Not much to report at this time. I was watching TV, then I layered my bangs. Now I’m gonna hang out here in my room and read so I can hear if that weirdo starts hammering so I can jump on the phone and give him a piece of my mind.

I went another 24 hours with no Theodur last Sunday. I hope they call soon, though, about setting a time to see Dr. Rauche. Or Roushe. Or however the hell you spell it.

I spoke to Andy at his new apartment. Diana read the little journal I wrote to him for his birthday last February.

Tomorrow night Andy and Diana are going to see Melissa Ethridge in concert, then they’ll be stopping over here to get their stuff. I mean Andy’s soaps, the Judds movie, the backup edit tapes, and the pad I wrote this year’s horoscopes in.

Later...

No hammering at all last night as I finished my library book.

The red van of theirs is there, so if Lenore and the kids went to Idaho, they didn’t go in the van. Personally, I wouldn’t trust that piece of shit outside of Phoenix. Also, I think I may have heard one of those kids wailing.

As Tom was leaving for work this horrible smell of rotten eggs woke me up just as I was knocking off. The cooler does that when the water gets stale, but I said, that’s impossible! He just put the cleaner in that takes away that smell. Then when I came out of my room I realized it was coming from the bathroom, so I thought he had a serious stomach problem. Later he told me he treated the clogged drain.

I wonder if we’ll screw around today. For some reason, I doubt it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was too tired to screw and only wanted to go down there which is fine, but I’m not stupid, either. We didn’t screw around yesterday either, and the opportunity was there, too. I have a feeling that we won’t be screwing until this weekend. It’s his choice, though. He says we can have a kid, we want a kid and we don’t have to wait. Well, it takes two to make a baby, so he’ll just have to put his actions where his mouth is.

Got a letter from Andy and Diana today which she wrote. It was cool and she has nice handwriting. Andy said I could send her a letter and she’ll write back.

No package from mom and dad yet. I was right in sensing it wouldn’t come today.

I was also right, unfortunately, on sensing I’d have to tape Andy’s soaps tomorrow and Friday, too. The cable guy fucked up.

I had a weird, yet wonderful memory last night. It’s not that it’s something I forgot all about. I just hardly ever remember it. I believe I was 9 and it was definitely the summer I went to the first of the two camps I got kicked out of in Maine. The second one was Camp Meadowlark, but this was Camp Naomi. The memories are very vague, few, and quick. There was this one camp counselor that I was special to. She was probably somewhere in her 20s back then. I don’t even remember her name, but for some reason, the name Robin comes to mind. I can’t see her face or any of her in detail. If I had to guess, though, I’d say she was thin, average height, medium complexion, with brown eyes and hair. Her hair was maybe shoulder length and she may have had a plain face.

I may have had a vague memory of playing volleyball when she was around. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how many times I saw her.

I stood in a rectangular cabin. There were about two rows on opposite sides of the two longer walls with maybe 8-10 beds on each side. I remember stealing the barrette that belonged to the girl in the bed next to me. That was one of the reasons I got kicked out. I’m sure it was mainly cuz I was the hyper, obnoxious, little rebellious kid I usually was. I hated camp.

One night, though, I guess most of us kids were having trouble sleeping, including me. I remember lots of coughing going on, so maybe some kids had colds. Then there she was by my bed telling me, “Go to sleep before I kiss you all over” (not sexual of course; just playful). She might have said something about tickling me, too.

The next thing I remember, I was taken to her cabin. It was very small with 2 twin beds and a little kitchenette. I’m not sure if there was a bathroom in there, but there probably was, and a shower stall, too. She had a medium-sized dog. A mutt with 2 or 3 colors of brown. All I really remember is talking her to sleep. We were laying on our beds that were a few feet apart and I was yacking away as usual. I remember she fell asleep, then I guess I did right after.

The next morning, I think she cooked us breakfast. Maybe bacon and eggs. I think this was also the day my dad would be picking me up.

The last memory I have of her is of us in the woods with her dog. I remember being amazed at how she’d hide and the dog would always find her. Then she said, “I’ve got a present for you.”

It was a Polaroid of the dog. I ditched it when I was around 22, though.

Then I think I was waiting nervously for my dad, knowing how pissed and disappointed at me he’d be. I think I was alone with her and I might have said something like, “What am I gonna do till my dad arrives?”

She might have picked me up and spun me in the air playfully and said, “You’re gonna stay with me!”

We were outside by the office, possibly sitting on a bench or wherever. Then she was crying as Dad drove up and I got in the car and was gone.

Throughout the years I always got the feeling that if at that second no one ever wanted to have anything to do with me, she would’ve taken me in and been so good to me as I grew up. I would’ve been good, too. I always respected those who were good to me and therefore stayed out of trouble.

To the best of my knowledge, this woman wasn’t married and had no kids. I have no idea what she did regularly or where she lived. Did she live in Maine or some other New England state? For all I know she could be living right here in Phoenix. I thought about trying to look for her shortly after I went out on my own, but I wouldn’t have known where to begin.

Who was she? Why was I so special to her? Did I remind her of someone? Why did she treat me so well when no one else there wanted to deal with me or even acknowledge my existence? Does she ever think of me and wonder who, what, and where I am today? I guess I’ll never know.

Tom and I had fun swimming after he came home and ate, but we didn’t screw around.

Where in the world has Alex been? I guess he’s busy with the move to Vermont cuz I haven’t heard from him by AOL in a couple of weeks. Since we had our last live chat anyway.

I’m kind of sunburned today. So even though the pool is at a very comfy temperature in the mid-80s, I’m gonna take a break from being out in the sun for a couple of days.

I forgot to mention a couple of past events. Last Sunday Tom attached the mirror that goes to the vanity table. He did a great job. It’s nice and sturdy and stands perfectly upright.

Also, Andy’s become good friends with his neighbor Pam, who’s on disability. He’s really changed with time. Even he admits that he was very selfish and insensitive the first year or two after we met up. Back then, I’d be wary about discussing a headache with him, knowing he’d freak out about it. But now, I could talk to him about anything and he’d listen and try to cheer me up. A lot of people are afraid of stuff they don’t know about or understand and he was afraid of those with disabilities, be it physical or mental, but now he’s not so afraid and paranoid. There are always gonna be Ellies and Frans out there, but he knows not all people on SS or SSI are fucked up. Here’s the funny part of it, though. When we first met up, he called my mother and asked her if he should be afraid I’d go after him with a knife or something like that. Well, he said to me regarding Pam, “I didn’t even call her mother to ask if she were dangerous or anything like that!”

