I just cleaned the stove and the two main computers. Next, I’ll have to do the bathroom and the microwave.

I spoke with Andy. He said he misses making prank phone calls, but wouldn’t dare call the same number twice or say anything too crazy. So, I told him that as long as he dials and lets me just listen, I wouldn’t mind listening in. I did speak a little, but we basically only spoke to each other as if it were a case of crossed lines. Maybe being bad like this will get me a kid since I didn’t have a husband when we did the bulk of our prank calls. Nah - it’s not bad enough. I’d have to deal or do drugs or kill someone.

Andy says he wants to try to go the whole month of January with no pot and that when he’s stoned it blocks him from having any premonitions. Makes sense. On January 15th, though, I’ll ask him if he senses what I do about a kid.

He also told me something else that seems rather unbelievable. Well, he’s got a 160-page journal he was gonna write a letter to Stevie in, but he wants to get her a smaller one. So, in the meantime, he’s gonna write his very first journal, he tells me. And he’s gonna let me read it, too.

Tom’s up now and I wonder if he’s over his cold. More so I wonder - did he ever really have a cold? Or is he saying so to avoid sex? Or play into my head that there’s a third source trying to help stop us from doing things? Did God have anything to do with his cold if that’s what he has to get in our way? Is he saying it to make me feel guilty about smoking? He doesn’t smoke yet he’s had 3-4 colds since we met and has less energy than I do in some ways.

Later...

Right now I am in a very good and positive feeling mood. I don’t know if this means our dreams will come true and I haven’t had any visions yet, but I do have good feelings for one or all of the following months. April, June and September.

It’s already next year in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida.

Dad and Mom called me and I also got to talk to Goldie and Al who were there. They also said they spoke with Boo & Max and Charlotte & Jim who are there in Florida too, of course. I asked Dad what was the occasion that made them send another package and his answer was, “Just because you’re you.”

I called Tammy and they were all falling asleep.

I forgot to mention that all her kids are really ugly which is sad. I liked the pose they were in and the way they were set up in the pictures, though.

I also called Larry who appreciated my call and I was amazed to hear that everyone else was asleep.

I made a request to Tom that he did that I really didn’t think he’d do to help me when I’m feeling hopeless. I had him write in the angel journal that he felt 100% sure we could have a family on our own, but that if I wasn’t a mother or at least pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to as many doctors as we needed to. I’m really glad he did this and I’ll read that over and over when I’m PMSing or whatever.

In about half an hour I’ll be watching the ball go down in Times Square, even though it’ll be taped. For now, I’ll go get the dishes done, so that and the laundry will be done and out of the way. Till next year!

My Time Has Come - 1981

My time has come.
I must say goodbye.
My bags are all packed,
and I’m ready to cry.

Chorus;
And I just wanted to let you know,
I’ll miss you all.
And I just wanted to let you know,
thanks for all your help.

Well, my friend, I know,
that even though this place helped,
it also hurt,
but now I must go

Chorus;

Well, like I said,
my time has come
I must say goodbye,
and walk out the door.

Carry Me Away - 1982

Carry me away
Carry me away

I don’t want to live in misery.
All I want in life is to be free.
Take me to where the sand meets the sea
I’m free.

Carry me away
Carry me away

I can see the road now,
I must travel on.
Moving from place to place,
never home too long.

Carry me away
Carry me away

Someday I know I’ll find it,
but it won’t be on the road.
I may not be a young girl,
but at least I’ll be happy when I’m old.

Carry me away
Carry me away

A Light in The Dark - 8/27/91

I see a light in the dark.
So trapped, so alone and so dark.
Yet there’s a light.
A light in the dark.
Wishing, wanting, hoping, while trying to remain grateful.
Grateful for my beautiful surroundings.
Grateful I’m feeling and looking well.
Grateful for the many gifts I have, yet it is still dark.

Friends will come and they will go.
I’m so cut off, please don’t go!
That one very special friend had to go.
I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light.
A light in the dark.
I still have the same dream, and so it seems,
the vision won’t go away.
I know I should walk away.
I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light.
A light in the dark.

I see a light in the dark.
I bide my time, one step at a time.
Some things have ended.
Will my patience be rewarded?
It’s so dark, yet there’s a light.
I see a light in the dark.
Yes, I see a light in the dark.

Eight Months of Mystery - 10/8/1994

The sun has gone down.
Time to call for a cab.
She arrives at a place,
where she must put on a face.
A face they called ‘Mystery’,
till the end of the night.

Chorus:
Eight months of Mystery, dancing away.
To the beat of the drums, she’d pay her way.
No need to hang up her dancing shoes yet,
she had to get out of debt.

Another costume, another night.
It was a fun and adventurous time.
But when it became nine months,
someone swept her off her feet.
Someone most only ever dream to meet.
Time to jump into yet another life.

Chorus:
Eight months of Mystery, dancing away.
To the strum of the guitar, she’d pay her way.
Time to hang up her dancing shoes, but only in that way.
For the memory of Mystery will always live on.

Never Forget - 4/14/1995

My best friend took a trip back to our home.
He took a picture of what we used to call home.
Hang onto this he said, remember where we came from.
No chance of me forgetting the hell from which I came.

Chorus:
It’d be something I’d never forget.
Gotta run now, I may never get the chance again.
It’d be something I’d never forget.
I’m running now as fast as I can.

Remember those cold dark winter nights.
Remember the sounds of the sirens and
the gunshot blasts all night.
Another dealer’s been taken away,
but only for today.

Repeat Chorus:

We won’t forget the food stamps, oh no.
We won’t forget the poverty and destruction.
It’s where we came from, you know.
Did you go by your old neighborhood today?

Repeat Chorus

Walk Towards the Light - 9/13/1995

In the middle of the night, the dream came to me.
All was silent in the hallways, left to right.
The unknown voice began its message.
So seemingly scary, so out of place.

Chorus:
You’ve done your time here, my dear
You must go to your proper place.
You’re free to go now and walk towards the light.
Walk through the gate and down the tunnel.
Walk towards the light.
This is what it told me.

Woke up in a sweat, tried to make sense of it all.
It wasn’t till I was at the airport that it finally made sense.
Stands tall and thin, the symbol of peace, they told me.
Unexpectedly came the big change, although something did try to tell me.

