Something happened that totally drove all desires to have a kid away, but I’ll get into it some other time. All I can say now is thank God that God and Tom won’t allow Tom to cum. Never will I have to worry about the hassle of birth control or its side effects.

Once again, I see that compensation really does exist. This has been a painless period and so far I haven’t needed any Ibuprofen, whereas my last period was a killer.

Andy’s gonna be calling any second. I just called him to see when he wants me to have his apron ready for him to pick up and he was watching Xena.

It’s hard to believe it only took me 18 days to fill up this book. (just about) If it weren’t for my constantly writing about the issue of Tom’s lying about the kid and how I feel about that and our weird sex life, I’d probably be 20-30 journals behind.

Later…

I guess Evie really isn’t into letter-writing as I thought she was, but I forgive her. She’s got a kid. Therefore, she hasn’t exactly got the time to type many letters and with what little time she does have, I’m sure she’d prefer to send letters to her family in Indiana.

Andy called back and it looks like I may be going over there Tuesday night to finish the cat. Or try to anyway.

In 20 minutes, the movie I’m taping will be over. I try to tape as many movies as I can here and there. That way, if I get bored or in a lazy mood, I’ll have stuff to watch if there’s nothing good on at the moment.

Later…

I took off my old nail polish and soon I’ll put the nail hardener on, then my gold nail polish. The nail hardener is cloudy, so hopefully it’ll make the gold stand out better which is otherwise too light.

I’m going to start taking measures to decrease the bird population. There are just way too many (30-something) and they really make a hell of a mess on the patio and around the pool area. I’m sick of having to remember to lift up the seat cushions so they don’t shit all over the chairs and I’m sick of trying to hop around all their shit. I’m gonna start feeding them a little less often and I’m gonna give them much less at once than I normally do.

When Tom gets up, we’ll have to fill out an order form for stamps. We’ll need a book of regular stamps, then we’ll order those 1¢ stamps from them, too. Tom alone, as well as with me, checked vending machines to see if we could get the 1¢ ones that way, but there weren’t any, and this way he won’t have to stand in line forever at the PO.

Later…

As soon as he gets up I’m gonna strip the beds and get the sheets washing. Then they’ll be dry by the time he leaves. I lazed out of doing it yesterday, but I got all our clothes and towels and stuff like that done.

I just saw a movie about a true story that was really sad. It actually made me cry and very few movies ever do that to me. This movie is a classic example of how unfair and cruel life is, and of course, it only fuels my hatred for God. There was this woman who had a daughter and gave it up for adoption to a stable couple who couldn’t have kids. Meanwhile, the woman lied about who the father was, and the real father ended up being one who was violent and who abandoned two other kids. So, after two years of the good couple raising her just fine, the courts said she had to go to her biological parents. I felt so heartbroken for this poor kid and it brought back bad memories of how I had to be forced to go places I didn’t want to go. How the fuck can people create and have such a shitty system? How can God allow this to happen? How can God allow a child to go to a lying mother who already has one other kid and a violent non-caring father who has 3 other kids, two of whom he dumped? Meanwhile, this deserving couple who can’t have kids has to suffer with no kids at all. I really hate both God and this fucked up, cruel, unfair world in which we live. If people won’t do what’s right, then when the fuck is God gonna finally put his foot down and do what’s right? Why must God allow and aid such cruel, mean, sick, unfair shit to happen in this world? Why must God give what they say is his ultimate gift to so many undeserving people and bless them with all kinds of wonderful things, while shitting on good people? When can good people have what they deserve? It makes me feel all the more that God hates us and thinks we’re just these two no-good, non-deserving people who ought to rot in hell, never get what we really want and struggle all our lives while we dream of the normal everyday things in life that we’ll never have as we watch undeserving assholes get them. Why must it be that if you take 10 people and have 9 of them be jerks, it’s that one good person in the bunch who can’t have kids or some other thing they want and so richly deserve or would be good at? Tom and I must really deserve a child after all. It must really be that we’d be great parents, I could’ve handled it and not been like my mom after all, or why else would we be denied a child? For our health? Well, maybe that is the case, too, as I’ve said before. Maybe God knows something we don’t, like maybe I’d die in childbirth or all kinds of other things could go wrong with the kid, our marriage, anything. But if God can do anything, then couldn’t he make sure that nothing terrible went wrong or something we couldn’t handle? This is why I doubt he’s protecting me by denying me a child, cuz if there was a problem, God could make sure it didn’t stop us. If I’m not paying for someone else’s sins, it’s gotta be just cuz he plain old hates me and doesn’t think I’m a bad enough person for it. Only bad people deserve his so-called ultimate gift. I know I shouldn’t let God get the best of me (or Tom), but it’s hard. Tom said not to try to fight, control or manipulate my feelings and maybe he’s right. I can’t deny my true beliefs, feelings or desires to myself anyway. I may as well let my mind flow freely and bitch about shit, even if I can’t change it and I know I can’t and I can’t fight fate, either. As weird as it may sound, though, knowing God and Tom will never allow me a child has still been easier than ever to deal with. Especially since our last fight. My feelings about the way God works and the way Tom lied will never change, but I haven’t had the desperate, sad, and angry feelings about it that I’ve had on and off. Maybe my anger towards Tom is transferring into forgiveness after all. And maybe the other part of it is that I’m accepting God’s ways and his rules more so. I always have, but I guess the acceptance has hit home harder.

Tom is just so confusing still. He still loves to play head games with me, while denying that he’s preventing anything or lying and saying how it’s best not to plan stuff. One minute he swears he doesn’t want to wait on having a kid and that he knows I’ll be pregnant by September, the next he’s giving me all kinds of advice on how to up my chances of going to college. I know I’ll either be in college or working in September, so I guess it doesn’t matter what he says, even though I wish he’d speak the truth. I don’t like being lied to and he knows it. Yesterday, I said I wished they’d tell me I needed a hysterectomy out of frustration cuz of the physical part of the PMS which is pretty bad this month. He said, “But you don’t like people lying to you.” Then why does he do it? What makes him think it’s OK for him to lie to me then? Why does Robin think it’s OK to lie to me?

