Well, well, well. Guess who finally called and left a message? Fran. I’m like, oh fuck! I wonder still, what took him so long? It’s been just over 3 years and I’m still surprised he’d choose to harass Donna’s grandmother over me, even though she’s local and I’m not. Maybe he just lost the name and number and just found it or got it from someone. But who? Who would give him that info? Or maybe he just got long-distance service and before, he couldn’t use someone else’s phone.

Anyway, the bastard sounded like his usual self, acting as if nothing happened in the past, telling me the best time to call him, but not to harass him. Like I’d really want to? Like he’d be worth it? I didn’t write down his number cuz I didn’t care to know it, have it, or call him, but Andy wishes I’d saved it for his friend Donna to call him and give him a piece of her mind. I told Andy to tell her it won’t do her a damn bit of good, but yes, I’ll give her the number if he calls again and leaves it. I also told Tom to hang up without a word if he calls. I wonder, though, will he? He’s too damn nice and if he does talk to him, this will egg him on more. He said he may not recognize his voice right away. True. But hopefully, he’ll hang up without another word as soon as he does. I also asked him to save any messages he may leave and I told him why. Lastly, I told him to scrutinize our phone bills really well, in case he bills a call to us.

I sent a letter to the address I last knew Paula to be at, hoping it’d be forwarded to her. I also sent one to that friend of hers, too, hoping that if Paula didn’t get her letter, this Sylvia character could pass her letter on to her.

Now Tom’s become a bold liar. About a week ago, a chair in the back room was pulled out all the way, and I almost fell over as I ran into the room. I know I didn’t pull it out and he claims he didn’t. Then today…same thing. Certain things were rearranged on the computer table that I know I didn’t touch and he swears he didn’t. Oh, I see. Instead of saying he tries really hard, now it’s, I didn’t do it! Don’t look at me. I know nothing about it. I didn’t touch it.

Oh, brother!

He told me again that he wasn’t trying to instill patience in me. He’s simply compromising by doing part of what he wants and part of what I want. Oh, so is that why half the time he doesn’t push the footstool all the way in, turn the bathroom sink faucets off all the way, etc.? Is that also why he cums part-time and why we have sex part-time, while he says he wants more sex and that he’ll get off more often (when maybe he doesn’t really want/mean this), to cover up his compromising with me?

Marla’s finally back online. I went onto AOL late last night to check for mail and she was online, spotted me on her buddy list, then sent me an instant message. We chatted live for a few minutes, then went about our business. All’s OK with her and her family.

Oh also, Tom explained himself when I asked him, “Well, which is it? Why were you really tired? Cuz of me? Or cuz the phone rang?”

He told me he did want to get up when the phone rang at 4 PM, so he could do some things, but that he wouldn’t have gone to bed as late as noon if it hadn’t been for me talking. He said, “It’s not your fault, though. It’s a decision I made. I chose to listen to you.”

Later...

It’s too bad I know I can’t be pregnant, cuz get this - I never felt anything like what I felt earlier. It was the weirdest physical experience I ever had. They say that when your nipples tingle, it could be an early symptom of pregnancy. Well, back during the August incident, I had that. It was subtler than what I felt earlier. In the past, it felt more like a slight itch, than a tingle. I’ve had that every now and then, but never like a few hours ago. My right nipple tingled for about 4-5 seconds so fiercely. I mean it was so sharp, so obvious, that it startled me and made me jump. It felt like someone held a mini stun gun to me. A few hours later, which would be a short while ago, the left one started up. Less dramatic, but still obvious and it kind of felt like more than an itch-like sensation. Weird. Really weird. What’s also weird is how my tits aren’t sore. With all the coffee I’ve drunk, you’d think they would be, but the slight pre-cramps have already begun, fittingly, since I’ll be ragging in about a week.

Andy asked me if I had any vibes as to where he was on tour. I had no clue. Then I asked him if he had any vibes about my trip to Rugg. He said I have a small infection along a wall, but that can be cleared up easily. If I were in my early to mid-20s, I’d say, “What else is new?” However, it’s possible, but unlikely cuz I don’t feel any symptoms of any kind of infection down there. Nonetheless, if I do have one, yes, it can be cleared up easily enough.

Things still aren’t too cool around here. I fucked up yesterday and poured my sorrows, worries, fears, and doubts out to Tom. Yes, he listened, but I’m still pissed at myself for not keeping my mouth shut. So far, that’s been one of those things that are easier said than done.

When I got up at 8:30, he was tired and grumpy. He said that the reason why he was that way was cuz we talked so late, but that he was not blaming me. Oh yeah, then why is it that I realized after he left for work that he told me he only slept from noon to 4:00 when the phone rang? He said he couldn’t get back to sleep. That’s not my fault. If the phone hadn’t rung, he could’ve slept from noon till 10:00 and had plenty of sleep. And he says he hates being blamed for things that aren’t his fault? Well, he says he doesn’t blame me for things and isn’t trying to put a guilt trip on me, but I don’t think so. He implies that things are my fault. What I really am to blame for, no matter what anyone says, is for talking.

I still really think he’s mostly talk and no action, as far as the things he says he’d like to do. Be it having more sex or whatever. I think that he too, is more afraid of change and hesitant about it than he’ll admit, and this is why I believe he likes to be tired and busy a lot of the time and he sets himself up to be so. I don’t think he wants to avoid me in general, but I think that he too, doesn’t want to have more sex, so he avoids it, all the while pinning the reasons why on me. I’m not saying that some of these reasons aren’t true and that I’m perfect and that I don’t love Tom and that I don’t want to be with him, but I’m so sick of this shit! They say everybody has faults, but I think he’s got about 3-4 faults that really bug me and even piss me off and he should work on them. I need to work on my faults too, and at least he hasn’t got hundreds of faults like most people do.

As far as my faults, it’s still the same thing. I’ve got to drill it through my thick head that dreams are dreams and reality is reality. We all have dreams that can’t come true. It isn’t just me who can’t get most of what she truly wants. It isn’t just me whose life hasn’t been what she wanted, planned or expected. What I’ve got to do is tell myself that having a kid is just a dream and that’s exactly what it should always remain as cuz of my schedule and cuz of how he’s too busy. We could never handle a kid. Not with the way I am, not with my screwy schedule, not with how he’s so often busy and tired. If we had a kid, he couldn’t help his mom out or do AMEX programs, stuff around the house, etc. for damn sure. And physically and mentally, I couldn’t take it.

