Yesterday Tom was gonna fire up the spa, but something’s wrong with the filter or whatever. He got it up to 80º, but it felt like it was in the 50s! Well, at least the weather’s getting hot. We were out there early yesterday morning and I never heard a peep out of next door.

We went to screw yesterday and although it was fun, I couldn’t cum. Guess that makes two of us now, but I didn’t deliberately hold back. Now that the fact that he’ll never cum has fully hit me and sunk in, I can be pleasantly selfish during sex. He claims that for him to get off, he has to go really slow. I like it fast. I used to be like - well, let’s go slow so we can see if he cums, but now I’m like - he won’t cum, so why not have him go fast? I’m the one that cums.

We got a treadmill last Friday. I had to rearrange our rather small living room to get it to fit in. I walked for 10 minutes earlier, as well as used my thigh master. Soon I’ve got to do my sit-ups and push-ups. I don’t know why I bother when I’ve always had the same lousy shape (proportioning) and always will. It just makes me feel better I guess and I am still smaller and more fit than the average person. It’s funny, though, cuz Tom not only sees my body differently than I do, he sees my level of fitness differently too. Out of 100% fitness, he sees me as 70%. I see myself as 40-50%.

I finished and taped that cactus puzzle and I began the sailboat one.

Tom got me a big book of over 200 word-seek puzzles for $9. Nine bucks! Can you believe it? Well, I love them anyhow and have already done several. Hope my subscription gets here soon enough, though. And my CD. I can’t wait for that CD!

Got a letter from Kim yesterday and one from Bob the day before. I sent letters out to them, my parents and Lisa, Becky, and Sarah. It’s been a while since I wrote them their own letters and I used flag pictures to decorate their envelopes.

I got my folk’s catalog of the flags they sell. It’s pretty neat. I cut out most of them, kept my favorites, and intend to decorate the backs of envelopes with the rest. Unfortunately, I can’t decorate envelopes for Bob. The prison won’t go for that.

Their work number was listed in two different areas which were crossed out. Just when I thought they trusted me. Now, why in the world would I want to call their work number? Wait till I tell her I could still see through to the number! Even so, you know, that was kind of insulting to see.

Also, in the package was a water-resistant clock/radio. That’ll be nice for our romantic weekend get-together at the pool. Oh, I only hope and pray those kids stay quiet, cuz that’d really spoil the mood.

There were two puzzles. One of a desert mountain with cactuses. Another of boats at a marina. This was great and they never would’ve known if I hadn’t mentioned Marge getting me into puzzles. They also remembered how I said I like around 500 pieces and not 1000, cuz then it becomes more of a drag than fun. Guess they do pay attention to what I say.

Lastly, in the package were 3 pairs of shorts, a vest, and a jacket. They all fit perfectly and are stuff I’d wear. The jacket was a bit big but beautiful, so I don’t care. My favorite was the denim shorts with gold studs, triangles, and clear gemstones at the top of the rims of the pockets.

Marge called right after Tom went to bed to see how my ear appointment went. That was nice.

Later...

I have only one edit tape left to cut. That oughta go fast, cuz there are reps on there for sure. I called them ‘edibytes’ when I was telling Tom about it. Last night Andy and I had about a 20-minute conversation with Karson which I taped. I edited all of that and yes, she sure makes great edits. I edited a message a friend of Marla left Andy. Also, the weather report in Springfield a few months back where we were laughing at the 0º they had. Marla got a kick out of it, but said, “I don’t know if Maryanne would appreciate her conversations being taped.” Andy let her know we didn’t; she left that message on his VM, then Marla said, “OK. Just checking.”

Last night Andy wanted to call and talk to Nervous, believe it or not, but the number was disconnected. There was a Kevin T in W. Springfield, but it wasn’t him. I can’t see him having anyone to call who’s long-distance, so if he’s still with Crystal, my guess is she rang up a bill. Unless they broke up and he rang up a bill calling 900#s.

I was wondering why Kim didn’t have a typewriter or a computer since she could afford it, but what would be the point? She’d never be home enough to use it, so it’d be a complete waste of money.

Later...

I’m trying to stay up as late as I can so I can sleep later. That way I’m up more during the days this weekend. I’m too tired to do anything, though, so I’m kind of bored.

I don’t know why I’ve had no appetite for sex lately. It’s the lowest it’s been since I’ve known Tom and he certainly didn’t do anything. Well, the desire’s always lower after my period, so I’m sure it’ll pick up. The desire to have a kid is way down too, but I’m glad. I hope and pray that this is how it stays and doesn’t fluctuate on me. I can’t afford to be running around dwelling on that with my being sterile and with a guy who doesn’t cum. Regardless of what he says, I knew many months ago he’d never cum. I just wasn’t ready to admit or accept this. Not back then, anyway.

I think I’ll go grab a bite to eat now, then go do whatever else I can think of.

First of all, we went out last Saturday and mostly browsed around. We did get a couple of things, though. A fan on a stand that’s in the living room, and I got two CDs. Not counting Living in the USA and the 70s one I ordered, I now have a total of 108 CDs. At Best Buy I got Hasten Down the Wind which has several songs I sing. Also, her latest one in English is called Feels Like Home. It’s a lot like her older stuff and even Tom likes it. I haven’t learned it all yet, but I will.

Before we went shopping and looked around, we went to Red Lobster. That was great.

Kim called this afternoon. She’s still madly in love with Doug and says it’s mutual. She hasn’t told Doug yet that I’m the one behind the letters and is gonna wait till I send 1 or 2 more. I mail them to her along with the letters I send her with an addressed envelope to his PO Box in Vernon, CT, then she mails it to him.

She still says that she wouldn’t be one bit shocked if I told her I was pregnant and says she sees it happening. I told her that sometimes I see it, but mostly I don’t.

She told me Minnie was a nice, down-to-earth, cool person that Bob would hardly look at or acknowledge. True to his letter, he “couldn’t keep his eyes or hands off of her.” She still believes in his innocence but sees no way any more than he does that he’ll get out alive. She thinks he’ll die in there of some heart-related issue. Well, it’s been a long time since I ever felt he’d make it out of there alive.

