I hate God for allowing our heat pump to break after all the things that have broken on us already! I really do. I’m gonna hate him even more on the first, no doubt. APS is in back so I’m sure God will be picking out the perfect set of freeloaders to move in if he hasn’t already.

It’s cold and drizzling out.

Signing in on this very cloudy day. Tom says that according to the weather news, we should see snowcaps up top of the mountains today cuz of all the moisture. Can’t see any yet, though.

Saturday, I tested Tom, who did exactly what I thought/hoped he’d do. As I’ve said before, the man just doesn’t have the heart to come out and admit he isn’t any more interested in sex than I am, though his actions clearly show it. I brought the subject up and he said we’d start tomorrow, which was last Sunday, and how he wanted me to do him by hand. I reminded him that I’ve made the offer to take care of him by hand before, but he didn’t bring it up, so neither did I. Sure enough, when the next day came, he never said a word about it. What this means is that although I doubt I’d feel a shred of guilt if I did end up getting it on with Teddy Bear, whose letter’s now just 90 days away, I’m all the more certain I wouldn’t feel any guilt. I wouldn’t be depriving him in the least.

Before I get to the worst news, about 26 pinkies have arrived over the last few days, and the red truck still comes in back nearly every day.

If anyone had any lingering doubts about a breakage curse being thrown on us, this will kill them off - our fucking heat pump broke! It never fucking ends! We can’t go 6 months without a major break of some kind. Two-year-old heat pumps just don’t give out like this. What is it with this two-year shit anyway? We lost the well at two years and now this at two years - aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

It’s so obvious that something wants us to put our money anyplace we don’t want to. Every time we get ready to receive a large sum of money with which we have certain plans, something has to come and fuck us out of our plans. I’m so fucking sick of being kicked back in life financially, never getting ahead. I know someone’s going to have to be called out on account of this, and that alone will cost hundreds. Then, we have to hope to hell we called the right person who knows what the hell they’re doing. Better now than when it’s boiling hot out there (we’re using the portable heaters), but I’m sick of this shit. Totally sick of it! I’m fed up with our stuff breaking and with being forced to put our money in places we shouldn’t have to. We need fences and things like that. Not to have to fix a new heat pump.

Spoke to Paula a few days ago. Get this - they want to give her 10 lousy days in jail, a $500 fine, and a year’s probation for slugging that cop. Yet the writer goes to jail for 6 months, does 100 hours of community service, and ends up paying thousands towards it. Yes, we really do live in a wonderful world with wonderful people, don’t we?

Tom was saying that it’s not the spontaneous crimes Arizona’s strict about. They’re strict about those that were planned. No shit! Even so, I don’t think Paula would get just 10 days and a year’s probation for slugging a pig out here. No way.

Anyway, Paula, who admits to hitting the pig, said she was hit first. I don’t know what to believe. A lot of pigs are aggressive, and they do hit, so I’d say that yeah, she probably was hit. In that case, she had every right to hit back. Sometimes two wrongs do make a right if you ask me. Sometimes you just have to give back what you get, depending on the situation.

She says her lawyer’s pressuring her to plead guilty. Public pretenders will always try for that. Remember, they’re on the state/county’s side and not their clients.

Received a quick letter from Mary. She thinks Pérez went to Madison, too. Figures, huh? What is it with all the Estrella DOs moving to Madison? Is there anyone there I knew?

She said the testifying’s been delayed till March and that a new prosecutor was assigned to the case. She asked me to look up what I could find on the new prosecutor, but I couldn’t find anything on her.

She hasn’t seen hotdogs in a while. That’s good, but I’ll bet they’d suddenly reappear like magic if I were there!

Hope’s still her celly. I wonder what the hell she’s in there for. I asked Mary, but I have a feeling she won’t tell me.

Other than that, she praised my book again and thanked me for writing as often as I do. Makes her smile, she says.

Believe it or not, I decided to do some wall art, but only in the retreat. I did a ballerina, but I don’t like the way the fat-faced thing turned out. My flowers came out okay, though. Flowers are easy because you don’t have to be so precise with them.

