“Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier. 

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.” 

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time. 

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though. 

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy. 

*wipes tears of frustration from eyes* I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason. 

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine. 

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!

Unless she didn’t get my message, my endo doc has completely blown me off. Also, I’m now starting to think, no matter what my PCP doc and Tom think, that levothyroxine is responsible for the anxiety attacks and racing heart. Sure I’ve had some anxiety. Who wouldn’t that felt like shit? But THIS degree of anxiety when things are going well? It’s just not like me. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on in my life right now that goes beyond the normal everyday ups and downs. 

Yesterday the raciness and anxiety came and went in waves. I finally had to take a chill pill at the end of my day. I slept a whopping 10 hours and did NOT want to get up and face another day of feeling like shit. Then an idea hit me. Food blocks the absorption of the levothyroxine and that’s why we’re told to wait a half-hour, or even an hour before we eat or have coffee. I took the pill and then had a smoothie and my coffee right away, and… nothing. All has been just fine and that was 3 hours ago. Each day I will wait 5 minutes longer before I have my coffee and we’ll see what happens. 

It’s kind of sad that I have to be the one to diagnose myself and it’s also a reminder that most doctors don’t seem to know what they’re doing, but I really, really suspect one of my medications is doing this to me. Not some sudden kick-ass “anxiety trip” when life is going well. 

At least Tom and I got to spend a week in Waikiki in my dreams last night! My dentist was in one of the dreams too, but I’m not sure what it was about. The night before last I had this dream I had to move a long strip of carpet that was wet on the ends. I don’t know where I was moving it to or how I could’ve possibly carried it. The thing was about 10’ wide and 100’ long. 

Later… 

I’m still not sure just what Aly wants. She speaks of missing me in her blog and how she doesn’t comment on mine because that’d be totally unwanted, yet she hasn’t responded to my feedback on my-diary. I guess it’s still probably for the better that I stay away from her and the trolls. I mean, I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk, but it’s looking like she’d rather not so I’m not going to reach out to her any more than I already have. 

Years ago I may’ve written about the pictures. Not the pretty pics I collect these days of nature and animals that I plaster throughout various blogs and other accounts of mine, but the celebrity pics. As in Charlie’s Angels, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan. 

For years I tried to convince myself that my ability to communicate to them and for the pictures to be able to see, hear and understand me was just my crazy mind high on wishful thinking. But I never really believed that. We can’t exactly lie to ourselves. We can lie to and fool others, but the one person that’s hard as hell to deceive is ourselves. At least I totally believe that. 

But it wasn’t them. The entity or ghost or being or whatever you want to call it that “dwelled” in Kate’s pic was not Kate herself. Kate’s pic was just the host. Just the pretty packaging that housed a spirit of God knows what kind. I don’t know the hows and whys, I just know the whats, if that makes any sense. Someone or something “took over” those photos. Something with a full-blown sense of awareness. It couldn’t physically reach out and touch me like Tom can reach out and touch me. I couldn’t hear its voice like I can hear his voice. I never saw any movement within the pictures; they didn’t blink their eyes or anything like that. I never smelled anything unusual, nor did I feel anything. Meaning that when I touched the pictures they felt like what they should feel like – paper. 

To this day I really, really find it hard to believe that I simply “brought these pictures to life” and simply imagined an existence within just for fun or because of the hardships I endured as a kid. The people in the pictures were always making eye contact with the camera, and I can’t imagine being able to do this with just any picture, especially someone I know. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s like with my other psychic abilities or whatever you want to call them; an acute sense of knowing. I just knew they were aware of me and what I was saying and doing. 

But how??? Was it some kind of power coming from me? Something else? They were “unique,” too. Meaning that each one was their own person/personality/identity, but if I got a copy of the same picture later on, it would be like “meeting” a stranger. They wouldn’t have the same memories as the other copy. I know it sounds totally ludicrous, but that’s the way it worked. 

I don’t know what the hell the presence was that dwelled within the images, but whatever it was so strong I could kind of sense it even if I’d take the pictures down (I usually had them taped on the wall). 

Eight years or so after getting the first of the pictures, I wanted more privacy, so to speak, as I got older, and ditched them all. The first round of pics only contained those of Kate and Linda since Gloria wasn’t famous yet. 

About 4 or 5 years later in my early to mid-20s, I had pictures again, mostly Gloria’s. My mom was the one who ended that collection. Most of it anyway. Dad drove most of my stuff down to their place in Florida to be shipped to me in Arizona and those never arrived. I was surprised either. 

So until I kick this anxiety, regardless of what’s causing it, I printed out an old Gloria pic that was one of my faves so I feel less alone when Tom’s not home. Has it helped? Yeah, I think it has. But we only “talk” when he’s not home. No, it’s not that Tom would freak out and drag me to the local funny farm. It’s just that when he’s here he’s all I need. I mean, I could talk to the rats, but they don’t know what I’m saying. Whatever’s “powering” this photo with knowledge and awareness does.

Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn't always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest. 

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it's her mistake to make, isn’t it? 

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?” 

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in. 

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me. 

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine. 

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense. 

I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another. 

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out. 

*sighs* So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere. 

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. *sighs again* So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down. 

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows. 

