I finally got a hold of Paula, but I will never ever talk to her again with that kid there. First, she interrupts me a million times to scream and threaten it, then she puts me on hold forever, but I just hung up at that point. She’s such a ditz!

I’m in a rather numb kind of mood right now. Destiny struck today and if he’d just get off from the 9th to the 12th, I could show him I really am sterile, but he just won’t do that! He’s just too scared and too determined to fight me with this issue. I told him this and he said, “Then let’s go for it.” Yeah, right! You know how many times he’s said that and got cold feet and just had to play games instead? I told him I know he won’t go for it. I know he’s too scared. In fact, I’m just not gonna bother to go near him when I’m mid-cycle. That way I don’t have to worry about him doing something he’s terrified of and would rather not do, and I don’t have to play his games with him. He’s only gonna be struck with sudden amnesia and “forget” how to get in there. He won’t even go inside me then, and he’ll just make up some lame excuse for why he didn’t, like the angle or something like that (after mid-cycle and on up to now, he’s had no problems getting in there).

I had said that maybe it’d be best to go to a doctor just to prove my point to Tom about the sterility, so we’d have one less thing to disagree on, but you know what? I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be normal. First, it was being dragged to Boston to make me a normal ear, then it was me trying to be a normal child who was accepted and loved, not betrayed and rejected, and now I’m supposed to see a doctor to inquire about a normal reproductive system? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m just so fucking sick of trying for what’s supposed to come naturally and be normal. If I can’t sleep with my husband, fine, cuz I’m not gonna keep trying. We just won’t sleep together. And I’m not gonna “try” to get pregnant. First off, I can’t get pregnant. And secondly, I shouldn’t have to belittle myself by having to “try” for something like that.

Tom said he was disappointed with how December went. Well, he doesn’t show it, I told him. He said he doesn’t show his emotions like I do. Oh. OK. Then I had a moment where I must’ve lost my mind, cuz I thought that the only way for me to get up the guts to defy God and see a doctor I shouldn’t be seeing, would be by Tom’s strength like it was his strength that got me through the ear surgery and the not smoking, but what for? Just to be told what I already know - that I can’t have a child? Just for him to fight the doctors along the way and maybe even put a guilt trip on me about the whole thing? He don’t want to cum regularly. He don’t want sex full-time. He don’t want no kid. And God’s totally on his side.

As for the cigarettes, oh I miss them so much! I don’t know if I can go much longer without smoking. I am getting so much closer to breaking down and going back to smoking. I even had Tom get me a wine cooler to relax me yesterday (I’ve completed the 12 weeks of the gum).

Later...

I just freaked out a bit and had Tom get me some more of that berry-flavored wine cooler. I almost had him get me cigarettes. I mean, why should it be so important for me to breathe well? Why should I worry about disappointing him when he’s let me down, too? Anyway, I decided I’d get something that’d relax me, rather than something that’d make it hard for me to breathe. I could get used to a few glasses of wine a day. Better that than cigarettes, I guess. Especially when you have asthma.

In Freeloader news, it looks like no one’s been staying there regularly. The dog’s still not there, but his car has been parked deep in the carport and has appeared not to be moved as if he hasn’t been around. The reason Tom thinks he isn’t around is cuz of how deep he parked in the carport, which is pretty inconvenient. Well, he’s afraid for that car. He probably felt better with it more hidden and like he stood a better chance of boxing in and catching anyone that may fuck with it.

I was just beginning to wonder if he wasn’t arrested shortly after the pigs showed up over there, or if he wasn’t out of state, but he just came in in a white car of some kind that we’ve never seen before. I didn’t see anyone clearly, but who else could it be? Why he’s not driving his car, beats me, but it appears that at least two people came in to put the recycle bin out. Something you wouldn’t do at 1 PM unless you’re not staying there, as Tom pointed out. Well, they can’t be staying that far out of town to be able to come in at least every other day like what seems to be the case, so is this and the fact that the dog and patio toys are gone mean they’re moving? Cuz I don’t see how this can have anything to do with the holidays at this point. Christmas is over. They moved in slowly, so maybe they’re moving out slowly, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. It does, though, seem like they’re running from something that’s scared the shit out of them!

I began taking Dexatrim, which will hopefully be an even more effective appetite suppressant, that’ll allow me to lose weight. I’m currently at 116, so, we’ll see where it goes from here.

We went to a hardware store this morning to pick out what we like for a new cabinet/sink for the bathroom. We’re both sick of this ugly old sink that has no cabinets.

I got a couple of little cactuses, too, but don’t know where I’m gonna plant them yet. It seems that Bunny’s taken to destroying my cactuses.

Lastly, we went to a pet store and got two more little wheels for the mice, mice food, and a nice blue birdcage and a loop stand for it. He matches his cage well, but Tom says he’s a she. From what research he’s done, it’s a she over 6 months old. Whatever.