She also promised to write him more on the condition that he destroys every one of her letters. She doesn’t want anyone to ever see them.

I’m 99% sure no one would call, let alone come here concerning any of my letters (should he die or whatever), but I’ve got a request of my own for him. Not to destroy my 100-and-something letters, but to destroy all my envelopes that have address labels on them. Also, any letters with any addresses, names, or numbers. Then, from there on out, I’ll ask that he rip off and destroy my address labels or destroy the whole envelope. I still want to use address labels, so anything that needs to be returned to me can be.

Great news today at the doctor’s office. I was so nervous beforehand like most people and fearing the worst. Like him saying, “Jodi, I hate to tell you this, but the skin graft is all messed up. I have to operate again.”

However, as Tom said, and as I knew deep down in my heart, he said it looked great. Tom kept insisting I’d have to wear a bathing cap this summer and I told him I was determined to get around that. How the hell would I get all this hair up into it anyway? So, when I went to ask the doctor about it, Tom looked at me as if to say, sorry, but you aren’t gonna get your way with this one. Sure enough, though, and thank God, the doctor said due to the fact that everyone’s different I’ll have to experiment and see what my ear can or cannot tolerate. Growing up at beaches every year and swimming most of my life in so many places, I know I’ve never had Swimmer’s Ear or any kind of ear infection that I can remember, so that’s a good sign. One advantage the bad ear has is that it’s drilled straight in, whereas the good ear’s not, cuz that’s how normal ear canals are. Anyway, he says my ear canal is almost the size of a regular one and to just tip my head over when I get out of the water. I do that anyway with the good ear. If there are any problems, there are drops I can get to help avoid infections and problems like that. He said you can get it other ways, too. From showers, rainstorms, etc. Well, I grew up doing an awful lot of swimming for 3 months at the beach and where it rains a lot, and have never had a problem, so that helps to know.

Little by little I’m getting color. Arizona’s definitely back, thank God! Did I mention how our weather was like Massachusetts for about a week? It was cold, damp, rainy, and it really sucked. It was 88º today and tomorrow it’ll be 93º. The pool temperature was 74º today and this weekend we’re gonna heat it up. I hope the temperature stays where it is. Better yet, goes up.

Later...

I don’t know if the owner of that dog came to pick it up or not, but all’s been quiet enough from over there, so that’s cool. I hear an occasional scream, but nothing I can’t deal with. They’re still playing out front, but they’ve been quieter at it. I’m still not sure if I’ll leave her a note to come over to chat or have coffee. She’s probably too busy and who’d watch the kids? She’d have to haul the herd over here and no way! This place isn’t baby-proof and never will be unless we have one and I’m still almost sure we won’t.

Now here’s some very strange, funny, weird, yet great news. I wish to hell I taped the conversation I had with my mom earlier cuz it was great. I forgot to ask how long Dad’s gonna be gone to New England and also if they cracked my secret code in fingerspelling. I typed the alphabet and interpreted that up top of the message which said - I love and miss you both.

Also, in 3-4 days a package will arrive from them. I started next week’s letter to them and jokingly said, “So, ma, when’s the package gonna be here?” as I usually do.

Anyway, if Andy, who’s seen the bad side of her, heard us talking, he wouldn’t believe it was the same Dureen O he used to know. Dad was there too, and they had company. It sounded like they could’ve been playing cards.

Later...

Continuing with what I was last saying - I told her about my ear and said (which is shockingly true) he didn’t even have to vacuum me today! Then she said, “Have him do your carpets, then.”

Then I told her our vacuum was broken and she asked why. I told her my hair jammed it up and she said, “You’re not supposed to vacuum your hair with it, you idiot.”

So then she goes, “Tell me. Is Tom really that caring or are you just putting on a show and bullshitting me?” Then after I reminded her that I tell her like it is and know how to dump a jerk and wasn’t bullshitting her, she said, “Well, he’ll get the stamp of approval only when I meet him.”

Of course she was teasing me, but I told her in their letter that it’d take a hell of a ton of bricks to fall on Tom’s head to turn him into a psycho, and how if that were possible I’d call them just like I did at the NHA and say, “Look. I’m in a really bad situation here and I need help to get an apartment till I can dance the money back to you and get on my feet. No pun intended.” Then to make her feel better, cuz nobody’s perfect I said, “I’ll tell you something negative about him. He’s a slob, an occasional procrastinator, and doesn’t always pick up after himself.”

She also told me I was really growing up and she just may like me after all. Well, I certainly didn’t expect either of us to like each other, even though we always loved each other. And it’s good to know we can get along, even though we’ll never be alike or agree on everything. She asked if there was a place to sleep when she got here and she said she was getting the bedroom and I had to sleep on the couch and wait on her. I told her I’d dress like a whore just to piss her off while I waited on her. She said, “Oh, yeah. Same old little whore.”

We were cracking up and she said when she gets here we can discuss my gift to her. She said with all those computers I said we had she was sure we could put something together. I really wish we could and we hope to someday. It may take a while, though.

We were teasing each other when I said I wouldn’t trade this life I’ve got today for the old one. She said she’d never take me back and I was like, “Good! I’d never go back with you. You’re a bossy nag.”

Last night’s live chat with Alex was fun. Confusing, but fun. I could send him instant messages, but I wasn’t getting any from him. After a while of not being able to find him, I sent him an instant message to go to the Starfleet Academy room. From there, we created our own room called Trouble. We chatted about odds and ends. He asked how Tom was and he told me how in love he is with this hearing woman named Mary.

I insisted to Tom today that I blew my schedule right out the door, but he insisted, “I expected this. This is good. You’re doing fine and are making great progress.”

Then I asked him, “What if we had a kid? I mean, I was so tired and there’d have been no way I could’ve kept up with it.”

He said, “You won’t get to be in that situation when the time comes.”

