Right now, one year ago, I woke up gagging on cigarette smoke with my heart racing with anxiety, so sure we’d lost the house.

But this year I’m waiting for my loving husband to return from dumping the pigs off at the pet store and picking up groceries.

And this year I have a better rat. One who’s so dog-like. He’s not only playful with me, but he follows me around the house and jumps up on the couch to sit next to me.

Something up there does not want me to stop breeding mice. It wants me to breed lots of them continuously. And because of this I now have a cage full of knock-ups. A few of those damn males got out and a couple ended up in with the ladies. I was within seconds of just throwing them all together, dumping the babies as they came along, but this time I have them in plastic cages only. Ain’t no way they’re getting out. Still, I’m going to be overrun with mice if I don’t dump some of the forthcoming babies. I’ll dump the boring ones. That’s what I’ve been doing as soon as their fur sprouts and I can tell what they’re going to look like. I don’t want to breed till next spring, because I don’t want to give Teddy Bear mice that are already 6 months to a year old.

Well, this day one year ago was not a good day, to say the least. Remember, freeloaders? Yeah, I’m sure you do!

Ratsy’s been dead a year now, and yesterday, one year ago, would be the last time I’d have “blanket parties” with Houdini. But this year I have an even better rat!

So, what will I be doing this October 30th? I’ll be enjoying a leisurely day at home just like I should’ve one year ago, and in half a year I’ll see my Teddy Bear, the one blessing this curse has brought me. At least all this shit went down after I got Doe, Art, Tammy and Larry out of the picture. Imagine having to deal with them on top of all the other shit I was going through? Ugh!

I’m finishing up ripping CDs, then I’ll finish proofing the bear’s copy of the jailhouse journal, and then it’s on to the autobiography. I just haven’t decided yet how detailed I’m going to have it be. Probably not too detailed. The purpose, after all, is to condense the journals, so I don’t want it to be too big of a thing.

The baby pigs are going tomorrow, but I don’t know if they’re going to Casa Grande or Phoenix. I’m looking forward to their departure. It’ll be a bit less stinky in here (although they’ve been in Tom’s room these last few days) and that’ll be three fewer mouths to feed and one less cage to change. That is if I keep Teddy Bear with the mice. I haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow I’m also going to do what the freeloaders kept me from doing last year. Now that Tom’s got the area around the house cleaned up (there had been all kinds of junk strewn everywhere) I’m going to do the little odds and ends. There’s a can, for example, that’s been embedded in the far side of the wash ever since we bought this land. Little things like that will be taken care of.

I don’t know what Tom’s obsession with trashing things, having tons of clutter, and being disorganized is, but he better not retrash this property!

He got a good shot of a scorpion yesterday. This one was greenish in color.

Just 180 days away from my Teddy Bear! Or at least till I can send the letter. Even that’s an eternity. I should know. Yes, my feelings were teetering on the edge of love. It definitely wasn’t just lust and gratitude I was feeling!

Right after I suggested the possibility of it with Tom saying they wouldn’t, work called and left a message. The stupid, incompetent idiots were bugging him about something or another, but Tom ignored them. “Hey, I’m on vacation,” he said.

I’ve been “ripping” CDs, which means extracting the tracks I want from my CDs and making them wave files rather than MP3s. That way they’ll sound better. These are for condensing my CDs, though with the way they have MP3s nowadays, I should never live long enough to fill up the 200 CD changer I’m getting.

Tom’s Ida research turned up exactly what I assumed it would. She’s in on a probation violation. What I don’t get is why she lied. I mean, I can see her not wanting to discuss her charges, but why lie and say she’s never been in jail/prison before and that she had no probation when she got out? I don’t understand the big deal. Did she think I’d be like - oh, my God! Did she think I’d freak out with shock?

I asked Tom if he thought the freeloaders didn’t sue cuz they didn’t know they could, or if they thought for some reason that they’d lose. Tom said he thinks they thought they couldn’t get something from me since it was me they were after. But the house, land, and car aren’t in my name. Well, it’s a damn good thing they didn’t realize that going after him would be the same as going after me cuz if they’d have sued him, they’d have garnished his paycheck and we’d have no place to live, no way to eat, no way to survive. And I know they would’ve won. There’d never have been a question of that.

Congratulations, blacks! You made another die-hard racist! They’re so fucking sensitive to being hated, too (though what do they expect with the way they treat people?). Deanna was a prime example of that, what with the way she came to the door after I moved in with Ida, demanding to know if I had anything against her for being black.

So what if I did? Why does it matter so much? Why is being liked so damn important to blacks? Are they that insecure? Perhaps this is just me, but when someone doesn’t like me, I just ignore them (when they’ll allow me to). I don’t “get them” for it and I don’t go out of my way to convince them they shouldn’t hate me. You can make people hate you, but you can’t make people like/love you.

Tom’s officially on vacation now.

Anyway, I’ve been gathering MP3s and Tom’s going to rip my CDs so I can condense them. I’ll burn them in alphabetical order by artist, rather than by title.

Frosty the mouse escaped again today, but Tom and I caught him.

All 3 baby pigs are going to be going next Wednesday. One pig’s enough. Tom said he’s considering taking them to this little pet store in Casa Grande. He thinks we may have a better shot at doing business with them being a small place, rather than some big chain.

I’m going to have Teddy Bear in a big tank, the males or females in the other big tank, and males or females in the small tank with the plastic cage on top. I’ll put any bullies in with Teddy Bear till they chill out. I’ve found that sometimes all I need to do is separate mice that fight for a short while and that’ll calm them down.