I have so many wonderful things and cuz I’ve been so wrapped up in fantasy land, I haven’t been able to live life fully (even if this is it) and enjoy what I do have. I have more than enough. More than I need. More than most people will ever have. I didn’t expect, plan or try for Tom or the computers and other things, but I have them, they’re wonderful, and I’d never trade them for the world. I’ve also got to realize that due to the fact that life isn’t what we plan, expect, or try for, few women say they want a kid and then have one. If having a child weren’t a dream of mine, that would be different. Then we could probably have one, but kids are for those who don’t want them, think about them, or plan, expect and try for them. I can’t expect to be any different. The singing never happened, not that that upsets me anymore, cuz it was something I planned, wanted and tried for. The things that happen, like Tom, like the computers, are the things we don’t consider, plan and try for. Or even think we’d want. Even Tom said that most people either don’t get their dreams or don’t get them the way they expected/wanted. Or, people are afraid to admit their dreams or try for them. Well, I’m certainly one of those who is afraid to try for it and see a doctor. It’s wrong. It’s a dream. And that’s where it’ll stay. We don’t have the time and mentality for a child and I’ve got more than I could ever need or want already. I need to “Norahtize” this dream. What I mean by this is that when I fantasize about Norah and I, it’s always been just that - a fantasy. Not anything I’d ever want to or care to or try to make a reality. But it’s a fun thing to think about and fantasize about and it’s OK. That’s what I need to do with the kid in order to live much more happily and peacefully. Have fun thinking/fantasizing about it, be OK with that, but know that that’s not a reality. It has never been a reality and it never can or will be a reality.

Also, he agrees with me, that the Aerobid is what’s been causing my weight gain, but he doesn’t think the weird periods and the Aerobid are connected. He thinks it’s just a coincidence. I thought he thought it was my body “trying to change and get pregnant?” Anyway, his theory about my periods is about as off the wall as me conceiving or expecting to find a UFO out in our yard. If it’s not God teasing me and playing around with my body, or a bad reaction to his cum, it is the Aerobid and my first guess is yes, it’s the Aerobid. It says it causes menstrual disturbances.

Here we go again doing for others, but not for us. Putting others first. Tom’s gonna fix a leak in his Mom’s car. Fine. Great. What about the broken AC in our car? How far are we gonna have to get into the summer before he fixes it?

After he woke me up twice (once from snoring and then from talking in his sleep), I got up. Then he got up a couple of hours later and apologized for last night. He said he’s sorry, he’s not perfect, he does make mistakes, he didn’t express himself well, and he doesn’t want me to feel I can’t talk to him. Well, I’m sorry. I appreciate his apology, but talk to him? Hell no. He can’t handle it. He’s much too intelligent, also, to have expressed himself so poorly. I think this is another one of his sly, clever, cunning cover-ups, but I know better. He said and did just what he wanted. He didn’t want to hear what I had to say, even though I wasn’t blowing up, and he made me feel worse for it. He needs a major lesson in asking someone what’s wrong when he really doesn’t want to hear it. If he can’t handle the answer he gets and that he asked for, I don’t wish to talk to him about this subject again. I’m mad at myself too, for bringing it up. I should’ve known better, as I’ve said before. It even takes me a few times around to learn lessons, but I didn’t make the mistake of showing him my journal. I told him I had to write him up about all this and he said, “Well, of course,” in a sarcastic, knowing, yet funny way. I even asked him if he wanted to hear it, just to see what he’d say. He said no, not really, but if I needed to read it to him, OK. Yeah right! I don’t think so.

I still wonder occasionally, is he reading my journals? Did he stall on reading some of my stuff in the past, or today, to make it look like he wasn’t too eager to when he really is and is reading them? Or is it cuz he secretly keeps up on what I write, isn’t very fond of what I write, and that’s why he’s not so eager? Maybe he’s already read it and doesn’t want to read or hear it again. Although, wouldn’t most spouses be curious to read what their other half was writing about? Especially about them?

Once again, there’s no use in either talking calmly or blowing up over something that can’t be changed. I was never fated to have a child. All the bitching and crying and talking in the world can’t and won’t change that. And we can’t run to a doctor and expect to fight God and win. No person or doctor can interfere with God’s so-called work. He never heard my prayers. Never has. Never will. If I was heard at all by anything up there, it was no God. There’s either nothing up there or something not too good at all up there.

Things really are never going to change in any major kind of way. All those wonderful, surprising, unexpected events that happened from 1992-1994 were truly the end of the line. The party’s over. This is it. This is where I shall always remain. This is what’s meant to be. This is reality. There’ll be no career. There’ll be no child. This is it. I’ve peaked. This is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing; what I’ve been doing for the last few years. Nothing more. Nothing less.

When Robin gave me that bullshit line about 3-4 good things to come this year and a major change coming in a month, well, I wonder if one of these good things consists of my folks coming out? They may have sounded more serious than ever before, but I won’t believe it till I see them out here. Our talk the other day may have been just that - talk.

Tom and I did screw earlier, though. He didn’t cum and I knew he wouldn’t. For some reason, I can always tell when he’s gonna cum and when he’s not. I still wonder at times, did he really have a problem preventing him from cumming (positioning) up till last July? Or did he hold off till then? Could he now really cum almost every time we have sex? Or is he deliberately keeping it to about once every week and a half to two weeks? Well, if he’s ever been dishonest about something pertaining to sex, he’ll just boldly tell me he hasn’t lied about whatever, and he knows that’s all he has to do. I can’t prove otherwise. So, if there’s anything else he hasn’t leveled with me on, be it in the past or the present, I’ll never know. My husband’s too smart, too realistic and too logical to possibly believe I’m fertile. This is what makes me believe he may not want to come out and say so, cuz maybe he’d feel like he was slugging me with a hatchet if he did. He knows how much a child means to me, but can anything anyone ever said change God’s precious little work? No. Believe me, if I could know the answers to all my fears, doubts and worries, I’d want to know the answers so I could have an easier time moving on. Even though he hasn’t cum too often since last July, we should’ve hit it right by now. I’m curious to see what he does, though, from here on out. Will he put his actions where his mouth is and have more sex, if he really wants this kid as bad as I do, thinks I’m fertile and feels the same void I do? That just got me thinking about the possibility that maybe he’s trying to keep his amount of cumming down so we don’t find out so soon who’s right and who’s wrong, so he doesn’t have to deal with it if he’s wrong. Or have to see me have to deal with it. Why stall something like that, though? Is that where the instilling patience game comes in?

So many questions. Never any answers. I’m powerless. Powerless to get a job. Powerless to get pregnant. Powerless to be happy with the way things are. No matter what I think of, no matter what ideas I get, no matter how hard I try - I’m powerless. Something up there wants me to be powerless. Well, I’m not unhappy about the way things are, but I’m not happy about the way things are and I never will be. I believe I’ll always feel that incomplete void and miss never having a child.

Andy called yesterday and read me the article on the two Larrys’ accident. Judy sent it to him. It didn’t really tell me any more than I already know, but he’s gonna give it to me and when he does, I’ll copy it in here.

Later...

I like to watch reruns of old shows and an occasional movie, but Jesus fucking Christ! You can’t get through a set of commercials that don’t mention pregnancy, childbirth, etc. It’s like God’s aiming it at me, teasing me, taunting me. It’s everywhere! Yesterday I taped a movie so I could scan over the 4 or more baby/pregnancy/pregnancy test-related commercials (that doesn’t help a sterile woman feel any better to have rubbed in her face what she dreams of and what she cannot have). Then later, I went to turn on the TV just for a second to set up the timer for the second part of a movie, and what was there? A news report on the morning-after pill. Then I go fire up AOL to see if I have any mail, and what’s right in front of my face on the main menu? Oh, just a name guide for expectant parents. God’s shoving this in my face just like he did with males. The pattern, or reasons I should say, don’t fit. It doesn’t make sense, though. He shoved males in my face, cuz he was telling me and showing me all along that I wasn’t meant to be with a woman but rather a man. So, since I know he’s not trying to tell me I should be a mother, I feel like it’s got to be a tease. How amazing God weaves this world together and its people and its events in such a cruel, sick and unfair way. He has baby/kids everywhere in a time when their world is so liberal. He has baby/kid messages swarming all over the TV. Just in time for me to be, shall I say, at the peak of my sterility crisis. I don’t need any more rub-ins. I don’t need any more reminders. I can’t even walk into a store, a doctor’s office, anyplace, without seeing a magazine or bulletin board about something that’s got to do with pregnancy and childbirth. I asked myself if I just notice these things more due to being at the peak of this ordeal, but I don’t think so. I’m not imagining this. I didn’t imagine all those women who rejected me or all those males who hit on me.