I guess it all goes back to the fact that God has a basic plan for all of us when we’re born. He insisted that people lie to me and take things from me and keep things from me and force me into second best for the most part. That doesn’t include living in Arizona or marrying Tom, either. That is definitely first-best and for that, I’m thrilled and very happy and grateful. I think Tom knows and understands, though, that just cuz you’re married to first-best (except for the lies), you can still feel empty, cheated, and like a waste product who doesn’t know if she’s got a future, other than the same old rut. Yes, this life is way better than before I met Tom and no, I’d never want to go back to my old life or give up the things I have today, but is this it?

Yes.

Later…

I guess Andy’s landlord did fix his EC, cuz he hasn’t called us asking Tom to come over and check it out. Just after midnight on Saturday, he said he wasn’t sure if it was fixed and that his landlord didn’t leave a note about fixing it, but said it did seem cooler. I told him to let me know how it was when he got up in the afternoon, which would’ve been yesterday, then to see if he could get a hold of his landlord. If not, call us, but he hasn’t.

Since there seems to be no chance at all of going to Florida for the next several months, I wonder if my parents will ever come out here. I can’t say I’m too upset over our not being able to go there, cuz you know how I feel about that. I’d have too many worries. Could I sleep okay? Could I breathe okay? Would everything else be okay?

Later…

According to Tom, I slept through 11 minutes of quite a riot next door. I didn’t think Andy’s theory was right when he said it could’ve been just her cuz of how I look. It’s all of them cuz they’re like most people who don’t give a shit about those around them. He said about 4 cars came in (all adult men) and for 11 minutes they played ball, screamed at the top of their lungs, and blared rap music. Then after 11 minutes, everyone left and it went dead quiet. Tom thinks they just came back from a basketball game cuz it’s the end of basketball season. They better not do this very often and they’re lucky they didn’t wake me up. I can’t believe Robin’s been right so far. Tom says not to worry cuz he thinks it’ll be very seldom that they do this and that basketball season is ending and it’ll be too hot for them to do this. I asked what about the winter and he says they’ll be watching football in the winter. I hope so. And I hope they continue not to be home too often. I guess that during weekdays they won’t be here too much. I hope not so I can at least have 5 days to sing in privacy. I don’t like people to hear me when I’m practicing. If I want an audience, I’ll go get one. I’m glad that kid hasn’t been around to play ball. Maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable playing at their house. Who knows, but I’m glad he’s gone cuz now I can’t tell him to go away since the house isn’t vacant anymore.

Now I’m gonna go see if I’ve got any email, then I’ll watch some TV.

I hope I get my period soon enough to relieve my sore tits. Plus, I swear I’ve got 50 gallons of water retaining in me. This has been the easiest period in the longest time I’ve had as far as the emotional side of it goes. Could it be compensation for the last one which was rough? Or could it be cuz of getting my emotions out that day I hit and kicked Tom and really came to accept the fact that there’d be no kid? Well, it’s nice for a change, anyway.

Tom and I screwed earlier and he said that he had a pre-cum throb which he hasn’t had in a long time and that we were getting back to where we were. Well, that’s nice since it seems to have taken him longer in the past, but I still don’t get what he means exactly. Maybe it’s just his way of trying to help make me feel that I don’t suck in bed.

At first I thought that Tom was trying to convince me that it wasn’t them next door blaring their car music just so I wouldn’t be pissed off about it and so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, but now I don’t even know for sure if it is really them. That night I went to Andy’s, I ran into the music room when I heard it, listening for the sound of a car door to open and close, but I never heard one. Then Tom said he heard that car quietly leave at 5:00 the next morning. The one parked next door at the time.

A couple of nights ago at 8:30 when I was listening to music, Tom said he heard music for about 30 seconds, but that he was sure it wasn’t next door. There was never any car next door, either, even though there were lights on.

Then last night I heard it for about 10 seconds just after 8:00, but there are still no cars there, even though there are lights on. They either have the lights on and aren’t there or maybe they came in at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I could’ve sworn I heard a car pull up, doors shut, then a kid cry for about 5 seconds.

So, just maybe it isn’t them after all and maybe I was dreaming that time I thought music woke me up. We’ll just have to wait and see, but I’m beginning to relax and think that maybe things will be okay. They’re hardly ever there. I almost never hear the kid. I think I’ve only heard it twice for a few seconds since they moved in what? Late February or early March? Maybe Robin’s right.

Them saying I’ll be pregnant soon is still so unreal as I’ve said before, but if there’s a one-in-a-million chance that Tom’s not joking and he really came closer than he has in a while, is it a coincidence? His language is weird cuz he says that saying “I think you’ll be pregnant by September” and “I know you’ll be pregnant by September” means the same thing. Whereas with me, saying “I think I will” means I think I will, but don’t know for sure, but hope and think so. If I said I know so, that means I know it and there are no ifs, ands or buts. Then he said that in my language that meant that he knows so. Whatever.

I wrote letters to Bob and my parents and addressed envelopes to my parents, Bob, Kim, Larry, and one for Sarah. I hope Tom gets the chance to get 25 of those 1¢ stamps for postcards this weekend, so I can mail some off.

This weekend I’ll probably give Kim a call. It’s been a while since we chatted. That is if she’s home. I wonder when Larry will call or if he’s been trying.

Yesterday I began exercising my legs and today I did my arms and belly. Hope I can stick to this.

Earlier we cut Tom’s hair and it wasn’t the disaster it was the last time. He did the front and sides and I did the back. We did a nice job and he doesn’t look like Mr. Military.

Today Tom will be going to Evelyn’s to finish some more work on her sink and then to his parent’s house. I’ll be asleep most of the day and I just hope and pray that if it is them next door, I hope they don’t get carried away and blare that fucking music. They seem to come and go during weekends, but last weekend I don’t think they were there at all.

Later…

I was just talking to Andy who is kind of depressed even though he expected to be. It’s amazing how everything he said really hit home and how we both feel the same emotions. The only difference is that his is about a boyfriend and mine’s about the kid. He too, has felt that love wasn’t meant for him since he was a little boy, just like I knew since I was a little girl that I could never have a kid.

