As far as the horses go, I have a feeling they’re going to be a black-or-white situation. The end results will either make just a few extra bucks here and there or a ton of money. We won’t be millionaires, but I think if it works out, it’ll make more than when he was working.

I want to eventually get one of my larger dolls this cute little rainbow skirt for newborns I found on Amazon so I can slip the ends of the onesies I’ve got inside it, making them appear like tees.

Dug up some dirt on the honker. He was in Canada from the 18th to the 28th and told me they had no power for two days when we were on our way out to CVS the other day.

They returned with a couple with two kids. The couple was chatting with an old couple that lives halfway down the street in front of us. So even their visitors know people here?

They’ve been quiet. Just a couple of screams and some door slamming. No motorcycle rides but the honker wasted no time getting right back to his cleaning obsession and cleaned his truck.

The honker’s wife left a message in the group saying UPS delivered a package on the 19th but it’s nowhere to be seen. I told her what our camera can/can’t see and said we didn’t spot a recording of a UPS truck then. Too many damn clips to go through. She thanked me for checking.

It was nice to see Toni out and about. She was in her electric wheelchair and from what I could see, she was watering some plants.

Redneck is getting carried away with letting the damn dog bark. I’m just so glad we’re not in the corner house next to his driveway! I don’t know if he and his buddies get drunk or are just loud but they sit out there (playing cards?) and I can hear random shouts and laughter. It’s no biggie, though. I can drown them out almost as easily as I can the planes with air cleaners and fans. I’d rather them than the planes. They’re not out there 18 hours a day. But I’d hate to have that shit right outside the wall of my place!

So the honker got arrested for assault while off duty in 2011. No details were given as to who was involved or what it was about. I’m sure he was only in custody for five minutes and that was it.

It kind of irked me to find that he made 140k a year when he was working. Like Tom was any less deserving and didn’t work as hard? Also, I guess Canada isn’t much more private than the US with people’s personal business as I don’t think people should be able to look up someone’s income. It’s not exactly their business, is it? However, I wasn’t looking for that specifically.

I guess the pigs there are commonly referred to as constables rather than officers. A pig is a pig to me. They’re all the same. Mostly, anyway. Aggressive beings with a job that enables them to feel powerful. I can picture him getting into a fight too. They each got “minor injuries” the article said. Gotta laugh at the thought of creating a fake FB account to tell him, “I told all your neighbors of your arrest, north and south.” But of course, I don’t dare. With my luck, he’ll somehow find out I was behind the account!

Finally saw the Kyle Rittenhouse video, and no wonder he got off. He didn’t do anything but defend himself. I guess where people are pissed is because they think he used the potential riots as an excuse to hunt blacks that he hoped would give him a reason to shoot them. I still think somebody’s gotta take a stand to protect innocent people and businesses when the assholes are fixing to riot.

Although it was totally worth it, I ate so much yesterday that I nearly threw up. Tom was full as hell too.

Carol gave me Kim’s email address. Kim’s only allowed to use her smartphone for emailing a few friends, YouTube, and playing games. No social media or signing up for things. She says she’s okay with that because she mostly did that for Aly and I anyway and didn’t get much attention from anyone else. Gee, I wonder why! I’m sure I’ll be in for the usual long, rambling, repetitious messages, but that’s okay because I can always take my sweet time in replying.

On the road headed for Tampa. It’s so nice to be back in the 70s the way it should be here in the winter. We got as high as 80 degrees today. It was so fucking cold last weekend! Got down to 28 degrees and was only 40 degrees at 2:00 in the afternoon.

The only good in the cold was that I slept better.

The abundance of snowstorms canceled tons of flights. Before we left for Tampa, the skies sounded like things were back to normal with planes every 5-10 minutes.

Yesterday we got a couple of cute electronic whiteboards. They’re geared toward kids since one has a pink frame and the other has a blue one. They also came with a couple of sheets of stickers, one with unicorns, the other with dinosaurs. Having no use for them, I immediately thought of Andy and sent them to him. He likes to decorate homemade cards with them

Anyway, the whiteboards are great for quickly jotting down times, dates, and things we want to do. I’m using mine now for journal notes so I can catch up on the way down and back.

I also got some large clips for sectioning my hair when dyeing it, and cedar blocks that were a complete waste of money. I put them in drawers and closets, but they don’t leave my clothes smelling of cedar. I can only smell the cedar if I hold the blocks to my nose.

A company in China sent a thing via postal mail promising a $25 Amazon GC in exchange for leaving a review on the wireless earbuds we got from them. So we’ll see if they’re for real or not soon enough.

The dill I planted is sprouting! It grows noticeably bigger each day. It’s so cool to see it pop up like that from tiny little seeds. I didn’t think I’d get anything to grow. I’m taking pics of it every day to see its day-by-day growth.

We’re about 20 minutes away, although I don’t expect the test to show anything bad. Just a little worried about the stuff that will be injected into me but at least I’ll be in a medical building.

I still have tummy issues at times, but not like it was in November. Been feeling better physically and emotionally but I’m sure that’s only because I’m on days and hypo again. Doubt I’m over 10 but doubt I’m under 6. Still can’t keep from wondering if something doesn’t want me to have a normal metabolism or if it really is just random chance. If it is by design, why? To keep me from losing weight? Well, whatever the case may be, I’ll never be in the normal range and feel good, therefore, I’ll never lose weight. My body just can’t handle being normal. It’s so fucking frustrating because there’s such a fine line between helpful and hurtful with this drug between the dosage and waiting time. If I only knew the exact dose and waiting time that would get me the lowest number I could stand!

Back a couple of hours later. The HIDA scan was easier than I thought. We got there 20 minutes early. The car went from having 48 miles to 8 miles in its range and this is with no AC. It was 66 degrees out at the time, so all we needed was the fan. We’re now sitting at the charger for a half hour and then it’s off to Red Lobster!

I almost wish I hadn’t put my blog addies in my paper journal cover. Would love to “lose” it in the clubhouse when it’s full and see if it was mentioned in the group. LOL.

Anyway, I was called in right away and Tom was with me. A woman stuck an IV connector in my arm and injected me with the radioactive stuff. Leaving the connector in, she had me wait in a smaller, inner waiting room.

It was freezing in there, so she gave me a blanket. I thought I was going to have to change into a gown but nope. A half-hour later, she came and got me and had me lay on a long, thin bed. She slid the bed down toward a tube-like thing. Then she lowered a large square plate over my stomach. It was almost a foot above it. Then she wheeled these long little trays with pillows up by my sides to rest my arms on. I could breathe normally but had to lay still for about 15 minutes. Then she injected me with a drug to make the gallbladder contract. She hung the bag with the solution on an ivy rod by the bed to slowly drip through. Luckily, I didn’t have any cramps or nausea. This took another 20 minutes.