So much for not anticipating Scot till April or May. The cheeks showed up yesterday. It hasn’t even been 3 weeks since his last visit! This is the first time he’s ever come twice in the same month. Tom said it’s simply because he happened to be in the area, but after what’s happened, I’m always suspicious of anyone in the system. It makes me wonder - did I say or do anything to falsely imply we may move? Or is something else going on I don’t know about? I just didn’t expect him to pop in again so soon, but maybe that’s why he did. Well, if he shows up again before mid-February, I’m not opening the door. Just because he hasn’t done anything corrupt yet that we know about, doesn’t mean he’s clean with the best of intentions in mind. He could be a friend of the freeloaders for all I know, biding his time, just waiting to slowly start harassing me. I doubt it, but you just never know. He could suddenly decide to either make demands he knows I can’t/won’t meet or badger me with the hopes that it’d cause me to abscond. Again, I doubt it. He probably was in the area. But just in case, I’m standing my ground against the freeloaders/system. I’m not going to be driven out of my home. I just won’t answer the door much if he starts coming around more often. Maybe if he sees I’m not that accessible, he’ll back off, but if he does have it in mind to start harassing me, and if he can’t get to me in one way, he’ll go another route to get at me. I’d rather him bug me every week, though than tear up the house. I wouldn’t let it happen if I could help it, but that’s my biggest worry. Again, I doubt it’ll happen, but the reason it’s my biggest fear is not only cuz of the humiliation of feeling violated by having strangers pawing through our personal stuff but cuz I know they’ll take something. I know how it is - if they can’t find contraband, they take something that isn’t. They’re not gonna waste all their time and work walking out of here empty-handed. Besides, it’s a power thing, too. Just the idea that they can take from someone. It’s an adrenaline rush for them, making them feel all high and mighty and God-like.

All I can say is what I’ve already said - if he hurts us, he hurts himself. He’ll ruin his career, his life and much more if he steps out of line. Never again will anyone hide behind the law to use and abuse us with it while we lie down and just take it.

I’m shocked to say, after yesterday’s dentist appointment, that I have not one cavity! See, I really think Smith made up a lot of those cavities. I’m so glad I switched dentists. This one’s so much more competent, honest and friendly. She finds new things to compliment me on each time I see her. This time it was my young-looking hands that lack brown spots, and the dimple in my left cheek that I’ve always hated. Looks like a zit to me.

Her assistant was talking about painting stars and clouds on her kid’s ceiling and I mentioned the wall art to them. The dentist thought the idea sounded cool and was curious about it, so I said I’d send some pictures of various wall art to her.

I decided to wait a couple of weeks, at least till he gets paid, before I get another whitening kit, cuz they’re $30. I did get more fluoride toothpaste for $10, though, since I’m not doing the fluoride treatments with the trays. She said we didn’t have to drive all the way in to pick it up, either. She’ll mail it to us, which is very nice of her.

After seeing her, we went through a fast-food drive-through, then to Walgreens. I got silver chrome nail polish, though it looks more like shiny gray than metallic silver. It’s still nice, though.

I also got a vanilla lip gloss and a watermelon one, too.

Then I got 3 Kelsey dolls for $12. They’re close in size to Barbie. I got a blue-eyed blond, a green-eyed redhead, and a brown-eyed brunette. They each came with spare outfits.

I’m trying out a new word processor now. So far, I like how it has a lot of colors to choose from and a built-in text reader, but it has several flaws.

I freed my last male mouse and now all the ladies are living together. I have about a dozen in all till the babies are born.

Decided to do some wall art, after all this time, but only in the retreat. All it is is a music room/storeroom. As soon as the sun comes up and I have better lighting, I’ll attempt some outlines. If those are a success, then we’ll get some markers. I was thinking I’d do floral decorations. Maybe a Bugs Bunny too, like I had on the bedroom wall in Phoenix.