Repeat Chorus

Tammy wasn't kidding. She really did send us something. I was hoping it'd be a video, but it was a few pictures of the girls and a card. This was still great and Tammy, who still has 3 years to go in medical school, is graduating this semester with honors. I spoke to her afterward and she says she hasn't gotten another package from Mom & Dad. She also hasn't sent Larry the letter I typed up yet cuz things have been hectic.

I made the spag and had a big serving of it. Not to mention the pizza I also had and granola bars. So much for my diet. And cutting the cigarettes down.

I’m taping what seems to be a very good movie right now.

I just got done listening to music and the movie won’t be over till 4:00.

No calls from Andy or Karson. I thanked Karson for not calling me 3-4 times a day.

I slept forever yesterday, so I’ll probably be up forever today, too.

Boy, if I wanted to or had to for some reason I could really make this journal last a very long time. If I typed it all with small print and printed back to back it could last several months. If I began my first one like that, it probably would’ve lasted over a year. The only way I could ever have a journal last over a year would be if I had been a singer or if I’d had a kid. More so if I’d had a kid.

I’m not bothering to make tapes of Little House on the Prairie cuz I’ve seen every single episode many times. I wish it were 4:00, though. I want to see that movie. I started watching the beginning, then went and listened to music. I don’t like to see the beginning of a movie, skip the middle and then see the end. Or see all of it but the beginning. I hate to even miss the first few minutes. Yes, I know I’ve got the thing taped on the VCR, but I don’t want to watch the end after seeing the beginning only to see the middle of it in the end. I’m just picky about stuff like that, I guess.

I saw Xena. She’s this woman that even Andy says is hot on this warrior princess type of show and that he’d do if he could. I guess there have only been about 3 or 4 women that he’s ever seen that he’d do. Yeah, she is my type, but there’s no real spark. Not yet, anyway. I see what he means, though. She’s tough and muscular, yet pretty and feminine. She has long straight black hair to the middle of her back and blue eyes. She looked slightly chunky, though, even though most of it is muscle.

When I pull my hair straight, it goes an inch above the crack of my ass. That’s the good news. The bad, as I said before, are all these fucking split ends.

I’m gonna try to paint cacti the next time I do a painting. When that’ll be, I don’t know. Whenever I’m in the mood for it, I guess.

I still have to finish my painting of Rose’s, but I don’t know how that’s gonna come out.

I miss swimming. I wish it were really hot. Mid-summer is my favorite time here, except for when we’re out doing errands or appointments. Well, I can’t go swimming now or watch the movie, so I may as well get some more stuff printed out. Got about 7 pages ready to print out.

Later...

Got a surprise package in the mail today from my parents. I sure didn’t expect it and who knows what the occasion is. I told Tom I think it’s cuz I’ve done everything “right” in this marriage as far as they’re concerned. I haven’t gotten into any trouble. I haven’t had a kid. Tom said, “No, they sent it cuz they love you and just cuz you’re you.”

Whatever.

Anyway, they sent me a nice denim jacket which will go great with my denim shorts, skirts and pants. It’s not a jacket like a regular jacket you wear when it’s cold, but one you’d wear in an office or something like that. It sure beats those old wool skirts and jackets we used to wear. It hugs the waistline well making me look thin. I also got a denim pocketbook with belt loops and pockets.

Tom got a huge shirt which I’m wearing right now. It’s gonna be big on him as well as me. Its sleeves and ends go down past my knees and I can pull the hood over down onto my chest.

They sent this really nice white-glazed eagle. It’s very modern-looking and it goes well in here but it’ll really go well when we get that newer, bigger and more modern house.

They sent two candles. One’s in a small red glass holder that I think I remember seeing in her place. The other’s white and looks like a snowball. That was probably intended as a joke on me.

They sent a little flower basket that I hung out on the patio.

Lastly, a music box of a mother dog at one end of a seesaw and two pups at the other end. It goes up and down as the music plays.

I’m gonna be watching TV for a little while, then I’ll type some more in here.

Later...

I decided to tape a couple of movies. That way I can forward through the boring parts.

Mary and Dave should’ve gotten their letter today and I hope they liked it as well as the drawings I did for them.

Tom picked up a piece of cardboard that’s specifically shaped and used for doing artwork of various kinds on shirts. That oughta make the job easier. I have 3 more shirts to do and I have ideas for 2 of them, but that’s it right now. I was thinking of perhaps writing my song titles on one of them, including the year I wrote them.

I just called and left a message on Andy’s machine asking for his opinion as to what he thinks about my writing my song titles on a shirt. I have about 22 of them, I think. I killed the song Without the Joy. I have enough depressing songs from before I came here and I need no more.

Tom still says he’s 100% sure we’re not gonna need a doctor in ‘97. He said if we’ve progressed this far, it’s only logical that we’ll continue to. Yeah, but we haven’t progressed in ways that make him cum and how does he know that he’ll be doing this by then? I still feel that I have to beg for sex, for the most part, it’s just for me for the whole part and when I talk about it he seems to punish me by avoiding sex with me.

Weird.

Anyway, things have been good with us and he checked into the cost of making up mugs with our pictures on them. It’ll cost $60 to have 4 mugs made up, then he has to carve at least two animal plaques, we still need to mail out the computer disks to Tammy’s kids when we get more stamps and get Jenny’s phone certificate.

This weekend we’ll probably go over and discuss using Excel as our long-distance carrier. I don’t see why we wouldn’t, even if it cost the same, but it does cost less. He said cuz she’s my friend, we can at least use it and be one of her customers, even though working for them just isn’t for me.

I wonder why she hasn’t called. She was supposed to call last Tuesday, so I hope she’s OK.

I haven’t checked the latest weather report back east, but I can only imagine how cold it must be. I’m sure they still have snow, too. Ha, ha! They can have it!

Kim must’ve gotten that letter by now where I told her the things I told Bob that were supposed to have really happened. Bob told Kim just about every single thing I told him in a letter to her and asked, “Is that true?” I’m sure he believes it and he’s a very typical male. He’s got no problem hearing about fantasies that include other women, but it would burn him up with sheer jealousy to hear of other guys in the picture.

Well, I guess this is it for this journal. Time for me to go get the other one started, but first I’ve got to type out the cover page. Meaning, my beginning and ending dates, age, and all that shit. Then my entry date page. Lastly, I’ll be binding this thing up into a book.

