. That’s what he mentioned earlier as he still has more Christmas shopping to do.

So anyway, I typed another 3-page letter with yellow paper to my parents. If their envelope ever gets here, I can write the address down and mail it off. If I don’t get the letter tomorrow, I’ll call Palm City Info and get their address. I typed a 2-page letter to Fran, too. I used different fonts for his letter and my parents. I really enjoy it. I mean, I just love to sit there and type away, one after another.

Yesterday afternoon I did one of those workout videos for 40 minutes. I feel stronger and firmer, yet fat, as in big, chunky. Got a lot of water retention, too. Why couldn’t males get periods? I wish it’d hurry up and start.

Thursday evening Tom and I may go to the zoo to see all the Christmas lights. Several houses on this street have their houses decorated and lit up so nice and pretty.

Gloria was on the Disney channel, but I don’t really feel like I’ve missed out. I hate how she looks lately. I have enough of her on video from when she was looking just fine!

So, what else did I do this last 24-hour period since I last wrote? Well, I did some more knitting. I’m making a bag for Tom’s little pocket-size computer. Well, it’s almost pocket-size.

Yesterday we got some KY jelly. Maybe this will help, but Tom showed me a position that allows me to be more relaxed. Especially on my bed which is so low due to having no frame. I lay on my back with my feet on the floor and it sure is relaxing compared to holding them up. He’s been more physical with me and I’m grateful for that. It’s not too much and not too little. I also really feel and sense he wants to be more physical too, and isn’t doing it just to please me.

Later...

Oops. I just woke poor Tom up to kill two spiders and he wasn’t getting up. I could’ve sworn he said he was getting up at 3:00, but he really meant tomorrow. At least he can go back to bed and he did.

I’ve been sooo damn hungry. I’m gonna get something else to eat.

Later...

I fell asleep at 6 AM and woke up several times. However, this lazy girl didn’t get up till 5:30. I was sooo tired.

The backs of my legs are sore, but tomorrow I’m gonna run through the video again.

Still no mail from my parents and there probably won’t be until next week. That UPS package may not make it here till around the 30th with everything now being so slow. I called Palm City info, then realized I wasted my time. They can’t give zip codes. I left a message on their machine to call me and give me their address, but they didn’t as I figured.

Tammy had left a message that she wanted me to call her in the morning cuz she’s got something to tell me. Nothing important, though. She gave me their address and I’ve got 2 letters, 3 pages each, ready to go out to them.

She couldn’t give me any hints about what she wanted to discuss as Bill was there. The only thing she said was something about the card (I sent a card). Wonder if she’s talking about the credit card folks?

She hasn’t seen or heard from Larry yet, but she sent a Christmas card. I’ll have to get his address so I can send a birthday card to him on 1/15, then one for Lisa on 1/20. I typed 2 letters so far tonight. One to Alex and one to Kim.

Gotta go shut the VCR off and take my pill.

I learned a few things on the computer all by myself without Tom’s help. First of all, I typed a 3-page letter to my parents. Also, one to Kim, Bob, Alex and Fran. I figured out how to delete old files and I also had no problem inserting colored paper.

Wish I’d hurry up and get my period. My tits hurt! The good news about that is that I’m right before my period and I only weigh 99 pounds.

I got a state form in the mail regarding my SS. Boy, they sure operate differently here and I even called my dad. He and Tom helped me with it.

Still no envelope from Mom and Dad. Love this mail system.

I was rearranging a little and I came across a photo album Andy gave me. It’s great for long-size jumbo prints so that’s what I’ll use it for. Tom and I printed out Christmas pictures for his family. I color them in for him. His mom sent over cookies and they’re really good.

I wonder if Tammy got together with Larry yet. I talked to her a few days ago and I guess she didn’t cuz she never said anything about it.

Got a letter and a card from Kim.

Fran’s gonna be a dad by Sharon. Hope he can deal with it. Maybe it’ll be good for him, who knows?

Tom and I wrapped the packages for Bob and Tammy. They’ll go out next week.

Tom and I are fine and so is the pig. Haven’t talked to Andy, but I’m sure I will.

Later...

I just called Gina for the first time since my birthday. She hasn’t been doing the party line lately as she’s been busy doing other things. She asked if I wanted to hear anything. I said The Lion Sleeps Tonight would do. She was gonna play it right away, but she hasn’t yet.