I finally heard from Mary, who’s by herself in our old room. Nancy left for prison. I was glad to read that it’ll only be for 3 years, which means she’ll probably only do about 1, but was utterly stunned to hear she’ll have a lifetime of probation. Yeah, that’s Arizona for you. Imagine having to report to your PO twice a month forever. Ugh! I’d abscond for damn sure!

She’s been under a lot of stress. She answered some of my questions, but not all of them. She said she really appreciated the thing I sent her from Helen on letting good things happen. She says if I have any more self-help tips on positive thinking, etc., send them her way.

I totally sympathized with her when she told me she was burning up there. The AC’s been broken and she’s sweating her ass off. The cell she’s in is the warmest one there too, but at least it’ll be cooling down soon. When I got up at 5:30 this afternoon, it was 84° in the house. Tom’s got to start remembering to turn the AC on once it hits 82°. I was like - can’t you feel the heat?

Anyway, she said she put in a grievance for high-powered fans before someone has a heat stroke, but of course, there’s no way she’ll get that.

Then, sounding like someone with quite a crush on me, all the while saying she feels like we’re “sisters,” she went on and on to praise me and say that after being quiet for a while and just putting up with it, she stuck up for me when people would talk shit about me, telling them I had a heart, was beautiful, talented, etc. (I assume she was referring to when Myra, Mindy and Peaches were giving me shit through the vents). Not that I could care less about what other inmates think of me, but that’s very sweet of her. Her crush is kind of cute and funny, too. It’s not like she’s some mean, ugly, pushy butch. I just don’t know how I could’ve been so blind to it for so long! Being blind to Palma and Teddy Bear for so long was one thing, but I saw Mary every day for 4 months, and she was right under my nose for 9 days!

As for Teddy Bear, she wracked her brains and could swear there was no ring, and she says the bear’s hardly worked there since I left! Could it be because it saddens her to work there? Hmm… not even Palma’s been there in the half a year I’ve been out, or else she’d have told me about it. Even that one’s hard to believe, and she and I certainly weren’t as tight as the bear and I were. Again, I have a feeling I’m connected somehow to Palma’s long absence.

She said she was shocked when she learned it was the bear I love, but after she stopped and studied her, she said she could understand, saying she’s sweet and innocent, yet very strong and intelligent. She said she couldn’t tell me if her weight’s changed or how long her hair is because it’s been that long.

Her own hair, though, is below the middle of her back. Finally. Her hair grows so slowly. She’s also gained weight and is 127 pounds. I’m sure she looks better now than she did when I last saw her. She was too thin when I left. She’s not even 10 pounds heavier than me. But 127 is suitable for her height of about 5’ 3” whereas 120 on a 5-footer is too much. When pulled straight, my hair’s a couple of inches above the crack of my ass.

She told me her 7-year-old son sees her on weekends.

She never did tell me if she slipped Ida my note, so I’ll have to ask her about that.

We finally got the satellite hooked up. In fact, I’m listening to a few of my recent downloads to make sure they don’t skip and are complete. I already burned 2 CDs. I’ve got about 60 songs so far. Some songs I just can’t find and a lot of the time the sites are busy. That’s because most people can’t send more than one thing at a time.

It’s so awesome having the record store always at your fingertips!

Well, if we make it to November without heat, and it looks like we will, this will be the first time in my life I ever went that long without heat. It’s mainly because this house is so well-insulated. We’d need heat at night in the Phoenix house. At least I would.

We finally trapped and freed mouse number 4. For a few days, it kept escaping the trap before its door could close all the way.

I just brought Little Buddy home. Unlike my other rats, he doesn’t go home when he’s done exploring, cuz he’s never done.

We still haven’t gotten this software in the mail we’re supposed to get for the satellite. I knew there was a catch as to why it was so cheap. Once again, paying money for something is never enough in God’s eyes. There always has to be some glitch attached to us getting anything, and the less money we do pay, the more we’re compensated. Look what I had to go through on account of those freeloaders to get my Teddy Bear! According to Tom, it’s supposed to be up and running tomorrow just like it was supposed to be last Monday, but I don’t see it.

I’m really looking forward to doing an autobiography. I’m going to need to do something anyway, or else I’ll be bored shitless. Sometimes it’s better to write about an experience after it happens rather than during it because then you have all the facts. It’s like how I thought I was in for the journals during the first part of my sentence. I didn’t find out till the end that it was for this letter. After an event, you have time to sit back and reflect on it, too.

I’m officially done with Paula. I sent her her last letter. I’m not going to write to someone I never hear from, and truthfully, Paula doesn’t suit me nowadays as a friend any more than Andy does. I’ve outgrown her.

Once I couldn’t get my animals to breed and now I can’t get them to stop! The Gray Lady’s pregnant yet again! This is the 5th time. I totally give up. I mean, you just can’t tell males from females till it’s too late. I’m probably going to fuck up sexing the GPs, too. GPs are very hard to sex because their balls rarely show. I think it’d be easier to bring the babies to the pet store. Especially what with the way they stink. Mice and rats stink up the room they’re in, but GPs stink up the whole house.

I didn’t want to lead Tom on or leave him hanging as far as where I stand on the screwing issue goes. I felt it best to be upfront with him, so I let him know - hey, I don’t want to screw. Period. Maybe someday I’ll feel differently, but right now, there’s no sense in not acknowledging how I feel. For some reason, though, he still can’t admit that he feels the same way. When I told him last week that the KY had expired and that I’d go along with him if he decided to pick some up, and he said, “I’ll definitely pick some up,” I knew he was full of shit. No, you won’t, I thought to myself. I just knew he wouldn’t and I still can’t figure out why it’s so hard for him to admit that he too, has no desire to screw. Neither of us would’ve put it off for this long if we were interested. For me, it wasn’t just that I got bored with it, but it became more of a hassle for me, more of a chore. I don’t miss that irritation I’d get, either. But why is it that I can admit to it and he can’t? We’re on the same wavelength here, so, as Helen said, why change what works? Again, it’s not because he’s ugly or bad in any way. I just don’t feel like doing it. That’s all. I don’t want any problems, either.