Something totally amazing happened earlier. Well, today I’m mid-cycle and I said to myself, I’ll never get him to screw me today. Only use his tongue on me. So, he went down on me first, then after that, I proceeded to get him hard with my hand and he said, “Oh, I thought we were done.” I then told him I wouldn’t do anything to make him uncomfortable and he said it was OK. So, once again I started to harden him up, then he sat up to look at the clock. I told him to just relax and there’d be plenty of time for him to do whatever he needed to do unless he really wasn’t in the mood. He said again that it was OK. So, on I proceeded again and I thought, this guy is so damn scared, I’m never gonna get him hard, but he did get hard enough to get in there. As figured, though, he wasn’t in there too long due to being tired and he seemed to be not one bit into it.

Afterward, I said, “Hope that makes a baby. I have a good positive feeling.” I said this to see if his reaction would be as I thought it would. He said nothing, but he grinned as if to say, “Oh, no it won’t. I’ve seen to that.” Then I told him I was wrong when I thought he’d never screw me due to being mid-cycle. He said he forgot all about it, but that it wouldn’t have made a difference. I doubt he forgot about it and he’s right. It wouldn’t make a difference since he won’t cum. Still, it was shocking just to have gotten him in there which is always fun for me anyway.

I called Karson earlier to let her know that Gloria was to be on the Bravo Awards and she already knew about it. She sang one song that I don’t really like and she looked OK. She’ll never look like she used to, but she must’ve had surgery or something. Maybe it was the clothes she wore that were black. She had a nice chiffon flowing gown on, but she couldn’t really be that thin. Especially since she only had the kid a year ago. I don’t know what she did. Maybe cuz she can afford it she got a personal fitness trainer or something. I know she did that after she broke her back.

Andy and I spoke with Karson last night and maybe we will again tonight.

Tom got Mary and Dave’s letter to print out. They should get their letter tomorrow.

I’m still looking forward to writing journals again. I do love the pretty fonts and how fast the typing goes (when I have a lot to say), but there are annoying things about it. Like when I turn the computer off thinking I’ve said all I want to say. Then remember something else I want to write about and having to fire up this damn thing. Or wanting to type while Tom’s using this computer. Also, there are times when I want to write something personal and don’t want to do so with him walking around whether or not he really does read my journals, which I really doubt.

Later...

I hope I’ll be awake on New Year’s Eve to see the ball go down. Yes, I will be now that I think of it.

Yesterday I blew the patio off and washed it down with the water gun. It’s still pretty filthy, but hopefully, I can keep the birds off of it. I chase them out into the grassy area, then turn around and walk back and they follow me back up to the patio. I’ll just have to keep feeding them on their blocks out in the back of the yard and see if that drives any sense into them.

Karson’s either out of her mind, blind or I’m blind. She told me that during the video of the drag queens that did a video for her while she was 9 months pregnant and also as a tribute to drag queens who did her throughout the country, there was a quick second shot of her wearing blue while she was 9 months pregnant. I went and looked back through the video and I couldn’t find it.

I’ve got to get my lazy ass in gear here and do some dusting and vacuuming.

I realized last night that before they had straightening irons when I was in my teens and used to blow dry my hair straight, I still had split ends big time. Tom said the blow dryer would probably cause much more damage than the straightening iron.

Anyway, he’s gonna trim an inch (I hope) on the first, then a half-inch every 3 months. Meanwhile, I’ll sit and trim off split ends here and there. There are only millions of them! My hair is in so much better condition, though, when I do straighten it. It’s more manageable and much softer. When I leave it curly it feels like straw and is a bitch to brush through.

Here’s Linda now on KHITS singing Heatwave.

I sometimes still find myself wondering, like I am tonight, how some people I used to know are doing. I suppose I might want to puke if I saw Norah M now. She must be in her mid to late 40s and look much worse than Gloria does now. Isn’t it sad to know that we all get ugly (or fat), no matter how we started off looking as we were young?

I wonder why Jenny C isn’t married. She said she considered getting married someday and would like to have two girls. The only thing I can think of is that she didn’t find Mr. Right and I think that’s gonna be a pretty impossible task for her if she’s as picky as I used to know her to be. Always has a problem with people. Within a week or so we’ll be sending her the phone certificate and the letter. Tom said that this weekend he’ll call them to see if he can buy one somewhere so we don’t have to wait for it to arrive here. Meanwhile, I wonder if Jenny’s thinking I’m not gonna bother.

I can’t believe it still hasn’t rained. When will it? Now that I think of it, though, I really think that this has been the easiest winter here for me as far as my asthma and allergies go. It’s now almost hard to believe that I was once as sick as I was with attacks that landed me in the ER and constant colds, flues, sneezing, and wheezing fits. Most of it was nerves and the filth I lived in as well as the humidity. Now, I may have a good 10 days or so per month that it really hurts to know I’ll never have a kid, but I’m no longer a daily bundle of nerves and it’s dry here and much cleaner. The air in the winter, though, is still not too good due to the snowbirds.

Yuck. There’s this song playing now that Andy likes. He would.

It’s a bummer knowing that in just a week and a half or so, I’ll be depressed with PMS. I wish periods were every few months, instead of every month.

What should I do now? I could do up another shirt with drawings, but I don’t feel like doing that or much of anything. I wish I had something I was just dying to do. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, it’s that I don’t feel like doing what’s available to me.

Again, I know I should be grateful that I never made it as a singer or can have a kid cuz then I know I’d be crying out for these times of leisure.

Later...

Just as I last typed in my last sentence, I remembered today’s a workout day, so I went and did that. I still have to lose a good 2-3 inches before I feel satisfied and before I can fit into most of my clothes.

Now I’m calling the weather line to see if they say anything about rain. Nope. We’re gonna have highs in the 60s and it’s gonna be pretty dry.

Will Tom let me get pregnant in ‘96? Will God? Still have no vibes about it, but only my logic to go on that says no. Between him and God, he doesn’t want to deal with it and I believe they both don’t think I could survive it. Oh well. I can’t change fate any more than the next person can.

Yes, my legs, gut, and arms do feel firmer, but I don’t know if it’s psychological or not. It’s a good feeling and I hope to hell that I can stick to it for once in for all, cuz I really do feel lousy when I don’t exercise. I feel like one big lazy ball of flab.