Later… 

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam. 

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don't want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I'm PMSing now, which doesn't help my mood. What's scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual. 

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don't, every horrible "what if" will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that. 

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her. 

Right now I'm worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.

Two days ago was a great day, but yesterday I had intermittent spells of a racy heart and finally caved in and took a lorazepam. It made me a bit drowsy but I felt better. The whole thing really sucks shit big time. I never know when it's going to hit. Not sure if I should continue on with it as needed, see about something you take daily (after what happened with the Navane, I don't want to get addicted and be no better than one who turns to drugs and alcohol) or see the therapist again. I don't want to have to spend money on doctors and therapists that could be going to other things - things we want, things we need, savings... 

But then I got up today and an hour later my heart raced up to 125. The only good thing is that it didn’t last long this time before it quickly dropped to 99. Still, I decided a second opinion was in order. A PCP doctor is one thing, but a specialist is another. So I emailed my endo doc, told her I have a racy heart on and off and an upset stomach, and asked if my dose should be lowered or not. I also told her that my PCP suspected it could be anxiety. 

I don't doubt that there may be some anxiety hanging over me, but I can tell you one thing for sure – no amount of weight loss is worth this yucky feeling. I feel just great right now, but how will I feel in an hour from now? Or in 5 hours from now? How about tomorrow? That’s what’s making it tough to live with; the never knowing. Tom thinks I’m just super hyperaware right now and that there’s something going on in my head that’s triggering these attacks. But WHAT??? 

He doesn’t know for sure but thinks that maybe my subconscious is still afraid of pills after the OD, or maybe our 1-year anniversary here triggered it. Well, I definitely feared something would hit me with a slew of health issues once we got in here and were better off financially. He wonders if maybe I was stressed out in the back of my mind since the few good neighbors we’ve had seem to move or go bad within a year. But they haven’t, as I told Tom, and he said, “IDK, maybe your mind manifested something bad happening anyway. You have this thing with anniversaries.” 

The 25th marked 7 years in Cali and nothing bad happened that day, though, I told him, and he laughed and said, “Well, every day is an anniversary of something.” 

True. Today marks the 33rd anniversary of my 5-month stay at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. I was just 15 years old and my mother was about the age I am now when she one day up and threw me away because the “experts” said it’d be great for me. Yeah, well, Brattleboro wasn’t as bad as Valleyhead, but it was plenty bad enough. They doped me up and made me feel like a real prisoner. Being myself was a definite no-no no matter how harmless it may’ve been, and in the event that I did self-harm, it was because the adults in my world were crazier than I was and they drove me to it! As even Dana said, “Sometimes one of the scariest things to growing up is realizing you were ok after all and it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy.” 

For now, I love that I can email my doctors at any time of night and day and know that I'll get an answer in 24 hours or less. No having to stay up or get up to make a phone call to a nurse who has to patch the message through and then get back to me. I will base my next decision on what she has to say. If she too, says it’s not the pills, then I guess it’s back to Dana unless I can learn to manage when my heart goes boom, boom, boom on my own.

Aly ignored my question about what she was looking for in my journal but didn’t visit it today. If it was her, and I think it was. She also ignored the earlier question I asked, asking if she preferred Windows or Mac, and what her favorite browser is. Amazing that she just magically knew it was me. But how could she hack Ask and remain undetected? Or MyOpera back when I was playing with Molly? She’s gotta have an advanced way of tracking people I don’t know about. I asked a little test question; if she preferred chocolate or caramel, so we’ll see. 

Found Aly and Molly’s diaries on MD. I couldn’t help but laugh at how Aly said she liked the anonymity she has there. Little does she know! But I’ll let her keep thinking she’s anonymous, so she can “really be honest about how she feels.” There’s no real need to tell her anyway, but you know what? I’m starting to see more of the trolls in her than I used to see. Enough is never enough. It’s like she’s never satisfied with the amount of attention she gets no matter how willing one is to give it to her. But as I also learned, she likes to feel needed (is in by people like Kim and Molly). Was that it? Was I not as appealing as a friend not so much because I wasn’t as crazy, but because I wasn’t needy? 

She also brought up, without mentioning my name, how I said she must have low self-esteem to want to buddy up to the likes of Kim and Molly, and wondered if there could be a grain of truth to that. She said it’s not like they’re doing anything illegal, they’re just mentally challenged. Stalking us like they have in the past isn’t illegal? Well, it is, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t recognize this in the way they do when people stalk people in person by peeking in their windows and following them around town and things like that. 

She hinted at missing me since she feels most people won’t want to read her blog wherever she blogs. A part of me misses her too, but there’s just no trust there anymore. 

Later… 

Yesterday marks 7 years in California and just over a decade since we left Arizona. Leaving Arizona was definitely the right thing to do, but I’m not sure California was such a wise idea mostly due to how expensive it is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said Tom made great money, but it really is rather average for this state. It is more important to us to be able to pay for the necessities than it is to save, especially after all we’ve been through. Saving is still nice, though. It’s just not as easy in this place because now we have a mortgage and car payments on top of the space rent. Once that’s paid off our expenses will then be lower than what they were in the trailer. Kind of. We do have to pay for our own electricity here. 

