I fell asleep last night at around 2:30 after Andy and I had a very long nice talk. We’re heading to the beach after I spend a few hours with Mom and Dad. They’re picking me up at 1:00.

Andy and I are staying overnight at an inn, then we’ll come back tomorrow.

Last night, Ma was up here for a little over two hours and we had an excellent talk. It shocks the shit out of me how supportive she’s become of my music. I sang for her and I thought it sucked cuz I was stuffed up, but she was smiling and did seem somewhat impressed. Andy said last night, “The more you continue to improve and they see that and that you really love music, the more they’re gonna encourage you to do it.”

She also was telling me how proud of me she was for teaching myself sign language. She told me how she and Dad met this deaf woman at their store.

Nervous will be here whenever. He’s picking me up a super nice journal I’ve been wanting, though it has no lines.

Later...

I wish it were now 1:00 so I can go shopping with my parents at the mall. They sold their store in the Eastfield Mall and now they have a store in Florida.

Today I was up and wide awake by 8:00, cuz I slept about 16 hours yesterday after being up 24 hours. So I required very little sleep last night and the only reason I slept, to begin with, was cuz it was cool. If it were hot, I’d never have slept.

Nervous is now reading journal #7 and the beginning of #10. Hopefully, he returns them before I go to the beach. Of course, he’s 100% trustworthy, but I feel more comfortable when they’re here safe at home. An accident could happen where they’re lost or damaged. Of course, I’d kill him even if it weren’t his fault.

I need a new blue pen after fucking Linda and her butch friend fucked up them by drawing on my potatoes. I swear some people have nothing better to do!

I’m going to McCrory’s in the mall today. Maybe they’ll have some journals at good prices. They usually have a lot of nice stuff at good prices. Clothes and all kinds of cute things.

Ma had a queen-size waterbed delivered today and it is awesome! It cost almost $400 with the sheets, the guy said. It has shelves for a headboard.

My neighbors Mark, down on the 1st floor, and Steve, the black guy in #16 across the hall, moved my old double bed out of here yesterday.

I didn’t like the guy who delivered the bed, though. He asked me if I was married and when I told him I was gay he just said, “Oh, you don’t like guys?” And that was it, luckily. He probably would’ve hit on me otherwise. I have a feeling I’m in for some prank calls. He has my number, and I know how men love to try to change or harass gay women.

Goodwill came two days ago and took my furniture and my place is finally in order.

Jo and Eddie moved out yesterday!

Today, whenever Andy gets up, I’m gonna go to West Springfield with him to get Gloria’s picture I had blown up into a huge poster. The girl that works there, Patty, is gay. She’s Mary’s boyfriend’s sister. She’s no goddess, but she’s prettier than Linda. I hope she has a girlfriend and doesn’t hit on me cuz I could never handle a relationship, and I’d just lose her if she was decent. And decent she seems. She’s a kindergarten teacher, too.

Statistics say 1 out of 10 people are gay.

Last night at work I did excellent for my first night on my own. I only had 11 orders yet made $23. The others didn’t do so well. Except for Bonnie and Robin, of course.

Ma bitched us out for parking in her driveway at the beach but we both know she’s just trying to discourage us from going there cuz she doesn’t want us talking her down to anyone. Nothing will stop us, though. We’ll just park on Soundview.

Tomorrow I’m getting a waterbed that Mom and Dad are having delivered and set up.

Well, here we are at the beach. We weren’t even here for two hours when we felt as if we were burning really bad, and now Andy just fucking conked out on the backseat of the car saying he wants at least 3 hours of sleep! Never ever again will we come down here after we’ve worked the night before. What the fuck am I gonna do sitting here for 3 Goddamn, motherfucking hours?!

Later...

I’m still stuck here and bored out of my freaking mind. When the hell is he gonna wake up? I tried to wake him, but he doesn’t want to get the fuck up. Never again will we come down here again unless he and I have had the previous night off and the next night off. I just want to fucking go home!

