Here we are, back in the land of the living after being on death row for 11 days, and probably closer to death than ever before in our lives. Of all the things we thought of that could go wrong upon coming here, we missed one. I would’ve liked to have documented the nightmare as it unfolded, but it was either not convenient to do so or I was just too distraught. This has got to be my biggest gap in entries in years! It’s been 15 days. We were granted a reprieve on the 15th, Mary’s 30th birthday, and since then I’ve been recuperating, gaining back my strength and sanity, as well as catching up on sweeps. They did go broadband, after all, so now I can do the dailies and Netwinner normally. My OLS membership expired on the 2nd and I decided to renew it last night since they’ve really improved the connection here.

I will try to remember all the things we did, felt, and thought during the hell we went through as best I can. The real hell didn’t begin till Saturday the 6th. I know I wrote that I dreamt the money wasn’t there on the 4th, my 10-year quit-smoking anniversary, even though I didn’t know why. Also, I sent Tom a text message about it, even though it did no good. Yeah, that’s the sucky part of being psychic. Just because some of us can see bad things coming doesn’t mean we can do anything to stop them. I really had trouble sleeping there for a while too, even when it was quiet. Not just because of the killer stress, but because I was afraid of what I might dream. Tom handled things well, but I was a basket case all the way, filled with fear, sadness, anger and stress. It was unbelievable! I had the runs 3 times a day, my ear was killing me, and it felt like a cement paver was sitting on my chest. The stress took its toll on me more so than the lack of food did. It really made those little things I’d complain about seem like no big deal, and those “big” things like the door slamming, the microwave’s carousel not working, the refrigerator leaking (although they fixed that) became such little nuisances I longed to have back as my worst problems, along with the waiting game, not knowing how long it’d take to get into a place.

These types of ordeals really make you see things differently and want to change some of your ways for the better and trust me, it was a life-changing experience! We can never know for sure, but I have my theories as to why it all happened. Yes, I’ve learned a lot from this horrible experience, like how important it is to scatter your money, get receipts, spend less and save more (I swear I’m going to be as obsessed with saving as I was with shopping), and never ever cuss out God no matter how pissed you get at your situation and no matter how unfair and cruel it may seem!!! I think this may be a big part of why we were so cursed, but like I said, we can never know for sure. After all, innocent children fall under even more serious curses, yet what did they supposedly ever do to deserve it? Tom thinks the queen started having health problems cuz she got pissed at God when Dad died, but who knows? It could’ve been just age and stress. It could’ve also been that someone she pissed off had a nasty influence on her as well.

We were scheduled to check out on Saturday the 6th. With not much more than a few bucks to our names, we went to the mail place pretty sure that the new card would be there. But it wasn’t. So now we were officially homeless and my worst fears had now come true, even though our stuff was safely locked away in storage (thank God this didn’t happen on the 1st!) and he had a job. What made it even scarier was knowing that the following Monday, the 8th, was a holiday! And it would’ve been unbearably terrifying had Tom let me in on a little secret. Normally I’d want to strangle him for holding back, but he did the right thing in this case. You see, had he told me that he was told that the card wouldn’t be coming till between the 10th and 15th, which usually means the last day they give you, it would’ve pretty much stamped out any remaining hesitations I had about suicide. I didn’t think we were going to have a choice for a while there anyway. Meaning, I thought we were dead for sure either way. I thought that even if we wanted to live, there would be no way we could and that we’d eventually starve off and die. So in the beginning I thought it may be better to get it over with in the 2-3 minutes to 2-3 hours they say it takes to die from carbon monoxide in the way we were planning to kill ourselves with it, rather than slowly die in the streets of hunger, nerves and exhaustion. I’ve had my share of nightmares before and as rough as they were, my survival wasn’t so on the line like it was this time around. That “trigger-happy psycho” wasn’t just teasing us with just a close call. There really, really appeared to be no way out at first! Even jail was easier than this because I knew there was an end to it sooner or later.

So anyway, the new card had been sent to Oregon, then returned because they don’t forward 1st class mail. The screw-ups at Wired Plastic, which is the company the card was from, didn’t even have the decency to call and ask why it was returned. It was so frustrating knowing that the money was there, we just couldn’t access it! To make matters worse, they were paying Tom via direct deposit at work and the equally screwed up idiots at the temp agency said they couldn’t stop the next check from being directly deposited and cut him a check unless the card was canceled altogether. But we couldn’t cancel a card we didn’t have!

The only thing that came Saturday was a pair of running shoes I won, but I was too freaked out to pay much attention to them. When the card didn’t come that day and we were out of money, food and a place to stay, I wished like never before that Jessie or Paula were local so I could beg for a piece of their living room floor in exchange for me cooking, cleaning, babysitting, and Tom fixing whatever needed fixing. But all those who gave a damn about us were either far away or in jail, and we were on our own. There were no little corners of anyone’s living room floor to run to.

The plan was to find a place secluded enough to kill ourselves in the back of the truck that night, but we never could find such a place. No one would notice the coals glowing, but the way they flare up initially certainly would’ve drawn unwanted attention and intervention.

