Oh, my fucking God! Caddy kid just went blasting by like you wouldn’t believe. He did this yesterday at this time, too, but not as loud. So what are we in for here? We back to the blasting by several times a day? I think one of these mornings Caddy kid may find me waiting for him in the street. It obviously isn’t a kid in school since school’s out, so I guess it’s going to a job in the mornings.

It’s pretty ironic that Caddy Kid starts up again right when El Cocko leaves. As if something wants to compensate me for the lack of door slams and for just knowing that that fuck’s not there as much.

At 7:15, we went through the same weird ritual next door. The Caddy pulled up just to the opening of the carport, then we went through 10-15 minutes of door slamming, then El Cocko pulled up at the curb in front of the house. I came to peek out just as I saw him walking from the back of his car, then he got in and drove off. I don’t think it was in its trunk, so maybe, the Caddy comes to get the bitch and he comes to get the kid.

In my email to my folks, I mentioned how cutting out real sugar has helped a bit, and in her reply, she said I could do anything I set my mind to do. Oh yeah? Well, that’s weird coming from her. Weird, but nice. She’d never have said that to me in the past, but it’s nice to have her vote of confidence.

For the third day in a row, I was 120 pounds even at the end of my day. Even after not eating for 12 hours, though, I stayed at 120 for a couple of reasons. Well, first off, my metabolism’s still slow and secondly, getting down into the one-teens is gonna be very very hard cuz it’s now completely foreign to my body to do that. It’d take it time to “learn” how to get down there. Just like it took time for my body to get the hang of being at 100 pounds and staying there for quite a while. I still don’t think this 120 will keep on holding, let alone drop into the one-teens. I still think I’ll return to 124 and stay there indefinitely.

We did go to Melanie’s yesterday after all. Tom still has to have work done on the car and is gonna be taking it to a dealer since the place he brought the car to yesterday didn’t touch it after promising to have it done by noon.

Melanie looked hot, but I like her with bangs better than with her hair swept back off her forehead. Either way, she has nice hair. I just hope she doesn’t ever hack it off short while I’m seeing her.

She asked me more about the mice and if Tom likes animals too. I asked her when I was gonna get to see her with her hair straightened and she said she didn’t know, but she straightens it a couple of times a week. If she were attracted to me too, and cared about my opinion, and wanted me to see her in different ways for variety, she’d have it straightened next time I go to her, but I know better. She’s not the least bit attracted to me and could care less about showing me her hair straightened. As you know, I like straight hair better than curls, but it’s hard to picture her hair straight. Maybe because she’s so exceptionally good-looking, she looks better with it curled and to me, it does take a great-looking woman to look good in curly hair.

For a moment, as she was in front of me getting tools as I was lying back, she turned, and her eyes swept me from head to toe for a second. Oh, how I wish she was checking me out with lust in her eyes, but nope. It was just a casual glance, I’m sure.

I try hard not to stare too long into those gorgeous, dark brown eyes cuz I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Melanie will never know of my crush on her, but I wonder how she’d react to being told of my attraction for her. Would she be OK with it? Even flattered? Or would she freak? Part of me thinks she’d be OK with it, but the other part’s not sure cuz I see a hint of Rosemarie in her. She’s friendly and is more talkative, but she’s more serious and I can see traces of that snobbish, judgmental Rosemarie in her. Given those touches of Rosemarie in her, if they really are there, she may refer someone like me to someone else if she knew.

I still wish she were my neighbor, rather than my ortho. It’d be worth her two dogs that’d be outside barking just a few feet away 24/7. I’m sure her dogs, like all dogs out here, are outside all the time. It’s a bummer that we’ll never be friends. Even just friends, which would be enough for me, but that’s life.

Anyway, getting the bracket on was no easy task for her. She didn’t have enough hands and even had me help by holding a tool in place while she went to get a couple of others to help hold wires. I almost got poked in the eye by one of the wires. I was pretty sore, as she said I’d be, for a few hours last night and today. I took some Ibuprofen. I’m OK as long as I don’t bite into any hard foods. Besides, I’m not eating much, and I don’t want to risk knocking off this bracket.

I have to see her now every two weeks till that tooth comes into place. What a bitch and what a bitch on my scheduling. Tom says it’ll be easier than I think. I hope so and thank God, she’s so gorgeous! It helps.

Later…

I knew I’d gain weight again. I’m up to 122 pounds and climbing. My body’s really comfortable in this day and age at 124 pounds. It’ll get back there by the end of today or tomorrow.

Lisa called and she’s fed up. She says she knows she deserves punishment for getting suspended, doesn’t mind helping out, loves her mother, but has had enough of the never-ending grueling chores and is sick of having no life. She also says she’s to be leaving with Bill in a couple of days to go to Florida. Tammy’s gonna let her be alone with a guy who beats her and who just came close to hitting her again? Real smart, Tammy!

God, when are you gonna kill this guy? What? Do you love him that much? Is he just too great of a guy for hitting Lisa that you just can’t kill him? How can you let such sick, unfair shit go on in this world, you fucking bastard?!

Anyway, Lisa’s afraid that doing what she’s got to do would interfere with her seeing my folks. Also, Tammy said she’d never talk to her again if she went to live with Larry. What kind of a mother would say that to their own kid? She’s really a hell of a mother for not accepting what her kid wants and for being so selfish.

I told Lisa that she’s got to worry about herself and her own needs. Not what Tammy would do or think and not about visiting people. I told her that she could either stay where she is, go to Larry’s, or talk to her therapist about taking legal action through the courts to get her out of that house and into God knows where. Kids have a ton of rights nowadays where they used to have none. There should be some legal action she can take to get her out of that house. Something they didn’t have when I was her age. She can petition the courts to live with Larry or at least somewhere that’s not a funny farm that’ll just dope her up.

Later…

I spoke with Larry a little while ago. I began to tell him of my earlier talk with Lisa and he stopped me and said that before I went any further, he didn’t want to get into that he said she said ordeal, and said he’s working on it, just listen to Lisa, and that’s it. So after I reminded him that I was on his side and would never repeat any of our discussions with the wrong person, he let me know that he’s still on top of it and hasn’t given up. Thank God! He also said he’s talked to Mom. I’m sure that since Mom’s mad at Tammy, she’s encouraging him to do what he’s gotta do. If she weren’t mad at Tammy, she’d probably tell him not to get involved.

I’m hoping that he and Lisa can petition the courts to allow Lisa to live with Larry. I would think that any normal, rational court would take Lisa’s feelings into consideration and listen to her when she talks of her emotional state at that house.

Later…

Here’s that blue pickup that does the freeloader’s yard. Guess they’re gonna be coming every Tuesday, huh?

Got that Olivia Newton-John CD after all. I didn’t think I’d get it.