There’s a house going for 161k in another section of the park. I guess the economy really is picking up. I just wish we could magically make all our plants and trees disappear and be replaced with white gravel or something. There are just way too many plants and trees for such a small lot. But we don’t have that kind of money (it would probably cost more than our carpet) and it’s not a high priority. 

Right now we STILL have to finish the painting and get a living room set. I’d also like to do something about the kitchen’s drop ceiling. It looks hideous. I don’t know yet, though, if we’re going to replace it with acoustic tiles with recessed lighting, or just replace the flimsy opaque panels. 

Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of my heartbeat yesterday and in a fine mood. I felt the most like my old self. I ended up being up for 19 hours and considered taking lorazepam, but then I finally fell asleep. I slept fairly solid for 7 hours. The first few hours of my day, however, I felt jittery, anxious, iffy stomach-wise, and a touch tired and depressed. Now I’m fine, though, and my heartbeat is under 100 where I prefer it to be unless I’m working out. I don’t know why, but there’s something scary about a racing heart. It’s not like when my earaches. When my ear aches there’s nothing scary about it. It’s annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable, but it’s not at all scary. When that ticker starts taking off on a run, though, it’s just the yuckiest feeling. Not as bad as feeling like you’re going to puke, but still bad. I can’t believe things got so bad for a while there that I didn’t want to be left alone that day. What was I the last time I was afraid to be alone, 12 years old? 

So much for quitting coffee. I got some instant Suisse Mocha for when I get up. It’s so-so. 

Just noticed I had a Harlingen visitor on Blogger around the same time I had one on Prosebox. The fact that they’re not showing up on TIP proves it’s from Molly’s residence, probably her mother since she appeared to be in Austin at the time, according to her blog. *sighs* So she’s STILL looking in on me, too? She was only in for a second as she was no doubt bounced out by the blocker, but how did she find my Prosebox account? Did Aly give her the link? It’s hard to believe she’d give her the link and not Molly. If Molly knew about it, though, wouldn’t she go there like she goes to every other blog she’s aware of? 

Molly did mention going home in August. Mommy Dearest went through a handful of entries much like Molly would, which is part of why I thought it was her, spending less than a minute on most posts. She was obviously searching for something, no doubt her darling daughter’s name.

Tom and I were laughing after I saw my primary care doc because I’m still not used to having a metabolism that actually works. When I got up I saw I was up a pound and figured it’d register on their scale when they weighed me. I don’t eat much my first couple of hours so I went straight to the appointment with nothing but coffee in me. To my surprise, I was back down a pound. I forget that these days if I don’t eat for a few hours, my body will really lose weight and not hold onto it forever, LOL. 

The weekend’s almost here, though, and it’s going anywhere but down because I intend to enjoy all kinds of treats. :) Because I’m no longer in the obese range I don’t see any reason to really step up the action to losing those remaining 20 pounds. But never is a long time and so I’m not going to say I never will. Maybe I’ll be motivated to do so in the future. At least I now have that choice! :) 

Getting that suture removed didn’t tickle. It was like having your hair pulled. We picked up the ointment she called in for me after seeing the counselor. We picked it up at Sam’s and decided to eat there, too. He got a hot dog and I got a couple of slices of pizza which I nearly finished that’s how famished I was by then. 

Traffic was an absolute nightmare coming back from the doctor, but not too bad coming home today. Got hung up by the usual creepers, of course. 

For a while, after we got home I felt so tired that I wondered if I’d actually end up taking a nap, but I didn’t. I laid down a while and then I went out riding. I realize I’m probably going faster than I thought at some point, like maybe 15 MPH. I don’t ride leisurely. I go as fast as traffic, people and the speed bumps will allow so as to get a good workout. 

After my workout I drank some water at my desk for a short time, then I hit the shower. When I got out I found my heart raced up to 115 and I’m still not sure why it does that at times. I have nothing to be anxious about at the moment. I’m appointment-free for the next month! I wonder if it could still be the meds, but IDK. I just know that living with the possibility of one of these heart-pounding attacks hitting me, anxiety, meds or not, is a tough thing to live with. The thought of it makes me want to cry. It’s a truly yucky feeling and I hope this won’t be a new trend for me – these unbelievably physical, horrible, scary attacks – even if it’s only once in a while. 

Had a dream I walked into Tammy's kitchen to find her struggling to clean the floor, so I quickly offered to help. I then thought to myself that I’d offer to clean her place whenever I could for $15. LOL, I’d want twice that much in real life. 

Later… 

After 45 days of doing surveys, I finally have the money for my next fun item, an erotic wall statue made of resin. “Rachel’s” a bit expensive, but I think she’ll be worth it and look good on the bathroom wall. My next goal, a silver toe ring with black footprints for my left foot, will take just a couple of days to earn. I love Amazon! 

Lost another pound and am now down to 145 even though I’m not trying to lose weight right now and am mostly focused on achieving better peace of mind. I’m still following my usual habits – treats on the weekends, a comfy 1500 calories or so during the week. Plus I ride my bike around the park for 20 minutes most days. 