OK, whatever. I’m still not quite sure what he means. I may be able to fall back asleep and take naps more often now that I’m not going through all the shit I was in the past, but how the hell I’ll ever maintain a schedule beats me. I had set the alarm for 8 AM yesterday and after 4 days of 5-6 hours of sleep, I was dead exhausted, so I kept hitting the snooze till 10:30. My allergies were giving me hell and I felt really miserable, so at 1 PM I fell back asleep till 5 PM. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. He may sleep in here tomorrow night instead.

Not a sound all day or night from that dog next door. Only 8 van door slams at 10:30 PM or so.

Minnie shocked the shit out of me by giving me a call. She said Bob gained weight, cried when he saw them, and that was it. She told me how lousy motherhood’s been on her, the kid went off, and that was it. Tomorrow I’ll have a letter going out for Minnie.

Kim left a message, too. She and Doug are going to her grandmother’s in Maine for the weekend, but she’ll call back Sunday night.

Tom and I talked to my parents earlier. All’s well with them.

Yesterday, a federal building with several different federal offices in it was bombed and 200-300 people were killed. A lot of kids too, as there was a daycare office in this building for employees there. The bomb caused damage as much as 5 blocks away. Tammy thinks it’s Middle Eastern terrorists. Tom thinks it’s US citizens pissed off at the government, but authorities have no suspects or motives.

This is really scary. Especially since it happened in Oklahoma City and not some bigger, more well-known place like New York City, Boston, L.A., Chicago or Miami. Tom said the nearest federal building to us is miles away, but it sure reinforces the fact that we’re just not safe anywhere.

We still want a child, but it made me wonder once again if the joys and rewards of having a child are worth all the risks. No one can protect them 24 hours a day. Even Tammy said how it pisses her off that kids in school have to be taught how to defend themselves against guns when they should be learning their ABCs and 2+2=4. I can almost bet you, though, that the kids who were killed had great parents. Those who survived probably had assholes for parents.

In an hour and a half, I’ll be chatting with Alex live on AOL. We’re gonna chat for 10-15 minutes, he said, so he doesn’t charge up too much. This will be part of my 5 hours a month, but I’ll have to ask Tom when the billing cycle begins and ends.

Every time a good deal is offered by a phone company, Tom grabs it, so we’re going from Touch One to AT&T. Our monthly bills are $25 - $30 bucks and now we can make twice as many calls for that amount for 6 months. Plus, they’re giving us one free weekend and a $20 check.

Got a letter from Bob today saying Kim and Minnie did get to see him, so he’s happy about that.

Tom’s gonna sleep in here tomorrow night. I don’t think I mentioned how it went last week. The shocking part of it was that when he got into bed a few hours after I did, I never woke up! However, I did after another hour, then went back to bed a couple of hours later. He said it was a great start and great that I didn’t wake up when he got into bed and that I could get back to sleep, even though it took a while. Yeah, it sure helps to not be fuming over constant noisy neighbors who you know are doing it deliberately or who just don’t give a damn.

We got one prank call today for the first time in ages. The person never spoke and hung up after a few seconds, but someone was definitely there. The caller made a slight breathing sound that made me think of Nervous, but why would he bother after all this time? We don’t live alone and close by with no lives and I believe his obsession’s long over. If it was him, then maybe he got bored, broke up with Crystal, and just decided to see if I was still here for curiosity’s sake. I doubt it was Fran cuz he would’ve said something. Or had someone else talk. I still can’t believe what a good boy he’s been, but I would believe it if every handful of months he tries calling as if nothing ever happened and as if we’ve been great friends all along. I wonder if he calls Nervous. He’s local and I know there have been guys as well as females he’s called for years.

The guy next door is on his way out again. After the mail came, I went out to see if any packages were left outside. Both dogs were tied to their trees and there was Lenore. She told me that the dog was not even theirs and that the owner’s picking it up in a few days. Yes!! Thank you, God! She said the reason they were out front was cuz they exterminated the back area.

Anyway, she really is a sweet person and if things continue to go cool I might leave her a note saying: I’ll understand if you’re busy, but feel free to ring the doorbell if you want to chat or have coffee, as I’m home a lot, too. We’ll see in a few weeks to a month.

Well, I’m gonna go do word search puzzles till it’s time to go online with Alex.

What a depressing, scary, and sickening day this has been. I’ll start with the petty stuff that’s quite minor first, compared to the biggie that’s going on elsewhere.

For about an hour next door today, I was really damn close to going over there and saying, “Look. I appreciate your keeping the kids down, but I refuse to be compensated with that new dog of yours!”

I can be controlled and have to make sacrifices within normal and acceptable reasons by family and friends, but not someone else’s dog. I’m not gonna sit by and be forced to wait till it adjusts and becomes like their other dog. I want so bad to live in a house where if a neighbor gets a dog we won’t know about it. Just cuz it may be better than their other one which went off round the clock and just cuz it may be better than hearing the kids doesn’t mean I’ll deal with its daily half-hour to 1½-hour of adjustment bullshit. All the more so when I’m in my room trying to read, write, or whatever.

I finished copying this year’s horoscopes. I also typed quite a bit of 83.

Tom will be home in a little over a half-hour, so I’ll write about the federal building that was bombed in Oklahoma City and why it both pisses me off and scares me, sometime later on.

Thankfully I hardly ever heard their new puppy today. On Tom’s way into the garage, he said he saw it and they also still have that other one. He also said the kids were out, but shockingly I never heard a peep out of them. Fine with me. I only heard that dog twice this morning for a couple of seconds. Out back it was really faint, but it was much louder as I was heading into the bathroom. This tells me they must be keeping it in their carport, cuz if their living room window was open and it was there, I’d hear all those kids, too.

Tom’s job’s looking more promising. Meaning, he just may be able to stay there. That’d be great.

I sent Alex a message a couple of days ago about us chatting live today at 3 PM my time. However, there was a message left from him today saying he’d be in Lesbianville. (Northampton) So I zapped a reply back suggesting 10 PM my time on Thursday night, so we’ll see what he says about it.