I think I’ll go make some spag now. Tom would appreciate that I’m sure.

Journal 104 is done, and that’s got stories in it as well as lyrics. Well, I’ve definitely done enough typing and printing for the day and am getting pretty tired.

I woke up with major gas today and I still have some. I hope it’s not cuz of the milkshakes which are dairy, of course. I really need to lose 6-8 pounds.

I’ve decided that for once and for all I’m gonna trap Tom in his own bullshit. I’m not gonna mention a kid till at least April 1st and I’m gonna do all the little things he says will help him cum. I’ll be fully dressed at all times, I won’t turn the ringer or the fan on too much, and all the other millions of things I need to do that he says he can’t cum cuz of them. My point? To prove he’s full of shit. I’m gonna close in on him, trapping him into a corner with his own shit, and then see what he does. What will his new excuses be then?

Thank God, though, that due to my always being so horny that his tongue has no problem operating cuz he probably won’t screw me till the weekend and there’s no way in hell he will tomorrow. But he’s not a chicken, right? Right!

Now I’m gonna go see if I got any mail on AOL, before eating my chicken pot pie.

Later...

I just asked Tom if I should try quitting smoking now or on New Year’s Day. He said he thinks it’s best to do the things you want to do now, rather than put dates and times on things. Really? Then why hasn’t he done things he said he wanted to do? He said he’s trying. His typical answer.

It’s hard to believe that in just under 4 hours I’ve had only 2 cigarettes, but it’s true. If I’m not doing a good job at quitting, I’m at least doing a good job at stalling them, so far.

Anyway, Tom screwed me earlier and it was great. I don’t feel like a freak, cuz if he wasn’t really close, he did a damn good job at making it look that way. Maybe if he just always acts close, it’ll be OK. It’s when he acts like it’s a chore and he’s not at all into it that makes me feel not too cool about it.

I sang quite a bit today and not too much else. I told myself to do some housecleaning, but I got lazy.

I got a Chanukah card from Bob today. How in the hell can he get ahold of cards in prison? Maybe someone brought them to him or to another inmate and they gave them to him.

Still no call from Kim, so she must be busy. She left me a message while I was drawing up that shirt that she’d be calling Tuesday night, but no call yet. Someone tried calling when we were fucking, so maybe that was her. Whoever it was left no message.

Minnie still hasn’t tried calling back, so who knows what the hell is up with her. Cuz she’s got a kid, who knows when the next time will be that she can call?

After I finish this journal, I’ll have two other blank ones. The cat one Kim sent and the angel one from my parents. I think I’ll do the cat one next. Then, who knows when the next time will be that I type a journal. Watch, though. With my luck as soon as I finish this one, something will happen that’ll take pages to go through and you know how much faster that is to type. I’ll just use the Mystery file for that. I’m only gonna type up my journals in the end anyway. When I’m typing a journal and when I hit a part that’s typed up in the Mystery file, I just zap it on over and copy it in. It doesn’t fuck up documents that are of standard size. Anyway, the reason why I type up stuff when I’ve got lots of stuff to say is cuz that way I’m less likely to forget stuff. My fingers at the keyboard have an easier time keeping up with my thoughts than my fingers do holding a pen.

Later...

I was telling Tom that a part of me wished he would come out and say he was really holding back all this time and the reason why he did was cuz he had plans to cum during a certain time frame, cuz then I’d at least have a little bit of hope. Tom said he knew I wanted that. Well, I don’t want it if it’s true and he’s lying about it and that’s just what he’s doing. Even if he was cumming, it still seems hard to believe I could get pregnant. You’re only fertile 24 hours a month and it’s hard to hit it just right, even if you count. Tom told me last March or so that if it got to be April or May and I wasn’t pregnant, we could count, but that’s just another thing he said that he didn’t mean. I’m still gonna do my experiment to prove all the more that I know he’s full of shit starting New Year’s Day. This way I’ll remember how long it’s been easier.

Last New Year’s Eve, right as the ball was dropping, I knew instantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant in 1995. I wonder if I’ll get a reading on that right before or as the ball drops. If I do, I know what it’ll be. I know I’ll be getting January’s period and February’s and even March’s. At the same time, I can see that I’ll never have a kid, I see more strongly and surely a few months at a time. On New Year’s Eve, I’ll still write whatever I see or feel anyway.

When will the house sell next door? I’m just thoroughly amazed at the fact that it’s been vacant since September 1st. Boy, am I gonna be compensated with sheer hell for all this peace I’ve had over the last 4 months. The for-sale sign’s been gone, but no one’s moved in, so who the hell knows the scoop on the damn thing.

There’s nothing good on TV tonight, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing.

I heard something pretty funny on KHITS the other night. A DJ said that it was to be rather cold at night, so people might want to consider bringing their animals inside. Not a chance! This is Phoenix and if there’s one thing I can say that’s better with the dog situation in Massachusetts it’s that most dogs only go out just to go to the bathroom. Not here. Although there are fewer stray dogs here.

At least any dogs I do hear are off in the distance. For now. That won’t be the case whenever the house next door sells.

Wendy called with a computer question, but Tom crashed about 10 minutes before she called. She and I chatted about what we got for Christmas and for Chanukah in my case, too.

I know what I can go do now. Start decorating an envelope for Mary. I told Ma that it was her turn to be surprised with a letter and drawings and Ma said she’d love it.

Later...

What in the hell is going on? I just did Mary and Dave’s letter in the AndLar file and it wouldn’t print. Then, I transferred it to the KimBob file and it still wouldn’t print, so I left Tom a note about it.

Anyway, I did two drawings on the front of Mary and Dave’s envelope and now there are 3 others I’m gonna do on the back of it.

Today I’m starting my diet. I was gonna wait till the first of the year, but I have Slim-Fast here and already started back up with the exercising two days ago. I’ve never been more determined and anxious to get back into shape than now. I really feel that I look the worst I’ve ever been since 1988. Maybe I’m not as big in certain ways, but I feel like I’ve turned to nothing but flab. My upper body muscles still aren’t too bad, but my lower stomach and legs look terrible. My lower gut looks either 4 months pregnant or like I dropped a kid a year ago.