I’ve got good news and bad news, but I’ll get the bad news out of the way first.

I’m so sick of Tom getting me all confused, frustrated and even angry. I’m fed up with his contradictions. I’m fed up with him saying one thing in one breath and then something just the opposite in the next breath. Will he ever make up his mind and stick to it? Will he ever make up his mind as to how I can act, be, feel or what I can say? The story’s changing all the time and to be frank, I’m pretty damn sick of it.

He told me that my expressing my depression over not having a child and my fears and doubts about it is fine, it’s when I blow up about it that turns him off and puts him in a not-so-good mood. Well, which is it? For fuck’s sake, which is it?! I still really wonder if he doesn’t like playing with my head and putting guilt trips on me. I wish he’d stop jerking me around and stop trying to change me, while he denies doing this. Does he get a kick out of this? Another thing that makes me wonder about him is how he said he knew it’d make me mad, but he wanted to get a home pregnancy test for me, then he proceeded to tell me why. That’s fine, but if he knew it’d make me mad or upset me in any way, why’d he bring it up then? If I can’t express anything I feel or want why is it OK for him to?

It started when I was lying on the couch in a bummed mood. It showed, I guess, cuz when he came out of the shower, he asked what was wrong. All I said, in a calm tone of voice was, “I’m bummed out cuz I didn’t conceive this month and I’m still afraid I’m sterile.” 

Then he goes on to say that just cuz I didn’t conceive this month, doesn’t mean I can’t some other month. First of all, how did he know I didn’t conceive like I know? He did say we can’t know for sure, but for the most part, he seems to agree with me, as if he too, has the same sixth sense I do.

Anyway, the point of it is, is then he got all upset and frustrated, implying and making me feel like I was burdening him by being upset, wasting our time for life and sex, and that we haven’t had sex enough for me to go making a big deal out of it and that getting pregnant isn’t something I should even consider when we screw. It should be just for fun, he says, and it is for fun, but how can I not make a big deal out of something that is a big deal to me? And how can I not consider getting pregnant when we have sex? What, does he think I am a little switch that can control what’s a big deal to me and what I consider? Wasn’t it him that said to accept myself as a whole emotionally? He said to accept my feelings. And wasn’t it him who said we weren’t switches? How can I make my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and beliefs any different than what they are? I can’t help what’s a big deal to me and what I consider, want or hope for. I admit I haven’t always handled these feelings or moods too well, but I did nothing wrong tonight. He asked me what was wrong. I told him.

And as far as us not having lots of sex as he mentions. It’s true. We don’t have lots of sex, but as far as I’m concerned, this is a decision he made and that he himself only made. It’s almost like he’s trying to put a guilt trip on me with that and like he won’t give me sex, depending on what I’m saying, feeling, or being. Can I ever say, feel or do anything that doesn’t turn him off? Everything turns him off. Well, if this is the case, I will be a little switch then, keep my mouth shut, not look sad, not have it be a big deal to me and not consider a kid when we screw. This is what he wants, so if this is how I have to be and act to please him, I guess I don’t have a choice then. I’m tired of fighting with him. I’m tired of him having me feel worse when I’m already in a bad mood. I’m tired of his changing his story as to what is OK and acceptable for me to say, feel and be when I’m around him. He may as well come out and say, “Be a good little girl and I’ll give you more sex. Act, feel and say what I want you to and then there’ll be nothing to fight about and feel worse about.”

Never before have I ever been more reluctant to talk to him. I almost feel, now, that he’s not good enough to talk to and certainly not worth it. He says it’s OK and that he can handle it. Bull fucking shit! I’m sick of shit happening like what happened yesterday, too. Teasingly I said I’ve just got to see him get off when he just did so only 3 days earlier. He didn’t get off, as I figured, and then he blamed it on me by saying he tried too hard and that he was “too challenged.” Oh please! If someone’s really that horny and wants to get off that bad, they can. He just wasn’t in the mood, was too tired, and he knew it.

Well, I’ll be his good little girl, give him what he wants, cuz I can’t and won’t take this bullshit from him ever again. I’m sick of him denying things he says, exaggerating, changing stories, and pinning his problems or actions on me, making me feel like I’m the one to blame. Then when I confront him with something, he turns it into an attack on me, says I’m the one that did what I accused him of doing, or denies doing what I accused him of doing, or tries to justify what I accused him of doing, then fights with me.

Maybe in 5 years, when he still sees I’m not able to conceive, and if he suggests seeing a doctor, I should tell him, “What’s the big deal? If you didn’t mention it just now, I would’ve been pregnant, but now I don’t even want to have sex with you that much. You’re burdening me, turning me off and it’s your fault.” Then see how he likes it. Of course, contrary to what he says, in 5 years, he’ll still say I’m OK and that we still just didn’t hit it right, cuz we didn’t have sex enough and cuz of the way I am.

Another thing I’m sick of is how he gets all hot and bothered at something I didn’t hear him say or didn’t understand and I get accused of not listening or caring or deliberately twisting his words. Yet when I politely ask him to put something back in its place or whatever, he doesn’t do it and he ignores me as if he didn’t hear or listen to a damn word I said. He told me he meant it when he said I could blame him for anything. Stuff like a gang shoot-out in another state. Then he said he hoped I’d take it upon myself to not blame him for things he didn’t do. Well, I meant it when I told him he could ignore my requests, but had hoped he’d take it upon himself to listen and to care enough. Not do it only half the time, then say he tries his best when I know he’s too intelligent for that. This is a major obsession with him. That and instilling patience in me, etc. It makes me want to hang up sex again. I mean, I’m just tired of the fucking complications that go with it and tired of this never-ending bullshit. He won’t end this bullshit, so I guess I’m gonna have to, by doing what I said I’d do. If I just be a good girl, then I won’t have to put up with his contradictions and his ways of making me feel when I get upset and express myself. Then, he’ll have to think of some other thing I’m doing or some other reason as to why we can’t have lots of sex.

Later...

Now my typical weight is 106-108. Shit! Fuck! Damn!

OK, here’s the good news. Well, I think that for the first time since I’ve been here, my parents are about as serious as can be about coming out here. They called right after I got their package, which was really nice. They sent about 7 flags. A parrot, flowers, Snoopy, ballet slippers and a musical one. This is the same musical one I once had and really liked, but storms tattered it. The ballet one is gorgeous. Much more so than the catalog showed, cuz it’s not only got colors and a subject I like but it’s got pink glittery lines throughout it and it’s really pretty.