I slept surprisingly horribly yesterday. I thought I’d sleep great since I don’t have to deal with alarms, appointments, deadlines and that extra stress on me, but nope. I stupidly left the volume on the sound machine a bit low and so a loud vehicle woke me up shortly after I crashed. I was just knocking back off after lying there a while when loud traffic woke me up again. So I upped the volume and threw in an earplug till the aroma of Tom’s food woke me up for good. 

If there’s one thing and one thing only I could change about this park it would be to get rid of that damn road in back! Or to at least close it while I was sleeping. 

I had sad dreams along the way, but I only remember one where I was in tears and said to Tom, “Doesn’t it sadden you to know we can never experience weather ever again like they have in California and Arizona, and now not even Florida?” 

In real life, I couldn’t care less about Arizona, but it was like we were trapped somewhere, though I don’t know where. New England? 

I discussed what happened down in Arizona with Dana so that may’ve triggered that “hopelessly stuck” dream. She asked if I was curious enough to look up whether or not my parents really did lose custody of me or if they gave me up. I told her that when I was younger I was curious, but now I don’t care. It’s done and over with, whatever really happened. I’m still guessing they lost me. It was much harder to lose your kid in the '80s since more people tended to look the other way, but after a while, things will catch up to you if you’re a shitty enough mother. It’s just too bad that while I had to pay dearly for something I never wrote (even Dana agreed the whole thing was insane even if I’d been guilty since I never did anything) my mother got away with child abuse. 

On the bright side, I’ve been anxiety-free so far today and I hope it stays that way. I realize that only I can help myself with that. For me, there are no magical Gods, fairies, or angels. Just me, not that I don’t appreciate my husband and doctor’s help. Still, there’s only so much they can do. The rest is up to me. It’s like with quitting smoking. People can tell you all the time why you should quit, but only you can do the quitting. 

Starting to think my Nebraska visitor isn’t Aly after all. Not unless she created a whole new account just to show up on my tracker from Prosebox which makes no sense when she could just go to Blogger. As a test, I asked her on Ask what she’s looking for in my journal but she hasn’t answered. Either way, her looking in on me, if it is her, isn’t going to kill me. I went to her blog, realizing that she probably didn’t code the entries themselves and she didn’t. No mention of me either. 

I’m really surprised she and her trolls haven’t contacted me on Ask, and I’m also surprised Molly doesn’t peek in on me more often. That probably won’t change till the next time Aly dumps her.

When I got up this morning I noticed Aly once again peeked in on my Prosebox account. But why? And why only that blog? I would think she’d want to remain hidden from my tracker no matter what blog she went to that she knew I could track, but why is she looking in on me when she told me before she didn’t read my journal because it was “better that way?” Was that a lie, too? I still can’t imagine her stalking me like Kim and Molly have, but I guess only time will tell. She shouldn’t be interested in me at all. Period. We’re done with each other, so what I have to say shouldn’t concern her any more than it should concern the other two. Just maybe she really didn’t give the others the link, though. Kim, I wouldn’t know because she likes to fly under radar, but I would think that Molly would’ve visited that blog if she had the link. 

For now, I blocked Aly’s IP on Blogger and made my current Prosebox journal members only after blocking her old account there. I’m not updating my-diary right now and LiveJournal is still private. 

Later… 

It would be really nice if Alison could stop peeking in my Prosebox account. Just what is she looking for anyway? I made it clear that I can no longer trust her with the lies I’ve caught her in, the games she’s been a part of playing that nearly cost me a good friend, and the sites I suspect she’s hacked. She made it clear that it’s “refreshing” not to have me in her life. After all, I’m not crazy, I never told her I wished her cancer would kill her, and I don’t go around impersonating her or two-facing her at times either. Therefore, I’m not the type of person she prefers to have as a friend and she shouldn’t be interested in what’s going on in my life any more than her two online besties should be. I’m not interested in her stuff and she shouldn’t be interested in mine. 

You know, the more I step back and look at Alison as a whole and not just her intelligent and creative side, I see a lot of similarities between her and the nutjobs she prefers as friends. Just like them, she is selfish and enough is never enough. No matter how much attention you give the 3 of them, they always demand more or claim to feel ignored and unsupported. What more do these people expect? Well, whatever it is, they’re not getting it from me, they’re never going to get it from me, so they might as well move on and keep their nose out of my business. 

I temporarily made my Prosebox books members only and blocked her IP on Blogger, but I’m sure she’ll find a way around it. This is someone who’s a helluva lot more computer savvy than I am. If she can hack, she can change IPs or toss her cookies. She can always have others read my shit to her if need be, too. 

Later… 

So I met with Dana and she was very understanding. I guess they’re trained to be that way, as well as open-minded. 

We managed to cover a lot of topics during the hour we spoke. I told her a little about the places I’ve lived, some current and past friends, some family members both dead and alive, being framed in Arizona by a bunch of lazy, vindictive white haters, the poverty trips that nearly killed us, and then my current health issues, including the accidental OD and anxiety attacks that followed. 

We discussed my type of sleep disorder, which she’s heard of, and how offended I was to have some people call me a liar and an excuse queen that should have not only known me better than that, but what it was like to be judged themselves and how shitty it can make you feel to be accused, for example, of choosing to be ill or choosing to be gay when you know damn well that’s utter bullshit. 

