Natchaug Hospital…

I thought I had a lot to write about the last time I wrote – well – I’m now in Natchaug Hospital in Mansfield, CT due to all the stress and anxiety at the project. I was only getting a few hours of sleep on most days cuz of next door. The zoo outside was killing me and I just got over a 3-day cold. My first one in almost a year and a half.

I got sick of being woken up by next door and listening to 10,000 screaming people outside. I detest the apartment and miss my waterbed. I’d sleep in the living room and still get woken up. It was like living in a studio with 6 other people. A few days ago I was on my way to get the paper to look for apartments when I realized I needed change. I went into the Community Resource Office to ask this guy for change and he asked me my name. When I told him he told me his name was Jim and he heard all about the situation. He then said his job is to help people move and take care of the financial part, too. I was shocked and thrilled! He said the quickest way is fire, flood or eviction. I told him he could keep the fire and flood as I value my stuff. I would stop paying my rent if I had to. He told me it’d take a day to two months for me to be moved. They’d pay first month’s rent and possibly get me a truck. So I filled out the paperwork with general information and the millions of reasons for wanting to move. Meanwhile, it was 95º and I was going through my cold, getting no sleep, and going crazy cuz of the outside noise.

I spoke with Nervous, Fran and Andy, and even had another long talk with Dad to try to keep me cheerful till I moved. I’d watch TV and listen to music but nothing would calm me down and relax me. Two nights ago I’d reached my breaking point and my nerves were stretched to the limit. It was around 3 AM and I told myself to go to sleep and relax as soon I would be moved. It didn’t work. I felt trapped, suffocated and terrified. I was so anxious and stressed out and way too revved up to fall asleep. I called the CC. I told him the situation and that there was no way I could stay there one more minute. My asthma was out of control cuz of my stress and lack of sleep. I called an ambulance as the CC told me and they came and took me to Bakus ER. There, I slept on and off and spoke to a woman who is a social worker and also the commissioner at the Norwich Housing Authority. She knew Jim and the situation and while I was there I tried to reach Tammy by phone but got no answer.

I was gonna stay at Bakus on their psych ward but they had no more beds, so they brought me here by ambulance and it is a far cry different than all the other places. When I first came here I was crying and scared shitless. The staff is so friendly, though, and so aren’t the patients. There are only about 10 other patients and it’s a small unit. My roommate Lindsay is very nice but upset at her family now.

Speaking of my family, Tammy, Mom and Dad have all been very supportive and proud of me for seeking the help I knew I needed.

Yesterday I spoke briefly with a shrink who shocked the hell out of me. He was the first after a zillion shrinks to say anything kind to me. He told me I express myself well, communicate well and do not need to be here, I need to move. I’d rather be here till I move.

Tammy came to the ER to take me to her place but I was already on my way here.

The shrink spoke to Mom and Dad and said I need no medication but in the evening I requested a sleeping pill. Never again, though, as I woke up extremely groggy.

Last night and this morning I had my first shower in almost 4 months since I moved.

I’m not sure what time it is now but I just made a really pretty beaded bracelet and polished both my fingernails and my toenails. Lindsay let me use her nail clippers. She has a journal, too. One of the same ones I have.

One staff member here is from England and I was imitating her accent for her.

The food here is good. Not your typical hospital food.

I played the piano earlier but some of the keys don’t work and it’s way out of tune.

Later...

Now for my really really super good news. Dad’s coming up!!! He’s gonna be here Friday! I’m psyched!

I got here yesterday at 4 PM. Tammy’s begun to pull out my valuables. She’s taken care of Shadow and is feeding him every day. She also took out my garbage and did my dishes and is gonna get my mail and do my laundry. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay her. She, Bill and the girls came up to see me today. She brought me some clothes, this journal, my Word Find book and some pictures of Gloria.

Everyone here thought she was my mom and that I’m 17.

I cried after they left. Especially when I was sitting on my bed and noticed a piece of paper under my pillow. It was a get-well note from Lisa. That was so sweet of her.

Later...

I just tried to call Mom and Dad for the third time but there’s no answer.

They have a couple of lounges here with TVs, a VCR and coffee, snacks and fruit drinks. They have a huge box with all kinds of beads. Lots of different colors, shapes and sizes so I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah bracelets, too.

When I spoke to Mom and Dad last night she asked if I wanted Dad rather than her to come up. She said she didn’t want me to feel as if I have to choose, but I agreed on Dad coming up. I told Mom I love her for her concern and that she is who she is, but I am who I am too, and Dad and I have more in common. She agreed and said she understood. I can’t wait to see him!

I’m gonna see if I can get Tammy to contact Andy and let him know where I am.

I just remembered a funny thing. A couple of months ago, Tammy and Bill went to a birthday party for a friend and Bill got smashed while Tammy got a little tipsy. On my memo board in my kitchen, I wrote Mom’s zip code. Tammy was really pissed at her then and she wrote ‘bitch’ and ‘asshole’ next to her name. Perhaps I should tell her to erase it now that Dad’s coming.

The place I mentioned escaping to several pages back was down at the schoolyard. Across the huge open field is a hill. At the bottom of it is an elementary school. I sat on the swings for a while as some kids played basketball. Some other kids were playing in a sandbox and I noticed a jungle gym with slides, bars and a flat part big enough for someone my size. I was trying to tan there and get away from the chaos. At first, it wasn’t easy. Some kids just had to smother me, scare the shit out of Shadow and ask me 100 questions. I was thinking, just shut up, get away, leave me alone, why do you think I came here?

Finally, they split.

Shadow follows me everywhere, of course, and it was so funny seeing him trying to climb up to get to me. He tried climbing up the slide and kept slipping back down.

It’s almost 10:30 now and soon they’ll be announcing the last cigarette. After you’ve been here 24 hours you can smoke whenever you want if you go outside. When it gets dark, a staff member must be with you. During your first 24 hours here you can only smoke at scheduled times.

I hope that while I’m in here I get a letter from Andy. I could really use one and he says he’s got letters for me from other people.

Right now I can’t think of much more to write about and I’m getting sort of tired. Maybe I’ll be able to sleep soon but I don’t know for sure. I am a night person. I should try cuz they’re gonna wake me up at 7:00. Isn’t that crazy?!