They also sent a way better and sturdier pole of metal, a metal bracket, some makeup and nail polish and a matching necklace and bracelet.

Then they asked me if we’d discussed what we were going to do for his vacation. I told them that I was just about to tell them in my letter to them that I’d let them know where we stood at the end of March. She said not to change our CA plans for them, which was nice, then I told them that it’s not that we’d never get out there, but I really wanted them to come out here. Then Dad asked me how I felt about them coming separately. Fine. In fact, that’s better. Gives me more time alone with each of them. Naturally, Ma would drive out and Dad would fly out. They really liked the golf course (Castles & Coasters) that they saw on the video we shot and sent them. They also would stay in a motel. That’d make us all feel more comfortable. Dad asked which one of them I wanted out first. 

“You,” I said. 

Then we were teasing Ma about how Dad and I get along better and I commented on how Dad and I have more in common. She agreed. There was more joking around when Dad said to take care of Ma when she came out. Oh yeah, we’ll chain her to the bottom of the pool. I also told Dad that maybe we could stop at Andy’s house or have him come over here. Or, I can use all that makeup Ma sent to dress him up in drag and send him over there. Then I said to flip a coin and decide who came out first. They told me to flip a coin, then to pick who was heads and who was tails. Dad was tails and that’s exactly what I flipped (no lie). Then Dad said that if he came first, he’d just be able to bring a suitcase of clothes, but Ma would be able to pack a lot of goodies for me. So, I told them to choose what month they came out and who went first, while I had Tom check into motels with a restaurant and a pool that was nearby and on the first floor.

I hope that when they’re here, they’ll patiently let me show them all the things I want to show them. And I hope this is it, too, and that they’re seriously gonna come out here.

They say the best time for them to come out is during their tourist season which is from around April till late September.

Dad asked, “What do you wear out there in the summer? Little things, skimpy things?” 

I reminded him that I’m not so little anymore, but yeah, I can still wear short shorts and halter tops, camisoles, tanks, etc. It depends on where I am and who’s around.

I think that’s it as far as my nice chat with my folks goes and again, if I remember anything else, I’ll jot it down.

Andy left a message last night saying he was totally into the journal, is already up to July and doesn’t want it to end. This makes me happy to hear.

Later...

Another thing that pisses me off about Tom is how he said he’d get his faucet washers from his ma’s place to put on our kitchen one that leaks really bad, but did he get them when he was over there yesterday? No, of course not. I wish he’d do for us what he does for others. I mean, he’ll do a thorough job, non-stop, on time for others, but not for us.

I tried to call the book renewal number, but it’s busy. Guess they must be doing their routine repairs on the system.

A part of me has regrets about the fun we had the other day and the fun we’re gonna have when Tom gets off work (of course, I don’t know if he’ll cum, but if he does, he’s broken a record and that’ll be the quickest he’s cum before a previous get off). The part of it that depresses me, is that I know I’m gonna get some kind of period and I know I shouldn’t. Not if I were OK. An OK woman shouldn’t be getting a period in about a week and an OK woman should’ve been pregnant by now. He says, “Well, maybe we’ll get lucky tonight and instead of talking about it, let’s give it an honest shot.” I want to and if he can cum, great, but I still know I’m gonna get my period and that God will never change his mind and allow us a child. I’ve prayed every day for days now, but I still sense and fear, I’m either being unheard or ignored.

I decided that even if I am ragging on the 5th, I’ll still see Rugg about the Aerobid and see what can be done. He feels that I’ll be OK and that I will get some answers about why I’ve gained weight when none of my eating or life habits have changed, but he isn’t sure if I’ll not be ragging on the 5th (if I get a period, as he says). The hard part is gonna be to keep it together as the PMS sets in, further enhancing my emotions about never being able to have a child. And this guy here! He still insists he’s 100% sure we’re gonna have a kid. How can my husband, of all people, be so blind and so naïve?

He said it’s best not to decide whether or not to mention to Rugg that we’ve been trying for a kid till I get there and see how the conversation flows. I still don’t know if I can get up the guts to mention it. I’m just too afraid of what God would do to me or to us for it and there’s no point. You can’t fight fate/God.

I’m so sick of AOL being busy so much of the time. They’ve already paid out 24 million dollars in lawsuits. They have the money to make it more accessible, but they’d rather use the money to pay out lawsuits than to get more phones.

Bunny’s been terrorizing Piggy. Not to hurt him. They both really do love each other, but he’s just being a bully. He tramples him when he runs across the cage and he sticks his head in Piggy’s house and Piggy screams at him to leave him alone. Piggy hates it when he goes charging towards him, cuz it scares him, cuz Bunny’s 3 times his size.

Bunny also doesn’t seem to like Tom very much. He’s kicked him, tried to bite him, clawed at him, and earlier, Tom says he charged him. He didn’t do anything to him, though.

I reactivated my auto-saver now that we’re not crashing all the time like we used to.

Later...

Just did some singing and soon I’ll do some reading and work more on Jen’s envelopes.

I hope that my package gets here tomorrow, but I’d say it’s more likely to get here Tuesday or Wednesday.

Little Miss Joely and her kid have been here all weekend, but they’ve been quiet, indoors and haven’t had any company. Wait till the weather warms up, though. The only time he was there was for about half an hour last Friday night.

I still can’t get onto AOL. Tom and I ought to sue them and get our fair share. They’d obviously rather pay their money on lawsuits, instead of more phones, anyway.

Tom went to see Ma and Steven. Both are doing well. Steven will be flying back to California on Tuesday.

I wonder what Larry thought of my idea to set Tammy up and give her a piece of his mind. Probably what I figured he’d think of it - funny to think about it, but not worth the bother of doing it.

OK, I can’t think of anything else to say, so I’m gonna go do something else now.

From the looks of my chart, it looks like I was mid-cycle a day earlier than I said I thought I was. Anyway, I conquered my fears, doubts and worries and we had sex early this morning. We both got off big time. I know, though, I’m just kidding myself about the thought of God answering my prayers, even though I can’t see much of a period at all for early March. I just hope I’m not ragging, even if it’s spots on the 5th, cuz then I’ll have to cancel Rugg.

I think I found the culprit as to what’s really screwed up my periods and put so much water on me. The Aerobid inhaler I take. It says that that’s one of its side effects, too, so I’ll talk to the doctor about it and see what they say. If only I could just not get my period at all and be pregnant, then I’d have a good reason to be fat, but I’m not gonna kid myself. Just dream about it and wish it could be true.

Now here’s something amazing, but nice. Since I got up at around 3:00 or 4:00 PM, I haven’t heard any dogs at all. It’s been a peaceful late afternoon, early evening, and now late evening.

I began to decorate a new round of envelopes for Jen.

Wow. The Jeep came in next door and I didn’t hear it. I had just checked outside about a half-hour ago to see if there was a slight chance my package could be there and there was no Jeep. Then I looked one last time and there was the Jeep. Just when I thought I’d never see that thing again, too. I hope they won’t be here all weekend. I’ll be asleep till the late afternoon, but still, I hope they won’t suddenly decide to party after all this time or blast music. I doubt it, though. They seem to have fallen into a pattern over the last several months and my guess is that they’ll take off tomorrow and the Jeep won’t be around for another series of days or weeks.

