When I got up today I thought, boy it’s dark in here. Then as soon as I turned off the sound machine I could hear the rain. Yes, we actually got some real rain. I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but this is no five-minute drizzle. The only thing that sucks about it is that it’s so chilly in here. Gonna need the heat tonight for sure. 

I wish we could go to Hawaii or Florida and not return till April (though we will be in Florida, Mexico, Jamaica and possibly a couple of other countries for about a week)! Because some people have asked… yes, this is a seasonal climate. Only it doesn’t get below the 20s or snow. Still, it gets plenty cold enough. The coldest night I remember in the 8 years I’ve lived here was 23° and the hottest day was 114°. 

Anyway, I felt really rundown yesterday. I had to push myself to go out on the bike, and biking is the one form of exercise I never get sick of. I’ll be running indoors tonight. I felt rundown in the kind of way one does when they’re sick, only I didn’t feel sick. I wrote it off as not sleeping well, but I slept better this time around, so hopefully I won’t feel sluggish later on. Could be PMS, though I don’t feel very PMSy. I’m guessing my period will be late again as menopause sets further in. I hope that’s what it is, anyway. 

I dreamed we moved to Europe, though I don’t know where in Europe. Nane might have been in the dream, too. Funny I should dream of her because I “sensed” her last night. Like she was considering contacting me or something. If she does, the smart thing to do would be to ignore her. The dumb thing to do would be to reply. Well, I would probably do the dumb thing because sometimes I just do dumb things. Warum würde das ändern?

No problem yesterday and today while I’ve been awake, but my heart raced me awake for the second time in three days. It took me a while to fall back asleep. I know it’s just anxiety due to the dosage increase, and it’s not scary like it was at first, but it is annoying. Either way, I’ve got this! This is still better than suffering while I’m awake. It’s a pain in the ass, but it stops after a few minutes. Before I would suffer for hours at a time either with my heart racing, beating hard, or the emotional twisters that having a good thyroid day can put you through on top of the medication you take. I have stood up to God (if there is one) and let Him know that I’m not going to take any more medical drama. I refuse to suffer and I’m not about to sit back and have Him allow me to do so either. Once I took that step, I began to feel better. I’m not perfect any more than anyone else is, but I certainly can’t complain compared to what I see many others go through, along with what I went through in the past. 

I am much more concerned right now for my sister and Aly. My sister needs her other knee replaced, and Aly’s looking at once again dealing with radiation and chemo due to leukemia. As if they haven’t had enough to deal with between breast cancer, lung issues, and tons of other shit! To make it even scarier, so many doctors out there don’t have a clue as to what they’re doing. My first endo told me it would take six months to regulate my dose. Well, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still waiting. The more I learn from Doc O, the more info I realize Doc D withheld from me that could’ve helped me a lot. 

I’m a bit surprised I haven’t had any negative dreams pertaining to my sister or Aly. Hopefully, that just means they’ll be okay in the end. They may have a rough road ahead, but they’re tough enough to pull through. 

I did dream that I was at a dinner party with Lori, Lisa and June and gave them a piece of my mind. 

Then we were living in some huge place somewhere that seemed more like a building than a house because the place seemed to have five or more bathrooms. I went into one of the smaller bathrooms to pour a bottle of water into the sink and noticed that the countertop was not only wet but also had a traditional toilet paper holder. I made a mental note to replace it with a handy bar holder. 

Then I was in the living room where the walls were painted a teal color. Tom had pulled a tall piece of furniture about a foot from the wall (a hutch or a bookcase?) and behind it was a wallpaper pattern of some kind. I made another mental note to keep a tall piece of furniture in that area to hide it. 

Then I was chasing a cat around the place (Simone?) that was trying to eat scraps of paper that had fallen to the floor. 

In another dream, I was by a large pool. Several people surrounded it, but only these strange-looking penguins were jumping in and out of the pool. Even though it was a warm day and I wished I could jump in the pool too, I knew there was something in the water that was bad for people and that’s why no one was using the pool.