Later…

Yup, we’re back to the 3 times a day routine from Caddy Kid. Well, tomorrow I’ll be waiting for him.

Got the bedding my parents sent. It’s bright, but sort of boring. The sheets are plain yellow and the comforter has a yellow floral design. It beats that blue-striped one they sent, though, and is always nice to have.

Yesterday, Tom relaxed and did his two favorite things - TV and computer.

We screwed too, and this time, he stayed in there for a while. Neither of us came, but as always these days, I’m glad to see him not cum. I don’t like the mess it makes, and he’s just as happy not cumming, so it works out well. Nowadays, I consider us to finally have the ideal sex life but back when I was horny all the time and wanted him to cum, it was a humiliating, frustrating ordeal!

Today I see Melanie. Can’t wait! I’m gonna be kind of tired when I see her, but at least I don’t have to worry about having to take Benadryl and get back to sleep if I wake up after just 4 hours after today.

In two weeks I see that Dr. Linda Brown. I hope I have the strength to do right by God and do the proper thing period, by not mentioning my infertility. It’s not a health hazard, therefore, I should be left as God created me and allowed me to be. It’s for a reason and a good one, too. I shouldn’t be mentioning my weight either, as God’s gonna get me for the few pounds I’ve lost as it is. At least I believe he will. Maybe not, though. Maybe it’d take me losing 10-15 pounds before compensation made its way to me.

I wonder if Melanie will notice the difference in me. It’d be nice if she were just as attracted to me as I am to her, but I know better. Still, the fantasy is nice. Most people, gay or straight, aren’t attracted to overweight people, though. Yes, I’m definitely smaller, and for the 3rd day in a row I woke up at 120 pounds, but I’m still a chunky one. I still say my appetite will return and I’ll go back to that infamous 124 pounds, as I always end up doing.

I knew it. Andy didn’t call during the weekend cuz I told him it’d be OK to. If I had asked him yet again not to, he’d have called for sure.

Marla’s gone back east for 3 weeks to stay at the beach. Charlotte and Jim are there now. They still come to New England for the summers. Boo and Max are gonna be selling their house in Longmeadow.

Anyway, Marla says that once she gets back home, she’ll discuss jury duty with me. All she said so far was that a guy was found guilty of murder, sane at the time of the shooting, and got sentenced to death. But he won’t die if you ask me. Unfortunately, criminals get much less than they’re sentenced to. If you get death, you really get life in prison 99% of the time. If you get 20 years, you serve 5-10. It’s really asinine.

For fun and for stuff like email, I’m gonna try out this new talker that Tom’s got once he makes my computer even faster. With this one, you don’t have to talk so slowly. It can keep up with you talking at normal speed, but it still won’t be as fast and as accurate as my typing.

Also, Tom’s gonna see about Mary sending me a copy of a really high-tech, sophisticated word processor, now that she’s got a modem (which she miraculously installed herself!) and can send it by phone. This one’s supposed to let me have more color choices.

On Saturday, we went to a used bookstore which is great. It groups books more organized compared to the library. There was a section with hundreds of books that I like that is like searching for a needle in a haystack at the library. It only costs $16 for 8 books and I can take these books back when I’m done with them for credit and get 8 more for just $8. Usually, though, they charge half of the cover price.

It appears Tom was right - the red car that’s been next door is a rental. A couple, I guess, flew in from God knows where to visit the bitch. They may be gone now, though, cuz unless the car’s pulled up in the carport, it’s not there. I can’t believe how quiet they were, but again, I really believe that’s cuz the cock’s been out of the picture. If it were around, they’d be barbecuing and having loud parties for hours, not to mention blasting music. Speaking of music, that’s why I think Tom’s right about the rental car. Those don’t come with those killer stereos, so that explains why there was no music, cuz I’m sure that they’d be happy to bang in and out if it did have a stereo like that, with or without the cock around.

The Caddy just pulled in. I can’t see the driver, though, and who knows if it’s to pick up the kid, her, or both? Speaking of Caddies, Caddy Kid’s been by only once that I know of since Tom said he heard him bang by a few days ago. Thank God it’s not cruising by 3 times a day every day, though!

Those wireless headphones Tom got are great. You can go all around the house and into the backyard with them. They’ll be great for housework and for doing anything out back during the winter when the guard dogs are at it non-stop.

OK bitch, that’s the eighth door slam. Why don’t you get in or out and have Caddy get the fuck out now? What? Is this bitch packing little by little cuz she couldn’t make her late rent payment?

What the fuck’s going on now? I just up and checked and the Caddy’s finally fucked off now, but guess who was parked on the street? Mr. Baldy himself. Yeah, I saw him get into his car and leave. Again, no music, fortunately for them, but why would he pop in so early in the morning? I doubt he’s moved back in yet, cuz if he spent the night, he wouldn’t have parked in the carport, then moved it to the street. And I know it wasn’t on the street all night cuz I’d have seen it. I’m hoping that he used the U-Haul to move his shit out for at least a few months. Cuz if he were only taking off for a week or two, why would you need enough stuff to pack in a U-Haul for just a couple of weeks?

Later…

Well, we’re not going to see Melanie today. I worked really hard at getting on schedule all for nothing. Out of our two shitty cars, one won’t start, and one’s in the shop. Tom said they said the car would be ready at noon. Bullshit! I know how people overestimate time. I’ll be seeing Melanie some other day.

It's gonna be a really close call getting to Melanie's tomorrow. I didn't sleep as late as I'd have liked to. I want to stay up at least until 8 PM, but already I am so tired!

Today Tom's 41. He's still asleep. He picked out a birthday cake, got wireless headphones, and he even picked me up a really nice Arizona puzzle with cactuses and palm trees.

He also got food for the critters and a bottle for Bunny. I have it hooked to a piece of chicken wire that's surrounding one of the cactuses out there. This'll be better than a water dish so that bugs, dirt, and leaves won't get in it.

God, the Humane Society really is full of its share of desperate, begging, bribing people who just don’t give up! They sent me more animal labels in the hopes of getting some money from me. Well, I can use these, thanks to them, till we move.

The red car was still parked here when I crashed at 11:00 this morning. And thanks to the Benadryl, which I don’t know what I’d do without, I slept well and long. I slept on and off for 12 hours so seeing Melanie should be no prob!

Before Tom went to bed at 10:00 he left me a message saying that that car had been in and out, but he couldn’t always hear when they’d come or go. By that, he means car doors, or else he’d have told me there was music or something else if he’d heard it. He said he got a quick glimpse of that guy and said he didn’t think it was the same guy. He said this guy appeared older and had some hair. Well, I don’t know about that, but I got to thinking about it afterward and perhaps this guy isn’t black enough. Wasn’t Mike darker than this guy?