Andy left a message as he was going to bed at 11:00. He said he was pulling his phone off the hook so I could leave party line messages, but I’m only gonna if there is a party line tonight. When I called, I was the only one and that’s no fun.

Yesterday evening, sure enough, the people across the street had lots of company and played their music. I will thankfully say this, though, they had their music much quieter and it didn’t last long. I thought I’d hear from them tonight, but pleasantly enough, it was dead quiet.

The dog next door’s been much quieter too, thankfully. I think someone bitched them out. Very little noise from kids too, so all’s been pretty peaceful.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 4 AM and was so pissed to wake up at 8:30. At close to 10:00, though, I miraculously fell back asleep till 3 PM. Tom got up at 8 AM yesterday and crashed at 8 PM. He’s gonna get up at 3:00 so we can go food shopping. He also has to get Christmas presents. I hope I’m awake enough cuz I’d really like to get out. We figured 3 AM is a good way to avoid the Christmas shopping crowd.

Later...

Guess Tom will be getting up anytime soon now. I’m psyched for shopping, but I’ll bet he isn’t. I don’t blame him. Then after we shop, he has to go to work from 8 AM - 6:30 PM. The poor guy.

 I am watching TV now. I expect any minute now that the people across the street will blast their music till 11 PM just like last weekend. I wouldn’t mind if they blasted country music or dance music, but they blast heavy metal.

No mail from Ma, but I got a letter from Bob. I copied it into #44.

I called Tammy to see if she got the CDs. She hasn’t yet. I got her package ready. I’m sending two dresses I don’t want, some shirts and jewelry. Also 3 of the 5 posters with glow-in-the-dark paint, and 3 hats I used the fabric glue to put each of the girls’ names on.

Tom also gave me the Yahtzee box to use to send Bob’s tapes in. Last night I made two tapes for Fran. They’re of convos and edits. I had a little mailbag to mail them in. There are convos with him talking to Nervous, Sharon, Melissa, Ann, and the crisis center.

Unsolved Mysteries and Law & Order weren’t on tonight due to some stupid Christmas special, so I didn’t watch too much TV.

Actually, I’m so proud of myself. I made a beautiful shirt from a satin pillowcase, made a matching barrette, and did up the second slipper. My wall hanging, which is to be Tom’s Christmas present’s almost done, too. Next, I’m gonna try to knit a tote bag. That should be easy.

I hope I get the envelope Ma sent me tomorrow. My horoscope says good news by mail from a loved one for tomorrow. It looks pretty good through the 19th and so far, they’ve been fairly accurate.

I got a letter going out to Kim that I typed earlier.

I’ve been playing this neat card game on the computer called Cruel. You have to keep the suits together and go from the ace to the king and hope the computer doesn’t stop you before you finish. It always stops me, but it’s fun anyway.

Today’s certainly a far cry better than last December 15th. I was having a nightmare of an asthma attack a year ago today.

Still no mail for me today, but right now I’m gonna go check Prodigy and type a few letters.

When we got in, there was a message from Larry that he was gonna be in PHX and mentioned stopping in that night or the next day. After I played his message, I noticed that Tom looked upset and I asked what was wrong. He said he was overwhelmed.

Well, so was I, but I really got pissed when he said that he’d have to “pick up the pieces” when the visit was over. That made me feel like a lousy piece of shit. Like I was a burden to him and not worth it. I told him that I could pick up my own pieces if I needed to and that this was something I had to do. Also, if the visit went bad, I would tell him I never wanted to see him again. I said if he loved and understood me, he’d be a good sport and be supportive. I’m sick of his jealous trips. First, he’s jealous of Kim and now my own brother.

I wanted to give my brother the benefit of the doubt and see if he’s changed or not and see if there could be a relationship with no hostility or anger from the past. I also said he isn’t someone I could associate with on a daily basis any more than I could with my parents or Tammy. I want and hope that there’s a way we can have occasional contact, rather than never have anything to do with each other.

Then Larry called at 7 PM that night and he said he was in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He said he may hit PHX in 3 hours. If not, maybe tomorrow at some time but he had to call his company at 8 AM to see if they had to send him to Yuma or wherever.

He asked to talk to Tom for directions and Tom knows much more than I do. Well, this struck a nerve in him and he went to bed. I asked myself, why should I feel guilty about asking the one I love for help? I felt it was easier for him to tell Larry directly than for me to dictate back and forth.

So Larry never came that night which was OK with me cuz I was tired.

