For about 60 seconds I could hear that car stereo somewhere towards the front of the house. It was maybe half a mile to a mile away. Fortunately, this car seems to be just a visitor and not someone who lives there or else I’d hear it every day and not just on weekends. And I don’t hear it every weekend. We better not! We moved out here to live in peace, not listen to other people’s music. When I’m at home, I don’t want to know anyone other than my husband exists, and if I want to hear music, it’ll be mine. I’m sooo glad every weekend that goes by that I’m not in Phoenix! It’s been six months now since we left and It’s just oh so nice to know that right now I don’t have to be stressing like crazy and trying to keep from wishing I could kill those freeloaders. I know it’s got to be a nightmare over there right now unless they simmered down upon my leaving. If they did it’d only be because God never had it in for the H’s as far as noise went, and God could and would have the Mexicans happen to quiet down. Either that or God would have it so that the H’s don’t mind their little antics.

It’s such a great feeling knowing no one lives just a few feet away, and knowing I can go to bed anxiety-free and not have to wonder if their fucking stereo’s gonna wake me up. The military might, though, if they start up on the 1st and if I don’t keep my schedule on days, so I’m gonna wait and see what they do. I was stressed out 95% of the time I lived in Phoenix. I was either stressing over what noise they might sic on me or fuming mad at noise they were siccing on me. Always with me, always with them. That’s how it was. Well, no more and never again! Hee, hee!!

Every weekend, I’m as curious as I am grateful. Meaning, I wonder all the time - just how do the H’s feel about living next to a pack of sick Mexicans? Just how do they have the house decorated? Did they recarpet? Repaint? Remodel the kitchen? Put a new floor down in it? And just how do the Mexicans feel about being boxed in by five dogs? Yeah, I know - stupid question. They couldn't care less.

Anyway, we went out today to the Walgreens in Sun Lakes. Of course, we had to drive 10-15 miles below the speed limit some of the time. The last time I was out when we got the mice, we stopped at the Walgreens near there to see if I could find a small super ball for the rats, but they only had big ones. They had the skater Barbie I want, too. That day Tom said there was money for either the mice or the Barbie and to take my pick. Naturally, I picked the mice. Today’s choice was the Barbie, if it was there, or Dairy Queen. Well, we ended up having Dairy Queen as well as a few things from the store, but no balls or Barbies. I figured this one wouldn’t have that Barbie. This one’s harder to come by. I got a couple of pairs of panties since I’m sick of having only three pairs that aren’t too tight. I also got White Musk cologne. He got patches for a rip in his pants. Lastly, this sticky stuff that you can use to hang posters, pictures, and whatever, but it’s crap. I got the cool idea of sticking my Barbies to the wall, but they were too heavy, then the damn shit made a mark on the wall. If there’s anything I don’t like about these walls it’s the papery texture. I like the glossy, slick, smooth walls better which allow you to wipe things off so much easier. Things like spaghetti sauce just get absorbed into this stuff.

Tom fixed the Barbie stand I have. I never set it up right, I guess. He also straightened Colette’s leg. As my shit doll luck would have it, I always thought that she was leaning over a bit too much, making her pose look a bit unnatural, so he straightened one of the legs which was attached at a poor angle, so he could straighten her up a bit and make her look much better.

This is the second weekend to go by without a call from Paula. Maybe she finally did lose her phone.

Tom said that the instant he went out to turn the water on for the flowers, a bee landed on him and he reflexively shooed it away. He’s lucky he wasn’t stung. I can’t wait till we have that Arizona room so we can be outside, but be safe from these desert creatures!

Gophie’s changed her schedule on me. She isn’t showing up till later in the day. Yesterday, she didn’t show herself till 2:30 and she stayed out till close to 4:00.

I’ve rearranged the mice’s cages nicely. The five newcomers are together, while Oreo, Butter Rum and Freddie live together. Freddie’s the equivalent of how Velvet was - fat and lazy. He doesn’t wheel and I’ve never seen him screwing, either. He just eats and sleeps.

Some of my measurements are the same, some are smaller, and some are bigger. My tits are the same, my waist is down half an inch, my hips are up an inch, and my thighs are down an inch. Well, at least I’m still pretty much maintaining, which is all I can do. My weight is 122. It looks like I’m gonna be stuck today which will throw me back up to the usual 124-125. Plus, we plan on doing Dairy Queen tomorrow, which is about a thousand calories right there with the small fries and cheeseburger I get. We’re also gonna check out the Walgreens in Sun Lakes to see if they have small super balls. I know the rats would love one to play with when they’re out.

Rowing on the Bowflex is so fun and so easy that I question its effectiveness. However, Tom says that whenever you do any kind of physical activity, whether it’s fun or not, it’s doing something for you. Anyway, I just throw on the music and it’s a lot like listening to music.

Tom got up at 7:00 this morning, so if we get together today for a boring, predictable, cumless screw, it won’t be till the late afternoon or early evening.

Woke up at 121 pounds today.

I’m getting closer to the end of my story. I’m just about certain I’ll finish it sometime in May.

The air fresheners we use are plug-ins that you insert cartridges in that last about a month. Today Tom got one oil warmer and refill to try. It’s supposed to last twice as long, so I’m trying it out in my office.

I’m so frustrated and pissed right now at God. Is asking for the right to breathe really too much to ask for? Obviously, he thinks so. I’m sick of the constant tight spells and being so short of breath. And when I’m not tight, I’m congested. Why doesn’t he just smother me to death then?! I’m gonna finally break down and have Tom make an appointment for me, but I know it’ll end up being a waste of time and money. If I can find a doctor who’s where they say they are and who’s dependable, that I can rely on to return my phone calls, what can they do for me? Give me medication that won’t help? Or that’ll drive me crazy like that Aerobid did? I want back on the Theo. It seemed to help better than anything else.

I don’t have any say in my reproductive system, I don’t have any say in my breathing, I don’t have any say in my life!

Same goes for my weight, which I’ve finally decided to give up on. I’ll never lose weight or inches, so I’m just gonna move right on to the maintenance status and make sure I never get any bigger than I am now and that my weight never exceeds 125 pounds.

The flowers in front don’t look like they’re doing too well, but the flowers in back might make it. They’re just starting to come up, but nothing much is coming up in front.

I was thrilled to learn from Tom that Vermont’s going to be one of the first states to allow gays to marry. It’s about fucking time! No one should have the right to forbid anyone from marrying anyone. If a person wants to marry their goldfish, for God’s sake, they should be allowed to no matter how off the wall someone else may think it is. They’re not going to call them marriages, though. They’re going to be called civil unions, but they’ll have the same laws marriages do. A couple won’t be able to drop one civil union for another without legally divorcing from the first one just like straights. As Tom said, I wonder how many gays will move to Vermont so they can get married and how many will wait till it becomes legal in their state. I’m not surprised the first state to allow it is in the northeast, but I really thought New York would be the first state. I’ll bet Texas and Arizona will be the last to allow it. These are very conservative, prejudiced states. They didn’t even start acknowledging Martin Luther King Day till the year I came out here in 1992. It’s too bad they’re not a little more prejudiced with the hand-me-outs, though.

