I’ve been so preoccupied with other things that I haven’t written much lately. Goldie called last night from Sun City. Al’s sister’s husband died, so that’s why they’re there. They’re returning to Vegas today or tomorrow, then they’ll be back in Sun City on February 25th. She wants to get together with us on the 26th or 27th. Tom and I are looking forward to that, and then on March 1st, they’ll return to MA.

I cleaned the bathroom today, then I also ended up straightening up the patio. It looks very nice.

As of now, Tom’s put in 3 phone/cable jacks. In the living room and our rooms.

I’ve come to believe that Tom doesn’t want to move into my room all that bad. As much as I’d like for him to be here, I’m still not overly anxious about it due to hating “roommates.” Everyone needs their private space and I hate bed-sharing.

He’s home now, so bye for now.

Later…

I showed Tom all I did today which he was happy with and now he’s eating.

The sex is still good and more frequent, even though he doesn’t cum. I still have two theories about that. There’s something physically wrong with him, or he’s holding back. I believe more so that he’s holding back, waiting till he’s 100% ready to make a kid (if all’s OK with me). He says, “But I’m going to,” so if he’s not fooling himself and in denial of something that may be wrong with him, then I’d say he has a plan for February to sometime in April maybe to start.

I made a drink called Bride’s Pink Punch that I got out of the cookbook. It’s pretty good. It consists of Jell-O, pineapple juice, Kool-Aid, and 7-up.

I accidentally began to record over a part of that Terry Jacks song, so I called to request it today to no avail. After two hours of not hearing it, I gave up. That’s how it is, though, when you request a song from any station. It’s 50/50.

Yesterday I did a tremendous amount of story writing. Five pages in a small font. Small print, I mean. On and off I’ll be copying that into book 88. The story begins on a few clumps of pages in 83 & 83, then goes through all of 87. After 88, I may use 89. That’s also one Marge gave me, along with 88 that I was doing sketches in.

Not much else is happening, so I’ll see ya.

We’ve been quite busy and productive lately. Yesterday Tom put a phone jack in the living room and today he put one in my room.

I left Andy a message about my ear and I spoke to my mom yesterday and Tammy today. Tammy’s gonna email a few recipes. Stuff she says you’d think you slaved over all day, but that really takes only 15 minutes or so to make.

I got a surprise on Prodigy today. A message from Alex which I printed out and put in my binder with my other letters.

Last night I woke up at 2:15. I was still sort of tired, so I fell back asleep from about 5:30-7:30 this morning. I had the most explicit wet dream involving Tom ever. He was about to go down on me, then began looking around the house for sex toys. He said that in two weeks he was “secretly” gonna pick a date for us to screw to make a baby. It was rather strange.

We screwed today in real life, though. That position I mentioned before that we do in bed. I came sooo hard. My period had ended yesterday, but due to my cumming so hard I bled for a few hours today and even had a little cramping. That happens, though, and he certainly didn’t tear or rupture anything and I felt no pain or discomfort at all.

In an hour we're going food shopping, so I thought I'd update now. Yesterday's appointment was good and not so good. The graft inside is pretty much healed, but my ear canal is collapsing. This is a common thing which is called osteotoma or something like that. I have to insert a small funnel-like thing in it every day to keep it open.

I haven’t written in a couple of days due to being busy working on 87. I finished it yesterday and today I may begin 88.

Not much to tell right now. Today at 4:30 I have to see Dr. Nielsen.

On the night of the 24th, I woke up with my period in full force. I feel so much better. My sore tits and mood are better. This period brought two new things, but I can’t complain. Instead of spotting a day or two in advance like usual, it just came full force all at once. I also only needed two Ibuprofens, not 2000. Usually, it’s fairly heavy for 4-6 hours, but I’m still flowing heavy. The good thing about it is, though, that I have no cramps and this gives my period a chance to “catch up.” Remember, the last period was a week late and only lasted two days.

I just talked to Andy, his straight friend Karson (female), and his gay friend Robert. He’s never met these people, but he’s been phone pals with them for a year.

He says to try 100.7 as this station’s supposed to play music from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

Yesterday Tom and I went to Target. He got two pairs of pants and I got two word-find books and a puzzle. This puzzle has 1000 pieces. It’s of an old house set back in a wooded area with tulips and other kinds of flowers around it.

Well, there’s really not much else to tell now, other than something that Tom said that made me very happy. He said, “I probably want a kid more than you do. I just don’t bring it up too much so as not to pressure you.”

I told him he can bring it up all he wants, as this helps me to want to conquer my fears even more. I don’t want to keep running away from things that seem overwhelming and taking the easy way out, and he’s got lots of faith and confidence in me.

I also picked up birthday cards for Sandy and Jennifer.

Last night Andy called me with a girl named Cindy. At one point I began singing a few lines and he said, “Wow. Your voice seems different since the operation. It’s more stereoized.”

Well, when I first was able to wear headphones after the surgery, Tom said I sang with them on like someone hearing from both ears. Before, he said I sang like I heard from one ear. I don’t know what they mean and I don’t feel a difference when I sing, but this is just what they told me.

I was just watching TV and I polished my nails.

The other day Tom and I went through the cookbook Ma sent and we got some stuff to make a couple of things. There’s this one mint chocolate shake kind of drink, though, but we have no cocoa malt. I used hot chocolate mix along with the milk and peppermint extract, but it’s kind of weird tasting. We’ll see how it tastes after I throw some vanilla ice cream in it.