I threw in 3 funny pieces of BS in Teddy Bear’s copy just to surprise her and to see how closely she reads the story. I think she’ll read it, though.

Anyway, the first throw-in says: Johnson lost her mind one night in the dorms, according to Monday. She found some coke that somebody smuggled in and she said that instead of writing her up for it, she’d make her shine her shoes and she’d keep the coke for herself. So then Johnson went into the corner of the dorm and snorted up a line or two.

The second one says: In other Johnson news, she cracked me up the other night when she worked here. I guess she got really pissed off at Palma and Pancake Face Smith because she lifted them each up off the ground by their ponytails, shook them wildly while she screamed at them, then dropped them to the ground. It was great. They really hit the floor, alright! Then Johnson pled self-defense when the sergeant came, Arajo dragged Palma and Pancake Face Smith out by their necks, and all returned to normal.

The third one says: She said she also lived in Mexico for a year where she had orgies with dozens of women every Friday night.

Tom’s planting radishes, lettuce and wildflowers now that the p-dogs are gone. The rabbits can’t jump over the chicken wire fence.

I just wrote Mary a letter, enclosing pictures and an inspirational thing Helen copied for me about letting good things happen, etc.

Meanwhile, there’s a tractor in back and from the looks of it, I’d say it’s definitely prepping for the last house to come in. It makes no sense for this to be related to the septic or APS. Besides, APS hasn’t even strung wire to the pole they put up. They’re probably waiting till the other house gets set up.

I don’t like this. I just don’t like this. Where there are freeloaders there’s always someone home. Even if one of them is out working, someone’s got to stay home with the dozens of kids they have. I totally don’t like this. There’s going to be trash everywhere and it’s going to be so noisy, but like I said, I knew it was inevitable. I knew that eventually, the peace and quiet would be gone from here. The only difference this time around is that it’s not coming from 3 feet away. But it’ll still be bad enough, as loud as today’s stereos are, both household and car-wise. You can’t tell me that at least one of those households isn’t going to be a regular enough source of noise. I’m not talking about dogs or people; I’m talking about music. I am not looking forward to hearing the thump-thump-thump of the bass every day, or even once or twice a week. But noise goes where I go, and God would never have it any different. There’s no place on land we could go where he’d let me escape freeloaders and their music. But as I learned the hard way, all I can do is live with whatever they give us.

This may be a bit manipulative, but I had an idea. I’ll tell Teddy Bear in my letter to her that I’m not sure what she has for cages, but I’ll just give her one of mine because I want to buy this new cage by Crittertrail that she ought to check out, too. Maybe then she’ll buy it for me. That’d be a good trade-off.

When I told Helen I couldn’t get that woman off my mind, she said it’s basically cuz of the unknown, whereas if she were right in front of me, that’d be different. She thinks what I think, though; that we will have some kind of a relationship.

Helen also believes she won’t send a Christmas card, let alone call me before I contact her next year, because she too, got the impression she was very dedicated to her job (my vibe on her calling at the end of the year completely faded). However, this does not mean she doesn’t miss me too, or think of me a lot, she said.

I hope she’s right about that one. I often wondered that…does she think of me and miss me, too?

Anyway, after discussing with Helen things we’re doing around the house, she said she’d fax Scot a note letting him know she’s done with me, gave me a hug, and said our goodbyes.

One less thing we have to do/pay for on account of the black bitch! Yes, I am slowly but surely wriggling out of their grasp! At least, I sure hope I am!!!

Then God can sic the freeloaders in back on us and find some other source to rob us of our money just as we’re finally getting financial stability once again.

Today Tom wiped out my whole computer and reloaded all the programs I use. It’s supposed to be a good thing to do every year or two. I had to go in and reset my colors and stuff like that. I’m trying out a new wallpaper program too, cuz the old one caused problems.

APS was in back again. Today they put the pole up. That’s quite a little city we’ve got growing back there. I expect the freeloading Mexicans will move in around the 1st. At least by next summer, we won’t be able to see them. Just hear their shit.

The trap was triggered but there was no mouse in it, so we reset it. Sometimes they manage to escape before the door can close.

I’ll be leaving in a couple of hours for my last visit with Helen.

And now Tom’s been here 2 years and I’ve been here 1½ years. The house has another couple of weeks to go before it’s been here 2 years, though.

We got another mouse in the house. I saw it run from the living room and into the bedroom yesterday. I assumed it was in my closet, so I set up the trap in there. However, when I got up this morning, it wasn’t triggered. I’m wondering if perhaps the mouse went back down into the vents and left altogether. I’ve got the trap set up down in the vent, just in case. If I don’t catch anything there, I’ll set it up in the kitchen.

APS was at the rental yesterday. Boy, they really got this place set up fast! It makes me think George already has someone in mind to rent the damn thing, but it won’t be my Teddy Bear, so it doesn’t matter. It’ll be freeloaders cuz I always have to be the one stuck with them.

I finished proofreading my jailhouse journal and am now proofreading Teddy Bear’s copy. Some would say that’s a bit premature, but I know she’s in my future. I just know it. So I know I’m not wasting my time. Also, without any work to do for Mary, my only other project at this point is my “condensed” autobiography, and I like to have more than one project to do at a time. That way, if I get bored with one, I can do the other.