Yesterday morning, just before 7:00, I heard two dogs barking outside the window in front. When I looked out, they were barking at something on the front steps, though at first I couldn’t see what it was. My yanking the blinds up so I could see better scared the dogs back a few feet. Then I saw next door’s big black cat. It jumped off the stairs, then the dogs chased it down toward where it lives. When I glanced out the side door, I thought I saw it lying dead about 80 feet away, but since the sun wasn’t fully up yet, I couldn’t see that it was really a dead cactus slumped over. The cat escaped by climbing up a tree.

The ruckus woke Tom up, but fortunately not too long before he was going to get up, anyway. I’m pretty sick of dogs on our property. These are always huge dogs, too. Never any little poodles or anything like that. So I’m hoping we can do the entire exterior fencing this year. Even though they’d be too big to squeeze through the barbed wire, we talked about stringing a low-voltage wire around the perimeter.

I’m going to try to stay up as late as I can, but I don’t expect I’ll sleep well tomorrow or the next day with them booming away up there. It’ll depend on the time they do it.

When we saw Scot Friday, I told him I decided I didn’t have enough dolls and so I decided to get more. He then said, “Oh, just what the old man needs. I’ll bet he’s thrilled. But there are worse things to collect.” That’s when he told us about people collecting barf bags from planes. Unused, of course.

Although we both checked, we couldn’t find anything about Paula online. Massachusetts doesn’t air out people’s dirty laundry like Arizona does. Arizona is definitely the most unique state as far as what’s illegal and what’s not. So much so that the Madison Street jail is the only jail in the country with live cameras. Meaning, I can go online and watch them at intake, the very place I was first at! There are 4 different cameras. They show a holding cell, the whole row of holding cells, the search cell, and the area where the mug shots are taken. Wouldn’t it be a trip if I saw Teddy Bear!

Due to the way my stomach reacts so poorly to dairy products, I’ve been forced to change my diet menu. I can’t have dairy or roughage. Especially raw roughage. I’m simply going to have one big chicken, potato and broccoli TV dinner, a bag of popcorn, and some crackers each day. I’ll be hungrier on this menu, but I’d rather be hungry than sick. I’m sick of having so much gas and sometimes getting the runs, too.

I’m rather tired this cloudy day cuz the freeloaders said I had to get up sooner than I’d have liked so I could see Scot on Friday. If he doesn’t test me then, then who knows when he will?

I finished the East Coast part of my story yesterday, including its final proofreading. Today or tomorrow I’ll start my adventures in the wild, wild West!

Paula’s been through her share of Eastern adventures. Sure enough, she has been busy getting arrested, but as usual, I couldn’t make sense of her rapidly changing and disjointed sentences. Something about speeding and a case of mistaken identity between her and her twin brother Paul concerning her car. Then she said she beat up on this lady cop. Then she’s also in trouble for threatening that woman on school grounds.

She has court this week. The 3 months she spent in Niantic wasn’t the only time she did. She’s done two 6-month sentences. All of which were for assault. I never was kidding when I said she had one aggressive temper! It sounds to me like she’s going to be doing time. I told her to notify me if she does, so I can hold off on sending letters to her.

I hope she curbs her temper soon. You can only point a loaded gun at other people so many times before that gun’s turned on you. Meaning, she’s gonna end up hitting the wrong person and getting herself killed sooner or later.

She says that her father never got packages she sent him in Florida, either.

Paula was so hyped up and even paranoid. It seems she’s more and more paranoid lately, always thinking her phone’s tapped. I got a kick out of how she claims she hears static depending on what she says. As if taps know what’s being said! Anyway, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she was on something.

I feel so bad for Justin. She’s always threatening to beat his ass, break his face, punch him out, etc. That kid must be utterly terrified half the time! He’s going to turn out to be a monster. This is the type of rearing that produces the utmost violent people. I know she’s beating on him. I’d be willing to bet she’s never hugged, kissed or praised the kid.