I looked out and didn’t see the car, so unless it’s in the carport, I don’t know what the story is with this car or who these people are. Maybe it’s the kid and a girlfriend, who knows? I just hope there won’t be no shit this weekend. Things have been great and I want to keep it that way as long as I can, preferably till we move, if God will allow it. What? Is this car gonna come and go and slam me 20 times a day this weekend? That’d be better than music, but I’d still rather not have to deal with that.

I awoke at 120 pounds. I could eat my way back up to 124 by the end of my day if I ate normally, but I’m still not hungry enough to do so and don’t want to risk getting sick again. I’ll be back to 124. I always am sooner or later. This is the third or fourth time I’ve hit down at 120. It never lasts long and again, I better hope, in a way, that I don’t get thin again cuz the compensation and price to pay for it may be worse than being fat itself.

Tom was telling me that for now, since people’s needs constantly change, he’s sacrificing his dream of having a home business for me. He says he doesn’t know what he’ll do in the future, but says that right now, it’d be a bad thing to do cuz it’d take our time away from each other. Then why would he ever think he wanted a kid? I think I know what he’s driving at by saying this to me. There may be a very serious grain of truth to what he’s saying. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a point, but could he be hoping that he could use that to get me to put off being tested? He said that he notices that if he encourages me daily to do something that’s not easy for me to do, it pressures me. Well, he can rest assured cuz even if I did want a kid still, I wouldn’t do anything to steal our time away from each other. I would say no to a kid no matter what, but I don’t want that anymore, and I’m not so sure I’m that curious anymore to go through the hassles of testing and all that. I’ve had enough tests and medical procedures to last me 20 lifetimes. And I’m still one gutless puppy. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to talk about it to a doctor or afraid of the testing itself. I’m afraid of God. If I go against him, he wouldn’t hesitate to lash out at me. Also, no doctor could help us without us dealing with Tom’s infrequent cumming and I still don’t see how he’d let himself be helped with that. I’m still certain that he’d have conned and manipulated his way out of being helped, which, therefore, would’ve meant we could not be helped. Even if they fixed me, it would do us no good with our strange and part-time sex. So I’ll be OK with wondering all my life exactly what makes me sterile and I’ll most certainly be OK without a kid. I love life and my husband too much for that even if I am an abnormal, fat, unique, freaky thing with her share of trouble and a few bad days here and there.

Later…

What the fuck? How fucking weird! That car just came in. There were two not-too-loud door-slams and this is just sooooo baffling. I have no clue as to what the hell’s going on anymore. Are these people moving her little by little? Would that explain all the trips in and out? But at this hour? Sounds like drug runs to me, cuz wouldn’t I sense it for sure if the bitch was moving? I know I didn’t sense that bald fuck splitting, but wouldn’t I sense it if she were splitting? And wouldn’t there be some kind of sale or rent sign up? Maybe not, cuz I’d guess the city would want to come in and fix the place up before putting up any signs to sell it if they sold it and didn’t rent it to another pack of poor blacks or Hispanics.

Later…

I got Weight Watchers magazine in the mail today. It was boring and I pretty much just skimmed through it. It was one of the 3 magazines I ordered on account of Becky’s being a brownie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if that red car didn’t move till the early afternoon. All these freeloaders have always seemed to be night people for the most part, and I’m sure that after coming in at 4:00 in the morning, they’re gonna want to sleep in. These could be friends of the bitch’s. Maybe she decided that without Baldy in the picture, she didn’t feel comfortable being here alone cuz of me, so she asked her friends to move in. I don’t know where the hell they’d sleep, though, if she’s in one room, the freeloader’s in another, and teeny bop’s in the other. Perhaps the living room?

Our little freeloader just slammed in. I heard two car doors really loud like it wanted to get someone’s attention. Someone meaning me, of course. Some people just don’t give up! It’s parked up front, so hopefully that means it’ll leave. I couldn’t see for sure if it was his car, but who else would it be at this hour? I just hope it doesn’t plan on staying the weekend, but we’ll see. 

Later…

Fuck! The freeloader’s still here. I know what this means, too. It means it’s negotiating with her about coming back. This is a definite sign saying it’s on its way back. As it got closer to moving back in last year, its visits got more frequent and its overnight stays increased, too, then it was back to stay.

Later…

In just a couple of hours, daylight will be here and I’ll be able to see this vehicle more clearly that’s parked out front. It looks a little tall to be the freeloader’s gray car and the shape seems a bit off. You never know what a car dealer’s gonna be driving, though. Or car thief. Whichever it truly is. I just hope it’s not back in a Jeep again. something about jeeps makes him tend to blare the music more, but let him. Cuz if he does, he’s out of here and so is the bitch. So far, though, there’s been no music and it’s great not hearing a million door slams a day. For now, anyway.

I’ll also call Lisa to see what’s going on. I’ll call her at 6 AM our time which will be 9 AM her time and when Tammy will be gone to work.

Later…

How the fuck can that cat still be alive?! White Paws came in to eat, then I decided to torment the little bitch with a broom handle since I still don’t like this cat like I like Blackie. White Paws sort of takes after her bitch of a mother. After a few minutes of jamming the broom tip into her head with all my strength, she bolted for the door. I caught her in the door by her neck and pressed with all my strength. She wailed, but since I didn’t feel like pressing this door into her forever, I let her go and she ran to the side of the house where the cinder blocks are where she was born. Blackie followed her.

Blackie just came back in to eat some more, but White Paws won’t. She’ll be stupid enough to come back tomorrow, though. If she doesn’t die today, then yes, God really wants me dealing with this cat while we’re still here. In fact, she’s already getting braver. She’s now out back, rather than at the side of the house (I just went out to give Measles mice food since it has the same seeds/grains birds eat). What is it with cats and abuse? Do they like it? Or are they just too stupid to remember it and avoid it from happening again?

Later…

Boy, are we getting weirder by the minute! I just can’t keep up with all these cars and people at the freeloaders. That car was not the gray car. It was a red car. Again, it was fairly new and fairly nice.

At 7:45 I saw the bitch walking up her driveway. Maybe she went out to pick up newspapers. A few minutes later that silver Caddy pulled up and it waited 15 minutes for the bitch. I think it was that same car, but this time, the driver was female. If I heard right, the bitch put the kid in this car, but she didn’t leave in it. She and the driver were talking as loud as can be, as rude as can be, as if they were the only ones on the street and as if everyone is on their schedule and gets up when they do. I could only make out a few scattered words. None of which I can remember.

Then a female I may or may not have seen before (black, tall, fat) came and got in the passenger side of the red car. Same thing - talking deliberately loud and making sure to really slam doors hard. A male got into the driver’s side, which would explain why I heard two door slams at just after midnight last night. One for her, one for him, but I couldn’t tell who “him” is. It could be Mike, it could be the kid. The kid’s about the same height and old enough to drive, I think.