I chatted with Charlotte and Jim and also Natalie and Al. Sure enough, just as I suspected, Natalie and Al are no longer friends with Ma or Dad. They know what assholes they can be and what we went through as kids and apparently have had enough. They’ve lost quite a few friends over the years.

I’m supposed to see my therapist tomorrow but there’s no way I can. Tonight I’m gonna need to sleep until late morning or early afternoon. I’ll call her for sure Monday.

Oh shit! Goodwill was supposed to come today! Now I’ll be stuck with the furniture till Tuesday or later.

Looks like Andy may wake up now cuz there are tons of people talking.

Jo L, by the way, changed her mind about the furniture which I had also offered to her. She’s decided to get new furniture and she’s afraid wacko Eddie will get suspicious. How can a woman kiss a male’s ass for so many years? Although even she herself did advise me never to get involved with anyone so I can come and go as I please and never answer to anyone. If I were her I’d kill Eddie long before I’d give up all I’ve ever wanted and put up with him. I’d never sacrifice for anyone as she has.

I was shocked, by the way, cuz last Monday night, I think it was, Linda called and came over. She pretended not to know about the time I called the afternoon she hung up on me. We got a pizza, then ranked on Nervous like hell. We pretended we were getting off on each other and although he denied he was even horny, we knew he was jerking it.

Andy finally got up and is going to take a piss in the shed.

Well, I got in from work about an hour ago, and I think I’m definitely going to like this job. Bonnie, who was my trainer, is very friendly and gorgeous! For my first 3 hours, I was nervous, but then I began to feel more comfortable and get the hang of things. I learned more and did more than I thought I’d do on the first night. It seemed overwhelming at first, all the stuff I’ve got to learn. Where the food is, the menu, ordering codes, etc. There’s a lot of side work to be done too, which I don’t like, but once I get a system down, it should be easier and quicker to do.

One guy asked me to get him a pack of ciggies. Bonnie said that this time I could do it, but normally they get their own ciggies. When I brought them to him, he told me I was beautiful and gave me $2. Weird, huh? I didn’t expect to make a penny. See the fun advantages of being “good-looking?” Of course, it’s also a disadvantage when guys are always hitting on you.

Bonnie says working 4 nights a week she can make $400! Everyone says the graveyard shift is the best moneymaking shift. I was surprised at first, but it’s true. You have to deal with a lot of drunks, though, cuz of the 2:00 bar rush. It’s a popular restaurant too, and it’s the busiest on Friday and Saturday nights. Tonight was dead, and Andy, who required hardly any training, made $35! One night Bonnie and a few other girls made $140!

I’m so glad I never worked at Friendly’s or Steiger’s, and I’ll never work under the table again for anyone personally. Too much trouble. Jim still owes me $36. I’ll just keep harassing him till I get it.

I canceled Russ’s house for good and he seemed a little upset, but that’s just too bad. I don’t need any other work with this job. It would be too much to handle.

Later...

Russ still wants me to sweep the stairwells which Nervous did a half-assed job and that I got bitched out for, but I don’t feel like doing them or cleaning vacant apartments.

Andy and I are going to the beach on Friday, our day off.

I haven’t heard from Tammy like I knew I wouldn’t (my sister) and I’m not calling her so I can save money.

I haven’t heard from the other Tammy either. She called a week ago saying she wasn’t going to move to Florida and that Will was gonna be in jail for something quite bad. Oh well. Eventually, she’ll learn what guys are all about.

I haven’t heard from Jessie for several days either, so she must still be in pain. I should call her tomorrow.

Also, I need to call my therapist who’s probably pissed off at me.

Been up 24 hours. To give a brief account of what I’ve done, well, I finally put up all my curtains. Except for the back door, cuz I need a rod and hooks.

Jo L was up here today for a visit, believe it or not. She and Eddie are moving! I’m psyched cuz I can’t stand Eddie. He’s a sicko and he’s lucky he hasn’t given me any shit.

At 5:00, Andy and I went to Denny’s in Chicopee and got hired for third shift. We start tomorrow night.