I don’t know if I remembered to write about this, but both the new black female and male mouse we got a couple of weeks ago died. We assumed the lady was killed by the other ladies with the way they were fighting, but the guy died for no apparent reason, telling me they both may’ve been sick. I can’t know for sure at this point.

Next week will be my final letter to Paula until I hear from her again, and even if I do, I’m not going to write her every week or two anymore. She’s just not worth all the postage, and besides, how often do I hear from her?

At the end of Mary’s letter, in a font that looks like handwriting, I wrote: Ida, your little bulldog knows you’re back. Shame on you. I know you’ve been in and out of jail and prison for over a decade for burglary and theft and am glad we never got together. Who knows what you may’ve stolen from us?

Then I asked Mary to slip it to Ida when she wasn’t looking, without letting her know that she and I are in touch.

I still can’t believe Scot never came to the house last week. I’d think he’d definitely show up this week for sure.

Although I see Scot as a bit of a pest, of course, I don’t see him as my “boss” or an authority figure of any kind. He’s a public servant and my $40 a month goes to his salary, so as far as I’m concerned, he works for me.

Tom was telling me that it’s going to be great if we can get to the 30th of this month with no problem, cuz the freeloaders have one year in which to try to sue me. At first I thought it utterly amazing that these sick vindictive assholes haven’t tried already after how much they’ve used and abused the law against me as it is, but then I remembered that it isn’t Tom they were ever after. It was me. And they know I don’t have any paychecks to be garnished.

Today’s Mary’s 24th birthday. I hope she got the card that I made up for her.

Now for a neighborhood update. I was lying awake in bed at 6:30 this morning when all of a sudden, I heard the rhythmic thump of music. I said to myself - music at 6:30 in the morning in Maricopa? Nah, we’re still a few years away from that. But when I got up and turned off the fan, there was no doubt about what I was hearing. It was the people coming to work on the rental’s septic. Why they came that early beats me, but fortunately, they were only there for 15 minutes.

That is so fucking rude! And they so obviously wanted to be heard, to get attention and wake people up. Nonetheless, nobody in the two occupied rentals would dare go out and complain cuz you just don’t do that in Arizona where this is considered to be normal, acceptable behavior. To 90% of the people out here, it’s not rude and inconsiderate. It’s just part of everyday life. Simply a way of living.

This Teddy Bear thing is so hard to live with at times that a part of me wishes we never met or that I never fell for her like I did. But we did meet, and I did fall for her. It’s a wonderful feeling; I just miss her so much it hurts! And I’m so horny all the time for her! I have to relieve myself just about every day. Just the thought of her gets my juices flowing. I still can’t believe that after 35 years I finally met someone that turns me on and that I like as a person and it’s mutual. It’s all mutual!

It’s gonna really hurt if she doesn’t come through and I end up never seeing her again, but I know that in about 2 years, whether or not I see her, the flame will begin to flicker away. That’s how it always works for me.

Yesterday, we were out for 8 hours. It was a very productive and interesting day.

We left at 5 AM. It was dark and very chilly out. I wore sleeves, though not long ones, and even took a light jacket with me. Our first stop was at Circle K for a few things - soda, coffee, and hard candy. When we got to Tempe, we stopped at a fast-food place.

Then I got to see where he works. It wasn’t quite as I pictured it to be. I thought it’d be a huge building, but it wasn’t. He showed me his cubicle where he works, the sorter room, and around that general area.

Sorry Tom, but your job isn’t nearly as impressive and exciting as Teddy Bear’s is, and also, she’s got the better uniform - ha, ha, ha!

Seriously, it was boring as all hell. We spent most of the time waiting for a file to come across the computer from out of state so he could operate the sorter.

We left Bank of America at 10:30, then hit some stores. While we were still at his work, we decided to get the direct PC satellite that day and ended up getting a smoking deal on one. I’m sure that means compensation of a bad kind is to come. Like, maybe there’ll be major trouble installing it, or worse, broken parts. Right now, though, we’re hoping it’ll be up and running by Monday.

We also stopped at a pet store to pick up sawdust, and the grocery store, too.

I’m decrypting all my files as I type this to change my key again. I’m sick of gutan tag, cuz I keep forgetting if the gutan is spelled with an a or an e, so I’m going to be sexi dawn.

Last Friday I rearranged my bedroom and office closets and saw Apple Cheeks.

The weather’s cooled down a lot, though it’s still hot in the daytime. We only need the AC for a few hours in the late afternoons, and I open windows in the mornings and early afternoons, as long as it’s not windy.

The prairie dogs are gone till March.

In good news, I finally heard from Mary, but it was a brief, nondescript letter that wasn’t very good. The poor girl’s been having bad panic attacks. She’s in our old cell now (203). All she said was that her cellies brought a lot of anxiety upon her. She didn’t go into any detail.

Nor did she even tell me what she thought about me and Teddy Bear. All she said was that she dyed her hair dark red and grew her bangs out, which I was surprised to hear. I didn’t think Teddy Bear was the type to dye her hair. She never struck me as one to be all that much into looks. At least she didn’t dye it brown, or worse, blond. I wish I could see how she looks! I miss her! I want to see her, talk to her, continue getting to know her, make love with her, etc.! It drives me crazy at times. I don’t know what it is with this woman. What did you do to me, Teddy Bear?! When are you ever going to wear off of me?

I figure the flame won’t start dying for another year or two, regardless of what we feel for each other or whether or not we’re even in each other’s lives.

