Woke up a bit tired today. I’m sure I’ll be more tired each day through Monday. Probably even past that, cuz they’ll no doubt make me see Don and Helen next week too, so no sleeping in for me for what’ll no doubt be months.

It’s been pretty stormy for the last few days, but it looks like it may finally clear up now. Yesterday it rained like hell. No thunder and lightning, just lots of rain in patches. Instead of the hard rains monsoons normally bring, it rained fairly light off and on and for longer periods of time, although there were a few times when it was really coming down. When I got up today, I couldn’t see any of the surrounding mountains. They were all fogged out. The sun’s just now starting to burn away the clouds, but it’s still down to 60 degrees.

After doing so well, I’ve been stuck since Friday, thanks to the stress over the freeloaders. They even own my shit system and dictate when I can shit!

Helen’s office called yesterday saying Helen had to cancel our Saturday appointment, so I’m going in to waste another of our much-needed $25 tonight at 6:00. If she’s more than a few minutes late again, I’m gonna have to really stress to her that she needs to be punctual or I’m gonna have to see someone else. I’d have preferred to meet this Saturday, cuz it’d be closer to Monday than today is, but oh well.

Speaking of $25, I won $25 on a scratch ticket yesterday, plus two more bucks on another! I’ve never won that much before on a scratch ticket! He hasn’t either.

One of my biggest concerns going to court, even bigger than my concern of jail, is the money they’re gonna suck out of us. They’re gonna milk us dry! I know they will! And just how much of the hundreds of dollars are gonna end up in the freeloaders’ pockets, further humiliating me and damaging me emotionally? I’m already scarred for life cuz of these sick fucks, but have I asked God for help? Of course not! Why would I ask the very being who set all this shit up in the first place for help? He wanted these people to fuck with me, so no amount of begging and pleading would get him to call them off. He’s the one that had to sic them on me in the first place, so you think he gives a damn about how I’m feeling? Ha! He knowingly and intentionally made sure all this would happen. Why I don’t know. The only reasons I can think of are that he did it because I got away with shit in the past and because he just plain old doesn’t like me. He simply wants to punish me and he’s using them as a weapon to get at me. Another reason is that in his eyes, I rebelled against what he wanted for me. He wanted me to have noisy neighbors and I tried to fight it. Well, this is what I get for trying to get out of it, obviously.

I cannot begin to express the emotional damage jail would do to me, if that’s where I ended up. If I think I’m emotionally damaged enough as it is, I doubt I could ever recover from being sent to jail. I’m not gonna even recover from this! If I picked on innocent people - picked on them with way more than just words on paper or an answering machine - that’d be different. But these are people that provoked me for no reason at all and I spoke out about it. I simply gave them a piece of my mind. Going to jail would be literally taking my life. I wouldn’t be able to rock when I got out, since sitting in that position takes regularity. I’d be a stranger to Houdini, my muscle tone would be gone, and I’d no doubt be unable to have sex again - there’s no end to what it’d do to me. I don’t think, this time around, I could just kiss ass and turn the other cheek, if I got sent to jail. I don’t think I could just “take it.” I really think I’d need to hunt their asses down and literally kill them. I’ve been itching with the desire to kill them for years now, so imagine how that’d escalate if I ended up jailed any more than I already have been for these fucking freeloaders.

How can God be so mean? How can he be so damn cruel and insensitive as to let these people harass and victimize me for years and make me pay for it all because I sent a letter and made a phone call about it?! Does he really not have one ounce of sympathy and mercy for me? Did he feel my life was too empty and boring that he had to go and sic these freeloaders on me? What? Did he feel that since a kid would be too much for me to handle, and since I’m not in a position to work or have a career of any kind, I should at least be victimized by people who should’ve been a part of my past as of April 4th, 1999? These freeloaders will never be a part of my past. Never! And I don’t see how I can ever heal or get over what they’ve done to me. I can’t just “walk away,” can’t just “ignore them” and their effects on me.

Meanwhile, I expect to hear from Paul and Don this week for sure.

Oh, and also – Tom said that at this point, the Paul’s out of it and it’s up to the judge and the probation department from here on out. I don’t know about that, but if he’s right, it’s not very consoling to know that two people who don’t even know me from a hole in the wall are going to sit in judgment of me. Even I’d think I looked back with the case presented as it is, never knowing, witnessing, and living through what they put me through, and never knowing me. They don’t know a damn thing about me.

It still bothers me that I quit smoking, I go to Helen for him, yet what personal changes is gonna make for me? When does he do something so he can cum at least every other time? Again, I know I’m sterile, and I know that he could cum every day and not impregnate me, but I want to see it played out anyhow. It’s just not fair. I make all kinds of personal changes, more for him than for me, yet he won’t lift a finger to change one simple little thing for me, and if he does, it’s only short-term and then he quits. He gives up on everything. I wasn’t asking him to cum for the rest of his life, either. Just for a few consistent months. That’s it. So, to know that’s too much to ask of my own husband is both humiliating and insulting. It really is.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist wasn’t any more fun than I thought it’d be. Those bottom front teeth sure were sensitive! They stung like hell while he worked on them. The top retainer was OK, but the bottom needed tightening. Just like the last time, Anne assisted the doctor, but I did see Melanie along the way. We said hi and bye to each other as I came and went. My next appointment is for a cleaning and check-up on 12/21.

Now why can’t most blacks be like Anne? Dear, sweet, smart, friendly black Anne?

After the dentist, which fortunately didn’t make me shaky and dizzy this time around, we went to the mall. They’re gonna up my ring from a 4½ to a 5½ by cutting it and adding a plain piece of gold. It’ll cost $25 and will be ready on court day. Then, if I ever miraculously lose weight, I can either put tape or something on the underside of the ring or I can get the extension removed.

After leaving the mall and passing by many different kinds of stores I wished I could shop in, we went to a scummy, Mexican grocery store. It was the only convenient one on the way.

Once back in Maricopa, we stopped at Circle K for the bingo scratch tickets and our usual treats.