Someone is now asking Tom about electric cars and chargers.

Back again. Red Lobster was SOOO good! First time we’ve been to one in about a decade or maybe more. I don’t think we went to one while we lived in Citrus Heights. I think our last time was actually when we were in Auburn. It wasn’t the madhouse every single one we went to in California and Arizona was either. The music was a little loud but that’s everywhere.

He’s not a fan of seafood, so he got a burger. I got a lobster tail with perfectly fried shrimp and fries that were just okay. My Caesar salad was delicious, but I didn’t want to eat too much of that or their cheddar biscuits so I would have enough room for my meal. Still ran out of room anyway, so have to take the rest home. Just the shrimp and leftover biscuit, not the fries. I hate old soggy fries.

Tom has been taking more naps lately because his aging bladder has been shorting his sleep, LOL. He can no longer go more than six hours without peeing. So when he gets too backed up, he naps more to make up for the lost sleep. No wonder old folks nap so much! I just miss being able to simply pee and be done with it. Instead, it takes so long when you’re older. They need to come up with a way to extend the bladder’s elasticity later in life.

His essential tremor has been worse too. He used to have good days and bad days, but now they’re all bad days. It hasn’t affected his daily functioning yet and I hope it never does. It’s just a pain in the ass when he’s doing something where he needs to have a steady hand. I’m guessing he may one day have to take medication for it.

Finished watching I Am a Stalker and now I’m watching I Am a Killer when I’m not watching movies.

Not remembering many dreams lately. Had one where we were living in an apartment on the first floor. I could hear a woman talking to someone at the door next to us. I could also hear footsteps overhead. Not knowing if the woman was going door to door and might knock on ours next, I went in search of a pair of shorts since Tom wasn’t home and all I had on was a T-shirt. I went through stuff but came up empty. We’d just moved in and our furniture had been bought from consignment shops. I got the impression from the dream that we didn’t have much money and he was working.

The toilet was in a corner of the bedroom and in full view with no wall or door around it. As I bent down to go through some clothes on the floor, I noticed two small drawers in the side of the toilet’s base. I pulled one out and found a large plastic bottle that I first thought contained pills. But then I wasn’t sure what it was and decided to leave that and the other items for when Tom returned.

Decided to do an entry today, but then I’ll probably stop writing and save it for the long trip down to Tampa on Friday. Had my first video meeting with my new therapist Helen yesterday and it went well. A little confusing meeting her at first because I thought I was going to be able to see her on my desktop like I could with my old doctor. Instead, I was only able to see her on my phone, but that’s fine.

She appears to be in her late 50s to early 60s. She has a good balance between listening and talking. So far I’ve mostly given her a basic timeline of my life events and described how I feel on and off these days. Initially, we’re going to meet once a week for 90 minutes. Meeting and scheduling appointments online makes it so much easier!

I woke up to find she wanted me to fill out a couple of forms on the portal. They’re similar to the ones Galileo has that assess your emotional state over the last two weeks and how much it impacts your day-to-day life.

Didn’t know that the body literally absorbs trauma! There’s a book she recommended called The Body Keeps the Score. I guess traumatic events literally get stored in our muscles, tissues, organs, and pretty much everything. She says she thinks she can help me and I hope she means it because I’d hate to think that I could really be permanently fucked up for life and having these spells on and off for as long as I live. I still think most of it is connected to menopause and medication but who knows for sure? There could be more causes than I realize. But the fact that these particular feelings started when both menopause and medication did makes me think it’s mostly connected to that. Trauma changes you, though, so it might have given me this permanent condition after all. I tell you, July 9th of 2014 was easily the scariest day of my life and I’ve had a lot of scary moments in life. I hate to think of what it must be like for those who have had lives much worse than mine! I’ve heard some pretty cringe-worthy horror stories.

According to politicians, “Democrats say that Black, Latino, gay and Jewish people face prejudice while a majority of Republicans say discrimination is more often aimed at white people and Christians.”

Well, they’re both right…and wrong. Sorry, but I don’t see Black and Latino discrimination nearly as much as Jewish and gay discrimination. And yes, Whites in general don’t matter as much as Blacks and Latinos and are blamed for everything these days. We can’t have our White pageants, White history or White anything without being called racist. We also don’t have the same kinds of protections, and where sentences used to be harsher for Blacks and Latinos, now it’s the other way around. Do two wrongs really make a right?

In general, it still seems the top discriminated groups are gays and Jews. Blacks/Lats have been president, vice president, other forms of politicians, doctors, lawyers, cops, and all kinds of things just like everyone else. What opportunities are supposedly still denied them?

It’s sad that some people choose to ignore facts in the name of political correctness. Black/Latino discrimination is highly exaggerated and oftentimes brought on by their own actions. Treat people like shit, people aren’t gonna like you. It’s just that simple. So maybe they’ll remember this the next time they race-card someone unfairly simply because they pissed them off or get stuck on hypocrisy by bashing Jews. Maybe they’ll think before rioting and looting in the streets when they don’t get their way and quit gang-banging on innocent people.

As for the Christians that feel they’re getting shit on…maybe if they weren’t so controlling and judgmental of others and stopped cramming their beliefs down other people’s throats, they too, wouldn’t have so many problems in life.

If reading about dreams and nightmares isn’t your thing this entry will bore you to tears as not much is going on in real life other than that the honker is experiencing blizzards and has been without power for 12 hours. He is up in Canada too. We first thought he went to Texas where he seems to have relatives. I’m sorry he’s having a miserable time and regrets leaving Florida for 10 days not that we’re not freezing our asses off here even though we have no snow, but why did he and his buddy bother friending me if they’re not going to interact with me? I asked on a different post if he was in Canada and was never answered. Then someone asked the same thing on his latest post and he replied. Other than maybe reacting to one of my posts and peeking in on a few of my stories, I don’t hear from him. I haven’t even gotten that much from his friend.

I’ve always wondered if dreams that are reoccurring and seem at least mostly plausible could be glimpses into other dimensions or a sign of something to come while dreams that seem crazy and senseless are meaningless. I wonder if the nightmare I had could have been a glimpse into another dimension. We would never again get 10 or more acres of land, much less in a snowy climate. I’d stay right here in this community before I ever did that. But in this nightmare, we appeared to have more than 10 acres. It seemed like 20 to 40 acres and possibly in Oregon. I walked down into a basin-like section of the land and it was quite a walk, taking several minutes. You couldn’t see the house from where I was. I wore boots that came to the middle of my calves and a bright-colored ski jacket in red or pink. An old car sat parked in the basin and I wanted to get something from it. After I fumbled around with some things, I stood up and slowly looked around the land, thinking it was a pretty mild day for winter. Then about 300 feet away, up on the crest of a hill, I spotted a mountain lion leaping from right to left on a large rock. In an instant, I began running up the hill and back toward the house screaming, “Help! Help! Help!” even though I knew I was too far from the house for Tom to hear me, even if he could still hear well. I woke up at that point, so I don’t know if the mountain lion came after me or not.

