I am watching A Current Affair and next is Hard Copy. Then at 8:00, I’ll record Unsolved Mysteries while I watch a movie called They Live. I’ll be pissed if Unsolved Mysteries is a repeat, but I know it will be. I swear they only make 10-15 shows of each series these days, then keep repeating them. So far, America’s Most Wanted, Top Cops, Cops and Rescue 911 have been good. They’ve occasionally aired stories I’ve seen on Unsolved Mysteries. I miss Reasonable Doubts and it’s a bummer they canceled it. If I could bring back 3 shows besides that, they’d be Twin Peaks with Sheryl Lee as a blond and not with that tacky black wig. Also, Charlie’s Angels and the Bionic Woman.

Monday evening while I was watching a movie, Ann Marie left a message on my machine. She said she got a second job at another grocery store doing the same thing she does at the other store. Meat wrapping. She said she’d like to come see me but is too busy. She’d call me Tuesday on her day off. Well, she never did. I have no idea what’s going on in her life but perhaps I should be careful and just wait. Like I said, if Ann Marie never returned after our first encounter all would be well. But I’d really like to hang onto her and get together once or twice a month. Or every other month. It’ll take another 5-10 years to find another feminine girl who’s attractive and as nice. Plus, she is a good person who thinks a lot like me and I’d never have reason to feel threatened by her. With her wanting anything serious, I mean. Not even if we were neighbors. She’s far from a Brenda S character.

Perhaps if I don’t see her by July or so, I’ll put out a personal ad.

I haven’t seen Jessie. She’s no doubt very busy with all that’s been going on. I really doubt she wants to ever see me here. To talk on the phone, yes, but I haven’t seen her in over a year. Seems to me if you really miss your friend and want to see them, you’ll do something about it.
Current Location: Connecticut

Soon I’m going to bed, so I’ll quickly fill in on other stuff so I’m all caught up. Laurie did return my money as I knew she would. I got Fran’s new phone number. I’ve written several letters and looked at a 4-room apartment today. What is it with the bathrooms in this city? You can’t get both a tub and a shower. It’s either one or the other. It was in an old 3-story house. The living room and one of the bedroom’s huge so it compensates well. In the bathroom, there’s only a toilet and a shower stall which means I’d have to brush my teeth in the kitchen sink. This guy also owns a Laundromat and says he has a nicer and bigger place over the Laundromat but he can’t show it to me till May 11th. This one only has a tub. I’ll wait to see it as well as check out other places. The area was definitely quieter. Both places are $400 with no utilities included.

Later...

I came over to Tammy’s at 3:00 this afternoon. I did two loads of laundry. Tammy and Bill are now at a party. I showed Tammy this makeup kit I got through the mail under a bogus name. She did her hair and her makeup, and when Bill came in he gave me a kiss and took a shower.

Bill had a look in his eyes as if to say, “I love you. Let’s not fight,” which was cool.

Tammy made the girls and me fried chicken and French fries. After they left, the girls and I had a water gun fight and we cleaned their rooms. We had ice cream too, and now we’re watching TV.

Several things have happened since I last wrote and one of them wasn’t so funny. I’ll update all the little stuff first. Laurie’s definitely straight and hung up on her boyfriend.

Lyle moved and stood me up tonight and two nights ago about taking me to practice and a gig. Last Monday night, Lyle and his kids and I went to one other band member’s house. The bass player. I also met the drummer and the other guitarist. They were all nice and the rehearsal went well. I was ticked off about being stood up with Wednesday’s rehearsals. I gave up going to the Sheridan that night to end up doing nothing. That night at the Sheridan there was supposed to be the same modeling and search seminar that Kim and I were going to go to in Springfield till her car got rammed. It ain’t meant to be. Now I know that for sure. Plus, a business like that is a sure way to meet all kinds of rapists and perverts. Even more so than music.

