Right now I am in a foul mood. I’m stressed out, I’m worried and I’m confused. Not only have I got the stress of surgery over my head, but the date of my surgery is when I’m due for my period. It’s still hard to keep that neutral attitude. I still have scary visions of myself at age 40-50 saying, “I knew I couldn’t get pregnant, so why didn’t I have that operation to get my insides removed?”

I feel I’ve done a lousy job taking care of Tom who’s sick with a cold.

I’m stressing out over next door. I know that for 3-6 hours they’re gonna be raising hell.

I also feel like a lot of the time Tom gives off mixed emotions about having a kid, too. When we were discussing my period being due on surgery day, I realized he was talking about it as if he knew. He knew I’d be getting my period. He knew he wouldn’t be cumming. If he doesn’t by June, then I’ve got to do something. I can’t keep saying I’ll give it a few months, then a few more, then a few more. Why don’t I set a tentative plan for myself? If nothing’s changed by this time next year I’ll at least go get info and set up a consultation for a hysterectomy.

Later...

Well, my foul mood is all gone and I feel a lot better. I’m back to taking things one step at a time.

I did the dishes and worked out a little. Last night I did every single exercise on one of my tapes, amazingly enough. Already I feel the firmer, slimmer difference. The question is, will it last? Even if I keep up with it?

It’s very windy out and it looks like a storm could be rolling in. I have mixed emotions about storms. They’re kind of neat out here and they keep the kids away, but they don’t help my asthma and allergies.

We got our state tax return today of $117.

No letters today for me. I sent Bob 3 self-addressed stamped envelopes. He better use them.

Speaking of address labels, though, I just used the very last cactus label. I’m not using any others now, so I’m back to highlighting entry dates. In the next book, I may use one of the ones with both our names on it. We’ll see.

I just asked Tom if he’d mind my using the splash labels as entry dates since we’ve got a million other labels. He said to go ahead. There are 90 of them. Anyway, I’m off to do some computer work.

Later...

The house smells really good now. I just aired the place out and it’s that time of year where you can smell the orange blossoms even though they don’t smell like oranges.

Tom just went to bed. He still feels pretty yucky, but he’ll hopefully be better tomorrow. He said I did an excellent job taking care of him. Well, I made him his lunch and dinner, but I’ve really never cared for a sick person before, so I hope to do an even better job tomorrow.

Andy’s having problems with his teeth and I hope he’s feeling better. He mentioned moving in with this girl Cindy who has a house, to share their expenses. This house is all paid for. I’ve spoken to her once and she seems nice. I hope they continue to get along and that it works out, even though there are no definite plans yet.

Tom even felt well enough at one point to go to the library and the hardware store. I went, too. I never could get into the last two library books I returned today, but I got one, unexpectedly, and I really like it.

At the hardware store, he got stuff to work on the cigarette machine with, electrical tape, and stuff to shock the pool with.

I didn’t hear any kids out today cuz I had the music on. It was a nice day, though, so I’m sure they were out.

Later...

I just heard something fall and went to check it out, but all seems to be in place. It must’ve come from Tom’s room. He went into his room for the night at 7:00.

I asked Andy if he still believes in praying. He said yes cuz he asked God for temporary relief till he got more money to take care of it. He said he also wouldn’t give up on God just cuz he couldn’t always get his way. Will I ever pray again? I don’t know. I still believe that things are either meant to be or not meant to be, whether or not you pray. I also feel that I’m still making an impossible request (the baby).

I guess Goldie and Al will be calling tomorrow at some point. I told Tom that if he’s still sick on the 26th or 27th we’ll cancel. He says he’ll be fine and there’ll be no problem going.

Later...

Glad I just did a #2. I was worried I was in for another few days of constipation. That usually happens to me a couple of times a month.

Next Friday I’ll be picking up a journal for book 4 of my story, cuz I don’t want to use any of these dazzling books for it. The one I’m using now (#89) is going faster than I had anticipated. Even though it’s got the most number of pages than any others (something like 192), it’s the smallest. Even smaller than 41. I’m using normal-size writing, too. My writing in my paper journal is only slightly smaller cuz there are lines and they’re pretty close together. I believe this is the longest-running journal I’ve had in a while and it’s jammed-packed with no charts or anything else other than “life.”

I had gotten a very abrupt, quick feeling about either getting pregnant or finding out I was in ‘96. Do I still have this feeling? Logically speaking – no, I don’t, but we’ll see as I get closer to it. The stronger my feelings are, the more accurate they are. For a short time at the end of last year, I had a feeling I’d have a kid in November of this year. Shortly after New Year, I had a very, very strong feeling that said - oh no I won’t. Obviously, I was very right on that one.

As far as Tom ever cumming? I really don’t know what to make of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never ever did. Also, despite how honest he’s been about everything else and despite what he’s told me about this, who knows what’s really going through his mind? He says the block isn’t about anything to do with the kid. He says it’s about the pressure of cumming. He says as he gets close (and I know he gets close) he tells himself to concentrate on cumming to make me happy and that’s why he can’t. I understand all about blocks as well as pressure, but I’d think that with him as attracted to me as he says he is to me on both the inside and out that that’d make it hard to keep from cumming. I still have a faint feeling of him cumming in either April or June, so we’ll see.

Later...

In the library, there was a book on Linda Ronstadt. I doubt I would have liked the pictures in it when I was younger. They were pretty lousy. The younger ones of her were with her hair short, or they were very dark. They were in black and white and the clothes she wore were gross. There were also a few of her older and fat.