So, at just after 7:00 they left and 45 minutes later they returned. How fucking weird! Who the fuck would leave early on a weekday morning for just 45 minutes? I wonder when they’ll leave again and if I’ll hear music. Guess it’ll all depend on just how much they want to stay here. What? Are there 4 people living there now, or what? Is this car gonna be slamming in and out daily now?

Well, I’m gonna go read and try to stay awake as long as I can to get to see Melanie on Monday. She’ll be calling in about an hour!

Later…

I forgot to say that Tom’s mom got hearing aids and they make quite a difference, so that’s good.

Also, I called and spoke to Lisa. Tammy leaves at 6:30 in the morning and doesn’t return till 4:00. I guess the sick fuck (Bill) stops by daily.

Die, you bastard, die!

If he did die, though, then that’d scrap the child support payments. Fortunately, Lisa didn’t cut herself and I told her how relieved I was to hear that and that I was very proud of her, too. She said she was just pissed cuz Tammy came in after she had cleaned all day and yelled, “What have you been doing all day?” Guess Becky and Sarah made messes that made it look like Lisa hadn’t done anything, I don’t know.

Lisa, Becky and Sarah are home alone all day. I asked Lisa (after speaking to Sarah and Becky. Becky says she’s gonna send me a letter) what Becky and Sarah do all day. She says they watch TV and eat all day. She says Becky’s a bit heavy. I knew it. I could tell from the pictures I’ve seen of her over the last 5 years or so, so I knew she’d be heavy sooner or later. Out of the three of them, I think she’ll be the one to look a lot like Tammy. In her latest picture, I saw Tammy in her unlike I’d ever seen in any of Sarah’s or Lisa’s pictures. She is quite homely. Sarah’s cute, but too young to really tell how she’ll look when she gets older. Lisa’s looking good, but it’s so hard to really see them from just pictures and videos.

Three little girls all alone in the woods like that is a bit scary. What if a crazed gunman decided to break into that secluded little house thinking it was empty? What if when he saw three girls in there (although Lisa and Becky aren’t so little) he decided to rape, sodomize, beat, and even kill them? Well, hopefully God will protect them from any such tragedy and nightmare.

The only fear I have about moving is break-ins. It’s so secluded where we’re going. There’d be no witnesses. I can’t believe that in the 12 years Tammy’s lived in that house, and in the 8 years the fuck lived in there alone prior to meeting Tammy, there’s never been a break-in. The only problem they’ve had is kids breaking into their car once.

Later…

Just had a wonderful little chat with Melanie. I said, “Hi Melanie” when I picked up the phone and she asked how I knew it was her. I told her we had caller ID and that not many other people would be calling at this time.

I told her the tooth has come down some more and she said that this time she’s gonna see if she can get a bracket on it. I hope so and that it stays.

Then I said I thought one of my mice got loose, to start some small talk. She said, “Oh, you got mice?” I said yes, and told her about all the animals here. She said she thought she was bad and told me she’s got two dogs, two cats, a bird and a hamster. Then she told me to have a good weekend and that was pretty much it. Can’t wait to see her!

The red car’s still here.

Again, how do I get used to cigarettes again and how did I get used to them in the first place? Yeah, I had Tom get me cigarettes again. He got them nearly an hour after I asked him to, though. I know he wanted to eat and wake up, but I think he was stalling with the hopes that I’d change my mind. 

Accepting the new fat me just isn’t as easy as I hoped it’d be. What if it takes me as many years to accept it as it took me to accept never having a kid, among other things?

If I can rehook myself to cigarettes, I’m gonna quit again either way. I’ll either lose weight and will stop eating when I stop smoking again. Or I won’t lose weight but will quit again and go to a doctor to find out why I can’t lose weight. If the doctor tells me there’s really nothing I can do about it, and that that’s just the way some people are, especially older non-smokers whose heart rates and metabolisms differ from those who are younger or who smoke, only then can I accept my fate as a fat person. Like I said, I know I’ll be fat either for a long time or for the rest of my life, but I just can’t seem to accept it. Here’s a scary thought, though. What if I can’t quit the second time around? I thought that because I lost a lot of weight once, I could do it again. Obviously, I was wrong, so what if I can’t quit smoking again if I return to it? I never thought I’d have such mixed emotions as far as my finally being able to get off the cigarettes and my no longer wanting a child goes. I’m happy I quit smoking and improved my lungs (some of the time), but that only made me fat. I’m glad I finally stopped wanting the child I could never deal with or have, but still, I feel like I’ve swapped one problem for another. I feel controlled and as if all rights to choose have been stripped from me. If I miraculously could be thin again with or without cigarettes, I’d have some new problem thrown at me. If I decided I wanted a kid again, could magically fight God and Tom to get that kid, my new problems would be the fact that I could not handle a kid cuz of my schedule and cuz of the way I am. I know I’d only be another Dureen and Tammy and that I’d abuse it. I can see now just how easy it’d be to succumb to beating it and throwing it away to foster homes or funny farms. Tom says that’s the first step to doing something about it, but it’s not that easy. Just cuz you know you shouldn’t do something, doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to do what’s right.

Or am I just telling myself this shit to make it easier to deal with what I’ll never have???

So, the point is, I feel trapped and hopeless either way. Most of my problems, like my schedule, inability to sleep with my own husband, and infertility, aren’t your common everyday problems that can be fixed, they’re rare, unique, freakish problems that I could never fix. I feel like I’ll be trapped, overwhelmed and miserable no matter what. I either smoke and make my lungs worse, I either don’t smoke and be fat, I either don’t have a kid and wonder from time to time just what I could be missing or if I was right about how I feel it would have been like, or I have a kid and suffer the consequences of that. Meaning, the giving up of my life and the not being able to handle it. The bottom line is that there is nothing I can do about these things. It’s out of my hands. I have no say in these matters whether I tried to have some say in it or not. I can’t fight God and I can’t fight my husband. So, all I can do is try to remember that God made me and my life as it is for a reason and that if I didn’t have the problems I do, there’d only be other problems that I’d have. Also, I believe that if Tom really wanted a kid as bad as he says he does, he’d push me a little harder to see what could be done about that.

