Nane asked me why I complain so much even though my life is so much better now, just like some others have asked me, and I told her that’s just how I am. She understood. At least I think she did. What I bitch about, though, doesn’t take away from the good. I still appreciate the hell out of the good times, trust me!

I was also right about her and Askim. They had a big argument and almost broke up. I would be surprised if they weren’t together forever, even though Nane can be a bitch at times.

Speaking of nagging… the people across the street are still working on whatever it is they’ve been working on. They’re not “noisy,” but they’re annoying and a bit distracting when I’m trying to focus on things. They just took off for lunch, but I’m sure they’ll be back.

This rain continues to amaze me. It’s like old times. I’m sure Jesse’s run down to the trailer to ask whoever’s in there now if the roof is leaking, even though all they have to do is call him if it is. It’s just after 12:30 in the afternoon yet it looks early morning out there.

Tom tightened the platform on my treadmill, though I’m too busy to run today. Plus I’ve got to have my toe done later on. Right now I’m doing laundry and am about to have lunch. Then I may straighten my hair. Maybe not, though. The rain will just curl it back up.

They gave Tom a nice shirt at work and a cell phone case, too. There are also hints of him replacing a guy who moved to another department which would mean a lot more money. He’s afraid to jinx it by getting into it much, and I don’t even want to think about the unfuckingbelievable shitload of money this could bring in case it’s a tease. He doesn’t know for sure what the guy was making, but it’s got to be at least bordering on insanity. We’ll know in about a month.

Later…

The surgery went over without a hitch. Whew! I’m so relieved the week of appointments is finally over. While I had to wait forever for her, the procedure went quickly and without as much pain as anticipated. As I was in the regular exam room, after listening to the ear-piercing screams of this little boy in the waiting room whose father did nothing to stop it, I heard the doctor step out into the hall and say, “The needle has to be long.”

Well, she can’t be talking about me, I thought to myself. Why would you need a long needle to numb a toe, right? Wrong. After she came and brought me to another room with a different kind of chair, she asked me if I wanted to lay back if I thought I was the type to pass out at the sight of what she was going to do, and I said I’d be fine sitting up. Besides, anything beyond a few feet in front of me is blurry without my glasses. But I could still see enough to know why she needed a long needle. Instead of sticking it straight into me, she ran it across my toe just underneath the skin. She stuck me 3 or 4 times, then put a clamp on. That’s a toe ring of sorts that acts as a tourniquet. When she was done her assistant bandaged the toe. It’s a good thing I took my flip-flops because it would’ve been hard to get my foot into the shoes I arrived in.

She cut the left side of the nail plate on the left big toe and warned me that there was a chance it could grow back ingrown at which time she would do more than just a section to guarantee it didn’t grow back curled. I’m also at risk of infection and bleeding, but I think I’ll be ok. Gotta keep the bandage on 24 hours, though.

It doesn’t hurt when I’m off my feet, but I can barely walk. Even though it doesn’t hurt it’s impossible to just walk normally. It only hurts if I put full pressure on the soles of my feet, and of course that toe. I have to walk on the outer edge of my foot or heel, and even then it’s uncomfortable. It may actually be easier if I crawled, LOL, and for the first time since being here, I wish the place weren’t so damn big. The bathroom is a mile away from my computer desk. It’s amazing, though, how much stepping on your foot affects the top part of it as well.

The only thing that pisses me off is knowing we owe hundreds of dollars. It would be thousands without insurance. We can afford it; I just don’t think it’s fair that only some people get free medical care. While I’m the first to admit the poor should never be denied health care, I don’t see why those with money should have to pay for it. Take it out of the taxes, why don’t they? Hundreds or not, I am at least getting top-of-the-line care with state-of-the-art equipment and the highest quality of services and remedies.

I was crying tears of both relief and gratitude regardless of who has to pay what. I’m just so, so grateful to Tom and to having insurance… FINALLY. I can’t believe we discovered the cure for my ear in Maui so I could end years of suffering. If only I’d known to get a humidifier. I’m like a new woman! I can eat without pain and don’t have to suffer near-daily earaches, and soon I will no longer have to suffer from my toe even if that was mild compared to the teeth and ear. It was a horrible way to live being in pain nearly every day of my life for years. Every day I’d wake up and wonder, what will it be today? My ear or my teeth? God may still hate me but He sure is doing a great job of not letting it show lately and I hope it stays that way!

It rained hard most of the day. Mudslides have been occurring throughout the state as we get all this rain the earth hasn’t been used to getting in years. Golf courses and playgrounds are now as green as Hawaii. We didn’t have much visibility on the freeway. The backsplash from tires makes it harder to see than the actual rain falling from the sky.

The red rosebushes are in bloom on the front side and they’re really beautiful to see along with the pink camellias.

Really wish the people across the street would finish whatever project it is that they’ve got going. The car doors, hammering and sawing are annoying at times.

Why is it that other than Nane and I, people seem to be on Facebook just as much when they’re on vacation as when they’re not? I can see checking in to let people know you’re okay and having a good time, but shouldn’t vacations be for doing things you don’t normally do in your everyday life?

Was glad the Arizona governor did the right thing by vetoing the anti-gay bill that passed, but I’d still never want to step foot in that state ever again and I never will. It’s no place for whites, gays or Jews.

If Google Analytics weren’t set up in such a complicated manner, I’d have known a lot sooner that I haven’t had any local visitors after all. If I have, they aren’t showing up. All those other browsers were actually showing every visitor within that time frame and not just local ones like I once thought. This would explain why TIP never saw them.

Starting to think Nane broke up with Askim. Why else wouldn’t she tell me what’s going on? She’s told me before when she’d overspend like crazy and was hard up for money, and she’s told me when she’s been ill.

Where the sun was shining brightly yesterday and the day before, today it’s all cloudy and wet.

Saw the eye Doc yesterday, and sure enough, the eye pressure is still up. They don’t like to see anything over 20 and since I’m still around 24 and 26 the doc recommended a specialist in Citrus Heights. The good news is that my optic nerve looked fine and I haven’t lost any field vision. My close-up vision hasn’t changed much over the last year, so I’m not going to renew my reading glasses. I’m more farsighted, though, so I have to get my bifocals changed out, which means I’ll be half-blind for a week and a half since I can’t see far away.

Last year he didn’t recommend treatment because it was the first anyone’s seen or heard of me having elevated pressure. But now the doc is ready to officially list me as having OH but can’t determine why or what to do about it, so I’ll be seeing an ophthalmologist soon enough. It may or may not be the beginnings of glaucoma, but worst-case scenario, all I’ll need are eye drops. As the doctor himself said, “If a drop in each eye before bed is all you need to keep from going blind, why not?”