The fact that I no longer have to worry about the bass and can go to bed without worrying and don’t have to worry about parties, screaming, ball games, is such a relief. The amount of relief is tremendous. The last several months have been the quietest since I’ve been here, omitting the two dogs that have barked on and off since I’ve been here. Also, I don’t know for sure what pattern this little trailer dog will fall into yet, either.

Nevertheless, if next door could be here and be the way they’ve been since last October, till we move, I’d be thrilled! Also, I don’t think their place really is for rent. If it were for rent, why are they still there, even if they’re not there very often? You’d think it wouldn’t be for rent till they moved and then you’d think I’d see and hear the city, or whoever, come in to clean it and fix it up. I just hope things stay the way they have been, but again, this is too good to be true and it’s bound to end any time now. Then I guess God will have to decide whether he wants to give me ball-playing, screaming kids, dogs or bass.

Speaking of God, is he going to change his mind and let me conceive this weekend? Yes, I do ask stupid questions, don’t I?

I’m still nervous about this weekend cuz I’m in that time frame now. My guess is that I’m pretty sure he won’t cum. I’ve come to realize something about Tom. Yes, he may really truly believe we’ll have a kid, just like he believes he’s gonna do this and that around the house or whatever, but it’s just one of those things that always gets talked about, but not done. I also can see, like I’ve said before, that when it’s too late to conceive, he’ll just say we never got around to it for such reasons as time or timing, just like with other things. He’ll never admit he or we couldn’t get me pregnant or do other household projects cuz of something wrong with us. It’ll be cuz of life itself.

I also realized something about me. That even if I were OK and he came more than enough, this brain of mine would never be able to get my body to conceive. What I mean by this, is how our psychological and emotional state is so connected to our physical state and vice versa. With my mind racing the way it usually does and my hyperness and ADD, I don’t see how a person like me could relax enough to conceive in the first place. So, if I weren’t a DES daughter, I’d consider this as a damn good reason for sterility, in spite of what’s God’s will and fated to be.

I also get a bit nervous as we get closer to March 5th. I just hope he’s right and that I’m OK. I also hope I won’t need to do this 3 times and believe me, I won’t. Lastly, I hope to hell I’m not ragging then. If I’m on a 28-day cycle this month, then I should be mid-cycle today and not ragging till the 7th. As far as I can see, he’s never cum 14 days prior to a period. If he had, that’d really spell sterility loud and clear. It seems that something’s determined to make us miss it, but why? There’s nothing to miss, cuz I’m still not even sure my eggs do pop out OK and that I ovulate. Still, if you told someone that a woman’s man cums in her about every two weeks for the last 8 months, the first question would be, “How come she didn’t get pregnant? She should’ve by now.” No one can keep missing it like that unless something is wrong and unless that isn’t meant to be.

I don’t know if we have extra money for this now, but I’m also glad Tom won’t be getting a pregnancy test at the end of this month. How do I know this? I just know Tom. 90% talk.

I don’t believe this! I can hear that fucking trailer dog. But the trailer’s not even there. I don’t know what went on this morning or what time the trailer left, but the trailer hasn’t been there since I’ve been up and I got up at 2:30. I hope to hell that the trailer people didn’t give this dog to that guy. That guy already has a dog, though. Why don’t people out here allow their dogs in their houses?! He’s just your typical non-caring neighbor. No, typical non-caring person. I’ll bet that due to people’s obsession with being opposite-doers and their obsessions with pushing their noise (of different sources) onto others, he’ll go out of his way to have the dog bark more often. I should’ve known better. I wouldn’t be surprised if the trailer people gave him their dog just so he could stick it on me. That’s desperately sick!

A couple of other things: Tom picked Steven up at the airport today. He’ll be with Mom at her house, so she won’t be stopping here this weekend.

The Jeep left again and it left quietly.

Later...

I just had a weird idea, in which weird events followed. I feel stupid admitting this, and I’m surprised at myself, but I’ve been steadily praying to God again for a child. Tom and others said that sometimes you have to ask God for something over and over in order to up your chances of getting it. It was his answering my prayer about trapping Gizzy that inspired me, even though I’m sure I’d have caught Gizzy without praying. I’ve been praying to God, telling him that I just couldn’t seem to help us, that we haven’t had any luck on our own, and that we need his help. We need him to help us help ourselves. Also, I knew he had the power to make sure that the next time my husband had an orgasm, to make sure one of his sperm fertilized one of my eggs, plant it in my uterus, and leave it there for 9 months. Lastly, I told him that it seemed that this is what we’re going to need him to do to help us, then it’s all up to us to take it from there and that that’s just what we’d do.

Anyway, I got an idea and told God a little while ago that I promised not to write letters to or speak to noisy neighbors about their music, kids or dogs ever again and that I promised to try to be a better person if he’d let my husband and I have the child we so desperately want. I told him that I understand that he gives most of the world children without expecting anything in return and that if I needed to earn and even deserve a child, so be it. I figured that it may make a difference in his eyes if I were to give something in order to hope to get something from him for I am not most people who have kids handed to them on a silver platter. If I have to be one of those who has to try, to beg, to give, fine.

Then I realized that maybe the dog being back and starting up was a present from God for me praying and then I said to myself, “Uh-oh. You screwed up and just sunk yourself big time. The reason for the dog’s return is cuz you prayed to God and you know he doesn’t like you or like to hear from you.”

So then I sat down and I told God what I suspected and that I knew that he had his mind made up about that, whether or not I prayed, whether or not Tom came a lot or a little. I told him then that I’d go out back and that if I heard the dog, I’d take it as his way of saying, “You’re right. I don’t like you, don’t want to hear from you, I’m not on your side and I’ll never give you anything you really want badly, no matter what.” 

Then I told him that if I didn’t hear the dog, I’d take it as his way of saying, “I do like you. I do hear you. I am on your side and maybe I’ll even grant you yours and your husband’s dream.”

So, I then got up and went out back. All was silent. I said to myself that I’d give it a few minutes. So I stood in the chilly, yet beautiful night, with the moon shining brightly and with the stars twinkling above me and I realized that I could just be playing a game with myself and having another one of those wishful thinking attacks, or this could be as real as I wished and hoped it was. Guess time will tell.

Gizzy’s back in the aquarium again. I realized that it was more than him just following instinct by chewing on the plastic air vents of the new cage, he was trying to tell me he wanted out of there. He couldn’t use the wheel in that cage cuz it’d jam up and he always loved the wheel he used in the aquarium. So I said to myself, “I bet he misses his old wheel and would love to return to his old cage. He could jump up onto the screen and chew his way out of his old cage, but I bet he won’t if he misses that cage and his old wheel as much as I think he does.” 

So I put him back in his old cage and sure enough, he ran right to his wheel and has been there ever since. I’d come to suspect he may not have been too happy in the other cage and was right, being the rodent expert that I am. In the other cage, he’d just sit in the tube when he wasn’t sleeping, eating, or trying to chew his way out. He’s totally come back to life and he seems much happier.

There’s a car next door now that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before, but not a sound from over there.

I’ll write more after I grab a bite to eat.

Later...

I just made pork chops and potatoes for us.

