Tonight’s New Year’s Eve, my favorite holiday. Another thing the freeloaders stole from me. But not totally. Tom said to me on the phone today how he’d like to celebrate Christmas, my birthday, and the new year when I get out and make up for all we’ve lost together. How sweet of him. It’s another thing I can look forward to, in the midst of all I have to not look forward to.

He also offered to visit more, but I know how hectic Sundays are. He needs his days off to himself, and I can hardly hear him over all the people who visit on Sundays anyway.

He offered to put $30 a week in which would be even better than $20. Just knowing the money was there, even if I don’t use it all, makes me feel better. I want to get more hard candy and less chocolate so it lasts longer since I can’t chew gum here.

Although I know there’s no way I’ll get out of here before 4/29, he still thinks I will, but not because of anything he does. He thinks the jail will review me and let me out early after seeing how well I behave. He said he doesn’t think the inmates are really aware of this. I can’t imagine this happening, though. If it were something that happened, I’m sure I’d have heard about it. Besides, that sounds more like something that’d happen in prison, not jail.

Ruby’s still here, and if she gets out, it won’t be till next week after she talks to classification. I guess they fucked up on the computer.

By no means am I desperate to escape Carolyn and Monday, but they won’t always let me sleep. After our hour out at 9:00 this morning, they wouldn’t let me go back to sleep! They were talking on and off and wouldn’t even pretend to try to talk softly. They’re fine cellies when you’re awake. They don’t stink and don’t beg for my radio, but trying to get any sleep with them around is hit or miss. Carolyn said I should be more tolerable, but there’s only so much a person can tolerate, and they need to do their share of compromising, too. They can’t expect to throw all the compromising on me. I also made it clear to them that I won’t respect their sleep if they don’t respect mine.

I told Carolyn I sometimes wake up grouchy and not to take it personally.

“But we do take it personally,” she said.

“Well, that’s your problem then,” I told her. “I can’t worry and be responsible for how you may react to things. All I can do is tell you like it is and then you handle it however you’re going to handle it.”

The nurse surprised me by bringing me my allergy spray on his evening rounds, but they’re still out of the asthma inhaler. This nose spray is better because it sprays a finer mist like the lung inhalers. The other ones were like squirting water up my nose, but with this one, I don’t even need to dab at my nose with a tissue afterward.

---

It’s late afternoon right now. Carolyn, who’s sick to her stomach, is getting a taste of her own medicine and experiencing a good old-fashioned case of karma. The assholes out on their hour were keeping her up. Actually, she slept most of the day, which was the only reason I could get caught up on my sleep, but she wanted to sleep longer than I did. Yet even the DOs don’t have any respect, as Carolyn would find out when the rude dickhead we got on tonight went banging on tables. I’m sure Carolyn will steal my sleep (along with Monday) tomorrow and the next day, but today it’s nice to see that God, or something, took care of Carolyn and showed her what it’s like to ask someone the simple little favor of lowering their voice, only to be ignored.

Karma got Carolyn, but what about the freeloaders? Yeah, what about the freeloaders? That’s another good title for this book - What About the Freeloaders?!?!

Tom’s Christmas gifts consisted of a new shirt (he always gets a new shirt), a weird stuffed animal in a box, a wrench, and an electronic toy.

---

It’s about 10 PM now. Earlier we had another disappointing dinner; a cold, greasy hot dog with a little scoop of potato salad, a couple of pieces of cauliflower, and 5 crackers.

I can’t wait for commissary!

It’s going to be a long boring night for me. I can only read and write so much. I can only sleep so much, too.

Monday says she’s going to sleep as much as she can tomorrow because she has to be pulled for court at 2 AM. I treasure any time I can get with just one celly. With her gone, Carolyn won’t be chatting, and fortunately, she doesn’t talk to herself.

I’m getting a copy of this thing called Hart vs. MCSO through a tank order. It’s about a girl who took this place to court to better the living conditions around here. According to what I read in Carolyn’s copy (she’s rude, yet she’s enlightened me) it’s illegal for them to put more than 2 people in these small cells. I’m going to tank the captain and ask him why MCSO (Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office) can break the law, but we can’t. Then I’m going to send my copy home to Tom and see if he can have it investigated. It pisses me off, even scares me, to know that no investigators check up on things around here periodically. There’s got to be someone Tom can contact to stop them from putting 3 of us in here like this, as well as to maybe get some hot showers here, too.

I slept on and off today, then after listening to people on their hour out discuss their “wives” for a while, I decided to get up.

I wish Poindexter, the girl next to us, wasn’t next to us. Everybody’s got to come gab with her on their hour out and it gets old.

My girlfriend’s on tonight. My imaginary one, that is, with a cold. I said, “It’s my favorite DO! Where you moving me to tonight?” when she came to the door to serve dinner, but she says she’s not moving me.

Wow! Really?

Ruby’s still here and I’m beginning to doubt she’ll go to GP. I just may be with Carolyn and Monday for a while, but they’re tolerable enough. Both should be gone in a couple of weeks, though. Monday to prison and Carolyn to rehab.

I’m depressed and homesick tonight, but what else is new? This is jail. My husband and my home are still way in the future. Many worlds away. I want to cry, but I don’t want to. It’d make me feel better, but I don’t want to run my mascara and depress Carolyn and Monday.

For jail mail, I got a receipt saying a friend deposited $20 yesterday. It couldn’t have been Helen. She wouldn’t do that, I don’t think, so it must’ve been Tom. I’ll call and ask him tomorrow.

No arm exercises for me tonight. I hurt my shoulder. I’ve been having problems on and off with that shoulder for nearly a year. I wonder if I might have tendonitis.

I’m through grieving for warmer air and hot showers just to have it granted for only 4 days. I’ll just suffer for 4 more months.

Palma started singing in Spanish as she approached our door on a walk, then stopped as she moved away. Hmm…trying to impress me? I wish! I also wish my Spanish was as good as hers and that Ruby would get the fuck out of here! I heard her talking to Palma about it earlier. She ain’t going anywhere. Not for a while, anyway. At least I’m not in a huge cell in M or with someone like Melinda.

Carolyn and Monday sleep and read most of the time. In the evenings they’re up chatting. Neither of them stinks, which is good, but Carolyn is one very misguided woman! She’s the one that’s very religious and she claims that the world will end in 10 years. Anything’s possible, but if it does, I highly doubt it’ll be in the way she says it will. She says the whole world, even those that live in the desert, far away from the ocean, will see Jesus place one foot on land and the other on water. Then after Satan tries to fool people into thinking he’s God, God’s going to pull his followers into heaven and kill the rest of us. It’s called The Rapture. Carolyn’s going to be one very disappointed person if she’s right, yet doesn’t make it to heaven. Or very shocked if none of this happens at all, but she strikes me as the type that would come up with a logical reason in her delusional mind for why it never happened. I mean, doesn’t she realize how ridiculous this story sounds? I try not to judge/change others and I expect others not to judge/change me, but it all sounds crazy to me.

She asked me what I thought about it all. I told her I believe in God, but not in God the way most people who believe in him do, and I don’t believe in religion. To me, religion is nothing but a bunch of silly rules and superstitious beliefs.