I agree. But I’m also sick of having one thing lead to another. I was healthy for years with little more than allergies, cavities and ear troubles. Now I’ve got a bum thyroid, high cholesterol and possible glaucoma.

Later…

My 5 cavities – yes 5 – have been filled. Andy’s reaction to the number of cavities cracked me up. So glad it’s over, though! I thought I’d be there for a little over an hour, but instead, it took 2½ hours. A woman named Holly whom I never met before did the x-raying and cleaning. She was very talkative and friendly. She advised me to add regular floss to my waterpick routine cuz the waterpick gets around the gum area well enough, but not the contact area where the teeth touch each other. It’s just so hard to floss. My mouth is so small and I have a permanent retainer on the bottom. I think I may eventually have that removed, which they also recommended, so I don’t build up tartar in that area so easily. These days they can make an invisible retainer that I can leave in overnight. On the other hand, I’m not as appearance-obsessed as I used to be when I was younger. So what if my teeth shift and end up crooked? It’s the damn cavities I’m sick of getting.

Since brushing and water picking alone aren’t doing the trick with my overly soft enamel, the cleaning lady recommended prescription-strength toothpaste that costs $20, but lasts 6 or 7 months. It’s got much more fluoride in it than regular toothpaste and is a better guard against cavities. You only use a pea-sized amount before bed and you spit the excess out but don’t rinse it like regular toothpaste.

The fillings are $80 apiece but worth it cuz she uses a special porcelain material that lasts longer than regular fillings. They’re the color of my teeth too, and not silver.

After I was cleaned up I was moved to another spot where Shannon and the doctor began their numbing, drilling and filling routine, which seemed to take forever. Shannon mentioned visiting me some time so she can check out the rats, which they asked about. Did I tell them about the rats? Or did they overhear me telling Holly about them when she asked if I had pets? If they didn’t, maybe they visit my blog more than I realize. If someone’s got cookies disabled or goes through a proxy, I’m not going to know they’re there.

What was amazing was that Holly recognized my name from being featured in a magazine a few years ago. I was hired by mturk.com to do an article for Newsweek. Personally, I don’t even remember what it was about. They wanted me to rewrite something for them without paraphrasing. I worked for, and still do, different people who need articles created, edited or re-written altogether for magazines, websites or whatever.

Anyway, she doesn’t have a Kindle yet but I told her I was an Amazon author and all that and she said she’d look me up, and my blog, which can be linked to from Facebook, as I also told her.

Janet, the receptionist, loved my haircut. The others didn’t say anything about it, but she said it was adorable. Sure looks better straightened, too.

We noticed the doctor had a throw rug over white pine wood floors in the waiting room, and Tom said that this was what I thought I would prefer when we do laminate flooring at home since he knows I don’t like most darker colors. We both laughed when I told him Andy said, “White pine? Where’s the puke button?” Something about his blunt honesty cracks me up. We all agree these floors are HIDEOUS. I can’t wait to replace the damn thing. We could save a lot of money by installing linoleum tiles that you can cut with scissors, but we’d be lucky to have them last 5 years. Better to spend more money for better quality as with the dentist. I’m sure this latest round cost us around $400, and that we’ll hit the max deductible, but on the bright side, we get a tax break.

The doctor asked if I wanted to break it up into two appointments or do it all at once, and I opted to get it all over with at once. She agreed that’s what she thought would be best.

She said to let me know if I felt my bite was off once the numbness wore off and they’d get me in right away to adjust it, but it feels fine to me. Just a bit of gum and jaw soreness, which I took ibuprofen for. My gums bled a bit as my teeth were being scraped.

The name of the place is Waikiki Dental cuz the doc loves Hawaii as much as I do. We won’t be going first class, and we’ll get a $100 room instead of a $400 room, but we WILL be back in Maui someday! Before this year I’d have said I like to vacation in a different spot each time we vacation, which isn’t often, for variety. Not anymore. Yes, I love you, Maui! I’ll get back to you again someday even though we’re finally getting some real rain here.

Yeah, it’s almost like old times and I can actually see green out there, and not just a few scattered patches of it. It was so nice being able to get out of the car, step into the carport, and then into the house and onto a mat we only step on when coming and going. In the trailer, we had to walk through muddy gravel, then step onto a towel I had to remove as soon as we got our shoes off, cuz it, like with all other open areas there, was a high-traffic area and I didn’t want to get my socks wet. If there wasn’t an object present in a particular spot, then it was because we needed to walk through it. It wasn’t like this place that has some open areas and corners we rarely walk through. In the trailer, if it was there it was because we had no other place to put it.

Wow, I didn’t know Andy was once friends with Norma’s daughters as well. But he too, unfriended them for ignoring him. I could be way off base here, but I suspect they want people “within their league,” and that unless you’re a professional that makes good money, especially if you do anything they do, you’re considered less superior to them. At least that’s the impression I get. In other words failed author who works at home isn’t good enough for a therapist, a professor, or one who works for an attorney. So what if she’s accomplished enough, even as a “1950’s” homemaker that no husband other than Tom would stand for today?

Nane emailed me and said that whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and that she’s getting stronger. She never said what happened, though. The curiosity is a killer! Is she not telling me because it’s hard to talk about? Because she doesn’t trust me? Or because she gets off on leaving me wondering?

My nieces are in Florida now for a week with their beloved father. Let me guess, I will have to be insulted by pictures of the bastard, right? I know it’s nothing intentional on their part, but still… I hate having to see it or hear about the prick. I will unfollow them if it gets too much. It’s not the same as unfriending them. These two post the same old shit over and over and it really gets old. On top of that, they share practically everything the other one posts.

Later…

Created a Dreams journal on a site that allows for multiple journals. As in the kind of dreams I don’t have when I’m awake. As I was going through old journals I found that the number of dream premonitions, many of which I’d forgotten, is both shocking and creepy. I also couldn’t help but think, how did I miss this? You mean it really took till something like 2007 to realize I’m a dream premonitioner? But hey, that’s part of what a journal is for; so you can look back and see what you may not fully remember.

It’s been quieter today. Yesterday a truck was parked across the street moving furniture in and out and the bumps and bangs reminded me of attached living. But after an hour it left and I could feel like I was in the unattached house that I live in once again. I don’t miss having to deal with that and having to know it every time a neighbor in the duplex or apartments I once lived in long ago would shut a door, push back a chair, or close a cabinet. Forget about their music, TVs, voices, footsteps and other shit.