I just got done recording his soaps for today and am gonna tape them again tomorrow. Hopefully, the cable will then be set up, as he was told it would be. He’s already got his new number which is easy to remember.

As for the games we got off of AOL, there are some really cool ones. We got more for his parents that I don’t like, like crossword games and cryptograms.

Here are the ones which he put in my world which are really growing. I mean, when I first got into this computer I had only about 4 things in my world. There’s a kitty puzzle, a connect the dot game, and a telephone game where you make words out of the numbers on the phone pad. There’s also a sliding number game where you have to put numbers in order from 1-15 on a square board. Meaning, 3 rows of 4 numbers, then the 13, 14 & 15 on the bottom. I also have a quilt game where you have to match a sample quilt design. Lastly, concentration games which I’ve always liked. One of them is with a deck of cards. Another is with colors that you have to match.

Guess what next door was doing on and off last night from 12:30 to about 2:00 in the morning? Hammering away. I wasn’t pissed cuz I was awake, and if I’d been asleep, the fan would’ve drowned it out, but that’s really rude! It was distracting, though, cuz I was trying to read, but I was mainly worried and pissed off for Tom. He did get woken up but said it was no big deal cuz it’d be only once in a blue moon that he’d be hammering at that hour. (I hope!) He said he thinks the wife and kids split to Idaho and this is why he’s catching up on home repair. That makes sense cuz you can’t get much done or accomplished with kids around. I know they practically never sleep, but that’s still really rude and selfish. I don’t know if they’ve gone to Idaho, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did and if it was him that was hammering. You see, I never felt that Lenore didn’t care about others’ peace around them; it’s him that’s like most others. He just doesn’t give a damn about those around him. I could always tell that from certain statements. Like when he said the kids might get noisy. And when Lenore said that she told Dean she was worried he’d wake the street up by pounding on the piano in the middle of the night, and when the kids said in their letter to me, Dad keeps opening the windows on the side by our house. Anyway, if it doesn’t happen again, it’s no big deal. If he pounds away tonight then yes, I’m gonna call over there for Tom’s sake, cuz I know Tom would never do shit about it no matter how many nights he was woken up or how pissed he got. If he won’t take care of any problems dumped on him, his loving wife will. I’ve met lots of childless people who were selfish and only cared about themselves, but it seems that people with kids are much worse for the most part. They think that just cuz they have kids, they own the world. They can do anything, and to hell with anyone affected by it.

We screwed around yesterday and like I said before, I made it clear to him that my “middle” was around the 31st and the 1st, so we’ll see if he conveniently avoids me. I was thinking of confusing him for the July period so he’d be thrown off as to when my middle would be then, but then I thought about it. I then realized it doesn’t matter where I am in my cycle. If he doesn’t cum, there’s no way for me to get pregnant if I can. So I said, fuck it. If he really wants a kid, he’ll cum. He’ll either never do so, or he will when he’s ready if he’s truly holding back. What are my guesses as to why he’s holding back? Well, they don’t go with what he’s said at all, but you never really do know if someone’s bullshitting you just to make you happy. Meaning, maybe he doesn’t want one but doesn’t have the heart to tell me and so he says he does want one. Maybe he really doesn’t think I’d be a good mom. Maybe he does fear for me physically and mentally the same way I do. Meaning, about the lack of sleep, the stress, the pain, etc. I know he’s capable of being jealous, so that could be it too, as well as the stuff we’re planning to do, the job change, and shit like that. It could be money. It could be a lot of things he doesn’t tell me, or that he tells me the exact opposite of.

I have a plan that I may have mentioned before that I’m thinking of starting to put into action. I’ll do it around July 1st, plus this is also what he claims will help him. Well, it’ll be hard for me to get used to, but I’ll omit all talk about cumming and having a kid and see if there’s a change in a couple of months or so. I have a very bad feeling, though. One that tells me nothing will ever change with him no matter what I do or do not say. I love this man and I don’t want to leave him, but the more months that pass with no changes makes me wonder what’s really going through his mind about everything and anything. I know the sayings like, life is full of false promises and people don’t always do what they say they’re gonna do, but if I find out for sure, or have a strong sense that he deliberately lied and led me on about a kid or other stuff, it’s gonna make me do some thinking. It would be the point of the matter that may have me thinking about our being together. I hope to God it never comes to that for either of us, but what else would I do or think? When I see that nothing will change month after month as I fear will be the case, what do I do? Stay cuz of how wonderful everything else is? Or leave and call him a head player and a liar? I’d like to think that I’ll be able to say to myself when this time comes, OK, he was never serious about cumming and having that kid, but no one’s perfect. At least all his other qualities are wonderful, if not, almost wonderful, and it’s not worth going off the deep end over and walking away from him. He has given me so much and has taken care of me in so many different ways be it chatting with me, caring for me when I’m sick, and the way he keeps food in this house and buys me journals and stuff like that. All stuff he could say he doesn’t care to buy or to take me to buy. He could’ve never bought me anything, kept barely two bites of food around, pushed me away when I wanted to talk, and never given a damn when I got sick or never dealt with my ear surgery.

I’ve reached the final straw with these mailmen and I called the PO today. I said I’m sick of having mail I sent returned to me that I know isn’t too thick or heavy. And I’m also sick of getting next door’s mail, and I know our mail’s gone elsewhere too. He said he’ll take care of it. Let’s hope so. I know that Irene W would return to us anything that looked important, and she has. I would think Lenore would too, but I don’t know about Dean or any other households.

I got a letter from Bob today and in it, he enclosed a small envelope that he addressed to me and put a stamp on. Well, the PO put a message on it saying something about the envelope not being of standard size. So, I tore the stamp off and put it on an envelope addressed to Kim with another stamp we had here. I put his remaining edit pages in it with a note to her about the problem and asked her to mail it to him. I know she’ll do me the favor and I can count on her. She also sent me a letter today. Deerfield has a new rule and that is that they don’t return letters to the sender that has postage due. In other words, if I send Kim a letter where there’s postage due, she has to pay for it.