During my interview with Tom, he claimed he didn’t want our relationship to be platonic since I’ve been home and said that he’s only kept his distance cuz I haven’t been interested. No, I haven’t been, but I don’t buy his being interested. Wouldn’t he have brought it up a few times here and there if he was? I think that unlike me, he can’t admit his lack of desire. I told him a few times I was rather indifferent and that if he felt he had to do it, ok, but when he didn’t bother to pursue the matter, I assumed he wasn’t any more interested than I was.

I can live with the same person year after year, obviously, but I can’t have sex with the same person year after year. I want Teddy Bear till I get sick of her and get her out of my system!

We finished making the Barbie stands. We ended up using Plexiglas for the bases as well as the stands and they look really good. A lot better than if we’d used CDs.

Tom set up a can crusher outside so we can crush soda cans and take them in for money. It’ll be like another piggy bank.

I did an “interview” with Tom for my book. He told me more about his childhood, but we haven’t gotten to his adulthood yet.

I can’t believe they’ve been working on that house in back for 3 months now.

Today’s one of those days where I’m really missing Teddy Bear quite badly. As bad as I did a lot of the time during my first few months home. Can’t get the woman off my mind! Will we see each other? And if so, how often, and what will happen? So many questions run through my mind. Has she been alone all this time? Does she miss me?

Gina still misses me, she told Tom when he dumped stuff at the recycling center. The people she has right now are doing such a lousy job. She hinted at the possibility of having to hire someone, but I’m not about to get my hopes up. If I were meant to be a homemaker like I have been over the years, why would that suddenly change? Seems to me that if I were meant to be working, I’d have been working all along. Also, it’s too good to be true. The job would just be too ideal, and the idea of the freeloaders leading us to more money after they took us for thousands, seems rather ironic. I also have to wonder, if we made more money, would the Gods be more tempted to send someone to steal it from us? It just seems that whenever we have more money than usual, someone rips us off.

For just $20 Tom got an awesome new vacuum. It’s small and you can sling it over your shoulder with a strap. As small as it is, though, it has major suction. It’d be ideal for vacuuming the couch, blinds, utility area, countertops, and the area around the animal cages.

I received mail from the doll company yesterday (Paradise Galleries) and now I have to wait two months for Sugar Plum, the musical ballerina. I guess they’re made and assembled in batches in China.

I also got mail from Mary. It was a quick letter saying she has to testify on the 4th. I wonder if it’d be on the news, being a high-profile case. I’d think the baby killer would generate more media coverage than the stalker.

She said she hasn’t seen Pérez yet, but when she does, she’ll slip her my note/pictures. I get the impression Pérez hasn’t been there in a while. I wonder if she’s still even there. She says there are a lot of new DOs. No Teddy Bear.

She also praised my writing, saying I was a very talented writer and that my life has been like a good thriller. Ha! If she thinks that, wait till she reads my life out here. I’ve decided to have two books. Book one will be Life in New England (the first 26 years of my life) and book two will be Life in the Southwest (ages 26-35). Book one is going to be about 50 pages long with 58 chapters.

I spotted an easy way through the wash that’s in back of the house. It’s not as close to the house as the front wash is. Anyway, I walked through and back towards the rentals. What pieces of shit! No decent white person with a decent, honest job is going to want to live in a dump like that.

It’s quite a walk from this house to the back property line. There are 4 washes on our land. The front one’s just a dozen or so feet from the house, maybe a bit more. The second one’s about 100 feet behind the house, then there’s one about 50 feet from the rental, with one in between. The one in between is pretty half-assed. It’s like it barely formed. This is where he wants to build a barn, whether or not we have horses. It’ll be a good privacy block, as well as the hedges we’re going to put up, and a good way to get water to them. For now, we’re gonna dig a trench and use the old plastic well piping to pipe water out to the hedges.

So, our tentative plans are to put up an interior fence, a doggie door, barb wire the west and north perimeters, porch/screen the 3 doors, though we may not get them screened in this year, plant exterior hedges (mostly in back), and a couple of palms and clumps of cactus in front.