Having this nightmare wake me up and then having to get up to pee has left me tired today. I got a lower sleep score of 81.

The rest of the dreams seem pretty meaningless. It was the year 2025, and we moved into a house that was just built that year. It was laid out a lot like our last one only it was much longer. For some reason, I was getting ready to sleep late that night out on a porch that extended straight out from the front door. Parallel to it was a strip of grass that was next door’s backyard. The porch had windows, but I had them open because the weather was nice. The place didn’t seem to be on the beach or by a lake of any kind. It was just a regular community. I glanced into next door’s yard and was dismayed to see a dog in a little doghouse. It glanced at me for a moment but didn’t bark. Knowing I wouldn’t sleep well out there, I went back inside the house and found Tom writing some programming notes on one of the walls of one of the bedrooms. I muttered something about going to sleep in the other bedroom even though I feared the dog would eventually wake me up. When I turned around with my back facing the room he was in, I could see the wall at the opposite end of the house and thought to myself, wow, that’s so far away.

I had a couple of dreams Doc A was in. It seemed we were neighbors twice. I hoped she wouldn’t think we were following her as it was purely by chance that it happened. The first time seemed to be in houses and the other time was in an apartment building. She had a ground-floor apartment and we were up on the third floor. Also, in one of the dreams, she didn’t have two sons and a daughter but four daughters instead, one of whom was in their 20s.

Some people may wonder why I chose to share so much of my life in public diaries/journals/blogs. Well, I think that in at least some ways we’re a lot more alike than people realize. I think many people can relate to, and maybe even find comfort in some of the things I say and some of the experiences I share. Some certainly wouldn’t agree with or like some of it but no one can please everyone and we’re not all 100% alike either. I don’t aim to please or see journaling as a contest, but if my writings can help inspire or enlighten just a few individuals, why not? Even if it’s just some bored lonely soul with nothing better to do than read about my often mundane but sometimes exciting life, great.

I’ve also been getting more story viewers on Facebook that aren’t friends. 

I had a dream that my mother and her father were still alive and Aly too. Aly and I were sitting in the back of my grandfather’s car as he drove us to my mother’s house. He accused me of being distracted and I explained to him that I was having surgery soon. When we pulled up to the house, I pulled out a wad of cash my mother gave me and asked my grandfather if mom paid him for picking me up and he said yes.

First, it was baby formula and now it’s Adderall they’re short on. I dread the day it ends up being the levo because I have every reason to believe that consistency is everything when it comes to keeping my anxiety at a minimum. Still working on trying to find my “normal” without driving my TSH back up into the double digits. I just don’t think it’s going to be the 3 I’d like but more like the 5 or 6. Hopefully, I’ll find that balance without side effects or hypo symptoms. Especially now that I cleared up a huge misunderstanding with Galileo.

I don’t know if it’s my fault for not telling them, or if I did and they forgot. But either way, it now makes sense why they were so worried about me dropping my dose, saying it could be “dangerous.” My TSH was a 6 the last time I went for a blood draw and I reminded them that was after about a week of cutting my waiting time in half. Plus, I threw in an extra 75.

To further clarify what was going on with me, I backtracked the last couple of years and explained to them how I was anxious at the beginning of 2021, skipping doses regularly, and not realizing that was making me worse. I then told them that after I began taking the 75s consistently, I did OK for a handful of months until my dose was tweaked again late that year. After I began the slow titration of the dose in early 2022, I did OK again for five months until I got to six weeks of all 88s. Knowing that six 88s a week wouldn’t be enough of a cutback to stop me from getting hot and having sleep issues, I requested to switch out another 88. After they thanked me for the info and said it makes it more helpful in understanding my situation, they agreed to cut me back to two 75s a week. They had thought the 6 TSH was with consistent waiting time between doses and food/drink.

Tom mentioned that bad times go in cycles and I think he may be onto something. After I thought about it, I realized that I do have these up, down, and mixed cycles. Here are the cycles of my adult life that span 6-8 years and how they were for me overall. The pattern flows like the Missouri Gateway Arch.

1985-1992 – bad

1992-1999 – mixed, mostly good

1999-2007 – good (if you get jail and losing the house out of the pic)

2007-2014 – mixed, mostly bad

2014-now – bad (although the last year and a half has been a little better)

Slept OK but got up after 6 hours which wasn’t enough so I went down for a nap. I dreamed we moved into a big old house we bought as is that was choc full of stuff. Why do we always move into big old houses? LOL, it was weird because there was a kitchen sink that was not only huge but sunken into the middle of the kitchen floor like a large tub or jacuzzi. I was going to climb down these Styrofoam steps to get the silverware I dropped into it but then Tom came into the room. Not having good lighting anyway, I decided to open a shade. There were two large windows opposite the counter. There was stuff everywhere and not an inch of counter space in the huge kitchen that wasn’t cluttered with stuff left by the previous owners. There were also stacks of things against the exterior wall.

I reached for one of the shades and the entire thing broke off and fell to the floor. Looking out the window, I was surprised to see a little stream running a few feet away. On the other side of it, about 20 feet from the house, was our shed. We were in a wooded area, but the climate didn’t seem cold. We had fans running unless it was just summertime but that’s not the feeling the dream gave me. When I happily commented on the stream, Tom smiled and said, “So we have a water view.”

As Tom was doing something, I realized that hiding underneath a large quilt were a few odd-looking trays with mice. The trays were lined with wood shavings. There were no walls to the “cages.” They were stashed between other things. I said to Tom, “This explains why I’ve been complaining the place smells musty.”

I pointed out that it was amazing the mice were alive and that it was mean for the previous owners to try to hide them. As defensive of others as always, he said that they at least told us we were buying the place “as is.” So there were a few mice, including a newborn pinky, a hamster, and this weird-looking thing that sort of resembled a miniature swan. I picked up a nearby fork and put the handle by its mouth to see how it would react, not knowing if it was aggressive. It didn’t do much of anything but gently put its mouth on the fork handle.

Then everything went dead. Alexa cut out first, then the electricity. Tom went to investigate and I thought of how we needed to get new window blinds or shades.

We requested a refund for the bowling game. I didn’t like it because I found it a bit complex and too cluttered in a way that made the app confusing in general. Also, I’m the worst bowler I know yet you always throw it perfectly with this app, never guttering. How realistic is that?