The ultrasound I went for didn’t take too long, but I won’t know anything about that or anything else till next week.

I forgot to mention something Dr. Rugg said when she asked me about birth control. I said I wasn’t on any and that Tom didn’t cum. Then she said, “He doesn’t want to?” Then, “Or can’t he?”

Now, why would her first choice be to suggest he didn’t want to?

Something else also crossed my mind the other day for the first time, too. If he has a block about cumming, then why not a block on getting hard, too? He told me he’s relieved by wet dreams which are fine. We all have them. However, it’s a little insulting that that’s his #1 source of relief. Aside from having a kid, I wish he’d show me how much he appreciates me in bed here and there.

I still feel led on and teased about having a kid, but it’s his choice. If he really wants one, he’ll just have to cum, cuz despite what he says or Kim says, I still believe he has total control over it.

Other than that, we’ve had a fun day. We were swimming. We filmed that as well as Piggy swimming. It was really cool to see.

Andy and his roommate Diana brought the chair over. I’m wondering now if that wasn’t a big mistake. The back room’s never gonna be organized and there’s no room for it. Tom did clear out the little room out back, though, so now he’s got more room to work on stuff with. The couch is still here, and that being picked up by Goodwill has been put off like everything around here seems to be.

Tom says that unless he’s got a job interview, he’s gonna get business licenses this Thursday or Friday. Yeah, right! This I’ve got to see.

A movie’s going on soon that I want to see, so I’ll write more later.

Later...

I decided I’d write some more while the movie’s recording. I now only have two more journals to type up.

Last week I recorded myself singing a handful of songs to no music. Tom liked The Sweetest Gift the best. I wasn’t surprised. Nor was I when he said that I sing traditional country the best.

A tune to the song I wrote The Strangers Are Waiting flew into my head. I called Dad and sang a few lines to him cuz I wanted to see if it sounded familiar like a rip-off of some other song. He and Tom say it doesn’t sound familiar.

Dad also says a package is on its way.

Kim called a few days ago, too. She said it took Doug an hour and a half one night to cum. Still doesn’t make me feel any more confident that Tom will change no matter how much he says he can’t cum and he wants a kid. Before I continue on with my chat with Kim, I asked Tom if my telling him not to cum would make him go the other way and cum. His answer didn’t surprise me. He said, no, pressure to cum or to not cum would still keep him from cumming.

Kim says Doug’s finally found out who’s been sending him those crazy letters and she’s gonna leave him believing what he believes for now. He said he saw some ditzy-looking longhaired blond girl by his PO Box. He says she’ll now probably realize that the guy who last had that PO Box doesn’t anymore (he thinks she’s trying to write to the guy who previously had that PO Box). She said he almost threw the letters in her car. Too bad he didn’t, but Kim said he’d probably keep the letters forever.

Kim also says she got a letter out to me and is gonna send me a picture of her hair. She’s got something in it I can’t understand, that’s supposedly a big trend. She said something about sending directions on how to do it. Lastly, she took pictures of her apartment while we were on the phone that she’ll be sending.

Tom downloaded us some really cool games from AOL, but I’ll get into that later.

Going for that ultrasound today at 2:00. Gotta start drinking as much as I can at 1:00.

Yesterday I broke a record for the first time since 1989. I went for 24 hours with no Theodur! I’m gonna see about doing that every other day, if not daily till I see Dr. Rauche.

Two days ago, on Wednesday, I finally got my first puzzle book from my subscription.

I’ll catch up with lots more writing later!

I am so backed up and have so much to write about, so I better get with it. I just went to change Piggy’s cage so Tom would have one less thing to do. Well, he had drilled the holes on the sides a bit too close to the edges and it ripped through. So, I had to kind of tape the side together that you remove to scoop the sawdust out. We’ll have to get longer brackets on and drill new holes further in.

Now, about the stuff we got last Saturday. If I can remember everything, Tom got a couple of things that he put on the block wall to wind the hoses up onto, a new sprinkler, and I think that’s pretty much all he got. He may have gotten a few other things for the yard. We also got a new lounge chair, seeing that the one I’ve been using finally gave out. It’s a really pretty floral one of cloth and not plastic. It’s even got arms on it and is in between a piece of shit and top-of-the-line. I got an adhesive ashtray and why I put it on the left arm when I’m right-handed, beats me. We also got drink holders that you stick in the dirt in the ground or at the beach. They have skinny metal poles and plastic holders on top for cans of soda. We got a white one and a blue one.

I got a puzzle of puppies and a new binder. I think that’s all we got.

Can you believe that Tom finally got the vanity table from Mary’s house? At first, I was like - where the hell am I gonna put this thing? I did manage, though, to fit it into my room without having to rearrange too much stuff. The dresser was at the foot of the bed by the two windows in the front and I moved that to the side of the bed in between the two closets. That’s where I put the vanity table which is nicer than I thought, even though we’re gonna strip the old ugly off-white paint which is peeling, and repaint it. It has a huge mirror and we’ve got to find a way to attach that, too. Its bench which is the shape of a rectangle had a red cloth seat with 6 tacky patches on it of blue with corny flowers. I took an old floral skirt with a torn waistband and cut it to fit on it. Then I tacked it on the sides and it looks so much better. I had had a couple of those plastic shelves where I moved the dresser and I took those out of the room altogether. It’s so convenient to do my makeup with this thing. It’s got 6 little drawers and I’ve got stuff in it like makeup, hair stuff, and other odds and ends.

Today’s Tammy and Bill’s 9th anniversary, so I called them. She told me Mom and Dad sent them a flag, wind chimes, and something about Noah’s ark. I wouldn’t be too surprised if she sent us a flag for our anniversary.

I went to the doctor’s yesterday for a female exam and sure enough, it’s never been easier after having sex with a guy. When they do the swab, that’s uncomfortable no matter what size woman you are or how sensitive you are. All looked fine except for a little inflammation on the cervix. She said that’s normal for some people and don’t worry about it. I don’t think I’ll have to take anything for yeast or any kind of infection, but I’ll be notified about it soon either way. She didn’t feel any spooky lumps down there or in my tits. She said the Theodur plays a part in aggravating my tits as well as the gas in the lower right quadroon as they call it.