Next time I speak to Rick, I’m gonna demand some facts. Will he transport me instead of Lyle? Is he serious? Does he really want me in his band? Did he speak to Mitch from the country & western band? In plain simple English, I wanna know what’s going on. Over and over he complimented me on my singing, guitar playing and even the keyboards. So what’s wrong? I’ve never stood them up or said or done anything I shouldn’t have. Why do they always back out? Is this my compensation for being hired twice in only 5 auditions total? When will I ever get someone who’s serious?

I just saw a show with people like me who have premonitions, visions and have made predictions. But if it’s so meant to be, as I’ve always felt, when is serious shit gonna start happening? I’m reluctant to mention this to Tammy and Bill cuz they’re only gonna twist shit around or pin the blame on me. They put words in my mouth while they insist they’re not calling me a liar. A major example is last Easter Sunday. On Easter, Bill’s sister and niece were over for a big dinner. That was the day I woke up at 10 AM with a bad attack after only 4 hours of sleep. The previous 4 or 5 days I’d only slept a few hours also. I was unable to sleep at night and was always being woken up by next door. And believe it or not, I was in the living room asleep with the earplug in. I knew I couldn’t control the attack and called 911.

Barbara came over and I rambled on about how hard the complications were to deal with at times. She told the EMTs we’re on two different schedules. Suddenly I became worried about how to get back home. I knew there were no buses and that Tammy was tied up. Tammy has had and is having her share of physical and mental anguish. I did not want her or anyone else to know my business and there was nothing she could do. Especially when Barbara came out and said she’d bring me home. I had no idea after they took me away and she locked up that she was gonna call Tammy, but she did.

After I was treated and released, there was a message that Tammy had called the hospital and for me to call her. Although she encourages me saying that if anyone could work things out it was me, she’s siding with Barbara, saying I let myself get stressed out and I should’ve stayed home. First of all, this situation is no one’s fault, although it has been quieter next door and easier to sleep. I also don’t “let” myself get all stressed out and in this situation, it’s pretty hard to avoid it. Lastly, you know when you can’t control an attack and need oxygen and an updraft. There’s no guessing and assuming you can control it at home. I’ve had enough experience with this to know. The EMTs said the same thing. That was really low of her about the stress, partly after her saying she herself had to go to the ER due to Ma’s shit when Ma was there last summer. Ma’s a bitch, but I’d rather one day with her than to live here and deal with this place on a daily basis. I never once came out and blamed her for bringing on her own stress and saying I don’t feel sorry for her, she asked for it, etc.

She asked me why I call Barbara up and cuss her out which is BS, and Barbara can tell her so like she told me she would.

That’s what pissed me off about Tammy. Now here’s what pissed me off about Bill.

Tammy and Barbara misunderstood each other about who’d be picking me up. Eventually, Bill did and Tammy was upset about that which wasn’t my fault. When Bill picked me up I asked him to stop at a gas station. The drugstores and everything else were closed. I told him I had to get a few things. He said cigarettes were what I wanted and I said yes, that was one of the things. I said loud and clear, cigarettes, candy and pads. He said they don’t sell pads there. I said they did cuz I’d seen them before in there. However, they were out of stock with them so I got some cigarettes and a candy bar. When I got in the van, he said, “Don’t fuck with me. I know you got cigarettes.”

I said, “Yes I did and I told you on the way here that I was getting them.” I also told him he’s not my daddy and I’m not a child and I had no reason to lie or feel intimidated by him or anyone else.

Tammy said Bill said I never left the counter. I didn’t need to as the place is so small. You can see everything from the counter. She said, “No one’s calling you a liar, but my husband wouldn’t lie.”

I said, “You guys are my sister and brother-in-law. Not my parents and your husband IS a liar.”

She hung up on me and called back the next day as if nothing ever happened.

Earlier, I spoke with Laurie. I even lent her $10 which is something I never do, but thanks to my sixth sense, I know she’s good for the money. In return, Laurie did me a big favor. She has a washing machine and she let me do two loads.

