Well, the kids hit the front yard late today, but that was cool cuz I knew they wouldn’t be out for hours cuz they came out at 5:30. They were only out a half hour to 45 minutes. Not surprisingly, it was after Tom came home and we were sitting in the living room together. God, are You sure you aren’t trying to tell us something?

We had pretty good sex earlier. Naturally, he didn’t cum. He conked out as I was getting really close, so he finished me off orally.

No call from Goldie and Al, so I guess they got hung up and will try tonight.

I can’t sleep just yet so I’m gonna go either read or do word puzzles.

I feel as if I’m forgetting to mention something of importance. Can’t think of it now, though, so I’ll be back later.

Well, it’s now 19º in Springfield! I called and told Andy who was cracking up with me.

I got two letters from Bob today and I began letters to him, Kim, and my parents. Bob says there’s snow there. Tammy says it’s cold, but there’s no snow. She also said something about Bill’s car getting rammed while she was in the doctor’s office. She said she presented her evidence in court, swears it’s not his fault, but the judge threw it out. Her insurance company denied the claim.

Tonight, Goldie will be calling. In about an hour.

I exercised yesterday, so I’ll be typing and maybe watching TV.

All is still pretty quiet, but it’s that time when they’ll be on their way out till sundown. I have the music on now.

A few minutes ago I finished working out.

The pool temperature is on its way up to 70º.

Andy mentioned possibly needing to borrow $200 from us for his teeth. Now’s lousy timing to ask us, cuz we won’t have any extra money until a week or two from now. He also mentioned possibly needing a co-signer for his dental plan. They won’t let an out-of-state person sign, but at least his mom did say she’ll pay for anything he needs that he can’t take care of on his own. I left Tom a message and asked him to let me know what he thought. He said I was right, there’s no extra money right now, but we’d lend it to him if we could. Also, he didn’t mind co-signing, but his credit may not allow him to.

Andy and I talked today. He said he understood perfectly well and was able to get overtime as well as accumulate enough money from some change he rolled.

Later...

Now I’ve got some shocking news about Tammy and some unfortunate news about Goldie and Al. Goldie called saying Al and his sister had so much to deal with in the way of lawyers and banks that they wouldn’t be able to see us this time around. She’s gonna call tomorrow evening at 6:00 to say goodbye to both of us, as they’re leaving for Massachusetts on the 1st. In the meantime, we updated each other on our lives and she said she was thrilled for me to have a guy like Tom and she adored us both.

I also got the story straight. I had thought it sounded like she said they had their car flown from Vegas to Sun City. Well, what they really did was have their car shipped on a truck.

She said Ma said something about coming out here this summer. That’s news to me. I thought Dad said the end of this year or the beginning of next. They always mention all kinds of dates, but who really knows when they’ll be coming?

Ma’s looking for a place for them in Florida for next winter. They don’t know when and if they’ll be returning to Vegas. Maybe in a couple of years. They want to be near their sons and their families who are in Boston.

As far as Tammy’s concerned, Bill’s going into the hospital next Saturday for two months.

Guess who came to visit her? Larry and the kids. Sandy didn’t go, though. I’m really amazed. I really didn’t think he’d ever get there. She agrees with me that Larry’s always been a good worker and good with the kids, but there were hardly any words spoken between the two unless she asked him a question. She mainly talked to little Larry. Lisa and Jenny were inseparable and they’re calling each other tonight. Becky and Larry were playing and teasing each other.

Later...

I just tried to call Larry, but there was no answer. I called Dad instead. They’re doing OK. Mom was out playing bingo.

Already I’ve done quite a bit today. I did laundry and I’m doing more now. I made our beds, did some typing, and made Tom an ice cream parfait with vanilla ice cream and whip cream. I also made mashed potatoes and later I’m gonna make us pork chops and tater tots. Tom’s making chocolate chip cookies now with a recipe he got from his mom.

I wish I had more to say, but I just don’t right now. Only that today’s a great day. Been productive and in a good mood.

Goldie and Al will be calling anytime now, I guess.

This has been a very peaceful and quiet Saturday. That’s fine with me, though. They’re out front, no doubt, but I’ve got the music on anyway.

Well, I believe I’ll go do some typing on 59 now.

Later...

Today’s been a great and productive day, but Tom’s gone to bed. He has to get up early. I’m giving my feet and back a break right now.

Our disrespectful neighbors who may as well own this block have company. They don’t ever go anywhere, so someone’s come to them. I heard them out back barbecuing and I thought I heard a ball game start up, but it stopped, thankfully. All’s usually peaceful till late afternoon, but I’ll have to deal with them till June, unfortunately.

They’ve been there long enough for me to observe something else. That guy over there works 6 days a week from 6 - 7 AM till 7 - 9 PM. Guess that’s the price you pay when you have so many kids to support.

All the other houses are so quiet with older people, so why God? What are You really trying to tell me? Is it just like with the “men” signs? Are you trying to say You want me to get pregnant, but have no control over when I do, if I can? Or is it that You want to taunt me with what I can’t have? Well, believe me, I’ll take one of my own over a million of someone else’s any day. True, I may be sorry I ever had a kid if I did and wish I could have this life back, but oh well. I still believe that You God, are the planner. I believe I can keep myself from getting pregnant, but I can’t make myself pregnant. That is up to You.

If and when Tom starts cumming, and after several months of that, then my questions will be answered, won’t they? As far as what is or isn’t meant to be, I mean.

Come on Goldie and Al! Call me. I’m anxious to know when we’re getting together. I hope we leave shortly after Tom’s home so we can bail out of the bulk of tomorrow’s street party. At this time of year, they’re mostly out front from late afternoon till sundown, but I have a feeling they’re on their way out back. That’ll make tanning, smoking, and hanging out there a real pleasure. Yes, I’ve thought of talking to them, but what good will that do? They can’t keep them inside 24/7 and I’m sure they really don’t give a shit. People with kids think they own the world. They think that their rights come first and that their rights are all that matter.

Later...

Yeah! All’s quiet and peaceful now and the company just left. That wasn’t too too bad. Only 3-4 hours of their shit. It sure beats the 24/7 activity of the NHA. The most important thing of all is the fact that I can sleep and that our houses aren’t attached to one another. Now I can be myself, though, and not feel controlled. Just cuz I love music doesn’t mean I always want to hear it just to drown noisy neighbors out. To me, music is for listening or singing to, not for drowning out other people’s noise or sleeping. Thank God I haven’t had to sleep with it in over a year or have heavy metal concerts forced on me. I still hope that someday real soon they get sick of being cramped in a 3-bedroom house, find a way to make more money, and split. Then we need a nice old couple or person to move in who hates company.