Our tentative plan in a couple of months from now is to have all the carpet ripped out of here and to just carpet the living and dining room with what may be pink or lavender since we won’t be doing the whole house. Then we will tear up these floors ourselves and install laminate flooring in something like a white pine. This will go better with things and I hate dark colors anyway. Maplewood, cherry wood, mahogany… yuck. I want something closer to white than brown.

Nane picked up my message on Facebook, so she’s at least alive and probably at work.

Getting up this morning was a real bitch after 7 hours of sleep. I wanted to get up at 6am, but was so exhausted I hit the snooze button twice. Finally, I just bumped the alarm up to 7am and got up 15 minutes later. Really hope I can crash earlier tonight to catch up! The 4th, when this latest batch of appointments will be over, can’t come fast enough. It isn’t just the stress of trying to sleep and get up at certain times I need a break from, but just the appointments themselves. The eye and ear appointments should be easy enough, but I hate getting drilled and filled by dentists, and of course the toe surgery’s got me nervous.

Tom reminded me that we need much less sleep when we’re in our 60s and 70s. Yeah, but I’m only 48, so this isn’t much consolation to me now, LOL.

Anyway, I’m sitting here with a touch-up dye job and the timer set. Once it dings I’ll hit the shower and get on with my day, cleaning, working out, working online, etc.

It’s to be in the low 70s today and tomorrow but then drop into the 60s and rain Wednesday through Friday.

Later…

Unfriended all 3 of Norma’s daughters on Facebook. Sorry, but they were just too Shelley-like, making you feel like they care and promising to keep in touch, but then acting like you’re total strangers. They’re relatives but not family. I don’t want to be just another name on one’s friend list. Other sites don’t matter but Facebook is different. That’s the one place I expect you to be for real. It irritates the hell out of me when people create accounts under bogus names. I can understand when some need to do so to avoid stalkers, but when you do it for other reasons it makes me wonder if you’re hiding something.

Funny how Andy’s not a relative but is family while Sharyn, Deb and Michelle are cousins but not family. The original plan was to wait till Norma died so as not to hurt her feelings when and if she notices I let her kids go, but not only is Norma bound to live forever at the rate she’s going, but I have a right to live my life, too. Sometimes we really have to do what’s best for us and not worry how others will take it. She saw the “warning” I posted just for her and her daughters’ viewing saying I was considering deleting those I don’t hear from anyway, and she “liked” it. I think they just felt bad for me when I lost my parents and bad for what they put me through, then remembered that they didn’t necessarily care for “crazy” Jodi. No hard feelings, though.

It’s a good thing I woke up on my own at 6:30 because I forgot to set the alarm. Where keeping a schedule was getting tough and my hours were jumping ahead way too fast, now it’s slowed down and gotten easier. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been trying an experiment Tom suggested. No lying down during the daytime. I would sometimes veg out for 5-10 minutes once or twice throughout the day in between tasks just to sort my thoughts or whatever, but now I must stay out of bed until at least 8 hours before I want to get up. Then I must stay in bed after that. No getting up to check my blog visitor list or email or anything like that. I can read, but I gotta stay in bed. This is to help keep me rested for the 4 appointments I will have over the next 8 days.

Got a message from Tammy after not hearing much from her and suspecting something was up. Sure enough, there is good news and bad news. The bad is that now she needs shoulder surgery. It’s arthritis-related, apparently.

She was telling me she had to take thyroid medication once (something other than what I’m taking), but only for 4 or 5 years. As I told her, though, the doctor told me I’d probably have to take my levothyroxine for the rest of my life. If I don’t my thyroid might eventually turn cancerous. I’ll probably always need the Simvastatin too, especially since I’m at a greater risk for heart disease.

I’ll probably always be big, but since starting the medication I’ve had fewer bouts of fatigue and it’s amazing how much better my ear is, too. The ear isn’t connected to the thyroid, though. The problem all along since leaving Arizona (not that I miss that shit state that loves you if you’re black, Indian, Asian and whatnot, but hates you if you’re gay, Jewish and sometimes just cuz you’re white) was the elevation in Oregon and the extreme dryness here. We’re on for rain again next week. Of course we are now that we’re smart enough to get a humidifier!

This area may be too dry and too cold in the winter, but it’s an ideal climate for runners. No extreme cold to have to deal with or snow and ice to have to dodge.

Anyway, where I’m excited for Tammy is that she and Mark have decided there’s nothing for them in Connecticut and are putting their house on the market in May or June and heading for Florida. She said it’ll be way smaller than they’re used to, but at least there they can do something any day of the year and will have lots of water all around them. They’re going to Stewart, I guess. Mark’s also been dealing with some serious shit at work, but hopefully their remodeling business will do well there. A 2600-square-foot house on a couple of acres is too much for them with all their medical problems.

She thinks the rats are hilarious. I’ve changed many people’s outlook on rats and will probably do so all my life. It’s pretty cool when one of the people who will never see rats the same again is your sister. Wild rats can carry diseases, yes, and they can be destructive little devils, but for the most part, they’re like gay people - picked on, shit on, misunderstood and ousted for no reason other than cuz they are who they are.

I was taking a shower, reached for my bath gloves, and next thing I know I’m wearing my wedding band again! It had come off when I last pulled the glove off. I’ve got to be more careful now that I’ve begun losing weight.

Had no trouble getting up when I wanted to today, even though I thought I would, and I haven’t had any bad dreams.

Don’t know if I’ll make my ear appointment, but my eyes, teeth and toe will be no problem.

Wish I had more to say but there’s really nothing else going on. I’m a little worried about Nane, though, but hopefully I’ll hear from her soon.

No thyroid surgery needed! Whew! But there were a couple of funny nodules on the left thyroid (though nothing to suggest an underlying malignancy at this time) that would explain why I got a “flash” of a bad vibe as she was rubbing the image scanner over that side of my neck. The negative vibe was gone almost as fast as it came. I mentioned it to Tom on our way out but wasn’t worried. Especially since I wasn’t having nightmares. Nightmares are my number one warning of trouble ahead.

Instead, I slept fantastically last night and had mostly weird dreams. Me talking to an imaginary friend in front of Tom, knowing he’d think I’d gone crazy. My dead dad wanting to buy me a parcel of land.

Anyway, I still have to take the medication, as Tom said, because I definitely will develop thyroid cancer in the future if I don’t. Without the medication the thyroid struggles harder to produce hormones it can no longer produce on its own. It would take years, but it would eventually sprout cancerous growths.

Significant weight loss is looking less likely but that’s okay. I’m big enough to keep perverts and other trouble away, but not so big I can’t bend over or anything like that.