Last night I spoke to Lyle over at his place. I played him some edits. He still really wants to move as well as Laurie and I do and he hates some of the people here. They gossip, but that’s life no matter where you live.

I hung my clothes all over the place to dry, and Tammy said I can do any laundry at her place Wednesday. She needs to go to the fire department for a blood drive they’re having, so I’ll be babysitting while she’s gone.

We had a few days of fairly nice weather where it was around 60º. Now we’re having a chilly spell again. I really wish more than ever that it’d warm up. I can’t wait to see Andy and go to the beach.

Tomorrow I should be getting a call from a woman named Laurie about an apartment. She’s currently trying to evict the guy living there now due to him not paying rent.

Gee, all the Lauries I’ve been meeting lately!

I went to the state welfare people and I’ll be going back soon for a photo ID for food stamps. They’re only $15 here, but if I get this apartment they’ll go up as the rent’s $425. I will also get the cash assistance I can’t get here. I wanna hurry up and beat the summer as far as moving. It’s a war zone outside in the freezing cold winter until 7 PM, so one can only imagine the summertime when the kids are out of school. Also, cuz of next door’s noise. These walls are so thin that we may as well all live in the same apartment. I hate this apartment with a passion!

Later...

I just got off the phone with Kim who sounds like she’s in a great mood. We went on and on with our lines and stuff like that. She says she’ll write another letter as well as come see me. She said she thought about just showing up here and surprising me. Soon her orientation will be over, so she’s gonna come see me then. Maybe within a month. I wasn’t about to say hello to Mark as he’s at work, but we had a good talk anyway. I really do miss Kim and I sure as hell miss my apartment.

I have tons of letters to write but I’m not gonna start them tonight.

Andy had called Laurie H for 5 minutes about a bogus 963 form. A scene of an accident, supposedly. I wanted to get her taped to be edited. I played Kim part of that. I edited Laurie but I have much more to do as far as other stuff. I edited the CP lady from a few recent calls with her and Fran.

I guess I have rehearsals tomorrow night at Rick’s house. Lyle will have to let me know.

I hope that girl Laurie calls with some good news on the apartment. I have no good vibe but I also have no bad vibe. I must begin getting boxes and prepare myself for if I have to move fast in order to get a place they can only hold for so long.

Not much else has been happening. Last Friday, Tammy, Becky and Sarah were here. Only for a few seconds as Tammy needed to go shopping. She took me and my guitar with her and I played it with the girls while she was in the store.

As for Laurie, I highly doubt anything will happen. Sexually, I mean. I think she’s straight.

I never heard from Ann Marie, but I left her a message on her machine a little while ago.

Why do the people next door need to bang so much? Even at this hour with their kids asleep, 30 seconds don’t pass without a slam, bang or chairs and tables sliding.

I have two shrubs right outside my front door and having 20 kids in them screaming at the top of their lungs was no joy ride. I told them they can play all they want, but not directly under my windows and on my doorstep. With the way they’re always playing and throwing balls, I’m amazed they haven’t smashed a window yet. Not just mine, but anybody’s.

I tried to sleep but as usual, I can’t. I feel really shitty and can’t wait to see a doctor as much as I hate seeing them and antibiotics. I also need to do a hell of a cleaning job in here.

Damn! Do I need to quit smoking or what? I guess at this point if being able to breathe means always dying for a cigarette and gaining 20-30 pounds then that’s what I’ll need to do.

If Andy doesn’t call by 1:15 then I’m gonna go to bed and I’ll just lay there even if I can’t sleep.

Last night I had a nice talk with Jessie. She called and we spoke for over an hour. She’s very upset with her father and several other people in her family. Her grandfather also died and she fears her grandmother may go any minute too, due to having cancer and other problems.

God, do I ever feel like shit now. My chest is so tight and I’m so tired. I definitely cannot sleep well here. Who could? In MA my schedule was weirder but at least I slept. I seldom lacked sleep like this. The more you lack, the harder it is to catch up. Sounds funny, but it is true.

