I have a whole list of things to write about despite my boring no-life life. So if I remember, I’ll cover Maliheh and court and tonight’s event which never happened due to the curse on me. I guess that’s basically it, but there’s a lot to discuss on each of these things.

First, I’ll just say that my asthma’s doing better. Mark was a great help and a good support to me. The EMTs even told Mark he did the right thing as I needed oxygen and to go to the hospital. It was so scary and I was so bummed out about it that after they gave me the updraft and they left the room, I cried. Mark took care of letting the EMTs in and also locking the door after they took me away and calming Shadow down. He picked me up after and bought me coffee and himself some beer.

Later...

I just had a call from Andy and we talked for an hour. So anyway, I looked back in the previous journals and it looks like I never wrote about that dance I never got to. I’ll have to write all about that as well as tonight’s shit. I forget when it was but I know it was almost two weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a dance at the U-Mass campus center. I was to go alone, though, as Kim had a dinner party to attend in Northampton. She was gonna drop me off and pick me up later. I would’ve been nervous as all hell with her or a whole army of people I knew with me, but that made me even more nervous. However, I fully intended to go and was looking very forward to it seeing that it’s not a bar and it was a non-drug and alcohol deal. The night before we were supposed to go, I fell asleep early at around 10:30. I awoke with a horrible nightmare about Valleyhead at 3:00 in the morning. I tried to force myself back to sleep several times during the morning, afternoon and early evening but had no luck. Also, this particular nightmare only happens 1-3 times a year. After I left Valleyhead, I’d get it all the time for a year and a half, but of all times to get this nightmare! Finally, it hit me once again how something up there was trying to tell me something and is determined to stop me, no matter what. I can go food shopping, to the movies, the bank, anything that does not matter or that I don’t like. Never can I go out and have fun. I knew not to expect a one-nighter with an attractive woman. I knew to keep to myself, mind my own business and not approach anyone. All I was gonna do is get out of this God damn place as I feel like a caged animal. Is this a coincidence or a curse? It’s getting rather obvious now. Especially with what happened earlier tonight to screw up tonight’s plans. I hate knowing my worst fears are real. There are so many things a person can refuse to believe cuz they’re just so bizarre and incredible. We don’t want to believe them and we can’t believe them so we say it’s bad luck and coincidences that just happened for the hell of it till we’re proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it’s true. Curses are all too real and true no matter how scary and unreal the thought of it is.

Last week I saw an ad in the paper for a modeling seminar and search and I really wanted to go for the fun of it even if nothing came out of it. Kim was all excited about it, too. I called the number in the ad and right away I could tell it was safe and secure. The guy I spoke to told me it was at the Sheridan Tara in Springfield like the ad said. He said they had a nice brochure there and it was free unless you wanted pictures taken. He said you could talk to someone one-to-one on how to break into the business and what your potential is and it just seemed like it’d be a lot of fun. And it’s so closely related to music and I was told that’d help as well as the fact that there’s a large demand for petite models. We were supposed to be there at 7:45 tonight. I got up around 2:00, and as I was getting out of the shower and about to put on my makeup, I got this “feeling.” I told myself not to bother getting all decked out. All of a sudden, I couldn’t picture myself going and couldn’t understand why. This feeling of it not being meant to be grew stronger and stronger. I couldn’t figure out why as I was awake and feeling well and was wondering why I had to take another punishment. It wasn’t a gay dance or bar, but it was “modeling.” Not meant to be. That’s all I could feel and then suddenly I thought, oh no! He’s gonna go through Kim to stop me since whatever’s up there didn’t do anything to me.

Then the phone rang. Kim was in a car accident. She wasn’t hurt, but as she was pulling out of the parking lot at work, she got rear-ended. Now you call that bad luck on me? Just a coincidence? No way. I feel so fucking guilty and that’s all I kept telling her over and over. If I wasn’t going tonight, this would never have happened to her. Or if we were going food shopping or to the movies or some everyday thing. Something I hate such as the doctor’s appts. or something that I don’t hate but am not overly excited about. God, what did I do to deserve this? Once again, I believe he didn’t stop me cuz of something bad happening or cuz of nothing happening. I believe he prevented a good thing from happening. The same goes for the dance. At first, I thought nothing would have happened or I’d have some ugly butch or another so-so trying to pick me up. Uh-uh. An attractive woman was there that I would’ve gotten. It would’ve been mutual and I would’ve had my first one-nighter with someone attractive who wouldn’t have led me on and backed out. He stopped it. He stopped it all.