No mail for me today, and Tom “predicts” I won’t get that CD. I had an unfortunate feeling about that too, cuz I really want it bad. If I didn’t care about it that much - no problem.

Speaking of CDs, boy did I make a shocking discovery today! Back when I lived out on Bell Rd., I got 3 CDs from this same company. One of them was pretty sucky, so I tossed it aside and have ignored it ever since. Well, I hadn’t begun listening to oldies stations till the winter of ‘93 or so. This song by the Chi-Lites that I’d never heard of before called Have You Seen Her is a song I came to like. I requested it 6 months before we were married, dedicating it to my fiancée who Tom was at the time. I never caught the very beginning of it on tape, though, cuz they talked over it. So, a few months ago I retaped it, catching a little more of the beginning. Then, today I picked up that CD and there it was! Hell, I’ve had this song for nearly two years, maybe a little more, and I never fucking knew it!

Can’t think of anything else at the moment and I got up at 6:30 AM, so I won’t be up more than a couple more hours or so.

I have lots to write about, so I’ll get on with it now. Last Saturday Tom trimmed that ¼” off my hair which is really on its way to getting a lot healthier.

Sunday was when we were out for 4½ hours or so. First, we cruised around Camelback Mountain. I filmed as he drove.

Then we went to a 50s cafe where a very friendly butch waited on us.

Lastly, it was off to the racetrack where we stood for two races. First, we betted on an important race in Kentucky which they showed throughout the place on TV screens. Then they paraded the horses around a small circular area for the people to see. Then they returned with their jockeys riding them. Cuz racehorses are high-strung, they’re led by calmer non-racing horses I’d call “the tranquilizers” to keep them calm. They galloped to the other side of the track to warm up. A few minutes later they’d race. They race a different group of 6-12 horses every 15 minutes.

Tom taught me a few things. A quarter horse is trained to accelerate really fast to chase down any runaway horses. These races consisted of fillies and mares. A filly’s a female horse under 5. A mare is a female horse over 5.

We betted $2 on a few tickets but had no real luck. We also got soda and popcorn there and I got a huge gumball.

I forgot to mention the biorhythm charts we got printed out from a machine for 50¢ at that cafe. It gives you your levels between low, good, and high in luck, romance, creativity, health, sex, ambition, endurance, finance, friendship, and leisure plans. Tom’s was higher than mine overall.

Later...

The kids next door are still barely noticeable. The only thing I hear is their van coming and going, but I don’t know if they still have that red van. I haven’t seen it lately. I saw some other weird-looking truck over there. I also wonder if they got another dog. Every now and then I hear some weird howling. Sometimes it’s really low, others really high. Amazingly, I don’t think anyone was there this weekend, but it was Easter, so that’s probably why.

I wonder if my parent’s flag catalog will come today. I wish the CD would get here earlier, but I doubt it. It probably won’t be here for another 2-3 weeks. I totally lost track of when my first puzzle book is due to arrive, but I’ve still got about 80 or so here to do. Yesterday I did about 50.

Yup, this journal’s surely gonna last an extremely long time.

I did some singing earlier as well as copied in more horoscopes. I’m up to mid-October now. It’s been a while since I’ve edited or worked on my story but I wanted to get the horoscopes out of the way first.

Later...

Tom will be home in about an hour. In a half-hour from now, I’ll start dinner. I’m gonna make us pork chops and tater tots.

Tomorrow’s my curse and it’s nice to know I only feel it physically and not mentally. The only thing I feel is a little sluggish due to this damn weather. It’s been a lot like New England. It’s really damn chilly and once again I’ve got my portable heater on. This shit started yesterday and it’s gonna stay like this till the weekend. Last night we had major wind and rain.

I worked on something else I’ve been putting on hold also and typed up more of 83.

Anyway, today’s a good day in the way that I’m glad we’ve got no kid now.

Tom’s home. I’ll finish later.

Later...

Anyway, as I was saying, this disgusting weather which has me feeling rather energyless makes me glad Tom’s “feeling” will be wrong. He feels I’ll get pregnant between May - July. This is almost getting funny. As July’s on its way out, he’ll tell me it’ll be between August - October.

He came home with groceries, then left to get louvers which are supposed to go up on the roof to prevent the air in here from going out the vents and through the cooler on the roof. Two places didn’t have them and one was closed, so he came home and threw some wood in. He also fired up the wall heater in the back room.

There goes that whining dog again and it is next door and it isn’t the dog they’ve always had. I’ve been hearing this on and off all day. What? Is this what I’m gonna get instead of the kids? Well, it may be better, but no way! I believe I’ve heard this for 3 days now and if it keeps up, they’re getting another letter.

Later...

I just asked Tom if he thought they got a new dog and he said yes, but don’t worry cuz it’ll stop barking sooner than the other one did when they moved in. He said the other one may have died and older dogs tend to bark more and for longer when moved to a new environment. This one sounds like a scared puppy and it barks, or whines I should say, for only a few minutes an hour. That other one was 24/7 when they first got here. Well, I do understand and feel it’ll stop soon. If not, I’ll take care of it. How the hell can they afford this, though, with so many people to feed? As I said before, this is probably why they’re all crammed into a tiny house. Where have they got this dog? It’s definitely not out back, so it’s got to be in their living room and they always have their windows open. With all that body heat, they probably don’t need any heat on now. It’s amazing that I can’t hear the kids scream cuz they’re even louder than the dog. Fine with me, though.

Later...

Tom’s going to bed now and I am going to repolish my pitiful-looking nails. I’ll be back to write later on.

Yesterday we went to Turf Paradise. It's definitely not something I'd ever really be into in a big way, but it was still fairly interesting. He showed me around the place first. There was a little gift shop, places to eat, and stuff like that. We went to the top of the bleachers and the view was pretty nice. Actually, I'm not really in the mood to write at this time, so I'll write all about Turf Paradise and the filming we did some other time.

I talked with my dad yesterday. He’s sending me a catalog of all their flags. He’s going up north on May 1st. I teased him about part of their motto and said, “You said if you don’t have it, you can get it, so where’s my flag of Gloria?”