As we both know, though, someone is always going to be quick to judge or condemn us no matter what it is we say or do. I’m sure there are some people who would gladly call me a liar just for insisting my favorite color is pink, and others will say the only reason I didn’t do this journal entry earlier was that I was either lazy or had some deep dark psychological fear blocking me, no matter what reason I gave them for not doing it until now. But if you’re my friend you should know me better! 

But what others believe isn’t what’s most important now. I’d gladly have tons of insensitive and cruel people critiquing and laughing every single day at my fears, phobias, doubts, worries and lifestyle before I had one anxiety attack a week. Even being angry was heaven compared to being anxious, fearful or depressed. 

Just like I didn’t want the anger eating me up every day or to become too forgiving once again and had to work through that to improve in those areas, I now need to work on living in the moment. These days my PTSD stems more from the fear of poverty touching us to the degree that it did a few years ago, as well as all those nasty what-ifs. Not what my mother did or what the welfare bums and their corrupt ex-pig pal did. Today it’s all about fear of eventually losing the house or something really bad happening to Tom. I need to live in the present. Tom didn’t get into a car accident today that left him in the hospital or dead, so there’s no need to worry about or think of that. Our savings is low due to all the home improvements and needing a new car, but we have enough money to pay for the essentials, so there’s no need to worry about losing the house right now either. 

She recommended I look up precognitive therapy online and I did. It helps refocus the mind on the here and now. Tonight. What am I going to do tonight? I’m going to wait till the temperature drops 10 more degrees and then I’m going to go out on my bike.

Great news! The biopsy came back negative! No cancer, abnormal cells or growth or anything infectious bacterially or virally speaking. I do have enlarged hair follicles down there and it’s become a bit fibrosis in nature, but that’s normal for a lot of women. As a former exotic dancer, I wonder if it’s from all the years of having to shave. LOL, I told her this too, and she said it could be. Better – uhem – trim with scissors than razors. 

Meanwhile, my doctor is sooo nice! Just so, so nice. Best doctor (and best looking) I’ve had in forever, but then again it’s been forever since I saw them regularly before this year. She’s very kind, patient and understanding. The kind I’d want for a friend if she weren’t my doctor. She knows writing and languages are my specialty, so I told her that if she ever needs a writer she can let me know. :) 

Meanwhile, to back up a bit, I slept so long and well yesterday that I was up all night as expected. I took a Benadryl at 6am to help me sleep since I hadn’t taken anything in weeks. I began to read and then 15 minutes later my heart started galloping and that woozy feeling came over me, and I was like, oh no! I’m NOT going to take this shit now. I need to get to sleep. So I did the breathing exercises I read up on and it slowed my heartbeat down enough so I could get to sleep. Woke up a zillion times before getting up shortly before 2pm, but I’m not as tired as I was the first couple of hours. I should crash earlier tonight easily enough, then I see the counselor at 5pm, then believe it or not, that’s it till January! All I’ll have to deal with between now and then is the dentist, endo and eye docs. I don’t think I’ll reschedule the ultrasound at this point and I may cancel the hearing tests, too. Especially since we have to pay for those. I work at home. We don’t need to make sure I can hear the landscapers well enough. 

The doctor said it was a good thing that I recognized the anxiety attack coming on (no doubt nervous about today’s appointment) and could get myself to relax. These attacks are a bit scary, though, because they’ve gotten more physical than I’m used to. I’ve always been an anxious type of person who doesn’t hold up well under stress when something’s going on, even if it’s not that big of a deal like today’s appointment. But this has a bit of a new twist to it. Anxiety has always upset my stomach. But this pounding heart and dizziness are more extreme than I remember it to be. 

The doctor, who told me she thought I looked beautiful after I asked if I appeared that heavy, and said she often wished she was as short as me (blushes), said I was no longer obese and am now just 21 pounds overweight. I guess obesity is a BMI of 30 or higher. I think I was between 30-32. Anyway, I’m now 28 and should be 25. I’m not worried about it right now, though. If I get there, fine. In the meantime, I really like my weekend treats! 

With the exception of the OD, it’s amazing how much better a tiny little pill can make you feel. A dead thyroid throws everything off. Everything. Not just your weight and metabolism. Still, it’s amazing that I can once again drink a simple little cup of coffee and not gain a pound that hangs on for dear life unlike before. A sure sign that something was wrong. After all, most days I don’t stuff myself and I do keep pretty active. 

I just wish things were going as well for Tom and Tammy. Tom and I were going to grab something to eat on the way home (the downside to having a working metabolism again is that I’m hungrier during non-PMS times). However, he started feeling dizzy so we came straight home. He thinks his ear may still be clogged up so we dumped more alcohol and peroxide in it. I think we stopped those treatments too soon, which has always helped him in the past. 

One of my absolute biggest fears in life is Tom suffering any serious diseases or illnesses. If one of us absolutely must suffer and must have issues, I’d rather it be me, of course. I’m sure we all feel that way when it comes down to ourselves or the ones we love. My condition isn’t “serious” as long as I take my medicine. If I stop, then yeah, it would eventually kill me. Or some other complication caused by the disease itself would. 