The things he said totally hit home and were things I’ve often said and probably always will. He’d say stuff like, what’s the point of living? What’s my purpose in life? Why am I so cursed? I’m just totally trying to fight fate when there’s not a damn thing I can ever do to change it. God has his mind made up and he’ll never change it. God wants me to be alone forever. I had fun trying to get things I wanted at times, but I knew the final outcome wouldn’t be what I wanted, etc.

Later…

I’m still awake, but getting quite tired. I suppose Tom will be up anytime now.

Yesterday, due to it warming up, the pool was so green that you couldn’t even see the bottom. So, he got “shock treatment” and shocked the hell out of and now it’s such a milky light blue color that you still can’t see through it. Soon, though, it’ll be nice and clear.

I can hear my birds now who are up for the day.

Later…

Once again, Robin came to me as I was falling asleep saying I’d wake up OK, I need not worry about next door and that I’ll be pregnant soon. She seems to be doing this a lot lately.

Anyway, I’m both happy and shocked to say that next door had a soundless party. When Tom came home I was already asleep and he said there were 4 cars next door. After I got up, I peeked over to next door from the music room where I can see the carport and their living room window. This was the early evening. Their blinds were open and I could see one guy drinking from a can. About an hour ago I checked and all the lights were off. I think I heard cars leave and they did so quietly. So, if they came in with any music on, it certainly didn’t wake me up. If I’d known there were gonna be 4 cars arriving after falling asleep, I’d have been very nervous, but luckily it would’ve been for nothing. Still, I like to not know what my neighbors are up to. If Tom didn’t see the cars and if I didn’t spy, I’d never have known about it and that’s just what I like. To not know my neighbors exist or what they’re up to. Not unless I spy on them.

I have about 8 hours worth of movies taped, so I think I’m gonna break from writing and go watch something.

First, though, Tom got $20 from working at Evelyn’s just as I predicted. I knew it’d be $10 or $20. He also visited his parents and said his dad is doing terribly. He has bad stomach problems.

Then he picked out a really neat screensaver which I’ll describe later and said we’re about to go through a lot of major changes.

Yeah, sure.

Since the night I went to Andy’s, I’ve heard no music from next door. So, I’m sure that this means that before the weekend’s over, they’ll come blasting in. They seem to do this about once a week. I’ve seen a light on in their living room tonight and last night, but I can’t see if there are any cars out there. They seem to go to bed at 11:00. That’s when the lights go off. Someone has come and gone over the last couple of days and whoever did so did quietly, which I appreciate.

Andy’s had amazing luck. Hopefully, he’ll be surprised as I was when I found out I was coming here and when I met and married Tom. So far he has been surprised, though.

Well, he met that guy Brad that I mentioned before and he says Brad’s gorgeous and that Brad was also attracted to Andy. Brad says he’s looking for a serious relationship too, with just one person, so hopefully this is it for Andy.

Well, God didn’t and never will answer my prayers for a baby, but hopefully he’s answered my prayer for him to give Andy a break and send him the right guy cuz he deserves it.

Hopefully, Brad isn’t bullshitting Andy and isn’t only out for sex. Hopefully, he’s serious. This sounds really promising and I told Andy I had a good vibe. Plus, it seems logical that if they’re both attracted to each other and want the same thing, it should work out, as long as Brad’s serious and not putting Andy on.

I’m so happy for Andy if this really is his Mr. Right.

I started to watch a movie, but it sucked. When I’m in the mood for TV, nothing’s on, but when I have a million other things to do, there’s good stuff on. There’ll be 3 or 4 good movies on at once or none at all, and of course we only have two VCRs.

Andy said his landlord did get over there today and he said what Tom and I figured was the problem with the cooler. There’s a minor problem with the water pump and he says he’ll be back tomorrow. I told Andy that Tom offered to go over there this weekend and check it out if the landlord doesn’t put his actions where his mouth is. Andy said that was a generous offer that he’d take if he needs to.

I’m starving now. My not eating too much has caught up to me, so I think I’ll go make some hash browns or something. Right now, we don’t have too much variety in the way of food since it’s the end of the week. Tom’s gonna go shopping Saturday or Sunday. After I eat, I’m gonna take and go through next week’s TV guide and highlight everything I think I’ll want to watch.

Later…

Oh, that really sucks! So far, Brad’s dumped Andy, and Andy has an overwhelming vibe that all Brad wanted was sex and that when he saw he couldn’t get it right away, he split. Andy feels really cursed and I don’t blame him. I thoroughly understand and reminded him of how I’ll never have a kid. I still have a good vibe for Andy, but obviously it’s got nothing to do with Brad. I still hope it does, although I always saw a guy as unmeant to be for him as a kid is unmeant to be for me.

I wonder why, though. Is it cuz he’s too good for it? I notice that just like most parents are no good, most people in relationships are either no good or aren’t worthy of those they’re with. Is it due to being compensated for good health and other blessings? Is he being punished for the sins of his forefathers? Is he not ready yet? I think he’s more than ready.

Andy wondered if he were being denied love cuz God’s preparing him for some situation where he’ll need to be alone, but this makes no sense to me. I wondered if it could be cuz he wants it and I’ve said how I believe that the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it. He said no, cuz there were a handful of years where he didn’t want a relationship, and that didn’t mean guys were lined up at his door. This is probably true cuz during the 3 years I wasn’t looking for a woman, I wasn’t bombarded with offers from them.

Could God be denying me a child cuz he’s preparing me for something in which a child would be in the way? If so, what the hell could it be? I doubt God’s preparing me for anything else or that he feels I’m not ready yet. I believe he doesn’t want me to do or have first best and other than Tom, a kid and singing are first best and God knows it. I think it’s either a punishment or a protection thing or both and that’s why I’ll never have a kid.

If he sent Tom to me able and willing to cum (Tom is at least able) he’d just make sure the DES really got me good or something else or that Tom had a physical problem. If either one of us does have or ever has a physical problem, I can bet you God will make it irreversible.