The older I get, the less often I get depressed. Yet last night I felt a little anxious as well as depressed. I’m on a new dosage and I don’t know how it’s going to affect me a few weeks from now, I have an ageless neighbor that likes to be noisy at times, and sometimes I miss being so far away from my closest friends and family. Not gonna lie, though. If we won the lottery today then we would be making plans to move further away (to Hawaii) the next day. 

I thought about last year’s trauma and I realized that as horrible as the ordeal was, there was some good in it. For many years I have worried about how we would get by and what will become of us when we get old. However, when you are worried about how a medication may affect you in the present, it has a way of diverting your mind from what may happen in the future. That was definitely one of my biggest problems for a long time… I spent so much of it worrying about the future and all kinds of possible scenarios that may never happen. 

My heart seemed to beat a little hard last night, but it may simply have been that my body was digesting all that chicken I had. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear Foster Farms put beta-blockers in their chicken! When I had some toward the beginning of my day, I felt very tired afterward and was suddenly freezing. Hypothyroidism can make you feel cold, but my numbers aren’t high enough to really get me that cold, I wouldn’t think. Finally, I perked up and warmed up. Toward the end of my day, I had some more chicken and the same thing happened. I even fell asleep early. 

I went to bed worrying… Will Bob’s hammer wake me up? Will a loud vehicle wake me up? Will my heart race me awake? Will I have any nightmares? However, I ended up sleeping quite well and got up at noon for the third day in a row. 

I made a few rounds around the circle on the bike just after 7 PM last night and the moon looked pretty cool from what I could see of it. It would probably have looked a lot cooler back out in the country. Part of me misses country living, minus Jesse, his mutts, the well, and a few other things. I never expected this retirement community to be quiet all the time, but I also never expected to be listening to so much traffic and landscaping this often either, along with motorcycles and power tools. It’s just ridiculous at times. At least there are no barking dogs or screaming kids, but I do hear car stereos at times. Most of those are coming from outside of the park, though. Today I heard about 10 seconds of hammering, but I couldn’t say if it was from next door or not. It has otherwise actually been a very pleasant day.

Made it through my first day on 88’s without any more than just a touch of anxiety. Couldn’t have been from the meds, though, since the new dose isn’t in my system yet. Two weeks to two months is the critical zone I need to get through. My heart did race me awake once, though, because I overheated. I got up, kicked the fan on, and fell back asleep a little while longer with no problem. 

This hot day is full of car stereos and motorcycles, but only the motorcycles have come close to the house. Really REALLY wish the residents would start complaining about them, but I know they won’t with the way noise is so accepted and even encouraged in the West. Like I said, I dread the day they drop the mutt rules. What will be the point of a retirement community then? I mean I don’t care how old you are if you can’t shut up. Noise is noise and I’m not sure it matters if it comes from a stereo or a child’s mouth any more than a motorcycle or a dog’s mouth. At least Bob’s been quiet for several days now, and yes, I would rather the motorcycles than him. The motorcycles come and then they go. But when Bob starts up one of his projects, I don’t know how long I’m going to have to listen to it. 

Love the weather we’ve been having. I prefer highs in the 90s because then it’s not so hot that the AC is always running, but not cool enough to let it get too chilly in the mornings. 

I love routine and I love the things I usually do on a daily basis. But sometimes I just like to relax and do things that don’t require much thinking. Like coloring. Ever since I’ve gotten into adult coloring books I’ve been reading less and less. I even canceled my book deal subscription for now. I colored for hours last night and re-sorted all my pens and pencils. Love this Facebook page for adult coloring addicts, and even printed some of their free coloring pages and submitted some of my own work. They’re going to be having some kind of giveaway, but with nearly 25K “likers,” I don’t stand much of a chance. I miss the days when winning was easier!

Aly noticed my schedule’s been flipping faster this last week. I love an observant person who cares enough to notice even the little things. But yeah, it’s been jumping fast. Tom thinks I’m just anxious. Well, now that I’ve got more levothyroxine in my body than ever before since I began 88 mcg today, I’d say that yes, I’m a little anxious. Still hoping for the best, though. 

