I had a very interesting and very different idea earlier, but I’m not saying that I’ll do this for sure. The idea was to take each journal and break them down into chapters. Just like in a regular book. Also, at the back of each journal, I’d have a list of what topics are in each chapter. Either something like that or I can take the last few pages and write what I wrote about in general throughout the whole book. There’s a pro and a con to this. The con is that it takes the surprise and wonder out of the reader. The pro is that if I’m searching through a few journals that I believe a certain event’s written about, I’ll get a better idea of where it is this way.

My stomach is bugging me again, so I’m drinking lots of cranberry juice.

Earlier I typed my parents a letter. I also typed and sent Tammy a message. Tom says that soon they will be having a chat mode where people can type back and forth to one another, just like the deaf do with TTYs.

I still wish I could get a hysterectomy. Tom and I know that the bottom line is that I’ll never have a kid, so why should I have to deal with periods till I’m 50-60? It’s not very fair. Well, I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later...

I thought I’d write a little more on the so-called baby discussion Tom and I had the other day. I’m finding that being able to suppress certain desires like Tom can isn’t as easy as I thought. Like he said, why should it be a big deal? Yes, the greater part of me still doesn’t want one, but it’s scary to accept the fact that I’ve been wanting one just a little more than I’d bargained for. Was Tom right when he said the responsibility would be good for me? Was he right when he said he thought I’d be a good mom?

I’ll either talk to him or read this to him, but I’m still confused. Sometimes I feel like he wants one someday and other times I don’t think he ever does.

Now, here’s my biggest fear. What if in the next few years I really start wanting one badly? I didn’t want a relationship till I met Tom. There are several things I never thought I’d want or could or would do. Should I tell Tom that if this should happen to talk me out of it? Remind me how bad it would be for me? For us?

He said the other day that in 5 years he’d be so settled with me, he’d never even think of it. What’s being settled with me have to do with having a kid, and it’s going to take him 5 years?

He also said he intended to be very busy as he is now, but wasn’t it he who said life doesn’t have to end cuz you have a kid?

Like I said, I try to tell myself I’m meant to be a singer, don’t want to be like my mom and all the other shit I’d have to go through, I’m sterile, it’s no big deal. The urges won’t worsen, I’m not going to have one, as for the most part, I do know the future even though I’m only 28.

Later...

Well, I’ll have to ask Tom when he thinks $22.80 will be in the budget. My latest thing is address labels, but after I get the 3 styles I want to get, I’ll stop. $22.80 isn’t bad, though, for 750 very fancy labels and they’ll last for eons. I also have an order coming anytime now with clear ones with musical notes.

See, it does come and go. Right now the thought of having a kid makes me puke. I’ve been up all night, therefore, if I had one, I’d have to get up in a couple of hours and be up all day and night. It’s also great not having to worry about it screaming its head off when me and Tom are doing it. I’d just ignore it, although I’m sure that’d spoil our appetites.

I’ve got another fucking headache, now. So, time to go pop an Ibuprofen.

Later...

Thank God for Ibuprofen. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be writing now. Or listening to music as I just did. Before that, though, I made a hamburger and did the dishes.

Tom will be getting up in half an hour if he isn’t up already. I heard him coughing just a second ago.

I shouldn’t have sent Bob so many stamped envelopes, but I had no idea he’d end up in jail. No one did. I think there are only 4 he never used, so that’s okay. Maybe April or someone will bring them to jail. Tom says that in time, Bob can get and send letters. He’ll have so much time on his hands that maybe he’ll write tons of letters. How he’ll afford stamps and what will become of his SS check, I don’t know.

He also may very well not have too much time on his hands. I think prison is a lot like Valleyhead was. They slave you doing this and that non-stop all day.

I wonder about April and the new 2-bedroom apartment they were supposed to share.

Tom’s up so I’ll continue from where I left off later.

Later...

Tom’s now working on sandwich #2.

I played him the tape of the pig squeaking.

I’m glad I don’t feel too tired. Hopefully, I can hold out longer. Long enough to go out and get some sun and color.

Yesterday I left Andy a message about Bob. He was as pissed as I am.

Well, I know Bob mentioned he was recently approved for Section 8 subsidy. I wonder if this means that if April stays there, she’ll have to pay full rent? I wonder if she could even afford to pay full rent. Most people find it awfully hard to pay for a 2-bedroom apartment at market rent, so I doubt she’ll stay there. That was, after all, their intention. To share the rent and bills.

I wonder who will go through his stuff? And what will they do with it? Where will it go? I can just imagine some character like my mom finding and playing all those tapes I sent. Although, unless Bob tells them, or whoever, what they are, no one will ever know. I used tapes of various artists and I never labeled them. This is cuz I wanted him to be surprised and not know what was on each tape till he played it through.

No shit! Only 43º now? I thought it was to hit between 76º - 78º today. We’ll just have to wait and see.

They just said on the radio that a thing called the Brady Bill is now in effect. This bill requires a 5-day wait for a background check on those buying guns. I thought this law had already existed for years. Guess it varies in different states.

Later...

I’m beginning to feel a bit sleepy now, but I’m sure I’ll soon get a second wind as I did yesterday.

I read Tom parts of this book earlier. He’s soon to be done with his shower and off to work.

I gotta go put my mail out.

Later...