Despite being glad to see the experts tell me everything’s fine even though my intuitive/psychic side said not to worry, I wish I could stop worrying as much as I do. I guess it’s just in my nature, though. I used to dwell on the past too much. Now I worry about the future too much. I think if I had to choose, it was better being stuck in the past because the past can never change or become any worse than it was no matter how much it may’ve been bad enough. But with the future… anything goes.

Later…

Andy and I got into it early (though we kissed and made up, LOL) about stupid shit we both misread. You know how it’s easy to read things into something online that isn’t even there. He thought I wasn’t buying his ability to pay his bills when I asked about his schedule, which has been different lately than I last knew it to be. If anything I thought business was booming so much that he had to cut back, not that he’d lost accounts. I believe what he tells me. If he told me that he could make himself invisible, jump 50 feet in the air, and run 100 MPH, then I’d have trouble believing him. Otherwise, there’s no reason for me to think anything he told me wasn’t true.

Then I got pissed cuz for the thousandth time he said I’d be working if I didn’t have Tom, sleep disorder or not. And for the thousandth time, I told him I would still be on disability and that I was terminated because I got married. I know what they told me. I was there. And I’m just telling him what they told me. It’s fucked up and totally unfair, but that’s the way the system is. Even more unfair is that I can’t get the benefits reinstated no matter how many doctors diagnose me because I didn’t work enough years to “qualify” between 1994 and now. How many times do I have to explain this to him? I asked myself in exasperation, but then I felt bad for accusing him of trying to irritate me in ways that he was in fact not.

So neither of us is perfect and we both make mistakes at times. I appreciate his being glad I forgave him and that he never wants to offend or lose me. I feel the same way. :) He’s like family to me, annoying at times or not. But hey, we all get annoying sometimes, even me.

Do I think I could’ve made it on my own had they cut me off for some other twisted reason if I hadn’t met and married Tom? Honestly? Knowing my body, no, I don’t think I could make it no matter what was at stake. I can go without sleep here and there but not every single day of my life. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out, though, and if I’m right, then maybe God really doesn’t give us more than we can handle. If this is true, then maybe part of why He blessed me with Tom was to save my ass cuz maybe they would’ve cut me for some other fucked up reason. They damn near killed us both by cutting his unemployment too soon in 2011, so why not? We’ll never know for sure and that’s ok with me! I’m just grateful that I have a husband that loves me enough to take care of me in ways that I can’t since the government will never give a shit about me any more than they do most folks.

First chance I get to sue them silly (if the laws ever change) and to get my benefits reinstated, I’m going for it! I don’t expect this to happen, but I’d fight for my benefits if I could. They’d probably only be 1 or 2 hundred bucks a month but that’s not the point. The point is that anyone who can’t work should be given disability checks regardless of marital status, age, race, color, sexuality, etc.

Do I still blame God just as much as those who have abused me? I do. We’d blame any friend or family member who didn’t come to our defense if someone was trying to harm us. Well, he not only didn’t come to my defense where my mother was concerned, but he also saw to it that she led a pretty decent life up until her final year or so. IDK, sometimes I’m not sure what to think or believe. I guess it depends on my mood and the situation at hand. It’s always easier to see the good in life when you’re in a good mood and things are going well. But when you’re in a shitty mood and everything’s going wrong, you tend to see nothing but evil.

Good mood, bad mood… I still can’t believe how evil and twisted Arizona is. A bill to allow the discrimination of ANY group is truly barbaric, wrong, insane and so dark ages. What’s scary is that this opens the door for more insanity. Really, what’s next? A bill that allows you to murder gays, Jews or whites because of your own personal warped religious beliefs? What is this world coming to? We favor blacks, we hate gays, and then we consider most everyone else “in the middle?” Texas used to be my most hated state, but Arizona sure changed that 14 years ago and then some more with their “Let’s Pick on Gays” bill. Even if I’d never ever been attracted to another woman in my life, I would still feel as disgusted and appalled by it as I do. I judge others based on their behavior and not their color or sexual preference, and I’m not going to apologize for how I feel, for to do so would be apologizing for being real.

Life would be close to perfect at least for me if I could just find my damn wedding band! I had just gotten into bed last night when I was hit with an image of the Robo vac sucking it up, but a search of the trash, which was where I emptied it out, turned up nothing. Nada. Niente. Nichts. :( It’s probably behind the bed unless the rats are hiding it.

Went into panic mode last night when I was still awake after being up for 20 hours. For some reason, I thought my appointments were the week after next, though one of them is. Next week is eye, teeth and toe and then next week it’s ear. The ear is iffy, but I’m bound and determined to make the other 3 no matter how much I am not looking forward to them. I still think my eye pressure will be down and my thyroid won’t have any funny growths if she can ever get around to posting my ultrasound results online, but I’m still nervous.

A part of me wanted to drop dead last night for the first time since 2011 when it looked like we’d lose it all. The thought of battling this type of sleep disorder for another 30 years or so and knowing there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it is truly overwhelming and depressing at times. Tom said to quit trying so hard and stop taking things to help me sleep. Might as well. They’re not doing me any good anymore anyway. Not the Benadryl, not the Melatonin, not the wine. What am I going to do when I get old, though, (if I live that long) and have to see doctors every week like most old folks do? How the hell am I going to handle that???

I hate the devil and God above and whatever the hell else may’ve cursed me with this debilitating issue that is more than I can handle at times. Please tell me I did something really horrible in a past life – I mean REALLY horrible – to deserve this shit! Meanwhile, I will not let Him/they/it/whatever win. I WILL get to at least the 3 appointments scheduled for next week, even though I’m sure that after getting up at 7:30 I’ll be up till 3am - 4am. Really I’m not even going to try to get to bed at a decent hour. It’s just that my schedule’s jumped nearly 8 fucking hours in just 2 days. That’s way fast for me. I can’t afford to keep going that fast because the appointments aren’t till the 25th, 26th and 28th.

I was almost ready to cancel all the appointments and even stop taking my meds. Why take cholesterol medication when I can just watch what I eat? Also, my thyroid condition isn’t life-threatening. Worst case scenario I just stop losing weight. I’ll probably naturally gain back the 4 pounds I lost anyway, even if I keep dieting and exercising. For me, it’s more a matter of how much I eat and not what I eat. I’m more likely to lose weight if I have 4 candy bars in a day than 2000 calories of fresh fish. Either way, without thyroid medication I can at least stay the same weight so long as I run. I will make a decision later on. Right now I have enough on my plate just getting to my appointments. Thank you, God, for making such simple everyday shit so damn hard for me and even downright impossible at times.