God, I wish I could know for sure just what the future holds for us! I’m just so curious and I can’t wait to find out. I can’t wait to resume what we started.

She says Nancy is her celly but was to be sentenced, so by now she’d be a DOC hold. It’ll be interesting to find out what her sentence is to be for sure.

She also said that Ida’s back, which doesn’t surprise me the least bit. After all, she’s been a regular little criminal for over a decade. I’m just so glad I didn’t get together with the klepto! There’s no saying what she might’ve stolen from us.

I’ll bet she’s back on a violation. She had told me she didn’t have any probation once she got out, but now that I know what a pathological liar she is, I’m sure she did have probation. But how can the woman be dumb enough to keep on doing the same old shit for so long? Doesn’t she know she can’t get away with it? Maybe she likes getting caught, who knows?

Whatever it is she did, I’m sure it didn’t make the papers or the news. Only a few of us so-called criminals are lucky enough to make those.

I’ve had the windows open all morning. It’s nice and cool out there. By 3:00 in the afternoon, though, it’ll be pretty warm.

Scot hasn’t shown up this week and I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t today. Who knows, though? Maybe he won’t come till next week.

For the millionth, trillionth time - I just wish these fucking freeloaders would get out of my life!!! Oh, the stress they put me through as far as my schedule goes! I’m so fucking sick of having to base my schedule on them. I still don’t understand how they could legally be allowed to take over my life the way they have. I haven’t gone more than one week straight without having appointments cuz of them. It still blows my mind how they can shit on me like they did from a few feet apart, only to end up shitting on me a million times more with many miles put between us. It just makes no sense. We moved to get away from them and others just like them, so how can it be that they’ve seized control of my life to the degree that they have? They didn’t cost me half a year of my life from 3 feet away. They didn’t cost me $40 from 3 feet away. They didn’t cause me so many appointments from 3 feet away. I just don’t get it. It’s like God used them as the final straw to punish me for everything I ever did wrong in my whole, entire life and then some.

Helen said that they don’t give a moment’s thought to me, but I don’t know. They gave an awful lot of thought into fucking me over. Every day they thought of me when they’d slam their doors, blast their music, put their dog outside our windows, etc. They do more than think of me, they’re obsessed with me. You can’t tell me there’s a day that goes by that they don’t gloat over getting me thrown in jail.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to report to Scot. Meanwhile, I can have this day to myself. All I have to do for the freeloaders today is try to stay up as late as I can and sleep as late as I can when I do fall asleep.

Tom said that it crossed his mind that Teddy Bear may send a Christmas card, even if she is still dedicated to waiting a year before seeing me. I wondered this myself; if she would. That’d be so nice! I’d love a card from her and I’d really love a picture, too!

Two days in a row, thunderstorms woke me. There’s been a group of storms that came through to cool things down. It’s officially winter. I can feel it. It’s the coldest it’s been in here in months. The AC hasn’t needed to run all night and I had to put on a nightie with sleeves, even if the sleeves aren’t much. Another couple of degrees lower and I’d need socks.

Tom’s off till Tuesday cuz of Columbus Day. As much as the freeloaders are still very much a part of our lives, it’s so nice not to have the holiday stress that they’d bring!

Yesterday morning proved just how tightly sealed up this house is compared to our old one. I was out at the break of dawn while he was burying ashes, and you could hear a whole symphony of animals in all directions. There were dogs, chickens, roosters, goats, cows, etc.

Yesterday was also a pretty bad bear day. I really had the “Teddy Bear blues.” I feel like she’ll never wear off of me, but I know that in a year or two she will. That’s how it always works with those I lust for. I don’t just want to get it on with her, but I miss her, too! I just can’t wait till we meet and I learn more about her! 203 days.

I made up a birthday card for Mary. She’ll be 24 on the 15th.

We’re in the midst of bombing Afghanistan now cuz that’s where the fucking Arabs are that are responsible for the terrorist acts of last month. The ones that are still alive, that is. Tom thinks it’s a waste of our money to fly planes into this country that has no defense when all we’d have to do is just drive in. Yeah, but bombs work better when they’re launched from the sky. You can get more people that way. Besides, how are they going to get there from here?

I wish someone would kill all Arab children. Then they couldn’t breed any more of their sick kind and they’d all die off and eventually and become extinct.

I was thinking about it, and God just won’t let us keep our money! Why? Why is he so obsessed with other people taking our money? Why is it so important to him that we never get ahead and that we give our money to other people? Ever since I’ve known him, we’ve been paying others a damn good chunk of our money. First his mom ate us out of thousands, then contractors, then freeloaders.

Who’s next?

Later...

I’ve got about 70 pages left of the Estrella saga to proofread (the last two months). You know, reading this shit is a grim reminder that something up there hates me badly. Real bad. And it’s only a matter of time before it pounces on me again.

Over the next few days, Scot will be waking me up. I’ll just ignore him and hope I’m not too pissed at him, the freeloaders, the pigs, and everyone else involved in this shit, to go back to sleep and continue flipping my schedule. Meanwhile, I’ll see him when I see him. He’s dealing with me on my terms from now on, not his.

I had something irritating my gums where one of the wires was cemented on. The pain started around the time they were mounted, so I was wondering if the cement was rubbing against the gum line. Tom took a look at it since there was no way I could see it, and said it looked like food was lodged just under the gum and he managed to get it out with a plaque stick. Hopefully, this won’t happen again.

He double-checked the babies I sexed, and so far, it seems I did a good job. For now, I have all the ladies together, all the men, and together is the new black male with a baby female with dark gray and white markings.