Maybe I could do something about my fat and my inability to reach out for help in fixing my female parts due to my fears about being a parent if Tom suggested every day that I should do whatever I could do to fix these problems and go to a doctor, but I can’t make Tom suggest things he doesn’t want to suggest. And a repetitious daily suggestion is what it’d take too. I’m that scared and weak. I wish I could conquer my fears, but I can’t, and I can’t make my husband say something that isn’t in his heart or that isn’t important to him. My husband will still be fine and will still love me if I stay fat and he’ll be OK and still love me if I can’t get up the nerve to speak out about my sterility to a doctor and try to fix it, then try to handle motherhood if they could make that happen. Even if a doctor could make my parts work OK at the snap of their fingers, we don’t have the proper sex for making babies. We couldn’t get me pregnant cuz my screwy schedule and his busyness prevent us from having sex more than once a week and that, combined with his age, pains, tiredness, and him being just the way he is, prevents us from cumming regularly. The way to impregnate a woman is to cum at least 5 days in a row, but that is not Tom S any more than it’s Tom S to sit and make prank phone calls. He is how he is, and I am how I am (not always so great in bed) and no doctor can fix/help us. So even if a million people cheered me on about these issues every day, what good would it do? I’m beyond help. My fate’s been sealed a long time ago as far as these issues go. I said that years ago and I’m still right about it and will always be. Nothing will change about that, but I still have such a hard time accepting my fatness. I know I will someday, and I know that when I do finally accept it, I’ll have a new problem that’s hopeless and that I cannot fix and that I’ll have to accept.

Later…

I have a lot to fill you in on now that my moods have stabilized back out to what they usually are, thank God.

First of all, Lisa tried calling again today. In the morning I’ll see if I can see what’s up. I hope to hell she didn’t cut herself again. I told Tom I didn’t feel I was competent enough to help her and he said I was doing all I could do and was doing an excellent job. Then why is she still cutting herself? God kept kids away from me for a reason and that’s cuz he knows I couldn’t deal with them. Thank God, though, and why oh why I ever thought I’d not only want to throw my life away on a kid, but have a Lisa living under our roof, beats the shit out of me. Tom says that in time, my words will sink into Lisa and that she’ll get better. I hope so!

Anyway, it’s one thing to know that something wanted me to quit smoking and that something does not want me to return to cigarettes, but then there’s really knowing! Yes, it was really drilled into this thick skull of mine the hard way. The other few times I tried smoking again, I just got a slight headache and a bit of nausea. Not this time! This time I got the headache and nausea, but I was also very dizzy too. So I ran into the bedroom and turned on the fan and blew it on myself to help clear my head. Then I went back out and smoked again, suddenly more determined to rebel against God and do all the things he’s forbidden me to do. What quickly changed my mind, though, was that the next time I had decided I could use some wind, he had broken my fan. Yup, the only loud fan we’ve got. He couldn’t just wait one more lousy year! Like what happened next wasn’t enough of a punishment and enough to drill it into my head that I must not smoke for reasons I don’t know if I’ll ever know?!

Anyway, I woke up at 120½. Not cuz this low fat/cal diet decided it’d work for once. Not cuz God decided to help me help myself lose weight. But because I ended up puking what I’d eaten early on in my day and was too queasy feeling for the rest of the day to have anything more than a few grapes, a few bites of spaghetti, and liquids. I know better, though. By the end of the day, I’ll be right back up to 124 and will stay that way for quite a while. I still have a virtually non-existent metabolism and while it’s a shame, it’s true that I either gotta get sick, or stop eating, in order to lose weight. I wish I could make myself bulimic, but I can’t. I can’t live on liquids either.

I know that something not only wants me not to smoke, but it wants me heavy, too. It’s important. It’s necessary for some reason I haven’t discovered yet, but I absolutely must never smoke again or lose weight, according to something up there. There is a reason why I was destined to quit smoking when I did, then get fat. I just hope this extra fat and nutrition it brings isn’t to help me survive a bad accident or illness, but there is a reason for it. I wish I knew what that reason was, though, and I guess I’ll be finding out one of these days.

To make matters worse, I had puked in the sink, figuring I could wash down the puke as it came out of my mouth so I wouldn’t have to see it and prolong my puking any more than necessary, but this asshole just clogged up the drain.

Tom came home for a while and later, he fixed the sink and bought a new fan. Unfortunately, they don’t make fans as loud as the older ones. I have two fairly quiet fans in the bedroom now and I’ll be sleeping with the music on in the daytime. I had stopped the music cuz Caddy kid thankfully dropped out of the picture, but according to Tom, he’s back and I didn’t hear him. He says he went by and went to check and saw it was him. Well, he must’ve just begun his cruising by 3 times a day again or wasn’t playing his music as loud as he usually does, cuz I don’t see how I could’ve not heard it over those two quiet fans and with the music, which I don’t play that loud. Only loud enough to hear its beat, but I guess it does do a good enough job of blending in with the beat of our city animal’s stereos. That was the idea after all.

Tom says that due to the fact that cigarettes are poison, it does make people puke, and that fan was very old. I’ve never heard of anyone puking from cigarettes. Why didn’t I puke when I first started smoking? And yes, that was an old fan, but it’s quite ironic that it breaks down when I do something that’s a no-no in God’s eyes. Cigarettes don’t make fans break or make people puke, something that doesn’t want a person smoking makes that fan break (something it knows is important to me) and makes that person puke. I never would’ve believed it and I’ll bet most others wouldn’t, too, if they heard that someone that quit smoking, can’t return to it no matter how hard they try. That’s not the way it works. Almost all smokers who quit for at least 2-4 weeks end up going back to smoking and they don’t puke. It’s me. It’s me again. Something doesn’t want me smoking and to top it off, it wants me fat, too, but why??? At first I thought about God doing this to me cuz he wants me to go to a doctor, and that I am fixable, and that he wants me fixed, and he wants me to have a kid now. (being a non-smoker would help ensure a healthier baby) And the reason why he wants me to go to a doctor and couldn’t have had one on my own all along is simply cuz he knew I was gonna be too stupid to do the right thing and prevent myself from conceiving back when I was a young, dumb, naïve 21-year-old. But he’d be forgetting something if this were the case. What about my inability to keep a schedule? What about the fact that I couldn’t handle a kid? Besides, that’s not what I want anymore. My idea of a good time is being with my husband, taking care of the animals, doing my hobbies, etc. Not playing Barbies with some smelly little kid or having a Lisa under our roof cutting herself.

Well, I know that his reasons have nothing to do with a kid, but what do they really have to do with? Why must I not smoke and stay fat? His decision to have me remain smoke-free isn’t the problem, it’s the fat that’s the problem. It’s got to be for more reasons than just mere compensation that’s got me so fat. Well, all I can do is just hope that his reasons are for the better and that it’s not cuz of something bad to come.

I typed a letter to Larry and told him to tell Sandy that if some rude pervert asks to get in her pants, to tell him, “No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.” This is based on one of the jokes I received from Kim.

Tom did email my folks and that was nice of him. My mom has this thing about signing off her messages as “the mother.” So Tom signed his name, then typed, “Or am I supposed to sign off as ‘the son-in-law’?” I got a kick out of that and I’m sure my folks did, too.