Later…

Thanks to Fuckbook now posting news headlines on newsfeeds, I get to see all the sorry shit going on in this world. Arizona passed a bill allowing the legal discrimination of gays. Only Arizona could do something that sick, but they sure love you if you’re black. Blacks, Mexicans, Indians and Asians are perfectly welcomed and favored there, but you’re fucked if you’re gay, Jewish or just plain white. You’re fucked even more if you’re dealing with non-white opponents in the courts, and yes, I’m speaking from firsthand experience and not just what I’ve heard others go through. See why I’ve come to hate that state so much, though? Really, I can’t believe I lived there for 12 years and 2 days. The thought of just placing a single toe into that state makes me pretty sick to my stomach.

Maybe God really does hate gays, though I honestly found it hard to believe that any God could hate any particular group as a whole. Why allow them to exist if He did? I don’t doubt for a millisecond, though, that He can hate individuals; I just don’t know why. Maybe if there is an afterlife He can tell me why he’s had it in for me for so much of my life… abused by my mother, then by the system, then thrown into poverty, and hopefully now He’s not gearing up to make me a medical whore. Still, God is like people.

People: If you don’t adore blacks you’re a real shit, but if you hate gays you’re so damn cool.

God: I’ll kill the innocent child with cancer or let mommy kill it in a fit of rage, but I’ll let the cold-blooded murderer walk and maybe even win the lottery.

Later…

Let’s see, aside from Arizona allowing people to use God/religion as an excuse to be legal bigots, I’m still in a foul and worrisome mood. Just got a lot more going on than I’ve had in a while and it’s not about fun submarine rides, warm beaches or a pleasant day here in the park. It’s I can’t sleep and I wanna stop having so many damn doctor’s appointments! I read that apples give you the same energy caffeine does, so I had an apples-and-cream fruit cup upon waking up and it did seem to perk me up a bit. I’m still tired for the most part, though, but just like always I’m sure I’ll wake right up come evening time. I’ll be up till around 2am - 3am and need to be up by 8am. So another night of fewer than 8 hours of sleep for me. Want me to be a little street bum instead, God?

I got up at 4am, exhausted as hell with barely 4 hours of sleep, which is like 4 minutes to me, and Tom was filling the humidifier’s water tanks. That’s when I looked up and saw a wasp inside the panels of the kitchen’s drop-down ceiling. Must’ve come in through the stove vent. There was a dead one there when Tom cleaned that vent. sighs Sometimes I wish I could stand to live in an apartment or condo toward the top of a high-rise. Fewer bugs, less traffic noise if we were high enough, no yard work… But the yard work helps Tom keep active since he doesn’t run like I do, so he doesn’t mind too much.

When Tom pointed out that I could easily make next week’s appointments if I start with getting up at 8am and slowly inching forward, I went back to bed till 7:30. I was surprised to beat the alarm by even the half-hour I beat it by, but like I said, I’m sure tonight will be worse and tomorrow even harder. It’s after 11pm now and I’m dragging in a fog. By 6pm - 7pm I’ll spring to life and be wide awake. I know myself.

Despite how out of it and frustrated I feel, I was glad to learn that Eileen did get my postcard from Hawaii after all, and I also got a letter from my Italian dad. He’s got high blood pressure and his kidneys aren’t doing too well, but is otherwise keeping busy with the business. He says that’s what keeps him from moving to a nicer climate.

Hearing him mention the “young” 41-year-old who’s been helping him out put a smile on my face. He said he’d marry her if she wasn’t so young and that for him they’re either too young or too old, LOL.

He said he’d never have the guts to go in a submarine. Yeah, I suppose there is some risk to that. If the thing had flooded at 130 feet down, well… But it probably wouldn’t have been instantaneous and we probably could’ve swum to the top. Still, I’m glad it didn’t and that we didn’t have to find out for sure if we could make it or not.

Heard from C, after all. He said he’s not on Facebook much. He’s smart and I don’t blame him.

sighs I want to go lie down for a bit and rest, but am afraid I may fall asleep. Ain’t life grand? I gotta worry about falling asleep when I DON’T want to, and struggle to fall asleep when I DO want to. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. Not kill myself or anything like that, but simply cease to exist.

What other stupid shit are people up to in the news these days? Oh yeah, an artist smashed a million-dollar vase in Miami in protest of it showing off only international artists. What a dumb-ass thing to do. Really, why spend years in prison and pay a shitload of money in fines when you can simply not bother with that museum and find one that will showcase your artwork? Then again, keeping in mind how twisted the laws are, maybe nothing much will happen to him. You know how it is… steal thousands of dollars, beat someone up, and you’ll get shit for it. Write down that your personal opinion of someone who’s not gay, though, and you’re screwed.

Later…

Now I have one more reason to be upset; I lost my wedding band. Funny cuz the woman who last lived here lost hers, too. What, does this house have something against married women? I only take it off when putting lotion on my feet, so it’s got to be either by this desk or by the bed. It can’t fall off cuz I’m too fat for it to do so, which is one of the reasons I don’t mind staying big.

If it was on the desk and fell off, the rats might’ve gotten it. The problem with rats is that they’re kleptos and they would have hidden it somewhere. I checked all the places they could hide it in… around the bed, around the desk, then said to myself, “Stop. Just stop. This is stupid. You know you never find things when you’re looking for them.”

So, I’ll stumble upon it when I least expect it. Like I said, it’s got to be here somewhere. At the same time, I fear I’ll never find it. If I had to guess, though, I probably will find it by accident someday.

Both my long and short-term memories are going to hell so badly that I can’t remember the last time I had it on, but I know it was a day or two ago, three at the most.

So Kathy sent Alison a message on Facebook accusing her of harassing her and Kim from “Rina Tina’s” account, which she promptly blocked without answering. I’d have done the same. As she said, she wouldn’t dignify her accusations with a defense. I guess Kathy also thinks one of us wanted to friend her from a fake account, but as she also said, cruel sounding or not, she’s a stay-at-home mom who no doubt spends all day updating every single trick her fat brat has learned and posting tons of “cutsie” pics. She’s not interested in that any more than I am.

Everywhere I go people’s kids are practically shoved down my throat with their unrestrained antics. Do I need to deal with this shit at home and in cyberspace, no thanks! So if she had to dump me, she picked a great time to do it.

As I told Aly, though, I refuse to mention her, Kim or Molly in my blog. They simply don’t exist for me anymore and that’s the way I’m going to keep it whether or not I exist for them.

It’s hard to say if I do or not. There have been no Austin or Brownwood visitors, which would mean Molly or Kathy were nosing in it, but Kim likes to hide, so I can’t say if she’s following me. I had my first Ask account wide open for a week, but nothing came in, so if Kim wasn’t interested in me there, it’s hard to believe she’d be interested in my tweets and blogs. Depends on how paranoid and delusional she truly is.