I jogged earlier. Because of my shoulder, I think I’ll only do leg and ab exercises tonight. Then I’ll listen to music, think of Tom, get homesick, and then cry.

I was right when I said commissary would fuck up my order every 2-3 weeks, but at least it was a minor fuck-up. Instead of getting pink lipstick, I got Chapstick, so the guy said he’d take back the Chapstick and credit me for it.

I loaned Rosa a pair of batteries for her radio because her husband didn’t get money into her account on time. I got 15 envelopes for the stuff I got Tina, Carolyn and Monday.

I also wrote Tina the lyrics to the song Desperado like she asked me to.

That Magic Shave they sell is great. It’s a powder you mix with water like pancake batter. It really does remove hair. Carolyn helped me at first. I put it on for 5 minutes, then scraped it off with my ID card. Then I washed the area with my homemade washcloth (a piece of a torn towel).

Although I like Carolyn and Monday, I would still like to go back to Tina and Rosa, but smelly Ruby’s still there. Now that I’m settled with Carolyn and Monday, I’m sure I’ll be moved anytime now.

Where’s Palma? She hasn’t been here since Christmas. I asked Nottelmann if she was on vacation and she said no. Guess she’s working the dorms.

They’ve finally gone to bed. Now maybe I can get a little shitting privacy.

It was funny earlier how Monday was saying she wished she had a catheter running from her to the toilet so she wouldn’t have to keep climbing up and down. It’s an easy climb, though, if you ask me, but she’s kind of fat and out of shape.

Carolyn said the only experience with a woman she had was eating out a hooker she befriended in order to get her out of her house. She said it was either that or be raped but that sounds like an awfully strange story to me. Women aren’t normally that forceful.

Monday says that she’s heard that this jail is the Hilton of all jails in the US. In other countries, they beat and starve people and make them live in their own shit.

Well, this jail is bad enough. After 4 days of being blessed with warm showers, they’re cold again. It only lasted 4 days in M too, when we grieved the showers there. It’s like they count the days or something.

It’s also colder again. I remembered how someone in M covered their vent by slapping on wet wads of toilet paper, so Carolyn and I did that earlier.

They’ve fucked up with the meds again too, the incompetent fuckers! Yesterday’s trip to medical was a complete waste of time, except I got to see Rosa there. We were glad to see each other.

I was pissed to find that I haven’t lost any more weight, too. I’m still 110 pounds. I better cut back on the commissary. Maybe I should just get hard candy, which replaces the gum I usually chew on the outs that they don’t sell here.

I turned down the eye exam because Tom would have to send money in if I needed glasses, and my eyes aren’t bad enough for glasses. I’ll get a real eye exam someday on the outs.

I told the doctor why I didn’t want the Theo and she said, “That’s a lie,” when I told her I was told it’s what made my veins small. My Theo prescription has expired. That’s why they’ve finally quit offering it. The inhalers don’t expire till January 5th. Meanwhile, the doctor said I need not come to medical whenever I need refills. All I have to do is ask the nurse for refills until my prescription expires. Right away my vibes said that the nurse wouldn’t have them. Not only did she not have them, but the whole fucking jail doesn’t have them! They’re out of them and have ordered them from the distributor. How could these stupid quacks let them run out before ordering more, and just how many days will it take for them to get more? Again, I’m getting so fucking fed up with having to fight for meds that I’m tempted to say – fuck it!

A very butchy butch who noticed I was having trouble breathing on my way back from talking with Kara, gave me a hit of her inhaler. That was very nice of her. I’m saving the few precious hits I have left for when I really need them, but hopefully I won’t. I do the ballooning technique when I get really tight and it usually helps.

As for my allergy spray – instead of taking 2 squirts in each nostril a day, I’m taking 1 in each every other day.

My teeth – fuck them. If God wanted me to have straight teeth, he’d have given me them, and this is why he’s now got me in a situation that’ll force me to have crooked teeth again. I rebelled against the way they were and now I’m going to lose all I worked for. I went through so much time, money and pain to straighten them! I should’ve known better, though, about trying to change the way things are. I’m not going to bother returning to the dentist, or any other one for that matter. I’m just going to let them rot till they fall out and I need dentures.

I really love this Magic Shave. You don’t get razor stubble. On the outs, I’ll probably get the kind that’s already mixed, although it may be more expensive. All I’ll have to do is rub it on and wait 5 minutes, then hop in the shower. I may never use razors again.

Just heard a 3rd shift DO tell someone it’s 1:00.

I had a bright idea, though I don’t know that it’ll work. I want to put in a tank to classification requesting a copy of my original Ad-Seg form “for my records.” The real reason I want it is to see if I can get Rule’s first and middle initials and her ID# (even DOs have ID#’s). I want this for when I mail her a thank-you note because I heard there’s another Officer Rule floating around here somewhere.

I keep having these very depressing thoughts of being forced out of my home, away from my husband, and into the city. Into a small studio apartment near a job, only being with Tom in Maricopa on weekends.

After tanking psych, I got to see Kara today. I explained to her that my fight for an early release is over and that we’ve tried everything to no avail. I knew deep down as of 2-3 weeks ago that I wouldn’t get out before 4/29, but the reality of it really hit yesterday. I was so depressed.

I told her about the PO ignoring me and she offered to call for me, but I said no. Tom might call the PO’s supervisor. I don’t know if this is true or not, but Carolyn says she’s ignoring me because she’s not technically my PO (Carolyn would turn out to be right). The one out of Maricopa will be. Then why’d they bother to assign me to this woman in the first place?

I also explained to Kara that Tom spoke to a lawyer who said they’d love to take our money, but rule 32 isn’t for me. That applies to those in prison. He still thinks that after being here with good behavior for 90 days, since anyone can behave for just a week or two, I’ll have a better chance of an early release, but I don’t know if I can behave for that long with all these assholes, and I know I won’t get out early. I’m 100% sure of it at this point.

“That’s more time you have with Palma,” Monday said.

Sorry, but I’d rather trade in Palma for my husband, home, pets, freedom, and all the stuff I miss.

When I discussed with Kara my wanting to be closed custody because of the stress of having to be with so many different people, half of them rude or crazy, she said she’d hate to see me classified as CC because that’s for violent people. Like I really give a fuck about my reputation? I knew I’d never get it, though. God wants me with people. Lots and lots of people.

Ruby still hasn’t left for GP yet. I wonder if she ever will.

Kara said she’d talk to people about not moving me around so much, but I doubt Palma would give a shit. I also doubt there was ever a chance she ever liked me. No woman that I feel is that good-looking ever likes me. It’s almost always one-sided. If it likes me, I don’t like it, and if I like it, it doesn’t like me.

The best part of my day, which is now yesterday, was the fact that I got 2 visits back to back! First Helen, then Tom! Helen kept her word. How sweet of her to see me here. No, she definitely isn’t solely money-motivated.

She didn’t yet get the letter I sent in response to the Christmas card she sent me because she’s been in San Antonio and hasn’t been to the office.

It was hard for me not to shed some tears during our visit. Even her eyes got watery. Hope I didn’t ruin her day!