Thank God we don’t live on the corner of the opposite side of the street about 5 houses down. There were 10-15 kids waiting for the school bus. They get dropped off on our corner, but they quickly scurry off to their houses. To be picked up, they stand around a while before the bus arrives and make lots of noise till the bus comes.

Later...

Tom just left for work.

I wonder if his address labels will arrive today. I think I mentioned it. I ordered him some as a surprise.

Now, I think I’ll go take my next journal and # the pages. Of course, I do it from the back of the book to the front of it. This way I always know how many pages I have left, regardless of where I am in the book.

Watch out! I have pages and pages of some pretty wild news. Which one shall I start with? The baby or Bob? No, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that some of the time, although very seldom, I find myself wanting one. Tom got me to see that it’s okay to want something at the same time you don’t want it. I want to be with Tom and I want to be a singer more than anything else. He also got me to see that it’s okay to want something I can’t and won’t have. Yeah, I know this and I’ve walked this road many many times before. It sure does get frustrating, though. I guess I sometimes feel this way cuz my singing hasn’t happened yet and I have a lot of free time on my hands. A good 80% of it I spend well occupied, but the other 20% I get bored and this is when these feelings I don’t like tend to creep up on me. Yes, I know it’s not wrong, but it can be a bitch. When this does happen I try to remind myself of my real purpose and destiny in this life. I look at the reality of if I had a kid. That’s a huge list. I am sterile, but if I weren’t, I just couldn’t take it physically and mentally and while we’re not poor, we’re not rich, either. There are many negatives to look at in each of the 3 groups (physical, mental and financial), so that is what I remind myself of when these feelings come on and then I ask myself if I really want to deal with it and live like that. No!

I was at first afraid to talk to Tom as I didn’t want to scare him or turn him off, but he was glad I talked about it and faced it and he was very understanding. I love him for this.

It’d sure be nice to be like he is with the subject of kids; he can live either with or without a child.

Shortly, I’ll be back with news #2 of the day.

Later...

I got a message from Minnie, Bob’s friend, who said it was a very important message she had for me about Bob and to please call her. I figured he was in the hospital with a minor stroke, a nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt, or a bad flu. Well, I tried to call her back at the Northfield number she left me, but I got no answer. Therefore, I took a shot at calling Kim who I figured wouldn’t be home, but she was. She told me that Minnie called her to get my number. She’s seen parts of my letters and could see how much I love Bob. He’s like a grandfather to me.

So, Kim asked her why she wanted my number and then she started explaining.

Bob’s in jail! We can’t fucking believe it! She’s not sure where he is but thinks he’s in Walpole. Kim’s going to check into things and see what she can find out, but from what she hears, he can’t get or send letters. She and I talked about it and so did me and Tom. Now, I can see him having a house full of all kinds of people. Some of them minors that get ahold of booze. Then, I can see him unable to control them, cuz he doesn’t know how to put his foot down. He’s just very non-aggressive and would rather look the other way, whereas I would speak up about it and try to do something about getting the booze away from the kid. This guy, though, doesn’t want to argue or have to reason with anyone. I can also see him being dumb enough to let a minor or someone with no license drive his car as he can’t see too well. But the rape charge? Give me a break! Tom and I think it is possible, though, that maybe a 15-year-old who could’ve looked 18 and said she was 18 hit on Bob and he went for it. What I can’t see, is him knowingly messing with a minor. It just isn’t his style. While you never do know, I doubt very much he did this. Especially by force. The guy’s just too damn weak. A little kid could fight their way away from him. I’ve known him for years and he’s a lot like Nervous. He may drive you crazy with his mouth and express his feelings towards you, but never force anything on you. I can’t see it any more than I can see Tom robbing a bank, highjacking a plane, or raping anyone.

Kim said the newspaper fucked up on a lot of things. Yeah, I can buy that one. They did the same thing to me. She’s going to be sending me an article anyway, and cuz I’ve known him for years, I’ll know the truth from the bullshit.

She also says that Minnie says he got 10-14 years!

You gotta be kidding! And just when his life was beginning to look up for a change. He got a nice new apartment with that girl April and really wanted to get out here. He should’ve split, but he, Kim, and I thought there’d be no reason for him to have to. We figured it was a simple misunderstanding that would be taken care of and cleared up. Even he said he didn’t want to split cuz that’d make him look guilty and they’d follow his SS checks.

Kim, being an EMT, had a call in Sunderland once. A typical male got fed up with the wife and kids, so what did he do? Killed them and burned them and she had to testify in court. Well, she’s afraid of running into this guy at Walpole. They have some serious offenders there.

Another thing about it is, is that he told me that this girl claimed she never called or wrote to him, but his lawyer has got letters and phone bills as proof. Plus, this girl wrote and called before, during and after this incident from out of state.

I think it’s just another case of our beautiful justice system walking all over a naïve, desperate, defenseless old guy for the boost of their ego and power. Typical courts - get the women, children, disabled, minorities and the elderly, but let the abled white man walk. Put the drug dealer away for life, but let the murderer walk.