Nah - if they move, God will have someone or something else get on my nerves.

Later...

I have a slight headache now from wearing my hair high up on my head in a braid all day. I took an Ibuprofen which will be taking care of it soon.

I just left Andy a message. I hope his teeth aren’t killing him.

I typed a letter to Larry today and worked on 59 a little.

Can you believe that it’s barely after 8:00 at night and I’m already beat? Can you also believe how much more of a day person I’ve been? Lastly, can you believe how much less my schedule flips around and how much quicker it flips around when it does? Maybe God really is helping to prepare me for something. All I can see right now is the business and the singing being prepared for, but who the hell knows? If I fall asleep soon, though, it’ll be hard to stay up late tomorrow to see Goldie and Al if we are seeing them tomorrow. Whenever we do, though, we probably won’t get home till after 10 PM.

Tom and I exchanged interesting opinions. He feels that things aren’t going to stay the same. Things will be changing that are more than little things. I, on the other hand, believe things will slow down and fall into the same pattern for a while cuz I just had so many changes in the last couple of years. We’ll see who’s right. If the changes are good ones that I can handle, then I hope he wins this one. I don’t mind being proven wrong if it’s for the better.

I just listened to music, so what shall I do now? Should I type more story drafts? Type more of 59? Watch TV? Edit? I’ll think about it as I come to an end in this journal and go begin my next one. I think I’ll do some word search puzzles after I get my next journal started. Yeah, why not?

Right now I am in a foul mood. I’m stressed out, I’m worried and I’m confused. Not only have I got the stress of surgery over my head, but the date of my surgery is when I’m due for my period. It’s still hard to keep that neutral attitude. I still have scary visions of myself at age 40-50 saying, “I knew I couldn’t get pregnant, so why didn’t I have that operation to get my insides removed?”

I feel I’ve done a lousy job taking care of Tom who’s sick with a cold.

I’m stressing out over next door. I know that for 3-6 hours they’re gonna be raising hell.

I also feel like a lot of the time Tom gives off mixed emotions about having a kid, too. When we were discussing my period being due on surgery day, I realized he was talking about it as if he knew. He knew I’d be getting my period. He knew he wouldn’t be cumming. If he doesn’t by June, then I’ve got to do something. I can’t keep saying I’ll give it a few months, then a few more, then a few more. Why don’t I set a tentative plan for myself? If nothing’s changed by this time next year I’ll at least go get info and set up a consultation for a hysterectomy.

Later...

Well, my foul mood is all gone and I feel a lot better. I’m back to taking things one step at a time.

I did the dishes and worked out a little. Last night I did every single exercise on one of my tapes, amazingly enough. Already I feel the firmer, slimmer difference. The question is, will it last? Even if I keep up with it?

It’s very windy out and it looks like a storm could be rolling in. I have mixed emotions about storms. They’re kind of neat out here and they keep the kids away, but they don’t help my asthma and allergies.

We got our state tax return today of $117.

No letters today for me. I sent Bob 3 self-addressed stamped envelopes. He better use them.

Speaking of address labels, though, I just used the very last cactus label. I’m not using any others now, so I’m back to highlighting entry dates. In the next book, I may use one of the ones with both our names on it. We’ll see.

I just asked Tom if he’d mind my using the splash labels as entry dates since we’ve got a million other labels. He said to go ahead. There are 90 of them. Anyway, I’m off to do some computer work.

Later...

The house smells really good now. I just aired the place out and it’s that time of year where you can smell the orange blossoms even though they don’t smell like oranges.

Tom just went to bed. He still feels pretty yucky, but he’ll hopefully be better tomorrow. He said I did an excellent job taking care of him. Well, I made him his lunch and dinner, but I’ve really never cared for a sick person before, so I hope to do an even better job tomorrow.

Andy’s having problems with his teeth and I hope he’s feeling better. He mentioned moving in with this girl Cindy who has a house, to share their expenses. This house is all paid for. I’ve spoken to her once and she seems nice. I hope they continue to get along and that it works out, even though there are no definite plans yet.

Tom even felt well enough at one point to go to the library and the hardware store. I went, too. I never could get into the last two library books I returned today, but I got one, unexpectedly, and I really like it.

At the hardware store, he got stuff to work on the cigarette machine with, electrical tape, and stuff to shock the pool with.

I didn’t hear any kids out today cuz I had the music on. It was a nice day, though, so I’m sure they were out.

Later...

I just heard something fall and went to check it out, but all seems to be in place. It must’ve come from Tom’s room. He went into his room for the night at 7:00.

I asked Andy if he still believes in praying. He said yes cuz he asked God for temporary relief till he got more money to take care of it. He said he also wouldn’t give up on God just cuz he couldn’t always get his way. Will I ever pray again? I don’t know. I still believe that things are either meant to be or not meant to be, whether or not you pray. I also feel that I’m still making an impossible request (the baby).

I guess Goldie and Al will be calling tomorrow at some point. I told Tom that if he’s still sick on the 26th or 27th we’ll cancel. He says he’ll be fine and there’ll be no problem going.

Later...

Glad I just did a #2. I was worried I was in for another few days of constipation. That usually happens to me a couple of times a month.

Next Friday I’ll be picking up a journal for book 4 of my story, cuz I don’t want to use any of these dazzling books for it. The one I’m using now (#89) is going faster than I had anticipated. Even though it’s got the most number of pages than any others (something like 192), it’s the smallest. Even smaller than 41. I’m using normal-size writing, too. My writing in my paper journal is only slightly smaller cuz there are lines and they’re pretty close together. I believe this is the longest-running journal I’ve had in a while and it’s jammed-packed with no charts or anything else other than “life.”

I had gotten a very abrupt, quick feeling about either getting pregnant or finding out I was in ‘96. Do I still have this feeling? Logically speaking – no, I don’t, but we’ll see as I get closer to it. The stronger my feelings are, the more accurate they are. For a short time at the end of last year, I had a feeling I’d have a kid in November of this year. Shortly after New Year, I had a very, very strong feeling that said - oh no I won’t. Obviously, I was very right on that one.

