Yesterday was Tom’s 44th birthday. We went to the dentist first, but I ended up not being seen. The waiting room wasn’t crowded, and it seemed like a nice place, but we didn’t like the way they handled things. They told us we needed to pay $62 for a certain set of X-rays our insurance wouldn’t cover. They should’ve told us this up front. Also, what’s the point in having insurance if we have to pay for this and pay for that? So, Tom’s going to check into another dentist for me.

On the way there, there was a pig in front of us who turned into the Maricopa substation where I report without bothering to turn his signal on. Yeah, you fucking pig. Break the laws, why don’t you?! Then, after you’ve practiced what you preach, go out and arrest others for doing the same damn thing. Fucking mother-fuckers! I hate pigs!

So, we had like 4.5 hours to kill.

We went to Fry’s electronics store and ended up getting a refurbished printer. It’s great. It’s a Canon, rather than an Epson. It’s faster and it has separate compartments for each color. The printing quality is about the same, though.

We checked out an awesome pet store with a great selection of all kinds of animals – rodents, rabbits, birds, dogs, lizards and snakes. I even held a snake for the first time. It felt kind of weird. They had some reptiles I’d never even heard of. Some weird frogs and lizards.

They also had a great selection of cages and accessories, and Tom and I agreed to get this perfect rat cage we saw as soon as we could. The bars are a little closer, so smaller rats can’t climb out, and it’s got wire shelves instead of plastic Snap-On ones. I hate the plastic ones because they piss all over them, and when I go to pop them off, piss goes flying everywhere. I definitely got a $160 waste here, but I’ll keep it in the dining area corner for Little Buddy to play in when he’s out running around. It can be like a playroom for him. This cage is a little over $100. Not quite as tall as this one when it’s fully set up, but taller than when it’s partially set up. It’s a little wider but not as deep. It’s about 4’ tall.

We also went to Dairy Queen and slowly and leisurely had blizzards. His was chocolate chip cookie dough and mine was M&M’s candy.

Our last couple of stops were to Circle K and then to Helen’s. Helen reminded me that I showed signs of strength and perseverance when it came to being in that jail. Yeah, I’m still amazed I survived 6 months of jail! Especially county time. I had told her that it bothered me to be forced to cower down to Nancy’s threats to keep my visitation and commissary, but she said that that was being strong. Well, I didn’t feel very strong that night, but I get her point.

We talked about the pros and cons the whole ordeal has had on me.

She said she’s almost done with reading November and looks forward to reading more, which she promises not to share with Scot. Speaking of which, I decided to get April, the most important month to me, typed up before I do March. I decided to skip to April just in case they do decide to storm this place and take the drafts so they can feel powerful and proud of themselves for knowing they controlled someone else and their stuff. I doubt it’ll happen, but you know how paranoid this whole ordeal has made me! You never do know when it comes to those in law enforcement.

I quit my Theo, which was causing me to have a hard time sleeping. Now the only hard part is getting up after 6-8 hours of sleep. My body wants to sleep 9-11 hours, it’s ridiculous. I don’t know why I need so much sleep. Not every day, but more days than not, I could sleep that long. Tomorrow I have to get up early cuz the black bitch said so, pick up bottles, go grocery shopping, then Sunday I’ll sleep in.

The lights have been on late the last couple of nights at Dan’s, but I haven’t heard or seen anyone.

Tom and I decided it wouldn’t be good to dump the extra mice outdoors in case enough of them survive to multiply like hell and cause us to become overrun with them. Tonight I’m going to pick a pair for breeding and separate them until and if I notice the female’s pregnant. As soon as I see she is, I’ll put her back with the females and him back with the males.

Scot could show up any sec. In the meantime, I thought I’d jot down some ideas.

I decided it might be best to let all the mice live together. That way, it’s easier to do a variety of different cage setups. It might be neat to just let them breed naturally, then once we start getting too many babies, we can give the ones we like the least as feed for the outdoor animals. I’ll see what Tom’s opinion of this is, but I doubt he’ll like it. I think he’d prefer to keep the males separate from the females and to breed selectively.