I awoke the next morning after only sleeping a few hours. Tom was already up when I went into the kitchen and he wouldn’t say a word to me. Right away I thought, I don’t need this shit and I’m not gonna take it. So I asked if he was planning on being a poor sport all the time and was gonna try to control me and if he was gonna do this when Tammy and my parents come out here.

Well, his main gripe was that we had plans for Saturday which I didn’t even know about. We were to go to a restaurant, but I thought that was next weekend. He also said he was working on the pool and was going Christmas shopping. Well, the pool and the shopping had nothing to do with me, as I couldn’t help him with the pool or his shopping. I don’t know his family or have any idea of what they’d want.

Then he was expressing his concerns about me letting Larry and abusive people into my life. I said that if Larry came off as abusive or I felt in danger in any way, I’d have nothing to do with him and that I don’t let abusive people into my life. I’m not the Jodi I used to be who would just lay down and put up with people’s shit. I know how to say no to bad people or places.

Neither of us ever thought of me moving out, but when he said “the engagement was off, we were over, I was scum treating him like scum,” I was both furious and hurt. And all because my brother visited me. I thought once again about how life’s all about dumping and being dumped. I wondered if he was gonna throw in the towel and say we were through every time we have a problem. It’s easier to call it quits rather than work things out. I asked him how overnight he went from us working through the tough times to let’s call it quits. He was putting false feelings and intentions in my head, jumping the gun and doing things he didn’t like me to do. He said I was abusive to him by canceling our plans and time together. Seeing my brother is not abusing him, I didn’t know we had plans, I don’t like to be abused, and what goes on in my life with family or others doesn’t mean he’s less important.

So later he apologized for saying mean things to me and I told him of course I want to try to see others when he’s working or asleep so we can be together when he’s home. And yes, he’s encouraged me to see others. And yes, I love to spend time with him. The good thing about it was that we settled our problems and talked them through in a few hours, rather than a few days like it used to be. We even made love and that’s another good thing that I’ve been very happy about. He’s been more physical with me.

Today it got even better, as what he said to me was the best thing he’s ever said in making peace with any of our disagreements. It took a very big person to say what he said when he got home from work after I told him my visit went well with Larry. He said he felt so bad cuz he was really wrong yesterday and didn’t handle it well at all. He really said this from the heart and that he wanted to give me more responsibility like I’ve been wanting if I still want him. I told him of course I wanted him and that if I didn’t, I’d say so and get the hell out. He said he knew that I could relate to pressure and that he wanted me to help him from going crazy and making the same mistake and he trusted me to be responsible for making my own judgments when it comes to us. He doesn’t ever want to say mean things and he wants to learn to handle himself better when he’s upset. He doesn’t want any stupid rules and says I can go back to dancing anytime I want. Oh, I knew this cuz nobody tells me what to do and I refuse to live in a controlled place. I am a responsible adult and he’s not gonna play daddy or put out rules, any more than I would. He fully agrees with this. When I mentioned I was afraid he’d come home from work early when Larry was here, he looked sad and said he didn’t ever want me to feel that way cuz I don’t deserve it. I agree. I also agreed with him to not say nasty things when I’m upset, too, as words can hurt like a slap or a punch. I felt so happy with all we talked about before he hit the sack. What we have to work out and get better at is a joke compared to what Andy and I had to work out and get better at as friends so I’m far from worried. I still feel very confident that we’ll be OK and we have so many good days. We began going together in August and the total time that’s been bad is about two weeks of it and I think that’s pretty good compared to most people!

Later...

I’m sooo happy now. The visit went well with Larry as I said before and I do believe he wanted to see me and wasn’t simply out to please mom and dad. I could sense that Larry’s not anxious to see Tammy, but what can I say? In a way, I’m not surprised, as those two were not close ever. He and I were.

In other news, Tom and I are doing great. Naturally, he’s sound asleep now and I may try to knock off soon.

Before I do, let me mention what I did for Bob. It took me many hours, but I didn’t mind. Especially with Tom’s stereo having high-speed dubbing. I made him 19 tapes of convos and edits. He’ll love it and this will really occupy his time. I taped onto tapes of other people, cuz I want to get rid of those and use only blanks if I can. Well, I’ll write more later. Bye for now!

Later...

I had quite a busy, yet productive day today. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, washed dishes, washed the shower curtain and last night I changed the pig’s cage. I also went out to the driveway and picked up 3 flyers that had been out there and trashed those.