As far as Tom ever cumming? I really don’t know what to make of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never ever did. Also, despite how honest he’s been about everything else and despite what he’s told me about this, who knows what’s really going through his mind? He says the block isn’t about anything to do with the kid. He says it’s about the pressure of cumming. He says as he gets close (and I know he gets close) he tells himself to concentrate on cumming to make me happy and that’s why he can’t. I understand all about blocks as well as pressure, but I’d think that with him as attracted to me as he says he is to me on both the inside and out that that’d make it hard to keep from cumming. I still have a faint feeling of him cumming in either April or June, so we’ll see.

Later...

In the library, there was a book on Linda Ronstadt. I doubt I would have liked the pictures in it when I was younger. They were pretty lousy. The younger ones of her were with her hair short, or they were very dark. They were in black and white and the clothes she wore were gross. There were also a few of her older and fat.

I am at the doctor’s office now and not too thrilled about it. I’ll write more later after I get this shit over with.

Later...

Andy probably has no faith in God right now. His teeth are in massive pain right now, so he’s on his way to the dentist. Earlier he had left a message wishing me luck today. He said when he gets back he’ll let me know all about it and wants to know about my ear which is good news. Dr. Joganic’s gonna hack it off! I’m beat now, so I’ll get into it later.

Later...

The kids just hit the front for the next 2-3 hours, so I turned on the tunes to write.

Jackie, the one who schedules surgery just called. I still have to see Dr. Nielsen on 3/2, but it’s no longer a pre-op appointment. It’s just a regular one. My pre-op has been upped to 3/20 at noon. Then on 3/21, I’ll have surgery at 10:30, but I’ll have to be there at 9 AM. The operation should take two hours and both doctors will be operating on me. On 4/4 at 1:30 I’ll be at my follow-up appointment.

Later...

I just ran outside for half a smoke. It’s quiet back there. The backyards are all 3/4 shaded now, so that’s why the kids have run out to the front till it gets hot in or out of the shade. I wish the sun set at the back of the houses on this side, though, cuz it’d keep the pool warmer for longer.

I’m gonna go write up the grocery list for tomorrow.

Tom’s been in his room sick with a cold, so I’m gonna leave him a note with all my surgery dates on it. I mean, surgery and appointment dates.

Due to the storm, I woke up pretty wheezy. Luckily, I got it under control pretty fast and was nowhere near the ER.

I began the third book of my story.

Dr. Joganic’s office called to verify tomorrow’s appointment. Tom and I have to finish the paperwork they sent us.

Things are just beginning to dry up outside.

Next door has their doors or windows open as always and I could hear a few sentences occasionally. I think I heard a parrot squawking over there, too. Also, I know their dog’s name is Muffins cuz I heard one of the kids calling him about a week ago.

These people definitely have money in order to pay for and support 5 kids and 2 animals. Not enough money, though, to live in a house where they’re not so tightly cramped and packed in. I don’t know how the hell 7 people fit into a 3-bedroom house, and I just know she’s pregnant now with number 6.

I finished typing Journal 58 and am working on 59 now.

I left Kim a message too, since I haven’t talked to her in a long time.

Last night I really got to thinking about Paula B. Does she ever think of me? Did she ever wonder about trying anything with me? How’s her life now? I hope she’s doing well and is happy. The same goes for Jessie and Cassandra. I wonder why I’ve never heard from Cassandra. Did she lose my number? Or did she decide she didn’t want to have a friend so far away? Did she ever decide she couldn’t deal with only being just my friend no matter where I lived? Should I ever try to contact any of these people? Or should I just leave them in the past?

Later...

Well, here’s what I just did. Jessie’s still living in the area and I doubt if I have her current number. I could make contact with her through her mom in Longmeadow, but she and Cassandra are closed, but great memories of my life.

There’s no Paula B listed and I’m not at all surprised. She probably can’t afford a phone or has a huge bill and there are no B’s in Longmeadow where I think she might’ve lived at one point. I know she had a brother Paul and a sister Brandy, but there were none listed. The operator gave me the number of an Ed B. The wife answered saying there was no relation to Paula, so I don’t know what else to do. I’m not gonna ask the operator for every B listed and she said there were several.

She moved to West Springfield after I moved to S. Deerfield which was when I last spoke to her. Where she is now, who knows? She had a second kid when we last talked, too. Another boy. I don’t remember her ever talking about moving out of state, but she may have also had family in Enfield, CT, too.

I could be very wrong, and I hope I am, but I can’t picture Jessie or Paula’s lives being any different than they were when I last knew them.

I also wonder how Steve and Jai are? I wouldn’t be surprised if Jai left Springfield long ago and is in New York City. Jessie mentioned that Steve lived in Chicopee and was to move to California when I was in Norwich, so who knows?

I never wonder what’s going on with Kacey and Brenda. Kacey’s probably still at Monsanto, either in long-term relationships or dumping people after just a week or two. Brenda’s still probably on psych pills and crack. Probably still quiet, troubled, and hanging with losers.

I was gonna say, so much for that bulb I planted out back, but Tom said it’s not the time for it to come up yet. The front and backyard need lots of work. The weeds are back in full force.

Not a peep out of next door. Great.

Later...

Right now there’s a serious thunder/lightning and rainstorm going on.

When the doctor did the skin graft on my arm, he did it in the shape of a square. I wonder if he can do it in the shape of a heart. It’d be cooler to have a red heart for a while, rather than a red square.

Aaarrrggghhh! I’m getting so big! My clothes are getting tighter. I really believe that little by little my thin days are ending whether I exercise or not. It’s ironic how Andy said I looked more solid when he was here. Well, it may be expensive, as I’ll have to be buying bigger clothes, but being chunky won’t kill me. If I was getting into the 130s, then I’d see if I could do something about it. For now, I’ll just look more like the typical wife does.

I just did a major project that was fun and well worth it. I only wish I’d done it a long time ago. Between both Linda and Gloria, I had tons of sheet music of their songs that was torn out of the books. They were all out of order and some songs have pages missing. This is cuz there were pictures on certain pages that I once had. I put them in the best order that I could, punched holes in them and put them in a big black binder. This way, we can set it up on the music stand. I’d be totally lost without that music stand. That’s what I use to type up my journals. Just think how hard it’d be for me to keep the pages open without it. I put address labels on the songs I like to sing that are in my range and style.

