I’m both pissed and frustrated now. I spent the last 3 months slaving my ass off, and in 3 months I lose nothing but a lousy 6 pounds, which I’ve just put half of back on due to being stuck for a few days. Why can’t I just fucking be regular?! It’s no wonder I can’t lose weight and I’m so sick of trying! I don’t know why I bother striving for things that aren’t meant to be. I’m sick of these long-term problems. Can’t I ever have problems that are solved within a few days, weeks, or even months, instead of years or never? I’m sick of working so hard for so little, just to end up losing most, if not all, of what little I worked so hard to achieve. I wouldn’t have minded doing the work to lose weight, but it’s really discouraging to see that all my hard work has been for so little. Whenever I work hard and do the right things to obtain something, it seems I get so little, or nothing at all out of it. It took me 3 months to get from 125 pounds to 118 pounds, and now that I’m back to 122 pounds, it’d take me a month and a half to get back to 118 pounds, and no way! I’m not doing the work. It’s just too hard. I’m sick of busting my ass like this, and why bother losing weight that I’ll just gain back anyway? It took me 3 measly days to put the weight back on which took me months to lose – fuck! All I can do is keep working out to keep the muscle taught that’s embedded way under the outer layer of fat I’ll never shed. It’s easy for me to tell myself to just starve the damn weight off, but then what do I do after I start eating again? Gain it back. No thanks. I’ll just keep it and learn to live with it and accept it.

Anyway, it hasn’t been cloudy and stormy lately. I just hope I get my schedule flipped around before they start booming again and the storms do, too. The p-dogs stood underground for days after the last series of storms we had.

Tom got shades today for the den and bedroom which he put up behind the blinds. The bedroom ones are room-darkening and they’ll be great for daytime and moonlight sleeping. The den ones are translucent, so they let light in, but they help cut down on the glare on the TV that’s across from the windows, and they help make it cooler.

It’s nice to know that the lying, abusive hypocrites back east could’ve gotten their mail today, although it’s more likely they’ll get it tomorrow and even more likely for them to get it Wednesday.

Tom had the blood work and chest x-ray done as scheduled, but not the stress test. Guess they weren’t set up and prepared for that, so they’re gonna do it some other time. I asked why they were so irresponsible as to not be ready to do the test, and he said because the doctor felt his heart was OK, and because it’s a special test, they don’t do it too often. He said the person that does the test may not have even been there. At least he got the blood work and x-ray done. So far, it looks like everything’s gonna come up negative and that I was worried for nothing. I’m more and more convinced it’s psychological. I think his subconscious, or even his conscience, is making him not feel well so he can delay picking up the trash outside, something I know he doesn’t want to do (cuz then he can’t impress the neighbors), and to get out of sex. If he doesn’t want to have sex, all he has to do is say so and it’s a done deal. If the issue’s still my not being on birth control - I’d discuss that with him too, but he’s just too stubborn to admit his fears and discuss it with me. He didn’t have to live in fear all these years, and why the fuck he ever let himself cum the 20 or so times he did in the first place beats me. I also think this is an excuse to trash his office. He seemed to have started having these problems right after he bullshitted me about cleaning his office himself.

I decided to see what wallpaper was available online since it’d been a while since I’d hunted for any and I found this awesome site! They had tons of pictures and I downloaded about 70.