Next door left that same day I saw his car there and I didn’t know it, so that’s very nice. I only knew it when I went to check later on and saw that there was no car there.

But I wonder what’s going on next door right now. I mean, all’s perfectly quiet, there are no cars there, but she’s got her living room blinds wide open and the place is brightly lit. This isn’t like her and I hope this doesn’t mean she’s gonna have some wild company. When I saw over there, the place looked almost bare and it’s the 31st, so I wonder if she’s moving. I doubt it, though, cuz why would she have to split at night if she were breaking a lease or something? You only need to do that in apartments usually. Also, there’s no car to move her and her stuff out and there’s no sign up to rent or sell the house.

I hope she doesn’t move. Not as long as she’s been this quiet and as long as he’s almost never here and quiet when he is here.

I got 25 dog and cat address labels from the Humane Society, so I threw them on the backs of people’s envelopes that I normally write to Kim, Bob, Larry, and my folks.

One of the books Ma lent me is another Dean Koontz book and it’s great.

I also have been totally obsessed with this new tiles game I got from AOL. It’s a type of Mah Jong game where you have to match the pieces. It’s a shareware game and the guy who programmed this game says that you’ve only got 30 days with it, or else it’ll shut down if you don’t pay the $20 registration fee. Tom says, though, that due to the fact that this guy’s got some bugs in this game, and cuz it’s his first game he programmed, it may not shut down when my time is up with it and I sure hope not.

We’re still having sex on a full-time basis and I’m so glad to say that things are so much better. There have only been one or two days in over a month since we’ve argued or since I’m been bumming about not being able to ever have a kid. I’m sure that the more time that passes, the less upset over not having a kid I’ll be. I just have to keep reminding myself of the good that I do have and of the fact that my being upset over it (even though we can’t help our emotions) can’t and won’t change anything. It wasn’t meant to be and therefore, I must live life and use what I do have and whatever else I may have in life and make the very best of it.

We went swimming today and the pool’s so comfy now. If only God or someone would kill every single bee in this world, though!

I broke down and went back to feeding the birds. Guess I just felt so guilty; taking care of them for so long, then starving them. It’d probably take a year to get rid of them anyway, so I told myself we’ve got many years before we move, we’re not having a kid to have to worry about it getting messed up within their duties, so just deal with their mess, keep it as clean as you can and enjoy your birds.

Later...

Now I know why she had her blinds wide open. I was just sitting down to listen to music when I heard a car door, so I went and looked and there was a car there. I just hadn’t noticed it before, cuz I didn’t check in the carport area, cuz he usually parks just outside the carport. If he’s gonna be here this weekend, or even longer, I just hope things stay peaceful.

Here’s another reason why he may have quieted down. I met her the day after I first met him and she seemed the least bit friendly and like she did not want to talk to me at all. Andy thinks that maybe she thought I was pretty and therefore, was worried about him noticing that, too. Well, I suspected that too, cuz unless she just doesn’t like whites, I never gave her a reason to not like me, so maybe she told him to shut up to stop me from bitching to him so that he couldn’t have to see me.

Anyway, I hope that their relationship continues to be a part-time one and that we’ll continue to have 2-4 weeks without him being there. That’s all I’d need is for him to live there all the time again, cuz then I’m sure the peace wouldn’t last. Not until I stopped it and I’d rather not have to. It’s June 8th that I’m worried about. That’s when they had that big bash. At least that day falls on a Sunday and not a Saturday, so if I have to listen to them that day, I shouldn’t have to listen to them really late. They had started up at about 2 PM that day last year and they were still going at it at 10 PM when we crashed, so for all I know, they could’ve carried on into the wee hours of the morning.

I just realized something else, too. When I went to listen to music, I heard what sounded exactly like a car door opening, then it was about a half-hour later (just a few minutes ago) that I heard a door shut. I hope that that doesn’t mean that he opened the door, spent a half-hour unloading it cuz he’s moving back in, then shut the door. God, please keep him away. Denying me a child is enough, so please! Keep things with him as they have been over the last several months and please! Shut those dogs up too, or have them decide to move.

Trying to shoo these birds away is like, yeah right! It makes me wonder if they’ll ever go away.

Today’s one of those days in a long time where I’m bummed again over not having a kid. I didn’t get hysterical or cry or anything like that, but that’s another thing I’ll just have to shoo away. It’s not meant to be. I can’t have it and that’s that.

Yesterday I was surprised to have gotten that Hits of 1984 CD, but it turns out that there were only two songs on it that I liked, so I taped them, then sent the CD back today.

I also got 3 free romance books I’d sent for. I hate romance books and the only reason I sent for them is to get the picture frame they sent with it. I gave the books to Ma, along with 4 out of the 6 books she gave me to borrow that I didn’t like, so she could give the romance books to Mary.

The picture frame holds two pictures. Small ones, so I had to cut them to trim them to fit in. I put one in of us, and one of Andy holding his cat back in MA.

Later...

Damnit! There’s a freeloader next door! If he came blasting in, then I didn’t know it, cuz he’d have had to have done it while I was listening to music. I hope he’s not gonna be here till Sunday. I mean, it’s gonna take many visits without him blasting off for me to get over the stress of seeing that car. Oh, I hate that asshole! Go away. Just go away! If he starts up, I swear I’ll kill him!

Later...

Well, it’s still over there next door. And my guess is that if it’s still over there by 9:00 or 10:00, it’s gonna be here for the weekend. I’ll do a freeloader check later and see.

Anyway, Andy and I talked for an hour yesterday and of course, he’s left me messages every day.

His days off used to be Wednesday and Thursday for the longest time, but now he’s off on Tuesday and Wednesday. He’s been happy, though. And that’s great, cuz for a while there, he was pretty bummed.

A couple of nights ago, he went to a bar and narrowed it down to the 5 cutest guys. That’s way more than I could ever narrow it down to. Especially when it comes to gay women. I’d be lucky to narrow it down to one person every 6 months. There are more gay guys that he finds attractive, whereas for me, there are hardly any gay women that I’d be attracted to. That’s cuz gay guys come in such a variety of looks. From femmy to manly. Gay women, however, all look the same. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen 98% of them.

So, he was about to approach the cutest one, when the cutest one approached him. The guy, it turns out had AIDS (and actually admitted it, too!). The guy told Andy that he’d be perfect for his husband. I think this guy’s name is Jeff and the husband’s name is Steve. Anyway, since Jeff’s gonna die, he wants to find someone for Steve and someone to move in with them, clean their house and service them, while they support him and give him $200 a week of spending money. Andy said that this used to be a fantasy of his and still could be, but we both know they’re full of shit.