Going through the TV guide and seeking out stuff that looks good sure is time-consuming. And I only check from 6 PM-4 AM. I still have to check Thursday and Friday.

I just sewed up Andy’s torn apron pocket and now I’m gonna go try to call him.

Later…

For the first time in a while, I was in the mood to gab on the phone. Andy called me with Michelle on the line, then we added Brad who’s a potential date for Andy. Andy mentioned going to the China Doll to Brad and I guess Brad asked to meet him there. Andy said no cuz he thinks he looks shitty today. Anyway, Andy thinks Brad secretly went to check Andy out.

So, I read a bunch of bullshit to Brad. I randomly grabbed Journal 17 from 1991 and began my line-mixing routine.

I’m wondering - should I read back on all my journals now, or wait 10-20 years? Whenever I read them, I’d still like to time it and see how long it takes to read however many I’ve got at the time.

Later…

I am so bloated now and my tits really hurt. I can’t make my period arrive any faster, so I guess I’ll go take a Midol. The problem with taking them during the day is that they make me so damn drowsy.

Later…

I took a Midol last night but didn’t fall asleep right away. However, after I took one after being up a few hours today, I fell asleep for two hours.

Andy’s having trouble with his EC. He says it just blows hot air which means the water level is either too low or there’s something wrong with the pump. Tom says for me to tell him that if he or his landlord can’t fix it, he’ll go over there this weekend and check it out.

From what Andy described, his landlord is a lot like Russ was. An older friendly guy, but one lazy ass. A cheap one, too, like Seelig was about the heat. He wouldn’t even take the time out or pay someone to put in Andy’s new security door. Andy had to get Quinn to do it.

Tom’s really tired so he’s gonna be crashing in a little while.

There’s not too much to watch on TV tonight, but I might check out a movie later. I listened to music earlier and I’ve been playing Ballistic on and off.

I’m still a bit drowsy from the Midol. I can’t really say for sure if that Midol even helps. My tits are still sore and I’m still kind of water bloated. I’m up to 100 pounds.

I got a letter from Bob today and of course, he had nothing new to tell me. He did mention something kind of strange to me. He said that he was made to rip up the 200 letters he had and flush them down the toilet. He’s only allowed to have letters for 24 hours, then he’s made to rip them up. Why? I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. Sounds like they’re just doing it to piss him off. I can’t think of any other reason and neither can he.

Last night I had a strong vibe that there was a spider or there were spiders in the little closet by the garage door. So, Tom’s gonna check it out before he goes to bed.

So far it’s been quiet all day and night. There might be someone next door cuz I can see a light on, but I couldn’t see any cars out there.

I bitched to Andy about it last night when he picked me up and he brought up a possibility I never thought of. He asked if she was ugly and I told him yes, she’s very ugly, as a matter of fact. Then he said that it might be her blaring the music and not him cuz she might be paranoid of my looks interesting Mike. Could this be why she blankly stared at me as I walked back here after handing her the note? She did seem rather cold when I first saw her. Maybe she just doesn’t like whites. Well, he did, after all, turn the music down when I first asked him and he was very polite and friendly. She, though, did seem like an aggressive bitch, even though she never spoke to me, other than to tell me my music wasn’t too loud and what her name was.

Then Andy bitched about his coworkers.

At Andy’s I got half the cat colored and he really loves it. I think I can finish it the next time I go. I’m glad he loves it so much, cuz personally, I think my cat in the music room is way better.

Tom said it could be someone visiting them, but then why didn’t Mike tell them to lower their music? He seems like the type that would. Tom also says not to worry unless they really do wake me up and he swears that I was really dreaming that day and that there was no music whatsoever. He says he’s seen all 3 of them come and go, and Mike come and go, but never her alone, and that they always would come and go quietly. I could’ve sworn the day I handed Joely that note, she had just come in with Mike and I could hear the music going.

Who knows for sure who it is and why, but if I get woken up, I am gonna have to think of something to do about it. Robin still insists I never need to worry. Also, I woke up wheezy 3 mornings ago and she told me that yesterday I wouldn’t wake up wheezy and that today I wouldn’t either and I didn’t. So, she’s been right about some things, but I still can’t imagine her and Tom being right about my being pregnant by September. That just seems too far-fetched and just so out of this world. A good 98% of my strong vibes have been right and it just seems so incredible. I feel I could bet my life on him cumming in me 10 times a day and still not conceiving. I just can’t imagine being made to eat my words on this one in the way that I was made to eat my words about when I met and married Tom, or even made it to Arizona.

I was right on two predictions. One of them was strong and one was light to medium. I told Tom a while back that I had a strong vibe he wouldn’t be on nights and that he was destined to stay on days at least for a while. Cuz the more you want something, the less likely you are to get it and cuz I still believe something wants to hold us back in life. Last Sunday night he asked if I had a sense of when he’d find out for sure and I told him Wednesday. Today, Wednesday, he was told he didn’t get it cuz they gave it to some part-time worker.

Then I went and wrote a list of a few things I felt would happen or not happen by September 1st. Here they are.

Strong - A raise or new/better job for Tom in June.

Medium/Strong - College or a job for me in September.

Strong - Will not be pregnant by Sept.

Medium - Tom’s dad will be alive in Sept.

Medium/Strong - There’ll be no chance till September to go to Florida.

Light/Medium - There’ll be major car problems or the car will die.

Medium - The number 10 and the color blue may have something to do with wherever Tom’s working in June.

Later…

Tom and I are still having sex more frequently, so that’s nice.

We got a package from my parents today containing a Phoenix Sun’s flag for Tom and a musical sequined cap for me.

Speaking of spirits, I saw an interesting movie called Voice from the Grave. It was about a singer who also worked at a hospital that was murdered by some guy who also worked there. Then there was some girl who worked there, too, but she and the murdered girl only spoke once for a few minutes. So, after the girl was killed she possessed the other girl and sent visions of her murder/murderer through her so she could help the police nab him and put him away.