Aly should get the necklace I sent her on Monday, while I’ll have to contact the seller about my set of glow-in-the-dark nail polishes since I was supposed to receive them on the 22nd and never did. I also stupidly gave the mailman a DHL number, not OnTrac. 

What I don’t get is why we have to see our doctors in person with the way technology is today. My endo’s a lovely person, but why can’t we “meet” online or via phone? Wouldn’t that save both the patient and the doctor a lot of time? I can see meeting in person at least once a year, but every 3 months? 

So far today I’ve heard a loud car stereo and motorcycles tearing in and out of here while I was in the shower with water beating on my head, that’s how ghastly loud the fucking things are. It’s like I can’t escape Jesse. Bob makes the kind of racket he made, and now Jesse’s motorcycles are roaring in and out of this place. 

“They can’t stop people’s friends and family from visiting,” Tom said. 

Why can’t they stop them from doing so on motorcycles? It’s their park. *sighs* If only we could pick this house up and move it to a less active section of the park! 

Speaking of the park, it’s asking for clothes to be donated, so since I’m 100% sure I’ll never lose weight, it’s time to weed out the clothes I’m too big for. 

Now here’s something weird. I received a call from an Auburn number in which a guy left a VM saying, “Jodi, remove me from your phone list. Al.” 

Curious as to what the hell he was talking about, I called the number back and he said someone was using our numbers to enter sweepstakes and stuff like that. I told him I was sorry they were doing this to him, but it wasn’t me. 

Tom said it was our old number, but I don’t recognize it as our old cell number or the landline in the trailer from when we lived in Auburn. What I don’t get is why would they use BOTH his number and my current one??? 

No negative dreams last night. Just weird ones. In one dream Tom went down to Arizona on a business trip and happened to stay in our Maricopa house while he was there. I anxiously asked him what it was like nowadays upon his return and he said he didn’t notice. 

I said, “They must’ve planted more trees then.” 

Then I dreamed Simone was with us again and this time I magically had no breathing problems, couldn’t smell her shit, and she was oh so perfectly behaved.

Today is the last day of the 75s. Tomorrow my dose will be upped to 88 mcgs and yes, I am nervous about it. Trying to think positively and hope for the best, though. The thing is my body isn’t even going to know it for a week or two. This medication takes time to build up in the body. 

I have enjoyed three days of peace and quiet, but that’s probably mostly due to the heat rather than the kindness of people's hearts. All I heard was the trash truck, and they were landscaping down the street at one of the houses. 

It is very weird yet cool to now be able to read and comment on some Facebook posts in Dutch. I still know more German, though. I don't have any plans or desires right now to whip my Dutch and German up to serious fluency. Knowing a little more than enough to get by is sufficient enough for me. I do want to review some of my RLs, though. Consistency matters. 

Tom has been doing some research on dieting since he wants to lose weight. Studies suggest it's best to eat the number of calories it would take to maintain your ideal weight, saying you would automatically lose weight if you did that consistently and then hover at your ideal weight.  They say this is better than traditional dieting where you drastically cut your calories. To me, this makes no sense. I would think that each day you took in more than you put out, you would either gain weight or stay the same.

He can do what he wants, but I know I’m always going to be big and I can live with it as long as I don’t get any bigger. I’m learning, however, that it’s not all about my thyroid but also about age and genetics. I mean look at how many older people struggle to lose weight yet their thyroids work fine. The older body was just meant to have extra meat on it, even with a healthy diet and sufficient exercise. I don’t think there’s much we can do about that, but we can definitely prevent additional weight gain once we settle into whatever our middle-age weight is going to be. I have been approximately the same weight for about six years now.

Updated my passport. I was smart to have penciled in my old address so I could erase it and pencil in my current one. Why didn’t they stamp the Bahamas in when we were there? Puerto Rico was part of the US, and we didn’t quite make it to the Grand Turks, but it’s kind of strange that they didn’t stamp in the Bahamas. I thought it would be cool to have a “book” of all the countries I end up going to. 

I dreamed we lived in Hawaii. Best. Dream. Ever. Still no negative dreams that might lead me to think I might be in for trouble on the new dose, but soon I will find out. 