It’s a hot day of 86º today. I didn’t lie out for too long today so as not to receive a dose of sun poisoning. It’s very windy out today.

Later...

I just made spag and typed up letters to Kim and Bob. I wonder if I’ll ever hear from Minnie again now that she’s got a kid.

Speaking of kids, and the last two days before today, well, things weren’t too cool for a while there. I feel a hell of a lot better now, but here’s what Tom and I talked about.

While PMS alters your thinking and feelings, I admitted to him that I’ve always had a problem with conquering my fears and going for the stuff I want, figuring I probably won’t get it. Sometimes I even punish myself and I told him that I feel really bad that I punished him while punishing myself and that I was determined to stop doing that and follow my heart, dreams, and desires.

It’s hard to wipe out of my head the shit Tammy and others have said to me about all they go through as mothers. I need to do what I want, regardless of who says what, and have a mind of my own. I have to stop being afraid to succeed and afraid to go for things I want cuz of my own fears and doubt and the ones others have planted in my head. I need to be more hopeful and positive. Yes, there have been things I said I’d never get, like the kind of relationship I have with Tom with a woman and I was right. But I’ve also been wrong on things I said I’d never get that I did get.

I told Tom the “light is green” no matter what I say, no matter how much I may PMS, and no matter how much I may be feeling negative at times like we all do here and there. I want a baby and he does too. We can’t guarantee that and we can’t put a date on it, but we’re gonna go for it as soon as we can possibly get pregnant.

Every day I’m gonna work on my attitude and again, I understand this could take a while. Just like it did with losing weight. And other things. I don’t think it’ll take too long, though, cuz an attitude change is quite different than losing lots of weight.

I conquered my fear of relationships and other things, so I know I can do this. Especially with Tom’s never-ending patience, understanding, faith, and encouragement. Our talk yesterday was great cuz he remained calm and positive. Didn’t get frustrated with me or throw anything in my face that he asked to hear.

I prayed to God for the third time a couple of nights ago. I not only asked him to help me get pregnant, but to be able to deal with not having a kid if it’s gonna be a while yet or if I never can. So far it seems more than a coincidence that I’m more relaxed, peaceful, and hopeful about it, yet patient and understanding that it takes a long time for some people.

What else has got me in a fine mood? Well, yesterday I sang and played the guitar and keyboard. The keyboard, though, was quite rusty. I had to stop and hear the songs in my head that I’d forgotten. Little by little I’ll remember stuff and be like my old self. Still, I’m way more of a guitar player and even much much more of a singer. Later that day Tom and I played both instruments and harmonized together. Our voices harmonize really well together. He plays the keyboard better than the guitar and that’s good so we can balance each other out in a way we couldn’t if we both either played the guitar or the keyboard better. My fingertips are doing better. Today they feel like they have a low-grade fever, rather than like they were just placed on the stove.

What luck I had earlier. I just hit the hotkeys to save a whole page’s worth of stuff I typed when we had a one-second power failure. Gotta reset the clocks soon.

I just realized that I have yet to mention Andy’s visit. He came over at 5 AM on the 16th. He didn’t stay too long cuz he had to get home to bed, but he really liked what I gave him for his birthday. Thank God, cuz I was worried and not sure if he would or not. He was shocked at the 63-page journal I did up for him. I said I figured he’d save it, mail it to people, or give it back to me to send to Bob bit by bit. He said it was so adorable, though, that he may keep it forever.

He also liked the crayon can and was shocked at how many NPN envelopes I had for him. There were about 45-50 of them. He opened one here and dumped all of them in a mailbox on his way home. I also gave him 30 NPN cards I wrote out to Nervous for magazines, pamphlets, and all kinds of catalogs and info.

He didn’t bring me my stuff cuz he came from a friend’s house and didn’t know if he was gonna come over or not. But he looked up the name of Gloria’s daughter for me. Her name is Emily Marie. How boring!

I also gave Andy the tape with the Lindsay Wagner movie and the soap awards I taped on it too, for him. Also, the magazine with the Phase-Out ad.

We called for and received info on getting a business license for a small home business. We need about 3 different licenses that’ll cost between $75 - $100 bucks. We’ll probably use the money from the severance package he’ll be getting at the end of March.

We also got two new ribbons and a bail of pine sawdust to mix in with the cedar sawdust the other day. From now on, though, we’re ordering ribbons by mail. It’s cheaper that way.

Got a letter from Kim the other day, and Alex and I still continue to chat over Prodigy. Still no recipes from Tammy and I’m not counting on that. Still nothing from Marla, either. Andy says they’re probably having trouble installing it and using it. Probably so.

Several days ago Tom and I had awesome sex. Never have we done so many positions in one “screwing session.” We did about 4 different ones that time.

Now for the most uncool news of all. It’s that time of year when the kids next door rule the front yard. This is better than the back, as it’s easier to drown them out with the stereo than it is with the boom box out back. They’re out from noon or 2:00 to sundown and I know they will be quite often till the intense heat comes in. In March or April, they’ll run to the backyard, but in June I should hardly ever hear them. It’s mostly on weekends and sometimes late in the afternoons, but I hope they’ll go to Idaho again in June.

The reasons it pisses me off are the same. I feel controlled and that their noise is being forced on me. Their noise should be for their parent’s ears only. Not others. I shouldn’t have to hear them or anyone else in my own house. It’s just like when that band was a constant problem across the street. I felt his music was forced on me in my own home where if I want to hear music it should be mine and mine only. I’m 99% sure they can’t hear my music next door, but if they can, I don’t feel sorry for them about it at all. Also, like I said before if I have to listen to a kid scream, I want it to be my own. However, I plan to do whatever I can to not let our kid get out of control like that.

It’s just a pity these people can’t wake up and realize that these houses are very close, and what they’re allowing their kids to do is rude and disrespectful to others. If we did have a kid, I’m sure there’d still be enough noise from ours that’ll blend in with theirs, cuz I understand that kids are kids, but for now, while there’s still no kid here, why should other’s noise be forced on me in here? The bulk of the time they’re quiet. It comes and goes in cycles and I know their patterns now. I can have months of peace, but then there are a few days a week for a few months when it goes on for hours. It really irks me. Especially when I’m sitting here trying to have a conversation with Tom and every few minutes a screaming fit breaks out. It’s hard to concentrate. With that shit in the background, I mean.