I got to thinking and wondering about something. No God, I’m not gonna go against you and ask for more trouble, but could this weight be lost in notches? By the way, first of all, my water has filled right back out on me like I knew it would and I’m sure I’m closer to 124 pounds now. Anyway, as I was saying, when I starved all those years ago for about 3 days, I began losing weight, then I kept on losing it, even though I had returned to eating whatever I wanted to whenever I wanted to. After going about 4 days on just a few bites a day a little while back, I went from constantly weighing 124-126 to constantly weighing 122-124. What if I did this again for 4 days? Would it put me to 120-122? Could I do this in stages? I’m sure I couldn’t, but it’s an interesting thought. Meanwhile, I’m fat to stay and I know it.

My dear best friend really is losing it. He’s jobless, he ain’t got Quinn’s dick to turn to, so he is really, really losing it. TV, music, phones and pot. That’s all he knows. Get this - he calls me up saying that on a one-hour show about violence against gays, I had a part in the show. He says one of my tapes was played. An old tape of us making prank calls and our edits from back in Springfield in 1989. I don’t think so! What? Did the pigs seize my tapes, send them to Hollywood and tell them to help themselves? And we didn’t call and bash gays, so maybe he’s talking about how when they’d hear a gay voice (his) they’d bash gays and that’s the tapes he’s talking about. But still, there’s no way in his delusional, doped-up mind, that any tapes of us making prank calls, or the edits, were used in a movie.

Later…

Yesterday I called Lisa to find out what was up. Well, she told me alright. She told me she cut herself. All I could say about it was the usual. She said she called Larry at work and told him. She said he said the ball was in her court and she should do what she needed to do. Sounds like he’s giving up on her, but I don’t know.

Tom’s gift surprised me. I really thought my folks would send him something along the lines of clothing and flags, but instead, he got a clock radio with a weather alert system.

My folks say they wish they could hear from him more often and he says he’s gonna email them tomorrow, but I don’t know. I think that’ll be just one more thing he says he’s gonna do but doesn’t. I told him that they’d love to hear from him about once a month or so, but we’ll see. It’s up to him. 

And I’m still smaller. Amazing, huh? I haven’t broken down and weighed myself yet, though. I’m trying to stick to doing that once a week only. I’m sure I’m still between 122-124 anyway.

Sex was the usual problem it is. Once again, I got him rock hard with my hand, then when he went to go in there, he went soft. He now claims it’s due to back pain. Why doesn’t he just come out and tell me he’s not interested? Why say he wants more sex and why say he’s in the mood when he’s not?

Later…

Andy and I spoke and sure enough, he flirted it out at the job he just lost. He said all the customers, co-workers, and managers, were flirtatious too. I don’t doubt that knowing how human beings are, but once again, God is not an equal opportunity doer or sayer. Meaning that just cuz the general pop can do or say this or that doesn’t mean he can. Remember? Some of us are different. He’s got to stop doing this! When’s he gonna learn? No wonder he bitches that he can’t get ahead in life. He’s too stubborn. He’s too bent on doing the opposite of what people ask of him or of what he knows he should be doing. Maybe he likes this and maybe he wanted to get fired, I don’t know. It does no good telling Andy not to flirt at work or not to associate with druggies and losers if he can’t attract someone nice right now, and not to settle. The more you tell him this, the more he’ll go against your advice and he will flirt and he will settle on the Lauras of this world as pals and roommates and on the Quinns of this world too.

It’s sad to see him in such a rut and in the same boat all these years. Nothing’s really changed with him since I’ve known him. He is more tolerant of those needing to talk and doesn’t kick a person down further that is already down, he’s much more sensitive, but he’s still the same old as far as his life goes. I know what it’s like to be stuck in a rut, but he won’t even try to get ahead. I’m not saying that God’s not against him in some ways. Yes, I think he’s had a major play in keeping Andy held back, but Andy can change some things. Maybe he can’t get Mr. Right, but he can avoid the next Mr. Wrong (Quinn) and he can shut up at work. Let everyone else say whatever they’re gonna say, but shut up!

Andy, if you ever read these journals for some reason I can’t foresee, especially the stuff I’ve written over the last couple of years or so, you’re gonna hate me! Well, try not to. I still love you. It’s just that I’ve come to be a bit different over the years, as you yourself have said. I outgrew the phone and a lot of our old ways, although I’ll always have my crazy laugh and lots of funny memories to cherish! Leaving Nerve hanging on the line at the bitch was fun and the calls we made were fun while we made them. I don’t regret the past, buddy!

Tom picked up a new shower massager and aerator for the kitchen sink. They’re the best ones yet.

Unfortunately, I was not up when Lisa tried calling twice today. I called Tammy to ask if she called. When she said no, I said that I must’ve read the caller ID box wrong so that she wouldn’t go asking Lisa questions. I’ll try to call Lisa in the morning and hope that Tammy’s at work when I do, to see if I can find out what’s up. Tammy didn’t say anything, though.

My ma says she’s shipped some bedding out to us. I asked her why I never see her on my buddy list on AOL and if she had a block on it and she said she doesn’t know how to use it and maybe I could teach her. I told her I thought I could show her how, but to tell her how would be a different story, so I forwarded her message to Tom so that maybe he could help them.

Now here’s something that could be good news concerning El Cocko. El Cocko still hasn’t been around. I only saw its car once last Saturday. There’s been no music trouble, either. Once again, if they could stay the way they have been, then I’d love for them to remain my neighbors till we move.

El Cocko returned in a U-Haul, so why not go out in one? I thought about it and realized that this fuck must’ve moved out and it must’ve known it was gonna be gone for a while, or else why pack enough shit for a U-Haul? And also, if it were helping someone else move, wouldn’t it be back by now? And why was the driver that left with him driving a blue car and not the freeloader’s gray car?

How did I miss vibing it, though? Could the September vibe mean that’s when it’ll return? Well, if it does, I hope it’s after Labor Day, cuz if it is out of the picture for Labor Day, maybe there won’t be hell to listen to from over there that day. Just about all the outbursts that have taken place have taken place when he’s been there. The dog, the music, the ball games, the parties, have all been in his presence, so hopefully it’ll be gone for a long long time. I know it’ll come back at some point. That’s bound to be. The question is, though, will it be back in 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, or a year?

I also don’t think it went very far. It’ll probably pop in every 2-4 weekends to see the bitch.

After carefully monitoring my fat and calorie intake, and what with how I felt when I got up, I really thought that this was it; I had busted into the one teens for sure and was maybe 119½ at the very least, but nope. Again, how insulting! No God does not help those who help themselves, any more than he wants everyone to “be fruitful and multiply” as I hear the bible says.

I’m telling you - it’s either bend to God’s will or drive myself crazy! See, I know I’ll be 122-124 pounds indefinitely, it’s just that I’m having a hard time accepting it. I’ve been down this road before, though, and have had to accept plenty of other things, so I’ll accept this too, in time.