Meanwhile, I’m still going to go ahead with what we agreed on as far as pairing up a white and black mouse for breeding this weekend.

There were no lights on at Dan’s at all last night. This confuses me all the more. There have been enough lights for enough days in a row to tell me someone’s living there, but then why would they not be there last night?

Every now and then Tom brings home Jolly Rancher hard candies when he has meetings where people have them. They’re the kind I’d get in jail.

I’m expecting Scot to be here any minute. He could be, anyway, if he stuck to last week’s pattern. Besides, he said he was planning on stopping out a couple of times a month, so he’s only got 5 more days in which to do it. Actually, he’s got 4. I don’t think he makes house calls on weekends. I expect him tomorrow or Friday if he doesn’t show up today. Probably not Thursday because he should know I see Helen that day.

None of the babies from the second batch ended up making it. This weekend, I’m going to pair up a couple from the first batch. A white one with a dark brown one.

Teddy Bear, are you in M Dorm right now? I miss you! God, do I ever!

The monsoons have hit early this year. They usually don’t show up till early August, but here they are, and it’s only late June. It’s cloudy and humid. Not too stormy yet, though. Besides clouds and humidity, all we really have is some rain and wind. Not steady or heavy rain, though. The fierce winds that knock the power out haven’t arrived yet when we get there’s tons of thunder, lightning and rain.

Had a little freeloader-related stress this morning, but what else is new? There’ll be anxiety and paranoia connected to them for many years to come. Maybe even as long as I live.

I woke up with one of my funny feelings. I was reluctant to get up, but I finally pulled myself up out of bed saying to myself – let’s see what problems the freeloaders have made for me today. Sure enough, there was a message from Scot saying he and Helen talked about my case, and Helen gave him some information he needed to talk to me about. My first thought was that something in the journal bothered him (I sure hope Helen hasn’t given him a copy of that). I’m always paranoid about being accused of making some bogus threat, or that they’re going to come in here and take my journal drafts before I can get them typed up. However, all it turned out to be about was my needing to see someone else for the mental health screening which Helen’s going to recommend me to. Hopefully, our insurance will cover it and I’ll only have to see them once.

Last night Dan’s place was lit up Dan-style. Tonight, though, it’s dark. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were her and she just happened to have the last 3 nights off, last night as being part of the new week, and isn’t there now because she’s usually in M Dorm on Mondays? I wish! She wouldn’t keep his name on the mailbox if it were her.

Someone’s definitely living in Dan’s now. There were about 3 lights on last night and one of them was turned off just after 10:00. Well, unless she had the night off, it wasn’t Teddy Bear. I think it’s Dan. Especially if his last name, Dadlow, is still on the mailbox. I think that at the same time he bought a new house, he bought a new vehicle and that’s why it’s been quiet as far as engine gunning goes, along with the fact that it’s a bit hot to sit outside gunning engines. I think it’s been quiet music-wise because it’s been too hot to open the windows to let others hear it. I think he sold his Indiana house and that’s why he’s here at this time of year. It’s certainly too quiet to be freeloaders and I don’t see how they could afford a new home, anyway, even if this is one of the smallest and probably cheapest models they have. It’s no doubt a cookie-cutter that was used as a model on display in their lot in the center of town. I’m sure he bought the new house with the money from the sale of his Indiana place. I’ll have to look for patterns to get a sense of when the lights go out and how often.

Last night I was missing my other love, my second love, so bad I was nearly in tears. Hour after hour, day after day, this woman is on my mind. I can’t get her off of it! Although it’s a wonderful feeling falling in love with someone, a part of me wishes it never happened. It’d be easier if it hadn’t, but it did, so obviously it was meant to be. Sorry, Teddy Bear! I didn’t mean to fall for you. You were only supposed to turn me on, not steal my heart! I just don’t know what it is with her. If my type’s usually feminine and Spanish, Indian, Asian, and even Italian in some cases, then what is it with this dyky, 5’ 10”, 200-pound redhead with acne? I guess it’s just her winning personality, I don’t know. All I know is I miss her, and – ich liebe dich, Teddy Bear!