I’ve believed spirits could contact humans and show them future stuff for a long time. I believe Robin’s been right about a lot of things she’s told me and I used to believe she was a good spirit, but I still find myself racking my brains, trying desperately to figure out why she’d lie to me suddenly. Just like Tom, she isn’t pulling off some petty little white lie, either. I also thought she said something about taking off for a while. Guess some family member who’s still alive in the East needs her more, but she’s been a regular around here.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy telling me all about this Chinese place I told him to check out. Why must he call me so much on his days off? He can really bug me at times. I’m just not into playing phone like I used to be and if he called once every 2 or 3 days, that’d be much better.

I made up tons of mashed potatoes today, cuz I wanted to make them before they rooted, so I think I’ll go have a plateful now.

I might be going over to Andy’s tonight after he gets off work to work more on the cat.

Later…

Those stupid, stupid fucks next door! You can’t even ask someone nicely to do you a small simple little favor. Everyone in this world is so fucking selfish, it’s pitiful. They just can’t deal with turning their stereo down or off 30 seconds before driving up and parking their car. They just have to blare it up in between the houses. People either don’t do anything you ask of them or make false promises. Was my asking them to turn the stereo down upon coming and going that big of a deal? Is it really such a hard thing for them to do? Do they only give a shit about themselves? Obviously so and I’ve decided I’m not gonna worry about blaring my music and if they complain - tough shit unless they turn theirs down. They don’t blare it when they come and go early or late, but if I had been asleep, it probably would’ve woken me up and I’m not gonna go through that shit all over again of having to get up when neighbors say so.

We talked over the last couple of days and I told Tom that I feel he does too many things he says I shouldn’t do. I asked him if he was punishing me by not having sex with me cuz I’ve needed to talk over the last couple of days. He said he was reluctant to cuz he was afraid of what the consequences may be. I reminded him of how he advised me not to have any preconceived ideas of the outcome of things, so why does he? He says don’t let life’s events control the things I do. Then why can’t we have sex or do whatever else after we’ve had discussions? Well, at least he went down on me, but when I went to do him by hand, he only got semi-hard.

I feel he’s contradicting and confusing, too, when he says don’t try to control or manipulate my thoughts and don’t decide how I’m gonna act on them. He’s basically said not to hold things in, yet talking about certain things will “ruin all he’s worked on.” How could I have done that two-week thing, yet talk when I need to? How can not trying to control or manipulate my thoughts or feelings make me less angry or depressed like he says it will? So, basically he’s saying to talk about what I need to, yet he doesn’t want to talk about certain things cuz then he has them in his head, so he says, and it ruins what he’s been working for, which is nothing that I can see as far as sex goes. He says he’s not blaming me for his not cumming and us not having a kid, yet he is. He does blame me indirectly in several different ways.

Then he says he doesn’t want to wait till September to start a kid but suggests college at the same time as something to consider? He’s been saying for well over a year that he doesn’t want to wait, yet he doesn’t cum. So, I asked him, which is it? Do you want to start a kid or have me think about going to college? His answer is not to plan when and how things are gonna happen and to just let things play themselves out. A kid is never gonna “play itself out” as long as he remains the way he is and whether or not we plan it. He’s still all talk and no action who says that in his mind - we will have a kid. No. I know I won’t be pregnant by September or ever and I really want to check out some college in August and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I don’t know yet how I’m gonna manage to keep the schedule and I know next door’s gonna wake me up at least once a week.

Then fucking Robin had to come by last night and tell me that I was to be finding out I was pregnant by September and that college may be a good and right thing for me, but not in Sept. Yeah, right!

Boy, I’ll tell you, though, there’s nothing like having a husband and a spirit play with your head and tell you such tall tales!

Back to next door. What the fuck am I gonna do about them? It’s obvious that asking them nicely isn’t gonna do a damn bit of good (this is my compensation for the M’s being cool about my asking them to quiet down). If I smash their car or do anything to them, they’ll just get us back some way, so what do I do? Just resign to the fact that they’re gonna do this at least one or two times a week, maybe more in the future and hope to hell I sleep through it? Is that all I really can do? It pisses me off. It really pisses me the fuck off! I know it’s gonna be years before we move, so how many more families are gonna live there while we’re here creating whatever kind of noise? Are we ever gonna live in someplace like my sister lives? Are there any houses out here in Arizona that don’t have other houses 5 feet away from them that you don’t have to be rich to afford?

Boy, have I been having kid dreams. The night before last, I think the dream was about my talking to a doctor about having a kid. I don’t think I was pregnant, but I could’ve been. Last night’s dream was about birth control. I got some IUD or something that you insert inside you and I think it was starting to fall out at one point. I remember the doctor asking if they could do something that’d permanently sterilize me and I nodded yes. So, why I had this thing inside me, beats me.

Last night is when the dead-set strong vibe set in that this two-week thing is bullshit, even though I already knew this. So, maybe last night’s dream was a sign saying, “Yes, you’re right about him being full of shit, so get on birth control. It’ll help you.”

I like how I read that birth control makes your periods more regular and how it eases the period and cramps and hopefully the PMS, too, and hopefully there’ll be no side effects.

Earlier, I was sitting at the kitchen table when I heard a car stereo. I jumped up, pissed as hell and ready to haul off at next door, but it wasn’t them. It was some car passing by. They haven’t been there since about last Friday.

Bob should be calling in about 15 minutes. I sent him a letter about 5 days ago telling him to call collect.

The night before last, Robin came around again. She was all sad that I don’t want anything to do with her and she still insisted that she’s not lying. Also, that Nervous is with her and that he doesn’t hate me. He’s looking out for me, but won’t bother me. That’s nice, cuz that’s all I’d need is for him to bother me.

Yesterday we went over to his parent’s house. Ma showed me how she has tons and tons of material and I had brought over the back of the chair we sit on at the computer. The back of it is like a director’s chair and it rips, then I sew it, and back and forth. So, I picked out a blue floral print and she made a new back and I helped. It looks so professional.

Later…

Bob called and we talked for about 20 minutes. Besides his usual of how he’s worried about Kim and wants to see her, he told me that he’s on medical watch cuz of his heart and that he has an appeal going through. He said he won’t know anything till June or July.