In watching a stalker documentary, it’s really quite pathetic, and not just for obvious reasons. They listed every horrible offense they committed and they’re definitely offenses that come to mind when I think of stalking. The part that pissed me off is that it took so many offenses before they were made to pay the consequences, and not a single one of them was ever committed by me. Yet I get called a stalker and thrown in jail after one bottle toss and a few harmless pieces of mail?

Had to stop the St John’s wort because it was having the same effect on my stomach as the B-complex did. Is it me? Or does something really, really not want me to help myself?

Most of the therapists I messaged don’t. I’ve reached out to TWELVE therapists and only two have gotten back to me, one of which has a waitlist. The other that does teletherapy only and is based in Miami had me fill out a dozen intake forms which took forever. Then the owner said she didn’t have anything available but that there were three other therapists available. So I told her which ones I’m most interested in and that I hope I don’t have to go through all the forms again. The idea is to conveniently be able to schedule appointments online. At least I haven’t had to play phone with these people. All our communications have been via text and email.

Galileo said, wow, April is a long time to wait to get into the endo and suggested seeing about getting put on a waitlist. Not a good idea for someone with my sleep issues if they have a slot available when I’m not. Waiting lists don’t always mean you get in sooner anyway.

They also said to schedule the GYN appointment soon because they too will be booked up for weeks. It definitely does seem that the waiting time for specialists and therapists is absolutely ridiculous.

They asked if I was still taking the hydroxyzine and I said yes, as needed. I just have to take half a pill at a time, and sometimes it seems to help, and other times I’m not so sure. I thanked them for the Insight Timer app which I like and also told them I downloaded some mood trackers.

We got a couple more VR apps. Darts and bowling. These apps are a little complex and complicated, but still fun.

Started feeling a little down and then a little anxious (just took half a hydro) then realized that both therapists have blown me off and that that’s utterly fucking ridiculous and I’m getting pissed. So I contacted 10 more under “teletherapists for Florida” of all colors and ages in various parts of the state that are female. If all 10 blow me off, then fuck Psychology Today. I’ll then work on the next link they gave me. They gave me three links.

I didn’t sleep as hot last night but the fucking sound machine cut out twice, and during one of the times, I heard a thump. This is definitely one seriously thumpy place, but with so many houses so close, what can I expect? We just don’t know if the cutouts are on our provider’s end or Amazon’s or the nature sound company itself. I may cancel my subscription and just use the free one along with the portable sound machine. Anything that’s overly loud is going to wake me up anyway. I just need something for the soft and moderate sounds.

I had to give up on Thyself because it failed to prompt me the next time around and I couldn’t update things manually. It just quit working altogether. So I downloaded a couple of mood-tracking apps to my phone to try and made a spreadsheet in Word that I’m also trying. Tom and I were talking about writing a program that I can customize to my liking. I just want to keep it simple. Every few hours I want to note if my mood is poor, fair, neutral, good, or excellent. Then add a brief note about what’s going on if I want. I also want a way to tally up the various moods so I can see what I feel most often.

Ugh, here goes the first plane of the day. Please tell me I’m either going to get used to hearing them every single day once and for all, or I’m not going to have to live with them for the rest of my life. I thought the horrible weather most of the country was having was supposed to ground a lot of flights. I definitely don’t feel like this is Florida. It’s been cold and rainy all day and all night.

One of the biggest things that makes me feel so hopeless and frustrated is my non-24 sleep cycle syndrome. I don’t know why nights tend to be a problem for me emotionally, but for whatever reason, they are. Yet that’s something that’s totally out of my control. I’d love to get out every day even if it was just to sit outside in the sunlight and listen to the planes but this simply isn’t an option for me. I just wonder how much being able to do that might help me but I’ll never know.

All the VR games and apps are on sale now through the New Year. We both got a table tennis game and I got Brink Traveler.

Table tennis is a bit tricky and takes some getting used to. It’s still fun. We can play together or against an AI person.

The traveling thing takes you to explore 17 different locations. It’s cool to see, but there isn’t much to do once you’re there. You explored the places and that’s pretty much it. They still make great environments for meditation. That’s something I definitely have to do after I eat.

I planted the dill seeds but I don’t expect anything to grow as usual. It said to place them a quarter inch below the surface. So I used a diamond drill to poke them into the dirt.

I’m doing a little better today. Not perfect, but better. I don’t know if it’s because the St John’s wort is helping, or if the spell would have broken at this point anyway. When it does break, I just hope it’s for months, and not just days or weeks. I’ll take any time off from it I can get, though.

I felt an underlying feeling of anxiety picking up once I got past the halfway point of my day, as usual. So I took half a hydroxyzine but it didn’t seem to do me much good and I felt the anxiety picking up a little more, so I took the other half. That might have done the trick, even though now I’m a little drowsy. But yeah, I do feel calmer.

Damn, I miss Aly! I miss our chats so much and checking in with her and sharing our feelings and what was going on in our lives and everything.

I found a Chrome extension called Thyself. It’s a mood tracker. The idea is to see a micro view of my overall moods. I wanted something a little more detailed than just slapping a letter or an emoji on a calendar, but not so detailed as my journal entries. Something where I can step back and see the big picture. We already know nights are a factor. But what else might there be along with obvious things like dose tweaking?

Thyself gives you different check-in intervals each day in which to track your mood and I opted for the recommended amount of three hours. They’ll check in with me again at 5:19.

I’m still sleeping hotter than usual and waking up a lot. My guess is that I still have too much medication in me. I don’t know if I could get used to this dose or not, but I’m seriously toying with the idea of dropping to two 75s a week, rather than jumping to every other day. I figured I would start with twice a week as I still think one 75 is too much. I have a few days before I decide. Meanwhile, Jessie brought up a good point when she said that being in the “doghouse” was causing me to overheat since I’m kind of enclosed, although I’m not fully enclosed since the side I get in and out of is open.

She did have a point about the air not being able to cross through, though, so since the honker’s out of town and no one’s next door yet, I thought I would try leaving a back panel out. It has three panels and we’re gonna leave the one at the foot of the bed out. Maybe if I got more of a cross-breeze, it would help, although I doubt it. It’s been so cold and I’m still overheating. I go from hot to cold a lot. I mostly sleep hot and then spend the first few hours of my day hot. Then I’m anywhere from comfortable to cold. If I stay bundled up in my robe for too long, I’ll start hot flashing, especially if I’ve had something hot to eat. There’s just no pleasing my body’s thermostat. I was always sensitive to temperature, especially cold, but I miss the days when I was a lot more oblivious to temperature and had no idea what these horrible feelings were like as far as anxiety and depression go. Never had this kind of anxiety until this medication and menopause came along. Or so much random depression. When I’ve been depressed in the past, it was for a reason. I didn’t always have the solution to my problems, but I knew what the cause was. Now I only have theories.