He said he’d go by the old neighborhood and see who lives there. I told him he could give them a certain finger.

He thought the fingerspelling font was cool.

Later...

It sure isn’t too easy writing in this book in bed. I’ll get used to it, though.

I finally got around to making a GYN appointment. I’ll have to go for that on May 24th.

I laid out back for a while as I read my book. I scrubbed the kitchen floor and typed letters to Kim, Bob, and my parents. I called Tammy who was about to leave for the weekend to go see Bill at his hotel. I let her know I have 6 songs on their way to her.

Let’s see…what else did I do? I sang and copied more horoscopes. I haven’t attempted to put music to any of my lyrics yet, but maybe I will soon.

When I go to type up this journal, I wonder how easy, or even possible it’ll be to put it on the music stand.

Later...

I just ran out back for a cigarette. The lounge chairs we have out there are not only uncomfortable, but they’re falling apart. We need to get new ones that are comfier.

I just kicked on the radio hoping to catch a goodie. I’m not wasting my time bothering to call in a request cuz they never play it. They say something like, “Yeah, I think we have that song. I think I can get that on for you.” Yeah, right.

There are these two songs by the Sylvers I’d like to have, but I haven’t heard them yet. A while back they played Best of My Love by the Emotions. It was like their one hit. I used to love that song so much. My cousin Lisa and I would play that 45 a lot at each other’s house.

HA! HA! HA! Some girl just called and requested Blue Bayou by Linda Ronstadt. The DJ said, “Sure,” but he’s playing Hurt So Bad, instead. Yup, they really know what they’re doing at this station.

It has been so wonderfully peaceful with the kids next door. I hope it stays this way!

The reason why I made a GYN appointment is cuz no matter what he says and no matter what my song says about the word “never,” I know I’ll never have a kid. So, putting off the appointment until I get pregnant is just a fantasy. If I did that, I’d never see a GYN again in my life. It’s still important for me to get regular check-ups, as much as I hate to, and Tom and I know all is fine.

Awesome! They just played YMCA which I taped.

Tomorrow Tom and I are gonna go to the racetrack. We’re also gonna explore the chat line on AOL, and it’s time for him to take and trim ¼” of my hair. I’m not sure what else we’re gonna do.

He’s not sure if he’s gonna end up staying at Bank of America. He says there are too many people and too little work.

Today I’m gonna make the GYN appointment I’m late for. It’s only once a year, so I may as well get it over with.

Right now I’m feeling typical PMS dullness and blues.

There are a few things I want to bring up and say to Tom. However, I’m afraid he’ll feel pressured and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. Meaning that I don’t want him to think I’m being selfish, trying to change him or have him please only me. If he had a request of me, I’d try to do whatever I could for him and I don’t ever want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

It’s not that our relationship is boring in and out of bed and I like the gentleman in him, but why not add even more flair? I want so badly to tell him to be more romantic. This means both of us. I wish he’d be a little more adventurous at times. Not be afraid to grab my butt in public when no one’s looking, not be afraid to grab a quickie in the car in a more secluded parking lot, not be afraid to talk dirty to me more often, etc. I know he knows when to draw the line. One time when we were in the car, I slid my hand on his leg. He said he was a big boy and could wait till he got home. I don’t want him to always be a “big boy.”

I also wish, with no misunderstandings on my part for thinking it’s the real thing, that he’d pretend and say he came occasionally in bed. Cuz even though he’s said and I know it’s not my fault, I know he could have always cum and will always have that choice, I’d still feel more like a real woman who’s doing her job right. It still has me feeling a bit abnormal and different with a low sense of confidence when it comes to how I make him feel sexually.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even hold myself back from cumming to see how it makes him feel. Maybe he’d be able to understand how I feel better. It just seems too hard to do. After being built up and made so horny, I’ve got to be relieved or else I’m so frustrated. I just don’t know how he does it!

Anyway, as I said before, I’m afraid to bring this up to him. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or suggest he get into stuff he doesn’t want to do.

We both admit we do contradict ourselves a lot in the things we say. I also think we should work on improving this and keeping our word if the situation permits it.

Later...

Oh, I feel so much better! I told Tom everything I just wrote about in my last entry and as I should’ve known better, it was no problem. He totally agreed and understood all I said and told me we should never hesitate to make suggestions.

Not much to say today on one of the most unfavorable dates in my life 12 years ago.

No “strange noises” yesterday, thankfully.

To make copying in this year’s horoscopes easier, I called Prodigy and spoke them into my box. One by one I’m copying them in. For the most part, I think they’re way off. Some things they mentioned, I sure hope don’t come true. Some would be nice if they came true. They must’ve gotten bored when they got around to December as they had lines in them from earlier months.

I still don’t always get the difference between the words “effect” and “affect.”

Believe it or not, the scale said I was 97 pounds. I feel it and feel like I look smaller, but according to my measurements, I’m still the same. Still, I say it’s nice to be like this 6 days before my period. In a few more days or so, the water, tenderness, and constipation will hit.

It’s hard for me, especially at this time of the month, to remain realistic. How do I convince myself that no matter how much Tom says he wants a kid he’s never gonna cum and we’re never gonna have a kid? How do I accept this? What will make it easier for me? I’ve got to find a way to accept and deal with it, otherwise my life’s gonna be much harder than it needs to be or should be.

I’ll be damned if I’ll try praying again. Not after what happened, even though I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for it. Besides, the bulk of me still doesn’t believe in it.

Boy, have I got a major project for this journal!

Before I get into it, though, I’ll write about an experience I had early yesterday morning that really freaked me out. It was freaky, weird, and even scary. At about 8 AM, I decided to chat with God once again. I laid down in bed, turned the fan on, turned the lights off and shut the bedroom door. I first began to say, “I want to believe in Your existence and a lot of the time I do. However, how do I know You’re not just a myth? A made-up character cuz most people want to believe in a higher power that’s good. However, I need a sign that You can at least hear me, if not understand me and help me with my requests. Something not too freaky, but would let me know You’re there and you hear me.”