He went to bed at about 1 PM and I’ve got to wake him up by 8 PM. Of course, if we have sex and he cums, I’ve got to worry about how it’ll foul up my system and my next period. Then again, as I may have said before, he may have nothing to do with this and somehow, I wouldn’t be too shocked if I had a weird rag, even if he didn’t get off at this point on forward. I wonder what he’s gonna do, though? I was honest and expressed how our having sex during mid-cycle makes me more nervous, so we’ll see what he does. Maybe he’ll screw me at those times, but make sure he doesn’t cum. Or maybe he’ll try harder to cum to get me used to it and not so nervous about it.

Andy was here last night, as I said. His reaction to the journal was classic. I gave him the barrettes for Laura, the NPNs to mail, showed him stuff around the house, gave him his soap puzzle book, then handed him the journal. He looked at it with a bit of confusion on his face, then said, “This is cool, but how do you expect me to fill these pages? I haven’t even done the one I got a while back…” 

Then, “Oh my God!” as he saw that the book was already filled up and that I had written it for him. So he was pleased and I hope he enjoys it.

Andy and I had coffee and chatted and he did some Stevie research on AOL. He was here for 1.5 hours.

I wish Andy were sober more often. He’s so ditzy and air-headed when he’s stoned and doesn’t remember shit. He does have a better memory than most people, but his could be better if he didn’t smoke pot. He’s too smart for me to have to explain things over and over to him and for him to not remember so much of what I tell him. And it’s frustrating, too.

I did Tom a favor and took the garbage out, but that’s also cuz it stunk and I wanted to bring out a few other things that he would either not bring out or would bring out in a month. I ditched the 3 flower baskets that Ma gave us, cuz they kicked the bucket. I also went through my old mugs, which have been replaced by the new dog/cat collection and picked out 5 mugs that I ditched. I had had them for 10-15 years. One of them was a mug that Jenny C got me about 10-12 years ago.

Later...

Oh, fuck! Guess who’s back next door? No, not the freeloaders, the trailer. To the other side of us. About a half-hour ago, I heard that dog. Only for a second and when I peeked out front, I saw someone walking it. That tells me something right there. That if they’d let that dog go off for even a second at that hour, I’ll hear it just as much as I did, if not more. Thank God these trailer people don’t live there and are only there periodically. In fact, I’m surprised they were gone for as long as they were. Also, I hope to hell they take off in the morning and don’t come back till after sundown, as they do a lot when they’re here.

Tom’s still working, believe it or not, and he should be home any minute now. He’ll be going in tonight later.

It really fucking pisses me off that I can’t even have the back door open for the fresh air and have any peace in doing so. I really wish someone would shoot those dogs. Even with the fan on I can hear the fucking things. There’ll just never be any peace from dogs around here, but again, it sure beats screaming kids, balls bouncing, and even more so, that bass.

At 8 PM last night, I heard someone get dropped off next door and saw lights on. It was probably her and the kid being dropped off by her dad. Maybe that house isn’t for rent and the dickhead’s just not been around too much for whatever reason.

A few days ago, we tried getting Bunny in his harness. The body part fits fine, but the neck part is still too big, so he slipped that part down onto his body. Tom had quite a time untangling him and Buns wasn’t too happy about it. After he freed him, he started to bite his toe, but Tom pulled away just in time.

There were a couple of other animal happenings around here too, but first let me get a couple of other things out of the way.

Robin recently told me that in about a month or so, a major change would be taking place. She said not to worry, though, it’s not bad. It’ll be OK.

Well, it is only a matter of days before the shit hits the fan again, isn’t it? And if it doesn’t hit the fan in a bad way, there’ll be something hectic going on that’ll steal our time away. Although, as I get closer to mid-cycle, I’m starting to get more nervous and I don’t really want him getting off around that time. I don’t want any bad or weird reactions to it (although both of us wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get a normal period, anyway). Nevertheless, I still feel a child isn’t meant to be and that it should remain as it is - just a dream, as much as we do want a child. Not all fears were meant to be conquered, sterile or not. I just don’t want any problems and if I could get pregnant, I’ll just lose it before 3-4 months are up, anyway, so what’s the point of setting myself up for such a situation to occur?

Tom feels that the way my periods have been since last summer is normal and he says he’s surprised they were as predictable as they had been for about 12 years. He said he thinks my body’s just in a typical reproductive state and says that he’s known women whose rags were just like mine are now before they had kids. He also says it’s common for women to skip periods or be two weeks late and is surprised I don’t go through this, too. Well, it just goes to show how abnormal my female parts really are.

Also, Larry says that little Larry may not have been the one who carved those wooden rabbits, which I guess is on its way. So, as I warned Tom, we may be getting a “fraud rabbit.”

In animal news, Gizzy escaped last night, as I had put a piece of screen over one of his tubes to stop him from chewing the plastic cap that was there. It’d drive me crazy and I could hear it all through the house. He chewed right through the screen, cuz it was fiberglass material and not metal. I set the trap up and realized God would be much more likely to send me my mouse back, then to give me a child, so I told God, “I know this isn’t exactly the most appropriate thing to pray for, but please send my mouse into the trap.” 

I was a bit worried he’d really smartened up and wouldn’t go to it, but more of me did feel he’d go to it. He did, thank God. God actually answered a prayer of mine! So, Gizzy’s back home and I put a cap over the tube and secured it was duct tape. Hopefully, he won’t break out of this, but I highly doubt it.

Then yesterday, a small bird of some kind was hurt. He tried to fly away, but he just crashed right back down. I put him in the old birdcage that’s in the outside patio room. He fluttered a bit and it looked like his wings or legs or both, were injured. Then I called my folks. Dad answered and I asked if he had any advice for me, since he’s got a small bird. He said, from what I described, there was probably nothing I could do. He got that one right. The bird died while we were on the phone. I put it in a bag after I hung up from Dad, and then Tom brought him out to the dumpster when he got home.

Dad brought up that dreaded subject. He said they still really want us out there and that they’d spring for the tickets. Oh, brother! I really don’t want to go. Then he said that if we couldn’t get there, they’d have to make arrangements to come out here. Right! I told him we already discussed CA in May when he has a week’s vacation, but weren’t even sure if we could do that. Not with the way there’s always something going on. There’ll be a 50/50 chance of us getting to FL, CA or anywhere. I’d rather they come here and deal with us on our turf. Tom did say he’d like to go to CA. I told Tom that I didn’t want to go to FL, and he said OK, then we won’t go. I asked him to think about it and, omitting what I think and want, tell me what he thinks and wants.

Later...

Andy will supposedly be here at 6:30, but I hope he isn’t full of it. I don’t want him to show up at 8:00.

Dad also told me I had another package on its way. He says it’ll be here tomorrow, but I don’t think they realize how slow UPS is. I expect it next Monday or Tuesday.

I was gonna go out back, but fuck that shit. It’s far from peaceful with those fucking dogs. They sound like they’re right there in the yard with me.

I had a weird experience last night. Tom was in the bathroom putting his contacts in, and I was at my work table. I work facing the wall where the kitchen doorway is. It’s a few feet to my left. I know I heard someone walk up to the doorway and let out a slight sigh. It wasn’t Tom, though. After he left for work and until I crashed, I had a feeling something was in here. I don’t know what it was, though.

