Yesterday was one of the shittiest and hardest days of my life, but before I get into that, let me say that I got a nice birthday card from Evie and her family. She wrote that I made her day and that she loved the letter and the drawings and will be surprising me soon with a letter. Things are hectic there, she says. Yeah, I’d love to see a woman with a baby find the time to write letters.

I also spoke to Mom and Dad. Dad asked me how it felt to be 30 and I told him I didn’t feel any different. I asked him how it felt when he turned 30 and he said he couldn’t remember cuz it was so long ago. I said, “That’s right! I should’ve known better than to ask that.” He also said that having his youngest turn 30 makes him feel kind of old.

I also got 2 letters from Kim and she enclosed another 70 pages worth of letters she got from Bob. I don’t know if I want to copy all this! Bob also sent me a 2-page letter today and I figured what the hell? He never says anything new, so there’s no use in saving his letter. So, I put comments of my own in to send Kim and maybe I’ll copy it in. He said he had no idea what “the calls” were all about and he hasn’t gotten any more letters. So he did get the letters. I figured so.

I was hurt that Tom didn’t even make me a card on the computer, but like I said, he wanted to see to it that not only was this the worst birthday, but the worst day of my being here. Tom insists that he didn’t mean to ruin my birthday and that I’m entitled to my own opinion. Well, what better way to ruin someone’s birthday than to tell them, “I still want a kid, but I don’t think I want to be a parent with you cuz if you can say mean things to me, you can say mean things to the child.” And also, what better cover-up for the truth which is, “I don’t want a child,” than to say he doesn’t want one cuz of me? He reminded me of how I said I’d do anything for him.

Then he told me a story. He told me that until he married me he was as sure as I am that I can’t have a child and that I would be a bad wife. He said all the evidence was there saying I’d be a bad wife, cuz of my past, my lifestyle before, etc. He said he didn’t think I’d probably be a bad wife, but that he knew I’d be a bad wife. But he loved me enough, anyway. Then, after we married, I proved him wrong, he said. His point of telling me this was to remind me that you never do know, but he made himself as clear as can be for the first time as to where he stands about having a kid. Not as truthfully or as bluntly as I’d like, but it doesn’t matter anymore cuz what he said was close enough and also cuz I’ve made an agonizing decision, regardless of how right my suspicions are about his never wanting a kid.

At first I thought that maybe a kid would help us to watch what we say all the more and not fight as much cuz that seems to be what the bulk of our fights are all about. He disagreed. He’s probably right according to the statistics of what kids do to couples and there’s no sense in doing it and finding out if we’re wrong like he was wrong about my being a bad wife.

I started to think that everyone says bad things every now and then, but then it hit me harder than ever before that it goes deeper than that. So, I made a totally heartbreaking decision, but I know it will make Tom proud of me and certainly God and even my family if they knew.

Tom brought up a good point. He said never before today did he fear having a kid cuz of me and that sometimes one has to not do something they want cuz it’s for the best.

They say it’s best to follow your heart and not your head, but this time around I’m gonna follow my head. People can say it’s wrong and that I’m kissing Tom’s ass and giving up what I want to please him and call me a sucker and say that I’m jumping the gun, but I realized like never before just what a lousy mother I’d be. I’ve always known this, but now I know like never before. I must never have a child no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I feel like it’s the end of the world and like Tom died or something. I must make sure that no matter how I feel, I do not selfishly give in to my desires and allow myself to get pregnant. I said yesterday I wouldn’t get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant, even though I’ve given up all hopes of it, but yes I would. I’d have to. I’d have to save the poor child from being born only to be the victim of my abuse. Tom must make sure he never cums unless we use some type of birth control. I could never handle being a mom. I could never learn or handle things as far as caring for them or going with no sleep and no life. My body could never take it, either.

I finally prayed to God and said I was sorry for asking him for a child and that I knew it was wrong and selfish. I knew that it was wrong to ask Tom and that that was selfish and that while his voice may say yes, his actions would just say no. I know I can’t make Tom do anything that may make him feel uncomfortable when he has doubts and fears just like I do. I said I knew he’d be proud of me if I did the right thing and that I was ready to do so. All I asked him for was to please give me the strength to get over it and not feel so depressed about never having a child. I know I’ll feel rather devastated for a while, cuz these things take time. However, I’m sure I’ll get over it with time and that time will be my best friend. I just hope Tom lets me get it out and mourn not having a kid as much as I need to so I can get it out of my system so I can move on. I also said I was sorry for saying that he only gives bad people kids cuz I’m a perfect example of one who’d be a bad Mom that can’t have a kid.

I meant it when I said I’d do anything for Tom after all he’s done for me. I’d even rob a bank for him, but I owe him my not asking for a child. His desires and needs and the needs of the child I’d abuse if we had one are much more important than any desires or needs I could have. Also, I said that with all the bad things I’ve done in my life, I don’t deserve or have any rights whatsoever to have a child. This is a case where it’s OK to assume and prejudge what kind of a mother I’d be.