Meanwhile, he’s still gonna go meet the husband to see what he looks like. Like me, he has to be attracted to anyone he has sex or a relationship with.

He also had an enjoyable 4-hour talk (4 hours, good God!) with a guy named Stan whom he stumbled across on the meeting line and is gonna be meeting with him, too.

I wouldn’t say this to him, cuz I don’t want to bring him down and sadden him, cuz he’s had enough of that, but it just seems obvious that his Mr. Right is no more meant to be than a kid is for us. Although, he stands a hell of a lot more chance at a Mr. Right than we do of a kid.

Andy will be calling any minute now. He left me a message saying he had to do some errands, but then he wanted to tell me all about the fantastic night he had last night. I left him a message back saying that that’d be fine, but that since I’ll have just talked to him, I’ll call him next week. Hopefully, he’ll take the hint; that he just calls too damn much. He, like many people, though, can be such opposite doers. You ask them not to do something, but then they do it, anyway.

I quit feeding the birds today. It’ll be hard. I’ll especially miss Measles, but this way, even though Tom said the choice is strictly mine, I won’t always have to deal with their mess, de-dutying, etc. It’ll take a while for them to go away, but in time, I may also be able to skate out there on the patio, too.

I saw a girl at Walmart when we were there and she had beautiful long hair. She told me to switch shampoos constantly if I want to help reduce the fuzzies. I’ve heard of this, too; that hair gets too used to and immune to the same shampoo if it’s used repeatedly for so long, so I got some Pantene. I’ll rotate between that and the Vidal Sassoon I’ve been using for years now.

Now it’s a few minutes after 3:00 and I knew it. Andy’s always late with phone calls and visits. So, I’ll really hear from him between 4:00 - 6:00.

Got a call from Andy and a message from Marla. Linda had twin girls. She said that the first one came out normally and easily, but the second one refused to come down, so they did a C-section. Then Marla said that someday I will know the joys and pains of motherhood and that it’s totally worth it. Yeah, I’m sure it is worth it, but no, I will not know the joys and pains of motherhood someday, but the more time that passes, the more I’m OK with that fate and will continue to be. I told her I opted not to see a doctor cuz that can’t change fate and I know that a miscarriage would be about as guaranteed as my being alive tomorrow and the next day. So, even though my husband will always bullshit me and say I’ll be pregnant at this time, then at that time, and so on and so forth, what matters is what is meant to be and that’s my husband and our happiness together. Among my many animals and hobbies. This is my fate. I am living my destiny.

Yesterday we went over to his mother’s and both Tom and I slaved over working on her thermostat we put in on her cooler and her light fixture in the computer room.

Mary came over at one point to take Ma to the cemetery and Ma also gave me 6 books to borrow.

Then we went to get an adapter for the other brand of tubes so we could connect those.

Then went to KFC.

The way we have Gizzy’s cage set up now is the coolest ever. We lowered Mary’s cage by taking out Piggy’s burrow and placing a couple of books under it instead. Then we put the Sam tubes going from Mary’s house down into the aquarium. Extending up from Mary’s house, at odd angles, are all the Play City tubes and we could have the whole thing extend over 10 feet, but since the ceiling’s not that high, we have it up to an inch from the ceiling. How we supported the weight of the tubes was by putting a hook in the ceiling, then tying yarn around the top part of the tube and the hook.

Later...

What a lovely morning I’ve been having. I got some of my own work done, then we screwed. We’ve even been having more sex! See Tom? I’m not writing bad things about you (I just showed him this)!

There had been a longer gap than usual where he was close to cumming, but not quite. He hadn’t had his Slim-Fast shakes for over a week, but he’s started those up again cuz he likes the taste and cuz it gives him more energy. So now hopefully he can keep up on his shakes and we can keep up on the sex and I know that I’ll feel better emotionally and physically. I’m gonna try not to worry so much about it if he cums during mid-cycle. I just have to trust that God wouldn’t allow me to get as far as two or more months pregnant, and then make me lose it. If he wanted me to get that far in the pregnancy, then take it away, he’d have made it happen by now and this is something that I’ll have to keep reminding myself of, as hard as I know it’ll be.

Another thing that’s helped my moods is how much we’ve gotten done around here. After my folks left and after Laughlin, I really thought he’d have a big lazy spell, but he hasn’t. He straightened up the few things that had gotten out of the place in the back room, he mowed, and more.

I know all good things must come to an end (except for us), but the longer I don’t feel starved sexually and like I have to compete with his mother for getting stuff done around here, the better I’ll feel. Both in the body and in the mind, since they’re so connected. Not feeling well puts you in a not-so-good mood, just like going through stress and bad emotions don’t make you feel so well.

I’d still say that yeah, I’d prefer it if he didn’t cum during mid-cycle. It’d be better for me and help us both to get along better. Since a baby couldn’t result out of mid-cycle screwing, anyway, it’s better to do what’d be best for my emotional state, but hey, all I have to do if he cums then, is remind myself that I will get my period. God can’t hate me that much and he wouldn’t let me have a second or third-month miscarriage. He knows I couldn’t handle that and he’d really have to have a beef against me, unlike he ever has before, in order to do that to me. Miscarriages are another one of God’s many trades that I just can’t fathom. He’s the creator of life. Therefore, why would he want to make a life just to turn around and take it away? I just don’t get that. I really don’t. Therefore, the only reason for it that I can think of is that it’s a punishment for whatever reason to those he lets that happen to. Think about it. Since when has there ever been such a case of a woman being glad she miscarried? There aren’t any cases of that and God wouldn’t do that to a woman who didn’t want kids or who shouldn’t be having them in the first place. I still say that the more fucked up you are and the more you don’t want kids, the more you’re gonna get them, so beware! Nothing can stop what’s meant to be. Nothing can change what isn’t meant to be.

I still believe that there is a reason for everything and that we all have a reason why we’re here. Well, most of us do anyway, and the reason why I’m here is for Tom.

I went for a swim before I began writing this entry and stood out there a bit to get a little color, the slow way, so as not to get sun poisoning.

Still no call from Shelly and each day that I don’t get a call, I’m more convinced my feeling is right about why I haven’t gotten any calls. Let’s see… I usually like to send my mail out on Mondays. That way people will get them on Thursday, so I’ll send her that last letter I mentioned sending her on June 9th, the day I’ll be here for half a decade.