The next thing I know I hear a sound that’s quite hard to describe. I believe it came from near the bedroom door. That’s the first place I looked towards anyway. It scared the shit out of me and I froze in sheer terror. I ran and checked the house out, but all was fine and locked up tight. It wasn’t windy out, so I don’t think anything could’ve blown against the house. It sounded like a knock/tapping that had a creakiness to it. The closest place and type of sound that I can describe it as is a knock on my bedroom door.

Tom suggested a test by knocking on the front door. Nope. Way too soft. I was so spooked out that I slept on the couch.

Anyway, perhaps I’ll never really know for sure what that sound was and if it was a coincidence with a logical explanation or a true sign from God. Tom said that if it was God - why be afraid of Him? I’m not, but that sudden, unexpected, unknown sound sure scared me. Maybe if it was really Him, He figured that freaking me out and scaring me was the only way to give me that sign I asked for. Well, I sure as hell won’t ask for a sign again! It was too creepy!

Tom disagreed with one other theory I had. I asked if he could be mad at me for wanting more than the wonderful things I’ve already got and Tom said no.

I got two letters today. A finger-spelling one from Alex. I read it OK, but it was too small. I got one from Kim today too, on really nice stationery with multicolored lines. She loved her fingerspelling letter and said to send more anytime.

Now for my project. I copied horoscopes off of Prodigy to copy in here, but shit! It took nearly two hours to do April and May. I thought it’d be neat to have a “book of horoscopes.” I don’t know how far I’ll go with this, meaning, how long. Maybe be a few months, maybe the whole year of 1995. The whole rest of the year would be nice. If I do decide to do that much and end up needing a few more pages from another journal for it, I’ll use #91.

A jackpot for Andy too, cuz I had to copy these down somewhere first. I copied them onto a notepad. One of my old Barbie ones my parents sent me when I first came here. Andy will love it cuz he loves passing notes out. In stores, restaurants, people’s cars, etc.

I’m 98 pounds! Wow! Just when I was feeling like a fat blimp. I have been exercising, though. Wait till I get closer to my period on the 18th. Then I’ll be feeling it as I bulk out with water.

Where the hell is that weirdo next door going at this hour? And does he ever sleep?

Anyway, I just got done reading some of the book I’m reading. Gonna do some editing now.

First of all, though, Tom liked my songs and gave me the feedback I asked for. He rated The Strangers are Waiting an 8½, Visions a 5, and Dreams Are Not Enough a 7. However, he says we can rewrite Dreams Are Not Enough to be a 9. He showed me his ideas about it and I liked it much better.

Well, I’ve known Tom for two years as of today. God, that’s amazing!

Anyway, what my parents sent wasn’t a card or a letter. It was a newspaper article with a picture of my dad in it holding one of the flags they sell. Apparently, a law was passed, then tossed out, about businesses putting up flags that’d make the place look like a circus. It never was intended, though, to stop people from decorating their homes. This would’ve also meant bad business for them and as I said in a letter I typed them, people should have the right to decorate as they wish and not be controlled.

I jokingly asked Dad how much he was paid for his modeling contract. Also, I’d use the search mode to make sure I didn’t leave the letter ‘l’ out of the word flags.

I had a discussion earlier with Tom on how I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for reasons why he doesn’t cum. I said, first it was my attitude, then certain things I’d wear that don’t create tan lines as he likes, then my talk of getting pregnant. Next, how do I know it won’t be cuz I have red nail polish on or whatever? He reassured me it was not my fault and that I can’t control his dick, but that I should control, worry, and take care of myself and give him the benefit of the doubt. Meaning, wear what I want and don’t worry about him. Another example he gave me was when he said he doesn’t believe in premonitions and vibes but doesn’t try to change my opinion of it. In other words, it’s OK for me to believe he could’ve always cum at any time, but don’t throw it up in his face and challenge it. The man has a point. How do I really know for sure what’s on his mind about what he says about not cumming? I should do unto him as I expect him to do unto me. He takes me for face value, gives me the benefit of the doubt, lets me think and feel as I please, and doesn’t tell me what to wear and do. This excludes if he says - Jodi can you please get me a soda? Or - can I help you decide what to wear occasionally?

There are times when I like and ask him to pick out outfits for me. I know he appreciates all the little things I do for him, and that to him they’re big things that all add up. Still, I sometimes feel slow, stupid, and inadequate cuz I love him so much that all the more I want to be able to make him happy. I know it’s harder for me to wait for certain things, whether or not they’ll happen. He said I accepted waiting for a dishwasher easier, for example, but to me, that’s cuz it’s a material thing and those are easier to wait for.

Later...

I am in a lazy mood as I begin this journal.

Getting back to our earlier conversation about acceptance. He was saying I was getting worse at not accepting some things I can’t have right now, as I did with the dishwasher. The dishwasher is a material thing, but I would just totally love to be able to do that with the singing and the kid as easily as it is to say so. I want to be able to say to myself that if I can ever have a kid, I can’t have one now, and if I can, it’ll possibly be months from now or maybe even a few years. People don’t normally get pregnant just like that.

I should’ve known him better and I should’ve known that when he said I’d be pregnant soon, maybe he really did think that and that he wasn’t knowingly, intentionally, and deliberately trying to lead me on or play with my head.

I cooked up some spag and potatoes earlier, so I think I’ll go chow down now. I also typed a letter to my folks as well as one for Kim and one for her to mail to Doug. Soon, after eating, I may do some editing, work on my story, do puzzles, or whatever. I also have my library book to read. Maybe I’ll call the radio station and see if I can request a few songs.

Later...

I got the bandages off, so why am I still getting headaches? They’re not serious and painful, but they’re annoying. It can’t be my hair. My hair’s not that long anymore.

Yes! Guess what I’m getting in the mail in 3-4 weeks? Well, it’s a club that’s even better than Columbia House and BMG for music. It operates a little differently, less pushy. I saw a commercial for a CD called Sounds of the 70s. They had several songs I love on it. I called for it under a fake name and every month or every other month they automatically send you a CD making it very convenient for you to send it back if you don’t want it.