I hope Lyle has no problem with bringing me to the ER tomorrow. He said he would and he seems pretty reliable. He said he’d knock on my door. Believe it or not, I do have some good news as I mentioned before. Practice was canceled last Monday night as there was a problem with other band members. What, I don’t know. It worked out for the better as Rick was over here that evening. Even he said he was glad it turned out that way as he had no idea about my guitar and keyboard playing. The sooner the better he said so he could alter the sets, songs and work these things in. Since there are 4 of us in the band, he may have me play either guitar or keyboards every now and then as we may have to drop to only 3 of us at times. One of the guys in the band can’t always get out of work, so that’s when I’d fill in. He was so impressed with my guitar and keyboard playing that I was a little shocked. He said, “You’re way beyond basic chords only and you made it sound like you knew very little.” He really really was like, wow! I told him that was flattering and he said, “It’s not flattering. It’s telling it like it is.” So that’s cool and I spoke to dad on his birthday and I’ll write a letter with more details when things get going. Rick said that now that he’s heard me play, he’s gonna change stuff around but that it was worth it.

As far as Laurie goes, I highly doubt she’s ever into women. If so, not me as she’s made no real attempts to talk to me much. Then again, she no doubt assumes I’m straight and doesn’t know me from a can of paint as Tracy used to say. Usually, if you know someone’s gay or not and you like them, you at least try to talk to them, get to know them and find out what you can. This doesn’t change the fact that she’s attractive but I feel she may be one of those who tries to mold a person into what she’d like them to be.

Well, Andy’s late on calling me as he usually is so I’m gonna go to sleep.

Later...

Yes, of course, I’m still up. I took an extra half Theo pill so I do feel better. Less tight. I knew Andy wouldn’t call. Think I’ll go listen to music now.

Later...

I am outside sitting on my back steps as I write this. It’s a beautiful day. More summery rather than spring. After winter there’s hardly any spring before it goes right into summer. Shadow’s taking a nap in a pile of leaves. Jenny, Layne and her sister Jessica are playing jump rope. One of Barb’s sons and his friend are now joining in the game along with playing with their basketball.

I chatted with Barb and Dave and Dave’s gonna look around for a used washer for me. I hope I move soon, though. Barb and Dave and their kids know I like them and I know they like me, but living in a building like this sucks.

On my way back from paying the rent, earlier, I ended up speaking to some guys who asked about the band. They’re friends of Lyle’s.

Also, a black woman (I think her name’s Ronda) and I chatted for a while. I met her son who also knows Lyle and Barbara.

Right after I last wrote and began listening to music, Andy did call. He wanted to wait till after 11:00 his time for the cheaper rates now that he’s 3 hours behind again.

I feel better today but I’m still pretty gunked up with congestion. I’m not sure if I’m going to the ER later. We’ll see what’s up with Lyle. I dusted and vacuumed today, had all the windows open so that should help. Cuz this place is on the ground and is so small, just opening my back and front doors airs the place out well.

I got another letter from Bob which is typical Bob. The man is only happy like twice a year. Both his childhood and his adult life are a million times worse than mine. Knowing how mine was tells me something…that his sucked.

Later...

I am now on the phone with Andy and Fran. They’ve spoken to the CC and with Melissa who was boring, though. Andy’s doing his cactus and palm tree problem. I’m his crazy little sister and Fran’s the crazy visitor from next door. They just hung up but Fran called both me and Andy and we were on the phone for an hour and a half.

I went to the ER and was amazed at how quickly I was in and out of there. Lyle took me, along with his son and daughter Naomi and Kevin. Lyle’s sister had a baby girl so he had wanted to see her, but it was too late. Lyle’s gonna go see her tomorrow when he gets home from work and I’ll be babysitting for the kids. At the ER I got Theo and Amoxicillin. I also got those Lactaid tablets which do help.