Later…

Got lost on the way to the medical plaza, but got there in time for my ultrasound once we finally found the Diagnostic Imaging section. I guess in a day or two I can access my results online, which will hopefully not include anything suspicious.

Last night I had disturbing dreams, slept later than I wanted to, and then I woke up to find I hadn’t lost any more weight.

It was one of those old “find enough money for another night in the hotel or go homeless” dreams, only this was a nice hotel with lots of water around it. Hawaii? Florida? Wherever it was, I hated that feeling of utter helplessness I had as Tom and I scurried around the grounds trying to figure out what to do.

At one point during the dream, I was in the room when the housekeeper knocked on the door. We brought our Robo vac of all things and I told her to hang on a moment while I stopped and hid the thing. When I opened the door, she goes, “What are you, high?”

Not bothering to hide how offended I was, I said, “No, I’m crying.”

Then I thought of calling my dad who was still alive and still at the number we had when I was a kid.

I was up forever yesterday and knew I had to catch up and that another day of fewer than 8 hours of sleep would really make me feel all yucky and useless. So I slept 2 ½ hours later than I’d have liked to, but will make myself get up earlier tomorrow no matter what. Yeah, this time around it seems much harder to control my schedule, but I don’t have enough time to flip it either. So in order to avoid getting too run down, I’ll catch up every other day which will be the days I’ll work out.

Later…

Wondering if C’s ignoring the message I sent him yesterday saying hi. Haven’t communicated since August and sometimes I wonder why. Because I haven’t donated lately? Something I said?

I wish Andy weren’t home so damn much. He only works something like 20 hours a week and is almost always online. Can’t he go out more to exercise and lose the weight he wants to lose instead of staying home complaining he’s 235 pounds and how hard it is to tie his shoes and wipe his ass? I know I don’t have to respond the instant he checks in on Ask, but still, if he must be home so often, I wish he’d be busy with other things more often than he is. If I ignore him for too long I start to feel guilty.

Later…

After today we’re going to be in the low 70s for several days. I still miss Maui. I’d rather the drought from hell than snow, but at least some patches of green are now visible here and there. The cherry and apple trees began blooming a week or two ago and are so beautiful. Mid-February through April is the prettiest time here. It doesn’t compare to the beauty of Maui or most other tropical locations, but it’s the most colorful time for NorCal even though we have flowers year-round here. The only problem with the cherry and apple trees is that they’re so ugly in the summertime. They turn a deep plum/maroon color that’s dull as hell.

Ran down a street I never ran through when running and found the road a bit beat up and the houses there to be more cramped and dumpier. I guess the older section is close to the office, which makes sense. They probably set up homes starting in that area before expanding outward. Clearly, those were homes built in the 70s. I still can’t believe we’re in an 80s home, though most of the ones around us are 90s and newer. Anyway, I made the run in the same 22 minutes I made it yesterday. I really should stay out longer for around 30 minutes. It’s just that I like the idea of passing the same houses only once where each step I take is truly unique. Doubling back adds time to the run, but I don’t get to see something new with every step I take.

Yesterday’s stop at Raley’s after the ultrasound was a waste of time and money. I got a high-cholesterol meal I forgot I shouldn’t be having (bacon-wrapped scallops) and that was rather high in calories, too. I also got some wine coolers thinking they’d help relax me enough to fall asleep faster, but they’re not helping much anymore. Maybe I’ve built up a tolerance for them and all they’ll bring me from now on is extra calories I don’t need.

I see a lot of people are disturbed about a spanking bill that’s been passed. I can understand their problem with it, and violence never solves problems, be it a little slap or a hard punch and kick, but something’s gotta be done. Something. Kids today are simply way out of control. If the parents aren’t going to teach them manners, respect, consideration and discipline, then it must fall upon the teachers to do so. Children are tomorrow’s future. Do we really want a bunch of unruly, selfish animals running the world at some point?

I can’t even go to the store without some kid screaming in my ear. Even in the waiting room of the medical center, a toddler was running up and down the hallways. An adult was with it, but still, that’s not the place to exercise your brat.

Later…

Nane told me she had big-time personal problems, was a little burned out, was drinking wine, and going to sleep early. That’s all she said. She didn’t give me any details. Is it money problems? Health problems? Askim problems? I’m guessing money or health. Maybe it’s connected to her job, but if it is, that could also be connected to money if she’s on the verge of being let go. Maybe she’ll tell me what’s going on some time.

Slept less than 8 hours and was exhausted when the alarm went off. Not liking the idea of having to play alarm for 13 more days to get through this next batch of appointments, so I’m thinking I’ll let myself catch up tomorrow, then hold my schedule at whatever time I get up for the next few days. That way it won’t jump so much so fast.

Dropped another two-tenths and got up at 148.2 pounds which would’ve been about 147.8 had I slept as long as I needed to.

Today’s my ultrasound. They wanted to do it yesterday evening at 7:15, but that was too late for both of us. No bad dreams suggesting any suspicious growths, but I did have a weird dream where I looked in the mirror and saw a different face. Instead of a full face with green eyes and brown waves, I had an absolutely humungous face with little sunken round black eyes and black spiral curls.

Anyway, I’m hoping to find the energy to run a bit today, but will probably just end up lazing around. Vacuumed the whole house yesterday and didn’t have to lift a finger. The slave did the back of the house, charged up at the charging station, then did the front.

Some older guy shot up an SUV of black teens blasting music. It’s about fucking time, regardless of the SUV’s occupant’s age/color! Maybe now they’ll start considering making it illegal or at least make some of these assholes think before forcing such maddening chaos on others. Mr. Dunn is my hero and I’m sorry he has to spend 20-60 years in prison. He doesn’t deserve that. Blasting those fuckers isn’t much different than literally getting in one’s face while screaming at the top of your lungs. Get in someone’s face unnecessarily and without provocation and some people just might react. Really, I still cannot understand how some people can treat others as they do and then get all offended when the person finally reacts. I still don’t feel a shred of guilt for the words I wrote on paper no matter what any laws say and I never will. The sickos were as crazy as they were rude if they expected me/Tom/us/others not to react, and I think they’ll never know how lucky they were that it was just words on paper cuz I’m sure most would’ve taken it a step further than that after so many years of unasked-for abuse. In fact, I’m sorry I didn’t do more. As fucked as the laws are it probably would’ve gotten me less time than my offensive but harmless reaction got me.

Later…

Ran 1.5 miles at a little over 3 MPH in 22 minutes. Really wish others who are out walking or running at the same time would just ignore me as we pass each other. I’m deaf in one ear and the other has an earbud blaring in it! Let me guess, though, I’m a snob for not always stopping to chat, right? And if I did stop, I’d be nosy, right?