Do these people ever go anywhere other than to church for a few hours on Sundays? I realize that with so many kids there’s not a whole lot of money left over to go have fun with, but why can’t they go to a nearby park for a day? That wouldn’t cost anything.

I heard another story I heard a million times on TV yesterday. A woman was saying she wanted to leave her 4 kids cuz all they did was steal her life and make her fat. Again, my head says to listen to these stories and be grateful I probably can’t have a kid. My heart says I’m gonna do what I want to do anyway.

It’s gonna hit 80º or so today and I beg God to death that it’s not a wild rowdy day out there today. I really hope I can enjoy it in peace. They’ve really been a hell of a lot quieter, though. Instead of being directly outside our windows, they’re more towards the house on the other side of their house. There are fewer screaming and no obnoxious ball games. I think I’ve figured out why they’re out front in certain parts of the year. Well, they don’t seem to come out till later in the afternoon, say from 3 PM - 6 PM. Well, the sun sets at the front of the house, so it’s usually warmer out front. Now that they’ve been quieter, I’m not at all looking forward to when they move to the back cuz then they are ear-piercingly loud for endless hours. They shouldn’t hit the back until sometime in April and I hope they go to Idaho again. The weird thing is, though, she said she hated the heat really bad. Then why did she and the kids only leave for the month of June and not July and August?

No music from across the street for ages! I love it! I think that kid did move out cuz I haven’t seen him. Plus, I’d surely know if he was there cuz every time he’d drive in and out I’d hear his car stereo loud and clear. Maybe he and his mother moved cuz I haven’t even seen her.

Today Tom’s working on the cigarette machine. I think I wrote about that, but I will anyway once it’s done.

We may also go out today to the pet store to pick up a bale of regular pine sawdust that I’ll mix in with the cedar chips.

I can’t remember if Tom’s working today or not. His job ends March 10th and he’s saving his sick days and vacation days for my appointments and surgery. Our benefits go through until June.

Andy left a message shortly after 3 PM yesterday, but by then I was conking out. He was telling me he was on his way out and would call, but I haven’t heard from him or talked to him. I left him a message a couple of hours ago. He was on the phone then talking to someone cuz the phone only rang once.

He told me earlier how he got a huge book from his sister Linda in CA on All My Children. His favorite soap.

What was his advice the other day? Well, he believes in praying to God and says it’s worked for him before. He said praying to win the lottery isn’t something you’d pray for, but he’s prayed for toothaches and stuff like that to go away. He said no, not every prayer will come true, but I should pray to God about having a kid. He said to have a conversation with Him, tell Him why you want a baby, but don’t pick the time frame cuz only He knows when the time is right.

Does He? I guess I believe He does in most cases. Especially with stuff pertaining to me and my life, but how can He allow countless teens to get pregnant and feel the time for them was right?

Anyway, I’ve done this twice so far in the way he recommended.

Back to using address labels as date separators. Well, for now anyway. We’ve got so many labels right now that this is why I’m doing this. I have this set and the jewel-toned one with just my name on it. Tom’s got two with just his name on it, then we’ve got two sets with both our names on it. Next time we order new labels, from now on I’ll order them all with both our names.

Andy’s 33 today. I talked to him last night and told him I wasn’t sure if I should feel bad cuz I made him his presents (the booklet journal and crayon can), rather than buying them. He said don’t feel bad at all. Also, he couldn’t afford to buy me anything in Dec. for my birthday, but now he can and wanted to know what I wanted. I told him about the puzzles and the dog mugs at the art store.

I told him to call me today when he got up to see about coming over. I don’t know if I’ll be too tired or not. He’s always way later than he says he’ll be, so I may very well be tired. I’ve been up since midnight last night, but I can’t believe how much faster I can move my schedule around nowadays.

Today I finished typing 50 and it would’ve been done yesterday or sooner today if it didn’t crash on me. Luckily, I didn’t have too much to retype. I omitted a few trivial and non-important things so I wouldn’t have to spend too much time typing stuff I’d already typed.

I called Dr. Nielsen’s office today and she was fixing to call me today. Dr. Driscoll’s taking care of the referral for Dr. Joganic. Dr. Nielsen and Dr. Joganic talked and they are gonna operate together. That much is good news, so hopefully, I’ll need one more operation, not two. My pre-op appointment with Dr. Nielsen is 3/2 and I called and set up an appointment with Dr. Joganic for 2/23 for the consultation. She’s sending me paperwork to fill out to bring to the appointment.

Tom called and brought up a very good point and question. How come Dr. Joganic already agreed to do the operation without seeing me first? He said he thought we’d have choices and one of them would be no surgery on the outer ear. Maybe when they talked with each other, Dr. Joganic said that doing nothing about it wouldn’t be a choice and that he has to operate and do something about it. He also asked if Dr. Joganic’s appointment was my pre-op with him and why they didn’t give me a date for surgery.

Beats me. Guess we’ll find out on the 23rd about the outer ear choices and then on the 2nd, if not the 23rd, about the date of the surgery.

Tom and I had a discussion this morning about my feelings and doubts about getting some of the things I want. He told me that the best thing for me to do would be to try my best to remain in the middle. Meaning, don’t give up but don’t plan or count on things. It’s hard for me not to be more doubtful than hopeful and he understands that.

I guess I misunderstood him when he said to wait two months and I’d be pregnant. He meant if I try not to have it be such an intense obstacle in my mind, cuz that can make it harder. Yeah, he has a point and I see and know what he means about that. I wish I had his attitude, but a bigger part of me is saying to forget it as much as I can and to move on to other things in life, whatever they’ll be.

He said the reason he mentioned that two-month thing was cuz he really does believe that. Believe that no matter after which two months I don’t pressure myself with it I’ll be pregnant? Or in two months from now meaning April? I think he meant any two months like April or May or July and August. Whatever. I’ll still try to take his advice. He said it’s OK to talk about wanting it, just don’t say stuff like it’ll never happen, cuz that may make it harder. He also understands that saying it will happen doesn’t mean that’ll make it easier, either. I guess with me it’s a woman’s intuition. I can’t help but get bad feelings about sterility. I will try to think less and worry less about it, though.

I talked to Andy about it who reminded me never to say never. Don’t think there’s something out there that’s gonna say, “You’re being selfish for wanting this, and don’t think you’re gonna be blessed yet again, cuz you’ve been blessed enough.”

Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t for I’ve been cursed more than I’ve been blessed in my life.

Some other time I’ll get into some advice Andy gave me which I followed last night. I also have another idea that I feel kind of silly about, but I’ll discuss it later.

Before I go, here’s a note on the flip side of my doubtfulness. This may also sound silly and off the wall, but sometimes I get a feeling about finding out I’m pregnant during journal 86.

Yesterday I typed up Tom Valentine’s letter and boy did I get the sweetest surprise from him. On one piece of paper, in the center of it, is a big heart that says Happy Valentine’s Day. Around that, he typed: To the most beautiful, lovely, pretty, attractive, gorgeous, good looking, beauteous, ravishing, sexy, intelligent, bright, sharp, smart, clever, talented, gifted endowed wife in the world. I hope you will be my Valentine forever!

This was so wonderfully sweet. Especially the words, sexy, smart, talented and gifted.

Later...

I just left Andy a message who I still haven’t heard from and read him the Valentine’s letter from Tom. I also typed it into my parents and Tammy’s letters I just did.

Later...

Tom’s on his way out to work, so I thought I’d write a few lines.

I got a letter from Bob, and due to him writing his letters towards the center of the paper; I punched holes in it and put it in the binder.

Later...

I have so many thoughts and ideas going through my head right now. I know some could be right, some partially right, and some way off the wall. I’m just doing what I do best right now. Analyzing and figuring. Remember how I said that a part of me would think Tom didn’t want a kid and part of me would think he did? Well, I believe way way way more that he does. I can tell by what he’s told me and all the opinions and feelings about it that he’s expressed to me. Well, it has been my experience that things either take forever to happen, if they happen at all, or they all happen at once.

There are only two reasons why I didn’t get pregnant when we met as well as around the time of our wedding or my surgery. One is cuz under one of Murphy’s laws everything happens at once. The other is due to all the “kid” signs all around me and thrown in my face for so long just like guys were for so long. Remember how I said it was quite obvious many years ago that God wanted me with a guy and not a woman?

It’s not that I can’t go to Tom and ask him about his feelings and that he’s not honest with me, it’s just that I don’t want any mixed messages to confuse me more. We can all give off mixed messages even if the feelings are basically the same. Even I have. For example, yes, I do want a kid way more than I don’t, but right now I probably appear to not want one. Truthfully, I don’t on a day like today. What I mean by that is that there’s no way I could keep up with it today till Tom got home. I’ve been up since 9:00 last night. Tom said that if we had a kid, I wouldn’t be in a situation like that, but I don’t get that. I don’t think having a kid will make it any easier for me to always be the day person I’d need to be or get up day after day, night after night, every hour to change and feed it.

Well, I know that Tom mentioned that my being 30 and the year being 1996 appealed to him. He also said a long time ago that June was a good month to get pregnant. This morning I said that March would be a good time to have it to keep it away from the busy months of June and December and he said, “Yes” in a tone I know really well. A tone that said he very much agreed and that’s what he was planning on. When I calculated it, I realized that dropping a kid in the month of March after a normal 9-month term would mean getting pregnant in June.

I thought about it and realized we were supposed to be in business a long time ago and have so many other things done a long time ago that aren’t done yet, or we did get things done, but way later than we planned on. Not that either of us is lazy or deliberately putting stuff off, but still, that’s the usual case.

I told him this morning that I can’t deal with prospective dates anymore. To please not say stuff like, “If you just wait two months, you’ll be pregnant.”

You know how I said my “feeling” of having a kid in November went away? Well so did conceiving in April. The reason why his saying this got to me is cuz I know it’s not true and I don’t want to go get myself all psyched up for nothing. He’s said he thinks we’ll have a kid in the fall. Now it’s the beginning of 1996. He’s said he was gonna cum in the winter of ‘94, then the spring of ‘94, then the summer of ‘94, then the winter of ‘95 and he still says he will cum. I can’t deal with this shit. I know he’s not out to play head games with me, but I can’t deal with bullshit dates.

I need to keep realistic here and remind myself of the fact that I probably can’t get pregnant even if he came in there daily. And that if I can and do, it’ll no doubt drag on for years. Meaning I probably couldn’t get pregnant before 1½ years or more from now. I’m sure he’ll cum when he’s ready to make that kid, but he’s also dropped hints here and there as far as me being right about the much later timing.

One time we were discussing sleeping together. I said it’d be best to do so when we have a kid cuz then I’m gonna be woken up constantly and not sleeping much anyhow. He said he disagreed. I asked if the reason why was cuz it’s so far away and he said yes, that was partly it.

But a month or so ago he said he thought we were just casually screwing without planning dates till it was discovered that I was pregnant. I always said, “Well, Tom, that’s fine, but you’ve got to cum for that to be likely.”

I’ll discuss someone else’s opinion on that later.

This morning we made a deal. He said, “How about it if we do this, but this is only tentative. We can change our minds. Despite the surgery, we’ll take care of the dentist in April and the GYN in May. Cuz then if you aren’t pregnant, you’ll be making very serious plans to be.” Then he went on to say stuff as if I’d way more than likely not be and he knew it. He mentioned asking if all looked OK to get pregnant at this May appointment. At this point, it’s getting harder and harder to think about it in a positive, hopeful way. I’ve had my share of letdowns in my life. It’s not that I’m not used to them, aren’t prepared for them, or can’t deal with them, but I sure don’t want to. If I’m not pregnant by June, then I will definitely wonder about both of us. I just don’t want to be getting my hopes up and all psyched up for nothing. It’s just too damn tiring. I think it’d be best and easiest for me if I think and have the attitude that I’m not gonna have a kid and that if I do, it’ll be years from now.

Lastly, I’m still not 100% sure about what’s up with his not cumming. I’m 98% sure he’s waiting till we make the kid, but there’s that 2% chance that there’s something wrong and he won’t admit it out of embarrassment or whatever.

I finally decided I would call a nurse and ask some of these questions at a medical info line. She did say I should ask a GYN these questions also, and to me, her answers are her opinions that aren’t necessarily right. She’s not in Tom’s head or a guy any more than I am.

Here are the quick answers first:

No, the KY won’t prevent pregnancy but could hinder it somewhat. More so, it won’t be a problem.