I filled her in as best I could about the good and bad, although unfortunately, there’s very little good to this place. I told her of my fears for when I get out of here and asked if she could help me find someone, if I needed it, to give me a note explaining why it would be hard on me both physically and emotionally to work outside the house. I need to work at home. I’m not going to be forced out into this sick, crazy world and into being something/somebody I’m not. I need to be the boss of my own fucking life! I can’t live my life with others always telling me what to do!

We agreed I’d give her a copy, once I get home and type up the rough drafts, of the Estrella Jail saga, so she can catch up on this nightmare quicker by reading in between sessions.

I’m in a real tug of war, as I told her. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live, either. I want to die right now to spare myself another 4 months of hell in here and whatever hell awaits me on the outs. Yet I want to live to be with my husband again, to play with Houdini, to do the things I love to do, eat my favorite foods and so much more. I want to beat these freeloaders once and for all! Beat them out of my life for good! Take back all that they and the courts have stolen from me!

I was just about to ask Tom what he got for Christmas when our time was up. He said he decided to wait and let me open my gifts myself when I get out. Sounds good.

Helen said my committing suicide would end my pain, but Tom’s would be forever. I don’t know about that. Tom’s a strong one who moves on very well. He could handle it and he’d get over it, but I get her point.

OK, now for my shocking news. There’s a chance Palma may actually like me. I thought about the possibility for a second, said nah, then Carolyn suggested she might like me before I even mentioned it. I don’t know, though. For everything that says she doesn’t like me, there’s something that says she might.

Ruby, Carolyn and Monday think she’s bi. I had thought she may be prejudiced because of how Madeline said she reacted to a couple of girls who got rather close to each other in K dorm. She said Palma said something like, “How could you do that shit on my shift? That’s sick!” Carolyn said the bi ones are the ones that usually react like that, and Madeline’s no reliable source of information.

Monday said she was nearly fired last May for nearly beating someone up. Palma does have a very aggressive streak in her.

If she does like me, she has a very strange way of showing it what with the way she’s played musical cells with me. Carolyn said that her bouncing me around may delay me from going back to M because it’s those who have been in the same cell here the longest that tend to go first, she says, and not who’s been in Ad-Seg for the longest, like I had thought. On the other hand, though, she moves a lot of people around, so I don’t know what to think.

Maybe she respects me for standing up to her. Maybe that’s it. Three times I yelled at her and got away with it. She could’ve written me up or done something. Then again, all I really did was swear and bitch. It’s not like I threatened to kill her. Even so, from what I’ve seen, Palma’s the wrong one to go off on. Why I got away with it is a mystery to me.

Later, once I’d gotten settled in here, I apologized for going off on her. “You’re OK, babe,” she said. It didn’t hit me till later that she used the word babe, and I asked Carolyn if she heard her say that, which she did.

Another thing that stuck in my mind was how weird I thought it was for her to say, “I’d never send you there,” when I thanked her for not sending me to M the day she put me in with Ruby. I could’ve sworn she either said that, or “I wouldn’t send you there.”

Again, I don’t know what to think. It’s nice to think that someone you like might like you back, but I can’t say for sure what’s going through her mind. There’s something there, though. It seems that ever since I gave her that card, things have changed between us, and I’ve been getting a lot more attention from her, even if most of it isn’t in a great way, and even though she’s still not very friendly overall. I must admit that as pretty as she is, there’s nothing about her personality that really grabs me. She may know two languages, but other than that, I get the feeling she’s probably pretty dumb.

A part of me doesn’t want to know if she likes me or not, as much as I’m curious, because then there’d be no fun in guessing and wondering, which is fun to do. I like playing detective games and trying to figure things out. I don’t have anything much better to do here, anyway.

Nottelmann said she’d put me in Alex’s cell if it’s not taken when she returns Thursday. If he left today, like I’m pretty sure he did, it’ll be taken long before Thursday. Thursday I’m going to try to get her to put me back with Rosa and Tina. The only problem with that is that Palma will bounce me back out.

Rosa and Tina are not happy to have Ruby for a celly, although they like her. Ruby showers only once a week and has a yeast infection that makes her stink like hell. She finally showered today. I remember how she stunk, though Rosa’s a stinker, too.

There are a couple of funny things I forgot to mention from when I was with Rosa and Tina. I wrote the Spanish word pared down, which means wall. Then I told Rosa, “Me voy a pregunta Tina al leer esta palabra” (I’m going to ask Tina to read this word). She pronounced it paired, just like I knew she would. Rosa and I got quite a kick out of that one!

Then I told Tina to tell Palma dame un beso (give me a kiss), but Tina said she doubted she could remember that and that she didn’t trust what I was telling her to tell her.

Gee, I wonder why? It was still worth the try!

A101

Took a long, 4-hour nap. I must’ve been exhausted.

I have a lot to update on. Not even an hour after giving Nottelmann that note, Palma rolled me back to 107 and told Ruby to go to 101. I was both shocked and psyched. Tina and I were hugging, Rosa practically picked me up off the ground as she hugged me, and we were all glad I was “home” again.

I had just gotten my shit set up when in came Palma to tell me she was swapping me and Ruby. I was pissed and I totally went off on her, asking her why the fuck she was doing this to me and that if she had a fucking problem with me, she could just come out and say so.

Then she tells me not to give her any shit and that someone fucked up the roster and she was trying to fix it (how the hell I got away with cussing her out, beats me!). I guess she swapped us because Ruby’s max, and so are Rosa and Tina. Because I’m medium, I was put in with other mediums.

Anyway, as I was heading towards 101, I asked Palma if they were crazy. She said they weren’t, and that I probably knew them.

Well, I’ve never met Carolyn P and Marian M before, but at least they aren’t crazy. Just rude. They have no respect for those that are sleeping. Especially Monday, as she likes to be called. The only way I can get any sleep in here is if one of them is asleep while I’m asleep. If not, they talk to each other without bothering to lower their voices. They don’t even try to be quieter.

They’re both in for drugs and both are ugly. Carolyn’s 39 and Monday’s 43, and because she’s older, I’m sure that means she’ll be talking a lot, especially to herself. She gave Carolyn and I Christmas cards she got from tank orders. That’s premature. It was still nice of her, though.

Although gently, Carolyn’s been trying to push Jesus on me. I was shocked to find she has a boyfriend. She’s very butchy looking with boring short hair.

This is the 13th time I’ve been moved, and if I haven’t lost count, I’ve had 13 cellies now, too. Ruby, Carolyn and Monday say all I have to do is ask a shrink for closed custody and they’ll give it to me. Yeah, right! And I suppose they’ll give me a million dollars too, if I ask for it. God would never let me escape all these people, but you can bet your ass I’m still going to try!

Tom finally heard from someone – the bar association. They said to take it back to court. In other words, they don’t give a shit and they aren’t going to do anything about it.

During our visit, he signed a sentence – the rat and mouse ate cheese. He’s learning! I had to correct him a couple of times, but I needed correcting at times myself when I was first learning. Those illustrations can be tricky to comprehend.

He told me the rats were biting him and acting out. Harry ran into the bedroom while Houdini ran the opposite way and climbed up inside the couch.