Unsure of when we’d be able to kill ourselves, we first stopped at storage to pick up things we thought we could sell and to dump off things that were useless and in our way. Remember, this truck is very small. As I stood there looking at our stuff, it pissed me off to think that someone would get what cost us thousands for just $87 once we were dead and the stuff was auctioned off. I had the urge to start smashing things, figuring I’d make our deaths less profitable if I could help it, but never bothered to.

Next we set out to sell some of those “worthless” wins I’ll never again call worthless. He’d already pawned the GPS, so we had to do our best to find places to sell stuff. We ended up selling between 30-50 CDs and DVDs for an amazing $76! Thank God Tom went in and asked if they’d take them first because that’s when he saw the sign that said: All CDs and DVDs must be used, and no, you cannot go outside and remove the shrinkwrap!

While we waited for them to go through the stuff, we hopped across the street so I could use the bathroom at a convenience store, my anger towards God growing by the minute as Tom struggled to keep his sandals from falling apart, something I didn’t think he deserved to be doing at his age and with how hard he works. Some employees had smocks and coats hanging in the corner of the bathroom. I checked the pockets but didn’t find anything good other than a knife used for cutting boxes open.

Despite being worried about how we were going to make it until the card came, I was glad to be out of the motel and free of the door slamming and things like that. Besides, I figured it would be too hard for me to return, knowing that I’d only be paranoid about getting thrown on the streets again. Yet as I would learn, it’s amazing how you can miss the very things you’d been hoping to escape, and in just a few hours, too!

We stopped for some fast food, then tried to home in on free WiFi internet access somewhere, but were unable to do so. We wanted to find a Walmart that allows RVs to park in their parking lot, but as I reminded Tom, this wasn’t jail. Meaning that the security trucks weren’t going to shine their lights in people’s vehicles looking for anyone who might be sleeping in them. Still, we knew we had to worry more about them kicking us out than we did about anyone harming us. I was too furious for anyone to do much damage to us anyway!

We first wasted time and gas checking out a rest stop over towards Reno that was almost as high in elevation as Klamath. It felt like we were back there all over again. The sun hadn’t fully set by the time we got up there yet it was already freezing. We knew that if it could be in the 40s at that time, it was certainly going to be beyond freezing in the morning!

So we left “Oregon” and headed for the casino, figuring there’d be too much activity around for us to really stand out in any way. First, though, we used some of the money we made selling stuff to get some food and gas, and of course there seemed to suddenly be mattress stores on every block! Once we got to the far end of the casino’s parking lot, we moved some stuff into the cab and tried to make the back as comfortable as possible. Although it had been warm in the afternoon, it was now pretty chilly. It wasn’t too bad with me sandwiched between the comforter, but it wasn’t exactly toasty either, and we still had a lot of shit back there in the way. So we lay huddled together, listening to the trains and people passing by. One couple looked towards the back of the truck at one point but didn’t appear to notice us.

Tom was afraid to fall asleep and start snoring, so he went inside the casino and played a penny machine for a buck, so he wouldn’t stand out in any odd way. He also wanted me to have a chance to get some rest, but I was way too wound up to do so. As I lay there cramped in that small, old, uncomfortable, miserable truck, I mentally cussed God out like never before. I hated Him so intensely and was literally shaking with rage. I didn’t understand why we were being singled out and picked on like we were. We were just two people who only wanted a modest home that was at least relatively peaceful, but even that was too much to ask for. I even wondered if we were being punished for not settling for an apartment, since I’ve always believed that’s where God wants me, with plenty of people and chaos, yet we tried to settle for that upon moving down here and it didn’t do us any good.

As much as I knew it wouldn’t do us any good, I started beating myself up for not staying in Phoenix and just dealing with their shit next door. We would’ve been miserable with all the chaos, and I never cared for that house itself, but it would’ve been the safer misery, considering that the house would’ve been all paid for years ago.

Unable to get comfortable with the floor of the truck being so rippled, I went into the casino. It was smoky, but warmer in there. I couldn’t find Tom right away, so I had him paged. Together we went into the same restaurant we ate in the last time we were there and got coffee and water for me and soda for him.

At one point we got to talking to our waitress, Dee, about our situation. She offered us some hot soup at her cost, but we declined, as nice as it was of her to offer. She suggested we check out KOA (Kampgrounds of America), saying that they did have showers and that it was free as long as you didn’t have an RV or a camper.

Afterward, Tom said he doubted it was free. He and his family camped for many summers when he was a kid, and he said they’d always avoid KOAs because they were more expensive. The research we finally did later on proved him right, too. Even with just a regular vehicle, we couldn’t have gotten anything cheaper than $30 a day. The state campground charges $15 a day, and we may check into this more. We’re not sure yet at this time just what we’re going to do. It’s one of those catch-22s. Yes, it would be cheaper to camp out, but we’d have to invest in some camping gear, and we’d both be put out big time. The biggest problem would be not being able to go online. I could give Jessie my username and password to check for win notices, but we wouldn’t be able to sell things on eBay, and we’d be put out in lots of other ways, too. So campgrounds are up in the air right now. I do know one thing, though, cheaper or not, I hate camping!

The truck itself was something I came to have mixed emotions for. I hate the heap of shit, but there’s certainly no way we could’ve done anything without it! You really do need a vehicle to get around a place this big. Without it, there’d be no way to sell things, for him to get to work or a place for us to stay when we couldn’t stay here.