She doesn’t know about DES, but has heard of it and has heard that it’s supposed to affect having babies.

Now, as I figured and was told before, my meds won’t affect getting pregnant.

A nurse I once talked to when Tom and I first met said the chances of conceiving without a guy cumming is 10% - 15%. This is also what we had thought. Tom said the reason why there are millions of sperms is cuz one isn’t likely to make it. Well, the nurse said that all it takes is one and that we’ve been beating the odds cuz guys leak (and yes, he does) and there are millions alone in there. In just the leakage from the pre-cum, I mean. This makes me more convinced I’m sterile if it’s that possible and this much easier than I thought.

She asked how I knew he didn’t cum. Cuz he always says he was “so close” and I never feel anything leaking out of me. She said maybe it depends on how soon after I get up. I asked if she noticed it leak out of her when she’s with someone. She said she didn’t know, doesn’t pay attention, but that a GYN could tell if it’s possible for a guy to cum without discharging anything.

There’s also stuff like when he said, “This feels so good that it makes me never want to cum,” a few months back. He also said that if it were all up to him, he’d move in slow motion which is nice some of the time but boring all of the time. I usually tell him to be more aggressive. Go faster and harder.

He constantly goes from hard to soft and always has an excuse. He’s tired, he’s got a cramp, a headache, a sinus ache, etc.

She asked how he relieves himself and she can’t understand him going that long without relieving himself. I assume he takes care of himself and he’s told me he has wet dreams. She then said she agreed with me that his not cumming is psychological. She also went on to say that he could have a deep-seated fear of having a baby that he won’t open up about due to his ego or being sensitive in certain ways. Men have more apprehensions about having a baby than women, he could be afraid to lose me, etc. Yeah, I’ve heard it all. It’s not a guy thing, kids are for the mothers, it’s too non-macho, silly, and the guy’s turned off cuz the woman’s fat and feels jealous and left out due to the affection being on the baby. Yes, Tom has displayed sensitivity, jealousy, and feeling left out, but all this other stuff doesn’t fit him. If anyone has more fears and doubts about it I think it’d be me. I’m the one that always said I was afraid of losing him due to being tired, bitchy, and fat. I was afraid we’d have no time and no lives together. I was afraid the kid would come in between us, worried about affording it, etc. He’s said he’s not nervous about having a kid; there are more rewards to it than bad, and all kinds of positive things about it. I have to believe what he says. I mean, can he really be that much of a liar?

At this point, I’m gonna try my best to look at it like it’s never gonna happen as I said I would. If I’m not pregnant by the time June rolls around, then I’ll wonder if that nurse was right. Then I’ll go from thinking he’s holding off for now to he really does not want a kid. If he cums and months go by and I’m not? Then I’ll believe the DES did get the best of me and God doesn’t want me to have one for two possible reasons. One, it’d kill me. Two, I’d be such a good mom that doesn’t “qualify” in this day and age.

I can’t believe I typed up all of 43 in a day, but I did. I worked on it for about 8 hours. All my journals total 2 megabytes. I’ve got a total of 53 typed up and together they total 556 pages. I need a new binder soon. Real soon. In fact, I could use one now. Not counting this journal or ones with letters or that are already typed, I have 14 left. 76 will probably take forever.

No message from Marla yet, but I’ll check again later today.

I typed Tom up a sweet, romantic Valentine’s letter.

Yesterday I talked to Larry. Believe it or not, he had no new jokes for me.

He said it was cold with 14” of snow.

Jenny got her first bra, he said, and is changing overnight from a little girl to a young woman.

Sandy didn’t want Jenny to cut her hair, but Larry, like me, doesn’t believe in making kids have their hair a certain way or eat foods they don’t like. Mom and Tammy are the other way around. Anyway, Jenny cut her hair up to her waist, but Larry says he thinks she wants to cut it again.

He says he’s happy to be spending more time with his family, but missed the freedom of the open road. He says he loved Phoenix, the desert, and the sunsets. He still says, though, that if they ever do move, it’d probably be to FL. He doesn’t mind the humidity.

I told him I’d soon be having another operation, but didn’t have a date. March second is my pre-op appointment.

Haven’t heard from Andy since shortly before midnight on the 12th. I hope he hasn’t had any more 4 AM visitors knocking on his door.

Yesterday I also finished 88. The second book of my story. I can’t believe it. This is the longest story I’ve ever stuck to. Plus, those 42 pages it began with that are scattered throughout 82 & 83. I don’t know where, when, and how it’ll end, but I’m not really caring or thinking about it now.

I’ve only got 3 more pages to write in Andy’s birthday journal that’s got 63 pages altogether. God only knows when I’ll be seeing him to give him that, his crayon can, his Lindsay Wagner movie, and his magazine with the Phase-Out in it. He should be getting the birthday card I sent him in the mail today if he checks it. He doesn’t check his mailbox every day.

I just hung up from talking to Andy and Marla. They just got Prodigy, so Marla and her husband Evan will soon be sending messages. Then I’ll reply.

Andy said that last night at 4 AM he had a bad feeling about being murdered and he also felt like something was telling him to wash his hands. He was very tired, though, and then there was a loud knock on the door. He said he was terrified, wouldn’t open the door, and whoever it was only knocked once. Then, after a few minutes, they gave up and left. He doesn’t know who it was or how many people. No one he knows would come over at that hour. Especially without calling first. He says he has no known enemies at this time. He said whoever it was probably would’ve killed him for sure and that the reason he had this feeling of something telling him to wash his hands was to make it easier for a coroner to do an autopsy.

Not much has happened since I last wrote.

Tom’s almost got the cigarette machine done. He said, “Not only will you cut down with this, but you’ll quit, too. Someday we can show our kid how its mother quit.” I don’t think so, but that’s fine if he thinks that.

I finished typing 42. I’ve begun 43 which should be done in no time at all. Some of it has printed-out stuff glued in and there are also several pages with each journal’s starting/ending dates and entry dates. I won’t be typing this stuff up. Not the chart, I mean, cuz there’s no need or reason to bother.

I spoke with Andy last night and let him know what’s going on with my ear.

His friend Sarah who moved to CA had left his outgoing message. He wanted me to tape it and leave him a new outgoing message with my voice calling him Mark and I did.