Well, she’s going to keep me posted as she finds things out. She said she just mailed me off another letter. Yeah, Book of Letters #7 is certainly going to be slow in the making. I’ll miss his letters. I also feel that I’ll never see him again. I feel as if he died. He probably feels the same and that he’ll die in there. He won’t have to commit suicide, he’ll either be killed or curl up and die of depression or a heart attack. This may be sick to say, but if he has to be there for years, maybe he would be better off dead. I only hope that if he does go, he goes quickly and painlessly. Maybe he really was born cursed. Way more so than I ever was. Makes me wonder what will happen to all his stuff, too. Where will all the tapes and letters I’ve sent him go?

It’s almost too scary to think about how it could’ve been me going away for a while. Neither I nor anyone else ever thought I’d go to jail, but I see now, that that’s where I could’ve easily gone. I am a woman with no connections in that area.

Later...

Late last night I did program 2 on one of my workout videos. I could do the whole thing. There were exercises I’d never seen before but they’re cool.

A few minutes ago I taped my pig squeaking and played it back. He looked thoroughly confused when he heard himself.

Also, I fell asleep around 11:00, and Tom said he could hear them playing ball next door from 1:00 - 6:00. I slept beautifully! Thank fucking God for this fan. If it were just the radio I had on, I’d have been woken up for sure.

Well, I’ve certainly never been so into the Olympics before. You kind of get into it after a scandal breaks out. Anyway, Tonya Harding was supposedly involved in sending a hitman to hit Nancy Kerrigan’s leg. He did, but she recovered. They’re the only two representing the US. I figured it’d be fixed for Tonya to lose and for Nancy to win the gold. Well, Tonya did lose, but Nancy only won the silver. Some 16-year-old world defending champion from Ukraine won the gold, but man was she good!

Well, I do want to write and I am in the mood to, but I have nothing left to say. Not too much has been happening. I’m quite bored now, actually. I’m not in the mood to type any letters, so I think I’ll do some editing finally and once and for all. Oh, gotta do the dishes first. Well, I don’t gotta do them, but I’d like very much to do them.

Wednesday morning sure was pretty strange for me. I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 7 AM. I awoke at 10:30 and puked for the first time since the night I got here. Luckily I only puked once. Why, who knows? Tom thinks the turkey I ate was bad. I've been fine ever since, so at least I have no flues or colds of any kind.

I did part of the workout video. I do enjoy and feel better working out, but must it be so painful?! Another classic example of “no pain, no gain.”

Now I’ll go watch The Guardian video.

I watched the movie I taped and typed a letter to Kim. Soon, I’m going to type one for Bob and then maybe cut some more split ends off. I take a few strands and snip any split ends with scissors. Man, do I have lots of them!

Later...

Just wanted to update quickly on some not-so-cool news, before I hit the sack. Well, remember I said Andy was to transfer to 2nd shift? Forget about that. They just hired tons of people for that shift. We’re both bummed.

I worked out and I can already see the results. It feels so good. I also typed Bob a letter.

Later...

Got up today at 3:30. Yes, I was very lazy. Got a letter from Bob. I typed letters to him, Kim, Fran and my parents.

I’m ordering yet another kind of address label that was only $4. They’re clear with musical notes.

Also, got a 35¢ fudge bar today when the ice cream truck came. It was pretty cool to be able to walk right out my front door and get it.

Well, that’s all for now.

I just finished watching the movie I taped and it was OK.

Earlier I retyped a note of understanding in Journal #4’s front cover. It’s an explanation of the copying of those old little journals, journal charts, etc. As for highlighting – all is fine with that for now. I think one of these days real soon, I’ll type up a long journal chart and put it up on the wall by the bookcase my journals sit on. All but 3 of them fit on the 2 shelves I use. On the very top shelf that has no sides sits my alarm clock/radio, my 2 cups of pens, markers, pencils, and a bottle of musk perfume. Sometime soon, I’ll also make up several other neat charts. Like how many days each one goes from, how many entry dates are in each one, and whatever else I can come up with. For now, though, I am going to listen to music and just close my eyes and relax, till I once again return to write.

Later...

Just got done listening to music, eating, and trimming my bangs. Did a good job, too. I just didn’t have the patience to wait till I go back to that guy Richard or to whomever. Tom was even going to give it a try, but I got so fed up with my hair in my eyes. As for the rest of it, my split ends are a nightmare. I really need to trim a good 4-6 inches, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with it yet.

Hopefully sometime this week Andy will get the address labels I got him for his b-day. Tom’s too.

Speaking of Tom, he just got up to go to the bathroom.

Later...

Tom just went right back to bed. That’s where I’ll be going myself, real soon.

I smoked one less ciggie today, and I’m going to try and minus another one tomorrow.

Boy, the cat on the next page sure does look a bit like Sasha. She had longer fur, though. I wonder if Nerv still has her? There were cats almost like Shadow in here, too. I’ll always wonder what became of Shadow and hope he’s safe and happy, but to tell you the shocking truth, I don’t really miss him anymore. He was just too obnoxious. If I had to have a cat, I’d take the beast before I ever took Shadow back. He was the perfect cat who behaved so well. I love having the pig in a cage he can’t get out of, cuz I don’t have to worry about him getting into my shit and clawing at my bedroom door while I’m asleep. Tom and I still have to cut his nails.

Later...

Last night I could not fall asleep till close to 6:00 in the morning. I awoke at 11:30 to take my meds. Then at 1:30 I finally got up and stayed up. Tom’s been up since 8:00.

I forgot that there’s no mail today. It’s President’s Day.