I have a bad vibe for November 3rd, which is a Saturday. For some reason, knowing it’s on a weekend and not a weekday makes me feel a little better. I also see something big going down around late ‘02 - early ‘03. I just hope it isn’t that bad, whatever it is!

And now I have a total of 45 mice. That’s because I threw out one male bully and because the new lady mouse was killed. I don’t know why mice are so vicious towards each other! Tom said it was disgusting because they were eating her. Yeah, mice eat their dead.

Little Buddy was so funny last night. We had gotten blizzards which I normally don’t eat all at once. I usually put the rest in the fridge for later. I had some while Little Buddy was out and about. He was licking the spoon and then climbing all over me, begging for more. As Tom said, this rat likes people more than any other rat we’ve had.

That covers the mice and rats. In GP news - one of the babies is so funny when I vacuum. It hates the vacuum and it screams when the thing’s running.

I put a small Band-Aid on Bailey’s knee. It looks cute. Especially on a doll so realistic-looking.

We had a transitional storm earlier. The kind you have during the day that signals the end of summer. This will get rid of the triple-digit temps and lower our electric bill. Still a couple of weeks away from being able to get the satellite. Can’t wait! I’m going to have so much fun hunting down songs and burning CDs.

Anyway, what shocked even me was how my vibes were right on as far as when the power would come back on. I only wish Tom had been awake when it did come back on! We were talking about how, for example, although I have a great accuracy rate with when we’ll win/lose on bingo tickets, being psychic isn’t a precise thing.

This time it was, though. At 5:30 I told Tom I strongly vibed the power would be on at 7:45. Well, I was right on right down to the exact minute.

According to our online research, we’re pretty sure that the reason I haven’t heard from Mary lately is that she’s been tied up in court, but of course, this case here has nothing to do with Gretchen. The Gretchen case is in Florida. It’s the James case that’s in Arizona.

Saw Helen for the freeloaders yesterday, saw Scot for the freeloaders today. I was in and out. Tom still thinks I won’t always have to report twice a month, but I think I will. This is Arizona. They’ll play it right up till the end.

“I’ll try to see you at the house,” he said, which really means, “I will see you at the house.” I’m going to flip my schedule even though I know he’ll interrupt it. Hopefully, he won’t knock too long so I can fall back asleep. Like I said, the freeloaders wake me up more here than when I lived with them!

We stopped at Dairy Queen, but again, I’m getting sick of deaf and dumb freeloaders who are so fucking incompetent.

We drove by the rentals yesterday and yes; they are digging for septic. We can’t tell what’s living in the middle rental, but the one farthest from us is filled with freeloaders for sure. Just looking at the two trashy cars and the way the whole place looked told me that. It’s too bad George isn’t prejudiced. I’m only amazed I haven’t heard from them regularly but give it time. There’ll be trouble from back there. The more people we get back there, the more trouble there’ll be, and of course, if one of the renters is noisy, other renters won’t complain. Not that it’d do them any good anyway, but remember, noise is normal and accepted out here. So if one renter decided to hammer on a drum set right by an open window, or pluck an electric guitar or a base, it’d be perfectly OK by the others. It’s just a way of life in the southwest.

It dawned on me yesterday that that was the day I quit smoking 4 years ago. It’s hardly believable!

Got an ad in the mail from the doll store I got Jade at announcing a 70% off everything sale. It fucking figures they gotta have this kind of awesome sale when we can’t afford shit! I can’t even get stands or a dress for Jade. Thanks, Steven. Thanks, Dan. Thanks, freeloaders. Thanks, God.

Did a mouse count last night, after deciding to name the new black male Steve and the new black female Temple. If I counted right and if I sexed them right, I have 7 baby females, 10 adult females, 9 baby males, 7 adult males, and 14 newborns. A total of 47 mice.

After seeing Helen, we went to the pet store for bedding, and ended up getting two more mice! They had no jumbo rats. Here I have 60-some-odd mice and yet I got two more. That’s because they were black with white bellies, so maybe now I can make Oreo cookies. It’ll also add new genes to the gene pool. So far everyone’s related to The Gray Lady, and the more you inbreed, the more you get problems like tumors, sterility and whatnot. I got one female and one male. I assume the female’s pregnant. Even so, I put the male in with the males and the female in with the female. The ladies ganged up on her at first, but the boys seem to be OK with their new roommate.

After the female has babies, if she does, I’m going to put the male in with a white lady, one with markings, and the darkest lady I’ve got (probably this new one).

We looked at cages too, for both rats and GPs, but aren’t going to make any set decisions on what we’re going to get till we can tell the sexes of the GPs. I’m sure I’ll get something for the rats, and that some pigs will get the cage the rats are using now. If I have 3 girls and 1 boy, for example, I’ll probably put the ladies in the old rat cage and leave the guy where they all are right now in the cage we made for them with a Tupperware base and wire. If there are 2 of each, 2 can go in the rat cage and 2 can go in a new cage. If they’re all girls, they can all go in the rat cage.

Helen was able to schedule me for two weeks from now for our final meeting.

She stressed to me the importance of “living life” and not worrying about the past and the future and thinking “If only I had done this” or “If only I had done that.” She certainly has a point. Especially since none of what happened can be changed, but sometimes it’s easier said than done.

I told her I got all psyched up thinking I had found Rosa, then realized I probably didn’t.

I told her Tom went down on me, and it was so funny when she asked me what my favorite thing to do with Tom was. I thought she meant in bed, and so I told her I love to be gone down on. She meant in general, though. After thinking about it I realized that I don’t really have a specific thing. Just being with him, I guess.