One by one the babies from batch number 2 are dying. I guess that because the Gray Lady’s in such shit shape, that’s why the babies aren’t making it. There started off with 9 babies and now there’s only 1 left.

Later…

It’s Dan. It has to be. No, I don’t hear any music or engine gunning, but the lighting patterns are a dead giveaway. Quite often, after the sun set and the temperature cooled down a bit, he’d have his back door open and the carport all lit up. The fact that he never had the old place hauled away tells me it’s him too, along with the fact that there was never a ‘sold’ sign and that his name remained on the box. He’s better than blacks or Mexicans, but I’d have preferred my Teddy Bear! Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe she’ll still want to eventually move into this area if she doesn’t before I see her again, and she can live on this land. Wouldn’t that be convenient?! Seems too good to be true, though. I just can’t see it. But that’s what I said about other things, and as I’ve learned - sometimes the things we fantasize about really do become a reality! It just sucks that I have to wait another 310 days to find out for sure just what happens next!

Woke up at 114 pounds today, the lowest I’ve been since coming home. About 5 days ago, all of a sudden and quite miraculously, I quit being hungry all the time. I’m stuck for it, though, and I know I’ll be back to around 120. I always end up back there.

I was thinking about Tom and our relationship. Again, the love continues to grow with time, but it’s just not new and exciting like it would be with Teddy Bear till she too, was no longer new and exciting. I want to explore new horizons with Teddy Bear, but I don’t want to give up what’s comfortable. Meaning I don’t have to worry about explaining myself to Teddy Bear so she knows and understands me or having to deal with things like my not being able to sleep with her. But with Tom, he knows I can’t sleep with him, is OK with it, and as far as I’m concerned – why should I give up someone who accepts me as I am and who knows/understands me inside and out? The good thing about having Teddy Bear as a side dish and not full-time is that it’ll keep things special for longer. If we saw each other every day and even lived with each other, then the flame would die faster.

I wonder, though, just how accurate are my vibes/logic as far as what the future holds for her and me. Will we really ever even see each other again? Will it be intimate? Will she be OK with it? Could I be wrong about assuming she couldn’t fall in love with me and wouldn’t want me full-time anyway? I know I’ve been wrong before, but so far, she seems so accepting of me and my life as it is that I think she’ll be OK with it. It’s not like she didn’t know about Tom up front. If he was a problem for her, I doubt she’d have shown any interest in me back, after I let her know I was interested in her.

Because my printer’s out of ink, and because Tom hasn’t picked up the new printer he mentioned getting that’s refurbished and supposedly more efficient, he hooked an old dot matrix up to my computer that Mary had given him.

I hope Helen’s contacted Scot some way or another.

It’s actually a bit stormy out there. So far, all we got are clouds and gusts of wind. No rain yet. There’s some heat lightning too, but not the big lightning bolts you get with the monsoon season I’m looking way forward to.

First the kitchen sink starts leaking, then my toilet handle breaks, and now the bottom kitchen drawer’s broken. New shit like that in houses this young don’t do that. They just don’t do that! Old curses really never die. It’s too bad I’m a woman of change, adventure and variety, cuz some things just never change.

Well, we didn’t screw, but we did do some things. He gave me a nice long back rub and went down on me at my asking him to. He had to stop, though, cuz his jaw got achy after not doing this in so long. I’m just grateful for these 3 things: that I don’t want a kid, that I don’t care if he doesn’t cum, and that I don’t desire him like crazy since we rarely have sex anyway. It’s Teddy Bear I’ve been desiring. It’s not that Tom’s bad in bed. He made me feel really good today, as a matter of fact. It’s just not new anymore. I need a change thrown in every now and then for variety.