For now, I’m trying to take the medication experts’ advice. I want to be aware of but not dwell on my emotions and feelings. I’m trying so hard to live in the moment! Yesterday can’t be changed, and tomorrow isn’t here yet. So I need to stop worrying that I’m unfixable and I need to stop thinking about death and dying and my fear of it, and what kind of an afterlife may be in store for me if any, and thoughts of one of us being left alone because the other one died. Ugh! I’ve got to try to think of happier and more positive thoughts even if it’s silly stuff like teddy bears licking chocolate lollipops while floating on colorful rainbow clouds.

I’m just glad I don’t have 50 more years to live even if 20 seems a bit much as it is when you don’t feel well, you haven’t for years, and you don’t know that you ever will again for very long. But there is something positive, believe it or not, and that’s that I’ve only had anxiety/depression for less than a third of the year!

Not at all surprisingly, I can’t get into the endo until April. Endos are always booked up. So many people have thyroid issues and diabetes.

I never heard back from the therapist I reached out to, so I reached out to another one.

I’ll schedule the GYN appointment soon. I wonder if they’re booked up as well. I’m guessing they might be as half the population has pussies.

He updated the schedule predicting program, which makes it much easier for me because I can now scroll through a calendar that has each wake-up time embedded in each date. Obviously, the further out the appointment, the harder it is to predict.

I wish I had hot chocolate for this cold weather. The decaf coffee I got is horrible. Not even gourmet creamer can help it.

Although I’m still tired, I’m starting to perk up emotionally a little bit. It definitely seems to be more of a problem toward the middle of my day. As Galileo knows, I’ve begun cutting the hydroxyzine in half because of the way it makes me drowsy. I told them that children’s melatonin seems to help more with sleep and they said that’s OK to take. Meanwhile, unless it blows up my stomach beforehand, it can take the Saint John’s wort a few weeks to be beneficial.

My biggest fear right now is that I can’t be helped. I just wonder because of all the celebrities that have taken their lives. If they were so fixable, why did Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Naomi Judd, and others kill themselves? I just want my sanity back and not to be so tired all the time!

If this is more on the menopause than the thyroid medication, what if I’m permanently left this way and there’s no medication to fix me? Is it possible that my body can never adjust to the lack of estrogen? I don’t understand why I haven’t gotten used to the medication if that’s it, or why my hormones haven’t settled in yet if that’s it. I’m finding it hard not to think of all the worst possible what-ifs.

At about 6:00 in the evening, they had their Christmas parade and Amazon Prime was blasting the fuck out of its music. I could hear it loud and clear over the air cleaner and the fan as I was lying down. Why oh why are these delivery people allowed to do this??? Why don’t they get more complaints? It’s like they found the parade the perfect chance to get attention for themselves. Or maybe they did it because they were pissed that the parade was holding them up. I still don’t get why they’re not ordered to use headphones if they want to play music that loud. The delivery truck shouldn’t come with stereos that can play that loud, and they shouldn’t be allowed to take their own either. More and more people aren’t allowed to have their cell phones on the job so why can they go around blasting the shit out of people instead?

The honker and Kari have taken off somewhere. I don’t know if they’ve gone back up to Canada or maybe over to Texas where they seem to have relatives. All I know is that it’s been cold as fuck for Florida.

Signing in this evening with a hydroxyzine hangover. I just read that its sedative effects only last a few hours, but it can stay in your system for 60 hours. I’m not surprised because this is the same experience I would have with Benadryl and it’s basically the same stuff. It definitely helps me to fall asleep, but I don’t see it helping the quality of my sleep at all. I still woke up several times.

For those of you who need a quick crash course in my health issues… I have Hashimoto’s and a dead thyroid and I struggle at times with the medication to treat it. I have non-24-hour sleep syndrome, which means I cannot keep a schedule and I tend to stay up later and later each day. My schedule jumps an average of 25 hours and 15 minutes a day. There is no known cure for this at this point. Since going into menopause, I have struggled with anxiety and depression, some of which I think could be on my thyroid med. The rest is minor stuff like TMJ, allergies, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, congenital atresia, etc.

Galileo checked in with me last night and I told them I was the same. They said they understood how frustrating it was to not feel like yourself. But even if my problem was due to menopause, and they’re not saying it is, they would still treat the anxiety.

They said to take the hydroxyzine when I’m going to do something that triggers the anxiety, but that’s just the thing. I’ve never noticed any triggers. It has a mind of its own and it comes on when it wants and it leaves when it wants. However, I noticed that it tends to come on in the middle of my day so I’m gonna see if I can catch it head-on and take it a couple of hours before the middle of my day and see if that helps keep it from coming on. I’m already tired as hell, so it doesn’t matter.

As I told them, I’m kind of stuck in a catch-22 because I need to stay up so I can call the office Monday morning to make the endo appointment and not knock myself out too soon by taking the stuff late in my day. Pushing my schedule ahead too fast will also jeopardize my chances of getting to the HIDA appointment even though that’s the least of my concerns right now.

I still can’t decide if I’m overmedicated or not. I took a 75 tonight, and I’ll decide on Thursday whether or not I want to drop to two 75s a week or not. I definitely do seem warmer than usual. And I wonder if my waking up more often could be connected to the medication. But then I had these problems when I was underdosed. Jessie said she still has problems regulating her body temperature all the time, and that she and David argue in the car about the AC. He’s like, keep it the same temperature! But she turns it up and down. Definitely sounds familiar!

I said that Stacey wasn’t helpful in the end because I’m in the same boat I was in years ago but she did help stop the panic attacks through EMDR. No doubt about that. But I still think that stopping this is going to be impossible because, well, how often was I having panic attacks compared to being anxious or depressed? I would think that would be much trickier because it’s so much more often. I panicked for two or three years. I’ve been getting this shit for longer. Panic attacks don’t last all day either.

I really, truly do believe I’m hopeless and beyond help, but I don’t know that acceptance therapy would be right for me. I think it’s more appropriate for those who lose a loved one, have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or are told they’re infertile. But I don’t see how anyone can “accept” suffering physically and emotionally most days of their life. This is not something you can simply accept and be okay with. It’s not okay, and I don’t intend to live with it for another 20 years. If it doesn’t back off by the time I hit 60 in a few years, I’m done.

Had to pause this entry to lie down. I took another hydroxyzine shortly after 10. I feel tired, depressed and hopeless, but not anxious at the moment.

I mark the days I feel bad emotionally or feel anxiety in my chest with a frowning emoji on my Windows calendar. I showed it to him and asked what pattern he saw and he said he sees it picking up with more appointments, and of course, what you can’t see is it getting worse when I’m on nights. Being on nights definitely aggravates it. But why in the world would appointments cause me to feel this way all of a sudden when they never used to in the past?