I’m in the mood to write till Andy calls me around 2:00, but I just can’t think of anything to write about to fill up these last 12 pages.

Oh, yeah - I figured out the intro to that Abba song for Andy. I left it on his machine. He left me a message all psyched up about it saying I’ve got it and he can’t believe how I figured it out so fast. Especially when I hate the song to begin with. He had just come in from work and said he was gonna watch his soaps while I was checking out that movie. He’ll probably call in 15 minutes to a half-hour.

Later...

I talked with Andy for a little over an hour. He called that 800# and ordered that same 70s CD under a bogus name.

God, this journal just is never gonna end! It feels like it’s a 300-page one. That big one I got has 160 pages in it, but it’ll be like 320. Double. When I was writing the two middle pages in it, I mentioned seeing ones with spiral binders on them to make it easier to write closer to the center of the book. I may get one someday, now that they don’t only have them in soft covers. I had an idea for if I get one, but am not sure if it’s a good one or worth it. That would be to detach its pages which can easily be done. Then, set the margins on the computer to fit the print on its pages. Type and print its pages, then buy some of those reinforcers to reattach them with.

Later...

I’m starting to tire down but I hope to see Tom before I conk out. If not, he’s off this weekend.

Lately, the thought of having a kid is like - ugh! I love it and wish it were like this all the time. I know, however, I’ll probably have my moments when I want one here and there throughout my life. I don’t think either Tom or myself will ever get serious about trying to get me pregnant no matter what we say. I think we both know that we’re so busy, we have plans, aren’t rich, and want each other with no one in the way. This is regardless of my probable sterility and his never cumming.

I had told him, and even he said any time’s good for him to move into my room. He’s been stalling and I’m so glad about it. I mean, I share the rest of the house with him and everything else. I want my own space and room. I don’t want his snoring and movements constantly waking me up any more than I want a screaming kid to. I want so much to say to him, “Look. I want my own room. Even lovers who get along 99% of the time need their own space and we’re not having a kid.”

However, I’m afraid this would hurt his feelings. Maybe not, though, cuz why isn’t he in here? It was gonna be after the December surgery, then after the last one. If he really wanted to, he’d be in here and he could’ve made the time. I’m not gonna bring it up and I sure hope he doesn’t.

Deadly Game is about to come on with Norah in it, so I’m writing and doing puzzles while it’s on.

Earlier yesterday morning I talked to my parents and let them know about my ear.

Before Tom went to his first day of work at Bank of America (not Bank One), he surprised me with a letter in fingerspelling. He had said he’d do one for me when I did one for him and I really didn’t think he would. I put it in my binder with all my other letters.

Tom said he really enjoyed his first day of work. He said the work was easy and we really hope all continues to go well and that he ends up staying there.

Tomorrow after work we’re probably gonna go out and get that large journal I mentioned before.

I renewed my library book today.

We have sex more often which is good. We screwed earlier where he gets hard and I get off. I have a feeling more and more and am pretty sure he’ll never cum. Not by this June. Not by next June. It’s his choice, though.

I wonder if he’s read any more of my story? I doubt it with how busy he’s been. I never feared him reading any of the journals I typed up for two reasons. One, he’s too busy. Two, I don’t think someone’s past is of interest to most people. We’re mainly your typical kind of people who live for today as well as the future.

Later...

I got a reply from Alex at AOL. He mentioned us chatting live on their chat line. Last night Tom mentioned setting that up for me, too. Maybe this weekend, but Tom will have to help me through it the first time around, cuz I have no idea what to even do.

Earlier Tom and I went out to get that big 8x11½ journal. At least I think that’s what it said its size was. The cover’s really pretty and I can’t believe it was only $12. I wrote the two middle pages with no paragraphs. It looked cool seeing so much writing all crammed together in one area where you could see the whole thing. I also got a regular journal, too.

Tomorrow night we may be going to his parent’s house. Ma’s sister Neva (Geneva) is in for a month or so from Michigan. She wanted to escape the shitty weather and ice storms they were having there. Also, she wants to meet me and I haven’t seen my in-laws since that Christmas get-together. No. The last time was when Steven, Carol, and her son were there from California. This was sometime last January, I believe.

Andy had wanted me to figure out the intro to an Abba song and I just did. I’ll teach it to him in person.

That movie called Appointment with Death is taping right now. When it started I saw Norah. Her clothes were plain rather than pitiful like I thought they might be since this movie’s set in the 1930s. It’s an Agatha Christy mystery. Her face looks alright but her hair’s too short. She definitely looked the best in The Guardian and second-best in Hold the Dream.

Yesterday was my dad’s 64th birthday. I tried calling on and off all day but got no answer. At 11:00 last night, I left a message on his machine. They’re now 3 hours ahead of us once again.

Kim called again today to tell me about Doug’s reaction to the letter I sent him. It looks as if I may have forgotten to mention that. I sent a wacky letter to his PO box in Vernon, CT. Kim says he thinks it’s a guy writing a woman who had his PO box before him. He just recently got this PO Box. I’m gonna write a letter to her to send to him and then she’ll spill the beans on him, as she put it, and let him in on the joke.

I also heard from Kim the same thing that Andy heard from his friend Mary. Just when they thought they’d have an easy winter (and they did) and thought spring was coming, they had a huge snowstorm and are absolutely freezing! HAHA.

A while back I had begun to put contact paper down on some of the kitchen shelves, ran out, and never finished it. So Tom picked up a few rolls and I did the remaining shelves and drawers.

Tom got a temporary job that he hopes becomes permanent if he likes it. I hope he likes it cuz they start off at $9 an hour and have good benefits. It’s Monday-Friday, 7 AM-4 PM at Bank One. It’s doing office work which is kind of new to him, using computers and word processing.

We spent around $200 today. We got a new lamp and other stuff we needed. A lamp for the back room, I meant to say, and $100 went for getting him 4 new shirts, 2 ties, socks, and undershirts.

Tomorrow we have to renew my library book.