I just talked to Tammy who says she’s going to the post office tomorrow to mail out a present to us. She said it was delayed cuz the snow delayed the postal services there. Yeah, I believe that one for sure.

Last night, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was due for my period within a day or so. I was so bloated, my tits are sore and I was rather depressed again.

I made a deal last night with Tom which neither of us spoke of bluntly, but it was the kind of thing where we didn’t need to and that we both understood.

First, though, I got two confessions out of him the other day. I commented, “Cuz my pussy’s small, so if you came it’d leak out of me.”

He said, “That’s right,” going to prove once again that I was right about the fact that he never did cum last winter.

Yesterday I said he makes all the major decisions and more and he said, “Yup. Somebody’s got to make them.” Now I don’t know if he was trying to turn that one into a joke, but I’m not stupid. He did make major decisions and more. He decided we won’t be having a kid and he decided to never look for information on Robin, even though he said differently.

I told him the other day that by the time he did look for Robin if he ever did, she really would be dead for sure if there’s a slight chance at all that she’s alive.

Anyway, our deal was basically that he forbids me to have a child and whatever else. Meanwhile, he takes care of me. If I don’t ever want to work, I don’t. I can stay home and bum around and do my hobbies and he provides me with a home, medical insurance, food, cigarettes, journals, etc.

He got a raise and now he’s at $8.40 an hour and won’t get another raise until October. This isn’t enough for us and he says he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. I know him, though. He’ll take forever to look for that new job. I know it won’t be easy for him due to his working weekdays, but if I can’t have a kid, I want money!

I agree with him when he said I may say mean things to the child, but I don’t agree with him when he says I can still have a kid with asthma, sleep schedule and ADD. However, this has all got me thinking if I really want to have a child with him for other reasons that are ruining our marriage in general or stealing our time, lives, money and sanity. If he can make false promises to me, then he can do so to a kid. If he won’t put shit back in place, why would the kid? Not only do I have to think if I’d be a good mother, but if he’d be a good father. Overall, I believe he’d be a better father than most, but there are still faults he has as well as I have cuz no one’s perfect. Well, I’ll never have to worry about either of us doing wrong to a child we’ll never have.

I still feel that yes, I’m doing better at accepting never having a kid, looking at the bright side of not having a kid, etc., but I wonder how much longer will this go on before I’m completely over it. Will every single journal that I write for the rest of my life be filled with me wanting a kid here and there, but bitching about how I can’t cuz he’s lied and is playing with my head and how I’m angry at him and God, etc.?

Later...

Ma told me an interesting story when we were sitting out in Mary’s backyard yesterday. A guy killed his wife 2 houses down and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it. The murderer had kids as they all seem to. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on Daddy over 20 years later. They dug up the area and found the body, then Daddy actually got sent to jail for life.

I’m getting hungry, so I better go make me a shake.

Later...

I look around me and I wonder just how it is that I could feel so cheated by God and Tom. Look at all the wonderful things I’m blessed with and all the freedom I have. I can do what I want when I want for the most part. I really do believe that most women would kill to be in my shoes. I know my sister would.

Anyway, as I figured, Alex hasn’t been able to find anything out about Robin. I’m sure he wishes he could, but he doesn’t have the knowledge of computers that Tom has. He has way, way more than me, but still not enough to get any significant information, I don’t think, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I wonder if Tom has any book about AOL and CompuServe that may explain a little more about how it works. I feel like when I go in there (other than to get my mail or check the weather) that I’m stumbling around blind.

No sex for me till the weekend, although Tom says that’s not necessarily so. He’s due for his “tired” streak. Either that or he won’t have time or feel well enough. Maybe I can get oral sex, but he probably won’t stick it in there and he definitely won’t on Thursday. That’s when I’m mid-cycle. He knows cuz I wrote it on the calendar to help remind myself to start taking my vitamin E at that time.

I’m trying for another CD from Time-Life cuz there are some oldies on it I like. It’s from 1961, but if they mess up for the third time, then they have really got to be stupid. Really stupid!

Last night I finally finished reading all of Bob’s fantasy letters to Kim and boy, was there some really gross, yet ridiculously funny shit in there. There was this part where he says Kim dug her nails into Bob’s ass so hard that he bled and she ripped her nails off. Then she went and took a pair of tweezers to pick her nails out of Bob’s ass.

Sick!

Then he has this girl added to their little get-togethers and her pussy bleeds from so much sex.

Gross!

I guess he’s got a real fetish for blood, pee, puke, and passing out. There’s this part where he fantasizes that he and she have this house and while they’re out in the backyard she pisses, then does the same thing in bed. Another gross thing is how he puts fish halfway inside her and how they wiggle around while half stuck in there. Disgusting! Their other female friend did something amazing. Bob stuck a fish in her while she was asleep, filmed it, then she woke up and came instantly, popping the fish out a good 8 inches or so.

Yuck!

I sure do have a lot to tell at this time. To be honest, the Christmas presents I got weren’t too impressive for the most part, but here’s a list of what we got, he got and I got, nonetheless. We got these Jenga blocks. You set them up and take blocks from below the stack and pile them up till it topples over. We also got two new pool noodles. Nice colors, too. Pink and light blue. We got a picture of a waterfall in a wooded area. We got a plant and a bathtub mat in the shape of a foot. He got a work light and a T-shirt. I got a needlepoint kit and a manicure set.

We all also got our traditional $50 bills. I’ll be using my $50 bucks for mugs with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my parents and Jenny’s phone certificate.

Mary & Dave’s hamster was cute, but so small compared to piggy. His cage is neat, though, with lots of different colored tubes and wheels.

Jackie and Cindy didn’t show up but the following people were there. Mom & Dad, David, Evie, Nickolena, Pam, Jennifer, Ryan, Nora and Ray. Tom was right when he said that Nickolena was kind of laid back while Jennifer was totally out of control. Made me grateful, once again, how I can never have a kid, even though I still do want one here and there.