Tomorrow I have my appointment at the state welfare office.

I sure hope I get some sleep even if it is only a few hours as I got up at 1:00.

I went over to Barb and Dave’s today telling them they were gonna die laughing at my request, but they know it’ll work. I told them how most of the time I set my alarm, yet even wearing no earplugs I never can wake up to it, so can they wake me up? Therefore, before she leaves for work, she’s gonna bang on my bedroom wall which is her living room wall. Funny, huh?

I have more tapes to edit. I have tons and tons of editing to do.

Lyle says he may be getting a 3-bedroom house on a farm within a week. Either way, he says he’s moving whether or not he gets the house. I said I’d join him in apartment hunting as I’ve got to get the hell out too. The people I’ve met are nice but there’s so much I hate dealing with here. The walls are too thin. The outside is a zoo till 9 PM. This summer it will be a zoo from 8 AM-midnight once school’s out and the weather’s warm. Also, this apartment sucks. It’s way too small and I sure do miss showers as much as I also enjoy baths. I hope that by the time I’ve finished the next journal I’m out of this dive. Hopefully way before, but who really knows? I’ve got to start picking up newspapers and looking for a place that’s no more than $500 a month. Hopefully, a place on a bus line in a decent size place even if it’s not as big as the Woodside Terrace apartment. A fairly quiet place, too. It’s dead quiet here at night compared to Locust St., but the noise in the daytime more than makes up for it.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any better. They sure started off shitty, though. After barely 3 hours of sleep and wearing my earplug, they fucking woke me up next door.

I called the state supplement people about moving into a private apartment here. Cuz my rent’s already subsidized, I won’t qualify for a cash supplement. I will get food stamps and medical, though. If I got a $400 apartment they’d give me a check for $200 on top of my $442 from SS and SSI. If I got a $500 place, I’d get a check for $300 besides my $442. Also, more food stamps. I was told I can begin looking for an apartment ASAP. Lyle will help along with others he knows. Dave says he can get a truck and will save boxes for me. I’ve got much more to write about as far as Rick and the band and also Jessie, but I want to see Geraldo first.

Andy is to be calling around 1:00 my time. Maybe around midnight. I’m so tired, though, and don’t know if I can stay awake. That’s lucky for me, though, as I really must catch up on my sleep. Plus, I need to be up early to go to the state disability and welfare office Thursday morning. I feel pretty shitty due to the drastic temperature changes. It’s gonna be warming up but that’s ok with me. As you know, 2-3 times a year I need antibiotics when my congestion builds up. It’s been not too cool for a while now and it’s probably infectious by now or well on its way. Tomorrow Lyle said he’d take me to the ER. That’s the only place I can go till I get my cards. Barbara took me to a walk-in clinic but they wouldn’t see me saying they have no federal funding. I at least got my meds refilled.

Boy, do I have lots to write about! And good stuff, too! I got in a band!!!!!! So soon too, since I’ve only been here barely two months is amazing. Shockingly it was my first audition.

Early last Friday night, my sister gave me the best lecture ever telling me not to give up. Don’t back out. Gloria never backed out. Follow your dreams, conquer your fears and go out with Lyle to the bar and go for it. So Lyle, who’s not in the band, took me to a bar in Ledyard to meet his friend Rick. Rick’s the leader of the band and has been friends with Lyle for years. Lyle’s job is to help with the equipment and the sound system. It was a small bar, not sleazy and no one bothered me.

This isn’t the band Rick’s normally in and which I’d be in, hopefully. He was filling in for someone who was sick, I guess and was friends with the drummer, Carl. This particular band (I don’t know the name of it) was a country band. The one I’ll be in is geared more toward soft rock. A mix of various types of music but no hard rock or heavy metal. Thank God. Everything happened so fast that night. I was completely blown out of my mind and shocked. Too shocked to feel nervous or much of anything but I had a great time and was glad I went. As the story unfolds, you’ll see why all I kept saying to myself was - oh my God. I sat with Lyle as he operated the sound and controlled the equalizers and all that. He put headphones on me so I could hear what the people on stage could hear. It is very different from being in front of the amps. It was loud but I could bear it and I got used to it. I also handled requests. People would write the songs down they wanted to hear on a napkin, or whatever and I’d hand it to Rick and some other guy (I forgot his name) in between songs.