Written yesterday:

I woke up feeling really warm and couldn’t even finish my coffee because that was making me even warmer, so I told my docs that I wanted to scale my dose back a bit. They told me that while it was my choice, they didn’t agree with it because they felt that cutting my dose back could make me feel worse.

But my TSH has been higher in the past during which I’ve had times I felt better. I get their point, but again, it just doesn’t make sense to me. If a higher TSH means feeling horrible emotionally then I would have been a complete mess before the diagnosis. It’s like this treatment has made me worse. Ever since I started this drug, my problems began and I felt worse for the most part. Yes, I know I went into menopause at the same time, but still. I’m really starting to suspect more and more that the meds have much more to do with what’s been going on with me than menopause. Not saying menopause isn’t a factor, but the fact that I’ve changed so much for the worse shortly after starting this drug kinda tells me something right there. Emotionally, I’ve never been the same. The emotional side effects have been way worse than any physical ones thus far other than in the very beginning when I had a booming heart and was absolutely terrified. I don’t even know that all these hot flashes really are hot flashes anymore. Maybe they’re side effects of the medication. I just don’t know what to think anymore. My gut instinct is on the meds as the main culprit. How I wish to hell I could quit the shit for a year! Then I would have my answer. For now, all I can do is wait a few more years until menopause can’t be a factor anymore. All I know is that a couple of months after starting this drug I have never been the same. I haven’t been the same since, and I don’t know that I ever will be. Instead, I’ve felt worse. Hell, I felt better even when my life was a mess! Really, when I think of my worst times in life, I still didn’t feel this bad. My life has been going well since the recession ended around 2011, yet my physical and emotional state doesn’t reflect it.

Why are the simplest of things in life so hard to ask for? Why can’t I just sleep at night every night and feel human? I just want to feel like myself again!

They pointed out that sleep apnea (after they asked once again if I ever participated in a sleep study) can cause some similar symptoms. I’m aware of this, even though I’m relatively sure I don’t have sleep apnea. But that’s the thing that’s so frustrating. When different things can have the same symptoms, you don’t always know what’s what.

I have never felt more hopeless about my situation than I do now. Each year that passes, I lose more hope. After eight years, I realize my only choices are to live with it or die. Knowing that I’m going to suffer for the rest of my life is a very hard pill to cram down my throat. I try and try, but I just can’t accept it. I know this is the way it will always be with a few scattered breaks in between. But I just can’t accept it. I wish to hell I could, but I don’t think there is a person alive who could accept such misery.

I just miss my old self tremendously! I know I’ve been running around in circles saying the same damn things over and over again, but it doesn’t make them any less true. I just want to get back to myself. I miss so many of my old feelings. But just like I can never get back to my old self physically with a working thyroid, good vision, a thin body, etc, I don’t see how I could possibly ever get back to my old self emotionally. If I could just know what the fuck was causing most of these feelings!!! That right there might help a lot because then it would be easier to know what to do about it. If it’s on the medication or just how the older me has become, I’m pretty fucked.

I made him promise that I would give it till I’m 60, and if that still doesn’t bring me relief, he would help me find a way out that wouldn’t come back on him. It’s just that I hate to desert him and leave him alone for so long and I definitely don’t want him to get in trouble for my own actions. But one can only take so much suffering, and sometimes we really do have to put ourselves first.

I started the St John’s wort supplement today and until that fucks up my stomach, I’ll be taking that daily. Also, they started me on hydroxyzine. It’s pretty much a kickass antihistamine that is supposed to be good for not only sleep issues but acute anxiety too. According to the forms I filled out, I have severe anxiety and moderate depression. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t thought how wonderful it would be if I ceased to exist. I really, truly do believe I’m beyond help.

I only took the hydroxyzine once, so it’s really hard to judge the stuff. You take it as needed, but no more than four pills a day which totals 100 milligrams. It seemed to help a little, but the trade-off is that it made me drowsy. Adult Benadryl has always made me drowsy and even sometimes causes me to nap so it’s no surprise. I’d rather nap than feel like shit emotionally, but I’m tired of being forced into this twisted game of Would You Rather? Why can’t I just feel good both physically and emotionally? I had five months earlier in the year of feeling good (I think I might have been mistaken and said it was six months in past entries). I wonder how long it will be before I get to do that again.

As horrible as I’ve been feeling, it serves as a real wake-up call that it really is time to get myself a new endo and a new therapist, even if nothing will ever change. Then I need to see a GYN. It’s just that trying to schedule all this with my type of sleep disorder is very hard. My sleeping pattern has become a little more irregular, and then even more so with the hydroxyzine so that’s going to make my schedule even less predictable.

Not sure a GYN would find me a good candidate for estrogen when breast cancer runs in my family history.

Med or menopause, I did a complete 180 and now I’m cold because we’re having a cold spell. Winter has finally arrived and it’s a lot like our old place out there. We went out walking in the evening and it was 54 degrees out which is freezing for me. Even in a sweatshirt and a hoodie, I was cold. It was cool to see the Christmas lights, though, and we even saw a possum dart across the street.

Tonight it was 62 degrees and I didn’t need my hoodie. Much more pleasant.

Okay, so I know I’m jumping all around here as far as subjects go. I emailed a therapist who does teletherapy, and on Monday, I’ll call the endo that they referred me to in Palm Harbor. If she can’t get me in soon, I’ll try to get someone closer.

They told me to be patient, saying that the new things I’m trying can take a few months to have their full impact, but they expect me to feel better in a few weeks. I feel like it’s going to be a long few weeks. And what if I don’t get better? What do I do then? If I’m not going to kill myself, what do I do to make life more bearable? Hope for a deadly disease?

My biggest fear right now is that more of this than even I realize is on the medication and that there’s no alternative for me. I hope to hell this endo can help me, but I don’t see what more she can do for me that Doc O didn’t already try. Same with the therapist. But it might at least give me some peace of mind to know I’m finally established with them and that they’re there.

Damn, do I miss Aly! I know it’s not like Jessie doesn’t care, but I am hesitant to cry on her shoulder because she’s just not as intelligent and she doesn’t have a good memory. It isn’t that she doesn’t get some of the suffering I’ve gone through, but there are some things she’s experienced that I haven’t and that I’ve experienced that she hasn’t. So it may be tough to fully grasp exactly what I’m feeling.

In other news, there was a woman in Phoenix that Tom and his brother David knew from working at the post office and that they would see at the horse racing track. Well, he was watching a race in Phoenix, and sure enough, he spotted her as one of the spectators!