I showed him how I lost enough weight to finally trade in my large pants for mediums. They’ve been feeding us shit lately! I can’t wait for tomorrow’s commissary. Our Christmas dinner was no different than any other. Tom said he wasn’t surprised, seeing that Christmas is a religious holiday and Thanksgiving is more of a generic one.

Monday’s got court tonight and Monday’s got it January 2nd. Then within 10 days, she’ll be DOC’d out of here.

I got pretty PO’d at this totally rude DO on my way to my visit who was doing escort. I’d have grieved him if I’d known his name, but I didn’t catch it (I later learned it was Bergman). I forgot to tuck my shirt in and he told me to and I did. That’s where the bald mother-fucker should’ve dropped it. Instead, the little fuck had to add that he was two seconds away from canceling my visit. That’s two seconds away from dealing with my wrath he would’ve been too, if he had canceled it, because that wouldn’t have been my loss only but Tom’s, too. That would’ve been so rude to do to Tom and so unfair to him too, after taking the time to come and see me. And over tucking in a fucking shirt! If he’d canceled it, I don’t think I’d have been able to keep from losing it on the sack of snot. How dare he threaten me! What? Do some of these DOs think they’re God just because they’re the DOs and we’re the inmates? This one can bend it backward and shove it up his ass! Sometimes I find myself wishing I didn’t have visits or commissary to lose because if I had nothing to lose, I’d have kicked many sets of teeth down many throats by now.

I thought I noticed more gray in Tom’s hair. A twinge of guilt crept over me when I saw this. And anger and sadness, too. Imagine all the gray hair I’ll have when I get out!

Carolyn and Monday have been good (so far) with not begging. They haven’t even asked to use my radio. I’ll have a total of 15 envelopes if all goes well. I’ll have 6 from Tina after I get her candy bar and pop tarts, 6 from Monday for 2 brownies and corn nuts, and 3 from Carolyn for 1 candy bar.

Carolyn and I were talking about diet and exercise and she said that if you build muscle underneath the fat, rather than lose the fat first, you won’t lose the fat. That’s what happened to me. But then she said that a good 3-4 months of eating 3 grapefruits a day will peel the outer layer of fat off. That outer layer of fat, though, is being peeled off really well, thanks to Estrella Jail and the freeloaders who put me here.

Black Johnson worked 2nd shift, and I said jokingly, “Hey, you wanna pass a kite for me?”

“Yeah, right,” she said.

We’re not supposed to pass kites to each other, so we have to do it behind the DO’s backs. Rosa had a kite made up for me with lipstick kisses which I got during the 5 minutes I was back there before Palma bounced me down here.

Speaking of kites, I got another medical one to go in for my inhaler/snot spray. I’m scheduled for an eye exam but haven’t heard about my prescriptions yet.

Oh, I hate this shit! I’m so sick of having to fight for things no one should have to fight for. At least we have hot showers and even the air temperature’s warmer. How long will it last, though?

Got two letters from Tom today, mostly mentioning how the rats bite him and misbehave. He enclosed a picture of Harry, saying he’s getting to look like Vanilla Belly. I couldn’t see his belly, but I thought he was a spitting image of Scuttles with the dark brown fur and white paws. He says mellow Harry’s turned into a hyper, rebellious thing.

He says he hasn’t been able to get any info on Rosa yet. The court website’s been down.

He also says he’s holding off on the governor and senator’s letters till he talks to a lawyer. He thinks a lawyer would cost $300–$400, but I think it’d cost more than that. His mom, God bless her, may have to help us.

Why don’t we just open up “The Freeloader Account?” Why don’t we just pay her regularly for the rest of our lives? In a sense, we’ll probably have to anyway.

Carolyn and Monday had the very unfortunate curse of having crazy Melinda for a celly for 3 days till she went back to M. They said they prayed for someone like me. I’m glad God answered their prayers. Now how about mine?

Set me free, God!

Carolyn was telling me the DOs record our daily behavior in detail, but I don’t see how they can be that detailed when 95% of the time they don’t glance in at us for longer than a second. Sometimes not at all.

Yuck! This cell is starting to reek of bad breath (they’re asleep). Commissary needs to start selling room deodorizers.

As I’ve said before, I plan to type these rough drafts up when I leave here and make a little book. My Estrella Jail Nightmare was the only thing I could think of for a title. Then Carolyn came up with Why Am I Here? Again, I know why I’m here. I’m here because something up there hates me and wants to screw me over.

Carolyn thinks I should publish it to let folks know exactly what goes on here, and when I told her what a bitch it is to get something published, she recommended I sell it at a consignment shop.

I don’t think so.

So now it’s Christmas. Another thing the freeloaders have stolen from me, even if all we would’ve done was stay home. Still, I should be home with my husband! Not here on account of this shit!

What goes around comes around. Wouldn’t that rule apply to non-whites as well as whites? I hope so!

Although Ruby’s quite immature for a 40-year-old and can bore me to death with stories of her drug days, she is quiet most of the time. She sleeps and reads a lot.

She was kind enough to loan me her sharp pencil since mine are all blunt. I’m buying her three 55¢ packs of cookies and a 25¢ chic-o-stick in exchange for 8 envelopes. That’s an awesome trade.

---

I was beginning to think Ruby would never go to bed so I could shit in private! She read two whole books today. I wish I could concentrate on reading hour after hour like she does. Because we slept late, we were up late. I probably won’t crash till after breakfast. I also took a nap yesterday afternoon, too.

Tina passed me a kite earlier through the girl on her hour out, telling me they’re thinking of me, be strong, don’t cry, and Merry Christmas to both Ruby and I.

I’m sure it’s just eye strain due to stress and poor lighting, but I’ve been having a little trouble seeing. So I put in a request to get my eyes checked. It only costs a few bucks, so what the hell? Ruby said I ought to get the kind of contacts where I could have a different eye color every day. Now that sounds awesome. But my eyes aren’t that bad, they’re probably expensive, and I couldn’t imagine having the guts to stick my eyes with contacts.

---

We’re about an hour away from 2nd shift. I hope Palma’s on.

We didn’t get anything special for breakfast or lunch. I hope they feed us well at dinner. I hope it’s chicken with some kind of dessert. We haven’t had desserts in a while. If it’s chicken, Ruby said I could have hers because she hates chicken.

Ruby’s been asleep for about 12 hours now. Most of the time I feel like I’m alone. Of course she’s a good celly – it’s only temporary. She stinks and has bad breath, though. In fact, I turned myself around on my bed. Before, our heads were barely more than a foot apart.

Although it’s nothing serious, Ruby does talk to herself a little bit. I noticed that it’s the older ones who’ve done more time that tend to talk to themselves more.

They finally got nail clippers, although they’re pretty blunt.

According to Tina, her shower water was hot. That’s nice. I spoke to both her and Rosa on my hour out. I also called Tom who said he’s going to stop by Mom’s tomorrow, got bit by Houdini, and is going to hire a lawyer. If this lawyer doesn’t get me out of here before April, nothing will. This is our last resort.

Ruby agrees with me – my PO isn’t ignoring Tom and I because of the holidays. She’s ignoring us because she’s every bit as bad as I vibed she’d be. She’s just a bitch who doesn’t give a shit. I hear so many people say how cool their POs are, well, I’ll never get one of those. I just know I won’t.