There were 4 people. Carl on drums and Rick, another guy, and an obvious lesbian named Wendy on guitars. They all took turns singing songs except for Carl. Rick was good and so was the guy whose name I forgot. He was an older guy with slacks, a dress shirt, and suit jacket. He sort of looked like a businessman. Wendy was having some sort of trouble with her voice but her base playing was fine. She was either timid or tired. Her voice was very soft and she kept going flat. Also, an older lady would get up on stage and sing every now and then. She was good. So, due to Rick being busy with the band, I figured we’d never have time to even talk much. However, I did end up singing. During intermission as they have 4 sets, I sang in the back corner of the stage. Some Linda Ronstadt songs. They turn the jukebox on during their breaks and he told me he was amazed at how I could sing a song on key while the jukebox played a totally different song. Then, he looked at me and said, “You have a hell of a voice. You’re in. I’ll talk to the other guys in the band.”

I couldn’t believe it! I was psyched! The name of the band is Power Glide and I have rehearsals at Rick’s house tomorrow night at 7:00. Of course, I’ll be going with Lyle.

I told Tammy, Mom and Dad, whose birthday was Sunday. He’s 61. I told Mom and Dad I’d write all the details in a letter to them.

How often and where I’ll sing, I don’t know yet. Or even about the money, but who cares? What really matters is I’m in the band!

Before I forget, Wendy, who did seem nice, asked for my number cuz she knows an all-female band. That’s nice. I’ve always thought about an all-female band. Maybe I’ll rotate from band to band like Rick does.

I called and told Andy, Bob, and Kim and left a message on Cassandra’s machine. Jessie called me last night and I spoke to her for an hour or so. I’ll have to call Ann Marie if I don’t hear from her soon. She said she’d call me about coming to see me on Tuesday.

It’s funny how it all started, and Laurie, who I met at Price Rite agreed. She said, “It’s neat how you tapped me on the shoulder and I knew a guy who knew a guy in a band.”

And all cuz Laurie was pretty. That’s why I first began chatting with her. If she wasn’t so pretty, I’d have never found out about all this. I wonder if she’s bi or has ever been with a woman or thought about it. Once I get to know her, Lyle and Rick, the subject will eventually come up. They all do seem quite open-minded and as if they have all types of friends. Just in case Laurie’s completely straight and so she doesn’t feel threatened, I’ll let her get to know me first. Plus, I like wondering and guessing. The chase is always more fun than the capture, but I sure would love to capture her for one night. I doubt I will, but who knows? My “feelings” tell me there’s a possibility. Also, due to certain things she’s said and certain ways she’s looked at me, it makes me wonder. I learned from Maliheh, though, not to assume and jump the gun.

Later...

Last Thursday night Fran and I were on the phone for 2 hours and 15 minutes. He called me, of course. Melissa, the CP lady was a great source of entertainment for a while. Therefore, I have more edits to make of her as I taped the entire conversation. Andy and I spoke on his night off and he spoke with Laurie H for a few minutes. All about how to fill out an accident form. She’s been edited.

That’s all the news I have for now. Tomorrow, I must go pay the rent which is now a flat $100. Also, to get refills on my Theo and Alupent.

They’re coming to spray here tomorrow and UPS should be delivering my microwave from mom and dad. With lots of popcorn, dad told me.

I hope I can get a fairly decent amount of sleep as I slept till 2:00 today. Really 3:00 as the clocks went up an hour. Now Andy’s 3 hours behind instead of 2. Their clocks stay the same all the time.