Tom and I used the glue gun earlier to glue seams on the plastic bottles the mice use where water was leaking, cuz I may really need these bottles, cuz I got five new mice yesterday! There are two different breeds of fancy mice. There are the shorter-haired ones that have satin-like, shiny fur, then there are the longer-haired ones with fur that’s kind of dull. I prefer short-haired silky mice. I got an all-white one and she’s gorgeous! I got a longer-haired one too, which reminds me a lot of Katie. Like Katie, she’s mostly white but has gray patches instead of brown ones. I got another black and white one and two brown ones that are identical and impossible to tell apart. The brown ones are babies and the others are adults. I listed the brown ones on my pet chart as Brownie and Gizzy, the black and white one is Cow, the Katie-like one is Toughie because of how she was the only one to defend herself against Butter Rum, and White Satin is my white silky mouse. They’re all females, and the lady there said a couple of them looked like they might be pregnant, but I don’t see it. This will be a good test, though. They were definitely in with males and at least some of them should be pregnant, but if they’re not, regardless of whether or not something’s wrong with Freddie or if Butter Rum and Oreo are too old, that’ll enforce my suspicions about the store doing something to sterilize their mice.

They had some all-black ones and I wanted one, but they were all males. We decided to get all females so Freddie and the males wouldn’t fight, but it turned out to be a waste of time, cuz Butter Rum was the one to instigate fights with the newcomers. I was surprised. I thought Oreo might do a little minor bullying at first like she did with Freddie, but Butter Rum was really out for blood on all the mice except for the babies. She bit their tails and just wouldn’t stop picking on them. I never heard of female mice being so territorial and vicious. I separated the bitch and her evil friend Oreo from the rest. If we do end up with babies, I’ll have three groups. Freddie and the male babies, the female babies and the new female adults, and then Oreo and Butter Rum. I may be able to stick some baby females in with Oreo and Butter Rum, though.

This store really has an awesome color variety. The other stores that had fancy mice only had all browns or browns with white markings.

Tom said, true to my vibes, that we’re looking good for getting a new printer in June. In fact, I’m gonna go make up new picture pages for the people back east and see if they “disappear” between now and then.

I decided to go back to bottled water again. Although it was a very subtle difference, there was a difference between the bottled water and the filtered well water, so for now, until we get a good filtering system going, I’ll drink the bottled water.

Smokey’s eyes are both fine now. I think that instead of having something wrong with his eyes, they were just shut cuz he was that young and they hadn’t opened fully yet. He sneezes a lot like Ratsy does. I guess they have allergies.

After doing some research, I’ve concluded that the reason the mice haven’t gotten pregnant could be due to either the store sterilizing them, or them being too old. Today after work, Tom plans to stop at Mary’s to sand Ma’s bathroom door. If she gives him any money for it, we’re gonna get five mice and boost the population that way.

This is the third day in a row that Gophie’s hung out by her hole just outside the front of the house. It seems she appears about an hour after I’ve gotten up and opened the blinds. That’s when I go out and bring her seeds and lettuce. She runs and hides in her hole as soon as I open the door and waits ten minutes or so after I’ve gone back in the house before coming out to eat. She hangs out there from about 10:00-2:00. Same time the iguanas are out and about.

Although I’ve been watching the calories and shitting regularly, I can’t seem to budge under 123 pounds and it’s very doubtful that I ever will. So I live my life 20 pounds overweight. It could be worse. Aren’t most people 50 or 60 pounds overweight?

The renters built a chain-link fence around the front of one or both of the rentals. I can’t tell from here. I guess it’s for the big dog one of them just got, which I can’t believe I haven’t heard regularly. It’s so weird how people use their front yard as their backyard out here. At least they’re confining the dog. Most people around here let their dogs roam loose.

Dan’s still got those trailers sitting wide open. Tom said the more he thought about it, the more he doubted they were to haul trucks away. He thinks he just happened to get a good deal on them and thought they’d be good to have.

I went online to see how many hits I could get on the names I chose for characters in my book, and was amazed at how many hits I got! There were computer people, librarians, tennis players, and people born/married who were coming up with those names. So I did a little name-changing, even though I know it’s not necessary. All I would’ve had to do is what people always seem to do with books and TV shows; put a disclaimer on saying that the book is a work of fiction and any relation to any person living with these names is just a coincidence, blah, blah, blah. Even so, I’d rather try to avoid hits if possible.

Another day of waking up at 123 pounds and having no trouble shitting.

Tom and I both worked out earlier (not at the same time, obviously). I’m working out Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and rowing every day.

It’s amazing how much firmer I’ve become. I just wish I looked it. Tom’s still so sure he can keep on eating the way he has and still lose weight and inches by May 19th (the end of the 6th week). Yeah, right. And I can grow purple hair if I eat enough popcorn. He doesn’t eat like a pig, but he still eats more than he should if he wants to lose pounds/inches. You have to diet as well as exercise. Exercise alone won’t do it. Why do you think I’ve cut my calories, I asked him. Cuz I like being hungry?

He still tries to kid me too, by saying that this working out will strengthen his arms and give him stamina so he can get off when we screw. That’s what he said - how many things ago? How many things were supposed to “cure” him since I’ve known him? Most other guys older than him don’t seem to have such a problem. You mean a piece of equipment will get him off, but his wife can’t? I don’t think so! Anyway, he can do what he wants as long as he quits trying to kid me about it.

I really picked the perfect room to be my office. Not just because it’s away from the den where he makes his gross eating sounds when he watches TV, but because there are closets in between our offices. That way, when he’s in his office playing loud games, I can’t hear it in my office and can still concentrate on my writing. If my office was in the guest room, then I could hear his games loud and clear.

I was tight earlier, so I called him at work since I was out of regular coffee and asked if he’d get some, which he did. At least he’s punctual when it comes to things like that. Cleaning dryer vent lint, fixing dolls, and cleaning up trash is a different story.

Shortly after I got up at 9:00 when my alarm went off, I saw Gophie standing by her hole, looking at the house expectantly. I brought her some of the rat/mouse food and some lettuce, too.

I saw iguanas today, but no jackrabbits.

I can’t wait till May 1st. I’m anxious to see if they update Carol Kane’s TV appearances. The guide I found gives all her appearances for April only, and of course, a month is about as far in advance as the TV stations schedule things, anyway. I can’t wait to see her in Office Killer again and this time I’m gonna tape it!