Next year we’ll screen the porches, do the barn, do the pool/AZ room, finish the exterior fencing, and create a circular drive in front that’ll extend over the wash. So he’ll still park where he parks. He just won’t get to that spot the same way he does now, which is driving in between ours and next door’s property.

Well, I finally get to hear my wind chime and hear it well. Some would find the clanking annoying, but I love the sound of wind chimes. There’s a dust storm blowing through right now and if it’s fronting any rain, I don’t know. It was gorgeous earlier. Around 70 with a gentle, clean-smelling breeze. The perfect weather for opening windows.

I’m beginning to think that yes, Paula is in jail, but I’ll find out sooner or later. I won’t write to her till I do. Besides, I’m still pissed at her for saying she was going to send stuff she knew she wasn’t going to send.

Down to 120 pounds now.

The red pickup and George are in back again. It sucks to know that the dog the renters will have, and I know they’ll have one cuz their place will be closest to ours, may very well be audible within the house if it’s got a loud bark. Nowhere near as loud as those collies in Phoenix, but it may even be somewhat annoying when we’re outdoors while it’s a straight shot without any hedges to absorb some of the sounds.

Yesterday it was so nice out. Cool in the shade and warm in the sun, the air smelling as clean as can be. Today it’s cloudy and cool with the air reeking of horse shit. I don’t know why you can smell it some days and others you can’t.

Now there’s a white mini-van in back I’ve never seen before.

Tom may be switching to nights and looking at a raise, but we don’t know this yet for sure.

I was pleasantly surprised to get my dolls yesterday. I love them! Some of the colors aren’t quite what they appeared to be online, though. Emerald’s dress looked pine green like Rapunzel’s, but it’s more of an olive green. She’s one realistic-looking doll for $25! Valentine, another member of the fairy series by this artist, isn’t quite as nice, but certainly nice enough. Her dress looked pink online, but it’s mauve. Both the mauve and olive dresses add good variety as far as colors go, though I don’t particularly care for olive. The doll wearing the dress, on the other hand, is great. She has red hair and green eyes, while Valentine has blond hair and blue eyes.

Twinkle looks sensational and also very realistic. She’s no Bailey, but she’s close. Only her gray eyes fringed with auburn lashes aren’t as realistic, but only if you get close up to her. What I like about dolls that are around her size is that you don’t have to get right up to them to see them well enough. Especially the girl dolls, which tend to be thicker. Summer Dream is only a couple of inches shorter in length, yet you have to be close to her to admire her fine, delicate detail. Twinkle’s hair looked washed out online, making it appear white, but it really is white! Talk about variety and originality. It really goes with her fairy theme and her satiny pink outfit. I didn’t attach her wings, though. They were full of glitter and they made a mess. I’m not big on wings anyway. I never attached Angel’s, Linda’s or Valentine’s, but I did attach Emerald’s cuz they were cool looking with just a little glitter and scattered glittery stones.

The little fairies come with some cute accessories. Emerald comes with a gold plastic treasure chest, bedecked with jewels inside and out. There’s even a beaded necklace inside. Valentine comes with a gold wand in which a pink jeweled heart sits on top, and also a plastic butterfly-shaped box with multi-colored jeweled hearts inside. Ashton-Drake wouldn’t sell one of these $25 dolls for under $80! And I can’t believe Twinkle and Praying Spirit were under $200!

Twinkle’s wand is really cool looking, by the way, and she’s my first doll to lie on her tummy.

The only one that wasn’t as impressive in person was Praying Spirit, but she sure is nice enough and I don’t intend to send her back. She looked lighter online and her lips looked rosier, but again, she adds variety to my collection with her hands clasped in prayer and her long braid flowing down the middle of her back. I had done up a cheap doll that was stored away in a braid, but it didn’t look too good.

It was the PO that fucked up and not the doll place. It’s totally something that would have to happen to me, though. I always have to fight for or wait on dolls.

The next one I want to get from them is Blossom for $60 who goes with Twinkle.

When I checked online, I found another picture of Sugar Plum, who’s on her way, and she is poseable. I figured she wouldn’t be all-porcelain like Patrice and Colette, but even so, I’m amazed she’s just $25.