We screwed for the second time since I last got so fed up with Tom and his lies about it. All was fine, but I’m back to feeling like a freak about it. Will I ever live to see the day when Tom comes out and tells me the truth behind his not cumming? How can anyone want to wait 16 more months to get help with a problem that’s existed for so long? Despite his fears of me getting pregnant, how can he be happy by always getting his own self off? I know he’s got to be relieving himself in the bathroom and in bed when I’m not in there.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but they gave Tom a raise. It sucks, though, cuz he’s only getting $8.40 an hour and he won’t get another raise until next October. So, he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. When he’ll do this, beats me, since he’s a procrastinator with no plans to have a kid. This job is probably a great excuse for him to make sure I don’t get pregnant, even though he says it’d be no problem since he’d just find a better job. Like someone as smart as he is would get me pregnant before finding this better job? I don’t think so!

Now that the holidays are over and we’re going to start improving financially, he’ll have to come up with new excuses for why he can’t cum. As I knew real damn good and well, my staying fully dressed and our changing our angle for screwing, hasn’t made one damn bit of difference. Still, he lies and says it’ll change and refuses to get help. I told him again that I’m sick of being powerless, I want us to get help and am sick of feeling the way I feel about things on and off and he just said I had to live through it. Gee, thanks! In other words, I just have to live through and accept the fact that he’s full of shit, is gonna do what he wants to do (not cum and have a kid) and to hell with what I want while he tells me he cares and understands and wants to see me happy.

Believe it or not, the calm, serious guy did something quite funny that I think I may have forgotten to write about. When he bought the Chanukah candles he tried reading the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English and God, was it sooo funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

Last night I drew flowers, birds and other things on a white T-shirt with those pastel dye sticks from my parents. It was very hard to do, but it looks so cool and I’d love to do some for my Mom, Tammy, Tammy’s kids and Jenny. Also for members of Tom’s family. Tom loved the shirt which I wore to Mary and Dave’s house and he and others thought it looked so professional. Mom and Dad loved their painting, too.

Tom just called from Mary’s house as I got ready to update this journal. He installed a new drive on her computer and he’ll be home in an hour.

I left Andy and Kim messages since I won’t be talking to them for a couple of days. I also left my parents a message and let them know how much I love the pastel dye sticks they sent as part of my Chanukah gift. It’s so cool, too. It’s not easy drawing on a T-shirt or with a crayon-like stick, but I did one shirt so far with flowers, birds, etc. I think Tom will really like it when he gets home.

It’s really neat how much Tom believes in my artwork and brought it into a whole new light by carving my drawings into wood. He’s really good at it, too. He did some of my elephants, camels, flowers, and cactuses and I hope those we give them to will like them. I’d love to do some for us as well as my family. I’d love to send them some shirts with drawings, too.

I haven’t updated since mid-Fri., I believe, so let me begin from there. I got a package from Kim with the videotape and some brochures all about Excel. It is definitely not for me. It’s totally her, though, and we may at least use Excel as our carrier and be her customers. Guess what else she sent, though? A very nice journal that I almost bought once with silver cat face indentations and paws along the binder. A tie-dye T-shirt and a cat calendar. The cat calendar is gorgeous. They’re pictures of cats. A new one for each day. They’re of people’s cats from several different states, including Arizona, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even Germany, Australia, and Italy. At the end of 1996, I might cut them out to decorate journal covers or envelopes.

Yesterday was fun, yet boring. Tom and I took his folks to Turf Paradise to see the horse races, but it was a simulcast from California. Tom and Dad were really into it, but Ma and I were bored, so we went to a nearby swap meet where I got Gardenia perfume body spray and these really gorgeous, multi-colored salt and pepper shakers in the shapes of cactuses. It’s just like my figurine cactus, but these make mine look sick. Anyway, the place was cold, loud, crowded and boring and I swear I’ll never go back again.

Today I did stuff like laundry and I colored in the plaques as well as drew up a shirt. Tom and I still have to put a coat of clear spray paint on the plaques to protect the water-based markers from running. Then wrap everything and put my drawings on them along with their to/from labels.

Yesterday morning, nympho me couldn’t resist his sexual advances and we ended up screwing, but I loved every second of it. My head said not to bother getting caught up in his games and lies again and just take care of myself, but my body cried out - yes! Give it to me! Last night he ate me out, but I think he may be on one of his streaks now where he has no desire. We’re awfully busy, though, so maybe after the Christmas party tomorrow that’ll be at Mary and Dave’s house.

I said something like, “You can get hard, but you can’t cum,” the other day and his reply was, “It used to be that way, but it won’t be anymore.”

Right! Uh-huh. Still, I enjoy our sex when we get around to doing it and that’s a fact and that’s just that!

I guess I’m pretty much caught up here and the next time I write or type, in this case, will probably be tomorrow after the party, or Tuesday.

Boy, this journal’s going slow, huh? I now realize that I have mixed emotions about typing up journals. I especially love it if I’ve got lots to say and I love the different fonts, but it goes too fast sometimes. Especially since nothing ever really changes around here as it hasn’t in the last year or so. If I was really busy or had things changing all the time, then this would be good.

Anyway, I spoke to Kim last night and according to her, I should get the Bob letters she’s sent and a package from her today. She mailed us a tape about Excel and a brochure as well as a Hanukah present she said she through in.

Yesterday I began doing some drawings on continuous computer paper to use to wrap the Christmas presents for his family. He carved some of my drawings into wood and it looks really cool. Later I’ll color them in.

He got Chanukah candles and reminded me to light them the other night and tried to read the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English on the back of the box of candles. Oh, it was so funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

I talked to Tammy and my parents and Tammy has a foot and a half of snow. Last night when I talked to Kim, they got more snow there and she says there’s about 28”!

I asked Tom last night, “If sex is so non-physical and so psychological for you, then why does it matter what I’m wearing?” He said it’s psychological to him. I guess he means in the way that it makes me feel better when I’m all dressed up, rather than dressed bummy.

Last night he told me he was lonely, but could deal with it. Yeah, I believe that one, alright. Since I’ve put the stop to sex, he’s never seemed happier. I wish I were like him. Instead, I find myself wishing we could be compatible sexually, but I know better. He said maybe we could find some way to compromise where I wouldn’t feel like a freak who isn’t doing her job right while we let things progress at their own natural rate. The only thing that’s progressed is me. First we got him inside there, then I moved on to be able to do different positions. He’ll never change and if he’s hoping for sex, it’s just so he can go back to playing the usual game that he’s been playing over the last 2 years. I just don’t fancy the idea of having sex anymore when the other person just isn’t into it, it’s a chore for them, and they’re only doing it to please me.