She’s a primary care doctor and she was really nice with a great sense of humor that makes you feel comfortable right away. Her name is Dr. Rugg and she was about in her mid-30s. She was 5’ 10” with medium-long curly blond hair. She was between average and a little above average in looks.

When I said how I hated to go for these kinds of exams, she said, “I know how it is. I have a crotch, too.”

She did say she’s known DES daughters who’ve had kids and that infertility wasn’t the issue as much as with cancerous cells.

So, then we got to discussing asthma. When I told her the meds I’ve been on now since 1989, she said that was an old fashion way of treating asthma. Then I said I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. So she said there’s a guy there who was willing to see me that knows all about asthma. If it weren’t for my seeing how good Dr. Nielsen is, I’d have been skeptical, even though they’re different kinds of doctors. I told her that between coming to AZ and the Phase-Out system, my lungs have never been better and that my goal is to somehow cut down or get off the Theodur completely and just take inhalers as needed. So, she said to leave the Proventil and Theodur alone for now and take an inhaler called Aerobid instead of the Azmacort cuz it’s supposed to be much much more potent. She said it’s better to put the medicine right into your lungs where the problem is, rather than to deal with it with pills. From what she told me, I guess they usually take someone that’s taking 300mg twice daily and have them just take it once before bed. I’ve taken the Aerobid twice so far and I do believe I already feel better. I last took my Theodur 14 hours ago and I don’t feel like I need it at all and I’m gonna see if I can just take it before bed tonight. I don’t mean to be playing my own doctor here, but I don’t see how that can hurt me to experiment with that till I see Dr. Rauche. Lastly, I’ll be going tomorrow for an ultrasound to make sure that it is really only a gas problem I’ve been having down in my lower gut.

So this means two more appointments, but very worth it to me if it’s gonna save time, money, and worry in the future, then that’s what counts. I’d love to get off the Theodur and have my 95% sure feeling confirmed that it is just a gas problem and no tumors. I’m sure, though, that if it was a tumor, I’d not only sense it, but I’d have more pain and symptoms.

We had a great weekend, but I’m so tired right now that I don’t know if I’ll write much.

My longest journals are the ones from when I first began writing. In my first year and a half or so of writing, I had few journals go 6-9 months.

Saturday Tom worked for a few hours, then he came home for an hour with lunch from Jack-in-the-Box. Then he went to the races with his parents.

Yesterday was a busy yet fun day, but first, I made it loud and clear that I’m due for my next period to Tom the day before our anniversary. The 14th. Therefore, it’s easy to remember that’ll it’ll be around June 1st that it’ll be my more than likely time to conceive (if I can). Well, the point is, a little test. I want to see if Tom happens to be too tired on those particular days, regardless of how much he says he wants it and doesn’t want to wait.

Man, oh man, am I fucking pissed! I set the timer to record a movie I really wanted to see and fucked up on it. From now on, if I’m not available to watch or record something I want to see while it’s on - forget it.

I’m a major grub right now who desperately needs a shower, so I’ll return here later.

Yesterday my dad returned to Florida. I’m sure he’s very pleased to be back home.

I feel better, as I usually do after getting my period which I got on Wednesday.

Today’s supposed to be 100º. I believe this is our first 100º day of the year. We’ve been having a mild summer so far. We usually have 100º days beginning in April. Sometimes even in March.

Alex and I still exchange email by AOL and we’ll probably chat live once a month. I sent a letter to Larry and them guys which they should get today. I asked if they have Prodigy or AOL. For the hell of it, I oughta look them up and the M’s next door, too. That may not do me any good, though, if they’re using screen names.

One of the straps on the halter Ma sewed on is too high, so I’ll have to have her adjust it. She said it would be no problem if I needed it adjusted.

Tom put a new word search thing in my world but I can’t figure the whole deal out. There’s a thing to make your own puzzles, but I can’t figure out how to do it. It says to hit a certain button I can’t find.

Can’t think of anything else right now, so I guess I’ll go work on my story. I also have my library book to read, as well as my medley to continue with.

Later...

It’s a real bummer that I’m tired now cuz in a few days I have that appointment. I have to push it as late as I can.

I was laying out, and the lounge chair isn’t gonna hold up much longer. I hope we can get a new one this year, as well as that bee thing. Like I said, that’s one of the few things that really annoys me about Tom. True, he has to work full-time, but I still say part of it is all him hoping he can “make” me patient.

Another thing that slows him down from doing stuff and throwing stuff into place is the fact that he’s got so much stuff. Mainly stuff he’ll never use that just sits there and hogs up space. I can bet you that when we get new lounge chairs, he’ll keep these ripped-up old rusty ones here hogging up space.

I just wish he wouldn’t kid us both. He wants to go into business, he’s got plans for my singing soon enough, we’re gonna have a kid… Yeah, right! My ass we are! The cigarette machine was supposed to be done eons ago. I can go through and list a million different things he’s said that either never get done or only get partially done. And why do the back room? He’ll only trash it again a week later. None of this makes me love him any less, but I’m sick of it!

I wonder if there have been new people living across the street. A month or two after the heavy metal music vanished, he did, too. Then came a new security door (the kind we want) and other new decorations. However, that old, ugly, pitifully obnoxious van is still in the back of the driveway where it has been for a long time now.

Off goes Daddy next door to work now for 12-18 hours. I wonder what he does.

Nah, that might have been the car on the other side of him or the pig across the street two houses away from the music house, cuz it doesn’t sound loud enough. Plus, I think he leaves at 8:30.

Anyway, Tom’s being a slob and having so much stuff is another positive to not having the kid I know we’re not gonna have. I wouldn’t want the kid to take after that. I mean, that’d teach it to totally be messy and unorganized. Also, we have enough stuff to put away or up high on shelves. There’s no way I could keep any kid out of all this stuff.

In his room this morning I was asking him how come he had grocery lists from 20 years ago all over and he said, “Cuz I don’t have time to throw them out.”