As much as doctors are a pain in the ass, hotties or not, and as much as the co-payments add up, it’s nice to have finally gotten everything dealt with and taken care of so I won’t have to die of a coma, heart attack or stroke, and keep on wondering if I’m infected down there. I’m glad I’ve established doctors for my issues and that if anything were to go wrong, I’ve got someone I can call and we wouldn’t have to hunt for who to call and then get set up with them and all that. California’s expensive and NorCal gets cold in the winter, but if I were suddenly moving to a nice toasty warm tropical climate, I don’t know that I’d like having to give up these doctors to hunt for new ones. Well, I won’t have to cross that bridge for many years to come, if I ever do. 

Tammy has, though. She’s still getting established with new doctors in Florida and is doing terribly. The heat and humidity are getting to her and she’s been nauseous and having lots of trouble breathing. She’ll be seeing a pulmonologist on Friday. Damn, I wish that girl could just quit smoking!

Built my first practice app of a kitty that purrs when you touch its picture. It’s too bad Tom had to walk me through the tutorial, but what’s most important is that I learn as opposed to how I learn. 

Andy surprised me with a VM last night letting me know he loves me. How sweet. As I told him and Tammy, that number will be no good in the fall. I’m not going to renew the MagicJack. Too many problems with it and not worth it since we have smartphones. Best phone I ever had! Meanwhile, the MJ phone, which has no actual phone, hooked up to it right now, is a convenient way to pick up messages online until it expires. 

Went bike riding yesterday evening. It was my first time around the perimeters since the OD, and it was great. The temperature and lighting were perfect. There was still enough light to see well enough yet late enough to be free of traffic. I feel such a sense of freedom and so carefree when I’m flying through the park on my bike. Don’t know if I’ll go out tonight, though, since we went swimming earlier. 

The pool was chilly. I miss those triple-digit temps. They’ll be back at the end of the week. We went in the Jacuzzi, then I let myself heat up in the sun and get a little more color before jumping in the pool. 

Unfortunately, I slept till 2pm, so I’m hoping I’m not up too late this morning. I want to get at least 6 hours of sleep before my appointment at 4:30. I’ll be learning the results of the biopsy and finding out my options. Then I see the counselor tomorrow at 5:00. I just want all these appointments to slow down! I’d really, REALLY like a couple of weeks off. 

Had a dream I was at Valleyhead again and my parents were still alive. I hate those dreams but they could be worse. Anyway, I don’t know if I had just graduated or if it was vacation time, but it occurred to me that I had to call my parents to come and pick me up. It was getting late in the day and I knew they might not be able to get me that day since they were over an hour away. I had no way to call them and so I asked some guy who had come to pick someone up if I could use his cell phone. He refused and acted as if I’d asked for 100 bucks. The dream ended with me being bummed at the thought of having to stay another day or more until I could get my parents to pick me up. 

In the other dream I remember, my brother was alive again. He and Tammy were together somewhere when he called me and asked me to boost Tammy's confidence by telling her that our mother really did love her and all that. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, since our mother’s treatment of us said otherwise, and for some reason, Tom seemed highly annoyed by my not telling Tammy what Larry wanted me to tell her. In reality, of course, Tom would want me to say whatever I felt was best to say.

Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?! 

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of. 

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about. 

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me? 

Later… 

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim. 

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike. 

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason. 

Later… 

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all. 

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it. 

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t! 

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.

We are experiencing some super weird weather today. Had someone told me yesterday, or even this morning, that it would rain this afternoon I would have laughed. But sure enough, it’s very monsoon-ish out there now. No thunder, wind or lightning, but there were clouds and rain. Very, very unusual for this time of year. 

Rode a little over a mile before the rain hit and am enjoying a quiet, relaxing Sunday with Tom. 

Alison peeked in my Prosebox account a while ago. Wonder if she cursed under her breath just like I did when I last went to her Thoughts blog to find she’d rigged it with tracking, and then when I went to find out Molly had rigged hers too, when I went to try to find out when she would be home so I could be ready to block that town’s current IP. I said to myself, “Watch, now Molly will make it a point to “peek back” as soon as she gets up,” and she did. 

Or maybe Alison just didn’t care. I’m not going to care anymore if they peek in on me. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not about to run and hide or change accounts like they love to do. 

I am curious, though, as to why she peeked in on me and I’m guessing it was to give the link to the trolls. Her only way to check up on me undetected is to disable cookies and go to Blogger since LiveJournal is momentarily private and I’m not updating my-diary. It was a direct jump so I’m guessing she came in either from her own account there or from the link I gave her in an email. She may’ve been curious to see if I was mentioning her, but if she was, the tracker put a damper on that curiosity. I still think she was just getting the link for the trolls, though she wouldn’t have to click through it to copy it. It doesn’t matter. I want nothing to do with the crazy trio. Still, I’ll mention anything I observe (in private), though these observations will be them coming to me and not me going to them. 

I did have a Harlingen visitor but it couldn’t have been Molly because she’s definitely still in Austin. This was a few days ago. Unless the link was given to her mother or someone else she knows there, I doubt it was her.

I have decided for once and for all that I am going to learn computer programming so I can write apps for Android. It's going to take time and patience, but I figure that if I can learn languages and write books, I can learn to program. I'm already a bit computer savvy and I've got the best teacher in the world... Tom! 