Earlier, Tom and I fucked in that awesome position in bed again. Neither of us came, but it sure felt good.

At 5 PM yesterday, we went over to his parent’s house. I met Steve, his wife Carol, and her son Matthew from a previous marriage. The first thing Carol said was, “She’s gorgeous! Steven, look at her.”

Sure still is weird coming from another woman.

Anyway, they’re all very nice, and Matthew, who’s 12, showed me some of his cartoon drawings which were very good. He wants to be a cartoonist.

They live about an hour and a half away from Marla, who lives in Hayward, CA.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about this really funny and bizarre thing I saw on HBO called Taxicab Confessions.

Later...

What that show was all about was New York City cab drivers who knew they were being filmed, but their customers didn’t. There was a gay guy bragging about all his boyfriends. A transvestite and a hooker (naturally, the hooker had kids). Just about all these people used every word in the book from motherfucker to cunt. A cop, who I doubt really was a cop, that was describing the full bloody details of all the dead bodies he’s seen. A guy who beat up some guy for stealing from a dead man’s family. Five fairly hot-looking girls in their 20s. An old guy playing a fiddle and two foreign college guys discussing American women. A girl with a pierced nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow and clit.

Now here’s the most interesting one of all: I wasn’t surprised how she only was out for sex or that she seemed really ditzy, flaky, air-headed and probably on drugs. However, this very feminine lesbian who did only women (she wasn’t bi) really made me wonder. Where the hell was she and the supposedly many others like her before I met Tom?

The cab driver was definitely a butch. She claimed to be married, though. Yeah, she looked like a wife or a mother, but more so a butch. She thought the woman was hot (she was) and would’ve gone home with her if she wasn’t working. I’ll bet if I was in that cab driving this girl, she’d never have hit on me like she was hitting on that driver. However, that’s the scoop on it. Fems don’t go for other fems. They go for butches.

I finished that book last night and it was good. I may check out the library one of these days.

What shall we discuss now? Well, I still have my #1 dream that I was practically born with. I want to get on with doing whatever I can possibly do with singing.

And if Tom never cums and I should get pregnant? Then I guess I’d have to say that was very meant to be after all. The same “kid signs” have been there more so in the last several years as with the “male signs.” You know how I always said it was quite obvious and that I knew I wasn’t meant to be with a woman due to getting all the wrong ones and the endless offers from guys? Well, I was right, as we all know. The same signs are there saying to have a kid and while there’s much less of them to deal with here, I still do deal with them occasionally, unlike before 1992. I wonder why I’m not pregnant yet then? Maybe it really would kill me physically and mentally, God knows that and is protecting and sparing me. Isn’t it me who always did and still does fear that?

Gotta go take my meds now. Also, I’ll probably finish the book. I may write more later if sleep’s not a blessing.

Later…

Sleep was definitely not in my cards last night and I was really pissed off. At 4:30 or so I sat up all sweaty, went crashing into the bathroom, and threw cold water all over me. Tom heard me and came out and was talking with me. I was really feeling like a failure at the time and afraid I’d never be able to do anything. He said I was trying to change too much too fast and depriving myself of sleep. He reassured me that all would be well and to sleep as long as I needed to and don’t worry about my appointment - I’ll get there fine. So, I slept till 3:30 today and I feel tremendously better, but I’ve got to be honest with you. When things like this happen I become gladder and more understanding as to why we can’t have a kid. He disagrees, but I know I could never do it.

I called and wished Lisa a happy birthday today. She’s 12.

Finally, Tammy had great news about Bill. She said he’s as clean as a whistle and has a 90% cure possibility.

I let her know their disks are on their way, too.

I guess I ended up taking quite a long break, huh?

Before I get into the pros and cons of Tom moving into my room, I must say one other thing.

I’d like to have Tom move in to give me more of a sense of “normality.” He also says it’d make it easier to have sex more often and would make him feel better overall, too. He can sleep through anything, too. Lights, movement, music, and the fan. I slept fine when he slept in here after my surgery, but now that I’m better and even though people tend to move less on a waterbed, I’m still afraid I’ll be woken up more often. Like several times a night. Also, I feel that everybody needs their space and their own little private domain. If we’re fighting, the last thing I’m gonna want to do is be closer to him. We did talk about moving my stereo, card table and bookcase in there, so that’s cool. I told him he could bring up moving in this weekend at some point during the weekend, but I have a feeling he may not do so. I sometimes wonder if he’s as anxious as he says he is about moving in. Truthfully, he can take his time as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going anywhere.

Later…

Gosh, I wish I was tired! Instead, I am wide awake. I fell asleep at 3 AM last night and set the alarm for 10. I didn’t quite get out of bed till 11:15.

Tom watched me work out earlier and I did all of each exercise. How the hell I did, I don’t know. Especially when it’s been a while and I’m feeling as flabby as Jell-O.

I’m almost done with that book. Got 20 pages left.

Tomorrow morning Tom’s going grocery shopping. If he doesn’t, though, we’ll go together at night.

He’s also gonna take his parents to the racetrack, find out business license information, finish Tammy’s disk, then we’ll go meet his brother at his parent’s house in the evening.

Out in the kitchen, there’s a list of the stuff we want to do during his next two days off.

He and I both have expressed how we’re glad there’s been more sex and hope to have even more. However, I hope he doesn’t use the busy next two days as an excuse to put off sex as well as an opportunity to instill and almost force patience in me. Just like I fear he may try to do with us having a kid. He’s even admitted on his own to me that he’s got to stop making various kinds of excuses. Tom’s never proven himself to be a liar to me, but sometimes I feel he may not always be too upfront with me or himself.