Now there’s a car I can barely see from the angle it’s parked with what appears to be, looking through the binoculars, a white guy and two Indian women standing on the front steps of the house. Perspective renters? Wouldn’t surprise me since we can’t have white neighbors, but I’ll take Indian over black or Mexican.

There’s been a red pickup, along with George’s white one, in back the last two days. I wonder when it’ll ever have power and people living in it. The longer it takes, the better.

I wonder if Teddy Bear ever did check into some property out here. I’ll find out, hopefully, soon after 111 days.

I fine-tuned my diet to perfection, so I should start losing weight again. I’ve been stuck at 121 pounds.

The dolls still haven’t come, so Tom called them from work at the bank’s expense. The girl he talked to said they usually take 10 days. Then why did they say they shipped priority mail? Priority mail takes only 2-3. God, I hate liars! And if they use regular parcel post, how come they only take 10 days and Ashton-Drake took 3 weeks? And does their 10 days mean “10 days” or 10 “business days?” Well, either way, he feels they’re definitely a legitimate business and that they’ll be here this week. I hope so, cuz even by regular mail, it shouldn’t take this long from San Diego. They were shipped the day after we placed the order like they said they usually do. It’s been 8 days. They also said they can’t put a trace on it till it’s been 30 days, so I’d have to wait till the 28th of this month. I hope my doll luck doesn’t turn out to be that shitty!

We’re now trying out a new way to epoxy the Barbie stands. I thought it’d look better if we epoxied the Plexiglas stand right to the CD. So far, so good. Our prototype’s drying nicely. I think it can handle a 5-oz. doll.

I took a strip of material that Ma had given me and I tacked it across a couple of tall, narrow slots on the entertainment center. That way I could put 4 small dolls in that area.

I definitely want to convert back to having nothing but female mice, so I set up one male with 5 females. Once they have babies, I’ll ditch the males. So I have 3 groups right now. A pair of males, the male and females, and then I’ve got 6 females.

I forgot to say that Scot amazed the shit out of me by not testing me when I saw him on the 4th, and he also stopped by today. He was in and out in a flash, and Mr. Serious was loosened up for a change. He even laughed when he saw all the dolls strewn about the kitchen table. What a stupid ditz he is, though. Talk about being non-observant! He asked if the Bowflex was a Christmas present, saying he hadn’t seen it before!

Anyway, I’m glad he finally came. Now this will be one less thing I have to anticipate bugging me for a while. I don’t expect him back till May.

Did I get my dolls last Friday? Of course not. They better be here on Monday! I’d be very surprised if they weren’t, despite my shit doll luck. If they’re not, Tom will call them from work. If they took the money Monday, I doubt they shipped them any later than Tuesday. Therefore, I doubt it’d take more than a week to get to me.

We finally got the second story of the rat’s cage back on. It looks pretty neat.

We went outside yesterday and staked out where we want the interior fence to be. It’s going to run from the utility pole at the corner of the house where he parks to the back door. It’ll extend out towards the wash in back, which means Pepper or whatever dog we do get, if we get a dog, will have plenty of room. Way more room than your typical yard in Phoenix.

Next week we should know exactly how much stock money we’ll be getting and what we’ll be doing with it. We’ll at least get some ideas, then we’ll get prices. Some things may cost more or less than we think they do. We didn’t expect to get the satellite this cheap, but that’s why God compensated us with the delay. So you just get more hassles with the money you save. It’s still good to find things for less than you thought because then there’s room for buying more stuff.

As of yesterday, there has been a huge dumpster sitting behind the new rental, but no activity. They’ll probably make up for lost time this coming week.

I’m surprised Paula hasn’t been pestering me. Could she be in jail? Or maybe she’s feeling guilty for lying to me about sending first a doll, then a letter and pictures.