The thing of it is, though, is that if I ever got thin again, he’d do something else. There’d just be a new problem to deal with for quite a while, so maybe I’m better off fat. Especially if the replacement would be worse. When it comes to my life, compensation is what it’s all about. He won’t give me anything without taking something from me. He gave me the strength to not smoke. Therefore, he took my thinness away.

I think that it was a psychological delusion. Due to how I’ve been eating, I tricked myself into thinking that maybe things had changed for once, but I’m still the same big-bellied, fat-faced thing I’ve been for months now. My legs are the size my waist should be and my waist is what my hips should be.

Been up since 3 PM and the Caddy just slammed in. Just one not-too-loud slam. I still don’t know if El Cocko’s returned. I’m waiting to hear from Tom when he gets up. I think I know who is driving the Caddy, though. I think it’s her brother who’s about 19 years old and I think he’s a major drug runner too. 

A package for Tom just came. It’s mom and dad’s birthday present to him.

Later…

Caddy’s gone. I didn’t know it till I just checked. It seems to go quieter than it comes.

I called Tammy’s to see how the state investigation was going and Lisa answered. Tammy was at her therapist’s, but Lisa told me what I knew would be the case - case closed.

She’s bummed that she’s not gonna be living with Larry but understands it’s just not gonna happen. It depresses her that she can’t talk to him or my folks, and she asked if I’d pass a message along to them. So in my email to Mom and Dad, I told them that Lisa sends her love, but they didn’t hear that from me. They heard it from a little birdie, a psychic palm reader, but not from me. I’ll tell Larry the same thing when I do a letter to him.

Anyway, I told her that she’s 15 and not 5, so in just a few measly years, she can talk to whomever she wants to.

Andy’s been fired yet again. Good, God! And I had a vibe about it, too, when I saw that he was calling when he was supposed to be at work. He said the day manager had told him he was doing a great job, but then the night manager said, “Nope. You’re outa here.” And he had been making good money, too, finally. Unless Andy went on with the flirtatious attitude again, he really is cursed with jobs and sex. For me, it’s sex and doing what I want to do in life, but lately, life’s been good for me.

Is God trying to tell Andy something? Something like maybe it's time to get out of the restaurant business for a change? Go back east? We haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet cuz Michelle had popped over, but I’ll write about it after I talk to him.

Andy may not have a life, but I do and my life consists of more than phones so hopefully it won’t be an all-night thing and he won’t keep me tied up too long. I had chewed him out for the last time about the non-emergency weekend calls (which would’ve done me no good), but due to the fact that he’s jobless again and gonna need support, I told him to call anytime any day. But since Andy’s naturally one to sway against what others want, maybe he won’t call so much on weekends now that I said that.

Still eating a low-calorie, low-fat diet. I even swapped in the regular sugar that I use in my coffee, for Sweet-n-Low. Still smaller today, too, but I refuse to think it means anything cuz I’m sure it doesn’t. I’m sure I’ll fill out again. As long as I stay under 125. That’s what’s most important to me now. When I’m at 125 or higher, rocking becomes very uncomfortable.

At dusk, I was out swimming. The pool and weather were gorgeous. I love the temp at 82º in the shade. I was surprised the guard dogs didn’t spoil the peace. And no more ball games since the 4 came to play two evenings ago. It sure did sound like a distant kennel and daycare out there, though. I could hear lots of barking dogs a few blocks away and lots of screaming kids. Fortunately, it’s not next door! If it were, it’d be nothing but bark, bark, bark right now. The July dog vibe has eased up a bit, so that’s good.

Now, is the freeloader boy back? I’m just not sure. There hasn’t been enough door slamming to say that he is, but Tom will let me know if he sees its car when he comes in early in the morning. I’m still surprised I didn’t sense it leave and that it’s not back yet if it’s not back yet for sure. I did hear something earlier, but couldn’t quite tell where it was coming from. The freeloader isn’t always as obvious as he usually is when it comes to door slams.

I called Dad to wish him a happy Father’s Day. We didn’t talk long. Ma was out playing bingo.

Andy’s his usual selfish self who can’t even respect a friend’s wishes. Had to leave a message this weekend.

Kim sent me more jokes I’m gonna go check out.

It’s “small-time” again for me. Yeah, for a whole 5 hours. Then I’ll be all bloated and watery again till my next period. Yeah, I finally managed to pull off a good enough flow. I knew I would, though, eventually. I’ll just enjoy the fact that I’m the smallest I’ve been in a while it lasts, cuz it’s only a matter of time before this fat-faced, big-bellied woman goes right back to how she has been for how many months now? Has it been 5 months now since I’ve been weighing between 122-124?

My oh, so horny husband never touched me all weekend. Fine. I don’t want the problems it entails, and I can take of myself. I’m a big girl. He’s talking about tomorrow, though. I don’t think so. I love my husband, but not sexually. I hate him in bed. Unless he just goes down on me forever, I hate the bed charades.

Other than that, we swam together and got some things done around the house.

I could write more now, but I’d rather go check out my library book some more, but I’ll leave the computer fired up in case I do return to write more later.

Today we dismantled the old bunny hutch. It didn’t take long by using a pry bar and an electric screwdriver to pull the screws and nails out, but it would’ve taken quite a while had we not used these tools. 

In Ma’s email, she recommended some authors to me, so I’ll check them out the next time we go to the library.

No freeloader shit today and since I haven’t heard any car doors, which would be highly unusual if the cock were there, I’d say the cock isn’t there. It’s too quiet for it to be there.

Those 4 kids only played for 20 minutes yesterday so that was OK.

Later…

And here it is! I knew it’d be back and I knew that when it did come back, it’d return on a weekend. Yeah, I saw its car out front for sure. It took off, though, and I’m listening for when it returns. I’m sure I couldn’t miss those door slams even if I wanted to, though. There’s been no music yet, and no ball games today, but I can kiss the peace from the door slamming goodbye. I’d like to say that yes, it moved out with the U-Haul, whether or not it was because it was caught being here when it’s not supposed to be here, and it just popped in to either see the bitch or to get something it forgot, but nope. I’m sure it’s here full-time again and that it just went out for an hour or two and will be back any sec.

Here we go again with the wacky periods. Had a few spots on the 17th (period was due on the 16th) but since then - nothing. 

The latest scenario at Tammy’s - they’ve been there investigating (the state) and will be back Monday. Why do they even bother to have these state people when they do nothing but look around and talk? They don’t take kids out of households they shouldn’t be in. Hell, if Tammy smacked all the kids in front of the state, they still wouldn’t take the kids away. Even Tammy admits she’s not worried.

It’s really weird with Tom cuz at first he was against Larry and meeting with him a few years ago, but now he defends him. He brought up a good question, though - how does Tammy know that it was Larry who called the state? I asked her this just now and she said that he called Bill at work and asked him to sign over custody of Lisa to him. Bill, naturally, told him to get lost. Not cuz he loves Lisa, cuz you don’t love someone you beat, as far as I’m concerned, but cuz he doesn’t like Larry any more than Larry likes him.