Only Tom got mail today, but I spoke to dad. No UPS package got sent yet, but it will soon. My guitar and other stuff will be in it. Meanwhile, tomorrow I hope to get an envelope ma sent.

I spoke to dad about their new place which they love. Pictures will soon be sent to me. Can you believe they do not have a camcorder? I’m surprised they don’t.

I told him that Kim, Phil and Alex came and that Kim sent a camera. I also told him all the great things about Tom and dad said, “It’ll work. It’s your time now.”

Can’t wait for him to hurry home so I can show him all I’ve done around here and tell him things.

Last night he was so loving and rubbed my back and made me coffee when I got up after a nap. I could see in his eyes how he still feels bad about last Friday and Saturday. He expressed once again how he felt bad for saying mean things. That’s what really counts. If he couldn’t see his faults or didn’t want to confess to them, then there’d be a problem and I’d probably leave.

Later...

Tom and I just talked for an hour and a half. Now he’s gone to bed.

I have a sprained ankle which is a little sore. We have no ace bandages, so I wrapped it in a towel.

The lady never called back as I asked her to, but she called from a dance studio somewhere about a free trial lesson.

I did some thinking as far as the Ex-Caliber goes, or any other bar. The only moneymaking nights that are worth it are on weekends and no club will let me work less than 4 shifts a week. Sunday - Thursday nights and days aren’t really too much more money and if I did work weekends, I’d hardly see Tom. This would be cruel and unfair to both of us and my spending time with him is as important to me as it is to him. So, we’re gonna check out dance places for disco or modern dance and see if weekly lessons are affordable. This way I can do what I love to do, it won’t be 6-7 hour shifts, I could schedule it so Tom could drive me, he’d have better peace of mind and I wouldn’t have to deal with drunks in loud smoky bars. We’ll see.

Right now, I’m taping a 2-hour movie of the Brady Bunch having a Christmas reunion. After, I’m gonna watch a movie called Single White Female.

Earlier I typed 3 letters. To Kim, Alex and Fran. I also pre-addressed envelopes. I’d like Tom to teach me how to print address labels for those I constantly write to. This way, all I have to do is stick it on, like I do with my address labels. It’ll be neater and easier.

Well, it’s almost showtime, so I’m gonna go make me some popcorn. I must take my meds in an hour.

A lot has happened in the last few days and now I’ve got the time to get into it.

I am awake and I can’t believe I slept 14 hours. On and off, that is, but I sure needed it. For the last week, I slept only 5-7 hours.

Last Friday Tom and I went to some stores. In the mall’s record store, a woman said something so funny to me. She began to back up into me, then said, “You’re so pretty I thought you were a mannequin.” This is different, and Tom and I were laughing after. I kept asking Tom how it felt to be engaged to a mannequin.

Let me go check the computer to see if I got any mail. Then, I’ll continue.

Later...

No mail.

Now, where was I? Oh, at the mall. There, a pretty Mexican woman gave me a really pretty belt for $10 which is normally $20. I also got 2 free hair accessories that were normally $5 for filling out an application for a credit card I know I won’t get, nor do I want to get it.

I got 3 more fabric glues, so now I have a total of 6. More variety. I had 3 sporty caps that I didn’t want so I put each of my nieces’ names on them and soon I’ll send them.

I got a really pretty red nightie with red satin and chiffon. Next time I go to this store, I’m gonna get a pair of jeans with black lace on the sides of them. I got a gold G-string which will go with a gold top I have for when I go swimming and tanning.

I got 2 journals for a buck each. They’re of shitty quality, but that’s what you get for a buck.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything, I got knitting needles and yarn. I’m making something for Tom, which I’ll explain another time, but get this! I made my very first slipper and the second one’s almost done. Who knows how I figured it out, but I did. Tom was impressed and really liked it.

I have both good and bad news to tell about Tom later, but hopefully the bad won’t be repeated.

Later...

I don’t believe it! I just saw my brother and it went really well. Tom’s to be home any minute now, so I’ll write later.

Later...

I have so much to write about that I’m actually typing this now on the 12th at 8 PM. I will copy it in as soon as I can.

Let me get into the visit with Larry before I back up and fill in the gaps of the last few days. While Tom was at work he came and parked the 18-wheeler alongside W. Weldon. Good thing our house is on the corner, otherwise it would’ve blocked driveways. Yup, that truck was huge.