The force of patience idea is an example. Meaning, he never said he was doing that, but for some reason, if I really can have a kid, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were born when I was 32-33.

Another example is Tom’s response to our talking about his cumming: “But I’m going to.”

Sure. Uh-huh. He’s said this 1-3 times a month since we met. If it wasn’t for a good part of me wanting a kid, believe me, I’d be thrilled. Less stench and mess. Great method of birth control too, cuz very rarely does one get away, so to speak.

In a way, I’m sort of glad Tom can sometimes be hard to figure out and thoroughly understand. The same with “God’s” plans and motives. It gives me something to do. You know how I love to figure out shit. Or try to, anyway. Yup, I would’ve made a great detective.

Andy didn’t come over, but we chatted on the phone. We called Marla, but she wasn’t there. We chatted with Evan for a while.

I began doing something I haven’t done in years. Reading. I’m reading a book called Basic Instinct. It was a big movie a couple of years ago. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’d like to eventually. The last time I was into reading was when I was living on Oswego St. in Springfield, so we’re talking late 1987 to early 1988 was when I got sick of it.

Andy said that for the laughs of it, he took pictures of our old apartment buildings in Springfield, his old place on Belmont Ave., and my last place there on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Up till I was in my early 20s, I couldn’t write sloppy if I tried. Now it seems I couldn’t write neatly if I tried. I know I should really work on printing more often.

I just realized something funny, yet true. When I came the last time he and I came, I asked him what it felt like. He said he didn’t feel anything. I thought most guys could feel a woman cum when he’s inside her and he’s said, “It feels really good,” in the past. He probably said that cuz I said and insisted that I couldn’t feel or see any evidence of when he said he came. He said, “Stuff did come out. I know it was on me. Maybe the KY jelly has something to do with it.”

Yeah, maybe the KY jelly did affect it. Who knows?

Yesterday I didn’t fall asleep till 4:30 or so and I set my alarm for 11 AM. At 11:45, I finally dragged myself out of bed. Hopefully tonight I can go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier. Why am I doing this? For two reasons. So I can do stuff with Tom this weekend, and in case I ever need to if there’s ever a baby. I know that that’s both a very premature and ridiculous idea when there never is going to be a baby, but oh well. A good chunk of the time, I’m still grateful there isn’t so we can have our lives.

If there’s one thing I definitely need to work on, it’s living my life for how it is now. Not for how it more than probably won’t be. I must not spend too much time preparing for the future so as not to miss out on the present. Regardless of whether or not I’m planning “accurately” in the future. No, I have no regrets about all the men (and women) whose offers of sex or relationships I turned down. In doing so, I spared myself 5,000 truckloads of misery and feelings of loss of pride and respect. Also feelings of boredom, settlement and non-fulfillment. If I had accepted what was available to me, think of all the more experience I’d have. From what Tom’s expressed, though, he’s glad I haven’t had tons of experience cuz everybody’s different. True. The only way I would’ve been a slut and loved every second of it would’ve been if reality was filled with lots of gorgeous gay fems, also wanting other fems. It’s so funny when I look back on it now and talk about it now. It’s amazing how I and my life have changed so much.

Anyway, what’s going on in current events? Japan just got rocked by a massive earthquake and there are over 3,000 people dead.

A father beat his 6-week-old son to death. Get this, though. The guy was said to have been desperate for a family and even paid a surrogate mother 30 grand to have the kid.

God’s a real winner if He’s truly “controlling” things, as I believe he is. The more fucked up you are, the more you’ll be “chosen” to have a child. Life may not be fair and we may be “too good” to qualify for having a kid, but I am forever grateful and thankful for the wonderful things I do have and the freedom to enjoy them. Yes, I truly can’t imagine my life without being able to write, sing, work on the computer, etc. and sleep during the day like I do a lot.

David and his friend came and got the motorcycle today before I got up.

I sat outside today and it was blissfully quiet. This was probably only cuz it was cool out. Did I get any color on my perfectly white face? Of course not. Plus, I was only out there to read a couple of chapters of the book I’m reading.

This weekend Tom says we may discuss us sharing this bedroom, but I don’t know, cuz I don’t know if he’s that anxious. I love the idea of him moving into my room for several reasons but I’m also like – no way! After I take a break I’ll get into the reasons why even though I’m sure I’ve probably gone through all this before.

We just had awesome sex! It was a position we never did before. He laid in bed on his side and went inside me while I was on my back. The thing that’s cool about it is that I came!

Anyway, he’s now about to put together a huge poster. Remember all those animal drawings I did that he scanned into the computer? Well, he blew up one of the elephant drawings I did and it’s about 6’ wide and 6’ tall.

I finished that puzzle, even though there were 3 pieces missing. This weekend we may get more, but we’re definitely getting Tom new pants.

Later…

Tom just went to bed so I don’t have much to do right now other than write while I wait for Andy’s call. We spoke last night and he called Marla. We didn’t get to talk to her, though, cuz she was busy, but we spoke to her husband Evan. Yes, they ditched AOL, but we’re gonna call her tonight to discuss whether she’s getting Prodigy or what.

