I have really decided for once in for all to quit smoking. I know I’ve said that before but I’m fucking dying. I can’t breathe and thinking of all the money I’d save and how much better I’d sing really encourages me. I’d save so much time too. Time I spend looking for a light or buying lighters and the ciggies. There are plenty of things I could do if I quit such as write, read, watch TV and of course I’ll be working soon so it’s definitely wise to quit before work. It’ll make it easier. I hear I’d be a lot calmer too. The only thing that scares me is getting fat but maybe I won’t. I don’t want to write any more about it. It’s just best to keep it off my mind as much as possible.

Later...

I think I’ll stay up all day so I can put myself on a normal schedule cuz I start work this Friday. Friday and Saturday I have my training, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have regular work. I need to bring with me the envelope handbook, my license, and social security card. I can’t wait. I need a job so badly and also the extra money and something to do.

Today I’ve got to call Cablevision to cancel my HBO and order Showtime so I can see Gloria’s concert. That way Andy won’t have to tape it. Also, the Grammys will be on soon. I know Gloria will win something.

This month I can probably finish paying my dating service, although I am scared shitless, so afraid they’ll be ugly and not interested in me if they aren’t ugly or aren’t jerks.

Today I also need to go to Food Mart quite badly. Or somewhere. I’ve got no food. I hate grocery shopping so much it isn’t funny.

Hopefully, I can catch Nervous at the Forest Park Grill when he gets in for his breakfast.

Another thing is that I need new guitar strings. I’ll have to have Phil take me.

Later...

Mary just had a baby girl and I am so jealous and it kills me to think I’ll never have kids cuz I’m gay and have no money, but how do all these other people do it? The last thing I want is a male to have to count on to help me. I don’t want to do it with a male but I don’t want to do it alone either. Also, my parents would disown me. I’d constantly be tied down with it, too. If I ever get money by singing or whatever then maybe then I could do it, but then I’d have to give up my career for a while and I still don’t plan on ever having a woman by my side forever.

Later...

I was so lonely and so bored tonight it wasn’t funny. Emily says I really ought to try my dating service and give it a chance. I still feel I’ll never get anyone with the way I am. Emily says I’m very pretty and that my eyes are very striking. It’s my shape, though. I mean, I just look totally ridiculous. My hips are so huge and so are my thighs. I just can’t seem to change my shape. I’ve got such a gut. Will I look like a fool in my new bathing suits? Al said I have a lousy shape and I’m so afraid to let a woman see me. Emily says I look about 80 or 85 pounds, but I think I look 110. I’m really 100, and can you imagine looking hideous at 100? I do, though!

I spoke to Tammy who once again said she was bored and wanted to come visit. She never showed up, as usual, saying her mother wanted her to stay home. But she’s an adult, for Christ’s sake!

She also says she thinks she’s pregnant again and is so confused with so many questions without any answers. I told her she’s really fucking herself up by living with her mother, getting pregnant too young and being involved with guys. She’s not my type, although we do have so much in common. But I’m not gonna be roommates with her cuz of all her problems.