Yesterday at Mom and Dad’s, Mom’s brother Johnny came over with his wife Marie and their grandson. Marie’s from Mexico so her secondary language is Spanish which we gabbed a little in. Johnny had told Marie he was glad there was someone shorter in the family than Marie, but I’m an inch taller than Marie.

I promised Andy I’d mention this. At around 2:00 that afternoon when I was at Mom and Dad’s, Andy claims to have been thinking about how Nervous and I would gab in Spanish at the same time Marie and I were. A connection? Who knows?

Later…

Tom and I were just discussing how we could afford for me to go to a community college and go through their vocal programs without having to take math and all that other bullshit. Classes start in September, but can I ever get my schedule normal once and for all in order to go? This would be great for me and a great way to continue trying to get over never having a kid.

I also blew my two-week thing where I wasn’t supposed to mention a kid or cumming, but that’s OK. He was never gonna cum anyway and now it’s time to make the call for birth control tomorrow.

Later…

There’s still no one next door. In a sense, these people are weirder than the M family. I mean, where do they go so often? Where do they sleep? Aren’t they fully moved in? Are they just using that house for something illegal, like manufacturing drugs?

Anyway, I know I said I was gonna call for birth control, but I’m not cuz I’m gonna do what Tom wants, as usual. Besides, Tom’s probably right when he said that the side effects would be more than the benefits I just think I’ll get out of it. Yeah, God’s determined to really hit me hard with this. He’s not gonna let me escape it. He really wants to shove it in my face and tease me with it.

I believe those that believe that there’s a reason for everything and that after we die, we find out why things happened or didn’t happen. I just wish I knew why now. All I have are my theories. God’s either punishing me or trying to save my life and marriage. Which is it? Could it be both?

Just got done watching TV and now I may do some drawing before hitting the sack.

Sometime soon I’ll have to get back over to Andy’s to work on the wall cat some more.

Thank God Nervous didn’t die in July. Last July was when Robin began visiting and with her bullshit lately, I might’ve ended up wondering if she was really Nervous if Nerv’s mom said he died in July.

I mean, I don’t know what to make of Robin anymore. Yes, she’s been right about next door being fine and Tom does seem hornier, but I couldn’t be pregnant soon, any more than I could be tall soon, so I don’t get her anymore. I’d just assume she stay away.

She was also right about saying she’d always watch over me no matter what as I sense her presence occasionally. I just tell her to go away.

She usually likes to come when I first get in bed where my mind isn’t as occupied and where my body is more relaxed. Here is where she either gives me messages or just visits with me for what seems to be for the hell of it.

Not much has happened today and I’ve been bored for the most part. Maybe I should work on a story or find some kind of project, but I haven’t hit upon anything yet that I’d really like to do. I guess I’ll go start Sarah’s letter.

Tom’s been out all day working on his aunt’s trailer pipes and at his parent’s, so hopefully he’ll be home soon.

Later…

I believe tomorrow will be day 5 or 6 of not bringing up the issue of a kid. If it isn’t my imagination, then it seems we’ve had more sex since I began doing this which is about all he’ll give me for this. He knows I’m doing this too, so all the more, I’m gonna get teased in some way and he’ll be laughing to himself when this is over.

He got $60 for working at Evelyn’s and he stopped by his parents’ place to help them out, too.

He put up the bird perch using an old curtain rod. No, a shoe rack rod. We put some seed on the windowsill, so hopefully they’ll see it soon enough. It’s right by the back window.

Tom’s in the bathroom now taking a shower and beating off so we can have “safe sex” in a while.

Tomorrow we’re going to his parents’ place.

Later…

Tom’s unwinding now, and then he’ll be going to bed.

We had sex for quite a long time, and surprisingly, it took me forever to cum.

I haven’t been able to think of any ideas for a short story or poem.

Yesterday I drew a neat picture of Gloria where she’s in a mirror and you can see her twice. Tom liked it, but I didn’t, so I’m just gonna stick it on my parents.

I’m sitting with Tom right now in his favorite chair as he unwinds.

Later…

They just got in next door and they did so very quietly. I only heard one door shut and no kid, so I’m sure it’s just Mike.

We’ve had two spiders in here today and it’s that time of year to bomb, so we will soon.

I got a letter from Sarah a couple of days ago and soon I’ll send her a letter. I have a letter going out to Larry today and I decorated the envelope with animals and flowers.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door since I heard them at 7:00 that evening when they gave me a minute’s worth of their rap music. They seem to leave early in the morning and return in the early evening.

I wonder if just Mike lives there since I never see more than one care there at once. I don’t think the kid lives there after all since I never hear it.

Robin still tries to come around and assure me that all will be fine with next door and that she’s not lying when she says I’ll be pregnant soon, but I just tell her to go away.

Tom wants me to write a short story and a poem for him. Should I not do something he asked of me that I said yes to in order to give him a taste of his own medicine? I’ll think about it.

I knew Tom was lying when he said he couldn’t hold back from cumming and that if he cums, he cums suddenly without warning.

When Andy gets together with Quinn, he tells me all about it and he confirms what I always knew when he brought up how they’d hold back to enjoy it longer and how they knew when they were gonna cum.

I can’t believe what a bad liar Tom is and how dumb he thinks I am.

How can I ever forgive Tom or not be angry with him for never allowing me to have a child? All I can do is know it and accept it. I couldn’t believe it when he said I shouldn’t be angry with him cuz we don’t have a kid after he’s said so many times that we would, but then again, I can believe it. He’ll say the most far-out things or be the bad liar he is when it comes to a kid and making excuses to not have a kid.

There’s always got to be someone in my life to help God control me, or take something away from me, or to stop me from getting things and there’s never a damn thing I can do about it. Part of me wishes I was either in denial about what he’s doing or that I could believe him when he says he wants a kid and isn’t doing anything to prevent that. Then the truth would hit me harder in the end, so maybe I should know what he’s doing.

Later…

Speaking of believing - it’s still hard to believe Nervous is dead. One minute I’m not thinking about it and the next it pops into my head.

Tom was really helpful yesterday. He listened with understanding, and supportive patience while I told him all about it. At least I’ll always have his edits, like Tom said, even though Nervous really did hate those edits with a passion.