Andy also may come over. For me, he has a cactus plant, an article on Gloria, a tape of an interview she did and I believe that’s it. For him, I have that movie, the magazine with the Phase-Out and 27 NPN envelopes for him to mail. He agreed to mail them all at once as I asked him to. However, he says that he’d like to open one out of each batch I give him, then put whatever was in there into another NPN he has. He said he’s curious to see what I’d put in one of them. Well, I really wish he wouldn’t do that, as I don’t want him to see some of my stupid and silly little story drafts. Those are mine and I don’t want anyone who knows me to see them. I can’t stop him from doing whatever he’s gonna do in the privacy of his own apartment, but I sure wish there was a mailbox close by. I’ll see if he knows of any drop boxes nearby. I know that somewhere near here there is a post office with boxes you drive up to. One’s for in-state and one’s for out-of-state.

Can’t wait to show him this journal and others. I told him about the tie-dye curtains and my chat with Larry.

Today I took my plain curtains and dyed them purple in the washer. Then I hung them out on the line. Then I took an old small pot we never cook out of and one by one I put 8 different color dyes in it outside in the backyard. I filled each one half-full of water from the hose, then took this plastic teddy bear candy dish to splash out the dye onto the curtains. So, now I have tie-dyed curtains.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, so I did most of the puzzle of horses. That’s really all I’ve done since I last wrote, so I guess I’ll go work on the puzzle some more now.

Some of the stuff I’m gonna mention I probably already have, but I’m just gonna make sure I’m thorough.

This whole entire house has never looked better than it does now. Just about everything in the back room is in place and organized. I recently went through all our papers and filed them in the file box. I put all the computer disks in one box and tidied up odds and ends. Yesterday we both did lots of laundry during our busy day of drilling the hole in the wall, wiring and weeding.

For the longest time, there was a thick wire strung from the living room, across the living room/kitchen doorway, through the hall, past the bathroom, and into Tom’s room. That’s all gone now as Tom has cable and a phone in his room. This will sure make vacuuming a lot easier. So far, the cable and phone are working in his room. We’re gonna fix one of the 19” TVs so I can have that in my room. Lastly, he’ll do the phones in the back room and the living room. We’ll probably end up with two phones in the living room, one in my room and one in the back room. There’s one computer line, too. He said he’s not sure yet what and how he’s gonna go about doing the audio and video wires.

I just got through to that radio station and they’re gonna play that song for me that I haven’t heard in years and have been dying to have on tape.

Yesterday we made the beds and today I went through all his clothes. He has a dresser with 4 drawers and on top, I put his underwear, socks, bathing suit, and long pants. The second drawer has his shorts and about 5 shirts.

I made a pile, as he asked me to, of clothes that looked stained or too worn out. This consists of socks, underwear, shirts and a pair of shorts. He’s gonna go through that and he can decide what to do with it.

I may or may not have mentioned this, but he went over to his parent’s house yesterday and she gave me 4 cookies she baked that she knew Tom didn’t like. They were pretty good.

She also had a gift there for us from his brother Steven and his family in CA. It was a book of 3-D images, and believe it or not, I can see them! Some of them I can see instantly. She also gave Tom a puzzle of horses.

OK, so now I think I’ve got every day before today all updated.

I called Larry today as it’s his 41st birthday and we had a good talk. We didn’t discuss it, but he got my letter about Jenny. Obviously, he understood, just like I understand where he’s coming from as far as the stuff he’s told me. He knows that other than my journals, Tom and Andy I won’t say anything we talked about to Tammy or to mom and dad. I also know that whatever I tell him is safe with him. There are 3 things I know he’s always been good at from what I could always see, regardless of if we were in contact or not. 1. He can keep a secret. 2. He’s a dependable hard worker. 3. A good father. When I told him that if we ever have a kid, I hoped to be as good of a mother as he is a father, he said, “Thank you.”

Anyway, the things me and Tammy say about him won’t get back to him and the things me and Larry say about her won’t get back to her. Despite the fact that Tammy’s been more positive towards me for the last few years, I had to laugh about some of the things Larry said about her cuz they’re so true. I’ve always felt that Tammy was a lousy mom, cuz of her moods and temper, but I’ve never told her this. It’s not my place to and it wouldn’t change things. Anyway, Larry said he wasn’t surprised that Tammy’s a lot like mom was and that he remembers her hitting one of them (probably Lisa) at his house. If I’m remembering right, the last time they saw each other was before she met Bill. Or actually, it was in 1989 for the unveiling of Nana and Pa’s gravestones. Bill was probably there with her, but Becky and Sarah weren’t born yet.

Anyway, he said that Tammy did something very bad to both of them. I’m not sure specifically what he’s talking about and I didn’t ask. When he said that even Sandy won’t forgive her and doesn’t want to talk to her, I knew they had to feel it was quite serious, heavy-duty shit. You see, Sandy’s so passive and easygoing. She’s always been a really sweet, friendly person. I can’t picture her ever going off or saying the word damn, let alone the words shit, fuck or asshole. It takes a lot for her to turn against anyone. He said he’s standing by his wife’s feelings and isn’t about to say, “Hey, this is my sister. You have to do this.” That’s cool, just like Tom and I can compromise. He won’t tell me I can’t see someone he doesn’t like and play daddy, but I’ll see that person away from here or when he’s working or asleep. He said if they do go see her it’ll be for two reasons. To make mom and dad happy, and to have something to laugh about. He respects Dad’s feelings more than Mom’s.

He says while he feels sorry that Bill’s got cancer and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, he doesn’t know the guy and knows that if he goes down there, she’s just gonna be phony and pretend to be Mother of the Year while sucking up their sympathy, saying she’s changed. I hate to say this, but yes, I can honestly see that. She’s always been such a major hypochondriac.