As usual, I stopped off for a cappuccino and Jolly Ranchers and gave her the lemons. She gave me a couple of pieces of toffee from Montana.

She was telling me she has a client she’s seen for 3 years, whose perpetrators still haven’t had their trial since it just keeps getting postponed. Yeah, that’s our wonderful justice system for you. Anything to keep the serious criminals from getting what they deserve, and when they finally get what’s coming to them, if they get what’s coming to them, it’ll only be for a short time.

Anyway, they didn’t rape her, fortunately, but they robbed her in her car at gunpoint.

The point Helen went to make was that when the lady read the police report recently, she was shocked at how much she’d forgotten.

I wonder how much I’ve forgotten about my childhood. Not enough, unfortunately. I’ve always felt that I remember too much, in a sense, and find myself wishing I could forget a lot of the traumatic events in my childhood like so many people seem to be able to do. Then again, if I had forgotten anything, I wouldn’t know it, would I?

I’ve been having a lot of computer problems due to the burner Tom tried to install. It was causing me to crash all the time. Yeah, I knew my having my own burner was too good to be true. At least for now it is.

I miss you, Teddy Bear! But now you’re just 207 days away! Well, 207 till I can send the letter.

Anyway, our first priority is the satellite (I can’t wait!), then the CD changer, then the new cages, etc.

The assholes at the PO fucked up on the payment again and locked Tom out of the box just like they did last March, but he says there probably is a letter in there. I hope so. I mean, even though I have enough of my own work to do, it’s about time I heard from Mary. Not just to continue on with her story, but because I’m still dying to hear what she thinks about the bear and me.

As far as my projects (my book, my bio, scanning, editing TB’s copy of the jailhouse journal, and arranging closets) I decided it’d be best to finish the Estrella saga before I start my bio, meanwhile, I can do scanning and closet arranging anytime. As for TB’s copy, I’ll probably wait till I see her before I begin that. I’m 99.9% sure I’ll see her again, not 100%, so I’ll wait and make sure I do see her again before I go through all that work. Nothing’s guaranteed in life no matter how sure we feel about some things.

That brings me to another thing I realized the other day. Actually, I think I’ve realized this possibility for a while now. Although I can’t see it, nothing is guaranteed, and we can’t be too sure about anything.

Well, almost anything, anyway.

I swore I’d never marry a guy. I was 100% sure of that in my mind till I met Tom, so maybe, just maybe, as much as I just can’t sense or picture it, I could end up with Teddy Bear. What if I did leave him for her? That’d be taking a hell of a risk, though. With Tom, I’m secure. I had my SSI and SS checks and dancing to fall back on till I gained security with Tom, but now I don’t have those checks and I’m too fat to dance. I’d have to really love and feel comfortable with her to give up Tom and hurt him like that, not to mention leave this big beautiful house in Maricopa, for a no doubt not as nice house in the city. Or maybe even an apartment. I think she’s in a house, but I can’t know that for sure. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I can say never and that anything’s possible, despite how impossible it seems at the moment.

This is a long entry from what I usually put in these days, but I’m going to sign off for now, go make some popcorn, read, rock out, then crash in a few hours. I don’t know if I’m going to flip my schedule between now and next Friday. One thing’s for sure - Apple Cheeks will be bugging me here next week.

Tomorrow I see Helen, then the next day I see Scot. The question is when’s he going to come here and fuck up my schedule? This week or next? And how many weeks am I going to have to wait for my final appointment with Helen? I’m going to tell her I want to wrap this up and get it over with as soon as possible. Then that’ll be one less source of appointments and one more freeloader chapter closed, so to speak. Hopefully, she won’t be taking off to Texas or North Dakota for a month after I see her tomorrow.

Been out just over 5 months now yet I still look like shit. I’m still fat, I’m still flabby, but the good news is that I think I’m getting closer to starving. I just needed to get disgusted enough with myself to muster up enough willpower. I think on Monday I’ll go on a popcorn diet. There’s no way I’m passing up getting a cappuccino tomorrow and a mud pie on Friday, though. I’m actually looking a little forward to tomorrow’s appointment and getting out. I don’t care to get out for Scot, but Helen I don’t mind, it’s been a while, and I do want that cappuccino!

We’re going to stop at the pet store near her office and look for a big brown jumbo female rat, but I have yet to see this store, despite their huge selection, sell jumbos. I’m hoping they do now. I not only miss traditional brown rats and want a jumbo rat, but I want to breed her with Little Buddy.

Male rats kill mice, but according to what Tom said he heard at work, lady rats treat mice as if they were baby rats.

Before I get to the best news, which may not be all that great after all, I’m sitting here trying to decide which projects I wish to do tonight. I don’t have any work from Mary, so that leaves rearranging the bedroom and office closets, starting my consolidated autobiography, editing Teddy Bear’s copy of the parts of the jailhouse journal that’s been proofread, scanning in signs from my old sign language book, or doing more proofreading on my badly neglected jailhouse journal.

Well, I definitely don’t feel up to closet arranging, I can’t do anything else on the computer while I scan, so I guess I’ll work on my book.

Anyway, I thought for a minute there I found Rosa, but now I’m coming to think that this is an old address that hasn’t been updated in ages and that they did head down to Mexico as soon as she got released from jail.

It all started with a rather sad dream where I was still back in jail. I asked - Mena, I think it was - if she knew anything about Rosa and she told me she killed herself. I was stunned, thinking - no! Rosa wouldn’t do that! There were other parts to the dream that I can’t remember, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that washed over me as soon as I woke up and had time to let the dream sink in. It wasn’t just a dream. It was a message of some kind. Perhaps one saying I should look for her? After all, I never even tried. The name Rosa may be common, but Abraham isn’t, so I went to an online phone directory and got one hit in Phoenix. It’s near Mary, and I swear I recognize the address from when she’d address letters to him, and I showed her how to do the return address.