Little Buddy was getting to be a real Houdini there, so once again, I popped off the wire top and made a roof with the plastic shelves. The edges of the wire roof were a bit bigger, enabling him to squeeze through them, so this is why I have solid shelves there now.

Tomorrow’s the day Tom said we had a “date,” although we may not necessarily screw, as he said. If this sounds cold – I don’t care, but I don’t want to screw him. I want Teddy Bear to go down on me.

Got a visit from Scot today. I figured he’d come this week while he thought Tom was out. He came at 2:30. It’s 8:00 now and Tom’s still at work. They’ve been jostling his hours around lately.

For some reason, I was a bit nervous about Scot’s visit and he left a bad vibe lingering in the air. I’m still paranoid, and hopefully just paranoid, that I’m either going to get framed for something else I didn’t do, ordered to lose control of my body by being ordered to be drugged up by shrinks, have our house ransacked, and God knows what else. I’m still worried about this job issue, too. It’s only a matter of time before he presses that issue, and believe me, the guy’s a stickler for following rules. He made it very clear to me how much he needs me to do what the court’s ordered to “cover his butt” (like it needs covering – right!) and see that I don’t get in trouble. He needs it in writing from Helen whether or not she thinks I need further mental health treatment or meds. They took my freedom, but they aren’t getting my body, too. No way are they going to force me to take drugs and I don’t care what any court says. Even I have to put my foot down at times and have a little say in my own life/body.

A part of me still has a nagging feeling that says we’re stupid to stick around, but you know Tom – always eager to do the right thing. Yeah well, what do you do when you cooperate with the law, but it doesn’t cooperate with you? No normal human being could go through what I went through without being skeptical and paranoid of anyone connected to law enforcement. Until and if proven different, anyone in the system is a potential enemy as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, as I said. This is standard procedure he’s following, so I shouldn’t assume that just because unfair things have already happened they’re going to want to dope me up, too. And I still intend to put my foot down when the job issue is brought up. I did mention writing a book, but he didn’t comment or question it. I said this as we were entering my office.

Anyway, since I couldn’t get through to Helen (her area code changed) I left Tom a message at work. He later called to tell me he left Helen a message. She needs to step on it before I get thrown back in jail on account of her. She should’ve gotten the mail to Scot by now. So Tom told her what was needed and all I can do is hope for the best. It wouldn’t be fair for me to have to go to jail because of her, but I know not to pray to God for help on that one. Not in his grand unfair world so obviously designed to be the way it is!

Anyway, Scot came in with one of those fucking forms for me to fill out regarding general info. He saw most of the house, minus the retreat and closets. This stupid idiot put the stubborn bottles in the pail and he got the wrong idea for a minute there or at least a little suspicious. As much as I hate to have to explain myself to anybody, I told him that I don’t bother with bottles with stubborn labels that just won’t come off. I’ll be sure never to put the bad bottles there again, though!

One of the things that made me nervous about his visit, though I did my best to hide it, was his own nervousness. Or so it seemed, anyway. He seemed very antsy and like he couldn’t stand to look me in the eye. I don’t know if I was intimidating him in any way, if he was just nervous about being in a stranger’s house he’s never been in before, or if he was hiding something. His reassuring me that he was just trying to keep me out of trouble was rather unnerving to me. I learned that it’s those who say stuff like that and tell me everything’s going to be OK that turn out to be liars.

The Gray Lady had 9 babies today and one was stillborn. It doesn’t look like she or the babies are going to make it, though. The Gray Lady’s very weak. I guess having so many babies has taken its toll on her. She hasn’t been nursing, either, but she is in the process of building them a nest, so we’ll see.

We sexed and segregated the bigger babies yesterday. It turns out that there are 6 girls and 6 boys. We both got bit by the same mouse too, but Tom got it worse cuz he was bleeding. Just a little pinhole of blood, though.

I miss my Teddy Bear so much! I didn’t know it’d be so hard at times! Sometimes I just want to cry, I miss her so much. I can’t get her off my mind. I think of her for hours every day. Guess I really fell in love with the woman as well as in lust with her. I hope she’s missing me just as much, but somehow, I doubt that. Wouldn’t she have broken down and called if she did?