He said that he’s sure that if he gives her his number she’ll call every 10 minutes. Yeah, I can see that too, but only with him. This is just cuz she’s very desperate to see him and I can understand that. When he dumped me, it was like, oh well, I’m used to this and life goes on. However, it really hit her hard.

The part that cracked me up is when he said, “She could call me and I could put the phone down, get in my truck, go out and get some coffee and a donut, come back and she’ll still be there talking.”

Now, who do you suppose that reminds me of? Nervous, of course. I told him a little about him and how I called him collect from the beach, told him to hang on, listened to 7 songs and when I returned, he was still there waiting.

Anyway, it turns out that Tammy called Mom upset that she doesn’t have his number and then Ma called him about it. Larry just laid out his feelings about that and hopefully, Ma won’t bug him as I agree with what he said. You can’t make someone do something, and he still has to live his own life. I asked her not to let Tammy know that I’ve got his number so no one’s feelings get hurt when I called there to ask for the dates of Sandy’s and the kids’ birthdays. We chatted really quickly, but I’ll get into that after.

The DJ played that song for me and I, as well as others, have called requesting a song called One Tin Soldier, but he can’t find it. He says he’ll keep on looking for it. The other song I just got was Seasons in The Sun, but it’s not by Terry Jackson, it’s by Terry Jacks.

Anyway, back to my talk with Larry. He’s just taking it easy today. Everyone’s fine. I told him of our busy day yesterday and they said they added a sliding glass door and a deck off of the master bedroom, but the house needs some work. He says he has to redo the driveway. He’ll try to send me a picture of them. The weather’s 60º, but it’s damp, raw and rainy. That’s the usual January thaw they always have.

He told me a really funny joke: What do you get when you put a potato on a dick?

A dictator

I asked him where he’s getting all these jokes from and he said he hears them over the CB. He had a scanner on in there.

Anyway, that’s the bulk of our conversation, but if I remember anything else we discussed, I’ll jot it down.

I called mom and some woman answered, saying her name was Teresa. She’s obviously someone I’ve never met and she goes, “Your mom never told you anything about me?” but she knew who I was. I asked her how they met, and she said at some bar. I told her and Mom that at least she’s got a sense of humor.

Ma gave me their birthday dates and it goes like this: Larry’s August 2, Jenny’s February 4, and Sandy’s February 5.

Later…

After Tom and I screwed, and neither of us came, we had a discussion. Cuz I can only cum by him going down on me, I can somewhat relate to him. However, I told him I feel awfully guilty about his not cumming and that I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for it. He insisted there’s no one to blame and it’s his problem which he’s had before with others and that he really did cum that one time. I told him I have a mixture of feelings and questions about it. He says there is no subconscious underlying fear of having a kid, but he feels no urgency for it and that he’s got time. I had wondered if he was trying to force patience in me and I know he’s mentioned my getting pregnant in April and having it at the end of 1995 or the beginning of 1996. I still want to do whatever I can with my singing and hobbies, but I guess I figured there was no reason to wait.

Well, I may have been wrong when I swore that gay or straight I could never get a decent person and have a great relationship and about getting my foot in the door with my singing sometime in 1994, but I’ve also been right on lots of stuff. I was right when I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t meant for me to be with women as well as other stuff and I know I’m right when I say there isn’t ever gonna be a kid. Probably not even if he came in a big way every day. I know that the sooner I can accept that I’ll never have a kid, the better off I’ll be, but it’s not so easy to do. I know I can and will do it though. It’ll just take time. Just like it took time for me to accept the fact that I could never be with a woman, except for 1-niters, or the wrong types. I can’t make or force myself to get over it at the snap of my fingers, but when I think about the dark and realistic side of it, it helps. You know, all the shit you go through physically, mentally and financially.

I wonder what in the world Andy’s up to. He must really be working like crazy. It’s not too much like him, though, to not call for a few days. Also, I have the Lindsay Wagner movie I taped for him and I’m sure he’s fairly eager to see it.

Between the two of us, we got a tremendous amount of work done. All by myself, I weeded the backyard. It wasn’t hard at all. I hosed down the gravel and dirt, dug the weeds loose with the shovel and pulled the weeds up by their roots. I planted a narcissus bulb that Tom got from his parents today. I don’t know if it’ll grow, though.

This morning Tom amazed me by arranging his room, sorting through stuff and getting rid of garbage. My job tomorrow will be to arrange his clothes in his dresser.

Today he made a hole in his room to the outside for the phone and cable wires. Next weekend, he’ll come from his room, through my wall, and into my room.

In a little while I’m gonna dust everything off and put stuff away, then take a shower. I desperately need to shower and wash my hair.

We did laundry today too, and aired this place out by the open window in his room and the front and back doors. The weather was nice and thank God it was peaceful out. They weren’t out next door and I’m sure they really heard the racket we made! Like I feel sorry for them after all the noise they’ve dumped on us?

Another Friday the 13th! Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’re going food shopping.

He tried to fix one of the tracks on my stereo that’s been sounding a little soft and fuzzy. However, it’s an unfixable old piece of shit. He did a little bit of weeding out front and later he’ll do it out back.

Today I’m sending out letters to Bob, Kim and my parents. I probably won’t be able to get letters from Minnie again, but I have not heard too much from Kim or Bob. Kim’s very busy and Bob’s either sick, having trouble getting stamps, or is too depressed. You know how he is.