I’m not going to get my hopes up, but I sent a brief letter in Spanish to that address, explaining that I knew Rosa from jail and wished to visit with her, enclosing the PO Box and our number. As I said, the more I think about it, though, the more I doubt I’ll get a reply. I just don’t see why she and Abraham would want to remain in the US after what happened. Especially if the poor girl was falsely accused of murder. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to stay where there were so many painful memories. Besides, she told me how much she missed Mexico and that she did plan to head back there as soon as she got out.

Tom told me some crazy guy slit the throat of the driver of a Greyhound bus which resulted in an accident, killing 6 people. Of the people killed, the driver wasn’t one of them. Tom doesn’t know if the crazy guy was one of the ones killed.

I doubt it. God protects the crazy. He protects his crazies and his vindictive lazy little freeloaders with a vengeance.

From the looks of it, I currently have 50 or 60 mice. Too many! But it’s fun to see what each batch produces.

I’m surprised Apple Cheeks didn’t come last week or the week before. I wish he’d come right now while I’m awake. I don’t want him coming next week while I’m trying to flip my schedule. Who says I have to open the door to him, though? He’s just going to have to see me here at my convenience.

I’m really behind on my book and other projects I plan to do. That’s because I’ve been doing a lot of scanning, scanning the special journal pages of my written journals, or the pages that stand out to me in some way, for some reason. I just finished this task today and will be sending Paula a few pages. Meanwhile, Tom will burn the pages I tore out. I tore out all journal pages, except for those where I copied people’s letters to me.

Now when the crazy laws get even crazier and you can’t write a damn thing without it being a crime, no one can get me in that department.

I wish I could figure out what was going on in back. I heard base thumping, and of course it was freeloader-induced. They’re working on something back there. Maybe the septic? I don’t know. They appear to be working in the middle of the road or even on the property in front. I really hope George didn’t buy the lot across the way! Maybe they’re paving that area? Maybe Tom can get a sense of what’s going on if he gets in before they’re done.

Anyway, there are just too many damn houses back there and there’s bound to be all kinds of noise sooner or later, even if it were just on weekends.

Tom stopped at Mary’s yesterday for the software to run this burner he’s in the process of installing for me, and she gave him critter treats to take home that she had for her hamster. There were so many! I thought I spoiled my pets, but never have my pets had half this many treats!

My teeth are still getting whiter. Now all I need is a tan and a new body!

I still plan to get a female jumbo rat someday and breed them, too. Female rats are supposed to be really mellow compared to male rats, too. Little Buddy is one playful, hyper little guy!

Tom was telling me that someone at work told him that there are herbs I can take to help with my asthma that he’s looking into. It’s really weird. Some days I’m tighter than hell and other days I’m fine.

It’s been cloudy and windy, but it hasn’t produced any rain yet. We’re supposed to get rain from a hurricane in Mexico, but I don’t know.

I got my trays last Friday and have had no sensitivity problems with the bleaching gel. I find it best to sleep with the whitening stuff in. That way I don’t have to worry about getting thirsty with the trays in. When I try to drink with the trays in, it sucks some of the gel out. I’m doing this every night till I run out of stuff. When I run out I’ll decide if I want more. It may be something I do every 6 months or so. My teeth were noticeably whiter after just one treatment.

I’m going to be doing the fluoride treatments on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for 15 minutes indefinitely.

I hope to hear from Mary this week (I’ve given up on Paula) but in truth, the longer she puts off sending me more work, the more I can catch up on my own work. I’m way behind on my book, and I’m still scanning journals, too.

Tom’s been working on the computers, and just in case he saw my code, I changed it from avec mucho liebe (‘with much love’ in French, Spanish and German) to guten tag (‘good day’ in German). Like I said, not even he can have my password unless it was an emergency of some kind that I just can’t see. So, unless he has a way to get into the doc files that I don’t know about, they’re off-limits to him. I think, though, that if he were going to read my journals, he would’ve done it long ago. They’ve been sitting on the computer in readable format for years. Or maybe he read them while I was in jail.

He brought his mother’s computer home to fix and I may end up with her burner, so both of our computers will have them. I’d like to switch from backing up my shit on floppies to backing it up on CDs. I’ll have a CD in my office, one in the vent and one underground.

Saturday night I suddenly got horny and contemplated asking him to go down on me. I decided to ask, even though I knew I might be being a bit spontaneous for him, asking him if he’d feel awkward if I asked him to go down on me. “No,” he said. “Not as long as you reciprocate once in a while.” That part surprised me a bit. I didn’t think he needed any reciprocation.

So, he went down on me and yes, I got off by it. He said I owed him the next day, but as I figured, and secretly hoped would be the case, he never asked me to do anything to him. He said I’d owe him the next day (today), but the guy should know that just because I wanted him to go down on me that one night, doesn’t mean he has to feel obligated to say he wants stuff done to him. If he’s content not to have me do anything to him, so be it. I know it may sound selfish of me, but I don’t know that I want to do anything to him. Giving him handjobs are boring, and it’s like, I just don’t know if I want to go back to the same old boring, predictable sex. A part of me regrets asking him to do me the other night, fearing I may’ve opened up an old door I don’t want to walk through again. Doing stuff with him may be familiar and comfortable, but it’s not new and exciting like it would be with Teddy Bear, till she too, became all too familiar and comfy.