Oh, a big two-second loss of his precious time! Yet he thinks he has time to go into business and have a kid? No wonder the guy won’t let himself cum. I agree with him and Kim about part of his not cumming being out of his control, but I still say that’s 5% of it. He can cum just fine.

There really hasn’t been much going on to chat about right now. I’m gonna finish typing 78 tonight.

Good God. I swear that guy next door works way the hell over 40 hours a week. Where does he find the time to keep getting his wife pregnant? He just came in. What a life, though, with so many kids. Probably nothing but home and kids for her and work for him.

Later...

Just got done watching a movie and Tom’s now getting ready for work.

I finished typing and printing out 78. Now I’ll begin 80.

Last night I began redoing a medley of my favorite songs. I’ll keep working on it.

Why do I always miscount when I'm due for my period? I wasn't due yesterday, I'm due today. After this period, I'll be getting the next one the day before our anniversary. Lucky me, huh?

There's nothing new to discuss now, so bye for now.

I was due for my period today, but so far it's been all cramps and no period. I hate that.

Be back to write more later.

This will definitely be the last huge journal I’ll get. I still like it. It’s just a little awkward to write in. Especially when I lay in bed.

A few nights ago I puked. Thankfully it wasn’t much and I only puked once. I was nauseous, though, for a few hours before and after. Tom helped calm me down and what he told me sure has had me feeling much better. You see, I told myself that if I don’t talk about a kid it may help him get off (this is what he says, but I don’t believe he’ll ever get off either way). The bad side of that, though, is that it gets all bottled up. I didn’t want to talk about it, though, cuz I didn’t want him to feel pressured.

Then he finally said, “Look. We can’t have you sick, so talk about it all you want. I don’t want you keeping it in and bottling it up any more than I would with any other issue.”

This has made me feel so much better. It’s actually made me even think of a kid less often. Sure, I still want one, however, I still do have my fears about it, love to sing, and do all my other hobbies and there’s no fucking way I can be a day person every day. The way I see it, though, is we’ll probably never be able to have one, but it’s good to know I can still discuss it. Especially when I know that not discussing it isn’t gonna magically change things.

He brought the computer over to his parents today and he brought back my halter-top. She put straps on it and did a great job.

I didn’t know the Judds movie was a two-parter, but it is. I saw part one. It was great.

As for Norah’s movie - all her clothes are pitiful, cuz it’s set in the early 1900s, but she really doesn’t look bad at all. Her hair’s not too long, but it isn’t short. It’s about shoulder length. All her movies are so boring, except for The Guardian. I love to watch her, though, and I’ve got lots more to see. Tom did a fine job cutting commercials so they’d fit.

I finished the puzzle and taped it. I’ll put it up on the kitchen wall tomorrow.

Gotta see Dr. Nielsen tomorrow.

Later...

Dr. Nielsen’s appointment went great. It looks so healthy, that it’s even producing wax. So, he cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and now I don’t have to go back till August 14th! Then, 6 months after that, which will be 1996, then a year after that which will be 1997. Tom was right about it all. He’s right about everything except saying things will be done or happen at certain times, his getting off, and us having a kid.

I left Andy and my mom a message about my ear, then called Tammy’s. She goes, “I don’t want to hear about your weather or your pool.”

Then Dad got on the phone and said, “It was 40º this morning and when I was working outside in Brimfield it was nothing but freezing and rain.” Then he goes, “Wait a minute. Let me take off my gloves.”

I was cracking up and I told him it was that way just for him and that it’d warm up when he leaves. True, he says, the weather is to warm up Wed. He’ll be leaving tomorrow and will arrive in Florida Thurs.

He was happy about my ear and said he believes Mom’s taping the Judds movie. I told Ma on her machine to call me if she hasn’t taped it for whatever reason and that I’d send it if need be.

Andy’s taping a two-part Stephen King movie and he wants to see the Judds movie, so we’re gonna swap tapes.

The rest of the Norah movie wasn’t too impressive. She had a million different ugly hairstyles and outfits. Yup, she looked her best in The Guardian.

Got a Bob letter today and he enclosed a drawing from a magazine of a girl who sort of resembles Gloria. I drew it and it came out pretty nice, but I didn’t mean to make her fat. She’s got a mama’s face.

Later...

Tom got home an hour ago and he’s in his room watching his show, then he’s gonna crash. We’re both beat. He had to get up early and I had barely 5 hours of sleep.

After the appointment, he dropped me off, then went back to work. Then, I cried for a few minutes, believe it or not. There’s knowing it’s over; then there’s knowing it’s over. It really hit me today. It’s over!

I saw their dog tied up out front today. Guess they exterminated again. That goes with having one kid, let alone so many cuz of the way they throw food all over, spit, and puke.

Well, I’m just gonna go veg out and do some puzzles for now. Maybe I’ll get more into that library book. I’ve only read a few pages so far.

Well, Norah’s movie will be going on in 7 hours. Tom’s gonna cut some commercials. I’m gonna set my alarm for noon and I’ll cut commercials when I get up too, if he was unable to cut 15 minutes’ worth.

Tonight will be the Judds movie.

I spoke to Mom today who got my card today and was laughing with her over what Lisa and Tammy told me. It was only 45º there! HA! And poor dad’s stuck in it.

Tomorrow we’ll probably go swimming. All it needs is 5-8 more degrees on it and it’ll be perfectly comfortable.

There are more odds and ends I suppose I could write about. However, I’m gonna go work some more on that ice cream puzzle.

We’ve sure been busy these last couple of days.

Tom’s putting together stuff for his parent’s computer that he’s gonna bring over tomorrow. His dad is 83 today.

Yesterday’s appointment was a waste as far as we’re concerned. They don’t really know what they’re doing in that particular area. She said a certain low pitch has gotten worse, but oh well. I know how I hear and that’s in between nothing and the good ear, so who cares about hearing tests? It’s probably a little gunked up with dead skin and he may want to vacuum it this time around when we go to Dr. Nielsen on Monday. At least it didn’t hurt and they didn’t put anything on to crush my skull. She just had me hold up one earpiece to my ear and didn’t test the good ear since that’s not what we’re concerned with.