Later Tom’s gonna go up in the attic to check out how he’s gonna string those wires.

Later…

We went food shopping and Tom went to pick up my Proventil.

It’s turning out to be a really nice day out there. I wish it were a bit warmer so I could get some color.

Later…

Tom made all his decisions on what he feels is the best way to string wires through here for audio, video and cable. The phones, too.

I went through the cookbook Ma sent and highlighted some stuff that looked interesting.

Tomorrow I’m gonna call Larry for his birthday and tomorrow I’ll mail out Lisa’s card and her $10 check.

I got a lot of mail today. A 1-page letter from Alex, a 4-page letter from Kim and an 8-page letter from Bob. Yup, Bob was having trouble getting stamps till his sister sent him some.

Tom and I swapped light fixtures. They needed to be cleaned and his was nicer looking.

He moved the motorcycle down the end of the garage where there’s lots of stuff and where the car never goes in and out. The motorcycle’s David’s and he’s picking it up for a friend to have this Wednesday at about 11 AM.

This may sound confusing and funny and may not make too much sense. It’s rather complex, but that’s what this book is for, isn’t it? Lovemaking has been no problem for me. There’s no pain or pressure. I even had no problem today when I was on top.

But his verbal desire to have a kid doesn’t go with his actions (sexually). Doesn’t he know that regardless of how much he’d prefer not to cum, he’s gonna have to in order for me to get pregnant? Doesn’t he know just how slim the chances are of me getting pregnant without him cumming? His dick goes from hard to semi-hard and back and forth like that. When he’s inside me he goes fast, but only occasionally and for a few seconds. He mainly goes very slowly.

A million ideas run through my head. He always goes to the bathroom before sex. Is there some secret thing he does in there that’ll stop or decrease my chances of getting pregnant if I can in the first place? Does he really have a problem he’s in denial about? He swears it has nothing to do with me and he apologized for blaming me, saying he had been too much of a wimp to admit it was him. He says he wants us to have a kid with confidence and isn’t nervous about being a father, but could he really have an underlying subconscious fear about it that’s preventing him from cumming? It just seems unnatural to not be nervous, even if you’ve got such tolerance and patience.

Later…

Tom cooked up some bacon and now he’s working on the computer.

I typed up all the letters I got. It sure goes faster that way, rather than when I write them in.

I have almost 30 NPN envelopes to give to Andy. He had told me he opened one to see what I put in them and that he mails them off slowly one by one. I’d really prefer it if he didn’t open any and if he’d mail them all at once. I wish there were a regular mailbox close by!

Tom just came in to see what I was doing. He’s gonna make a sandwich now but asked him what I should write on these last 26 pages.

He won’t let me read his journal yet on the second computer, saying he hasn’t written enough yet. I teased him by saying I cracked his secret code, found where he’s doing it, and read how he got it off with some guy in the backseat of his car on his lunch break at work.

Later...

I wrote that I was gonna call Larry tomorrow, but I meant Sunday.

Tom went to bed and I’m just about ready to do the same. Tomorrow I’ll type letters to Bob and Alex, but I may not send them off right away. I want to wait till we get more stamps. Maybe I’ll do a letter to Kim, Tammy and my parents again, too. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I hope Andy leaves me a message, letting me know when it’ll be a good time to get together. If not, at least exchange the stuff we have for each other. If I don’t see him 2-3 days before his birthday, I’ll mail him a card. I’ve already got one for him. That crayon can and Myst journal, he’ll get as close to his birthday as possible, but his birthday isn’t until February 15th.

Kim said she was cracking up over two things I said. When I told her to keep her tits crossed for me about my ear healing. You know, instead of keeping your fingers crossed.

Bob’s letter was depressing and corny, but what else is new?

Today’s been an interesting day so far. I finished the final document. Now he’ll consolidate it till he has more stuff for me to type up.

He put a couple of symbols like the degrees sign and fractions in the hotkeys.

We tried sending Marla a message, but she either ditched the service or changed her name to God knows what.

Today I got a porcelain doll named Jessie from the same people that sent me the doll that looks like Stevie when I lived next to Andy and that butch. That was a surprise cuz I ordered it several months ago, pretty sure I’d never get it as they usually want payments first. This one’s a little bigger and more realistic looking. It’s quite cute. This little girl’s kneeling down with her arm out to hold a white stuffed animal dog. The dog’s too big, though, and it’s kind of funny looking. Therefore, I stuck one of my mini koala bears in her hand. I decided while I was at it, to wash my older stuffed animals, as they’re filthy. I’m just hoping they don’t fall apart in the washer.

On top of that, the kitchen light blew out and then I almost walked into a small spider, coming down on its web over the sink.

Later…

Well, my stuffed animals made it through the washer and came out alive.

Yesterday Tom brought home this survey where you choose your reaction or feelings from most to least on certain questions. We both did it and today he’ll find out what it means in the class he’ll be going to. I made up the ones I wrote in. We guessed what each other would most likely and least likely do and then we agreed or disagreed with each other’s guesses.

I’ve sure been busy doing things and thinking about things. Instead of sending Bob bits and pieces of Norah’s story, I put them in a big envelope and sent them to him. I figured it’d also be a good way to kill off some of the old 29¢ stamps. I stuck 5 on it and I hope it gets to him OK.

Today I cooked up more mashed potatoes and also some spaghetti. I did laundry, put it out on the line, did dishes and cleaned the bathroom.