I forgot to mention something pretty funny Rosa did to Tina before I came over here. Tina was standing at the door talking to someone with her hands clasped behind her back, holding her toothbrush. She’d just finished brushing her teeth when Rosa reached for her toothpaste and put some on the toothbrush! It was sooo funny!

The only thing I don’t miss about being with them is that Tina’s so desperate for chatter. She’s not very independent at all. This constant need for chatter brings people to the door, and when they get to gabbing loudly, it really annoys the fuck out of me. I wouldn’t feel like I was alone right now if I were in with them. They’d be up wanting to talk, and Tina practically forces me to play interpreter for her so she and Rosa can chat, whether or not I’m in the mood. I’d still rather do the rest of my time with them, though, even though she smothers me and gets on my nerves at times, but I know it ain’t about to happen.

Yes! Palma and Nottelmann are on!

I just heard someone ask someone which DOs were on and they didn’t like the answer. They said that when Palma’s on, they get moved. Yeah, Palma does like to play musical cells. Almost every time a 3rd celly has come into whatever cell I’m in, they’re put there by Palma. Who’s Palma going to put in here tonight? Ruby says she won’t put anyone in here. Then she’ll move me instead.

Damn! Ruby’s going to end up being up while I’m asleep and I don’t know if I like that idea.

I’ve got a note on lined paper for Nottelmann about letting me go back to 107, or at least not putting me in a 4-man cell if I must be shipped back to M.

A105

It’s about midnight now, and I’m now 2 doors down from Rosa and Tina with Ruby S. Tina knows her from prison. Ruby’s tolerable. She talks a lot like most inmates do, but she also reads a lot, too. Even so, I miss Rosa and even Tina the bitch!

Ruby is of average height and weight with brown hair and hazel eyes.

I got the shit scared out of me at first. I had gotten really depressed and had Tina ask Palma to pull me to chat with me, which would’ve helped cheer me up. I wasn’t comfortable with asking her myself. So Palma said she would when she got the chance, but she was so busy.

A little later she glanced in at me, then the next thing I know, she’s telling Tina and I to roll up over the intercom! I’m like, now? I knew one of us would get Melinda’s bed, and the other would be in the lower 4-man cell (probably me with my shit luck).

Then Palma said, “No, not you W. S, roll up.”

I refused to go over there, so two other girls got shipped over there instead.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Tina and I calmed a teary Rosa, who was all upset over nearly losing me. But then on our hour out, Palma told me I was going to 105. Why she picked me out of the 3 of us beats me, but I guess I’m here because Ruby’s an epileptic who needs to have someone with her, not that it should be my responsibility. Ruby’s going to general pop on Wednesday or Thursday, so Rosa, Tina and I are going to fight to get me back in with them then.

When I thanked Palma for not moving me to M, she said she’d never move me there.

What did she mean by that?

This cell is not as private because it’s right in front of the tower, but I can still pee without anyone in the tower seeing me. Ruby doesn’t have her vents blocked, yet oddly enough, it’s warmer in here.

Right after 5 of us grieved the cold showers, it was warm, but I know it won’t last.

Palma was in a wicked bad mood. I told her that Nancy D, this girl who has the hots for me, was willing to cell with Ruby, and explained why me and Rosa didn’t want to be separated, but she was like - nope. I already made up my mind, G needs to learn English, etc. I had no way of knowing at the time why Palma really moved me. At least, why I think she moved me, anyway. I’m pretty sure, looking back on it now, that she realized she was beginning to like me and was jealous of me being friends with Rosa.

Although Rosa and I are closer and have more in common, Tina and I have come to care for each other, even though we argue like Madeline and I used to. Ruby says Madeline’s gone to GP.

Kim turned out to be pretty two-faced, telling Ruby I was a whiny bitch, not that that wasn’t true at times, but what? Was Miss Tough Stuff too afraid to tell me this to my face? She’d always brag about how tough she was. Well obviously she wasn’t, or else she’d have had the balls to tell me this to my face.

Anyway, Palma and I never really talked because so much was going on. And maybe she just didn’t care, either. When she was doing a walk I said, “You really hate me, huh?” and she said she didn’t hate anybody. I told her I didn’t mean to give her a hard time, although as I explained to her, playing musical cells and bunkies really affects my nerves, and she said I wasn’t giving her a hard time. I commented about her being in as bad a mood as I was in (she was swearing, as usual), but she said it was just a busy night.

At one point, I really got PO’d when she was ordering us to lock down, and in a loud, snotty voice I yelled, “You know, it would really help if you’d open the fucking door!” (Ruby’s door was locked)

Then she said, “Not you. Them” (Rosa and Tina).

Then she had the DO in the tower pop 105 for me. I’m surprised she didn’t go off on me for yelling at her.

I asked if she got other Christmas cards from other inmates and she said she got quite a few. I was both shocked and a bit disappointed to hear this. I had hoped to surprise her by being the only one. I told Ruby I was surprised she’d get so many cards due to how many people think she’s a bitch. This is when Ruby explained to me that some people like that and that the meaner a DO is, the cooler they think they are. Well, Palma may look really good, but she sure can be a bitch!

---

It’s about 1 PM now, and yes, Ruby’s a good celly. That’s because she sleeps so much. She’s been sleeping for over 12 hours now. She may be up later to drive me crazy with non-stop chatter. Still, I want back in with Rosa and Tina!

Crazy Melinda’s out on her hour, doing what she did yesterday – begging, singing, and being totally weird and obnoxious.

I was surprised that Helen’s card took only a day to get to me. I’d think it’d be delayed because of the holidays, but since it wasn’t, I won’t wait till after the 1st like I was going to before I mail journal pages. It’s all local, anyway.

Helen sent a Christmas card saying she hasn’t forgotten me, she’s just been busy. That was really nice of her.

I wonder if Palma moved me here because she was worried I’d hurt myself or something because I was awfully teary-eyed yesterday and this cell’s right in front of the tower.

I just saw and waved to Rosa who’s outside the pod waiting for an escort to take her to visitation. Crazy Melinda started talking to her through the window and I signaled Rosa to let her know she was crazy. Melinda saw me motioning, came up to the door, asked if she could get me anything, then said, “Oh, it’s you,” then turned and walked away.

Whatever.

Last night when we were out on our hour before I moved in with Ruby, I called and bitched to Tom. I was so overwhelmed, I told him. The water’s cold, the air’s cold, I want my retainers, and I want everyone to stop ignoring our calls/letters. He still thinks I’ll be released early, but I don’t see it.

Now I’ve got Ruby telling me there’s a reason for all this shit, and that if I find out what it is - and I may never find out - it might not be till the end of my sentence.

I know why I’m here, goddamnit!

Even Tina talked to him, letting him know about rule 32.

Rosa was crying too, and Tom said to be strong for Rosa, who wrote me a little note of inspiration right before I moved.

I am now able to understand Rosa more and more when she talks at her normal speed. I’m finding the need less and less to tell her to slow down.

In my last envelope to Tom, I enclosed a hot dog coupon for him.