After the boring hearing test, we went to the mall and ate. Then we went to a bookstore. Their journals were boring, but I did get another huge word search puzzle book. Who knows if my subscription will ever arrive? It seems like every other thing you order by mail never comes. Andy never got his 70s CD.

Tom got a computer disk with a book. I also got a few other things. A library book, and cuz he was a day late getting the last book back, he owed 30¢. I said, “Bad boy.”

Then the woman asked if the book was for me and I said yes. Then she says, “Don’t be a bad girl.”

I got my third doggie mug, so now I have a collie, an Irish setter and a cocker spaniel, and a huge puzzle of ice cream sundaes.

I’m out back right now and it’s absolutely gorgeous. The perfect temp. Earlier it was pretty hot at 92º. The pool temp made it up to 79º today. Why does 79º feel like 59º? Well, I didn’t swim, but come late afternoon I was able to quickly dip in up to my neck.

I’m still troubled with thoughts of having a kid, but it’ll keep on getting less and less and I’ll outgrow it, I’m sure. Especially when I look at all the negatives of having a kid. While I may believe more what he and Kim say about his not cumming, I still believe he’ll never cum whether or not I mention a kid. And he knows this. I only hope the day will come that he’ll admit this and not be indirectly or directly leading me on. I sure as hell don’t want to believe for a minute that he could be leading me on about this one subject, but time will continue to tell. He may not be a TM (typical male), he may say he wants a kid and mean it, but he’s still a guy. Having a kid ain’t much of a guy thing.

I made our swing quite comfy. I stuck that twin-size foam mattress on it and threw a sheet over it.

Gotta go online with Alex soon.

Later...

I chatted with Alex for about 40 minutes. This time we had no problems sending each other private instant messages. He got a job with IBM up in Burlington Vermont which he’s moving to real soon. Vermont - yuck!

Tom had an interview this morning with Bank of America that I just know went well and has good benefits. I only hope the pay is good and his hours and days off are what we want.

We’re gonna be ordering some sex toys if Tom doesn’t forget, cuz you have only 10 days to mail it in if you want 50% off. We haven’t filled out the form yet, but some of the things we may get are chocolate cream (for when he goes down on me), a fruit-flavored body massage oil that warms the body as you rub it on, so you don’t get chilled. Maybe a clit vibrator too, for when I’m on my own.

Later...

Yeah!! That movie, A Woman of Substance with Norah in it is on this Sunday. The only problem is, the damn thing runs for 6 hours and 15 minutes. I’ll either have to have Tom record a half hour or so of it in his room or find a way to make sure I’m up to sit there and pause it on commercials till I’ve cut 15 minutes of those out. If only I didn’t have 3 fucking appointments this month to get in the way! I’ll ask Tom what he thinks is the best way to handle it and together we’ll figure it out.

I got up at 10:00 this morning and couldn’t get in to retrieve our messages. After an hour of being on hold and typing up several pages, I finally got through to a VM repairperson. They’re working on it now and they say we’ll get a discount.

Later...

Thank you, Kim!! We had a little chat yesterday about the birds and the bees which really helped me to feel less alone. When I called her I told her I’d thought about bringing this up to her before and was wary of it, till I told myself, hey, what are friends for?

I told her Tom’s never cum since we’ve been together and that he said he did once, but nothing came out. Well, she told me that she could never feel Mark or Doug cum, and that yes, that’s possible. Possible for them not to have a discharge or have only a very small one, I mean. I asked her if it were possible for a guy to cum while they’re going really slow. Yup, she said. Doug’s that way. She says Tom’s most definitely not kidding about sexual issues or about having a kid. This is cool, cuz while it’s natural for me to be a skeptic here and there, I know he’s been honest about everything else. Maybe except for when Kim, Phil, and Alex were here, though. She agreed with me that if he were playing with my head over this, he’d play with my head over all kinds of things. People don’t usually lie about 1-3 things. They lie about almost everything. Soon, I’ll write about what she asked me and what I told her that made her feel better and less alone.

Later...

About the question Kim had for me - she told me she’s never cum by penetration and wanted to know more about that. I remember when I was about 21 I had the same questions. I let her know that I, as well as half of the women in this world, can’t cum by penetration alone. When Tom’s in there, I have to do my clit with my hand as much as I enjoy Tom in there. Me telling her this made her feel just as good as it did me when she let me know I’m not alone. She also told me that Doug doesn’t always cum, not that he doesn’t enjoy what she does. She says he also goes from hard to soft a lot like Tom does and has no problems getting hard either.

OK - these people next door have been doing great, so why are the kids out there screaming now, and is it even them? I hear a boy that sounds older than the boy next door and I hear some vehicle running, but it doesn’t sound close enough to be next door, so who knows?

I amazingly slept last night from about 10 PM - 8 AM. I slept solidly. I didn’t wake up to go to the bathroom and I can’t remember one dream. Just when I asked myself why I did that, cuz my schedule was actually backing up, I remembered having to take an allergy pill last night. I felt groggy upon waking up and I still do.

Yesterday Tom said he felt like he had a cold, and I finally began working on my story.

Tom had read the letter from the two girls next door. He never said anything about it and told me it was up to me to talk to them if I wanted to, but I wonder. He likes the sound of kids (or seems to) and told me months ago that he hoped I’d get used to it cuz he wants a kid someday. Maybe I’m wrong, but he always seemed to want me to be around when they were noisy. I’ve also noticed that whenever I’m around when he’s watching TV he flips the channel to kids’ stuff, cartoons, and shows. I’m beginning to feel more and more like he’s teasing me with the subject of a kid. Why, though? Why would he do this to me? I have a bad feeling that he knew all along since day one he’d never cum. He’s said just as much stuff about wanting one as he’s said about not wanting one, but I’m beginning to believe anything he’s ever said about wanting one was only to make me happy. Did he know all along he’d never cum? Was he against having a kid from day one? If he really is, and if he really is teasing me, then why? How can a guy who’s otherwise one in a million do this and play with my head this way? He denies teasing me, but if he really wants a kid that bad, why doesn’t he cum? Why say he wants it? Why say he thinks the responsibility would be good for me and that he feels I’d be a good mother?