This is the second time I called Larry at work since he told me he’d get back to me and his secretary told me he’s tied up. I get the feeling he’s avoiding me which is fine but I told her to tell him that if I can discreetly help in any way, let me know. I know what he’s doing. I’m on his side, etc.

Saw Gloria live on TV and she didn’t look huge, but she really is aging. You could really see it in her cheeks what with the way they’re starting to droop.

Later…

Just printed out January to June’s shit for the freeloaders. I know June’s not over, but close enough.

I thought I heard music a while ago, but I couldn’t tell for sure what it was or where it was coming from. Tom says he still hasn’t seen the freeloader and its car since it left in the U-Haul. Amazing, huh?!

Got the Nicolette Larson CD a couple of days ago and The Dream Academy CD today, so I’m gonna go listen to that till the sun’s just about set and it’s time for my last swim of the day.

Later…

It’s still not quite dark enough for my swim yet. Thank God it’s 7:30 and not 5:30 cuz there are 4 kids at the basketball hoop now. The Lopez girl and 3 white boys. I’ve seen these boys before too and am pretty sure they’re part of the Lopez clan too. Or that some of them are.

Larry did call me and he said he didn’t want to get into the situation with Lisa and Tammy which is understandable, but otherwise, he sounded good. He even joked saying that it was 40º and that they were expecting snow so I could give him my laugh. He’s been really busy but hasn’t forgotten about me.

Kim sent me some more jokes that I didn’t think were very funny. It’s still nice to have the jokes sent to me.

Marla emailed me for the first time in a while (this time I didn’t delete it) and she basically said the same thing I said. Andy says he understands our point of view, though, and that she and I share the same feelings.

Andy never acknowledged it was our anniversary. Never called to wish us a happy anniversary or to ask us what we did that day. Deep down, I figured it was cuz he was jealous, but I asked him if he was upset with me to see what he’d say. He said he wasn’t upset with me. Just that he’d been in his own little world recently. True. It’s gonna be a while before he’s over Quinn.

We went to the library yesterday. I got 3 Dean Koontz books and one by some guy that I’ve never heard of before.

My period’s finally starting. I should have a full flow tomorrow, but I don’t know if I will. My next period will be due on Linda Ronstadt’s birthday.

Last night my sister called me high on painkillers and it was hilarious. She went back and forth between laughing and telling me the details of her sex life with Mark, to being pissed about Mom and Dad. She says she has to have knee surgery, has a bum ankle, and something else, too. Yeah, that’s Tammy for ya! 

Then she went on to say that Boo and Max visit twice a year and call periodically. How nice of them to visit her twice a year, but when I lived just 10 minutes away, they never visited me. Meanwhile, she’s over an hour away. They never call me, either, but I know what it all boils down to. That crazy daughter of Dureen’s. They’d give me money if I went to their home or asked for it and for that I’m very grateful, but they don’t come to me on their own by visiting or by phone calls. Well, I certainly wouldn’t want them to do anything they didn’t feel comfortable doing and I told my folks this.

In Dad’s email reply to me, he said he thought I was acting "out of line" by what I had to say about them, saying they have given to me, and they always ask about me. Oh, I know that. I was just simply making an observation. Then he said that they went to see the kids while they went to Foxwood Casino which was right next door to Tammy’s. They went to see the kids? Now why would they do that? What’s in visiting the kids for them? Of course, I wasn’t stupid when he tried to tell me it was the kids they really went to see. Like they would’ve come to visit my kids if I had had any back there if it was next door to someplace they went, yeah right! I could be married with kids back in my old apartment on Woodside Terrace and they could be coming to see somebody on the floor below me, but that doesn’t mean they’d ever stop up one more flight to see me or my kids.

I accidentally deleted the email I got yesterday from Marla. I could’ve kicked myself for it and I hope she emails me again.

The freeloader isn’t back yet.

I’m utterly amazed at how quiet it’s been lately as far as stereos go. For a time, you’d hear several of them cruise by a day, but lately, I haven’t heard any. I shouldn’t say that, though, cuz now I will!

Oh also, my parents didn’t call Becky on her birthday. They did send her something, cuz Becky called to thank them. Then Tammy said something about how Becky was gonna hand the phone to her, but Mom said she didn’t want to talk to her, so Dad took the phone. Tammy had taken the phone by then and told Dad she didn’t want to talk to either one of them.

Last night Tammy tried to use me to get Mom and Dad’s sympathy (doesn’t she realize it won’t work)?! By asking me to call them to tell them I’m concerned about her having to have knee surgery. No, I wasn’t mad or anything. I’m used to her ways and it was harmless. Tammy will always be Tammy, I guess.

Tom picked up a bunch of shit that’s been lying around the back room for ages. I know it won’t be neat for long, so I’ll enjoy it while I can. Anyway, he did it so I could vacuum. I want to continue not having allergies and lung trouble.

In case I didn’t already mention it, we got Blackie some stuff for worms. It’s these capsules you break open and sprinkle in their food.

Later…

Well, my brother called the state on my sister today. Yes, Tammy called me to tell me that Lisa called Larry all upset that she can’t work at the convenience store, then Larry called the state. Lisa didn’t know Larry was gonna do what he did and according to Tammy, Lisa’s feeling guilty about it.

Later…

I got caught up doing other stuff, so I didn’t finish what I was saying about Larry, Tammy, and Lisa.

First, though, I haven’t heard a peep coming from next door. Not even car doors of the bitch’s rides in the last two days.

Anyway, Tammy called me wanting advice. I was surprised she’d ask for my advice seeing that I don’t have kids and can’t relate to what she’s going through. Also, I thought she was wary of trusting anyone. Well, she needed to talk to someone, so I listened to her. Her two biggest gripes are Lisa’s rebelliousness and mom, dad, and Larry’s having the nerve to judge her parenting and all that.

I wish the state could place the kids somewhere else. Somewhere where they’d be with someone who could handle them better but calling the state doesn’t do shit. All they do is come out and talk with the parent or parents, but that’s it. It’s nearly impossible to get a kid taken away from its mother. Murderers get custody of them all the time.

Later…

Well, someone is next door. I could see the sprinkler on over there.

Something just hit me - Tammy said Larry had a guy from the state call her where she works. Then she met the guy at her house. How did Larry know where she works? She works with Mark, and I guess Lisa gave Larry the address. Or maybe the guy called the house and Lisa answered and she was the one who had the guy call her at work.

Still getting regular emails from my folks. Ma’s better, but still needs to get her strength back. Dad says they’re proud of me for quitting smoking and happy, happy, happy anniversary!