Tom’s calling his sister right now. He may have to go over later. He said something about leaving a disk over there.

Now, I’m going to go outside to enjoy the remainder of the sun.

Later...

Well, forget about going outside. It’s still nice, but it’s kind of cool and chilly.

I think I’ll soon check out the TV guide and see what’s going to be on.

I just had some tater tots that Tom fried up.

Andy bought a CD player today and any time he’ll be coming over to get his Fleetwood Mac CD. I’m going to go listen to music now, cuz Tom can hear the door if Andy comes.

Later...

I listened to some music earlier and soon I will go listen more.

Andy came and got his CD and showed me his new CD player. It also has dual cassette with high-speed dubbing. Now he can dub his own tapes and play CDs for only $80. When I want to high-speed dub something, I use Tom’s stereo, cuz I can’t edit with a high-speed dubbing system.

Tom and I had some fun. He’s doing his laundry now, then he’ll probably crash. He has to work the next 4 days.

I’m taping a movie now, then I intend to do my workout video. I’ll also type letters, too.

Later...

Oops! Time to print a retraction. Tom just read my last two entries and according to him, he doesn’t have to work Friday. He’s now playing a blackjack game on the computer.

Andy was over for a couple of hours. We had a lot of fun. I taped some tapes for him. Dubbed them, I mean. We played cards and listened to some tapes. We listened to a convo between Fran, him, and me talking to the crisis center, among other things.

Tom worked on assembling his sister’s new computer all night. Before Andy came over, though, we had some fun.

I taped 6 hours of TV, so, I’m going to go watch some.

Later...

I’m watching a really good prison flick right now. Tom likes them too, as I and Andy do. So far, there have been no really hot women in this one. As typical as the TV guide does, it was wrong by saying earlier there was a women’s prison flick on a different channel. I’ve also got other stuff taped. Two episodes of Cops, two Tales of the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted.

Later...

Commercial time again.

Still no call about Bob’s nude picture I had Kim send Fran. He must not suspect me at all. He never mentioned or asked me about it.

What?! Lindsay Wagner isn’t in this movie. That’s what they said, though.

Well, this movie oughta be over soon. It’s quite good, too. After, I’ll probably listen to music, then try to go to bed. Commercial’s over.

Later...

Got up at 11 AM today. I must’ve been having a hell of a dream, cuz I thought there’d been a huge crash, but Tom heard nothing. Also, I did have my fan on. I never could fall asleep last night till between 4:00 - 4:30.

Tom took off for his sister’s at noon.

I called my parents. I briefly spoke to Ma who has a cold still, but I had a longer, very nice chat with Dad. Larry, Andy and their two kids Larry and Jennifer are there. When I hung up with Dad, I called Tammy. She didn’t know they were there and she sounded quite shocked. Maybe angry, too. Almost as if to say, “Hey! That’s not fair!”

She sent me yet another message today, which was cool and I copied it in #57.

When Tom came home, we did laundry, made hamburgers, had fun and watched that prison movie I taped last night. He did a little computer work and went to bed at 7:30.

Before I began writing this entry, I typed a letter to my parents. I’ll be having a few letters to mail out tomorrow. Hope I get a letter tomorrow, too. Bob’s got 5 stamped envelopes to start putting to use.

I’m taping a movie right now. Right now I’m also going to have a cigarette.

Later...

I suppose there’s more “journal work” I could do later. I don’t believe I highlighted all the entries. Those that had pretty much the same color ink written all the way through them. Part of me wishes I could recopy some with pages missing that were old phone numbers, drawings, etc. Like 10 & 11 for example. I also regret “over-gluing” certain books, like with numbers 45 and 49. So many pages of them now are so crinkly and the book’s too full. They won’t even shut all the way.

I just set the VCR to record Linda and Gloria, just in case I do end up falling asleep.

Yet another Thursday and Friday night have passed and what luck I’ve been having with the people across the street. That van disappeared and the music stopped all at once. I only hope my luck doesn’t run out.

I wonder if my brother will ever show up again. Part of me says yes and part of me says no but it’s up to him. My parents have mentioned possibly coming here in the summer, but summer to me could be from late May to early September. Especially out here. I assume they either mean June, July or August. I’ll have to see. If my brother, parents, sister or whoever comes, I hope Tom can handle it. I think he’s past his problem with out-of-state company now. Plus, we had a long discussion and I told him that although it’ll be very seldom that I do get out of state company, I’m not going to go through problems with him every time someone comes out. The next time will tell, but I think he’s learned to deal with it.

You know, I have read all these brief little notes and reminders I’ve written and so far not one of them makes one bit of sense to me.

Well, I gotta go lay down. I’m very tired, but I don’t know if I can sleep yet. If not, I’ll write more later.

Later...

I just did part of a 20-minute workout video and later I’ll do the other half.

Tom went to a computer store with his sister Mary who’s got a computer that Tom’s now putting together.

Tom said she really liked my big cactus on the living room wall in front of the door.

I was lying in bed, being very lazy till almost two hours ago.

An hour ago I showed Tom the tape of Linda and Gloria. They were the first two on. They each spoke for two seconds and sang one song.