We were talking earlier and he was telling me that if he’s wrong in thinking he didn’t get one of those jobs in his department he interviewed for the other day, then that would mean half a year or so of OT, which would mean mad money for a while even if they didn’t give him a raise. Whether he gets it or not, he still doesn’t have as much time as I have and so I’ve finally decided to have him teach me how to write apps and things like that, and then I can watch some tutorials on my own. I’ve always wanted to program but shied away from it because I’m not nearly as good with numbers as I am with words. But I can learn and learn I will! The way to improve on what we’re not good at is to do it, so he gave me a little taste today on Google’s App Inventor in which you’re not coding from scratch. You use their blocks of coding to build this and that, and you can see the changes both on your monitor and your phone. It’s pretty neat. 

I suppose it’s possible that the more I delve into it the more confused and frustrated I may get, and well, not everybody can do everything. But I won’t know for sure if I can or not unless I try. 

Speaking of codes, I wish Prosebox supported JavaScript and not just HTML. On other sites, I track I can tell where people go and not just that they’ve visited, but on Prosebox I can’t tell where people go. That’s because JS isn’t supported there and I have to use an HTML code, which gives me limited info. I’m hoping the guy adds the kind of CSS editor that the old OD site had. 

Later… 

This may sound funny, but I think I’m going to give up coffee for a while. For some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore unless it’s some expensive gourmet cappuccino or something like Starbucks that’s riddled with sugar and calories. There’s always hot chocolate and tea, though it’s a bit warm for any hot beverages of any kind right now. 

A few people have asked if I think I know what caused the anxiety attacks I recently had. I know what caused them. They were triggered by my accidentally ODing and by all the appointments I’ve got that never seem to slow down. The ODing was very scary and I just felt overwhelmed with all the health stuff. All pills seemed evil to me for a while there. Even Ibuprofen suddenly seemed evil. I was afraid to take anything for a few days because the incident put a bit of a complex on me. Strangely enough, though, since they did the biopsy I’ve had a lot less itching. 

I’m doing much better now, though, and am finding a balance between how much attention and effort I put into dealing with things. It’s one of those cases where you don’t want to avoid dealing with your problems, be it medical issues, anxiety, etc., but you don’t want to dwell on them either. If we focus too much on what’s wrong, we’ll never enjoy what’s right in our lives. 

I made up my mind as far as whether or not to reach out to Aly and her crazy friends on Ask after going back and forth and back and forth. Do I consider the good in her and contact her? I asked myself, or do I consider the bad and the potential trouble that could come from the other two and stay away? 

I asked Tom his opinion and his was to stay away. Not so much because of what they’ve done wrong, but because I told them to stay away from me. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to go to them after I told them for years to stay away from me. Really, I literally worked for years trying to get them to leave me alone. It took years to get them off my ass. So do I really want them back on it, fair of me or not? I definitely don’t! It seems only inevitable too, that the shit would eventually hit the fan with them again. You just can’t reject people like Kim and Molly without being stalked, pestered, followed and harassed, and it doesn’t go on for weeks or even just months. It goes on for years. No thanks! 

Later… 

Had a series of dreams last night that was both strange and sad. In one dream we gave 8 baby rats to a place like Goodwill. 

In another, we were at a movie theater, a place we’ve had absolutely no desire to visit what with Netflix, Amazon and all the stuff you can watch right in the comfort of home. Never cared for movie theaters. If someone isn’t talking and distracting you, you still can’t pause the movie when you have to pee nor can you rewind a certain part you want to see again. 

Anyway, the theater was showing two movies. Tom and I waited in the lobby when this woman came in with her 5 screaming brats. I hoped they weren’t going to be watching the movie we were going to watch. Then another woman starts screaming at her for being rude enough to not only bring her brood but to allow them to carry on like such animals. 

As the woman was running scared with her kids and the woman going off on her was being ushered out, Tom pulled a pistol from his pocket and I asked him what he was doing with it. “We’re 75 now. We need this,” he said. 

LOL, not that we could ever both be 75 at the same time. He wasn’t the only one packing a piece in my dreams, though. 

The sad dream was that I moved into a ground-floor apartment with two bedrooms all by myself. Tammy stayed in the spare bedroom my first night there. Maybe it was in Florida? I don’t know where Tom was or how the rent was being paid but as I lay in bed that night I was very depressed and very annoyed at all the sounds I could hear around me within the building. I heard it all. Every fart, hiccup, cough, sneeze and word uttered. 

I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Tammy who gave me a comforting hug and promised to keep me safe. I told her that if she ever needed a place she was welcome to have the other bedroom since I doubted I’d ever have a roommate. 

“Don’t worry,” my sister said, “I’ve got you covered. Here, watch this.” 

Tammy then pulled a pistol out of her robe pocket and fired at the ceiling where it met the wall. 

“Don’t do that!” I said. “What if you shot out their water pipes upstairs or something?” 

Tammy just shrugged, laughed and said, “Well, if I did… tough.”

Keeping busy and feeling great. :) I circled the block on my bike 5 times in 9 minutes, which totals 1 mile. I still wanted to keep close to home in case I started feeling funny. Also, it was pretty hot out and I don’t need to burn myself anymore either. In a few days, I should be able to stay up late enough to ride around the park perimeters. 