Someone’s mowing out there now. It’s been nearly 80º lately, so the grass isn’t as dormant around here. Gosh, I never thought I’d live where grass is mowed in February!

When Andy comes over, I’ll be giving him NPNs to mail and his presents. And 4 barrettes for Laura. I’ll also show him my latest drawings, the pictures, and Gizzy’s new cage. He wants to see how the trap works.

Right now Gizzy’s holding and cleaning his tail. It’s so cute.

Tom went to bed at around 2:00. I have to get him up by 10:00.

Again, something’s gonna come up and it might as well be now. Now’s good timing, cuz I’d really prefer it if he didn’t screw me or get off for about a week. Well, he recently got off, so maybe he’s still spent from that.

I’m gonna start one of the journals Andy got me for my birthday now. The paper’s pretty slick in it, though, so hopefully my markers won’t get smudged like crazy.

Two nights ago I had an excellent talk with my brother. We talked about so much and I could tell it was the first time since Larry died, that he really poured his feelings out. They should talk to each other and I hope they do and I’m glad to hear he’s not working as much, but sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who isn’t going through the exact same thing.

He mostly talked about how he’s pissed off at Tammy, and even kind of pissed off at Mom and Dad. I agreed with, can relate to, can understand everything he said. The only thing we don’t agree on is my belief that if we had a child who died, they wouldn’t come out here. He thinks they would. That’s what Tom thinks, too.

He wasn’t too thrilled at all about Tammy and Bill going to the hospital (I didn’t know Bill went, too). He called Dad the morning it happened, so he was pissed at Mom and Dad for telling Tammy to go to the hospital and to go to his in-law’s house in E. Longmeadow. I don’t know if they told her to go to the hospital, but he was pissed that she went there, cuz as he said, he hates Tammy, thinks she’s a loud, boisterous, phony, lying, exaggerating, asshole, and he doesn’t want to see her or to talk to her on the phone. He says he regrets going to see her and admits he only did it to please Mom and Dad. He said I, on the other hand, had a lot of problems in the past, but have turned into a good person. Yeah, well, I reminded him that I’m still not perfect.

What he complained about Mom, Dad, and Tammy saying/doing is nothing new. It’s something I’ve seen, heard, and dealt with, too, and I let him know that if I ever dumped Mom, Dad, and Tammy, it’s got nothing to do with him. Just like I told Lisa that if her mom and I were ever not talking, it had nothing to do with her or her sisters. Larry and I have come to know now, that if we’ve got a problem with one another, we can sit down and discuss it like two grown adults. Unlike Tammy, I know you can’t make someone want to associate with you, so I promised him that if he ever decided again for some reason that he didn’t want anything to do with me, not only must that remain a permanent thing, but that I’d respect and accept that and I promised not to call or write to him. I’ve learned to see and know when I’m not wanted or liked and I don’t want to bother with anyone who doesn’t want me around or like me. I’d rather be told to fuck off than to have the person “act nice.”

When Tammy told me that Jen told her she didn’t want to lose her too, please don’t go, I knew that was bullshit. I had mentioned this to Larry (now that we can keep stuff between us and trust each other) and he said that that’s bullshit, Jen doesn’t know her, can’t stand what little she does know about her, and that’s not her style to say something like that. Yeah, I figured. This isn’t the first time Tammy’s lied, exaggerated, or denied something she really did say, either. Mom and Dad are like this, too, but what he didn’t like about Mom and Dad, is something they’re well known for. Tammy’s bitched about this plenty of times and they used to do the same thing to me when I lived there. They say they’ll be around for a certain amount of time, but they end up not staying for even half of the time they said they’d stay. Even Larry agrees, there’s no reason why they couldn’t come out here. They could shut down their store and have someone take in those fucking dogs. It’s just not worth it to them, but the good about it is that I don’t have to deal with their shit in person. He said he’s shut down his business for a couple of weeks periodically when he’s had stuff to do or when he’s gone on vacation.

He said Dad said they’d stay around as long as he needed them. Then he told them he could really use their help (I think pertaining to the business), but then he said they were leaving the following day. Then, he found out they were still there, out having lunch with their friend they see all the time in Florida.

Typical, typical Mom and Dad too, to tell Larry to “get over” this tragedy. You can’t tell someone how to deal with something and what to think, believe, feel and do. Everyone’s different and everyone goes at their own individual pace and has their own way of handling things. They tell me not to tell Tom’s mom what to do, but it’s OK to tell their own kids what to do who are 31 and 43, huh?

As for Tammy, yes, she was really truly sorry that this happened and did want to be of any help she could be, but she used this as another opportunity to push her way into Larry, Sandy and Jen’s lives. All the while she’d exaggerate about her life (her job mainly), and treat her kids like shit, like she usually does, with the constant yelling, threats and cut-downs. She said really loud at the house in E. Longmeadow, something about Lisa having PMS, and then Larry said she said something about Lisa seeing what kind of damage a mother with PMS can do. That is so low. And a hell of a place to say something like that.

One of the things I always admired about Larry is how good of a dad he always was. He never laid a hand on his kids and he didn’t become another statistic. He didn’t carry on that abusive cycle and for it, he had one great kid and has one great kid. I’m not saying little Larry was perfect or that he, Sandy and Jen are perfect, but I think most kids would die to have parents like Larry and Sandy. This world needs many more parents like them. They’re very few. Way too few.

Yeah, I always knew that if I could’ve had a child, Tammy and Mom would play Mothers of the Century and make me feel like an incompetent freak who couldn’t handle it. It’s up to me to decide and tell myself what I can and can’t handle for we are our own best critics. If we’re honest with ourselves, only we can know what we can and can’t do and sometimes we can’t even know that, without trying something and without experiencing something. We all thought I couldn’t handle a relationship, but I proved myself and them wrong. However, I still don’t think I could be a good mother, even if I knew I wouldn’t be as bad as Mom and Tammy were/are.

I don’t know if he’s gonna dump Mom and Dad, but he isn’t calling them every day like he used to. I guess he’ll just talk to them when they call, but from what I gather, he’ll never call or see Tammy again. He said that the last time she called he was nice and polite and just told her he didn’t want to talk now, rather than come out and tell it like it is. I suggested he tell people what he really feels. That’s the only way, usually, and if he wants Tammy out of his life, he’s gonna have to tell her. One phone call will do it.

I was cracking up over one thing he said. I told him that Tammy told me that he seemed really out of it in the hospital and unaware of her presence. He then told me that despite the shock and misery he was in, he was playing more out of it than he really was, to get her to leave. That’s two of us in the family that can act.