No music or engine-gunning so far this weekend, but lots of animal activity now that it’s mating season. We took pictures with the camera and filmed with the camcorder. We saw quails, roadrunners, and more. We’ve been seeing those iguanas every day, too. The big one’s getting used to us. I took Tom out to see it and he got as close to it as I did when I took its picture, so it’s not too timid. We also saw a pair of adult jackrabbits and they are huge! I thought they were dogs at first. These aren’t cute little rabbits either, but big ugly hares, cuz of the way their back legs get so long, raising them up. They even lose their cottontail as they grow. They’re still really cool to see. I wish we could at least have one snake to get a picture of, too.

Tom came and got me while I was listening to music to show me that Gophie’s back! And this time, she’s a little braver and living in a closer hole. I got to watch her like never before. Her hole’s just at the start of the wash, like ten or so feet away from the house. I’m pretty sure it’s the same Gophie because knowing how timid these animals are, she sure seemed as if she’d had experience with people before. Although she’d run and hide in her hole whenever I’d go out to leave her some food, she’d jump back out as soon as I went back into the house and would sit there eating the food. She did some digging around her hole, too. We’re still not sure if this is a kangaroo rat, a groundhog, or a prairie dog, but from the research we’ve done online, it looks like it may be a prairie dog.

Later...

Woke up today at 123 pounds, but I can’t say I’m excited about it, cuz I know I’ll be back to 124-125 pounds within a few days. Especially since I stop shitting for a day or two when I drop to 122-123 pounds. I can’t lose weight with this irregularity.

To my surprise, we ended up screwing today, but not before he took a shower which I’m sure he relieved himself.

Tom’s watching TV now, making no effort to fix Jade like he said he would months ago. I am so sick of this man saying he’ll do things he either doesn’t do at all or does so long after he said he would. He really disappoints me. Now he’s claiming he wants to wait till it gets really hot, cuz he likes to work when it’s really hot out before he’ll pick up the trash all over the property. He says he’ll dump stuff in nearby areas as I suggested by wheeling shit over in the wheelbarrow. We’ll probably use the land that’s to the right of us. I’m sure there’ll be some new excuse once it does get really hot, though. There always is. Gotta push and push and beg and plead to get him to do things. And how long must we let $250 just sit and go to waste? I wish he’d just fix the damn doll or get rid of it! I’m sure we could find some sucker on eBay that’d buy it for close to what we paid for it, then I could take that money and buy an assembled one like I should’ve to begin with.

Last night I began working on my story again.

Week two of working out and I haven’t lost any weight/inches, just as I predicted. In fact, I’m even bigger and heavier by an inch or two and by a few pounds. I’m building up muscle, but it’s just pushing the fat outward that’s on top of it. I’m not burning any of the fat while I build the muscle. As I’ve known and said for the last two or three years now, I can’t lose weight or inches and I never will, and I’ve got to just accept that and move on. I decided that if I’m gonna be as big as I am, I’m gonna have something to show for these inches. So, I’ve decided to turn these inches into muscle. I’ll still always have the fat overlaying it, but I’m going to just concentrate on building muscle. That’s all I can do, so I’m going to up the weight and cut my reps and work out only three days a week. On my off days, I’ll do rowing. Toning is totally out of the question for me. I can only build.

I’ll still eat reasonably, like I always do, and drink as much water as I can. I’m even going to start drinking filtered well water so we don’t have to keep buying bottled water. I’ll run it through the Brita till we can get a filter on the pipes.

Anyway, I’m just waiting for Tom to get closer towards the end of his day so he can start tiring down so he can have an easier time keeping himself from cumming. I am not looking forward to another boring, predictable bed session!

I’m beginning to suspect that the store we bought our mice from does something to sterilize them, although God only knows what. I know we put out the infertility vibes really well, but the odds of getting three sterile mice seem very unlikely. And I always did think it was strange that none of the three mice I had gotten were pregnant when they were mixed in with males. Then we get this male and still, they don’t get pregnant, even if there are only two of them now. I really think the store does something to sterilize them to up their sales. If you can’t buy one female and one male to breed with, then they know you have to come back and buy more and more if you want quantity. So, in order to have 15 mice, if that’s what you want, you have to buy 15 mice.

Later...

We didn’t screw. He just couldn’t get in the mood. He had to get up and look out the window in the middle of my warming him up by hand cuz he was “curious” about a motor we heard cruising by. He offered to go down on me, and I was sort of horny, but nah. I’d rather just quickly take care of myself and get it over with.

The Others is back to having new shows running, so who knows how many we missed these last few weeks, or why they started reruns if they had new shows. We’re going to watch it together when it goes on in an hour.

Although I flipped my schedule enough to return to the Melatonin two nights ago, I woke up extra early this morning. I fell asleep around midnight and awoke at 5:00 needing to pee. I couldn’t go back to sleep, but I laid there till around 9:00 and even dozed off at times.

Dan made his departure loud and clear when leaving at 7:30. He just had to gun that engine a few times before leaving. He couldn’t just leave. The little fuck did a little afternoon engine-gunning yesterday and the day before too, but amazingly, it was only for a few minutes. When’s this fuck gonna split? In June? The trailers are still there too, seemingly untouched. With my shit luck, this cock will decide to stay here year-round.

It shocks me to say this, and probably always will, but I was the one who cracked my computer problem yesterday. The reason I couldn’t use the word processor I normally use (I’m using it again, though) was because my mouse pointer would lock up. It was a major breakthrough when I discovered that I could trick it by moving the mouse to the sides of the toolbar and not across it. Tom thought it was within the toolbar at first, but then he realized it was the mouse. I guess I had a corrupt file and it caused the mouse to fail, so he turned off the wheel motion and the double clicker, so now I’m using just a basic mouse. Just in case something happens where I can never use my word processor again, or open any of its documents elsewhere, I printed out important stuff; journal stuff, my story, pet and doll charts, grocery lists, phone numbers, etc.

Later...

OK, I’m going to finish updating with my new keyboard. Yeah, the breakage around here has been unfuckingbelievable! So far, 90% of what I’ve predicted would occur during the first few months in the house has been accurate. Tom’s not going to cum this month like I said I felt he would when he last came last November or December because I told him about it. So, he’s got to prove me wrong, of course. Fine with me. As long as he’s happy. Anyway, knowing a lot of things are going to be breaking takes some of the surprise out of it, but not the frustration. It still pisses me the fuck off. No one’s stuff breaks like ours. Not even those who have ten times the amount of stuff we do. My stereo stopped playing CDs, one of the sound machines broke, one of my staplers broke, my keyboard acted up (Tom gave me a different one which I’ll have to get used to), and I know there’s more. Of course, both computers are still having problems, although mine’s certainly improved since I made the mouse discovery. I need a new mouse. I need/want a lot of things and I realize we’re never going to truly get ahead in life, so to speak, if we don’t find out what’s cursing us and a way to free ourselves of it. I mean, we can move and have a nice house, but how much can we really do/have with this curse hanging over us? I have a zillion questions which only lead to more questions - why does this thing, or things, hate us so much? Where is it? What is it? How, if possible, can we get rid of it? We’re going to have to do some curse research.