I’m happy to say that so far, this has been a very peaceful 3-day weekend. And during the summers when those dogs don’t bark as much. The nice and surprising thing about the dogs too is that during the summers they usually do the bulk of their barking at night, but I haven’t heard that at night, so that’s good. I mostly hear them in the mornings and late afternoons. In the winter, though, it’s non-stop from about 7 AM - 7 PM

I’m still not sure I’ll chat with them about their dogs tomorrow. A part of me says I should do something about the damn situation once and for all, cuz we will be here for many years. At least 6-10 more years before we can move. The other part of me says that it won’t do a damn bit of good. I know it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good. Not after the letter I sent them. Anyone with barking dogs who gets a letter like that, can’t care about their neighbors or their dogs.

Later...

Tom and I just had a talk about Shelly. I told him that my theory was that I opened the door to bad memories for her from a horrible time in her life. He agrees, that yes, that’s very possible that that’s the case here. I then told him about the letter I planned on sending her on the 9th and he advised against it. He said that telling her in a letter that I understand that this may be the case, I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, I just wanted to mainly thank her for looking out for me, and she doesn’t have to ever contact me as that would only make her feel put on the spot and perhaps even guilty. Well, that’s the last thing I’d want to do to her, so I shall take Tom’s advice and let her deal with this on her own.

He agrees with me that I’ll probably never hear from her again, but like he told me not to, I don’t take it personally and I do understand. I just wish her the best in life in my heart and that’s it.

I’ve got another library book to read before beginning the ones that Ma gave me, so I think I’ll go do that now.

Later...

I’m watching part 2 of 3 of a mini-series about a serial killer. He killed those who got off by our whacked-out system and was guilty of very violent crimes.

I’ll write during some of the movie and the baby commercials.

Later...

OK, it’s baby commercial time again. Although, to my utter amazement, there hasn’t been any yet. I’m sure there will be. One of those EPT commercials will come on soon enough.

I hope this guy depicted in this movie gets off. If the courts won’t execute rapists, molesters, killers, and all those violent little fucks, society should.

An ad just came on about the Annual Music Awards that’ll be on soon, but they suck. I used to love the awards, but I got so sick of them in the early 90s, cuz they’re all nothing but awards and performances by screaming freeloaders. Screaming all about drugs, sex and violence.

I’m glad the weekend passed peacefully. Earlier, I did hear music for a few minutes, but it wasn’t the freeloader. There haven’t been any cars over there all weekend.

Some parts of this movie are boring, so I think I’ll use up this boring part, to go make coffee.

What is it with Tom and chairs? I sit in them and I have no problem. He sits in them and he breaks them. He didn’t break this new chair, but two of its wheels fell off and I know he took them off. The chair was fine the last time I used it, and he had said not to worry if something fell off cuz it’s new and may need tightening. Yeah, well, he’s gotten pretty obvious. I’m sure he said that cuz he knew he intended to take the wheels off cuz I told him not to ruin this chair. I should’ve known better than to tease such a sensitive guy about all the chairs he fucks up.

Why are guys usually sensitive in the wrong kind of way?

Later...

We got cone-shaped coffee filters for the old Melita coffeemaker that I got the first time I lived on Woodside Terrace. In one of the glass storage jars my parents brought, there was coffee in it. I put a pinch of cinnamon in the coffee and it tastes so good. Just like the cinnamon coffee Nervous and I used to drink together when he’d come for visits on Oswego St.

I looked back in my journal and it was last June 8th that next door had that loud and very long party that went for at least 8 hours. Tom had said that he thought it might’ve also been a special occasion, besides a get-together to show off their new house to their friends and all that. So, we’ll see what happens that day, but I’m hoping that he won’t be around then, if it is a special occasion of some kind, like his birthday. Or hers.

I feel more and more like it’s very important to “do right by God” and to do the right thing, even if I have no choice and even if I don’t want to. What I’m saying is, I just hope to hell that he doesn’t cum when I’m mid-cycle next time. I know all I’d have to do if he did, would be to tell myself that God would never put me through a miscarriage, therefore, we missed it, but it’s not that easy. I still fear it greatly. Even though I can’t ever see that happening, cuz I’m sure it would’ve happened by now if God was gonna put me through that, I still fear it. God has about 6 billion people to deal with, so what if he forgets to protect me from a miscarriage? I know I’m being silly by worrying over something that couldn’t be and that he wouldn’t let be, but I do. Also, the only way I’m gonna find longer-lasting peace would be for him to not cum when I’m mid-cycle. I mean, the difference in how I feel when he doesn’t cum at that time, compared to when he does, is like the difference between night and day. There’s no constant stress, depression and anxiety. I don’t feel like I want to drop dead. I don’t feel like I’m gonna panic every other second. I don’t cry for hours. I don’t feel so angry or frustrated. The feelings of being cheated and controlled are gone. I don’t feel so cursed or manipulated. I can function this way and live life for this is my destiny. This, that I’m doing now, is my true destiny. My peak, my purpose in life. To take care of Tom in any way I can and do my hobbies and keep the house as clean and as organized as I can. People, especially me, do what they have to do, not what they want to do. I have to keep my emotions as much in control and as stable as possible, so I can live and make the best of what I’ve got. This is my life. It’s where I’m supposed to be. It’s what I’m meant to do. And I must do it as best as I can and to do that, I need to be as calm and as at peace as I can be.

If he gets off next mid-cycle, no matter how much I know we’ll miss it and that we’ll always miss it, all that stress, depression, frustration, anger, anxiety, and feelings of being controlled, punished, manipulated and cheated, are gonna come flooding back quicker than I can wish them away.

So please God. I know my fate and I know what’s meant to be for me and what’s not, so please, never forget to look out for me. Please, make sure he doesn’t get off at that time. Don’t make me fear a miscarriage every month, no matter how much the part of my brain that’s very realistic, knows that I won’t have to ever have one.

OK, this is my conclusion about what’s up with Shelly. Yes, she’s got no life, but she also could’ve easily had her husband or her mother watch her sons while she made a quick two-minute call to me to tell me she’s just too tied up to talk. So, this is what I’m gonna do. If I don’t hear from her in two weeks, I’ll send her a letter telling her that if for some reason she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, I respect that and she doesn’t have to call if she doesn’t want to. She was a friend to me and I don’t want her to do anything that she doesn’t want to do.

Later...

I’m making a TV dinner now, and before that, I listened to music to music.

I guess today we’re going to see his mother. He said Mary and he talked last night and she said we can get tube-connector adapters that’ll allow both Play City and Sam brands to connect.

It’s now been 5 years since they came and rescued me from the NHA.

Anyway, for a couple of days, the trailer was here, but I didn’t hear one peep out of that dog. It’s nice to know someone cared enough to do something about it.