As much as I would never want to be pals on the outs with these inmates (except for Rosa), it’s really cool how you can tell them anything and they won’t freak out. Everyone I’ve ever celled with knows I like Palma, and it’s no problem. They’re either gay or bi themselves or have been around so many of them that it doesn’t faze them.

Rosa, Tina and I had a nice talk earlier and I did a lot of interpreting. Gosh, I know a lot of Spanish! All the talking made my lungs tight, though, and Rosa whacked my back. Yeah, I would really rather stay here with these two, than be with someone I may not like in M. We talked mostly about Rosa’s case. At this point, I really believe it was an accident, and kids do fall all the time.

The crazy black bitch was out bitching about all those white inmates that call her names. You’re going to have a hard life as a black chick in this world if you gotta pitch a fit every time you get called a name. That’s part of being a black bitch, bitch, so get used to it or stop treating people like shit!

I asked a trustee who I know lives in the tents if Rule’s still there. Once in a while, she said. She usually works in the men’s tents. Yuck!

I said Pérez was the friendliest DO, but Chambers is just as friendly. It’s too bad she’s not on more often.

It’s about midnight now. I just took a dump (perfect time to do it too, if you want a little privacy – when your cellies are sleeping). I just hope Rosa’s sleeping at night won’t mean she’ll be up during the day tomorrow. I doubt it, though. She needs to catch up on her sleep. At least I know that if she, Tina, or both were up when I was asleep, they’d be more considerate than Lora and Madeline. Speaking of Madeline, I’ll have to thank her for my birthday card when I see her and let her know I miss our nightly squabbles, although I don’t miss celling with her.

Nottelmann’s a cool DO, but it’ll be interesting to see just how cool she is. Will she really put me in a small cell? And with Rosa? The DOs may feel I’d be doing them a favor by putting us together, so I could interpret when DOs were on that didn’t speak Spanish. I know the trustee, who asked for Rosa’s size for her court clothes, and the DO (whoever she was) that were on late last night, were very grateful I could help with the Spanish.

I wonder why M’s Ad-Seg and juvi pods are so small compared to A’s? A has 15 per pod and M has 5 per pod.

I was thinking about what Tom said about the economy being bad. Well, what if we’re forced to sell a house we can’t possibly sell? And certainly not fast enough to meet their ludicrous demands! Am I going to be forced back into an apartment in the city? We couldn’t afford rent on top of the mortgage, but nobody cares and this city wants me back!!!

---

Got up sort of late today. That’s because I couldn’t fall back asleep after breakfast, and when I would start to, something would wake me up. I decided to get daily vitamin packs from commissary in case the month after month of sleeping only a few hours here and a few hours there catches up to me and gets me sick.

I put in a medical tank for refills on both my inhaler and allergy spray, but I don’t know if I’ll get lucky enough to get them again in just a few days. I heard one girl say it took her 4 weeks just to get a refill on an inhaler.

I also grieved the cold water and freezing air again. This may be jail, but we’re not animals and we shouldn’t have to live like them! Why do we have to fight for things we should have anyway? I’m sick of this hell hole! And sick of being forced to interact with these people day in and day out, too!

I have a strong feeling I’m going to M Dorm within the next few days (and I’ll lose my commissary again, too), but not with Rosa. I think if I really do go to a small cell, it’ll be with Tina. Better than Melinda, but not as good as Rosa. Nottelmann mentioned me possibly going to Alex’s cell, but that’s upstairs, so Rosa couldn’t go there too, being pregnant. Why Madeline was ever upstairs, beats me. Maybe they moved her by now.

Speaking of crazy Melinda, she’s here now. I saw her on the phone earlier. Tina said she’s seen her 4-pointed, naked to a bed here. She must’ve gone on another suicidal rampage or was run out of her cell. It’d be funny if she were in with the bunk-banger.

---

That was a shitty dinner. Two boring hot dogs, potato salad, zucchini and bread.

Ruby, this woman who’d been in M in the big cell with Kim and Lisa for a long time, is here now, too. She got fed up with Kim and Lisa and was sick of listening to the AB talk. Especially since her grandkids are part Mexican. Lisa’s leaving Monday and I guess Kim’s leaving on the 1st. I have a strong feeling I’ll be moved over to M Dorm by New Year’s, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure – I’m not going in a big cell. I’d rather stay here if that were my only choice. Tina doesn’t think we’ll cell together in M. I have mixed emotions about that one. She’s quiet and sane compared to some of the others, but she can be a moody bitch. Earlier, she was getting on me for bitching about the things that bother me in jail, yet why do others always have to accommodate her? She wants others to be like her, and as I told her, she’s going to have to meet me halfway if she’s going to cell with me. She’s also turning into a beggar. I want to strangle her at times!

There’s another crazy one next to us, Danielle, who’s dying of AIDS. She was a hooker who killed one of her johns with her AIDS. She never told the guy what she had. To me, even though what she did was wrong, the guy kind of asked for it, being dumb enough to screw a hooker without protection. She’s been calm since we’ve been next to her, but she’s taken many screaming and banging fits herself.

It’s still freezing in here and I know that means the water will be, too. Although, last night they had the water off for a while, claiming they were working on pipes, but I don’t know if it was to fix the hot water. I never heard anyone working on anything, so it could’ve been because I grieved, but I don’t know. We’ll find out when we have our hour out.

Today the reality and finality of the fact that I won’t be getting out of here sooner really hit and sunk in. We did all we could do. Tom says it’s not right, not fair, but that’s why I’m here. Because life isn’t fair. If it were fair, the freeloaders would be the ones suffering and I’d be living my life. Something up there obviously wants me here and feels I deserve this shit.

Anyway, bad things have a way of happening to some of us who try to change the way things are, so I asked Tom to drop it. He tried to help me, I appreciate it, and now it’s time to accept reality, like it or not.

Nobody cares. Nobody. No one’s responded to any of his phone calls/letters. I knew they wouldn’t, too. And getting a PO in the area we live in won’t change a damn thing, either. Tom says getting a PO out of Maricopa will help because they’ll know and understand how remote we are. But they won’t care. They’ll still order us to move. Again, something wants me in the city! I’m just not going to be allowed to be a country girl. I asked Tom if he had any plans to get the house up for sale and he said now’s a horrible time for that what with the economy being so bad and the new president (George W. Bush). Well, what are we going to do if we’re forced to make a move we can’t even make?

A107

After dinner, Nottelmann moved the 3 of us downstairs on the very end under the stairs because of Rosa’s pregnancy. I like this cell better because it’s more private from the tower, and I’m thrilled to get away from that fucking crazy bunk-basher!

Loca’s not Ad-Seg because she went to court with other people.

I got so pissed at Loca last night for banging like she does as soon as she can’t get her way, and I got pissed at Tina too, and nearly beat the snot out of her. Thank God I didn’t, though, because I’d be riddled with guilt. As she said, she’s never hit me, no matter what I said to her, so I have no business hitting her, as long as she isn’t trying to harm me.

Anyway, she got on my ass for threatening Loca, as much as she drives her crazy too, and for calling the crazy bitch names as much as she hates blacks, too. The reason it set me off was that to me, it was one more person lecturing me and telling me what to do and how to be. After she got me calmed down, I realized she was only trying to help, explaining that name-calling is childish, and threats don’t help, either.