I’ve certainly become cursed with the weight since quitting smoking. I just cannot lose weight/inches. I had silly hopes of being able to eat 1500-2000 calories a day as long as I worked out, but nope. I’ve gained weight. Some of it may be premenstrual water retention, but still, I should be at least a few pounds lighter and an inch or two smaller by now and I’m not. The only difference I feel, although I suppose it’s better than nothing, is firmer overall. I really am going to have to have just 1000 calories a day which is like total starvation for me. To go one day with just 1000 calories is hell on me, let alone weeks. But anyway, this doctor that’s associated with Bowflex is guaranteeing that if I do just 10 exercises a week, 3 times a week, drink lots of water, and don’t exceed 1000 calories per day, I can lose about 16 pounds in just 6 weeks. It gets even harder to believe: he also says that once I get my weight stabilized to an ideal weight, I can drop to working out just 2 times a week and can go up to 1600-2400 calories a day. Yeah, right! But even so, I’m curious to give it a try and see just how full of shit this cock really is, although I’m going to do nearly 20 exercises for a more complete workout. I’ll work out on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I’m currently 125 pounds and my measurements are as follows: Chest-37, Waist-30, Hips-37, Thighs-22.

For the sake of my crotch and the soreness it gets when more than two weeks go by before we screw, I gave Tom an ultimatum. I told him that I must do it at least once every two weeks or he’ll never touch me again. We don’t have to do it daily, a few times a week, or weekly, but we can’t let more than a couple of weeks go by. Nonetheless, the sex we had two days ago wasn’t as painful as I thought it’d be, and he had no problem getting hard. Of course, those times he did, he was normal, because if you can’t cum, you shouldn’t be able to get hard in the first place.

Tom ran into Dan today at Circle K. He pulled in to use the gas pump near him and asked how we like it here. He should’ve asked when he was leaving, but he didn’t want to be too chatty with the dude and give him the wrong idea. Meaning that we don’t want him to think he can just drop by for coffee whenever he feels like it or anything like that.

Again I saw those big lizards that live in front under the bush I thought Gophie lived in. If she did live there, she doesn’t live there now. It looks like there’s one adult and two babies that live there. The adult is about 1½ feet long with a dotted body and striped tail. Today I finally got a good picture of it too, which Tom was quite impressed with. He looked it up online and found a picture of it. It’s not a Gila monster. It’s a desert iguana. It’s not venomous, either. Gila monsters are supposed to be as poisonous as rattlesnakes.

The baby rats are growing day by day, but they’re still too small for the regular rat cage. I let Ratsy visit with them at times. Ratsy and Fudgie have really hit it off and they love to play together.

As for the mice, I’m just not meant to breed them. What? You mean first we can’t breed ourselves and now we can’t breed mice? Well, I don’t know what’s wrong here, but these mice would’ve had to have babies by now if they were going to. Freddie’s definitely a male, Oreo and Butter Rum are definitely females, they’re said to be in heat every other day and carry for only 3 weeks, so I guess it’s just not meant to be.

Now that I’m back on a schedule, I have mixed emotions about it. It’s different when you don’t absolutely have to be on a schedule and when you don’t have to check out of a hotel at a set time. I want to be on a schedule cuz it’d match Tom’s, and so I can sleep at night with less risk of being woken up, but I don’t want the pressure, the time frames, and the alarm clocks to deal with, either. For now, I’m just taking it day by day till my appointment rolls around and till they start booming in the sky again.

Yesterday and the day before, an out-of-area call came in the afternoon that I answered because I thought it could be Tom. On the first call, I heard nothing. On the second call, someone was definitely there, although I never heard any voices, breathing, or anything. Just someone trying to hang up, but being the little phone expert I am, I know you can’t just hang up on someone you call if they don’t hang up. You have to hold your receiver down for about half a minute before you can lose the person you called. Tom said it was probably a wrong number and that people often don’t speak when they realize they’ve dialed the wrong number. I think it was pesky sales, but why the silent treatment - who knows?

Two days ago a guy with a clipboard came to the door in regular clothes, saying something about working for or with the phone company. Then he read off the date we had our pole put in and wanted to know the address for records because of owing money or something like that. Tom asked if he was casing, asking weird questions like how many people live here, etc., but nope. Just the address. If he had asked that, I would’ve told him to mind his own fucking business and to get off our property before I made him wish he’d never set foot on it in the first place. He was probably legit, but for all I know, it could’ve been some bullshit plot set up by the cops for something someone did to the blacks or Mexicans that they were going to try pinning on me. I can’t be the only enemy those people had/have. Those kinds of people attract tons of enemies, and it’d be convenient for them to point a finger at me, say if their house was torched and they didn’t know who did it, cuz they made sure to get me on record for “biasing” them. Even Mr. Bias couldn’t see that I was the victim, but I don’t think he wanted to. Hey, what do you expect? He wasn’t white, either.

I have a new crush. Her name’s Carol Kane and she’s an actress. Surprisingly, she’s another blue-eyed blond. All I know about her is that she’s going to be 48, she’s 5‘2”, was born in Cleveland and moved to New York at age 10. I haven’t found anything saying she’s ever been married or had kids. She used to smoke, and is rather obscure and unpopular, even though she’s made over 70 TV appearances between series and movies. I never heard of her myself till I saw her recently in a movie called Office Killer. It was actually in a series from the 70s that I noticed she looked great in, but she didn’t look that great in Office Killer because her role was that of a mousy, conservative geek. She looked better at the end of the movie when she let her hair down and took off her glasses.

We’re still having major computer problems with both computers. He says he’s stopping by Mary’s today to pick up the Microsoft Word disk to reload it. He says that might fix the problem, but somehow I doubt this and am on the verge of doing everything by hand. I need a system I can depend on and my hand may be the only solution. I don’t like the idea of finishing my story or doing journals and letters by hand, but if that’s what I have to do, that’s what I have to do. I can’t play these hit-or-miss games, not knowing whether or not I can access this or that, etc.

Right now I’m going to go print out odds and ends, in case they’re forever lost and can’t be opened in other programs. Something’s definitely cursing both our computers, that’s for sure!

This morning I woke up at 5:00 and we left an hour later after setting the bombs off. I ended up doing a ton of work today between prepping to bomb and cleaning up afterward, but 80% of the work was cuz of the animals.