I put 4 flags up in the bedroom over the beds, as I had cleared that wall shortly before my folks came. I put up two different Snoopy flags, one with Tweety and the cat and then the parrot one.

I’ve decided to stop feeding the birds after their food runs out. I’m just so tired of the mess they make.

Yesterday, I took my winnings and went shopping. Tom and I split up so he wouldn’t see what I was getting him. I got him 3 new pairs of boxers, 4 new pairs of black socks, and a wallet. His old wallet was falling apart.

I asked him if he’d want me to give him his present on our anniversary and his birthday, or if he’d like them now. He wanted them now and was pleased with the presents.

Andy got his present yesterday too, and said it was a nice surprise that he really enjoyed. I sent him a Xena article from the TV guide, that printout of my chat with that boring guy, and a couple of NPNs.

Tom picked up something really nice at Walmart. A thing with about 36 little square pots for planting stuff. He got two packets of cactus seeds and we watered and planted those yesterday. They have to start off indoors, and in about 3-21 days, we should see stuff starting to grow. Then, when they get to be half-inch tall, we can plant them outdoors.

Yesterday I also picked up birthday cards for my mom and for Becky and a Father’s Day card, too.

Yes, something’s definitely up with Shelly, who still hasn’t called. It’s either that she really really has no life, or she’s got something against me, but what? All I can think of is that I may have opened the door and rehashed bad memories for her, but I don’t know. She didn’t seem to have any problems at all discussing her past and the time we spent with Dotty.

After Tom and I went out yesterday, he went out by himself to his ma’s house and to do grocery shopping. He also got a nice new mouse pad with saguaro cactuses in bloom.

I got around to getting myself a few nice things and I even have $71 left over!

There were a few other nice things I saw but didn’t buy. Like a leopard pattern journal, animal stickers (over 100 of them), a fake, yet pretty cactus deco, and other odds and ends.

I didn’t get any stationary yet, but there are a couple of other things I’d like to get more with the money that’s left over. Today we may go to a used computer store to get a new chair for the computer. For the 3rd time, the chair we’ve been using is falling apart. The canvas on the back of it is just too light and it’s ripping again. Andy, who I talked to yesterday, agreed that that would be a good investment. Hopefully, we can find a decent enough chair for around $30-$40, then I’ll use what’s left over to buy Gizzy more tubes.

Anyway, I ended up buying a couple more sundresses. One’s got thin spaghetti straps and has purple flowers on it against a light blue background. The other has white straps that are about a half-inch wide that goes around the neck and arms. It’s got white/purple daisies on a purple background.

Later...

Well good, there’s no car next door, so hopefully, he won’t show up this weekend and all will be peaceful enough.

I made Tom Shepherd’s Pie in a different kind of way since he doesn’t like corn. I made it with Hamburg and potatoes, but I topped it off with macaroni and cheese, instead. Then I made vanilla pudding for him and pistachio pudding for me.

Now I’ll go see if I’ve got any email before it gets impossible to log in.

Later...

I’m sitting here now on our new computer chair. It is so comfy and by far, it’s the best chair we’ve ever had! Its seat and back are cushioned and the back part flexes a bit. It’s also got arms and it swivels, too. It’s burgundy colored and it also raises up and down. It only costs $45 and that’s a hell of a deal compared to what’s out there. We looked in several different stores before we found this one and the cheapest chair we would’ve wanted that was on wheels and that had arms, was $100. Also, the chair has a 6-year warranty, so if it breaks I won’t have to slave over trying to fix it as I did with the old chair. And of course, the one we had before that broke, too.

I also made the mistake of buying Gizzy more tubes that were of a different brand. Tom, though, says not to worry, cuz we can use pipe clamps to clamp them together.

I’ve really had with those damn dogs. I’ve had it with them years ago, so on Tuesday, I’ll be going to talk to them and give them a piece of my mind about it. Why Tuesday? Cuz that’s the next workday that those assholes will be doing daycare. Therefore, they’ll be more likely to answer their door than now. Now, they may just assume I’m some religious fanatic going around bugging people. Also, on Tuesday, that big black mouth next door won’t be there to possibly overhear my complaint. If she did hear it, she may go do something herself. Like get a dog of her own to piss me off.

Once again, I know it’ll do me no good, cuz only about 99 out of 100 neighbors give a shit about other people around them, but if this doesn’t work, I’ll just go ahead and file a formal complaint and to hell with what Tom thinks about it.

I forgot to mention that as we pulled in from the trip, we approached next door from the opposite direction and it looked like the net may still be locked after all. It’s hard to tell. That’s good, though. I didn’t want anything too obvious that’d stand out and draw attention and suspicions. At least the kids haven’t been back since the last time they got their ball stuck. So far, anyway. I just hope to hell that this 3-day weekend isn’t wild around here, but if it is, my schedule’s set for it, so I don’t have to worry about getting woken up. As long as he stays out of the picture next door, there shouldn’t be any problems.

It looks like Tom might’ve been right after all, about his theory that his music bothered her next door. When he was here 3 weeks ago, he didn’t play his music at all, let alone softly and I know he didn’t suddenly shut up out of the goodness of his heart. Nor did she convince him to shut up on behalf of me out of the goodness of her heart.

I ended up not taking his laptop on the trip. Originally, I was gonna type stuff up on that during the trip, then copy and paste it into its journal file and hand-write it into its written book, but the reason why I didn’t take it, is cuz it would’ve been a pain in the ass. The keys are too small even for me, so I didn’t feel like typing with one finger.

I’m really starting to wonder about Shelly now. Ever since she didn’t call when she said she was gonna call the week my folks were here about airfare, something’s been nagging at me. A feeling that perhaps something’s wrong with her or close to her. Or maybe I’ve brought back bad memories for her that she can’t deal with. She and I knew each other during a horrible time in our lives. Then yesterday, I called her at 10:30 AM our time and she said she was just stepping out to get her son’s hair cut and that she’d call back in a little bit. Well, she never called. I know that being a mom means having no life and no time for anything. However, she couldn’t have squeezed in two minutes to call to tell me she was busy? She never found the time, in the midst of her motherhood, to send me those pictures she said she was gonna send and a quick note. I never expected her to write as I do. I mean, I know no mother can write a 32nd of the amount I do, etc., but something’s definitely up. If I’m right, and if she’s really got a problem that’s got to do with me - I wonder - how long’s she gonna keep it a secret? When is she gonna come out and say so? Or will she just continue to never call me or send me any mail, all the while just accepting my letters and telling me she’s on her way out the door if I call? I know being a mother means only having 5 minutes of free time in a whole day, but if it means not even having one minute of free time in a whole day, then maybe I better be thankful that having a kid will always be just a dream. That is if that’s the case with her. And what would Andy have done if I had been able to have a child? He’d really feel neglected, abandoned, cut off, and just plain old dumped by his best friend.