Oh, how I hope Tom’s right about it being unlikely that I have to piss in front of anyone! Either way, in just a few hours I can get that over with, then get asked the same damn questions, half of which he knows the answer to, like how much time I got total. It really bugs me when he tells me how much time I have left. First of all, I know how much time I have left, and what’s the point of bringing that up? Does he think it’d make me feel better? It’s way too soon to be counting down the probation time. I’m worlds away from the end. I’m not even to the halfway marker yet. This is an annoyance not worth bitching about, but if he ever again refers to them as the “victims,” I will let him know that that bothers me and that I don’t want to hear it. God how I wish that when it wasn’t testing time, he was a gorgeous woman. It’d make it a little easier.

I moved the wind chime I got for Christmas and put it outside the office window. It’s just too hard to hear things like that in this house. Being on the stair rail just wasn’t cutting it. It’d have to be stormy-windy in order to be heard from there.

I was extremely shocked to see four or five p-dogs running around yesterday! I didn’t think they’d return till March.

If all goes well, my Teddy Bear should be 115 days away. Well, I can send the letter. I just have to hope she gets my letter or calls me if she doesn’t. I may send letters to both Estrella and Madison.

Mary sent home some oranges from her orange tree with Tom yesterday, but I couldn’t get into them. They were hard as hell to peel, and I’m just not a citrus person. Ma gave him twenty bucks, so maybe we’ll get treats at Circle K. I’m down four pounds. Down to 121. I think I can get to 115 in 27 days with a few days off from the diet in the midst.

I want my dolls today! Oh, Tom said he knows why he didn’t get an email from them; because it wouldn’t go through. He’s got something set up wrong. Even so, there should be an invoice saying that the doll they didn’t charge us for is out of stock or sold out. I knew someone would be missing or delayed. Especially after Christmas. I also knew they wouldn’t give me a free doll. I’ll bet it’s Emerald or Valentine that I won’t get today.

Once again they’re talking about the possibility of Tom switching to nights, but who knows if it’ll ever happen? If it does, he’ll make almost two more bucks an hour and would work mainly from 9 PM-5 AM.

They’re also talking about laying other people off, but because that’d mean a lot of money for us, we know it won’t happen. God knows how many more years he’ll be stuck at this bank. At least he can be flexible about his hours, though, at this place. With the freeloaders occupying so much of our lives, he needs all the flexibility he can get.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I told him I was nervous about tomorrow’s trip to Scot, cuz I know he’ll test me, and I fear having to put on a piss show for someone, but Tom said it’s highly unlikely with him being the only PO in Maricopa. Of course, all he has to do is tell me to go to Casa Grande if he wants me to piss for someone that bad. I’ll know to drink a cup of tea before we leave tomorrow. It’s a great diuretic. You can get three or four trips to the bathroom in just one cup.

My bio’s still under construction with no known finish date in sight. I’m still back east. Still in MA. Haven’t even gotten to S. Deerfield yet, for that matter.

Sure enough, there were no dolls yesterday. No message about the one they didn’t bill us for. Tom thinks they may’ve comped the bill on that one for placing such a huge order, but I doubt it. No one’s that generous. If anything, they should comp a doll for the delay. It’s been a week since we placed the order, and holiday or not, I should’ve received the dolls by now. We’re thinking the dolls were shipped Monday because that’s when the money was taken, so that means they shouldn’t be here till tomorrow or Saturday. I don’t want to make him run all the way to the PO on Saturday if they don’t come on Friday, so I’ll just get them next week in that case, unless there’s some further delay.

I wish it were tomorrow afternoon! Then I won’t have to see the cheeks again for two weeks, and I should have my dolls.

They haven’t caught Bin Laden yet, the guy who masterminded the terrorist attacks. They never will either, I’d bet. These are the kinds of people God protects. So, I just try to see the good in it, and that’s that out of the many thousands of people that were killed, a lot of assholes had to be included.

They didn’t have fireworks at Times Square this year so people wouldn’t freak out thinking it was terrorists.

Although I’d go back to sleep if I were tired enough, I’m going to try to stay on a day schedule for the next few months. If I remember correctly, January through March is when they’re booming by a lot.