Here’s my review: Linda has never looked so horrible in all her life. She’s gained a ton of weight and her hair is pitiful. It’s cut up above her ear. She brilliantly sang Por Un Amor, but as usual, she stood still. Never moved around. I think Linda’s a way better singer, but Gloria’s a better performer. Gloria moves around with lots of spunk and energy.

Linda’s got two albums out I have to get. One’s in Spanish and the other is in English.

Gloria sang Coming Out of the Dark and she looked hot. It was before she cut her hair and it was darker like her natural color. Not that reddish color she seems to have a lot.

After this, I took a bath, brushed my teeth, put lotion all over me, worked out, and now who knows what I’ll do next? I think I may listen to music and sing. I forgot to check for messages, so I will now.

When Tom came home we talked for an hour or so and ate some ice cream. Then, he went to bed.

We had a very short wind/rainstorm, so, Tom said he’ll put my mail out tomorrow on his way to work. I have letters to my parents, Fran, Bob and Kim. Also, two NPNs. One has a lost cat ad in it, but I totally forgot what I put in the other one.

My period is just beginning to taper off, but like I said, by the end of this month I’ll be PMSing for my next one which isn’t due till the 13th. Boy, do I want a hysterectomy! If it were painless with petty side effects, I’d love one.

I tried calling Nervous and he gave me the same old, “I’m busy” shit as the last time. This guy is a day person, yet he’s busy at 1:00 in the morning? That was his time, too. You know, each month I feel less and less into talking to the guy and writing him, which I seldom do much of either these days. I have enough of him on tape and to be frank, it’s just not like it used to be. Back in Springfield (especially Oswego St.), it was different. While he’ll always be a desperado, he’s over the hardcore obsession with me and I’m long-distance now. That’s why it’s not the same for me. There’s no fun in playing with him anymore, cuz you can’t get the old reactions from him that were funny and entertaining. It’s not the same for him either cuz I’m 3,000 miles away and he no longer lives alone. I can’t see this girl there for more than a handful of months, but I’m still 3,000 miles away. The only way it would be like the old times would be if I still lived there, didn’t know Andy, and he was alone and perhaps jobless like he was when we first met. I wish that he was somehow forced to live out here. Then, you bet your ass I’d be having lots of fun with him when I wasn’t spending the quality time I love to spend with Tom. In the future, I won’t waste money calling him, but if I were on the line and Fran called - fine.

Later...

I just copied in a message from Tammy. Typed a combination strange/fuck-you letter to Nervous. Hey, I got bored. I also did one of my workout videos and watched some TV.

Tom will be home soon and he has the weekend off.

Later, I’ll probably do some editing. I have about 6 more tapes, then there’ll be nothing more to edit. Not from Nervous anyway.

A Current Affair is about to be going on, so I think I’ll go watch it and I’ll write later.

Later...

I’m in one of those very lazy moods. There are things I could be doing, but I don’t feel like doing any of these things. At least not right now. I need to eat, then I’ll have more energy.

Tom’s not here yet, as I did ask if he could pick up some cigarettes. I kind of want to go out to dinner tonight, but it’s Friday night. All the restaurants will be zoos. With 10 million screaming kids.

Later I may read back through some of my earlier journals, like 1988 and 1989.

What I really want to do is to go swimming and get laid, but I’m sure Tom will be too tired. The poor guy has to get up at 6 AM. I doubt he’d even want to go out to dinner.

Here he is now.

Later...

I was just holding the pig, and man oh man is that thing ever all lovey-dovey and desperate for attention tonight! Every time I put him back in his cage and walk away he squeaks like hell.

When Tom got home he took me to get a take-out order from KFC, and he crashed when we came back.

I watched some of the Winter Olympic games that are going on now in Lillehammer, Norway. The only things I like are ice skating and gymnastics, but gymnastics is in the Summer Olympics.

I can’t wait to see Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan and how the crowd reacts toward them. They’re in the middle of this huge scandal now. Those two are the only ones representing the US and supposedly Tonya’s involved in setting up and masterminding an attack on Nancy’s knee to try to disable her from the Olympics.

At 1:30 there’ll be a half-hour show with guess who? Both Gloria and Linda. What luck, huh?

Well, Tom came running home, grabbed me and hugged the holy hell out of me. He said he was worried all day about “this old man” being sick so long and therefore he feared losing me.

Never. It’s not his fault he had a cold and I’ve been much sicker for much longer. If anyone understands what he’s going through, it’s me.

We had a nice talk about several different things.

After he went to bed, Andy called and gave me two pieces of great news. He went to that guy’s house and was impressed with his studio. He’s going to start with 3 songs, all for only $100 apiece. That sure beats $400 - $500 a song. This surely is promising.

In a few weeks, he’s going to switch to 2nd shift at Denny’s. He misses the nightlife and us being able to be together more. I’ve been dying for him to be a night person.

Later...

Just finished typing my parents a 2-page letter. Also, played with my pig.

Later yesterday afternoon, my period hit full force. With my luck, though, I’ll have PMS for the next period by the end of this month.

Later...

Boy, do I feel shitty now! I’ve got that out-of-breath feeling and I’m so tight. My chest feels as if it’s got a ton of bricks on top of it.

I laid out for a bit today. Like yesterday, the sun was going in and out. It was very warm, though, that was for sure. I typed some letters, sang, watched TV, and did some word-find puzzles.

My stomach’s been bugging me too, and I’m so hot. I just turned my portable heater off.