I have so much to do. There are still journals to be typed up and my story to work on, editing to be done, letters to be typed, as well as other shit. Andy wants me to try to figure out the intro to an Abba song on the keyboard and teach it to him. I’ve also had some lyrics for new songs going through my head here and there, so soon I’ll see what I can get down on paper.

I can’t believe how long this journal’s been running. It’s the longest one since 42 back in the fall of ‘93, but I’m out of here for now.

I can’t sleep yet, so I figured I’d write before I got too backed up. My ear is itching now and driving me nuts. Right in the hole, so that oughta be a good enough sign that it’s healing well. Tomorrow’s the big day! Can’t wait to get these bandages off.

Two days ago Tom got that fingerspelling font from AOL. It is so cool. I wish I got it long ago. I sent letters with it to Alex, Kim, Tammy and my parents. For Tammy and my parent’s letters, I wrote out the words for them, naturally.

We replaced the kitchen faucet which is great. No more leaking or having a hard time turning it off.

Our living room ceiling fan died, so he had one at his parents’ house with a light that he brought over.

His ma gave me a plastic placemat with all kinds of drawings of cactuses on it and their names. I tacked it up over the sink.

Later...

No more bandages!! What a relief to get those off. Then to come home and shower and wash my hair. Dr. Nielsen said my new outer graft looked great as well as the inner ear and graft on my arm. How does it look to me? I am really amazed and impressed. It really doesn’t look much different than before. It just looks shorter. I really was afraid it’d be quite gross and discolored. It’s not reddish and black like before. The hearing still isn’t like the good ear, but it is better than before and the hole is wide open. He could touch and wiggle it all over which normally would’ve been excruciating. It was great to listen to my stereo with the big headphones. I’m gonna be able to lay very comfortably on that ear. Nothing he did today hurt at all. He even said he was pleased with how calm I was.

I called and told Tammy all about it and tomorrow I’ll be calling my parents.

Got a letter from Bob today and I’ll let him and everyone else know that everything’s great. I mean, really. Good riddance to the frame, which as Dr. Nielsen said, was my problem all along. I will be forever grateful to both Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Joganic. It’s amazing how I had that discomfort and pain for 6 years and how this man put an end to it in 15 minutes. Then as a bonus, Dr. Nielsen gave me hearing.

He said I could remove the bandage on my graft today and I did. This summer I may also not necessarily have to swim with a bathing cap.

Tom’s gone to a job fair and I’m very tired now. Whenever I fall asleep it’ll be for a long time. I need it and haven’t gotten much sleep with all this on my mind.

Yes, I still want a kid, but after this, I’m glad it’ll be a long time (if ever) before I have to deal with that. There’s no comparison between all this ear stuff I’ve been through and having a kid. Having a kid is a million times more painful with a million more problems. One after another for life. Anyway, getting pregnant is hardly anything I need to worry about. In the meantime, I shall surely enjoy my freedom and how much better I feel.

I go back to Dr. Nielsen on April 24 and May 15. I don’t need to ever see Dr. Joganic.

Well, two more days and counting very, very slowly. Can’t wait to get these bandages off!

Tom got a new faucet to replace our old one in the kitchen. The one we have now leaks and is hard to turn on and off.

The weather’s been nice and they’ve been such sweethearts next door. When I was sitting out there, I told myself, you know on such a beautiful day like today, they’d be screaming on and off if you didn’t write that letter. Thank God it worked, as I really had my doubts. I wish I wrote it a long time ago.

I talked with both Tammy and Larry today. Larry was very tired when I called, so we didn’t talk for long. All he really said was that the visit with Tammy was boring, he heard half the tape, liked it, and will call soon.

Tom also got 3 more tape dispensers, parts for the cigarette machine, a new fluorescent bulb, and something you plug the refrigerator into that’s supposed to save money.

I’m sure there’ll always be a part of me that will want a kid, but there are some things that turn me off about it the more I think of it. And this isn’t just the things I always said that scared me about it like the lack of sleep, etc. This may sound funny, but at the same time I believe Tom wants a kid, I believe more and more that he may be doing more than trying to drive patience into me. I believe he may be leading me on, but time will tell. I have so many different theories, that I’m not sure which one, if any, could be right. Maybe he really doesn’t want a kid but doesn’t want to let me down or say so. Maybe he does and doesn’t want one. I feel that way a lot. I definitely don’t believe he can’t cum or that he came last winter. He’s even admitted this, even if in an indirect way. Not with the way he’s “always so close.” There’s always an excuse, too. He’s tired, he’s sick, his back hurts, his hip, etc. He’s 37, not 87. If he’s truly playing a game with me, what’s he gonna do when he can no longer play it? Other than Kim, I know he has and would tell lies pertaining to sex. If this is how he feels, then I don’t want to have a kid with him. I don’t want to play any games, or for either of us to keep kidding ourselves. I kidded myself about a woman, about singing, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna kid myself with no baby. If he doesn’t cum by June, then he’s gonna say the same things he’s said about it since day one. He’s “going to.” Anytime now. He’ll be cumming in no time. Same thing with the kid. It’s gone from having one in November to conceiving in March, then April, and now it’s within the year. Well, I’m not gonna play this game every year, he can fuck having a kid for all I care and either speak up about what’s really on his mind or quit fooling the both of us!

Later...

When we were laying in bed one time he said it’d be best for me to cum first when we’re screwing. Then, I had said that if he came first he could always go down on me to get me off. He said he wouldn’t do that with his cum down there. Well, if he really came last winter like he said he did, then why should he worry when he doesn’t discharge anything? He’s slipping and his own game is catching up to him. If he wants to hold back and spare me the mess, the smell of bleach, more power to him. I’ll be damned if I’ll blame myself for his choice. This doesn’t turn me off from being his wife. I love the man to death and I always want to be with him, but it certainly turns me off of the idea of a kid. I think we have enough going on now in our lives and should keep things as they are for the most part. If he doesn’t tell me, only time will tell me what’s going through his head. I can thoroughly believe anything he tells me, but not anything pertaining to sex or a kid.