I’d write more, but I really need to get to sleep. I clean Russ’s house tomorrow at 1:00. How fun, huh?

Well, one thing’s for sure and that is that I’ve definitely decided to stay alone. Fantasy is the best way to go for sure cuz everything is just as you want it to be during fantasy. Like I’ve said before, I’d rather fantasize about first best than settle for second best, and I’m proud of myself for being one of the very few smart ones that won’t put up with the heartache, hassles, and the ups and downs that even the best relationships have. I am totally independent and would never and could never depend on anyone for sex, money or love. I just wish I could have a kid, but I know I never will. I guess God has chosen me to be one of the ones to control the world’s population. I may be sterile, anyway.

Though I’m still up, the furniture guy’s coming from Goodwill to hopefully buy my couch, two chairs and nightstand soon, so I’ll just wait till after he leaves. I guess he’ll be here at 9:00.

Last night Andy and I talked on the phone for 2½ hours.

Later...

I woke up not too long ago. The furniture people never came.

About two hours before bed this morning, I destroyed my remaining half a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been awake now for almost an hour and I do not feel like I want one. Physically I’m half dead cuz of my asthma and allergies, and mentally I’m disgusted by what it’s done to my singing and how much money I have burned and wasted killing myself with cigarettes. I’ll take advantage of my asthma and allergies and look at it as a gift cuz if I didn’t have allergies or asthma I’d burn my money on smoking till I became as old as my mom, get emphysema or cancer and die. Also, this is God’s way of preserving my voice and allowing me to reach my full potential.

I slept late today and didn’t and couldn’t do much with all the fucking rain we’ve been having. My allergies and lungs are killing me and I’m so depressed. If I ever want to sing better I must quit smoking, but of course, that’s easier said than done. I fucking feel like I’m dying, I’m so short of breath. I’m so lonely, so bored too. If I could only stop smoking and feel and sing better. Then I’d have so much more energy and motivation to do all the other stuff I do pertaining to music. I’d be so happy, too. But a girlfriend is the last thing on my mind. A relationship is definitely something I can do without and don’t need or desire anymore. Not in the cards for me for sure.

Yesterday I slept very long and late and today I have several things I need to get done. It’ll make me feel good just to get out. First, though, I’m gonna sleep till around 11:00.

For a while last night, I was browsing through my journals. It was all mostly stuff I do not care to remember, but interesting anyway, cuz I’ve come a long way.

I fell asleep somewhere around 7:30 or so and woke up around 1:00. I called Andy who’s finishing up a movie he’s watching and will call me back. For now, I think I’ll rank on Nervous.

Later...

This morning I fell asleep at about 7:00, then woke up at noon to Andy’s voice on my machine saying he wanted to go to the beach, so we’re on our way. It’s awfully hard to write though while he’s driving. Well, we’re just about here. We just turned off into Old Lyme.

Later...

After I get home and shower I’m sure I’ll be really red. I hope it’s kind of like the last time but no more or else I’ll really be hurting. The last time I didn’t notice any color till after I’d been home almost an hour. But now we’re not even halfway home and I can see red.

I’ve been up all night and this morning. Andy and I were gonna hit the beach, but he’s exhausted. I’m gonna drop off soon myself. I’ve been up since 9:00 last night.

I finally got my furniture from the house which has been sold. It’s quite nice, but Jessie isn’t gonna be able to take my old furniture, so I’m stuck with it for now till I can sell it. Thank God my living room is as big as it is.

Jessie had an ovarian cyst removed Friday and she’s still in the hospital. Doing well, though.

I saw Dr. Moshiri last Friday and he’s impressed with the progress I’m making with cutting down the Navane and says my TD’s about 75% better. I can go 3-4 days without it! I haven’t taken it since Friday (5 mg) and I feel fine. No racing thoughts. Occasionally I get a little irritable, so I take it then. Moshiri said there may be times every now and then when I may need it and that’s ok. As time goes on, I’ll need it less and less. No more using it as a crutch to solve my problems. I’m gonna learn to cope drug-free.

I got a new therapist and she seems pretty good so far.