Later…

Here’s another reason why I’m so sure Tom beats off, besides the fact that he’s human and has to relieve it somehow.

Andy told me that he beats off prior to seeing Quinn in case he can’t have sex with him. Andy took care of Quinn last night for 3 hours and he said he took care of himself, so he could just take care of Quinn which gives him great pleasure. He also says he jerks off before meeting a guy in case he’s cute and can’t have him so he won’t be overly horny. So Tom figures he doesn’t want to cum cuz he doesn’t want a kid, but he won’t tell me that, so he relieves himself whenever.

Tom’s parents are really doing badly, and he even told me how worried he is and how preoccupied his mind is, so all the more he won’t cum, along with reasons that deal with just us. I’m sorry his parents are dying, but lots of people maintain normal sex lives while their parents are dying. Even if there were no worries and nothing going on, there’s still his underlying fear of having a kid. He doesn’t want it as well as is scared of it.

I keep telling myself that this two-week cure-all is bullshit, just like everything else he’s said would help, so go get on birth control, but I will soon enough. I’ll bet he’ll use his parents as the perfect excuse after two weeks of my not bringing it up. What’s he gonna do when his parents die? Tell the truth? No. There’ll be something else.

I sent a letter to Gloria’s fan club asking them to please speed things up. Also, I asked if there was any way they had a catalog where we could pick out pictures and how big we’d like them to be.

Tom apologized for saying that all I wanted from him was a kid and he admitted that he knows I’m strong and is sorry he sprung up at me to try to get my attention to calm me down. He’s sorry cuz I saw my mother and other people who sprang at me with violent intentions and I’m sorry for jumping the gun myself.

It’s done and over with in our books and we hope to just move on. I promised to work on not screaming so loud when I get angry and he said he’d just leave or something, rather than try to calm me down till I’m ready to calm down on my own.

We played cards last night but didn’t have sex. I have to wait until the weekend, as usual. I told myself, “Don’t do it. That’s stupid of you to wait and see if he cums after 14 days of not discussing a kid, cuz you know he won’t. Just get on birth control now.”

However, if I get on it now, he’ll use that as an excuse for why he didn’t cum. Like you need your woman not to be on birth control to cum, right? So, I’ll just wait and see what other excuses he uses, then call for it.

A couple of days ago Tom was telling me that during childbirth, your hips become lubricated by a certain hormone and that only during childbirth do your hips spread in a way that they normally can’t. That must be why someone my size can have a baby naturally. I didn’t know that. He knows a lot about this subject, that’s for sure.

A bird landed in the window again yesterday and this time he managed to hang on for a few minutes. I have a new all-brown bird, that’s different from the chicken pigeon who has white on the very back of him. I also have a new smaller Measles pigeon and yesterday I noticed a band around one leg. It looks like there are one or two small round rubber or plastic blue bands and one white plastic one that’s about ¼ inch wide. I saw the upside-down number 17 on it. Tom said it could’ve been someone who was raising it or that the government banded it for a study on where they travel to or something like that.

Later…

I spoke with Andy earlier and tomorrow or the next day I might be going over to work on his cat some more after he gets up.

I’m gonna put a note out tomorrow for the mailman telling him I understand how confusing it must be to keep track of Drive vs. Ave. However, I ask that they please ensure proper mail delivery, cuz we’ve both gotten each other’s mail. It’s not that I mind getting Irene W’s mail, it’s that I’m afraid our mail is being misdelivered and I’m so sick of this shit. The call to the post office didn’t work, so hopefully this will.

I did an interesting thing with my nails. I polished every other one red and the others purple. On the purple ones I made a red slash and on the red ones I made blue slashes. My parents would love it!

Now I’ll backtrack a little more. Like I said, life at the beach wasn’t too thrilling. Most of the time, since I had to be on the beach, I’d go off into my own little world and go climb on some of the rocks that divided the beaches, etc. I guess there’s not much more to say about the beach, so now I’ll go on to discuss when I left home for the first time. That was in late July of 1981.

Before I go back to 1981, let me just say that next door, just like next door to them, seems to be like most people. You ask them something nicely and they don’t give a fuck and they’re gonna do what they want to do, anyway.

Why do I have to get blacks next to me who blast that obnoxious rap music? Well, it was only for a minute and it wasn’t loud enough to wake me up, but it wasn’t soft, either. I was out back before the 7:00 movie smoking a cigarette when I heard Joely and some guy yelling at each other. I think they were yelling at each other, anyway, and all I could make out were the words, “Not my baby!” from Joely.

So, then I came back in a few minutes before 7:00 and as one of them was leaving, the music started and I said to myself that if they didn’t pull out and leave by the time the movie started I was gonna go out there and give them a piece of my mind, but they left. If I knew I’d only hear their music and nothing else for a minute here and there at that same volume, I could relax, but I don’t know that they’re gonna say - what the fuck and blast it enough to where the bass and drums wake me up if I’m asleep. I think it’s gonna take me the rest of 1996 to relax about them if nothing gets worse than it has been and I certainly can’t trust Robin. Not with her lying about my getting pregnant soon.

I think they just left, and yes, they left quietly, but I’m wondering if they aren’t gonna be company freaks. I noticed an aqua-colored car there this morning and that was it. So, if they’re both there and they both have their own cars, who knows? That’s 4 different color cars I’ve seen over there. Aqua, black, blue and red.

I haven’t heard the kid and they still have no dog which is great, but I’m still so nervous about them, not knowing for sure what they’re gonna do. Are they gonna have a big party and have an outdoor barbecue with all kinds of music and other noise?

Okay, in July of 1981, I was sent to the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont where I stayed till December of that year. It was hell there, but not as bad as places I’d be in after this. This place was for drug and alcohol users and there was an adult psychiatric ward as well as one for adolescents where I was since I was 15 at the time.

My mother made it sound like a country club, but she said the doctors were the ones that made it sound like a country club. Whatever. All I know is that, like Valleyhead, they didn’t make you feel any better about yourself or your situation and their attitude was that the kids were fucked up and the parents were perfect.