We put the animals in the backseat and drove leisurely to Circle K where I got a brownie and coffee. He got soda and cakes. We also got a couple of scratch tickets and one won $3.

It wasn’t too hot like I worried it would be. It was actually pretty cool at first and I had to wear a sweater over my tank top. There was a nice breeze keeping it from feeling too hot once it got later. We didn’t go into the house till almost 10:00 and it didn’t smell at all, although we did what they said to do, and we opened windows to ventilate the place for a while. It was the perfect day for it too, cuz it wasn’t too calm, nor was it windy. Last night was a whole different story. It was wicked windy. Our power even flickered in and out a few times.

Tom still hasn’t gotten Microsoft Word up and running, but he said Mary has it still (that’s who it got it from) and we can reinstall it if we have to. For now, I switched from using WordPad to NotePad, because I was worried that I couldn’t copy and paste from Word Pad like I know I can from NotePad. This program’s very plain and simple. There are no colors and no spell check, but if you hit F5 it puts the time/date in for you. I like that. Microsoft Word does it too, but not with a hotkey.

Mary called earlier with some computer problems.

Paula called yesterday and I decided to answer since it had been a while. I wish she’d hurry up and lose that damn phone for a good 6 months sometimes! Nonetheless, we had a nice chat.

Oreo, one of my mice, was so cute earlier the way she was setting up the nest. I shred paper for them every time I change their cages. Anyway, she dragged strips of paper, one by one, from cage to cage and it was so cute. She doesn’t always set up nests in the same areas.

We got to see some interesting animals around here. I got to see my first jackrabbit today on our way back from the store, along with some quails. Yesterday, I saw my first Gila monster. Two of them. At least, we think that’s what they were. At first I thought it was Gohpie, who I haven’t seen, then I thought it was a small snake till I realized it was a big lizard. It was about two feet long. I took some pictures of it, but they didn’t come out too well. Tom said they’re as poisonous as rattlesnakes.

Tom dug up an ugly shrub-like thing that was by Scuttle’s grave that looked like a giant spider, which was nice of him to do.

A couple of weeks or so ago, our property began to become littered with little green clumps of what I thought were weeds, but today I noticed little flowers sprouting here and there. He says desert flowers bloom at this time of year. That ought to be really pretty.

We got the flowers planted and I started to get pissed off at God and society for a minute there while we were working. It wasn’t even 9:00 AM, yet someone, somewhere towards the front of the house, was blaring a car stereo. Again, it sounded nothing like having one of those blaring a few feet away from you, but still, I was like - you mean I still have to listen to this shit?! In the middle of a 10-acre ranch? What’s this world coming to? Before long, there’ll be no place to go to live in peace. There’ll be loud music everywhere that can be heard for miles and miles. What is it with these people I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to call my fellow humans? Why do they feel such a need to put on a show and be noticed? What makes these people so desperate for attention? So desperate to stand out and be heard? Anyway, the amazing part was that it only lasted a few minutes, not a few hours.

And today I’m 123 pounds. Yes, I can really feel the difference and even see it a little, too.

Yesterday was a great day. As soon as Tom got in, we headed for the pet store and found two cute rats with beautiful fur/colors! Not without getting pissed and shit on, though. Their definition of fancy rats is different. They consider fancy rats to be hairless rats (yuck) and consider what we know to be fancy rats as pet rats. They were the usual price - $7. I got a brown one that I named Fudgie that’s about the size Scuttles was when I got him, and an even smaller rat, the smallest one I’ve ever had that looks like a gigantic mouse, that I named Smoky. His fur is a gray smoky mist color. It looks really cool. He has a bad eye, though. I guess he may have gotten bit on one eye because of the way he squints. But he sometimes squints with the other eye too, so who knows what the deal is?

Fudgie’s not as dark as Scuttles was. I think he’s even lighter than Vanilla Belly was, too.

There was this really brave and curious lady rat I would’ve gotten if she weren’t a lady, even though her markings were similar to Ratsy’s. She bit Tom three different times, but not in a vicious way. She was just trying to get him to pay attention to her while he was trying to get one of the rats out. The young girl working there was afraid of getting bit.

I took some cute pictures. Naturally, they’re in the tank together since they’re too little for the other cage. They could easily slip through the bars. I brought Ratsy to visit them for a few minutes. God, is Ratsy huge compared to these guys! And to think that these rats will someday be bigger than Ratsy is hard to believe.

Anyway, Fudgie seemed to be more timid than Smoky at first, but then he became more curious about me and what’s outside his cage than Smoky was. All Smoky wanted to do was eat, sleep and clean himself. He didn’t seem the least bit interested in what was going on around him. He was so cute and funny when he fell into the water bowl. His back feet slipped off the rim, so he took a nose-dive into the water. It sure did startle him and he jumped out lightning fast. Fudgie slipped in too, but with his back feet, not with his face.

The sleeping less than 8 hours caught up with me and I slept 9 hours last night and didn’t get up till 4:00 AM. My schedule has just about flipped. I want to start getting up at 9:00 regularly. That’ll give me enough time to be available to do things and go places, and I can also beat the boomers once they start booming by again. It’s been a month now since I’ve heard regularly from them.

Again, I can’t stress how great the Bowflex is. It’s even helped curb the lower back pain I’ve been having, and talk about increased energy! Between my working out and all the housecleaning I do, no one can say I’m not active enough. My workout routine consists of about 50 exercises and lasts an hour and 15 minutes. As for housecleaning - I’ve done more cleaning in the few months we’ve been in this house than I have in the 6 years in the Phoenix house.

I’m saving this stuff quite often. Like every paragraph. My whole computer is hexed right now. Tom said it was just my word processor, but now other programs are being a problem and hanging up on me.

Remember how I said I had a feeling something didn’t want me printing out the pictures for Tammy, Doe and Art? Well, now there’s no doubt in my mind about that. All the pictures I grouped for them are gone, but everything else is still intact. If I’m getting all this shit for just planning on sending these pictures, what will I get if I actually do send them? These people just aren’t worth finding that out, so I’ll white out their names/addresses and send stuff to Paula when I get the chance. I don’t need to send them shit anyway. These are people I don’t like and don’t intend to reunite with in 10 years like Larry did because I’m not interested in their money.

I can’t wait for Tom to get home from work, cuz today’s the day we’re going rat hunting! I was just too tired yesterday, but today, I look forward to getting out even if I don’t find any good rats. They did, after all, have a shitty selection the last time we were in the store getting Freddie.

Yesterday I was up a pound at 125, but today I’m down to 124. Even if I could have the measurements I had when I was 100 pounds, I’d never weigh 100 pounds because the muscle I’m building is going to be heavier. I don’t think I’ll be able to get my weight much lower than 120. Maybe 115, but that’s pushing it. I also don’t think I can have my old measurements back either, but if I can get somewhere in between where I am now and where I was then - great.