Now, about next month’s bullshit pregnancy date - first I must say that I’ve really come to prefer it when he cums at the wrong times. Both physically and mentally I feel a million times better. I love it! And yes, I think I really can get used to this and simply dreaming and imagining life with a child.

Tom, I’m going to get my way with this cumming issue and your next month’s BS isn’t gonna hurt me! And God? I do have some rights/control over my own body!

Anyway, I told Tom to make up his own mind about what he wants to do and not to bother telling me. That way, we can avoid any more mid-cycle fights. I’ve always believed (regardless of how much God may or may not interfere) that if and when Tom wants to screw more, cum more, and really do something to say we’ve tried our best to make a kid and use all our options here at home to make one, he will. No problem. So, I told him on AOL that if he decided he’s ready and gung-ho to do what he can to make the kid next month as he said he was, to just do it. And also, that if he decides he’s not ready to, isn’t in the mood, etc., to just not do it and I’ll assume that he had the very best and most sincere reasons for his decision and that he felt he was doing the right thing.

I’m sure that when the time comes, God and he will aid us in a fight and also aid him in not getting in there. If he does get in there, I’m sure he’ll say he tried to get off, but just couldn’t, cuz he’d rather not say he’s not as ready for a kid and that he’s not interested in one as bad as I am. And of course, if he does cum, we’ll miss it by a day or two.

After nearly 11 months of him cumming so little, it’s way, way obvious that he’s not only not as interested or as ready for one, but that he still is pretty damn hung up on my waiting on him and his instilling patience in me and he still gets off on hearing me beg for more sex. I just wonder - how many more years does he need to enjoy himself with this shit? I’m also back to thinking - well - I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if everything was planned; the not cumming for the first couple of years, and now this for the last year. But yes, he did accept the fact that a kid could’ve resulted over the last year when we were close to the right time, and yes, he’d have been OK with it, or else he wouldn’t have risked cumming at all. Still, why couldn’t he have said that he wanted to use birth control at first and let me know when he still wasn’t really ready at all? Were his games and telling me what I wanted to hear really worth not getting any release?

Well, the fact of the matter is - there’s still God. No matter what we do or when we do it - God owns this body and I don’t have the right to choose to bear life with it.

I feel so much better now that I’ve caught up on my sleep. I slept for a good 9-10 hours.

I sent letters to Shelly, Kim, Bob, Larry and my folks and told them all about our trip and how I lost at first, then broke even where the casino basically paid for me to gamble, and then won. I left out how I was carded twice.

I forgot to mention how Bunny went swimming a few days ago and yes, he swims just fine. Even better than Piggy, in a sense, cuz he can get out and Piggy can’t. I put Bunny into the water about a few feet from the stairs and he swam to the top step, then hopped out from there.

Upon coming home, there was a nice treat waiting for me from that address label company I use. Due to how much I’ve bought from them, I’m now a preferred customer and can get quicker service, a 10% discount and they sent me 10 different labels. Some were pictures and some were drawings and they consisted of two Snoopy ones, unlike the ones I’ve got. A smiley face, horses, a pretty teacup, golf balls with faces, a country scene, a teddy bear reading a book, an American flag, and a birthday cake that says Happy Birthday on it. That’ll go on my mom’s birthday card. These labels only had my name on them, though, cuz the catalog is in just my name.

Later...

I can’t believe this husband of mine when it comes to sex and a kid! I went to apologize to him for going off on him about something earlier, then I fibbed a bit. I said I was sorry that I “forced” him into agreeing about next month and making the baby then and all that bullshit. Well, I didn’t force him into this agreement and he should’ve said so, but I think that that’s his way of getting out of something that once again, he isn’t ready to do, but can’t help but say he is, cuz he knows how much it means to me.

Later...

Tom and I had fun earlier, which was nice, but as usual, he didn’t cum.

I also called Shelly and she was on her way out to get her kid’s hair cut. She said she’s been thinking of me and of calling me and that it’s her turn to call, so she’ll call back soon.

Gambling was fun and I even came out a winner! However, trying to sleep in the hotel room, especially when I was trying to sleep, was a nightmare, but I’ll write all about the trip when we get back and settled in.

Later...

Changed my mind and decided I’d write some more during this incredibly long and boring trip. At least the scenery’s beautiful. There are all different kinds of cacti. Soap Yuccas, Ocotillo, Saguaros, Prickly Pears, etc.

OK, I shall try my best, as legibly as I can, to update now.

We stopped at McDonald’s in Kingman for a bite to eat, then arrived in Laughlin close to 10 AM.

I bought Ma a cute kitchen magnet with an Indian design, feathers and beads, as a way of saying thanks for financing our trip. She was very generous and gave us a few hundred dollars.

I didn’t buy myself anything, but I gave Tom extra gambling money and paid for the gas and some malt balls for him on our way back.

It’s nice to say that I’m returning home with $150 and now I no longer have to worry about buying something for Tom’s birthday and for him for our anniversary. I know he’d be satisfied enough if I were to make him something or draw something for him, but I can do that for him anytime. I can’t always buy him stuff, though.

I may get him shorts, socks, a bathing suit or more boxers. That way he’d have 9 pairs of boxers, instead of 6. Any money left over, I’ll spend on myself. I have enough journals for a while, so who knows what I’ll get?

I think I’ll break for more of the munchies we got before we left Phoenix.

Later...

I wish it were cloudy and overcast out there now since I forgot to take sunglasses.

Actually, I did buy myself something. A lighter with a pretty cactus on it.

There are lots of Joshua trees right now where we’re driving. We should hit Wickenburg in about 20 minutes, so we can pee and get some fries or something.

Anyway, we tried a casino first that I think was the Gold River and I instantly had a bum luck vibe in there. Sure enough, I lost about $40 there, but Tom broke even.

Then we went to the Pioneer casino where I began to hold my own, too.

Then we settled at the Ramada Express and got a room there at 11:30 AM. It was an ugly room with a king-size bed on the 14th floor (really the 13th floor). I had the best luck gambling at this place, though, hitting all 7s 4 different times, and I also won $80 and $125 too, along the way. I’d constantly hit 40 quarters and 160, 80, 15, etc.

Later...

Less than an hour to go! I’m sick of being on the road!

So, besides gambling yesterday, we ate at a Denny’s-like place. I got a delicious T-bone steak and he got a hamburger.