I had this horrible nightmare where Tom died and I was suddenly at Chris’s place. I had no money and no means of support. On top of that, I was hungry. Chris suddenly left me in his place and took off walking somewhere. I watched through the window as he walked away leisurely, hands in his pockets. I hoped he would be back soon, even though I hated the thought of begging him for something to eat. A sense of hopelessness, loneliness and despair came over me to know that Tom would never be back to save me and be a part of my life ever again.

Written now:

Still hanging in there, but still not feeling good. It’s the weekend, so there isn’t much I can do until I get in to see someone or get a video appointment, even though I still say none of it is going to do me any good. It didn’t do me any good in California. No matter how many coping mechanisms, tricks, tips, and pointers someone gives me for handling this anxiety and depression, no one can make it go away for good and stop it from returning. No one can get me back to my old self where if I felt any negative emotions, it was for a reason and I knew what that reason was. It wasn’t some mystery thing going on inside my body.

I thought of taking the hydroxyzine earlier, but I don’t want to be knocked out or too tired to do anything. I also want to finish my wine first. I wouldn’t have gotten it if I knew I was going to start this stuff. I’m sure the two could mix safely. I would just be even more tired and out of it.

Body temperature is another issue I’m struggling with on the physical side. I just can’t get comfortable for long. I’m either too hot or too cold. Again, I’m racking my brain trying to guess if it could be the medication or menopause or both. I may have always been sensitive to cold, but I miss the days when I was a lot more oblivious to temperature.

I did update Jessie who says she totally understands and has teletherapy as well which she finds very helpful. She’s also backing off on alcohol because her liver enzymes are up.

The thing that’s compounding my negative emotions is that while I know that sooner or later I’m going to get a temporary break, I feel more and more certain I’ll never escape it for good. Each year that passes without resolving this, I lose more hope. It’s a very tough thing to have to face and accept. Some things just aren’t meant to be no matter how much we struggle to make them happen.

I can’t stop asking myself if this is all random or if something up there is doing this to me. If it’s not doing it directly, is it at least sitting back and allowing it to happen? What could possibly hate me so much that it would want me to suffer like this when it could have prevented it? Why won’t it let me help myself? Why won’t it let me find something that will help me? I don’t mean just a temporary solution. I mean something that will change things permanently for the better.

If no one and nothing can help me, I wish to hell I would just get a deadly disease and get it over with that way. But if something up there is actively cursing me, it’s not going to let me die any time soon. I may suffer in the afterlife too for all I know, but something definitely seems to be determined to make me suffer right here. I try to tell myself it’s all happenstance, but I don’t know that. Maybe it is, maybe it is it. I just know that the thought of any unworldly source doing this or letting it happen is pretty damn chilling. I’m no better or worse than the average person. So if there is anything out there making sure that I suffer, what the hell did I do that was so bad to deserve it?

Finally got caught up on sleep, although it wasn’t without some disturbances. The last couple of days, I was both exhausted and in such a blah mood. Trying to make a point of taking my gummies when I feel that way. The worst they do is make me drowsy and that’s a doable side effect. They don’t make me drowsy in the way lorazepam did. I’m still able to function. After a few good days, I’m continuing to have a mix of anxiety and depression but I knew this spell wasn’t going to let up anytime soon. Unfortunately, they’re not short-lived when I fall into one. I don’t expect to start feeling better until sometime next year. I’m hoping for a month from now, actually.

We walked around a little bit last night looking at all the Christmas lights. Today, we had a huge thunderstorm. Of course, it had to wait until I crashed to get started. When I first got woke up, I thought it was a car door that slammed really hard. Then I thought it was the motorcycle. Then I thought it was the garbage truck. Then I realized what it really was.

So I got up at just after 10, took my meds, and realized I was way too tired to stay up. So I went back to bed. A glimpse out the kitchen window showed that it was really coming down hard. You could barely see across the street, let alone off in the distance.

I got back into bed and turned on the fan and air cleaner and ran nature sounds on volume 3. No portable sound machine at this point, figuring the honker wasn’t about to take the motorcycle out in this shit. When I got up a few hours later, Tom said that he did run the motorcycle for about 30 seconds and even revved it a bit to dry the motor before covering it. Never heard a thing.

OMG, now Alexa’s being a pest with book warnings! There was a section in my book where this psycho kills a dog, and she had to interrupt the story by warning me that it may be disturbing to some readers, so feel free to jump to the next chapter if you’d like.

As opposed to the killing of a human being?

As expected, my Cologuard test came back negative. I’ll do it again in 3 years. Hard to believe I’ll be 60 then! They even wished me happy holidays and reminded me that they’re there for me 24/7. LOL, gotta love these guys.

As fruitless as it will no doubt be, I made one last-ditch attempt to try to get Tampa Airport to shift their 100+ daily planes a bit.

So I’m borderline on Crohn’s and borderline diabetic. The result of my calprotectin test shows I’m in the upper borderline range as far as having Crohn’s or colitis goes, and when I woke up and tested my blood sugar, I was 125, the highest I’ve known myself to be upon waking up. So I’m stepping up my step count. I can prevent myself from becoming diabetic, but I don’t know if I can prevent myself from getting “Crohned” in the future.

It will be a week before I get the Cologuard results but I’m not worried about that. Docs suggested I keep the HIDA appointment. Figures. I just hope I can make this one on the 30th, but worst-case scenario we reschedule and get an appointment in New Port Richey.

I decided that for next year, I’ll mark the calendar whenever I feel off emotionally in any way or any physical symptoms that are connected to it such as when I feel adrenaline in my chest. I’m not going to bother to mark if it’s borderline, if it’s very noticeable, or whether or not it’s anxiety versus depression. If I don’t feel right in the head, I’ll mark it. That way I can get a more precise total throughout the year of just how many days it is and whether or not it’s improving, worsening, or holding steady. I’d say that yes, 2022 was the best year so far. I had roughly 60 to 70 days where I didn’t feel the greatest emotionally. That’s still a bit much but better than more than half the year. Damn, I just miss my old self!

I looked back in my 2014 journal and found that by late June, after being raised from 50 micrograms to 75 micrograms in May, I was starting to get wound up. By July 9th, it all blew up in my face. But I had no problems physically or emotionally before this so I wonder, would I have had it all along if it was medication making me feel bad emotionally? Or was 50 micrograms simply too low to feel those effects? When Doc O dropped me to 50 micrograms when we were doing the liothyronine experiment, I didn’t notice any relief, but these things do take time too. It takes time for the shit to build up in the system and it takes time to get better when it builds up too much. As I said in my last entry, sooner or later, I’ll have my answer as far as how much changing hormones could be involved. Right now, I don’t feel too bad. I don’t feel great, but certainly nothing worth marking on the calendar.