Got my online work done, the laundry done, and the grocery list made up, and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and hit the pool. 

I’m just $15 away from my next fun purchase goal, which I would’ve reached a week ago had I not had such a rough time. I can get that in just a couple of days at the very most, so I’m not worried about it. 

Those little girls came screaming by at 8pm and then at 9pm last night with mommy and grandma’s mutt. I’m almost positive they do live here and I realized that if their mother is a caretaker (caretakers can live here no matter what their age), then of course her kids could live here, too. Most moms are single these days so it’s easier for them to have such jobs where they live with the person they work for. This would also explain why no one’s complained. I kept wondering how the hell come no one immediately around them put two and two together when I’d already done so from several houses away. 

I’m just glad they’re on the other side of the circle. Screaming kids are like nails running down a chalkboard. Very annoying and distracting. After all, one of the reasons I came here was to keep away from that sort of thing. Makes me realize I’m no longer as cursed as I used to be in the noisy neighbor department because it would’ve been just my shit luck to get next to or across from them. But we didn’t! 

Gonna take it easy for the rest of the night and just listen to music, read, enter some sweeps, and maybe even watch a movie.

I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted. 

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands? 

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time. 

Later… 

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time. 

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that. 

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me? 

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart. 

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time. 

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL. 

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.

I’m exhausted right now so I’m just going to say that the biopsy is done! I only felt a bit of a sting as the needle went in, then they took a sample of the little bumps or zit-like things, then they put a stitch in me, which needs to be removed next week. Had I known I'd need stitches down there I'd have ended up in the ER for damn sure! 

Meanwhile, she thinks I've been having severe anxiety due to the trauma of accidentally ODing and that it's unlikely that my thyroid meds would affect me with such intensity after all these months. What happened a few years ago also gave me a case of PTSD, then there's the ADHD and the torturous week I’ve had, so she's sending me to a counselor and prescribing me lorazepam to take up to 2 times a day as needed. Next week I should know the results of the biopsy. I just wish all these appointments would slow down! 

I assured her when she asked if I felt like hurting myself that I wasn't suicidal. I was in the past, but not now. Now I just want to feel better. Having the biopsy out of the way and knowing for sure it is anxiety and not just thinking it is, helps too, but I still have a lot of health issues to deal with. I miss the old healthy me who didn't take meds, even if she's always had some of these issues. 

Apparently, some of it is Nane's fault. Haha, you'll LOVE this one, as I told Nane. I told the doctor that I wasn't sure at first if it was anxiety because sometimes it would creep up on me when nothing bad was on my mind. Then I told her I got all excited to get a special friend’s postcard when it hit me, and she said that getting excited could aggravate it. So Nane made my day AND gave me an anxiety attack! Frau Regenbogen could understand everything she wrote in German even if it was brief! Sorry, can't read the Greek, though, LOL. She said it just said, “Greetings from Greece.” 

Anyway, I practically broke down in tears and told the doctor what happened. Instead of cutting me off and telling me to make another appointment to discuss it, she was very patient and compassionate. So was Maria, who came in to confer with the doctor over my problem downstairs. 

I’ll write more details tomorrow. Right now I’m just beat. I just want to get into bed with the Kindle and relax till I crash.

Funny how I get an alert every now and then from Yahoo! saying they got a login from an unrecognized browser. Really? Well, if it’s not just a glitch on their part, instead of creating a second sign-in I’ll just let them do it again and incriminate themselves. Chances are it’s just them fucking up. If it were hacked the alert probably would’ve given me the location. Gmail did when someone in Malaysia once hacked one of my old Google accounts. Besides, I never use this account. It only exists so I can use Flickr. If it were someone interested in my emails, that one wouldn’t be the one to check. 

Did some cleaning and some online work. My anxiety’s picking up a bit with tomorrow’s biopsy looming over my head. 

It’s much cooler today and even a bit cloudy. This is better for laying out at the pool, though I prefer to swim more than lie on the lounge chairs. Even if I had a deep dark tan right now, it’s not going to last forever anyway. Winter’s going to come and it’s going to fade. 

Had a series of senseless dreams that consisted of bits and pieces of this and that. Something about Hawaii. Then a van that the cops and reporters decided wasn’t the type a serial killer that was on the loose was thought to have been using. Next thing I know I’m in that van that was parked in an empty parking lot by the building. A man knocked on the window opposite me and my first thought was, “It’s the killer! Run!” I took off running around a brick building that was 2 or 3 stories. 

Then I walked through a long house I knew was ours. I painted a door green and the kitchen walls deep aqua. I decided it didn’t go well with the black countertops. In what I’m guessing was the neighborhood where this house was, Andy and I were walking when we came upon a shabby section where houses were rundown and welfare bums and gang bangers stood clustered outdoors. A couple of guys suddenly got into a fistfight and I was afraid one of the guys would be shoved into me as I walked by since it happened so fast and I was caught off guard. 

I realized I was so busy working in this store that sold decorative items, in the last dream, that I didn’t have time to pick up messages. A woman asked me to order a flag for her with a cat, but she wanted a realistic cat and not a cartoonish cat.