I still am a bit unsure of our sex lives and about having a kid. I believe him when he says he wants to have sex more often and have a kid. However, I don’t buy it when he says he didn’t fake the two times he said he came.

Last night he made a comment saying that raising a kid is a piece of cake if you let it be.

Yeah, right! That’s pretty unrealistic-sounding to me. It wouldn’t be easy. I still desire a child, but I don’t know. It all still seems so scary and overwhelming to me. I’m flattered that Tom has faith in me, or so he says, but I still can’t lie to myself about the fact that I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant in the first place.

I know Tom prefers not to cum, but whether it’s just that, or he’s got a problem, there’s also my DES to consider, so I don’t want to go getting my hopes up, despite my fears. Plus, I have to go by logic, patterns and statistics. Remember, I’m not 18, violent, fucked up on drugs and those are the ones that seem to have the kids.

I didn’t end up a singer or with a woman so why would I end up with a baby? While Arizona and Tom are my two biggest blessings, besides my abilities, I must remain realistic and not get too hopeful and too positive, as hard as that can be at times.

Yesterday I finished the Andy document and now I only have one left. It was originally to be the Lamaris document, but there already is a Lamaris document, so it’s now Andy.

Time for some of those smashed potatoes, as Andy and I call them.

Later…

I was gonna watch TV, but what was on waiting for me? More teenage pregnant losers. No thanks. So, what else can I tell this book right now? Nothing, I guess. So, I think I’ll go begin typing the final Maria document.

Later…

I changed my bed, aired the place out, took the clothes off the line and began the Maria doc.

I tried to call KHITS, the 70s station I’ve been listening to so I could request a song, but I either get a busy signal or non-stop ringing.

What a bummer. Just when we ordered new address labels, a catalog came today with tons of awesome labels. Ours are still nice enough, anyway. The rainbow labels with both our names came today. I got the metallic jewel tone labels and he got plain metallic. The colors are green, blue, gold, pink and purple.

Once again I can’t wait till it’s hot and I can go swimming. What may suck about when I am able to swim is the fact that I’ll probably need to stuff some putty or cram something into that new ear of mine. Sounds quite comfy.

I had to make an appointment for a hearing test at the regular Cigna building. I hope those headphones they put on aren’t excruciating. They’re pretty tight and even scrunched the good ear. That appointment’s for February 9th at 2:30, then at 4:30 that same day I see Dr. Nielsen. I also must see Nielsen again this month.

I wrote some more in that Myst game journal booklet I’m doing for Andy’s birthday. I had my binder with Norah’s story, so I flipped to any old page and began mixing some really funny sentences.

I am at the doctor’s office now, waiting to be vacuumed out once again.

I taped Andy’s movie last night and I left him a message telling him to let me know when he wants to pick it up. I’m also giving him some NPN envelopes as well as a magazine that sells Phase-Out.

Today I went to send Marla another message through AOL, but a message came up saying there was no such user. I don’t know if I screwed up or if she changed her name. On AOL I’m Mysterylin. Tom changed my name to Jodi S on Prodigy, so no more Jodi O!

Today I tie-dyed 4 T-shirts by myself after Tom left. They came out great. Better than the first two.

Tom put the Alabaster blinds up at the far end of the back room facing next door.

Later…

I’m back from Dr. Nielsen’s office and he’s still impressed saying it’s a true miracle. Now we’re down to having to do the peroxide every 3 days, the ointment every day, and the drops once a week. I don’t have to go back to see him till the 19th and I also have an appointment for February.

I’ve got to call Dr. Driscoll’s office tomorrow and try to reschedule a hearing test for the day of the February appointment. I’ll also call for refills on my Proventil and that’s when Tom will drop off the CAT scans.

Today I cooked us pork chops and made homemade mashed potatoes. It was boring and time-consuming, but it came out well.

Yesterday had to be one of the busiest days of my life. Would you believe me if I said I typed up 1 whole journal? Well, I did! I worked on it on and off for 12 hours or so.

I also edited down my 3 oldies tapes. I grouped the best songs together and cut out the stuff I didn’t want.

In about 50 minutes Tom will be getting up. He works 8 hours for the next 5 days.

He left me a few video messages on the computer that was really cool.

Last night I talked to Andy again. His job’s going well and he’s doing much better. The only not-so-cool thing he mentioned that I’m not sure I wrote about, is the couple that moved in above him. He says they’re very noisy all the time. They’re possibly on crystal meth which is supposed to keep you awake. Again, I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Not after living with him and next to him and knowing how much noise of his own he produces.

Got another message yesterday from this Bernie O in L.A., wondering if we were related. Well, we’re not as far as I know.

We went to the art store yesterday and got wind chimes, T-shirts and silk flowers. We haven’t got the dye yet to tie-dye these shirts yet. We’re also gonna get wire mesh soon to begin making an arc of flowers in the living room/kitchen doorway.

I forgot to mention that when we were last at the doctor’s office, they gave us a huge envelope containing my CAT scans. Tom’s gonna drop them off at one of their offices. Anyway, I looked at the CAT scans and I wonder how the hell anyone can read and make sense of them.

Earlier I spent a couple of hours sorting through papers and filing them into the file box. I have never known anyone to have so many fucking papers! I just hope he keeps up on anything I did, doesn’t re-trash areas I cleaned and straightened, throws things away that are garbage, and puts stuff that he uses back where it came from.

In the meantime, the bathroom, kitchen, living room and my room are always easy to keep up on and never get as bad as the back room.