Tina suggested I try to get psych to close custody me and maybe mention it to Kara, but I just don’t see why they’d give a damn. All they’d do, I’d think, was offer me drugs. I just might take them in here, too!

Nottelmann said she thinks Alex is leaving on Christmas. That’d be great if Rosa and I could be in a 2-man cell till I leave! But I highly doubt that.

The pencil sharpener broke after getting 3 pencils sharpened, but at least I got some sharpened.

The shower was hot for me, but cold by the time Tina got in it. Then it warmed up again for the next girl out. As usual, Rosa didn’t shower.

Next is my fight for nail clippers. Although if I’m over in M soon, where there are no trustees to steal them, I may not have much of a fight.

Just to see what kind of a response I’d get, I put in a tank order about my retainers to the captain, like that night shift guy with retainers suggested. I’m sure, though, they’ll tell me I can’t have them.

God, I feel like a child with a million parents telling me what to do!

---

It’s about 9:15 now, from what I heard, and it’s freezing!

The crazy black bitch went off on a white girl who was out on her hour. This is one crazy mother-fucker!

Rosa and Tina are asleep. Tina normally crashes early, and Rosa’s tired because she had a long day in court. Good. Now I have the whole night to myself, in a sense. I’m going to read, exercise, listen to the radio and write, although I really don’t have much to write about.

Tom couldn’t look up info on Rosa yet, because he forgot her last name. Hopefully, he can tell me more next Tuesday.

He asked me if I thought I’d want him to open my Christmas gifts for me or wait till I come home and let me do it. I let him know he can tell me what I got. I’ll want to know about it if I got a doll. I’d want a picture of it, too.

Harry bit Tom badly. What is it with him clashing with rodents? He said he reached in to put food by Houdini, and Harry ran across the cage, grabbed his finger with his paws, and bit him! I had to laugh at him about it, of course.

“How cute,” Palma said when I gave her the Christmas card through the trap, then she asked why they moved us downstairs. I told her, and she thanked me for the card.

I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction! I was worried I’d offend her or that it wouldn’t be allowed, but what could she do anyway? Throw me in jail? I thought there was a slight chance, though, that she’d tell me it was inappropriate, she couldn’t accept it, never do that again, and so on and so forth. I’ll bet I’m the only one who made her a card, too. Most people hate Palma. She’s a real stricty.

Tina kind of likes me, but she’s harmless. No, she’s not my type. She may be over 30, but I don’t do druggies, and I don’t normally like blondes and light eyes, either. When Kim first told me that 90% of these inmates are gay or bi, I thought she was exaggerating, but there does seem to be an awful lot of them.

Right on again with the vibes – Rosa is pregnant. And she won’t do the right thing either and abort it, or at least give it up for adoption. She’s being selfish and cruel to that kid if you ask me, but I still love my buddy and I know it has to be her decision. But if she has that kid, that’s going to be one more person for her to have to miss and worry about, and imagine how that poor kid’s going to feel with its mother in jail or maybe even in prison for years and years!

Maybe Tina’s right when she guessed that maybe it was an accident due to neglect, so God’s blessed her with this kid, and she’s going to get out of here soon enough but I doubt it. Things don’t usually work out that well, and God’s not a very sympathetic God.

The craziest black bitch I ever met lives just a few doors down. It goes back and forth between screaming about the devil and singing in a voice that sounds more like it’s whining or even yelling at times.

The older lady next to us, who’s also Ad-Seg, seems to be as hyper as Melinda which would make me seem like I’m in a coma, but Tina said she seemed normal when they spoke. Yeah well, I don’t know if I’d trust Tina’s definition of the word normal.

I’m glad Rosa lent Tina her radio when she went on her legal visit. That way I can write without Tina’s non-stop mouth going.

I asked Tom yesterday, and he says I have no fines or restitution to pay. But how can he know for sure everything will be OK when I get out before talking to the PO? He said he’ll explain it to me when I get out. I can’t wait to hear this one!

I couldn’t even take a shower today because the water was so cold. I grieved the cold water and air temperature. I miss the boiling 110-degree days I used to bitch about. I’m sick of the never-ending cold in this fucking place. Jails are miserably freezing!

I hope Palma’s on tonight, but if not, she should be on tomorrow.

I heard the crazy black bitch shout really loud to someone about singing for hours because all the white inmates call her names or some shit like that. Then on her hour out, while I was listening to music, Tina said she was reciting my name and birth date from my ID card that’s in the door before running off to yell at other people. What? Is she going around getting the names of everyone who’s white? Why isn’t this loony tune in a funny farm?!

Tina made air freshener, or tried to, by mixing shampoo, water and bits of deodorant in an empty spray pump bottle.

---

Got a Chanukah card from Mom, Mary and Dave. It was nice and I wrote them back. I even sent Bob a letter just for the hell of it. I’m curious to see if I get a response. I wonder if he’s still alive. I think he’s due to get out in ‘06. He ain’t getting our PO Box address, though.

I’m still not sure what to make of Rosa, whose lawyer says she may have many years to do. I may not want my own kid like I did years ago, but the thought of a possible baby killer makes my blood boil. How can God allow it?! So many people are quick to be against abortion, yet they don’t realize just how much better off a lot of these kids would be if they didn’t exist. I wish I had been aborted, even though my parents had money and were never in jail.

It’s still hard for me to picture Rosa deliberately killing a kid. One thing’s for sure, though – it’s no myth when they say Hispanics are filthy and lazy. We have to coax her into doing her share of the sweeping and mopping, and she stinks because she goes days without showering. They really are filthy. They don’t like clean. Not clean things, not clean bodies, not clean anything.

Saw Tom today. True to my vibes, he still hasn’t heard anything from the PO or bar association. He still believes I’ll get an early kick-out, but I’m rapidly losing hope. “Is that pessimism or vibes?” he asked me.

“Logic,” I told him.

He says Mary says she sent me a letter. Hope I get it today.

He also said Houdini scared him by standing up, along with the hairs on his neck, as if to attack him when he was trying to get him to go home one night. He said he really thought he was going to get him good and he had to get the tube, put cheese in it, and bring him home in that.

He said all he’s heard around the house is one engine-gunning spree, but no music. That’s because I’m not there. Either way, that place could never get a fraction of the noise that’s in this place.

As much as I want out of here, if there’s anything better about this place than Valleyhead and Brattleboro, it’s that they don’t run you ragged from 7 AM to 10 PM and you can be up and about all night listening to music, writing, or reading. They also let you have a few visits a week here and order all the junk food you could possibly want. Also, I know when I’m getting out of here, but I never knew when I’d get out of the other places till shortly before I did.

So far, Officer Palma is the best-looking DO, Pérez is the friendliest, and Rule was the most helpful.

Believe it or not, I started to fall asleep after dinner and then jogged in place to 5 songs, but people yelling and Rosa’s crying woke me up. Rosa and I both had our homesick spells.

It’s amazing how I can sleep here. For the most part, anyway, and keep a schedule, even if it’s one I’m not used to.