Yesterday I told Andy a funny story. He said he wished he had a speakerphone so Michelle could hear this. I can’t believe I’ve never told him this. I thought I did. I’m sure I must’ve written about it. Anyway, it was late 1987 or early 1988 when I called Tammy’s and got a snotty woman talking in an accent I could barely understand. I didn’t know it was Tammy’s mother-in-law and that she was from Israel. I said I was Jodi and asked for Tammy, but the snotty woman rambled on saying shit I couldn’t understand, so I told her to go fuck herself and hung up, sure that I had the wrong number. Not so. About two hours later, Tammy called screaming at me - how could you do this to us?! Do what? I was thoroughly confused, then she told me. Oops.

I hear the pigeons out there now.

Since I last wrote things have been great. It’s cuz we didn’t talk about sex or a kid. Cutting sex out is the only way to bring about peace around here, as I said before. Besides, why should I do shit to “help” him when he won’t do what I asked him to do. I asked him to at least pretend he was into it and that he came every now and then and he couldn’t even do that.

Got another 70s CD in the mail yesterday and holiday cards from Kim and Andy.

Oh, I am so fucking pissed, depressed and frustrated I could puke!! What is it going to take to change things around here? Well, obviously the answer’s nothing as I’ve been saying for two years now. Over the weekend Tom “forgot” to make time for us to have sex.

Anyway, I felt like shit yesterday and was tight and congested. When he came home he got tensed out cuz I had made a fuss about making a Doctor’s appointment to see if I needed antibiotics and all I was doing was expressing my concern about the money and the time off of work. Tom insisted it was no big deal if I had to go. Today I feel fine, though, so I’m just gonna wait and see. Meanwhile, after this, he asked me what he could do for me. He said he could either go get Piggy’s sawdust to change his cage, whack my back or screw me. I told him, as he was taking the trash out, that I’d like my back whacked, then for us to screw.

Till this time I had been fully dressed as that’s one of the many things he added to his list of stuff that may help him. Then, knowing he’d be coming into bed with me, I got naked and jumped into bed. Then he returned saying he was gonna go out and move stuff around in the garage to release steam and clear his mind. That’s when I said - fuck this shit! He said he’d take care of me, but now he has to go to the garage and do work. He has to unwind and “psych” himself up to be with me and make me feel like I’m a chore in bed. I just don’t have it naturally? He can’t release his steam by screwing? That’s physical. Then he tells me that sex is a mental thing with him and that the physical part to him is pretty much nothing. Oh. I should’ve known better. If I’ve said this a thousand times and didn’t mean it; I’m saying it once now and meaning it completely. Our sex life is over! Two years of this shit has finally taken its toll on me, this was the final straw and I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely had it! I’m so fucking sick and tired of this man’s fucking bullshit and sexual weirdness and sexual games! I will not allow myself to put up with it ever again! No more! Who the hell am I to not respect myself enough to say no to it and who the hell is he to play with my head sexually, make me feel like the sexual misfit he is and lie to me about having a kid?! Well, I won’t stand for it anymore. If I haven’t got it sexually as far as he’s concerned, then I never will. It’s been two fucking years now and I’m not gonna play games and live fairytales with someone I’m not sexually compatible with and who’s not sexually compatible with me. The thought of him touching me makes me want to puke and totally turns me off more than it ever has before in my life.

I don’t want to leave him and I still love him, but I’d be lying if I said that if a gorgeous woman hit on me I’d say no. Oh, how I wish we could just keep the relationship part of it and have him see other women for sex and me see women for sex, but as I know damn good and well, I’m attracted to straight women. Gay women never have and never will cut it for me and if they ever have, they’re not interested in me or are taken. I asked him again if he was gay and he still swears he isn’t, but what the fuck am I supposed to think? If it isn’t fear of making a kid and if it isn’t me, then what the fuck is it?! The guy will never change and I’ll no longer be a sucker and set myself up to fall. And to be manipulated, lied to and played with. Why? Why is he doing this to me?! Can I ever be good enough for this man? I’ll tell you one thing for sure; I’m fucking sick and tired of others lying to me about and interfering with my dreams and goals. I wanted to be a singer and Scott and others took that away from me. I wanted a kid and Tom’s taken that dream away from me. I can continue on and on with countless people who took things from me and who got in the way of my dreams and goals, but that’d take 20 journals up.

Then he goes on to say that it wasn’t my fault, he accepts me for the way I am and he shouldn’t have gotten upset about the doctor’s appointment. Oh, like this would make me feel any more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and having all the appointments it’d take for that. I’ve come to realize that he’s weaker and more scared than I am. He could never deal with these appointments let alone the rest of it any more than I could.

Then he says that I forgot something that he told me would help him and that I could take or leave. He said I wasn’t dressed. I reminded him that yes I was dressed till I got into bed thinking he was gonna join me after he put the trash out.

Then he goes, “But I remember you lifting up your shirt.”

I said, “So, I can’t even flash you?”

He then said it’d be best if I were dressed all the time that we were around each other unless in bed. Fuck this asshole. He never seemed to mind in the past when I’d flash him. I can’t even flash my own husband, he doesn’t like lingerie, in bed he can’t see me cuz it’s dark, so he either doesn’t like my body or he doesn’t like women.

Then what was I in for? A new thing that may help him. He said he can’t get into sex with me cuz he can’t initiate it in the way he’d like to and I guess that’s less verbal. He said most couples can communicate without words and just know when the other one wants to screw. Perhaps I can tell at times when he isn’t in the mood, but since when did he ever think I was that psychic? So, I asked him, “If I thought you were in the mood, what do I do? Go up and lead you to the bed?” He said that isn’t how it works. Well, then how does it work? Most couples seem to have no problem. Then he tells me that most people start off by screwing and that since we couldn’t, he associates sex with me as oral sex and not that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, right! How the hell can he tell me he looks forward and wants to move forward when he’s looking in the past? He can’t get into me cuz we didn’t start off by screwing? He can’t get into me cuz I can’t always read his mind? What the fuck is it with this guy? When is it ever gonna end? Didn’t I tell you there’d always be new things that needed to be done to help him sexually? Well, as I said, if I haven’t managed to fulfill him sexually yet, I never will and he doesn’t want me to.