Remember I said I made a half-shirt? Well, I put black lace straps on it and now it looks really nice and doesn’t keep slipping down on me.

I think I’ll just lie down till 6:00. At 6:00 there are going to be shows on that I’m going to tape.

I watched a movie I taped on Cinemax, typed a letter to Fran and shortly I’ll be off to bed.

I really like my next two journals, but I sure hope I can find more like this one. Numbers 50, 55, and 59 have some of the ugliest covers. It’s the big colorful pages with fat lines that I love. I’m more and more into hardcovers these days. They pull out off the shelves easier, whereas two cloth ones side by side stick and you pull out more than one at a time. Also, if I were to drop a drop of coffee or something on a cloth cover, it’d be harder to wipe off.

On and off all night I’ve felt as if my period began, but no sign of it. I’ll probably wake up with it tomorrow. That’s how it usually works.

Well, one more smoke, then bedtime.

Later...

Well, I am outside now and it is a beautiful day. I mean beautiful! They say it’s 80º today. It’s perfect with a slight breeze and fairly cloudy too. This way the sun’s not blinding me and these pages aren’t glaring.

I’m still not sure if I have my period, but I feel like I do. Once again, I’m spotting. Today’s spot, though, was a little bigger than yesterday’s spot and the spot the day before yesterday’s. It was about the size of two quarters.

Later...

I didn’t lay out for as long as I should’ve. It’s just that it’s sooo boring!

I kind of got my period. It’s a case of way more cramps for the period or the period that doesn’t fit the cramps. It’s a very half-assed one, but I hope next month is different. I had to take 2 Ibuprofen instead of 1 and I began bloating and pre-cramping a whole fucking 2 weeks ago. Tammy says this happens to her, too, sometimes, but she never skips.

At least I know, as it’s only logical, that I’m sterile. Aside from my gut feeling and woman’s intuition, the research makes it logical. Tom read how DES girls have extra tissue that looks like lacerations, inflamed services, and painful intercourse. I have all that, therefore, it’s only logical that I also have a sure case of sterility. How do I feel about this? Sometimes sad, but grateful for the most part, as I could never handle a kid. I can’t be a constant, everyday day person, be woken up a million times, deal with the pain and damage it would do to my body, give up my peace and freedom, and I certainly have no patience or tolerance and would only be another Dureen. Tom says he doesn’t believe it’d be a financial struggle or come between us. I strongly disagree.

Speaking of good old Dureen, well, she has another bad cold. Oh well, at least Dad’s okay.

Tom will be home any minute. Another thing I have mixed emotions about. We both mutually love each other very much and want to always be together, but I sometimes wonder if he knows just how much I really really do love him. It’s not that I feel I’m not good enough for him, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing and have him feel hurt or disappointed. Or find out today that I said something two months ago that hurt him, but I didn’t think it did.

Today I got up at 10:30. I spoke to Andy as it’s his 32nd birthday today.

Most recording studios charge between $40 - $60 bucks an hour, but Andy’s going to go check out this guy who works out of his house and charges $12 an hour. He only charges $12 cuz he wants to buy lots of expensive equipment and he figures he’ll get more business this way. Could be promising. I called Tammy and told her about it.

Tom got home an hour or so after I got up and we went grocery shopping. When we came home we fired up the spa and went in. It was a little cool but nice. I missed it. It was a beautiful day today.

I also received a Valentine’s card from Mom and Dad. She signed it and said: Hi to Tom, too! She had the I love you stamps in sign language on the envelope.

Later...

My period’s up to new and different tricks every month. For a long time now, I’m always either right on schedule or a day or two early. I was due today, yet all I had was one tiny spot. The thing that’s even weirder is that for the last two weeks, I’ve been feeling as if I were to get it any second. I was bloated and pre-cramping, but now I’m skinnier than I have been in weeks. Tom noticed this, too. The last week especially, I’m sitting there and all of a sudden I feel I’ve got it, but I don’t. Well, when Tom told me women commonly skip periods, and I also read this, I said, “Hey! That’s not fair. What about me?” So, I prayed and begged God to let me skip one. It either worked, or I’m just going to be late.

I skipped for nearly 3 years, but that was due to the Navane and look how fat it had gotten me. My periods have been pretty consistent since 1985.

Tom went to bed a couple of hours ago. He still feels sort of lousy with a horrible cough.

I spoke to Andy and Fran. Andy and I also tried to call Nervous. He amazingly answered but claimed to be soooo busy. I asked if he was getting laid. No, he said, so who knows what the hell he’s up to. Maybe he had to bring Crystal down from a trip or bail her out of jail.

Oh! I forgot to mention what Bob enclosed in one of his letters. The flowers on the left upper and right lower corners of the outside front cover of this book. I love them. You rub them on with a stick. I hope he sends more. They look so much like a part of this book and I’d like to put them on other journal covers.

Later...

I’m going to do something I should’ve done at the very beginning of this book. The previous book (#57) is Book of Letters #7. Well, I wrote up one page, before I knew it was to be Book of Letters #7. Luckily it is only one page. On February 4th, Friday at 3:30 PM, I wrote: I just finished the last 16 pages or so in my previous journal drawing flower outlines. Eventually, I’ll go back and colorize them.