Mary and I swap emails occasionally. I had sent her a picture of the first batch of pinkies. She told me a little about Ma’s trip (she’s back home now).

Geneva gave us a puzzle I don’t think I want to do. It’s some kind of maze that you have to hope to assemble correctly since all the pieces fit. I don’t think I want anything that challenging. Takes the fun out of it.

I called and left a message for Gina, letting her know we dropped off 68 bottles and picked up a bunch more. She was out at the time we made the pickup. I’ve got a running total of 533 bottles so far. I also asked her to call me if she knew of any home jobs. As I figured would be the case, I never heard from her.

There was a light on in back of Dan’s house last night that was turned off late in the night, but I’m still not sure if anyone’s actually living there yet. Tom saw people over there today but said they just looked like workers. What’s taking them so long to set the place up? It’s too quiet to be Dan living there, and this is the time of year he’s supposed to be in Indiana, but it’s got to be Dan who’s still the owner, cuz his name’s still on the mailbox. Wouldn’t new owners have changed that by now?

We had fun Friday night. We left here around 6:00 and went to the bookstore and got ourselves lots of books, using our old ones for credit.

Then we went to Walgreens. I got myself another sports bra and 5 lipsticks. Two look good, one looks OK, and two don’t look good at all. At least they were cheap.

Our last stop was Red Lobster. My lobster was so good!

Today’s our 7th anniversary! We’ll be going to Red Lobster, Walgreens, the grocery store, and the bookstore, too. It’s so nice going places that aren’t freeloader-related!

Last night the carport was all lit up at Dan’s, but I checked from 8 PM till after midnight, and there were never any house lights on. Tom said he thinks the workers left it on. But why would they need light in the daytime? It appears they’re not going to haul away the old trailer. I hope they don’t hook electricity and plumbing up to it and divide/sell the acreage. We have enough houses here as it is, and we’re still one day bound to find two more houses in back, and God knows how many to the east and north of us.

Saw Helen yesterday. It was good to see her. I gave her the first half of the sentence and told her I was typing up the second half. I gave her the highlights, and she let me know that yes, the reason she hadn’t called Scot back yet was that she was waiting for me to sign a release of information form, which I did. He sent her more than I thought he would and more than seems necessary. Things like my terms of probation. How are my terms that don’t relate to therapy relevant to Helen? And Helen said something about him wanting to know what we talk about. At first I thought to myself – it’s none of his business what we talk about, this is confidential, but then again, do I really care? No. What we discuss is really no big secret; I was falsely accused by the pigs and my perpetrators of sending something I didn’t, and even if I did, the sentence I got for it was ludicrous. I already told him this. She can record our talks and play it for him for all I care. I won’t be saying anything to Helen I wouldn’t say to Tom, Scot, the freeloaders, and their connections.

Little Buddy, my rat that thinks he’s a dog, busted loose last night after I ignored his begging to come out and went into my office. A few minutes later, he came waltzing into my office to join me there. It doesn’t look like escaping will be a major problem like it was with Houdini, though.

Yesterday I received a very nice letter from Mary, saying she’s ecstatic to know I’m willing to write her story for her, calling me her lifesaver and saying how glad she is to have found me for a friend. Well, she’s going to write it, I guess, and I’m going to type it. I just wish her handwriting wasn’t so hard to read! She thought the journal excerpts from when we were cellies and she told Palma I had a crush on her were fabulous. She said she’s so unsure about how to go about having the book done that she wants done, even if it’ll help just one person. Just one person, she says. I understand. I mean, it makes perfect sense to me. Anyway, Tom and I agreed that the best place to start is by her sending me what she wants typed. My only concern is how to get it out there once it’s typed up. As we learned, publishing is no simple task. One step at a time, though – let’s get the story typed up.