Had the runs for the second time this week, though I’m not sure why. 

The air quality has been horrible here. I had a little congestion yesterday. We’ve been averaging 10° higher than normal for this time of year, but I’m certainly not complaining. It gets chilly in here in the mornings, and then the AC comes on in the afternoons. 

There’s a really nice older guy who delivers our mail, and I went out to see if the nail polish that was supposed to get here two days ago had arrived, and it hasn’t. I told him OnTrac was supposed to deliver it to our regular carrier and he asked if I had the tracking number. So he backed up his truck, and I ran in to jot down the number for him. He said he would look into it but that he’s not going to be here for the rest of the week. 

Next door is out now and hopefully won’t return before it's too hot for the GOM (grumpy old man) to go into I-don’t-give-a-shit mode (with his hammer) and make me edit the letter I already drafted up for Joy in hopes of jinxing him into silence. 

I saw Jim pick Bob up yesterday for the second time and they took off somewhere for a few hours. Like I said, I love it when he’s out. I don’t care about his wife because she’s never noisy, but Bob can spend all the time he wants away from home. 

I rejoined Tumblr for the millionth time because they have a “chat” feature that allows you to write stories in script form. I was going to try that just for something different, but it simply won’t work. There’s no way to capture unspoken thoughts and actions in the way that you can in story format. 

Later… 

I like to document as much as I can in my journals, not just about my life and experiences, but those I know as well. This is definitely not appropriate for public viewing. 

I am always thinking of  O lately. What is it with me and these doctor crushes? It used to be cops and now it’s doctors. What’re next, farmers? Real estate agents? Teachers? LOL crushes may be fun no matter who we love and are devoted to, but they can be frustrating at times. You wish you could see these people more often, but at the same time, you certainly don’t want anything to come of it. Besides, due to both age and having Hashimoto’s my libido is just about shot to hell. The bright side of that… you don’t miss what you don’t crave. Still, I can recognize something attractive when I see it and there’s just something about that endo of mine. 

Let me guess… now that I have an established crush on  O, she will retire, move, or something. All the hotties have a way of disappearing from my life rather quickly. Jane, the waitress moves. Liz, the cashier quits. Randy changed routes. My old doctors turn out to be less than competent. So what will happen to  O? I’m guessing early retirement, though it’s possible she may move. Then I can send her a friend invite on Facebook that she won’t accept, LOL. 

I’m just one of the few who can admit that no human being is attracted only to their soulmate. We are attracted to people regularly throughout our entire lives. It’s just human nature. Only difference is that with some it’s the opposite sex, some it’s the same sex, and with others, it’s both. In different frequencies as well, no doubt. 

With me, it’s women with an occasional guy sprinkled in the mix. My last male crush (besides a few guys online) was one of the mailmen we had up in Oregon. There was just something about tall, wiry Randy and his alert blue eyes. I don’t have a “type” with men, though I have always liked both men and women who were older.  O is a bit out of my type, just like my old PCP was because I rarely like blondes.  O isn’t blonde, but she’s kind of smallish like I am. She’s Tom’s age and has light golden brown eyes with shoulder-length graying hair that is mostly dark brown. My usual type is tall with dark hair and dark brown eyes. Not big on blacks, but some Italians, Hispanics, Indians and Asians can be very beautiful. 

Anyway, I got a couple of crystal heart necklaces that are identical and I have mailed one to Aly in Nebraska. She said she’d let me know when she gets it. We hang out daily on Twitter. 

I am still connected with Mitch, Adonis, Christine and Eileen, though I don’t hear much from Eileen these days.

Leave it to me to get another story idea before I have finished editing Rainstorm. 

Our insurance paid more for my last dentist visit than we thought they would. We thought they only paid for one of the two yearly exams, but nope. They apparently cover both. All we had to pay was the $20 the special fluoride toothpaste costs. 

No bad vibes about increasing my dose, and no nightmares. Just a weird dream where somebody posted on Facebook, “Brenda drove off a bridge,” and I knew they were referring to the Brenda I dated for nearly a year in the early '90s. 