I asked him why it takes so long to tell me these new things that he claims will help him and why he’s always got a problem or an excuse. He says the excuses are all in my head. They are? Could’ve fooled me. Then he says that sometimes he doesn’t always realize what I could do to help him.

Oh. Right.

I told him last night that I’d no longer tolerate his games and lies and that in order to bring peace into this house and end the constant confusion and arguing, sex was over. Right away he said he disagreed that that’d help us and that he isn’t giving up. Well, if he’s gonna continue living a lie and playing games and isn’t giving up, then he’s gonna be fucking me in his mind, cuz I ain’t touching him and he ain’t touching me for real. Of course, he’ll try to immediately talk me into having sex again and not giving up. If I give up, he can’t play his game. Well, for once I’m thinking of myself and am gonna do for me. Yes, that includes asking the doctor about that injection whenever I do see him. It’s time to take care of my needs. Not his needs which are bullshit excuses to escape the truth.

Been way too busy to write, but now I can and I sure have a lot to update on. The only bad news is that I’ve been pretty tight and congested. This time of year is always rough on me. I need a round of antibiotics, but the bitch of it is that I can’t call in a prescription. I have to be seen by the doctor.

To begin updating from where I left off would be Saturday. It still hasn’t rained like they were saying it would that day so we had the tag sale that day and raked in 60. We ended up selling stuff we didn’t think we would sell. One woman came and took the couch that Scott gave me on Bell Rd. and we weren’t even planning on trying to sell that.

I met the lady who lives behind us. She and her retired husband live there.

Larry called me that day saying he had a present for me. He told me that since he’s been back in my life, he’s been filling Jenny C in on how my life’s been and she wants to resume our friendship. This is the one that I was friends with from age 9 to 22. She’s a year older than me. In fact, her birthday is on Christmas. Then, we ended up in court cuz I pranked her over the phone, but the courts never did anything. This, I know, really pissed her off.

I thought she and Larry spoke nearly every day, but Larry says they only speak once a month.

Anyway, he said he was doing this for me. I told him he didn’t have to, but thanks anyway. He suggested I send a letter with a long-distance gift certificate for $5 to make her feel more comfortable about calling me and just take it slow and see what happens. He says she doesn’t want to rehash the past any more than I do and is impressed with how my life’s been since I’ve been in contact with Larry.

The phone certificate is something I agreed to, but it’s weird. Why does she need that to make her more comfortable? If she isn’t comfortable without it, then maybe she shouldn’t call. That’s up to her. Meanwhile, I guess I am ready to accept any calls or letters from her, but I’m wary about it. The big question is why? Why not find some new impressive friend to be friends with? Why someone she swore she’d never associate with, insisted was never a true friend, and who lives 3,000 miles away? I don’t see how they’d be up to some no-good idea to gang up on me in any kind of a way, cuz they’re the type to just dump someone, not fuck them over. Plus, I know they know that’d be awfully hard to do with me so far away and that I wouldn’t stand for it if I were still living there.

I can promise this much and they know it. That is that if there are any problems or bullshit whatsoever - I’m gone. You know how I feel about friend sharing.

Only time will tell why she wants to resume this friendship. Especially with me so far away. I must admit, though, that at this point I’m doing this cuz Larry and Jenny want this. I used to be anyone’s friend just about, but now I’m not at all easily impressed by anyone so she as well as anyone else has to really prove themselves to me and give me a damn good reason for why I should be their friend.

At least they can’t hurt me in any way. All they can do is dump me or get dumped by me cuz of something one of us says. I know I’ll have to really watch what I say to Jenny since it’ll all get back to Larry no doubt. If she and Larry lived out here that wouldn’t go over well with me. Having to watch what I say, I mean, and I could never be her friend cuz we’re just too different. Jenny’s the kind that likes to party and I’m the kind that’s a homebody. She’s also pretty selfish, too. If we went to see 6 movies, for example, we’ve always got to see what she wants to see. Not be fair and split it up and see 3 she wants to see and 3 that I want to see. Larry did say that he realized everything wasn’t my fault and that he thinks it was all those drugs I was on years ago, but there are still a couple of things that bother me. I still feel that he doesn’t believe or realize that Jenny did things to me as well. Also, why is it that I have a feeling there’s a little bit of Mom in him? Meaning if I did something wrong to her, he’ll side with her whether I’m guilty or innocent and if she did something wrong to me, he’d brush it off like it was no big deal or pin it on me. Like I said, if one pits the other against me, all I have to do is dump them both. Only time will tell why she wants to be my friend. She tried being my friend two years ago, too.

Chanukah began last night and Tammy called. She asked why I got more stuff than she did and if Mom and Dad liked me better, but then why did her dog get bones while my pig got nothing?

Later...

I just talked to Tammy a little while ago and told her about the idea of Jenny being friendly with me again and she didn’t see any harm in it, either. She asked me if I saw her and Larry intimately. No, but he was with my first roommate Michelle and has admitted to having numerous affairs.

Since she can’t write too well, I helped her out a bit. I typed a letter to Larry and Sandy for her with her giving me the basic idea of what she wanted to say. She wants their relationship to be closer and to know if there’s anything that they’re upset with her about and to talk to Sandy which she hasn’t done yet. I’ll be sending her the letter to send to them cuz if I sent it, they’d see it was postmarked Phoenix.

She says they’re in for a serious blizzard and that she’s not sending them to school tomorrow. She says her dog can’t go out and piss too well cuz there’s so much snow out there. Ha, ha, ha!!!

A couple of nights ago I was talking to Chris. That’s Andy’s gay friend. He said he loved the edits and was cracking up over them. He and Michelle were mocking them and he says he wants to buy copies, so we’ll see.

Tom said he wanted sex this morning, but I guess he forgot to initiate it. No. I think I said something to turn him off as usual. He said we could do it this afternoon, but I’m getting too tired, so it’ll have to wait.

Yesterday I grouped and neatened stuff up in the back room and made major floor space clear. I know him, though, he’ll just re-trash it.

Overall, the weekend was productive, fun, and there were no problems. Since getting my period, I feel much better as usual. Back to feeling - I’d like a kid, but I can’t have one, so, fine. I wish I felt this way every day. Just think how much easier it’d make my life.

Anyway, my current feeling about Jenny is that she’s all talk and really doesn’t ever intend to call or write, but like I said, time will tell.