I asked him a while back if he’d say he came every now and then cuz that’d turn me on and make me feel more normal, so to speak. He said he couldn’t do that cuz he’d feel like he was lying. Yeah, well, I have a feeling he said that as a cover-up for those other two times he claimed to cum which he didn’t.

I was half wrong about one thing, though, but he clarified himself yesterday. He said it’s not mandatory that he sleep with me to get me pregnant, but says it’ll help. I agree and can understand that, but people do get pregnant by people who don’t even live with them. The guy’s got too many excuses, whether they’re legit or not. He’s sick, he tired, he’s out of shape, got things on his mind, etc.

Well, there are still other facts to consider too, with or without him cumming. Is my plumbing OK? If there is really a God (which I’m not always too sure of) does He think it will kill me in the ways I always feared? Does He want me to keep this wonderful life I never thought I’d have with nothing to interfere with it or ruin it? Does He think it’s wrong? Does He want me to wait till I’m 40? Will the desire ever go away like others have? God, I have so many of the same never-ending questions. Will they ever get answered?

Later...

Tom would be the perfect husband if he’d only stop putting off things, trying to change certain things, and if I only knew and he could prove that this baby thing isn’t all just one big joke on me. There have been countless things we were gonna buy, make, or do that he constantly puts off. I know these things take time, aren’t always in the budget, and he’s been trying harder lately. However, I really think it’s part of his trying to force and instill patience in me. He denied that and I believe 95% or more of the stuff he tells me, but there are still some things I just cannot buy so easily.

He also tells me he’d never try to change me and how I’m such a good decorator. So why does he put stuff back in places he knows I don’t put them? I think it’s for two reasons. One’s cuz he’s trying to show me that my way isn’t the only way. He once even commented to me saying I have this certain assumption of how things should be. The other is cuz I really believe he’s obsessed with me picking up after him.

I’m skeptical about the final finishing of the back room. He’ll only re-trash it. Forget about doing his room and going through and ditching or sorting through a basket of old clothes of his. We were supposed to do that 6 months ago.

He said he wanted to call about getting business licenses on May 1st. He could’ve called or gone there after work. This business thing has me wondering just like with the kid. He’s full of shit!

Anyway, if life stays just as it is (even though he says change is inevitable), then fine. It’s better than my old life, but I’m always gonna be angry about being led on. I just wish he’d stop saying he’s gonna do stuff that he never does or that he does 6 months after he says it.

I proofread the stories he said he was gonna read long ago and says he’ll read this weekend.

Just when our 90º weather dropped off to the 70s and threw the pool temp down to 70º, it’s back. Back in the 90s, so soon it’ll be plenty comfortable for a swim. It’s 76º now and I know most people could deal with that, but it seems I can’t deal with it under 83º.

My stomach’s been looking and feeling so much better since I stopped eating dairy. Less gas, bloating, and constipation.

I went to bed last night close to 11 PM and got up at 4:30 this morning.

Yesterday we went grocery shopping, then over to his parents. Marge is gonna put straps on a halter-top I have that falls right down. Tom was showing her stuff on the computer, while Ray entertained me on the Pachinko machine.

After we left, we went to a park with life-size metal statues of people. They looked so real. Especially from a distance.

Lastly, we went to the Osco where I got 3 small 100-piece puzzles. They’re only 7 x 9, but they’re so cute. I got one of rabbits, cats, and dogs. They’re up on the kitchen wall now.

I also got makeup remover, nail polish, and a very smart purchase I saw advertised on a TV commercial. Oil of Olay has a body shampoo with a pink scrubbing puff and supposedly you won’t need lotion with this stuff. It’s great! It really lathers up well, all you need is a little drop and it really works. This is so much more convenient cuz putting lotion on is a pain in the ass. Especially when I’m trying to do my back. It’s greasy, too.

I forgot to mention what I got for only $9 at the grocery store. A lamp/organizer. The lamp is on a long stick-like thing you can adjust to wherever. It came with paper clips, thumbtacks, a notepad, and a built-in tape dispenser. The tape dispenser’s too low and all messed up, but this is OK since we’ve got 4 of them around here. It’s got other slots and grooves for stuff. On it, I’ve got pens, drawing pencils, erasers, paper clips, the notepad, address labels and stamps.

Andy left a message saying he got the typed edits. He said he couldn’t believe I could sit there and type that for hours, and he couldn’t see himself reading it unless he was totally bored. He will, though, he says, cuz of all the time and work I put into it.

Later...

You have no idea just what a relief it is to see them so quiet next door. For the first time since they’ve been here, I can honestly say I hope they don’t move. With my luck, they’ll move soon and another huge family will move in. The difference would be that the parents would be like most people and not give a shit.

I called Tammy who says Bill’s not doing too well. Dad will be there next Mon. and will be leaving the following Wednesday which is the 17th. On the 19th he’ll be back in Florida.

When I told her that her genius brother-in-law put in a garbage disposal, she said, “So.” Then I remembered her house doesn’t have one, so maybe she’s jealous.

I told her big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters and little sisters are supposed to tell big sisters about health and beauty stuff so I told her about that Oil of Olay body wash.

I had 3 songs on oldies #1 tape that are now on CD, so I stuck songs in their spots from an incomplete tape.

Tom and I had a hot debate a few days ago and I totally disagree with everything he said. He asked if I wanted him to get a vasectomy cuz he was sick of playing this game. I said, “Excuse me?”

Yeah, I can be contradicting on the subject of having a kid, cuz there are both reasons to do so, as well as to not do so, but he is just as contradicting about it. All I can do on my part in the hopes of getting pregnant is lay back and spread my legs. Meanwhile, he’s done nothing to put his actions where his mouth and desires are. Then he goes on to tell me he can suddenly start cumming just like that. Yeah, right. Then why doesn’t he?

Then he says he has to be sleeping with me before we can make a kid which I know wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. So, I finally told him, “Look. Don’t be leading me on. You say you think I’ll be pregnant between May and July and we both know this isn’t true. Next, you’ll say you think it’s gonna be between August and October, and well…don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

Plus, he knew we couldn’t be sleeping together full-time by May and July, so why did he say we had to sleep together to make it? Meaning, why’d he say May to July when he should know that’s too soon to sleep together? Our not sleeping together may make me feel “abnormal,” but it’s just not gonna happen. He said failing’s when you don’t try, not when you try and something doesn’t work out. Well, Saturday night we tried it and boy did I ever feel like a failure. He disagrees with me, but yes I did try and no I can’t change myself. It’s not that I don’t want to, cuz I can carry on my business of writing, listening to music, etc. It’s just not me. There are always some things about ourselves we cannot change and I don’t want myself or him to kid ourselves about it. Just like I couldn’t make myself be tall, I can’t sleep with him, maintain a schedule, have a kid, or quit smoking.

