I’m still laying here in bed trying to suppress my desperation to have a child. Although I’m thrilled to go see my new niece I’m just so envious. I wish there was such an ability to make my desires come and go. If I could do that I’d not want to have a child and I’d not want to be a singer.

My parents really piss me off. Who the hell are they to judge people and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do? First, they raise their kids to accept people for the way they are (kind of), then turn around with this marriage and money is the only answer if you want a kid. And this shit that if a single parent has a kid they should all be taken away. Where should all these kids be taken to? Tammy was single when she had Lisa, but they were right there behind her all the way.

And Tammy pisses me off too, saying if Andy’s involved she’ll take the kid away. Then she turns around calling him a fag, but it’s ok that I’m gay. You just can’t kidnap your sister’s kid and say to the police or whoever that you did it cuz the father’s gay and that you’re pissed cuz he won’t drive your sister to your house. So I guess for both my sanity and physical safety and in order to save the kid in the same way, I just won’t have a kid.

Later...

Yes, of course, I’m still wide awake. Today I have to go get pig food and also for Gremlin and go to Food Mart. But first I have to go to SIS, not only to withdraw money but to also bitch about my ATM card. It hasn’t been working. Every time I go to use it, it gets spit back out at me. I tried to clean it too, like I was told but that’s not working. Maybe it’s scratched up.

Another thing I want to do is get something for Brenda for her b-day which is 10/2. She’ll be 31.

Also, I want to get something for the baby, like diapers or something.

Today I went for my audition and I bombed. It figures my allergies had to act up and I also was nervous and it showed. Brenda said that although I was a little nervous, I still sang well. She also said that the guy seemed a little high.

We met at the piano player’s house (Karin) who was so nice and looked very butchy, even though she’s married with kids. Also, one other girl auditioning that I met Monday night sounded even worse with allergies, too. You could tell by her just talking, but I didn’t hear her sing. The other girl I met last Monday night didn’t show up unless she came after I left. I left first cuz I was the first one to sing. Pat seems to really, really like this girl, too. He said he’d call me in a day or two, that I have a nice voice, but I’m not stupid. They usually never call back either way and of course he’s gonna say I have a nice voice whether I sucked or was great.

I had therapy today and a very odd, but interesting day last Monday. Well, Bill and I were sitting out on the back porch and he said he spoke to Arthur, his husband, who along with himself, decided I should be paid. When he was at Dunaeff, the Dunaeffs got a percentage of his pay. I don’t know how much I’m gonna get but he says he’ll figure it out and every week I’ll get a lesson and some cash. I told him any bit won’t hurt but at the moment I’ve nothing better to do and I love music. Andy felt that was great of him cuz most people would be selfish and keep all the money for themselves. He is so honest and trustworthy and it was so nice of him to take his time out (one of his students didn’t show up today anyway) to write directions for Brenda who took me to Haydenville.

Bill and I were looking in the Advocate when I saw this ad saying cabaret performers were needed along with people who could sing country music and were versatile. Over the phone, it turned out that Bill knows this guy whose name is Patrick. He’s a nice guy with a nice home, too.

Brenda took me to his house and two other girls were there, too. He showed us videotapes, publicity photos and well, there’s so much to explain so I’ll make it brief. They travel the east coast and do musicals at clubs in Northampton and sometimes cruises. He said the more abilities you’ve got, the better, such as Spanish, sign language, and the guitar. I could write forever about this, and while I’d rather be the singer with the band, this may be a good start and lots of fun. I love musicals cuz it’s so versatile with singing, acting, and dancing. I have to audition tomorrow, so again I’ll say that yes, it is a long shot if I get hired, but at least I’m trying rather than saying, fuck it, I won’t even audition.

It’s always up and down, never one or the other. It’s back and forth between feeling good and feeling like shit. Physically, I mean. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty with congestion lately in the mornings. It’s pretty fucking scary, too. I feel trapped. Yes, you know I mean the ciggies.

I saw Dr. McGovern when Brenda had to get her shot. He said that despite the way my lungs feel, I look healthier than ever. He always thought I was attractive and he is a nice guy. Maybe he feels I look better cuz I’m still 5 pounds heavier than I’ve been in ages. 5 pounds is usually no big deal but, when you’re this short it sure is. It shows.

Mom and Dad are gonna be here on 10/12 and I’ve got plenty of other things to write about, but at the moment I’m just way too tired.

What a great change for the better I’ve had since last Sunday night. I’m writing this as I wait for Martha, so I may have to stop soon when she comes down to get me. The argument me and Brenda had was basically about our differences in opinions about relationships, but now that I look back at it, it really was so stupid. I also had PMS I guess and I still haven’t had my period yet, but I feel good mentally. I think that’s cuz I feel so much better physically.

The weather has been extremely cool. Fall’s here very early so maybe that means we’ll have a rough winter. I hope it snows a lot. Anyway, I can breathe!! What a relief.

The GYN went ok, but it hurt a little bit cuz I was tense and had only slept 4 hours the previous night.

I am so fucking tired it’s amazing. Me and Brenda had an argument last night, but it was my fault. I’ll write more about it later. Meanwhile, my lungs are killing me. I’m so congested that it’s scaring me to death.

I’m also a little nerved up about the fact that I’ll be visiting the good old GYN soon.

I’m downtown now. Brenda’s seeing her therapist who’s up above Johnson’s Bookstore. She has an appointment at the same time I do.