It was about 3 PM when I first tried to go to sleep and oh my God! People were slamming and banging their doors and I’ll never again sleep in a hotel unless my schedule’s such that I’m sleeping at night. I ended up being up for a good 20 hours, only to wake up a few times when he’d snore or move our blanket. I finally got up just after 1 AM and he did, too.

The bed wasn’t as hard at this hotel, but they’re all still much harder than I like.

We were too tired to do any screwing after only 3-5 hours of sleep, but we will after we’ve caught up on our sleep at home.

The thermostat in the room was fucked up. You either had to have the room freezing or heated.

So I lost at the Gold River and broke even at the Ramada before trying to sleep but now I’d win and be compensated for the lack of sleep.

Prior to gambling and winning in the wee hours of the morning, we stopped back at that restaurant. He got another hamburger and I got beef skewers.

There, I also got my much-needed coffee, since I could not get the water hot enough for it in the hotel room.

There wasn’t any stationery in the room, so I’ll tell everyone about our trip in the usual letters that I send.

I still haven’t heard from Shelly, so if I haven’t heard from her by early next week, I’ll call her and see what’s up. Maybe she tried calling while we were gone, and I can only imagine how many times Andy’s called!

I hope all’s OK with the animals. They must be pretty hungry and I’m looking forward to seeing Bunny, Piggy, Gizzy and the birds, too.

Well, you could say this is the most I’ve ever written while on vacation.

Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’ll be on the road. I’m not looking forward to a grueling 4 hours on the road and another 4 tomorrow. I am looking forward to gambling again, though! I will save any more I may write for when I’m on the road.

Later...

Here I am checking in from the road. It’s still not very light for writing. Yeah, I know, my handwriting’s a nightmare.

We’re still in the city, but we should be out in nowhere land soon enough.

Later...

We’re almost out in the middle of nowhere, but we had a detour. The road was blocked due to an accident.

The land is flat on both sides of us, then off in the distance, there are mountains galore.

Later...

We’re on a very rough road right now.

I sang Tom a few songs and now I’m gonna read my library book.

I just randomly chose this guy on AOL that was in a chat room to send instant messages to. I said a bunch of my weird shit, then printed it out for Andy. He ought to get a kick out of it and I’m sure he’ll want to bug someone with me sometime.

I wish it were 4:00 in the morning right now. I’m so psyched up for that time, cuz Tom and I are going to a casino that’s on the edge of city limits on an Indian reservation to gamble. Can’t wait! Then in a day or two, we may go to Laughlin.

I slept fine last night. Not as late as I’d have liked to, but no stereos woke me up.

I just cannot wear earrings anymore. I tried again, but all they do is make my earlobes itch. Not even anti-itch cream helped, but I’m not about to ditch all my earrings. They’re too nice.

Again, his not cumming at the times I’m eligible for a miscarriage, really takes the stress off of me. I don’t have nearly as much of a bummed out and hopeless feeling, whereas the more he cums around that time, the more I’m sure that God’s making us miss it so I don’t have to suffer losing it, which I couldn’t handle. So why doesn’t he just let us hit it and have the baby? Obviously, cuz he feels I couldn’t handle that either. Or that I don’t deserve it.

His plan for me works out well, though, cuz I’m really looking forward to gambling. Something that’s pretty hard to do with a kid in tow. You can’t take kids into the casino, either. That’d mean we couldn’t gamble together and that one of us would have to watch the kid in the hotel room, while the other gambled. Yes, it’d be worth it. Well worth it. But fate is fate and a child isn’t a part of my fate. It isn’t a part of our fate.

Later...

Well, we lost. We went to Harrah’s, and although the casino was small, we had fun. It took about an hour to get there and it wasn’t crowded at all. There were mostly older people in there.

Either tomorrow morning or the next morning, we’ll be going to Laughlin.

I just called Mom and Dad and told them all about this morning. When Mom got off the phone, I asked Dad if I looked chubby, since he hasn’t seen me in so long and since I knew he’d be honest. He said no. I was shocked. I really thought he’d at least say, “Well, a little.”

Anyway, they wished us luck in Laughlin.

Well, now it’s officially car stereo day. I hope to hell, since I’ll be sleeping from around late morning to early evening, that no stereos wake me up.

It’s gorgeous out there right now. A little warm and windy, but the wind chimes sound so pretty. I saw lightning, so I wonder if it’ll storm. I doubt it will, and it was probably just heat lightning.

Tom explained some things to me to give me a better understanding of a couple of things he’d said. I had thought he said that we didn’t have a choice about either getting me pregnant next month or soon enough, but he was saying that in order to get me pregnant in the first place, we had no choice but to screw. The truth is, that in order to dodge me getting a miscarriage, God and he must keep the screwing and cumming down and mostly God, has to watch what days he cums.

He also said that she wasn’t the one that filed for divorce. They both did together and no, he wasn’t miserable about the divorce, cuz he was miserable being with her, cuz she was crazy. I should’ve already written about this, but she was a schizophrenic who was raped by her brother (he didn’t know she was crazy when they got married), and I guess she got more and more out of it and one night, he said he found her standing over him in bed, holding a knife, while thinking he was the brother. So, the divorce was basically cuz he was miserable and cuz she decided she wanted to experience life on her own. They were married for about two years and I think he was somewhere between 18-20 when they first got married. She’s one of the ones he said he never had problems cumming with and they used rubbers.

Tom introduced me to something really cool yesterday that I wish I knew of a long time ago. In my ‘whatever’ file on the computer, I had phone numbers and addresses, bookmark names I use to mark my spot in the journal files I’m slowly proofreading, text colors I use, and an inventory of my CDs and tapes. Well, the thing he showed me is called Cardfile and it’s to electronically replace a Rolodex of index cards that a lot of offices have. I also made a group of cards with each journal file’s general info. Like what journal numbers are in which group, the ages I was in that group, where I lived, and the dates that group ends and starts.

Tom told me that he’s heard that the average married woman’s complaint is that there’s not enough sex. That’s news to me. I thought I heard that the average woman’s complaint, married or not, was that the guy’s either too horny, too violent, or both.

Then I asked him how most women, including us, worked this out (those that say they aren’t getting enough sex), and he said, by compromising. Wait a minute now. I thought he too, wanted more sex. Therefore, if two people want the same thing, then you don’t have to compromise on anything, right?

I caught him in his bullshit about my getting pregnant next month too, whether or not he knows it. We cleaned my stereo and got a hair out that was real close to wrapping itself around the motor again. He said that about once a month, I should clean the lens. I said I’d do it during each period, so I don’t have to mark it down on a calendar and try to remember how long it’s been since I did it last and he said OK. He knows I’ll be getting my periods.