Along with a money jar spell to help with his programming endeavor, I made myself a happiness jar spell. I asked Tom if witchcraft could be simply wishful thinking borne of desperation like the God fantasy but then he pointed out that witchcraft has been around for a long time as well as the concept of prayer so that usually means there’s something about it. Prayer never worked for me and the few times it seemed to could have been a coincidence. It just didn’t work often enough for me to say for sure that there was a connection, so hopefully things will be different with the jar spells. As a new witch of this kind, I don’t want to do too much too fast. So I’ll see how this does before I decide whether or not to create additional jar spells for creativity and things like that.

They say we should take a moment to be grateful for what we have (or luckily don’t) and I’m definitely grateful that Steve isn’t our neighbor! Damn, he and his buddies are loud. I went out into the lanai to eavesdrop, being the nosy, curious person I am, to see if I could make out what they were saying. They were so loud that I could make out a few words. They were talking about politics. I heard words like Trump, Democrats, FBI, and protests.

Poor Karen! That’s the bipolar woman living next to them. The part of the driveway in which they gather is between their place and hers. If I had those loudmouths right outside our place, especially by the bedroom, I would be so fucking pissed! I wonder if Toni finds an annoying since she’s closer.

I can’t wait to move someday, drop my blog link on the group, and let them have fun reading about themselves, haha.

Again, I’m glad the honker got a quieter motorcycle now that he’s gone from riding 2-3 times a month to 2-3 times a week. Yeah, he went out again today for about 5 hours. He still cuts the motor before he gets to the house and coasts into the driveway. The recycling and garbage trucks coming tomorrow and the next day are what I’m most worried about.

The AC inspector came today and everything looks good. I’m glad he came after I got up because he was banging around back there, and he sprayed the blower with some kind of cleaner that smelled a bit.

We really shouldn’t run the AC on the way down to Tampa so we don’t run out of charge. It’s going to be the first time I’ll wish it was like it is in most places…too cold for the AC in the car in December.

In my little pink sleeveless sundress, I just checked the weather for every state I ever lived in except Arizona. LMAO!

I should have registered my phone number on the Do Not Call list much sooner because it’s really slowed down the number of sales calls I’ve been getting.

Andy said I didn’t have to discuss it with him if I didn’t want to, but he’s so fed up with his sister-in-law Jenny. He didn’t get into the details and I didn’t ask, but I guess part of his problem with her is that she bad-mouthed him to others and didn’t stick to the subject at hand, which I’m guessing has to do with the fact that she doesn’t like that he’s a Trump supporter and is probably anti-gay as well.

I told him that I live by a motto I wish I had adopted since the day I turned 18 and that’s to treat everyone the same. Most of us wouldn’t put up with abusive friends or lovers, so why should we put up with mean, degrading, toxic family members? Biology should never be a ticket, reason, or excuse to be an asshole. I kick you out of my life if you’re trouble and I don’t take you back if I’ve had a problem with you in the past.

He wasn’t going to go to the family holiday get-together because he’s so pissed at her. But then he later decided he’s not going to let her ruin things for him, so he’s going to go and will just ignore her.

Speaking of Trump, I am so sick of seeing that fucker’s face everywhere I go online. This has got to be the most talked about former president ever. It was annoying enough when everything was Obama, Obama, Obama, and he wasn’t a bad guy. But when you hear about a sick twist a million times more often, it gets old very fast.

We’re kind of changing the way we get our groceries delivered. Instead of doing larger orders less often, we’re going to do smaller orders every few days. It’s going to take some getting used to but it will be better because fruits and vegetables tend to go bad before frozen and canned things do. This way I only get what I need for the next few days, and not stuff I won’t need for a while.

Tom’s playing around with one of the coloring apps now. I found it so fun and addicting that I paid the $7.00 to get rid of ads and get unlimited hints.

I guess Kim and I are going to keep in touch on Messenger. But if she asked one more time about postal mail, I’m going to scream. I just hope she doesn’t hit me with 20 messages a day. According to her, her sister doesn’t check in there very much anymore. I’m surprised she would let her use Messenger unsupervised like that.

Ended up feeling a little on edge yesterday, but it was mild and didn’t last long. I think it was more emotional than physical this time. It frustrates the hell out of me to know that it would be so easy to find out how much the medication was involved, yet so impossible at the same time. All I would have to do would be to stop the medication for a year or so but I couldn’t stand the severe hypo symptoms I would get. I would be cold and tired as hell, I would gain 100 pounds, and who knows how close I would come to a stroke or heart attack, along with dozens of other symptoms that would plague me.

The good news is that sooner or later, I’m going to reach my 60s and that eliminates one of three possibilities right there. Once my hormones have settled in for sure, then it’s down to the medication or simply the way I’ve become. The latter still seems a little bizarre as much as I know we do change with age.

Unless this was just a joke, there’s a guy here that I kind of want to throttle right now. I mentioned the excessive planes in the group just to see what people said about it. Other than someone saying that we’re in a flight path (gee, you think?) and helicopters going to the nearest hospital, one guy said, “I requested them to adjust their flight path because I enjoy watching them. My apologies to those of you who don’t.”

I hope that’s a joke because I was pretty pissed when I read that. You mean you can request them to fly over you but you can’t ask them to back the hell off?

Took a nap earlier and I swear a car door or some kind of bang woke me up but Tom said he didn’t hear anything. I looked at the camera recordings and I’m guessing it was Sue’s car if not part of a dream I had. I didn’t have nature sounds going. Just the air cleaner and fan.

I had a dream we were living in a house that was laid out similar to this one only the living room didn’t have a slider in it. It was nighttime and I had been lying in bed for a while and listening to the sound of steady rainfall which I found soothing. Then I got up with him still asleep and entered the kitchen. There was a good-sized plastic storage bin bolted to the wall that the previous owners left. I was trying to decide what I wanted to put in it since it was presently empty. I also decided we should stop using napkins and use paper towels which we started doing in real life a long time ago once we were able to get paper towels with smaller sheets.

Next, I headed into the living room. I was a little annoyed to find it in a bit of disarray since I wanted to use my VR headset at the moment. Because he had a little table in the center of the room with a typewriter sitting on it, I knew that something had broken and he was explaining what he had fixed in the note. Only I couldn’t read the note because it wasn’t clear.

Then I noticed he set up a small desk with a shelf above it in the corner of the room and put some of my collectible dolls on it. Some he put upside down, LOL. I figured he did this as a joke.

I went back into the bedroom which had some kind of patio off of it because I looked through a door and saw that the cement beyond it was covered with about a half inch of rainwater. Then I looked down at my feet and realized it was now in the room. I dipped a foot in it and found it wasn’t cold.

Then a split second later, Tom and I were out somewhere and I asked if he thought the water would completely flood the bedroom before the storm passed and he thought it might. I wanted to hurry back to the house to see if we could stop it but he didn’t seem worried about it.