I’m typing this in a thing called Word Pad because there’s a corrupt file within the word processor, Microsoft Word that I normally use. I can’t use the thing because I can’t access drop-down menus or close windows. I even lose my mouse pointer. Tom’s going to work on it tonight. Once it’s fixed, I’ll cut and paste whatever I type here over there.

This Bowflex thing is the best thing I ever had, not to mention the most effective. With the floor work, I’d get so breathless, but with this, it’s more effective and you don’t get so out of breath. Already, I can feel the difference. I feel firmer all over. Not just in a few select areas. I still have a lot of fat to lose and a lot of flab to tone, but I sure feel better. It gives me more energy. For the last three days, I’ve been up around 18 hours and have only slept 5-7 hours. I hope to sleep later tonight because we plan on going rat hunting this week using some of the money he got working on Mary’s computer (he got $80).

Mary also gave us four packets of those beautiful flowers. The marigolds and the sunflowers aren’t too impressive, but the mix of colorful flowers sure is. Since we see out the front windows more often, I plan on putting the colors in the front, and the others in back. We’re going to plant them this weekend. They don’t bloom yearly. They’ll die sometime this summer. I guess that’s why they’re only 69 cents a pack.

Tom’s getting a medallion for an award tomorrow for being the wonderful coach he is at work. Basically, his job is to help people fix their fuck-ups.

Now Paula does have a phone, from what she says. She told me she was losing her phone, but she obviously hasn’t. She said her phone would still be on for a while and to call her. She just doesn’t get it. I mean, doesn’t she remember my story about the long-distance blocks? Anyway, I’ll send her letters and pictures about once a week.

Believe it or not, the mice still haven’t had their babies, but they’ve got to be very close.

Tom set up the old dot matrix the other day so I could print out letters and journal stuff. I still can’t wait to have a new printer that prints in color so I can get these damn pictures off to Tammy, Doe and Art. Instead of getting a printer that has a black cartridge and a color cartridge, I’m going to get one that has a cartridge for each color, so that’ll be one for black, one for pink, one for blue, and one for yellow. No more of this not being able to print bullshit when I’m fully loaded on black, just because my color cartridge dies.

Got up at 9:00. Yeah, my schedule’s climbing around. I can’t wait to get back on days and not have to worry about not being able to be available to go somewhere. And I hate having to go to bed in the bright sunlight, too!

At 10:00, although barely audible, someone was playing music. Again, it was coming from the back of the house, and again I couldn’t see any lights on at Dan’s or the renters. The trailers are still on Dan’s property too, so I guess he hasn’t left yet. Anyway, just like before, the stereo would have to be either outdoors or directly by an open door or window. The weather is nice enough, too. Not too warm or too cool at this time. It’s always possible that Dan could’ve turned off all his lights and opened his windows before blasting the music. That is the classic behavior of someone that lonely. He could even have the speakers in the window facing outward. I doubt he leaves Arizona just because of the heat. I’m sure he can’t stand the loneliness and that’s why he leaves too, to give himself a break from it and to see his family. It’s hard to have that many friends way out here, so any friends he may have are probably in Indiana and I still can’t figure out why he even bothers living out here. Anyway, we’ve never gone more than 4-6 weeks without hearing music, so once he does finally leave, that’ll be a good test as to whether or not the music was his, cuz you figure he’s got to be gone at least three months.

We’re starting to find at least one spider a day in the house. Thank God this house isn’t as loosely sealed up as Phoenix was or else we’d have a dozen a day. We’re gonna bomb in a couple of weeks or so when it’s hot to stay and when all the insects of the year have been born. That way, we won’t have to worry about three months. They’re probably coming in when we’re going in or out, and they could slip by us easily, cuz these spiders we’re seeing are super-fast.

We talked about getting one or two rats sometime within the next two or three weeks. I know Ratsy will be glad when we do. He’s obviously lonely and bummed out and he was never an explorer like Scuttles was.

Now for the best news since losing my beloved Scuttles - the Bowflex came yesterday!!! Was it missing a piece for coming when it did without us having to lead the UPS driver in? Of course. But fortunately, it was a useless piece; a rubber cap-like cover you put at the end of one of the bars to the leg extension piece. No big deal. Tom put it together while I slept and he said it took him two hours to do it.

Anyway, I love it and already I can’t imagine ever living without it! You can only do so much floor exercise, and treadmills and bikes are close to useless, so what was I to do? Go take walks in the heat with the snakes? You really need resistance! Resistance you can’t get on a floor, a bike or a treadmill. Pumping iron is the key.

It’s amazing how compact it is. It’s only about six feet tall and eight feet long. Each side has five power rods which are the weights. There’s a five, two tens, a thirty, and a fifty. Tom was smart by not bothering to get this pulldown bar you can also get, cuz it would’ve been a complete waste. You can do those same exercises with the cables and pulleys you use to do the bulk of the workout. We’ll only be using the leg extension piece for about one exercise. Everything else can be done with the cables and power rods. You attach the cable to whatever power rods you want to use. The rower is a seat that you pull a pin out on so it moves up and down the track it’s on while you keep your feet on the bar in front of you. I usually row with the 30-pound weights as my warm-up and cool-down, but to do most of the exercises I only use 10-15 pounds because I want to tone and not build. There’s a bench you can use too, either flat or inclined.

I went through and organized the exercises when I was making my own fitness program. Instead of taking the bench on or off every other exercise, I’m doing them in groups. First I’ll do the ones without the bench, then with it flat, then with it inclined, etc.

The only thing I don’t get, and that’s pretty contradictory, is how they say there is no such thing as “spot reduction” when it comes to exercising the backs of the thighs, and not to do the inner thigh exercise if you think it’ll burn fat and make them smaller, cuz all it’ll do is make them stronger. So what they’re saying is that I’ll build muscle there, but will keep the fat and the inches, too? Isn’t that impossible? I thought the more you toned up, the more the muscle you built ate the fat around it.

Anyway, my starting weight is 124 pounds, although I still don’t expect this thing to make such grand changes for me. I mean, that’s what I thought about quitting smoking, and look how wrong I was! Although I am an hourglass, I’m a pretty blown-up one. My tits are 37, my waist is 29, my hips are 38, and my thighs are 22½. Ideally, I’d like to have my tits be 34, my waist 24, my hips 34, and my thighs 18, but I know this is just a dream.

I’m not going to overwhelm myself with having to do the math. They talk about counting heartbeats, measuring skin folds with a caliper to measure fat loss, counting calories, etc., but I’m just going to use common sense. I’m going to keep on eating as sensibly as I always try to do anyway, and do what exercises I feel comfortable doing without straining myself. I want to work out so I feel the muscle working, but not so I feel it an hour after I’ve done the exercise.