He came out of the truck and gave me a hug and kiss and then I went up into the truck. What were my emotions? Shock and disbelief. About seeing him, I mean. The cabin of the truck was very nice with a bed, TV, VCR, and a place for food and clothes. Then he came into the house and was really impressed with it. I gave him some water and he asked if it was OK to smoke in the house.

Before he came in, he showed me pictures of Larry and Jennifer. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that Jennifer was a picture of Sandy as a kid.

He also dropped some paperwork and said the word “frickin.” Then I said, “You can say fucking cuz I swear, too.”

So, in the house, we had a good talk and I showed him around. He saw some of my drawings and I showed him The Beat magazine I was in. He asked if he could have it and I intended to give it to him anyway.

I also told him how much happier I was here and that I was staying out of trouble with the law. He said he knew all about that. I knew he did. It was in every newspaper in New England.

The only thing he said about Jenny C was that they were friends and that her parents were sick. I knew they were friends and I told him that both she and I did shit to each other that was wrong but that from now on it’s not worth my getting into trouble with those I don’t like. I just simply try to walk away and ignore them. This is with all the exceptions of any letters I’ve sent to anyone. He said it was good that I haven’t made any calls cuz it’s not worth it and it’s too easy to get caught. I did tell him that I didn’t know it was illegal to record people at first and I told him about the edits. I even played him a few seconds of one of the edited tapes.

He says that when he’s home and he gets the chance he’ll see Tammy. He doesn’t know from one day to the next where he’ll be. He’s in PHX all the time so he understands that if he calls here spontaneously that I may be busy.

He told me about his job and I told him about dancing and my hobbies. That I was still pretty much into music and art.

He told me that he was in Florida making a delivery and looking up a number in the phonebook when he came across Mom and Dad’s number. That’s when he decided it was time to mend his ways.

Uncle Marty had a heart attack and he says he feels bad cuz he and Dad are living on borrowed time. He’s come to realize you only have one family. Yup, you can choose your friends, but not your family. Can’t say I feel much for Marty, though.

I’m sure he was shocked at how thin I am now (back to 99), and how long my hair is. I thought his hair would be grayer and that he’d be much heavier, but he’s only big in the gut.

During the visit, he called Mom and Dad with his credit card and we even had a good talk. I said hello when he handed me the phone and my dad said, “Hi shorty.” He said they were shipping out my other guitar and Ma said to look for an envelope and some other stuff.

He was here for about 45 minutes, as I didn’t want Tom to come home to surprise company after working 10 hours and being beat. Tom’s a whole different story that has the best ending ever to any of our disagreements, but I will get into this later.

Now, let me back up and cover what’s been going on with Tom and I. Last Friday after we came back from all the shopping, Tom was bummed cuz the pool is still fucked up and it’s gonna cost money to fix it.

I also got a call from the GYN who now needs to reschedule me for January 6th. So it was a hectic day for both of us and Tom really hates his job.

Last night was lots of fun. Tom came home in a super good mood, knowing he’ll be off for 3 days. We talked and ate some B-Day cake.

I felt kind of tight yesterday, as there was a big smog alert and lots of carbon monoxide in the air due to all the Christmas shoppers.

Later...

Tom’s going out very soon to the horse races. I feel he’ll win $40, but we’ll just have to wait and see. I hope he has a good time anyway.

An hour or two after Tom got home last night, we went to Hollywood Videos to get The Guardian video. The bad thing about it is that there’s a red line across the top of it. It’s a copy guard I guess, but it’s OK cuz I can still see what I need to see. They also cut a scene I liked that was on TV. But, they replaced it with some pretty explicit stuff.

Later...

I had to stop writing earlier to go and do something. Tom’s out now at the races. Hope he wins something. It is beautiful out now. I have both the front and back doors open now. Got the fan running through to air out the smoke.

Anyway, as I was saying about the video, she has nice tits and a nice body. Not too thin, not too heavy. There were two pictures of her on the back of the video box. One was only so-so. The other was much nicer, but kind of bright.

Now, why some guy’s standing out in the middle of the street with a basket beats the living shit out of me. Oh well.

Still no mail from Bob or anyone. Who knows what, if anything, is going on? I hope he’s OK, but he has two more stamps and two more address labels I sent him, so we’ll see.

I’m listening to an old Juice Newton tape I got into when I was about 13 or 14.

Andy may call later. Actually, he definitely will cuz he’s gonna need his work pants. On the other hand, Tom and I may be going out later.

Well, here’s the school bus, and the man with the big basket put two little kids in it.

Later...