Yeah, as I’ve learned, we’re never universally accepted. Someone’s always got a problem with us no matter what we do. There’s this song – I forget what it’s called or who it’s by – that says, “If you don’t lose weight, you’re just fat. If you do, you’re on crack. So you might as well do what you want.”

If I talk about myself, I’m selfish. If I talk about others, I’m a gossiper. People get on me to be more sociable, but what if I was? If I were a regular little social butterfly how many people would be quick to tell me, “You really oughta spend more time alone and not depend on others so much for fun and entertainment.”

I am amazed people aren’t quick to critique me for running. LOL, why not? They pick on everything else? So if sitting around means I’m lazy, does working out mean I’m running from demons or something?

If I don’t ask about someone, then I don’t care. If I do ask, then hey, it’s none of my business!

At 5:30 I felt a little more awake after food and a shower, but I’m still pretty tired and it’s only 10am. My appointment isn’t for 5 hours. :( The good thing is that I can stop this anytime. Anytime I get sick of all the appointments and whatnot, I can put my foot down and say, “No more!” It’s wonderful knowing that no evil mother, institution or law enforcement is making me do this. I wasn’t kidding when I finally took back my life in 2003 and promised myself I’d never again be treated like a child and slave to any person or system.

The “dream people” told me the night before last that Andy’s neighbor had a baby boy. He confirmed this to be correct when he got up, Jaime Jr. I knew she had a kid, just not what gender till I had the dream.

Now thinking the 4 “skinny” dreams I had were in regards to the discovery of my broken down thyroid and the pills that are now kicking in and giving me the results one SHOULD get from diet and exercise. I don’t remember all of them but in one dream I was in the tub, looked down at myself, and saw I was thin. I don’t want to just be thin, though, I want to be fit. :) Non-cardio days are strength-training days.

The medication has gone beyond helpful and into being close to a miracle. Funny too, cuz I always swore there was no “magic” pill. Well, this has been close enough. I slacked off on both diet and exercise before the trip, and of course the pills don’t kick in right away, then shot up to 152.8 pounds and now I’m down to 148.4. Ideally, I’d like to reach 110, but 120 is probably more realistic. Who knows, though? Maybe I’ll stop getting results at 140 and will be stuck there, though I’d rather that than the 150s.

Our savings is the lowest it’s been in over a year, which sucks big time. We’re not in danger of struggling but we do need to go easy on the spending. We’ll probably still get the dishwasher in a few weeks but will go slow on the rest of the home improvements. We’re IN the damn house and that’s most important than trying to get in one, shitty carpet or not, in the first place. Instead of doing all the carpets and floors in one day, we decided to see if we could get a cheaper place like RC Willey to remove all the carpet but only re-carpet the living room, dining room, and then down the hallway. That way we can move the beds, dressers and desks into the kitchen and bathroom. Then, as time and money permits, we will install new flooring ourselves in the kitchen, baths, bedrooms and laundry room. Cheap carpet is fine for what’s just two adults.

I feel bad for Andy and grateful that next door isn’t attached to us like his neighbor is who just had a baby. When he said he could hear the mother cooing to it, that pretty much told me how thin the walls are unless she coos unusually loud. Sure enough, he can hear the thing when it cries. I reminded him that in a few years, he could check into a retirement community, but he insists that’s his permanent home till he’s either dead or sent to a nursing home.

I was dumping our recyclables when Virginia walked by and asked me how I liked my Hawaiian vacation. She’s been there too, and also loved it. I thanked her for putting our trash out while we were gone. She said Bob thought to do so when he was out walking.

Then she said something like waiting for what was the most family she ever had visit, and I thought to myself, great, just great. Just what I need when my schedule’s where it’s at. But even though there were 5 or 6 vehicles there, I never heard a damn thing. I’d never have known they were there had I not looked out the window and seen all the cars. Tom said there were 3 cars there yesterday too, one with Washington plates, the others with in-state plates. I think she said something about a son in from Denver.

Had someone had all that company in the mainstream there would’ve been car stereos, horns honking, kids running up and down the driveway screaming, barking dogs, lots of shouts and laughter from the adults, music coming from the house, and God knows what else. I did, however, swear the vibration of a car door slamming shut woke me up for a few minutes at 8:30, but it could’ve been anything. It could’ve been someone going too fast over the speed bump in back or just a dream. I know I had a dream about being in a house that was laid out similar to the one we had in Phoenix. Tom was on the couch and I looked out the living room when I heard voices and saw a kid’s bike sitting in front of a car parked in their driveway.

I also had a dream my cousin Phillip owed Tom $300 for work he did for him and I was pissed cuz he wouldn’t pay up.

Later…

Andy and I were talking about how he’s just as obsessed with celebrities as I am with trying to get this damn weight off (which I now have a feeling is going to reset itself back to where it was no matter what I do or how properly I take the medication), and it’s true, we are kind of obsessed with these issues. I think everyone has something they’re hung up on.

“At least I’m talking about someone else,” he tells me, “and it’s not all me, me, me.”

Ah, but if I appear selfish it’s for a good reason, I assure you, and the answer’s very simple. I simply don’t feel it’s my place to publicly air out the lives of others unless they specifically tell me it’s ok to do so. Different people are more private than others and I try to use my best judgment as to what I say about each particular person I know. Celebrities are one thing because they’re public figures, and I told him this, but my friends and family are different.

If I don’t like you then I’m less likely to respect your privacy. That doesn’t mean I’ll divulge sensitive info or deliberately bash you with the intent of offending or embarrassing you, it just means I’m less likely to hold back on expressing my feelings and opinions where you’re concerned.

Meanwhile, if someone tells me a secret I feel obligated to keep that secret both on and offline. So in case any of you are wondering why I don’t always discuss others, now you know.

Down 4.2 pounds and it sure is nice to once again have a body that can burn calories! Was out running at 3am for a half hour and took a slightly different route. I ran down the front gate the way I usually do by sticking to the park’s perimeters, then before I actually reached the gate, I swung left and to the office. From there I took the route I use going to and from the pool back to the house. It’s a good route for in the middle of the night, but not in the daytime when there’s more traffic. Sticking to the outskirts means I only have two streets to cross and no driveways to pass in which people could be backing up into me. It must’ve rained while I slept because the roads were all wet. It made it easier to see, though, cuz the streetlights made them shiny.

My quad muscles weren’t quite healed so now I went and made them worse again by not taking a second day off from running, but oh well. I’m addicted to running and now that I can get the results one should get from dieting and exercise I’m even more motivated. So far I haven’t had to diet that hard. I don’t have to go to 1000 calories or lower like I used to. I can have 1200-1500, so it’s nice not to feel so damn hungry all the time. There was one day it got a little hard and I had to eat extra, but I still lost!