Yesterday we rearranged like I said we were going to with the stereo and entertainment center. I think I’ll like it better this way.

We also cooked salmon. It was the first time Tom tried it. He says he’s going to try eating healthier, but like with most things, I know he won’t stick to it. Anyway, the salmon was way too salty.

Upon ordering the dolls, I read what they had to say about ordering/shipping, and was like - you mean I can just order these and get them in a few days? Yeah, right! Sure enough, as my shit doll luck would have it, one’s out of stock and the 4 that they did charge us for weren’t shipped till Monday. There’s no way I could get them today. And this was informed to me by Tom right after I was thinking that getting all 5 dolls today was a wee bit too good to be true. Why does there always have to be some kind of catch to life’s good things? We rarely get to do things like buy stuff for ourselves like this, yet there’s always a catch. A doll’s out of stock, they screwed up my order, and there’s some glitch within the doll.

Maricopa, AZ
Age 36

I haven’t gotten too many vibes pertaining to this New Year. It doesn’t even feel like it’s New Year’s. All I got was that I would lose weight and that he’d get a raise around March. I can’t see anything for sure on fences, dogs, porches, etc. I don’t even have any Teddy Bear vibes, though I still think she’s coming. I hope so, but if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I should know for sure one way or another between now and March. I think February will tell me.

As for goals, mine are to be down to 115 pounds come February 1st, 110 by March 1st, 105 by April 1st, and 100 by May 1st. I think I’ll get close if I don’t get all the way down to where I want to go. Don’t have a choice either way. I’ve got to lose some weight because my clothes are pretty tight on me, but I have already dropped some, so that’s cool. I didn’t even need to weigh myself in order to verify it. We could see the difference, and I could feel it, too. When I was 125, just a slight bend to the side would cause my sides to roll, but now it takes a little more than a little bend. Once I hit down around 105, I won’t be able to roll my sides no matter how far towards the side I bend at the waist.

We have to figure out a way to keep Little Buddy from going under the couch or else it’ll be completely destroyed in no time. I was thinking that the best way would be to staple wire or strips of wood in back of its frame.

Had some really cool rearranging ideas. I was thinking that it was rather dumb to have two “stereos” in one room. The music loaded on the computer is there if I want to work out, or if someone’s being noisy while I’m trying to work.

Meanwhile, I thought I’d put the listening/singing stereo in the storeroom (the retreat off of the bedroom). I always thought the music would sound good in that room. It’s our smallest room at 10x10. Also, the way I sit on the floor has really fucking up this semi-cheap carpet, and so I’d prefer to fuck up the carpet in more remote, less-traveled areas of the house.

I screwed a curtain rod about a half-inch from the floor in the doorway to the music room, as I’ll now call it, and Tom’s office to keep the rat out. Before, he was blocking off his dump with wire.

Lastly, I got this awesome idea for the entertainment center that he built that’s been in my office ever since we got the big-screen TV. This one may be hard to describe, but anyway, it’s got 3 columns of shelves. The first one’s about 5’ high with 3 shelves just over 22”. Each varies in height. The second column’s barely 2’ tall. It too, has 3 shelves that are 25” wide. The third column is about 4’ high with 3 shelves that are just under 22”. Well, for the most part, the dolls are too tall to go anywhere but on the top shelves, and one of the 3 top shelves was taken up by the stereo, then the monitor. If I turn it on its side, with the highest part being at the bottom, I could fit more dolls in, though not on the bottom, cuz of the rat. The shelves would be skinnier and taller, rather than short and wide. Perfect for my 22” dolls. Once turned, it’ll be C-shaped, with the bottom of the C extending out more.

I also remembered seeing an age on the tag inside the sleeper Jade’s wearing that Bailey came in. Instead of spending $100 on a dress for her at a place like JBS Dolls, I could go to K-Mart and look for something within the same age group. I still need to get her a stand someday, too.

I sent Mary some more of my own story, and some journal stuff to Paula, even though she doesn’t deserve it. I still don’t like being lied to like that just to get tapes and keep letters coming.