I typed this to Larry:

What I’m about to tell you may sound strange, but I believe in communication, so people understand each other better. It may piss you off, but I hope not and I’ll take my chance cuz it’s your right to know. You mentioned giving Jenny my number and I don’t know if you’ve given it to her or whether or not she said she’d call or not. Anyway, after we hung up and the idea had a chance to sink in, I thought about it and decided I don’t think it’s a wise idea for us to have any contact with each other. If I ran into her on a visit there or she called before you got this letter, fine, I can be cool about it and that’s no problem. Before I get into why let me back up. I’m the first one to admit I was a bitch who did some raunchy things, but stuff was also done to me. I’m living proof that people can change, am not the same person I used to be, and I’m sure she’s learned a lot like I have since we were last friends. She is a good person, I don’t hate her, and I wish her all the luck in the world. I hope she has a great life. My attitude for a year or so after our friendship ended and she became friends with you was that she was a traitor. Then I came to realize that everyone has a right to pick their own friends. I made a promise to myself that I would like very much to keep. You’re the only one that walked out of my life that I’ve taken back into my life. Of course, if you were to kiss me farewell again, that’s it forever. I lost you both at the most critical time of my life when I needed you the most and was going through major transitions in life. Yes, you were right, I still succeeded and did what I had to do, even though I was terrified of people, dumped them left and right figuring they’d dump me and was broke and starving, scraping pennies and on food stamps for the longest time. I guess what it basically comes down to is I feel like you feel about Tammy. She’s a good person, I wish her well, but there’s nothing to say to each other at this point. I hope you’ll understand and respect my feelings like I will about you and Tammy. I just wouldn’t know what to say. Go ahead and read this to her or show this to her if you want and that way she’s not left hanging, but truthfully, I can’t picture her wanting to talk to me either.

Later...

Well, today’s the day two years ago in 1993 when I became a dancer. An exotic one, anyhow.

Yesterday morning I couldn’t fall asleep till around 9:30 and Tom got me up at 3:30. Boy, was I tired!

Anyway, good news about my doctor’s appointment. His exact words to me were, “Jodi, I have good news for you. The skin graft is healing.”

He said he was very shocked and called it a miracle. He says it’s still wise to remain pessimistic, though, as there’s still a slight chance I’ll need another skin graft. Oh yeah? I intend to surprise him on this one. I’ve had about 18-19 operations in my life and I don’t care to make it an even 20.

As far as getting into the letter I did for Larry - well - there’s not much to really get into. Those are my true feelings. I have nothing to say to her and have no desire to be either local or long-distance friends with her. I highly doubt this will piss Larry off, but if it does - too bad. I really hope he gets this letter before she calls, even though I’m 99% sure she won’t call. What would she want to say to me as well? I’m sure our feelings are mutual (mine and Jenny’s).

At around 7:00 last night I fell asleep till 11:00. I sure didn’t expect to be able to do that, but I sure needed it. Obviously, no one came or went during those hours from next door.

I talked with Andy and then Andy with his friend Goofy on the line. Andy went to bed at 6 AM.

Tom did a little shopping yesterday. In the back room, there are two sets of double windows and a single one. The one in between the back room and the room where the dryer is doesn’t need blinds, so I’m gonna leave it bare. It has translucent contact paper on it which won’t look funny. Plus, I can easily decorate it. He got cameo rose and slate blue for the double set directly in back, but forgot blinds for the single side window which he’ll pick up today. Probably today we’ll wash the windows and put up the blinds. I can’t wait to junk the old ugly curtains that have been there for no doubt many years.

He also got a toothbrush holder and a razor holder which I installed. Lastly, clear spray paint for my wall art.

Oh, I almost forgot. There are two leaks in the roof over the back room, so he got stuff to fix it. Luckily the roof over the rest of the house is new and in good condition.

I have 6 letters going out today to my parents, Kim, Bob, Minnie and Alex.

I completed and printed out Journal 32 on purple paper. Now I’ve got a total of 47 journals typed up and they all total 492 pages. I also started the Eileen document.

I got a couple more good oldies recorded, but boy was I pissed at one point! If I remember right, there’s a song called Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jackson. I tried to get it from KOOL, but they didn’t have it. I had stopped typing for a while and turned off the radio there in the back room when I decided to watch TV. When I returned to do more typing, I turned on the radio and that song was just ending. Well, at least I know they have the song, and I plan on calling sometime to make some requests.

I got up late today and haven’t done too much today. I typed more of Journal 32, put away my laundry, typed in a letter I got from Bob today, watched TV, and listened to music.

Tom sure came home horny. We screwed and he went down on me as you can see by the chart (chart not in file). He got up a little while ago and he’s now playing the Myst game.

Well, the smaller silver journal from Marjorie is now my official sketchbook. I did several drawings in it throughout the night.

Later…

Boy, is tomorrow’s appointment gonna be hard waking up for! I probably won’t fall asleep till 9 AM-noon and I’ve got to get up at 3 PM.

Tom picked up some generic stamps today, as they haven’t printed the 32¢ stamps yet.

Tom’s doing the two things he does 99% of the time he’s home. The computer and the TV.

I checked over next week’s TV guide which we got today. Norah’s nowhere to be found.

Earlier I took a bath and shaved. I did my hair yesterday which is in very shitty condition. It needs a good trim and a very serious mayonnaise treatment. The treatment will have to wait until I no longer have to worry about getting water in my ear. The trim may get done this weekend.

Well, now I’m gonna go do some computer work.