Like I said before, it’ll take time, but I’ll get over not having a kid. Most people don’t like or want the same things forever. I got over never being with a woman more often and I don’t miss not having that. There are only a few things I hope I never get sick of and bored with like Tom, singing, and writing. Well, actually, there’s lots of stuff I hope I’ll always be into.

Shit, I got a wart growing on the front of my thigh, a few inches above my knee.

Tom put up our new shelves in the back room and he's now installing the garbage disposal.

Guess what came in the mail today? The CDs! Linda's Living in the USA came as well as the 70s one.

Amazingly, I finished typing all the edits yesterday. On a size of point 9 they take up 19 pages. I condensed it down to 11 pages with point 7 or 6, and I’m sending copies to Andy, Kim and Bob.

Yesterday I also got the signing program disk from Alex. It’s pretty cool, although some of the illustrations are poorly drawn. The quiz is no challenge for me since it’s really for beginners. A sign comes up with 5 words next to it and you click on the word you think it is and it tells you if you’re right. Boy, times have changed! When I learned, it was from a book. It’s so much easier and more convenient for people to learn on the computer where you can just scroll down a list in alphabetical order and the sign comes up with each word. It’s just harder to carry around with you like it is to take a book out to wherever.

Later...

I laid out earlier and did a few other things. I did some word puzzles when I was out. I washed my comforter, changed the bed, sang, made spag, did a few dishes, and typed a few letters. I think I’ll go type up some of 76 now.

Later...

Tom just got off of work at 4:00, but he mentioned stopping at a hardware store for shelves. We’re gonna put up more wooden shelves to replace those flimsy plastic ones. We’re also gonna put up ones that are only about 6” in depth (from the wall on out) for all his disks.

I’d like to check into clipart and decorating stationary. Papers I type letters on and journal stuff. Alex used that really cool FBI seal in his letter. Supposedly, there are ways to get pictures around or amid stuff you type. I’ve seen and done it before, but I’d like to know more about it. Especially how the seal was done. It was on the paper beforehand and it’s very light so your typing can be seen and read easily.

Gotta trim my bangs one of these days real soon. It looks really scruffy and I still have a million split ends.

A couple of mornings ago I was horny as Tom was going to work. He told me I’d have to take care of myself till he got back. I asked if he ever took care of himself when I’m asleep. He said if he has the time. I asked if he just gets himself horny and aroused, or does he go all the way? He said he only gets himself horny and aroused. God! I hate to call my husband a liar, but I just don’t see how this is possible. Especially for as long as we’ve been together. I mean, he may not be a typical male, but he’s still a guy. A human being. I’m sure he relieves himself whenever he can. Either that or he has wet dreams constantly. He probably just told me that so as not to upset me. Why would I bother getting upset over it after all this time? I might if it kept going on for years. Then again, maybe not, cuz I don’t expect a change even though he’s 100% sure it will. He says things can “suddenly” change and he says he doesn’t want to wait. Yet there are no actions to go with these words.

We were discussing last night how I’m afraid to succeed and move on, even with the stuff I want and it’s true. I told him, though, there are things he could do too, that’d help us both. I told him that as far as us sleeping together, to either move in or don’t. I still feel the same about that. I want him to cuz we love each other and would feel more “married,” but that’s a classic example of how changes and progress can scare me. I just don’t want to return to the days of having to deal with being woken up constantly. Also, he promises not to trash this room, but I still have to see that to believe it. As far as I’m concerned, the rest of the house is one thing, but this room is my space.

Time for a cigarette, then I shall return to write more.

Later...

I just listened to a message from Andy that he must’ve left when I was out back or had the music on. His roommate who’s 100% better, loved my little crayon can that I made him as well as the edits. Especially Karson’s. So many people like the edits, and two of his friends, Quinn and Goofy, have copies. I told him I gotta start charging people $5 per tape!

I’m gonna go food shopping this Sunday with Tom, but I sure as hell ain’t looking forward to the fucking crowd. I really hope he gets at least one weekday off soon, preferably two.

Later...

I just decorated several pages. My own homemade journal clipart.

Well, it’s almost 6:00, so I guess Tom wasn’t too tired. I was kind of panicky last night for the first time in a while. There is hope, though, of getting over and growing out of certain things.

Later...

Tom found a note for me on the front door dated March 8th. Two of the girls next door typed it up on their computer, which is a piece of shit like Tammy’s, but very sweet and sincere. I’ll put it in my binder with all my other letters.

I typed out a quick thanks-for-the-letter-and-understanding note and stuck it in their door next door. How can they play on the other side of their house, though, like they said they’ve been doing? The other side of their house would be the driveway of the other house next to them. Nonetheless, it’s been great around here and I’m so glad, cuz most people just don’t give a shit. I know all too well about that thanks to Barbara, Robert, and Andi.

Before I get into what Tom bought, let me back up to what I was saying right before he got home. The reason why I have the hope of getting over and growing out of wanting a child is cuz people’s desires and goals do change. Also, here are examples. When I was around 21, I knew it was never meant for me to be with a woman. Yes, I’m still right, as well as wrong with things I feel. It took me a few years, but I did live through it and got to the point where I could deal with it, accept it, move on, and get over it.

Tom got more shelves as I said he was gonna, but we’ll still need more. The guy’s got a lot of books, magazines, and disks. He got a fluorescent light for the kitchen, like the one by the computer. He got wiring for the garage, so we can have a light to flick on when we’re coming and going at night. Right now there are only 2 or 3 long fluorescent lights towards the center and back of the garage and one that’s sound activated. It looks like a nightlight. Lastly, we finally have a garbage disposal! Yes! No more scraping and straining food out to dump in the pail, and hopefully no more clogged sink either.