I’m pretty miserable right now. Scuttles is definitely dying. I can’t find any tumors on him and he’s definitely not dying of old age, so my guess is that he caught Tom’s cold. Anyway, I’ve been crying on and off and am not in the mood to really write much now, so I’ll be back another time.

Later...

It is with much sadness that I begin this entry, for I have lost my sweet little friend. I’ll miss my dear Scuttles. He was so cute, smart, and fun to play with. He really loved me as much as I loved him and looked forward to seeing me as I did him. And poor Ratsy, who has to live all alone now. Rats don’t like living alone. Ratsy doesn’t like to come out and explore nearly as much as Scuttles did, but when he does - boy is he a hyper one! Maybe that’s why he doesn’t last as long when he’s out. Scuttles was much calmer than this little guy. Why is it that all my rats (with the exception of Bear) have died so soon, yet Ratsy, the oldest, lives on and on? Tom thinks it’s because all the others were bigger than Ratsy, and that the larger you breed an animal to be, the more you cut their lifespan.

And where does our mean, insensitive, unfair, cruel, heartless, ruthless God fit into all this? Only he knows. I’m angry with him, that’s for sure. He didn’t have to let Scuttles die so young, so soon. I only had him for five months. And I still don’t know what killed him, either. I didn’t see any tumors, and he certainly wasn’t old, although he looked and acted it during these last two days. He was weak, he wouldn’t eat and lost weight, and his brown fur started graying in the back near his tail. Tom doesn’t think he caught his cold, or else he’d have given it to Ratsy and Ratsy would be sick and dying, too. He reminded me that it could be a blood disease or other things just like people get. Maybe something went wrong with his kidneys or liver.

The last couple of days, all he did was lay around. He was very weak and appeared to have difficulty breathing. I couldn’t get him to eat, but he did take a few drinks here and there. Amazingly, he wanted to come out at times, too. It was like he wanted to see me and explore as much as he could, knowing his time was limited. He didn’t roam around, though, like he usually did. He’d just walk a few feet away from his door and sit there. At one point, I put him by himself in the pig’s old tank because Ratsy wanted to play and I thought it was hard on him with the way he was jumping all over him. However, despite his weakened state, he jumped right out of the tank, wanting to go home and be with Ratsy, even though Ratsy could get quite rambunctious.

It’s scary how fast one can die. Just three days ago he was as healthy as could be, so full of life and energy. It scares the shit out of me when I think of the possibility of losing Tom before I die between the ages of 61 and 63 like I’ve sensed I would for a few years now. Whether or not he died slowly or suddenly, I could not live without him and I would not live without him. Not even if I had all the money in the world and could buy anything money could buy.

We were about as close as any pet and owner could be, and I wonder - how long will I grieve for him? How long? I can be concentrating on talking with Tom, reading, singing, writing, etc., and then he pops into my head and I start bawling my eyes out. I think my eyes will always at least sting every time I think of him. Sometimes they just burn with the threat of tears, and other times I lose it completely and I cry and cry and cry. How it hurts to look towards his cage and not see him waiting at the door for me. That hurts the most; knowing he’s not at the door waiting to be let out to run around. To chase strings and bubbles, which is something Ratsy loves to do, too. I guess a rat is a rat. But even so, Scuttles was so special to me. There will never be another Scuttles and I can’t imagine ever bonding with another rat like this, or having another rat take to me as much as he did, although I do intend to get another rat as soon as I can. At least for Ratsy’s sake. Sorry guinea pigs. You’re cute, cuddly, and you sound neat, but you’re not my favorite rodent anymore. More like number three, with mice as number two, and rats as number one.

The day I realized he was dying, which was two days ago, was the hardest emotionally. I cried and cried so much that my eyes swelled shut and my allergies went crazy on me and I woke up every two hours. Up till I was 25 or so, I could just cry when I needed to cry. Now it seems to have a domino effect on me. Crying causes other problems, so I’ve been trying not to dwell on him too much. If I think of him too much, I burst into tears.

Surprisingly, I slept well today. He was gone when I got up at 4:00. Tom, who says he’ll miss him too, buried him in a special spot I picked out. He’s away from the others, but Ratsy will join him next to him one day. He’s just out front across the wash by the big tree.

Meanwhile, both lady mice are definitely pregnant and should have their babies any day now.

I think I might’ve been boomed awake once or twice, but I can’t say for sure. It could’ve been some other sound or a dream, but I was back asleep in less than a second. Today I slept till 3:00. The flipping’s going slow. It’s hard now that I’m not used to this anymore, and I hate it, too! It just isn’t me anymore. I miss the routine of a schedule. I hate trying to stay up, trying to get to bed early enough, trying to beat the clock, hoping I can be available at such and such a time, etc. I also hate going to bed in the bright sunlight, never knowing what sounds may wake me up. I miss going to bed in the dark, with less risk of being woke up.

I’d say Dan’s definitely getting ready to head out of state. He has two trailers that hook to a semi on his property. Tom says he thinks it’s to take some of his truck collection with him, cuz people often want trucks from the southwest cuz their vehicles get damaged by the salty air. He said that’d explain the engine-gunning, too.

So, what’s he gonna do? Buy a handful of shit trucks when he returns and gun those into shape too, for next summer’s trip to Indiana? How many years has he been doing this, I wonder?

Tom’s definitely not lying about having a cold. Although he’s getting better, as he says, you can hear it in his voice and there’s no way he could fake it if he wanted to.

I hope and pray that my worst fears aren’t about to come true. My worst fears pet-wise. Scuttles isn’t acting right. He just seems a little out of it. Quite a coincidence too, seeing how I just had a dream about him dying. I’d be soooo devastated to lose this rat! Never have I loved a pet like I love Scuttles. Maybe he’s OK, though. Maybe he’s just tired. God, I hope that’s all it is! I never want to lose him, although I know I have to someday. Just not so soon, God, please? Not so soon.

Never before have I had such a craving for different foods than the usual mashed potatoes, chicken and salad. I want a week off from the same old, same old. I’ll never lose weight anyway, so why not a box of white powdered donuts, some canned peaches, some spaghetti, and some Grape Nuts cereal? Except for the donuts, this isn’t exactly junk food. Just different stuff. I eat healthy foods, don’t exceed 1500 calories a day, and am still fat, so what the hell? Although I’d look best at around 100 pounds, I may be able to drive my weight down to between 115-120 pounds if the fucking Bowflex would ever get here, but that’d be about it. For now, I’m bouncing between 122-124 pounds.

I’ve had allergy attacks on and off throughout the day. There’s just no knowing what’ll trigger them. It’s a real bitch to live with; never knowing when your nose is going to go on the fritz.