Well, it’s been a quiet weekend (that I know of since I slept most of the day), and you know who hasn’t been next door.

If I was seeing right, the net’s untangled again. I couldn’t tell for sure since I can only see it from odd angles unless I walk right up to it.

Tom asked for fun yesterday morning and my weak spot said yes. I told him, though, that instead of making sure his angle is off so he can’t get in there if he doesn’t want sex, to just say so from now on. However, he got right in there, God didn’t interfere, but I was surprised he didn’t cum. I really thought he was going to and that God would have no problem with that at this time. I’m out of the miscarriage zone. He said he didn’t for 3 reasons basically and that’s that it was too warm in there, he was too aroused, and cuz it’s been a while since we’ve screwed. Now that’s where I’m different. He says that when he’s too aroused he can’t get off. Weird. The more I’m aroused, the more I need to and do get off. He also says that the more he screws, the more he cums. Well then knowing that, and knowing he’s supposed to want a kid, why doesn’t he screw more?

Once again, though, we both swore we wanted more sex, but I know that’s not gonna happen and when it does, it’ll only be for about a week. I also know that the pregnancy he says is gonna occur next month is bullshit. He just picks the wrong subjects to joke about.

Nonetheless, yesterday was a much better day than the two days before it and we got along much better, too.

In the midst of his second job at his mom’s, we went to the library and I got part 3 of the Blackstone Chronicles. So, I’ll be halfway through the series after I read this.

Well, now he’s on vacation, but I was a week early when I said that this weekend was Memorial Day weekend. It’s next weekend.

How am I gonna brush him off for sex tonight when he gets up? I mean, I know that the right thing to do and the best thing to do would be to refuse any propositions, but we all have our weak spots. My heart wins over my head sometimes and it may be hard to say no. I’ll just have to think of and remind myself of the consequences and the problems that sex brings, I guess, and try my best. Hopefully, he’ll just plop himself down in front of the TV all night and won’t initiate sex.

You bet your ass that next month, next time I’m in the “miscarriage zone,” I’m gonna stay the hell away from him cuz that way there can’t be any fights about how he said that I was gonna get pregnant next month. When I’m in danger of a miscarriage also, I’m not gonna do anything foolish and if we just don’t have sex then, I can’t feel hurt and angry that he lied yet again, for the hundredth time, about my getting pregnant.

I’d like to know what he meant when he said we didn’t have a choice about my getting pregnant next month. Or was it real soon that he said? I had said something about us waiting till I was closer to 40 cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time for a kid cuz of all the work he does for his mother, among other things he does, and he said something about there being no choice. That doesn’t make sense. Back when I had first said that if we didn’t want kids, we’d have them cuz that’s how God works, he had said, “Not me. If I didn’t want kids, I wouldn’t have them and I’d use protection.”

I had asked him if he wanted me to leave if I’m so hard to talk to and cuz of our sex lives and he said no and that he felt that my leaving would be a huge mistake and make our lives miserable. I always knew that if I were suddenly without him, despite how much we argue and despite how the sex is or isn’t, I’d be miserable. But him? How would he be miserable? He didn’t really answer, cuz he said the answer was complicated. Guess I was too stupid to get it, huh?

I wonder, though, did he feel that way about his first wife? I know he told me she filed for the divorce and why, but did one of them or both of them feel it’d make their lives miserable?

I asked him over AOL and he said he’d answer in person, remind him Saturday afternoon. Why then and not tonight? Does he have to have time to think of the answers? Or is it just that he loves me to wait on him so much?

I made that wonderful dessert Ma taught me to make, but I forgot to chop the walnuts. Oh well. Anyway, what you do is put pistachio pudding mix in a bowl and throw in a can of crushed pineapple. Then you add some mini marshmallows, cool whip, whole/pitted cherries, and chopped walnuts. You mix this all up and it’s ready to eat.

Last night was a really shitty night. He ended up getting up at 5:30, instead of 9:30. I’m so sick of both him accusing me of arguing when all I’m really doing is expressing my feelings and I’m also so sick of this sex shit. It’s like, I can’t even express my fears, worries or doubts without him getting impatient, frustrated, or called negative and being told I cut him down and it’s the same old shit with sex. He says he’s just the way he is, but all the while he still makes it sound like I’m too bad to have sex with and like there’s never the opportunity. He keeps saying he wants more sex and a kid and that I shouldn’t give up, but how does he expect me to feel? It’s been the same old shit for too long now and I’m tired of his games, too. If he’s got so many problems with me that don’t allow him to have the kind of sex he says he wants, maybe he’s having sex with the wrong person. We’re just not compatible in bed and we’re just not able to communicate. I know I may not always use the proper words when I talk, but I’m tired of being misinterpreted and of the complications sex brings.

We’ll never have a child on our own or by a doctor, sex is either the same old shit or non-existent, so why do we bother? I mean, I love this man to death, but as I said, our sex lives will never change and we’ll obviously never be able to have a conversation without it ending up in an argument.

He went through this new list of jobs he’s gonna do for his mother (why doesn’t she have him just tear down her whole house and just start over?). Then he said that she’d finance a trip for us during his vacation. That’s really sweet of her, but then all I meant to do was express my concern about him having enough time if we had been able to have a child and he took it all wrong.

I’m just getting more and more frustrated and even angry. And each time I say I’m gonna hang up our sex lives, I feel it’s getting easier to do and closer to the day where I really will do that. The bulk of our problems and arguments are due to sex and it’s got to stop. It’s got to! I feel more and more that the best way for us to get along is for me not to say anything unless it’s absolutely necessary and for me to get a vibrator. I think, though, that he’s gonna do all he can to stall me from getting one so that I won’t be tempted to turn to that to fill in what we together, can’t or don’t fill in. Maybe he feels that’d also be a threat to his games.

I still also think that this whole thing is a combination of things. Problems we really have that we don’t want to have, God, and him playing games. I still don’t buy it when he says that he wants a fuller, better sex life that’s more frequent, and a kid. I mean, he does, I’m sure, but I don’t think he’s in that much of a hurry or that he wants this as bad as I’ve been saying I did. I think he loves to play hard to get, loves to make me wait on him, etc.