I see what the doctor meant by saying the pills won’t make me lose weight. They just make it possible to do so. If I sat on my ass and stuffed myself I wouldn’t lose anything.

Just like learning languages is like a fun game to me to see how many words I can learn, it will be a fun game of sorts to see how many pounds I can lose, though I know that the more I lose, the harder it will get.

Had an interesting run yesterday morning. It’s amazing how many people are up so early, even before the sun comes up. First I damn near tripped on a sprinkler and killed myself, then the turkeys went off from down in the ditch and scared the shit out of me that’s how loud they are. Then I passed by a lady walking her dog with a muzzle on. It was trying so hard to bark and what sound did come out sounded so fucking funny I had to run even faster to keep from bursting out laughing and freaking the dog out even more, LOL.

First time hitting the open road since before the vacation and now my quad muscles are killing me. I thought that after all the activity in Hawaii and then using the treadmill I’d still be in shape for the road. Wrong! Oh well, today I’ll just work my arms and abs and tomorrow I should be fine for hitting the road again.

Down another two-tenths of a pound, but still can’t say the thyroid pills are helping just yet. Weight loss is so gradual that you really need to lose more than a few pounds to know much of anything. I should definitely know more in another week.

Hope Andy has a great birthday today! I told Tom what he said he had for breakfast yesterday and we were laughing. Not in a bad way of course, but eggs, 4 pieces of toast, 2 bananas and 2 glasses of juice?! That’s a LOTTA food! That’s gotta be about 800-1000 calories, so a pretty big breakfast you could say. I couldn’t eat that much if I were starving and Tom said he’s lucky if he can eat 1 banana in a day cuz they make him so gassy. I could do the eggs, 1 or 2 pieces of toast, 1 banana and 1 juice, but that’s all in one sitting. Huge amount of food or not, I’m sure it was delicious and that’s all that matters, no matter how funny it may seem to me. :)

Sarah sent a brief thanks-for-the-gifts message. No “I really like them” or “they’re a nice color” or “they’ll go well with my new dress,” and nothing at all from Becky. Hope they’re not disappointed in them, but if they are they’re not going to say so. I don’t see why Tammy wouldn’t like the puppy I sent her, but does Becky not like her shell necklace or is she just ungrateful? Guess I’ll never know.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day, she posted that “love stinks.” LOL, yeah, if I looked like her I’d probably say the same thing, poor kid.

Later…

Looked at Doctor C’s pics again and again I really liked what I saw. If someone showed me pics of her doing handstands on beaches in bikinis and parading around in sexy costumes at parties, then told me she’d be my doctor, I don’t know if I’d be more alarmed or intrigued, haha.

She’s a hottie for a light-eyed blondie. Almost in a model-ish sort of way. She’s the type that stays thin and lovely all through life. She rarely wears nail polish or even makeup, but she’s so beautiful naturally that she doesn’t need it.

Not so sure anymore that she’s dating that black guy. She seems to be a very happy, upbeat, outgoing social butterfly with friends from every different race and nationality on earth. She’s shown appearing to be just as chummy with other men and women, especially this small Asian chick. There was even a pic of them gazing lovingly at each other with the caption “girl love,” so I don’t know what to think. She’s definitely childless and isn’t married, though.

Anyway, she may have a drab mop on her head and dull eyes, but oh, that body, that height and that gorgeous smile! Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like not to be me. What if I was that tall, that beautiful, that normal?

The account doesn’t appear to have been updated since last August, so who knows if she got my message, or if Facebook even let it get to her in the first place.

Finally saw the movie Eden, about the true story of a young girl who was kidnapped and forced into prostitution. But it made no sense. The girls had plenty of opportunities to escape and cry for help but never took advantage of it. Neither did they consider the fact that there were about 30 of them but just a few captors. Why didn’t they all jump and attack them and then get the hell out of there?

Went into my first my-diary account to check something and was amazed to see it’s been shared to Google 23 times, shared once on Facebook, and tweeted twice.

Dropped another two-tenths of a pound but that’s only because I slept forever. Still don’t know how much the thyroid pills are affecting me just yet, but whether or not I lose anymore over the next week will tell me.

I sure have been dreaming a lot about the ocean since returning from Maui. I think I even swam in a lake at some point, too. Never really cared for lakes. My German hottie, who wished me, Tom and the ratties a happy Valentine’s Day with a cute rat pic, was in one of the dreams. She sounded English, LOL.

This isn’t a complaint but just an observation instead. I’ve noticed that a few of my friends and I seem to be total duplicates while others seem to be exact opposites when it comes to our likes, dislikes, habits and our ways of thinking and doing things. I’m like wow, can two people really be that similar or dissimilar?

In regards to my entry about being unsure as to what to believe in as far as unearthly sources go, someone said, “That’s a reasonable outlook. A person’s beliefs are such a personal thing and definitely something to give some deep thought. The world would be a better place with karma doing its job. But I just can’t believe in it for so many reasons. Interesting entry!”

Yeah, just seeing how good my abusive mother had it up until her final year of life alone is enough to make me doubt karma.

Good people often have it rough. Bad people often have it sweet and fine. Alison may not be perfect, and she’s the first to admit this, but I know her well enough to say with certainty that she’s a decent person overall. Sure enough, though, she’s still medically cursed. When she had that abscessed tooth she bit a hole in her tongue and her gut feeling says she’ll have to have surgery on it. :(

I vaguely remember a dream where Michelle performed a “preliminary” ultrasound of my thyroid and might’ve urged me to check into it. Hopefully, that’s not a bad sign cuz there is a possibility of it having goiters, which could turn cancerous. If that’s the case then they need to remove the damn thing.

Now down 3.2 pounds but since I could always lose a few pounds I’m still not 100% sure the pills are helping. I need another week or two to know for sure. If things are still the same then my weight will go into reset mode within the next week. Meanwhile, I’m still running, crunching and lifting.

Andy said I might want to delete my vacation pics someday. No way! That was the BEST vacation I ever had and I love those pics. He said his mother said that unless he’s in it, people don’t want to see scenery pics, yet everyone else who’s seen the album loved the green grass and mountains, the coconut palms, the resort, the beaches, and the sea, both under and on the water. Besides, I’m still huge and ugly. Why would anyone want to see pics of me?

Sam’s Clubs gives out free gifts for you taking the time to watch the presentations they do, and they gave Tom a cleaning shammy the last time around. It’s a super-soft cloth and it did an excellent job of eliminating streaks from mirrors with no water or chemicals whatsoever.