Paula left a message saying she was going to lose her phone because she can’t afford it and says she’ll send a letter. Yeah, I knew she’d lose that phone. Also, she’s moving again like she does every 2-3 months.

It’s been a week since I’ve heard from Dan. I’m not sure if he’s left the state yet, but I don’t think he’s gone two weeks, and definitely not three, without engine gunning. So, if I don’t hear from him by the middle of the month, I guess we can assume he’s gone.

I’ll be going to bed early this morning, and it sucks to know that the military will wake me up several times during my sleep. I don’t know, it just seems like it’s time for that. Time for them to be heard a few times during the day.

My computer has a slight flicker to it, which Tom doesn’t know how to fix. I’ll just live with it for now.

There’s not much left to do with my “spring cleaning” I plan to do every few months. The dolls were the most work. The rest is just cleaning the blinds, tops of doors, doorways, cabinets, and pictures. Places I don’t usually hit regularly.

The child desires have remained backed off, thank God. I feel silly having said I’d use a donor if I ever wanted one again. Yeah, right! As if he’d let me? If he interfered with my getting pregnant naturally, he’d interfere with my getting pregnant the invitro way too, to say nothing of the divine interference I’d get.

Even if the choice was mine to make, I doubt I’d choose to have a child. I would’ve in a heartbeat in the past, but times have changed. 99% of the time I’m OK with knowing I’ll never have one. I’d rather be curious than have a kid and wish I didn’t.

I sat and thought of the different things I’ve done and gone through in life, both good and bad, and I can’t imagine ever dancing again, even if I was still thin and transportation wasn’t an issue. I could never let myself be used like that again. That is so wrong and so greedy of those cheap club owners to make the dancers support the bouncers, DJs, and bartenders. The owners are obligated to pay their salaries, not the dancers. If I’m gonna work, it’s going to be for me and my husband and not my coworkers.

Later...

Just as I predicted, our brand-new house is already having things break. Tom says it isn’t broken, but nonetheless, our garbage disposal shouldn’t have hung up like it did. Tom unplugged it before going to bed and will fix it later. What else is he gonna have to fix? The car? The dishwasher? The washer? Dryer? What? God, leave us alone with the breakage for six months! Just six lousy months, will you?!

Freddie bit Tom when he was holding him the other day. I don’t know why. He’s never bitten me. Not yet, anyway.

My schedule’s slowly, but surely flipping. I slept from 7:30 to 4:30, but not without a million interruptions. Not due to the military, but due to a series of weird dreams. In one of them, a couple of boys who might’ve been in their late teens were trying to break into the retreat window. I could hear them talking and see their shadows through the white blinds. I got up out of bed and got dressed, planning to go out the front door and run around to the back and surprise them, but woke up before I could get out of the house.

When the Bowflex isn’t here by Thursday or Friday like it should be, Tom will call to find out what the next problem is. I just hope it isn’t the references. I had to guess Kim’s number and address since I can’t find it, and Paula’s losing her phone. Well, if worse comes to worst, we can use Steven and Dennis as references. They used us, so we’ll use them if we have to.

Dan hasn’t left the state yet. I’m not surprised. I think he’ll leave closer to May. The reason I know this isn’t because of the engine-gunning, but because I could see lights on in his place earlier. There’s a chance he could have lights set on a timer to light the place up at night while he’s gone, but I doubt that.

The series The Others is already over. Isn’t that pitiful? They used to make hundreds of shows per series back before the late 80s. What is this with only making 10-20 episodes per series? Everything on TV is repeats, repeats, repeats!

Dusting 33 dolls was a much bigger task than I thought it’d be. It seemed to take me forever, and there’s still more work to be done. Every few months I’m doing the cleaning that I don’t regularly do weekly, like the tops of the kitchen cabinets, and shit like that.

Tom has one of his famous colds. I knew it, too. I just knew it. Last weekend I told him I didn’t want to have sex. Well, normally, he “gets me back,” so to speak. He goes and does the same thing to me and comes up with a reason himself to get out of sex. I swear that just the other day I said to myself - no sex again this weekend, cuz you know he’ll have some kind of excuse to not screw cuz you wouldn’t last weekend. Then sure enough, here he is telling me today he has a cold. Is he lying? I don’t know. Although his timing is quite a coincidence, he is due for a cold, and he says everyone else on his shift is sick. He can’t go more than 3-4 months without a cold, but the good thing about it is that I know I won’t get it. If I caught colds as easily as I used to back east, look how often I’d have to go down with him and get sick, too!

Anyway, I know I should probably be sad about this, but I no longer have any desire for sex with him. If I knew we’d never screw again, I’d be perfectly OK with it. It’s for two reasons. One is that I’m sick of it, cuz it’s not new and exciting anymore. Two is because of all the lies, manipulations, and controlling he’s done in bed all these years to ensure I never got pregnant (with the exception of the 15 times or so that he dared to squirt in the “right” time frame. Yeah, after I’d convinced him I was psychic and that one of the things I saw was that I’d never have a child). I know I could never get pregnant, and I know I don’t want a kid and its burdens and responsibilities, but I don’t think I could ever forgive him for what he’s done/does in bed. It was/is totally wrong of him, and more so, it’s unnecessary. He need not worry about a baby that cannot be made, and this tells me that it’s more than just fear of pregnancy. It’s his stubbornness and his desire to be in charge of the sex and what happens with it. He wishes I was deprived and unhappy with it. When I used to be, he was amused by it. I know he was. It was obvious. Any idiot could see so no matter how much he’d deny it. Well, I’m pretty much permanently turned off and I don’t think anything can be done to rekindle my desire. We can’t make it new and exciting again, and even if he lost his fears and decided to show me how good I am in bed like he says I am, I still don’t see how my desire would be rekindled. I love the man to death outside of bed and look forward to being with him forever, but he’s old, dead news bed-wise. I’ll take my fantasies over him and his dry dick any day.

Last night was his last night at work. He goes in Monday morning at 6:00 and has to leave here at 5:00 and get up at 4:00. The night shift gave him a “good-bye and good luck” card that they all signed and a cake. He brought me home a piece.

I finally got to start printing again and began printing out pictures for Dureen and Art, but the fucking cartridge was defective. Yeah, I know. I just had to be the one to get the damn defect, too. I did get Dureen and Art’s letter printed out, and the 40 or so pictures that I printed, which are a bit grainy and blurry (the ink leaked) will go to Paula. I’ll enclose a few with each of my regular letters to her. Anyway, I’m beginning to wonder if something up there doesn’t want me printing these letters/pictures to Dureen, Art and Tammy.

I shortened the rat’s cages. I was sick of popping off their shelves, which they’d piss all over, and have their shit and piss go flying onto the walls and carpet, so I shortened their cage and left them with just their tubes. That’s all they really need.