Also copied from #57 - 5:31 PM, I wrote: I am recording a movie right now and waiting as patiently as I can for Tom to get home. I want to have some fun! I have a very sexy negligee on now. Not that it’s what I need to get fun, but I like to wear stuff like this every now and then. I sewed 4 negligees. Mainly on the straps. I’ve got 3 old tank tops. Tomorrow I think I’ll cut and hem those into half-shirts. I sure do have lots of nice clothes. I should wear them more often, even if I’m not going anywhere.

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

A couple of days ago I got two letters from Bob, one from Kim with a letter enclosed she got from Bob and a postcard from Alex who moved to Illinois.

Last Saturday Tom and I went to the swap mart. It was OK, but I only got some perfumed lotion.

Yesterday started off to be a good day, but it quickly got shitty. Tom and I went to Fiesta Mall in Mesa. I got two journals and now I have a grand total of 60. After the mall, we got pretty pissed at each other, argued all day, and said mean things to each other. When we got home, we talked it out and looked at it as a learning experience, rather than a setback. We each talked about the stuff we need to work on. I’m sometimes too defensive and I interrupt a lot, and he denies things we both said or isn’t clear enough when he expresses his thoughts. We’re so much alike and so much different at the same time, but I think we’re more different than alike.

We typed each other Valentine’s letters after. How sweet, huh?

We worked this dispute out a lot faster than the one about Larry and way faster than the one with Kim. The thing that’s different for the better about us is that we seldom get mad at each other. Also, when we do get mad we stick together and stick it out. We don’t want to leave or call it quits.

Also on last Saturday, well, it was one of those fun kinds of frustrating days. We went to a fabric store and got two 14” pillow cushions and two really pretty fabric patterns. I had no problem sewing them, and I made a nice halter top too. When I tried to make a skirt and a dress, well, that was a whole different nightmare. The dress would’ve fit a 3-year-old.

Remember my songs My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away? Well, Tom wants me to record them so he can do arrangements on them. I took out my guitar to do a practice run through them and I couldn’t sing them. I asked myself why it was so hard when I didn’t have an eighth of the voice back then that I have today. Then it hit me and I was like - duh! I was a soprano then and now I’m a contralto. We transposed My Time Has Come down by my putting the capo on the 6th fret.

I did some singing today while Tom was at work, laid out, and watched TV. I also typed 6 letters to Mom and Dad, Kim, Bob, Alex, Fran and Nervous. Gotta go now, but I’ll write more about other shit later!

I couldn’t fall asleep till 11:00 last night. Maybe closer to midnight, but I set my alarm for 8:00 and amazingly I got up. I was really tired at first. Tom’s been up since 1:00. I taught him the alphabet and chapter 1 in the book The Joy of Signing. It was fun and he learns so fast.

Hopefully, in a couple of hours, it’ll be warm enough to get some color back. For the next week or so, it’ll only be in the mid-60s. Real soon, though, it’ll be warming up drastically.

Noon

Today I’m sending a roll of film out for $4. It’ll be here within a week.

I also went out and swept and raked leaves for something to do.

Tom’s much better today. No fever, just a cough.

Either tomorrow or the next day, we’re going to rearrange the living room. The pig’s going to be moved in there.

I just saw that punk across the street walk home with two other guys. I hope to God they don’t blast off. They’ve miraculously been quiet for about two months. This has taken a lot of stress off of me, but it’ll all come right back if they start their shit again. The fan’s a lifesaver, too.

In an hour or so, it should be plenty warm enough for me to throw on a suit and get some color.

I hope and pray I get lucky enough to skip my period. I read and even Tom had heard it’s fairly common for women to skip periods here and there.

Oh yeah? What about me? When will I get to be that lucky?

He’s working on his computer program now.

I need to go brush my teeth, then I’m going to head outside.

Well, this is certainly weird and different for me. I am at Tom’s doctor’s office. It sure is strange not being the one who has to be seen, but nice for a change.

I was just looking through a child magazine. Some of it actually seemed interesting. In a way, it’d be nice if Tom and I could be married now in order to be on the same insurance, have a kid, enjoy it, then get rich and famous when the kid’s 3-5. I’d also like to try the smoking classes, despite my doubts.

In reality, though, I’m just going to hang loose till and if I ever do become a singer. If I don’t, I’ll just work on computers.

A 6’ 4” butchy lady with a little boy just sat down. What an odd sight, but I’ve known some butches who were wonderful with kids.

I hope Tom’s going to be alright. I hate to see him miserable. He can’t work, eat, or have sex. I asked if he wanted me to go in with him, but he’s much braver than me. They called him in right away, but it’ll probably be a long time before he gets out.

Boy, everyone here looks different than I do.

Later...

Boy, was I ever wrong about waiting a long time. Just as I finished he came out of the office. He has a cold, but they didn’t give him anything. In a day or two, they’ll know if he has strep throat. I hope not.

I aired the place out when we got home and he went to bed.

I typed several letters today to Bob, Fran, Andy, Nervous and Kim. It’s been a while since I wrote Nervous. Tammy sent a message on Prodigy today. I printed it out, copied it into #57 and sent it to Nervous, along with Fran’s new number. I typed Andy a 2-page birthday letter using many different fonts. Tom also tried making him a 2-page banner for me saying: Happy Birthday, you Femmy, from the Bitch. It didn’t exactly come out perfect, but I’m sending it anyway. On it, there are 4 pictures I drew of Gloria that were scanned into the computer month ago. Lastly, I’m sending 2 pages of my different flower drawings. He’s getting 6 pages total, but I used 2 envelopes. One’s got the flowers and the banner, while the other has the letter.