This is what brought an idea to mind. I sent Larry this idea in my letter to him, cuz I thought about it after our talk, didn’t want to be another Tammy and bug him when he’s still not able or wanting to talk so much. The idea was for me to call him 3-way, then call Tammy. He could hit a button to let me know he was there and I’d say I accidentally hit a button. Then I’d tell Tammy I got a surprise person on my party line but wasn’t gonna tell her who it was till they returned from the bathroom that they just had to run to. Then I could casually bring up how cool it was of Jenny to have supposedly said this bullshit and she’ll say something like, “Yeah,” or “I know.” That’s when Larry can butt in, say he heard that, as he returned from the bathroom, and that that’s bullshit. Then she’s all his and he can have the floor and I’ll act like I don’t know what’s going on or what the big deal is. Then, when he’s ready to ditch her off the line, I’ll tell Tammy I’ll call her back sometime (of course when I do, I’ll have to act like the sympathetic sister who doesn’t know what’s going on). Larry may feel this isn’t worth the bother, but on the other hand, it’s the only way he’ll get her to fess up. Also, giving her a piece of his mind may make him feel better and, I admit, I think it’d be pretty funny. She’d only deny saying this to me about Jen if he were to ask her, anyway, and I still think she may have really told Mom and Dad about what I told her about our past sex life when she was in Florida. Why else would Ma include sex on her ‘do not discuss’ list? She was speaking for Tammy. I haven’t discussed anything sexual with them since before I ever came out here and believe me, I regret doing so in the past, and I never would again.

I really see the excellent possibility of my dumping Mom, Dad, and Tammy within the next few years. I just can’t keep stomaching their BS and they’re just not my type of people to associate with. About all I’d miss are the packages of goodies they send and my chats with Lisa, but as soon as Lisa’s out of that house, that’d be different.

I also laughed when Larry told me Ma said she wanted us all to get together for her 50th anniversary. Larry told her to keep dreaming. No shit! And where would we all get together and how does she think we could all conveniently do this? I mean, Tom’s got to work. He doesn’t have the luxury of having his own business that he could shut down in the event of a vacation or something like that like they do.

Also, Larry said she told him she was coming out here this summer. Yeah, right! It’s news to me and I told him she says that every 6 months to a year. I wish she and Dad would just come out and tell us they don’t ever want to come out here and they shouldn’t ever come out here if their hearts aren’t in it. That’d be unfair to both them and us. I don’t want them out here just cuz I’m their daughter if it’s not what they really want.

Later...

Well, well, UPS just delivered the pictures. I didn’t know UPS worked on holidays. Anyway, they sent a big picture in a frame with the two Larrys, Jen and my folks. I wish my folks weren’t in that one. My folks pretty much look the same, but my dad sure is a hefty one. Big Larry’s aged a bit and has gained weight. Little Larry is skinny like big Larry used to be, but he looks a lot like Sandy and Jen is a carbon copy of Sandy.

They also sent tons of pictures of their store (only they can send tons of pictures of stuff they’re into). There were a few shots of their condo, as well as a few others of the Larrys and Jen. I put one of little Larry and Jen into the picture frame ma sent with the journals.

So, tomorrow I’ll send my folks a letter and in it, I thanked them, of course. I’ve also got two envelopes going to Larry too, and I let him know I had an idea enclosed in them.

These last few days have been peaceful and productive. We had fun yesterday and he got off.

Back to my conversation with Larry. Well, I think I’ve covered the basics, but am bound to remember other details, which I’ll add in when and if I do.

I couldn’t resist calling Tammy after I called Larry and telling her how we had a long chat. You could hear the shock and envy in her voice, but all she asked was how he was doing. I told her he was hanging in there, as he said. Of course, if she had asked what we discussed, I certainly wasn’t gonna say, “Oh, just that you’re a liar and an exaggerating, phony bitch.”

I just left Andy a birthday message.

Yesterday turned out to be a very fun and productive day. First, Tom and I went to Wal-Mart where we got Ma’s new phone and also the best pens I ever had. There were 3 of my favorite colors in one package, pink, purple and light blue. Vision is the name of the brand and they have a window, just like Precise does, so you can see how much ink is in it. They’re not quite as fine-pointed as Precise, but I love them! So Precise has lost my business and now I’ll buy nothing but 3-packs of my favorite colors by Vision. Leave it to a writer to get all psyched up over a pen, huh?

Then we went to Mary’s and it was great to see Ma. She’s doing wonderfully but is a little weak. She has to keep testing her sugar level cuz of her diabetes. She has a machine that pricks her finger so she can test the level.

We talked and Mary fed us while we were there and I gave Ma a subscription for crossword puzzles that were in my word-find book. Then Tom and Mary went to the store to buy a shower massage for each of the two showers there and new handles that’ll turn easier for Ma while she’s there. After they left, Dave stopped in for lunch and he was his usual funny and joking self. I’d say he’s my favorite brother-in-law and my favorite sister-in-law is Sandy.

When Tom and Mary came back, Dave left shortly after and some old guy from the church came to visit Ma. So, Tom put up the shower stuff and I played computer games.

They have 4 hamsters and hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for them. You never saw anything like it! They have about 6 aquariums and so many wheels, tubes and burrows. So Mary brought out a box of cage parts and accessories and assembled a nice little cage for Gizzy. Wasn’t that nice of her? It’s a bit hard to describe its shape, but there’s the main part of it that’s a small square and it’s good cuz Gizzy’s not a runner who needs space. In that square, there’s a burrow with two entrances. It’s built into the cage. On top of the burrow is a deep dish for food or for them to nestle in. In the front left corner is a spot for the water bottle. To the right of the square is a wheel that’s attached to it and sticks out. To the left of the square is a short tube that shoots straight out, then a round tube that stems straight up from it. It’s about a two-foot difference from the lowest point of the cage to the top, which would be the top of the round tube. He really likes it and he can climb up and down the tube with no problem, as Tom and Mary had feared he couldn’t, but I knew he could. I haven’t seen him in the wheel yet, but I’m sure he’s used it and will use it. The tubes, wheel, and cage have many different colors of plastic. Clear, purple, pink, yellow, orange and red. I think I’ll want to start a little collection of my own and buy more tubes to run into the aquarium like they’ve got theirs set up. That way he can live in both his old aquarium and this new maze of a cage. They also had a separate wire wheel, like Gizzy used in his aquarium. Theirs is lavender and his is pink. The plastic, solid, attachable wheels they’ve got are mostly clear bright yellow, but she gave Gizzy a clear purple one. I thought his favorite places would be in the burrow and in the wheel, but so far, he likes to be at the top of the circular tube.

Still no pictures from my folks and again, I hope to hell they weren’t misdelivered.

We’re kind of back to being in the eye of the storm, but I have a general tension within me. I still have that sense of foreboding, saying it’s just a matter of days before some new shit goes down that’ll stress us both out and steal our time. There’s an ominous feeling in the air, but I don’t think Tom can sense it like I do. And I dread the next period and wonder how it’ll be. What kind of period will I have? I’m still a watery 104-pounder, despite the fact that my last rag ended up heavier than the two before it. I still feel it’s mostly water, somehow connected to my periods, but I also got fat, too. I’m so mushy, but I’ve still been too lazy to work out.

Tom’s working all through the holiday weekend and such weird hours, too. I don’t know how he does it, but he went in at 4 AM yesterday and has to go back at midnight tonight. He should be home at 1:30, maybe a little earlier. So at noon, I’ll make him Hamburger Helper. I want to and hope to have fun today, but I still have that nagging voice in my head saying - don’t do it. Don’t ask for trouble of any kind. Don’t set myself up to have weirder periods. Although, I don’t know for sure that his cum is causing my periods to fritz out. It could be some other unrelated reason, even though it seems too coincidental to be a gland problem or something like that.