Well, I mailed my police exam application with my waiver fee. The exam’s on October 27th, but where and what time I do not know. Supposedly they’re going to mail a letter with the time and place listed. I sure hope it works out for once and I can truly say that I am really looking forward to this.

I’ve thought about this on and off and of course, I want to sing 10,000 times more, but as you can plainly see I’ve given up music. You just can’t make it without connections, money, and sex and I don’t have money or connections. Of course, sex is out of the question.

But would something like this, full of adventure and excitement, be meant to be any more than I once thought music was? What if they somehow do discriminate against me cuz I look so small and naïve, and cuz of my past? It did say on the instructions that they can dismiss you if they feel they don’t like you or that you’ll be no good. I know I’d be good at it, though, and so do other people who are gonna try to put me down and out big time, but if I get in that academy, well, they’re just not going to succeed.

Later...

Guess what! Early this morning my niece Sarah Elizabeth was born. That’s great, and I love all my nieces, but am I ever going to have one of my own? I doubt it. If I ever do, though, I’d have to abandon my whole family. That means move, get a PO box and a new phone number, etc. I don’t want to do all this till me and Brenda have been together a while and are married and we have the money to move and to start off with. She insists that with both our incomes combined we can easily survive. She’s going on disability, but she’s still gonna drive the cab. So that would be $1,040 of SS and SSI, plus her cab fares, but if I am in the academy at the time or working wherever doing whatever, then I’ll have to work around that. The reason for dumping my family is that if Mom wants to disown me, I’ll have beaten her to it. Also if they pull any shit with the state I’ll be avoiding that, so I can keep my health and also my mental sanity.

Yesterday I was fairly productive and I decided to put this cab thing on hold till I know what’s going on with the police officer exam I’m gonna be taking on October 27th. Filling out the application was fairly easy and what’s neat about it is that they have a waiver form that Brenda’s getting from City Hall which I forgot yesterday for $20. That’s the application fee. I know the test is gonna be 3-4 hours long and I only hope I don’t flunk it if they ask questions pertaining to math or something like that. If they ask something I either know nothing about or never understood then I’m doomed. They never tell you what’s gonna be on the test. I hope it’s multiple choices. It said that if you know other languages or have unique skills it’ll help your eligibility. I hope that wherever they’re having the test I can get there and I hope that if I ever did get into the academy I’ll have no problem with transportation. Also, I hope they’ll accept that I’ve only driven a few times since I got my license and that they’ll be patient and work with me on that.

Yesterday morning I called Fran who called Nervous at the Bucket of Suds where he’s now working. I didn’t say anything, but I got a hell of a great tape and made some super edits from it. Now both sides are complete of the edit tape so that’s 90 minutes of great edits.

Andy and I wish to hell Tracy would call us. We know she’s still living with these two gay guys she recently moved in with. Andy, Fran and I all got calls where this dirty song was playing and we know it was Tracy who knows all 3 of us. Also, both Fran and I have unlisted numbers.

In the early afternoon hours of yesterday, I spent a little time with Brenda, and Steve took out both my air conditioners. Thank God the temperature’s dropped.

They got a guard put in their cab which Kevin leases by the week cuz he got robbed and other drivers are getting robbed left and right. Brenda drives to support her kids and leases it from Kevin. Kevin drives at night and on weekends and he wants someone to drive on weekends for him. The thought of driving is scary even though I do know how. I’ve only driven a dozen times or less since I got my license when I was 21. Brenda can only train me for two weeks, then she’s not allowed in the cab with me. What if two weeks isn’t enough? Driving on the highway scares me and what if I had to drive all the way to Hartford like she did? I don’t know the roads as well as most people either being a passenger so long as I have. However, I really do want to conquer this fear as I know I’d be extremely proud of myself if I did, and God fucking knows I need the money. It’s under the table and I’m going stir-crazy just sitting here, and my sleeping schedule is really bizarre. I want to try to kick this fear. I’d feel so proud and productive and I know the longer I sit around the harder it’ll be, but I’ll make it.

Yesterday, Paula rang me at around 2pm. I was asleep but she left me a note saying to stop by cuz she wants to talk to me. I hope it’s nothing to do with money or her asking a favor of me that I really can’t or don’t want to do. Maybe she just wants to shoot the shit about life. You know, her son, her family, guys, her life. She mentioned something about moving. Or maybe she’ll come out and tell me she’s gay. Fat chance, but for some reason, I still, up to this day, wouldn’t be surprised if she is. Even Brenda suggested it. She is kind of masculine and if needed, ill-tempered, even though otherwise she’s feminine and pretty - her hair, her skin, her teeth, her eyes.

The night before last, me, Andy and Fran called Joe D, Nerv’s neighbor, and really got him, his niece and her fiancée going well. I made some fantastic edits out of them. So now I have side A and most of side B of a 90-minute tape filled with edits of a few strangers, me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Tracy, Bobbie and my uncle, too.

Last night Brenda and I went to see The Exorcist 3. I never saw parts 1 and 2, but I wish I did.

Jai’s officially moved out and may God be with me and grant me yet another great neighbor as good as Nancy and Jai were and Steve and Brenda are. I hope it’s either a straight woman or a gay man. I don’t have to say why I don’t want a straight guy, but I don’t want it to be a gay woman that may, God forbid, be attractive that I can’t have or be ugly that wants me. I highly doubt either one could ever happen though cuz not too many ugly ones want me or if they do, they’re not usually a problem. Like men. Being persistent I mean. And as far as an attractive one - there are none.