In her first letter to me, she said she wanted it to be about Gretchen, but this time around she said she wants to start by telling the story of her life, and all about how her father abused her mother when she was carrying her. She said the doctors told her to abort her, saying the damage was so bad she was sure to lose her. Doctors always try to encourage women to have abortions or tell them they can’t have any more kids and try to prepare them for the worst possible case scenario. That way they feel they aren’t getting the woman’s hopes up.

She said she’s already written several clips of her life, but sent them home to family, which she says she could have sent to me.

Mary closes part one of her letter (there’s another envelope coming) by saying she understands the terms of my probation and that if there’s anything I don’t want to say in a letter, I can call her aunt, whose number she gave me.

Again, I’m not going to write to her weekly like I do with Paula, but I’m not going to turn my back on her, either. And I don’t care what Scot says, should I bring it up to him, but so far, Scot seems pretty cool. I think he’d be willing to work with me on this, but like I said, I’m going to write Mary’s story for her with or without his cooperation. She’s my friend and no one’s going to tell me we can’t be friends.

It’s Monday. Teddy Bear, are you in M? I miss you! Do you miss me, too? I hope so.

Tom and I are definitely done with sex, but I’m OK with it. I simply haven’t enjoyed it for years.

The babies are getting pretty active and independent.

The freeloaders just seized control of my bladder, which means I can’t pee till I get to Scot’s and see if he wants me to put on any piss shows. We’re going to leave in an hour.

Depending on how early he gets out of work on Friday the 15th, our 7th anniversary, we might go to Red Lobster. That’s the day they’ll start booming again too, if they stick to last year’s schedule, so keeping a schedule will be even easier. I allow myself one day off a week, usually a Saturday or a Sunday, where my schedule doesn’t revolve around the freeloaders, and I catch up on my sleep. By then I usually need 10-11 hours, after sleeping less than 8 hours a night for a week.

Later...

No piss test today. Just quickly saw Scot in a little courtroom you’d never think existed in such a tiny town that’s not even incorporated. But, with the way Arizona goes after so many people for the dumbest things, I guess they’d need it.

I asked him how the wedding was. He said it was good. Especially since he wasn’t the one getting married. He said he’d try to make it out to the house this month, but with the warrant team he’s on, he’s been busy (he’s like a bounty hunter, going after those that skip).

So for now, once again my bladder belongs to me, and so does my sleep. Tomorrow I’m sleeping in.

I miss my Teddy Bear!

I was supposed to go to the new dentist today, but it got rescheduled to Tom’s birthday. That’s two appointments I’ll have that day. The dentist and Helen.

The babies are starting to crawl and The Gray Lady’s obviously pregnant again. As soon as they’re born, I’ll pull the males from the first batch, along with Brownie and Skunkhead.

No piss test was required on the 1st when we went to check in with Scot in Maricopa, but this is only because he wasn’t there. Some guy was filling in for him while he was at a wedding. We were in and out really fast.

Instead of dropping off the bottles I’d done at the recycling center, we dropped them off at this guy’s place on our way to the recycling center. That way the guy doesn’t have to go pick them up. Then we picked up over 200 bottles, which is good because Tom has to work this Saturday and might not be able to take me in to get any. Now that I know they don’t check the bottles, I don’t worry about being such a perfectionist. Some of those labels just won’t come off all the way no matter how long and hard I scrub! Others fall right off. I’m keeping a running total on the computer. I’ve done 232 so far.

Not that I’m complaining but both last weekend and this weekend, Tom never hit me for sex. Last weekend, out of curiosity, I asked him what made him change his mind. He said he didn’t, but that he had a lot of work to do and that I didn’t seem interested. True, but I don’t think he was interested either. It’s Teddy Bear I want sexually. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I love Tom dearly but am sick to death of sex with him and I have been for years. I love him more and more each year, and as long as I know he loves me, we don’t need to have sex. Meanwhile, Teddy Bear will be my playmate till I get sick of sex with her, too. How do I know it’ll turn sexual with us? I just do. It’s inevitable.