I saw the Miss USA pageant last night. Texas won. MA was from Wilbraham, another stuck-up little bedroom town with money 20 minutes away from Longmeadow. Mary C was from there. The gay staff member from Valleyhead who was leading me on while she was with Annie L, another staff member. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were still together.

I swear I’ll never watch another talk show again. They’re too depressing and infuriating and I’ve had it with the fucking teenage “bad girls.” This admitted dope head said she won’t quit doping out just cuz she’s pregnant. Her mother, meanwhile, is sitting there saying there’s nothing for teenagers to do in the town they’re from. I can see a pregnant woman smoking cigarettes, but alcohol, pot, and other hard drugs - please!

When I was talking to Andy about how God seems to give all the wrong people kids, he said that those who believe the world is near its end say that’s supposed to happen. Yeah, I know. It’s quite obvious this is “supposed” to happen. Well, maybe I would be one of those wrong people to have a kid cuz I’d have certainly beat the shit out of a couple of kids today at Dr. Nielsen’s office had it been up to me. There was a woman with a 12-year-old boy who was well-behaved. However, these twin boys who were about 8 were the biggest animals I’d ever seen. Totally off the wall and out of control. All kids are naturally loud and wild animals, but I don’t blame the kids. The mother definitely needed some serious discipline-teaching lessons. I could tell that even Tom thought they were quite wild. Back when I was a kid most kids could never get away with acting like that. Fewer kids did act like that back then cuz they were better disciplined and I don’t necessarily mean by being beaten either.

Anyway, of all people I’ve known, Tom’s been the least into saying things he or we’ll do that either don’t happen or take forever. Still, the more I think about his having said, “If you just wait two months, you’ll be pregnant,” it makes me wonder. He says he isn’t trying to force patience into me and doesn’t believe in forcing anyone into anything. This isn’t the point, though. Even though I’ve known how he’d prefer me to have a kid at age 30, the year be 1996, possibly begin cumming around the month of May, and was always in control of cumming or not, it irks me. It really irks me. If I wasn’t sterile the guy would have to cum 1-2 times a day for many months before I could get pregnant. Hell, it may even take years. Also, I feel like this is one of those things that is just talk. Do you have any idea how many times he’s told me he’s gonna cum? Practically since we met. Every week and or month since we’ve been together he was supposed to cum. I know he’s not deliberately doing this to me, but I still feel led on. I feel I handled it OK in my mind cuz the second he said I’d be pregnant in two months, I told myself, no, I won’t. It’s like he’s making excuses to tide me over in between the times I get upset over the situation.

I’ve heard people say that God won’t give us any more than we can handle. Well, I don’t buy it cuz of those who’ve committed suicide. However, if there’s any grain of truth to that and I never have a kid, I can only come up with the same theories as to why. Maybe I truly couldn’t handle it, as I always feared despite how normal my fears are. Maybe he doesn’t want anything to come between Tom and I. We sure as hell don’t. Lastly, there’s always the fact that I ain’t no teenage bad girl. I’m not a druggie, violent, etc. Well, I’ve handled stuff before I never thought I could and have been made to eat my words before, so we’ll see. Time will tell. Maybe God’s saying, “Hey! You’re selfish to want and demand more than you’ve already got. You can’t have it all. You can’t have everything you want.”

I can’t believe I’ve kept my schedule steady for this long and have made it to all my appointments. There’s no way I could’ve and would’ve done that when I was back on my own. Guess what, though? Tomorrow I sure as hell am sleeping as late as this body wants to till it awakens on its own.

Later...

I just did some more story typing and more typing of 42. I also typed up letters earlier to my parents, Tammy, Bob and Kim.

Tom and I spoke to Dad earlier to fill him in on the latest ear scoop. Ma wasn’t there, but Dad will fill her in, of course.

Dad’s going up to Brimfield in May to help the E’s out with their flea market up there. I remember them and the flea market there. Mom and Dad have flea marketed there, so to speak, a few times. At least Tammy will be happy about that, cuz of course Dad we’ll visit her and everyone else. All the family and friends, I mean.

I know I wrote about this, but back in ‘89 or ‘90 when I still lived in Springfield on Woodside Terrace, Dad and I were at the E’s house for dinner. They lived right by the flea market. Boo and Max were there too, and Max wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me have hardly any time with Dad. Then they drove me back home and Boo asked me about Mom. She wasn’t too pleased when I said I didn’t know too much since we hardly ever got along. She asked, I told her. This was the only time they ever got on my nerves, though.

Dad said Mrs. E flew out from Hartford the other day at only -2º. Dad also said they had a record low of 36º in Florida. In Bob’s letter, I got today, he mentioned the 10-15 inches of snow, as Alex did a few days ago through Prodigy. I certainly don’t miss that shit, even though it’s chilly as all hell out there right now. Our afternoons are gorgeous and warm, though.

It’s nice right now to not have to give a damn what time I fall asleep or wake up. Like I said before, though, I’m sure I’ll sleep the day away tomorrow.

I’ll probably work on my story tomorrow, read, write, and do whatever. I still haven’t finished my music puzzle, but there’s no hurry. It sure will be a challenge, though, as the remaining 50 pieces or so are all black.

My next appointment to see Dr. Nielsen is set for March 2nd at 4 PM. Glad it’s not the 26th or 27th of this month and I hope Dr. Joganic’s isn’t either. I haven’t got a date yet on when we’ll see him. Dr. Nielsen’s office will let me know. Joganic sure is a funny last name. It’s even cornier than mine.

Tom said he could have sworn he heard a woman at work say her GYN at the main Cigna building’s last name is O. Well, Jews seem to either be doctors, lawyers, or the black sheep of their families!

Did I mention that I accidentally taped about 10 -15 seconds over that Terry Jacks song? Well, I did and tried for hours on two different days to get them to play it. When I called the station, the DJ said he would, but that’s people for you.

Guess I’m gonna go have a smoke now, then maybe I’ll hit the sack.

Later...

Today I got up at 3 PM. I’m surprised I didn’t sleep till 5:00, but I feel great.

I’m doing laundry now and I’ve typed up more of 42.

Tom’s working on the computer for a while till we have fun. I think he’ll want to go down on me, but even though I just changed the sheets, I know I can count on him not to mess them up. That is if we screw, I mean. It’s not April, but April’s still just one big joke to me till and if I ever see differently.

Dad mentioned on the phone yesterday the possibility of them coming here at the end of this year or the spring of ‘96.