No, this doesn’t mean I have any desires to leave him or to have sex occasionally with a woman, but at this point, even though I highly doubt it, I don’t know if I’d say no to a woman who hit on me that I was attracted to. Well, this could and would never happen (an attractive woman hitting on me), but I’m just tired of this, and as far as God goes, if he doesn’t want to help me or to help us and if he doesn’t care, then neither do I. He must want this for us in order for him to keep allowing us to be going through this, but I’m not gonna be a part of this never-ending cycle of bullshit anymore. We’ve tried our best to change (even if I feel I’ve tried more and harder), but nothing changed, so it’s out of my hands. I’m just losing all faith, caring and motivation. It’s just too much easier to fantasize about the impossible, so I’ll fantasize about sex with a gorgeous woman and I’ll imagine what it would’ve been like to have a kid. So, you could say that fantasy’s in, he’s out.

There’s still been no sign of Fuzzy, so I wonder if he managed to get out of the house.

I remembered to show my parents that new dress and my ear, but I forgot to show them the hole that Bunny dug up out back.

Later...

Mom and Dad called a while ago. They just got in tonight after gambling in Mississippi. Ma said they went back to Red Lobster for the pictures, but the lady had shot a blank roll and showed it to them, too.

I love this Frizz Ease stuff Ma gave me, as well as the dusty rose lipstick. It smells so good and it really does take out a lot of the frizz. I just wish my hair wasn’t so uneven. I have a 6-inch difference in some areas. The sides are up to my waist and the back is just a wee bit past the crack of my ass.

Musiclessly, a car pulled up next door and I heard 3 car doors shut. Then I peeked out a few minutes later and saw a grayish Oldsmobile. Then another few minutes later, I heard a car door, then it left. I guess that’s easily explained. Her dad, friend, or whoever the hell it was, pulled in, and the driver and she got out, she got her kid out, then the driver left.

I still wonder what’s gonna go on this Memorial Day weekend and it’s only a matter of time before the net’s workable again. I wonder if she’ll suspect or even ask me if it was me who tried locking it, but if she does, fine.

Mike hasn’t been around since last Sunday, but as I said, we’ll see what this weekend brings.

Once again, I’m surprised to not find things I’d think I would’ve definitely written about. I searched the Oswego St. journals and couldn’t find that incident where Mattie called the cops on me for chasing her into her apt. and pounding on her door after she yelled at me and accused me of fucking around with that low-life Hank. I’m surprised I didn’t write about that. I mean, I must have.

I attempted to make kneidlach soup (a Jewish soup), but I had way more Matzo meal for the broth, so I’ve got a different idea in mind that I’ll try out the next time around.

I’ve decided to get into that Time-Life record club legitimately. The one that has the Sounds of the '70s & '80s and that I used to steal a few CDs from here and there. Well, if they send that one I just ordered, I’ll pay for it. Then, when they send a CD each month like they say they will, I’ll record onto tape only the songs I like, then send it back. They say you have 10 days to audition each CD, but Tom had a point when he said they’ll probably stop sending CDs if I don’t buy any.

I got a few new neat games from AOL yesterday. A maze game, a number game, and several jigsaw puzzles that you can customize to however many pieces you want. You can have the puzzle be 4 - 4000 pieces, but then the pieces are microscopic when you have too many, so I usually go with around 100 pieces.

Today, Tom’s dad would’ve been 85 if he were still alive. So, I guess it’ll be a bad day for him and Mom and for others who knew him. We all have our bad dates and our good ones. I hate April 12th, have mixed emotions about May 24th, but love June 9th and June 15th.

Anyway, I mostly got my way. I mean, we did end up screwing and he abruptly quit at one point. You could tell he didn’t want to cum. At first, I felt a twinge of disappointment, but he did the right thing. It would’ve been worse if he had cum and it was thoughtful of him to not cum and to remember what I said about his cumming at this time of the month. And he probably could’ve cum, too. I know why he stopped, but he said anyway, “That was a good startup.” 

Yeah, we’re always starting up, aren’t we? Anyway, there’ll definitely be no sex tomorrow and probably not the next day, either, so the next time he cums will probably be after a few days and that’ll be fine, cuz then I’ll be out of that time zone. It’s just best if I take my periods and accept them as meant to be, rather than get all worked up over missing it by not much and not being able to carry it to full-term, anyway. And I certainly would be afraid to hit it too, since I’d just lose it. Well, I know what my fate is as far as a kid goes, and it’s obvious God doesn’t want to put me through a miscarriage (at least he spared me that much!). And I know I don’t have to help him make sure I don’t conceive, but it really takes a lot of stress off me if I just avoid mid-cycle altogether. It’s the only way I’m gonna feel better and move on.

Later...

Anyone who just saw what Bunny and I did would agree that it was so cute. Well, he’s been picking up grass for his home and as he gathers up grass, he either leaves it by the door if no one’s home or I help him. He gets a mouthful of grass, then I open the door to let him in, pick him up with it still in his mouth as he puts it in his cage. Then I wait for him to arrange it to his taste within his cage, then he stands up to be picked up and to be put outside for another mouthful of grass. We shot a few pictures of him with it in his mouth and I’ll have to send a copy to my folks, as well as the pictures we took of them here. I agree with Tom, though, we should’ve taken more pictures.

Tom said to wake him up at 9:30 so we can have extra time together. Well, that’s only an hour earlier, so I don’t have to worry about us screwing and please God, if we’re gonna screw, please let him hit it right if he cums, or have him just not cum at all. And please, don’t take it away, should anything be planted in me. Yeah, I know. I’m being ridiculous. I have nothing to worry about as far as anything being planted in there goes. So, I certainly don’t have to worry about losing something that won’t be allowed in there in the first place. Still, I’d rather him not cum or cum at the wrong times, unless he decided to cum more often. I know from 2½ years of experience that his not cumming wouldn’t bother him or make him feel deprived, or else I wouldn’t suggest that.

On the other hand, something does want us to miss it, so I guess that no matter when he cums, I need not worry about a miscarriage. This thing up in the sky is obviously protecting me from miscarriage and seeing that I don’t have one, cuz it too, obviously knows I couldn’t handle that.

I took down the chicken wire and the flowers that were in the archway. I put the flowers that were there in that tall wicker basket that Jeff gave me at the Vista, then put those flower vines up from Mom and Dad. It looks great. Much better than what was there before.

I also got this hairspray called Frizz Ease from them and it smells so good.

What is it about my parents and constipation? It seems that when I’m around them, I can’t shit. I couldn’t shit the two times I was in Florida to see them and I couldn’t while they were here. It’s scary to think of them coming here or me going there for a whole month. Then what would happen?

We never did get to show them PV. I forgot and I guess they did, too. Same goes for miniature golfing at Castles & Coasters, but that’s fine. It’s too hot for that now, anyway.