The floor I was on was in the shape of a huge L. We each had our own room and there were about 30 kids there, both girls and boys. There was a rec room, a porch, 2-3 staff meeting rooms, the nurse’s station, a lounge area, bathrooms, and shower rooms. All the windows had bars, and the glass was Plexiglas. Only the windows in rooms down at the end of a long hallway had real glass.

Even though this place was a nightmare, there was more freedom and less strict rules there. You could have all the money you wanted and if you got on restriction, that didn’t mean you couldn’t go in your room or only have 4 cigarettes a day like at Valleyhead. Sometimes if you were on restriction, you were made to go to your room or you couldn’t use the phone or watch TV.

I had a tough caseworker there and she made me have only 6 cigarettes a day cuz of my asthma. She said it was cuz of my asthma, but my asthma wasn’t bad then and it was really out of spite and power play. She didn’t like me very much. Guess it was cuz she thought I was wimpy. The staff could be like students in the way that they favored the tougher ones. Margaret M and Barbara D at Valleyhead were like that.

At one point I was also only allowed in my room twice a day for a half-hour each, once they saw that I liked to be alone more often than most others.

When they caught me smoking in the rec room, they restricted me from going in there. Then they caught me smoking on the porch and restricted me from going there. Then they caught me smoking in my room, so they took my door down. Then they caught me smoking in the closet in my room and they took that door down. Finally, they caught me smoking in the bathroom and shower room and they couldn’t restrict me from going in there, so I had to go in there with a staff member.

When I finally got out of there, I went home to the house in Longmeadow. By this time Tammy and Larry were long gone and my father’s mother, Bella, was living with us. She came to live with us before we moved from the first house in Longmeadow. She had been living in California and she had a stroke.

The following April, 4 months later, I became a ward of the state.

From that December to April I attended an alternative high school in Springfield which I liked. It only had about 5 teachers and about 10 students. We could get away with murder there. We could skip class, go outside, and do drugs, and even our bus driver smoked pot with us.

Jenny got me into cigarettes and pot at age 13 and I smoked pot about 30 times here and there till the final time when I was 21 and had a bad experience with it like I did when I was 16. The pot had either been laced or just didn’t go with whatever meds I was on at those times.

In April I was taken to Emergency Services in Springfield and stood there at the crisis center for about 3 days. This was the very same crisis center I was in for a couple of days when I was 21 and got taken to court for prank-calling in 1989.

From there I went to LaRagione’s in Springfield. This place was originally owned by Kate LaRagione who was Anna’s mother. I was there till about June and Anna and Harry wanted to be my foster parents till I was 18, but the state wouldn’t allow that and neither would my parents since they wanted me in a long-term residential school.

I loved it with Anna and Harry so much and felt so loved, wanted and understood. I don’t remember what in the world made me cut myself before I left there, but I know it had to do with the threats they were making about taking me away from them and placing me in a school.

I remember being in my social worker’s office when the men in white coats came in and took me to Northampton. The state funny farm, and man, was I lucky to get out of there alive! What a nightmare this place was and talk about no privacy and being surrounded by lunatics! An old lady would hit me over the head with her pocketbook. Another one would masturbate in the bed across from me in my cubicle.

They gave you cigarettes every hour if you didn’t have your own, but you weren’t allowed to have any matches or lighters. Also, this wasn’t the type of place where you could bring a stereo or anything else of personal items. You were made to wear hospital gowns and you were watched every second like a hawk. The bathroom stalls had no doors on them, there were no mirrors anywhere and you couldn’t even take a shower in privacy. The shower stalls weren’t private much like in a prison.

I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 3-4 day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I’d been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, all I was doing was sitting on my bed crying. I didn’t hurt anything, anyone or myself, yet they took and tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. I naturally tried to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee or shit, they’d bring a bedpan and I was fed by someone from a tray. Once they untied one arm and I punched that person, so they tied me back up and fed me themselves and it was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the food into my mouth.

Later…

Wow! I was just in the pool. I went in the Jacuzzi first and little by little, I got used to that and ducked under once. Then, I swam up and down the main pool once. It was pretty cold at first and that 72º water felt like 30º. It’s windy out there, too, so I was quite chilled upon coming out of the water.

I was in Valleyhead from August 1982 to August 1984 when I graduated. It was a big mansion in Lenox, MA. Aside from Northampton, this was the worst place I was in as a minor. There were 2 or 4 or 6 girls in a room, but usually 4. The rules and restrictions there were heavy-duty and there was very little free time, except on weekends.

When I was 17 and there for 8 months, I jumped out a window and broke my arm. I felt trapped and just totally panicked. I felt like I’d never get out of there.

I don’t really want to spend too much time on Valleyhead as I know I’ve already covered enough about it here and there.

I went home in August of 1984 to my parent’s house. By this time Nana Bella was dead. She died when I was 17 and my mom’s parents died 6 months apart from each other when I was 19. So, it was me, my parents, Tammy and her first kid Lisa who was only about 1 at this time. I lived there for about 16 months and it was always me against Mom, Dad and Tammy and them against me for the most part. Still, I had freedom and privacy. Tammy took over my old room, Lisa was in Nana’s old room and the last of the 4 bedrooms was a den. I lived in the cellar.

Later…

Holy shit! Nervous is dead! I can’t believe he’s actually dead. When I was hanging out by the pool, I heard a cough that sort of reminded me of his nervous cough, so I called information to see if he finally had a phone. There was no listing for a Kevin T, so I called his mother to see if I could get any information from her and she said Nervous died of a sudden heart attack last September. She said they didn’t know what caused it and by the time he got to the hospital, he was gone.

This actually made me cry for a little while there. He was a nervous, obnoxious weirdo, but it’s still too bad that he had to go this way when he just turned 54. And he used to say that he had 20-30 years left when we met when I was 21 and he was 45 and that he’d live to be in the 80s just like his dad.

It goes to prove Tom’s point when he said that usually, it’s those that have no history of heart problems that die suddenly from heart problems. He told me this after I told him how I worry that mom will suddenly call saying that dad died. Nervous never had any heart problems that I knew of, so it’s got to be nerve-related. He was always so nervous.