I’m hungry now, so, I shall go make a TV dinner or something.

Later...

Boy, I’ve been eating like a little pig lately! Oh well, I’m already bloated and going to get my period real soon.

I’m taping a movie now which will be over at 7:00. Then, there are my usual Wednesday night shows - Unsolved Mysteries, Now and Law & Order.

In other news, I shaved my pussy as best as I could. It’s not an easy item to shave. Especially the lips around the clit. Right after I shaved, though, I threw on tons of hydrocortisone cream so my butt doesn’t end up on fire like the last time. That didn’t tickle.

I hope Tom’s sleeping well. I heard him cough, but I hope he sleeps it off. So far, it doesn’t look as if I’ll catch what he’s got, thank God. This is my first time being around a sick person without catching what they have. I’ve been free of colds and flues for about a year. If I were still dancing, though, I’d have probably caught something from someone. I’m not around lots of apartment people anymore, either.

Tom said to write good things about him. I said I always do. The poor guy’s really sick right now with a cold. Me? I’m PMSing. I’m big-time bloated, my tits hurt and I’m so warm. At least I finally got unstuck today and yesterday.

Andy came over and I saw his new car and showed him my artwork. He wants me to do a huge cactus in his place. Some plants, too. I took his picture and he took one of me alone and one of me and Tom together. I finished the whole roll, so soon I’ll be mailing it out.

I spoke to Dad last night twice. He’s feeling better. Fran called, too.

There was a huge hailstorm here today, and Tammy said they were in the middle of a huge storm.

Got a postcard from Kim. Soon I’ll type up more letters. Just been lazy I guess.

Later...

Tom has a fever, and if he still does tomorrow when he wakes up, he’s going to call his doctor.

Tomorrow I plan on typing more letters and I may do some editing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t lay out in the sun as it rained and hailed all day.

Grrr, I hate being stuck. Darn stomach.

There was no answer when I called Ma. I left a message. I talked to Tammy, though. She got the pictures.

Yesterday I had a first-time yet great sexual experience. Tom managed again to get inside me. While inside me, he stimulated my clit with his fingers and I came. I’ve never been able to cum before with anything inside me. Not even fingers.

Today, poor Tom’s stuck in bed with a cold and I’ve been drinking prune juice. Still no joy yet. (sighs with frustration)

Guess I’ll go type some letters now.

Got an awesome paper journal! Love it! It’s the nicest of all. A little more expensive at $13, but well worth it. I love the cat drawings which will give me more ideas for wall drawings, or whatever. I also love this paper. It’s slicker and much easier to write on. There was a postcard in here to send away for catalogs. I’ll mail it out today.

Tom and I got up today around 7 AM.

Ma called to say Dad’s surgery went fine and in a few days he’ll be home. She brought him the flowers I drew and the pictures I sent. I also told her to give him a lollipop when he wakes up and gets out of the recovery room, just as he’d do for me when I had ear surgery.

Boy, do I love this journal! I also love how the pages are numbered, so I don’t have to do that myself.

Tom and I went out to finally get him a nice pair of black Velcro sneakers.

Then, after I got this book we went to Denny’s. It was shitty. The food was cold, it took forever, and the place was infested with rowdy kids.

When we got home I laid out in the sun.

Soon, Tom and I are going to have some fun.

I may have an early period. I am bloated big time.

Oh, almost forgot, we also looked in two thrift stores. I got a satin bodysuit for only $2.

Later...

Well, I guess Tom and I aren’t having any fun. He’s very very tired.

There’s not much else going on right now, so I guess I’ll just go kick back and relax. Till later!

Later...

Tom’s gone to bed and soon I’ll be doing the same. In the meantime, we did another survey with the same questions I wrote out and we did in #55. We’ll do it again around April 1st. Here are the questions:

Will the business work out?
J-100 T-75

Will we be married?
J-100 T-99

Divorced?
J-0 T-1

Live on some land?
J-85 T-50

Will the people across the street play 1-3 times a week?
J-85 T-25

Will I be a singer?
J-40 T-95

Dancer?
J-30 T-50

Model?
J-25 T-50

Have a kid?
J-0 T-25

Will you lose weight?
J-100 T-40

Will I?
J-50 T-60

Ever make a demo?
J-40 T-95

Quit smoking?
J-0 T-95

Will you get all the stuff you want?
J-100 T-1

Andy left a message a very short while ago asking if I wanted him to come over tonight. By the time he was to get here, I’d be way too tired and out of it. Still, I can’t wait till I do see him. I have so much to show him. My wall art, journals, etc.

Later...

I just talked to Andy. He will be over within the next few days.

I’m now taping shows from now to 11:00. Cops, Tales from the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted. I still have a movie I taped to see with Valerie Bertinelli in it. I’ll save it for days when Tom works.

Tomorrow morning, he and I are going grocery shopping.

I keep telling myself to hurry up and hit the sack, but I’m not going to sleep for 12 hours. I don’t want to sleep past 7 AM. There’s no hurry.