Tina told me about an inmate who had her computer genius boyfriend change her release date. Wish Tom could do that for me! She got caught, though, and got 3 years for it. It’s impossible to destroy or alter all the records, anyway, because they keep stuff on paper too, and not just electronically.

Loca next door has switched from bunk-banging to begging. I’d rather her beg for food she’s not going to get, than bash the doors and walls on and off like she does.

Tina was a major sucker on our hour out, letting herself be used by all the beggars. I’d never be anyone’s slave like that! I’d tell them to take care of their own shit on their own timeout. I can see a favor here and a favor there, but there were 3 or 4 of them demanding half a dozen things.

Commissary came without any problems and Rosa got a lot of stuff too, including a radio. Since Christmas and New Year’s Day just have to fall on Mondays, commissary will be the following Wednesdays instead.

I made Palma a Christmas card. I drew a candy cane on the front and wrote: Merry Christmas. Inside on the left, I wrote: Hey Palma, you’re a good singer and a cool DO! On the right, in Spanish, I wrote: Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. Then I signed my name and wrote: Yes, I promise to behave.

As funny as it may sound, it’d really piss me off if I had gotten a 2 for 1. It’d be so frustrating knowing I could cut my time in half if only I could sleep and keep a schedule in the tents!

Unbeknownst to Tina, Rosa swiped a razor. We use it for our underarms only. I’m going to wait till I get out of here before I bother shaving my legs. I’d rather do that at home in a nice hot shower. Besides, no one sees my legs here, anyway.

Rosa showed me a couple of things. I was telling her I had no easy way of exercising my biceps in this place, and she showed me how she pushes with one arm against the other as you curl it upward. That gives you a little resistance.

She also showed me some nice designs for Palma’s card, since I didn’t really want to get into drawing. Not with these pencils and having no color. I did use Tina’s brown eyeliner pencil on parts of it, though. Tina never uses it. I guess some girl left it here. Also, the card is very small. I used the bottom half of the plain white paper my deposit info was on to make it.

I jogged in place with my radio clipped to me to half a dozen songs or so to burn all these extra calories. I’m beginning to doubt I’ll lose any more weight. Not with this weekly commissary.

When I looked at my calendar and saw how many days were crossed off, as opposed to those that weren’t, I burst out crying. It was so depressing. I’ve done barely a quarter of my time and I know I’m not getting out sooner. It’s just a feeling I have. No one gives a shit that I was fucked over by fucked up people within a fucked up system.

Another day of Rosa not shedding one tear for her dead baby. I love Rosa; she’s been a great friend, making me smile and laugh throughout the night, but there are a couple of things that say she could be guilty. One is her lack of sadness, and two is that she thinks she’s pregnant. If she is guilty of more than neglect, then she probably is pregnant because that’s totally something God would do – watch a woman kill her child, then reward her with another one. God dumps kids on murderers all the time. So knowing they have kids like rabbits, and seeing her only cry a few times, leads me to believe there’s a possibility she could be guilty, though I still doubt it. The times she’s cried were over visits when most of us cry anyway, including myself, because we miss our loved ones and our homes. Who knows, though? Maybe it was neglect or maybe the husband’s the guilty one. Or maybe it’s just a case of denial or maybe she feels crying will only make it worse and harder to deal with.

Fucking Misery’s on today. Everyone hates Misery. She’s as by-the-book as Palma and worse. They call her Misery because she not only brings misery to those she encounters but also because of her resemblance to this character in the Stephen King movie Misery.

First I was woken up for breakfast, then our hour out which none of us wanted because it was barely 7 AM, then again when Misery came in to check the light and window. Then she tells us to take our pictures off the walls. I took my pictures down, but I intend to put them back up later.

At 35 years of age, I’m sick and fucking tired of being told what to do! My life is nothing but what everyone else but myself says I have to do or have to go or have to be. I even have to wear the clothes they say I have to wear, and I’m just so fucking fed up with being treated like a child! My life is never going to belong to me.

Fucking freeloaders, Paul, judge and pigs!!!

Palma’s on again tonight. That’s 3 nights this week!

---

It’s around 8:00 now and Tina’s gone to bed.

Palma was in a good mood, singing Christmas songs. In Spanish, I told her to sing Felíz Navidad, but she misunderstood me and thought I was wishing her a merry Christmas. “Gracías,” she said.

So on her next walk, I asked in English if she knew the song and would sing it, but she said (with a friendly smile) she didn’t know it. It was nice to see this serious gruff loosen up for a change. She opened the door, rather than the trap, when the trustee was serving dinner so I could get a better look at her.

Tina says Palma’s all masculine, but I disagree. Yes, she’s somewhat masculine, but to me, she’s feminine, too. Her hair’s feminine and she has gorgeous eyes. Nice smile, too. Only her nose isn’t very nice and she doesn’t have a great body either, although it’s really hard to see through her uniform. I don’t care so much about bodies as I do faces. I’m a face person because that’s what you see most of the time. I also don’t like ultra-feminine as much as I used to. I guess we lipstick lesbians, such as I’d be considered to be, really do prefer the bigger, stronger more masculine types that they can feel protected by.

Last night Rosa and I were playing this game where we’d put names to various globs of toothpaste under the upper bunks, depending on their shape.

If her commissary order goes through without any problems, she’ll have a radio tomorrow night. I hope she won’t always be singing to it when she gets hyped up (it’s bad enough dealing with her BO and bad breath)! Unlike most people, though, she’s usually pretty respectful when I’m trying to read or write.

I made a $23 order. I better get it, too!

In the afternoons, I can usually tell what time it is by where the slat of sunlight is on the wall. Someone apparently wrote the times in the different places the light hits, but of course, the angle will change with the seasons.

Just had my typical mid-cycle bleeding which goes on for a few hours. I’ll get another gush in about a week, the week before my period. My tits still get sore before periods, even without caffeine.

The black bitches were at each other’s throats again earlier. Screaming and threatening one another from their cells.

I went right along with the bitches, though, in yelling at Crazy next door when she was out on her hour. We brought her to tears, but I have no pity for her what with the way she behaves. Maybe she’ll learn something from this. In fact, she hasn’t gone bunk-banging at all today. It’s lessened since she got her meds, but as soon as she can’t get her way, the banging starts.

I flipped Misery off when she was in the tower. I’m pretty sure she saw me, but I don’t care either way. I’m sick of being told what to do. She never wrote me up, though. I guess sometimes they find it easier to ignore you and pretend they didn’t see or hear you do something you’re not supposed to do. It saves them a lot of paperwork.

Rosa and I both cried earlier. I hadn’t cried much since I last saw Tom, and I was laying on my bed crying for a while before Rosa realized I was crying, and hugged me, then began crying too, telling me to try not to be so sad so it doesn’t make me sick.

I’m just sooo homesick for Tom, the animals, the house, etc. Those freeloaders really stole my life, and my body, too. Because of them, I can’t cut my nails, take a shower when I want, etc. They own my whole life and my body, too. They robbed me of my husband, pets and home, and stole any control I may have had over my own body, too. This is one of those things we assume only happens to others. Only other people get framed, but never us!

I FUCKING HATE these sickos!!!!!!!!!!