I have so much to update on. Lots of stuff has happened. I’m super tired now as I’ve been through a lot with very little sleep. Therefore, I shall write tomorrow. What I will do for now, though, is copy in Bob’s letter in #44. Yesterday I got a letter from Alex and Bob, but I already copied in Alex’s.

Last night I did the 4 remaining posters. They don’t look too pretty in the light, but they do glow in the dark. One’s in Tom’s room, one’s in mine, the living room, kitchen, and the back room.

Damn! I turned the heat down on the thermostat but it’s still soaring away. I opened the front door for a while.

Tom wasn’t able to get the video yesterday, cuz there are two movies called The Guardian. The guy at the store got confused cuz neither he or Tom knew this.

Bob better send a letter today. Why haven’t I heard from him? I hope Kim and Alex send letters too.

Anyway, I fell asleep last night at midnight. I heard Gina was on last night. Guess Magic got sick. I got up at 7:30. Tom’s been up since 4:00 and is at work now.

My video will be available today, I guess.

Chanukah’s at sundown tonight. I wonder if my parents will call.

Today I typed Scott a letter. I figured it was time. Did a bunch of weird stuff with different fonts.

I talked to Andy who lost $90 in Vegas. He had fun, though. I sewed his pant pocket and he’s to be coming over here later.

Later...

No mail for me at all today. Only for Tom.

At 2:15 I have to call my doctor’s office. They haven’t mailed me my second referral yet. Well, if for whatever reason I don’t get to my appointment on the 16th, then I’ll take it that I wasn’t meant to get to it, know I’m OK, and forget it.

I’m soooooo bored right now. I wish Andy could come over now, but I’m sure he’s watching his favorite soaps.

I tried to call Nervous and I was gonna tape it, but there was no answer. He’s probably still working at Feinstein’s Leather. He tells me Crystal’s still living there. Amazing.

Well, the Brady Bunch is coming on now, so that’s what I’ll watch. I’ll write more after.

Later...

Well, it sure is quite overcast out there today.

I’m sitting here watching a talk show now, waiting for Andy’s call.

Earlier I was playing Nintendo and doing dishes. Well, trying to. The sink is still pretty backed up. I tried to drain it by filling up a big metal bowl with water from the sink, then I dumped it outside.

I just ate some Kiwi and I’m watching The Maury Povich Show, then Donoghue comes on at 4:00. This episode deals with those with amnesia and multiple personalities. Don’t know what the topic is on Donoghue cuz it’s not listed.

I really hope Andy doesn’t take forever with coming over. You know how he is - always late.

Christina just called collect, but of course I refused it as Tom’s not home. She’s his jealous friend’s (Geri’s) daughter.

Well, Donoghue’s about legalizing prostitutes. Boring.

Think I’ll call Andy and see if he’s anywhere near coming over. If not, I’ll call Nervous cuz I’m so fucking goddamn bored. I may write later.

Later...

Now I’m really pissed and frustrated! No answer from Andy and none from Nervous, but I just tried paging Fran, so we shall see. I gotta be really bored to go and page Fran. Oh, there are things I could do - I just don’t feel like them, though.

Later...

Well, there is good news after all. I just called my doctor’s office cuz I haven’t gotten my referral yet. It’s been updated till the 29th at the crotch doctor’s office. She said just go ahead and go to the appointment. Like I’m really looking forward to this. Aaaaaaargh!

There’s a movie coming on at 5:00. Should I see it? We’ll see, but first I wanna see some food. I’m hungry!

Later...

Fuck! No! I’m still up to 103 pounds. Shit. I gotta stop eating for a few days. Gotta drink tons of water. I just fried some hash browns and ate that so now I’ll take it easy.

I called Andy and he said he had just gotten done cleaning his bathroom and was tired. He may come over tomorrow night and he says he has clean work pants.

I definitely gotta clean our bathroom. Tom always said he’d do it as I hate to, but I feel bad asking him to. He works hard enough and I’m the one with the time to do stuff like this along with many other things here.

I’m taping a movie that’s on now till 7:00. Then I’ll tape the Billboard Awards that’s on from 7:00-9:00. Lastly, I’ll tape Law & Order. That’s on from 9:00-10:00.

Right now, I’m listening to the one and only famous Rick and Nervous fight. It’s just as funny as the first time I ever heard it.

Tom will be home in about an hour. Wonder if he was able to get the video.

Well, for now, I think I’ll go see if Nervous will answer his goddamn phone.