As for the grumpy old man next door, Tom and I have decided that yes, if his racket escalates, we will contact the office. We took Jesse’s shit for half a decade because we had no choice, but we’re not about to take it here. I think – and seriously hope – that it won’t come to that. I really don’t want any trouble with anyone anywhere. I just want people to keep their projects, especially the unnecessary ones, for their ears only. Lately, he seems to get noisy every three days or so. If it gets to be every day or maybe even every other day, and he’s doing it off-hours more frequently, that’s what I’ll complain. I don’t want to complain unless it’s absolutely necessary. Being annoyed is one thing, but being driven crazy is another.

Just sitting here realizing I’ve come to have a little thing for Doc O… and a list of potential silly story ideas. What is it with me and docs lately anyway? That’s 4 out of the 10 or so docs and therapists I’ve seen in this state. I don’t know that I could count my dentist, though. It’s like she’s attractive, but she’s not. I think her sweet personality is more what I’m attracted to, and not her. I sort of liked Dr. D even though I didn’t, I definitely liked Dr. C, and now there’s just something about Dr. O. Like I said, there was just something about her demeanor, though she’s still friendlier than Dr. A. 

After the doctor’s yesterday, we grabbed a burger and fries at Carl’s Jr., then went to Walmart to pick up my new prescription. I’m not starting this dose until the weekend. 

I got a heart-shaped necklace that changes colors depending on how the light hits it and a new pair of pink slippers. 

Tom did some trimming and blowing when we got home, and I wish to hell that others doing the same exact thing wouldn’t be so damn annoying to me. When he does it, it’s simply a sound in the background. When others do it, it’s a huge annoyance. I guess that when he’s making the racket, I know what’s going on and I know how long it’s going to last. But now that Bob has taken to hammering before 8 AM, I wonder how much more that’s going to go on before I am forced to go to the office to stop it. 

Seriously, how many more decades of rude, inconsiderate neighbors can I possibly take before I snap? Totally, totally snap. Although it was only for about a minute, it was very loud and it happened at 7:45 AM. You’re not supposed to make noise before 8am. What I wonder, though, is whether or not it was in regard to my music. I did have it kind of loudish while I was showering, but since I could hear him hammering over the music barely 3 yards away from my window, my guess is no. It is possible that even an older guy who’s hard of hearing could have heard it, but I don’t think so. I would have probably heard it if I was standing outside the window. 

Why do I feel like I am being spited for simply taking Virginia’s suggestion? She asked if I heard them. Well, I told Bob that yes, I could. I am coming to learn just what a mean guy this really is. Just totally rude and inconsiderate. He was never as friendly as Jim and a few others I’ve met around here, but I didn’t realize he had a blatant lack of respect and compassion for those around him. He is clearly one of those who is going to do what he’s going to do regardless of how it affects others. 

I am so fucking sick of this shit following me every single fucking place I go. Yes, I have had much worse to deal with neighbor-wise, but nobody should be hammering outside your window that early in the morning. 

Because I expect it to escalate, I have already drafted an email, which I will send to Joy if he keeps pushing me like this. I would rather an email that I can edit and that would be harder to deny than a face-to-face since there’d be a record of it. Yes, I know it is taking a risk should they be good friends with Joy or have connections in law enforcement like the freeloaders did, but sometimes we have to do what we feel is best. Life is about taking chances, isn’t it? I really hope it doesn’t come down to that, but just what did he absolutely have to hammer with such intense force at 7:45 in the morning? Tom said the walkway looks fine. I agree, from what I saw going to get the mail. There’s nothing wrong with it, so whatever he’s doing over there is not a necessary repair. This is an incredible display of rudeness and it has stamped out any last thoughts of trying to make peace with them. I’m sorry he reacted so poorly to my honesty and that he's such a sore loser, but I’m not sorry that I spoke my mind. 

There is nothing to suggest he has dementia, Alzheimer’s or anything like that, which can cause a person to turn on you. I think he’s just plain mean and inconsiderate. 

His upcoming actions will determine whether or not I contact Joy, depending on both the frequency and the time of day. It’s totally up to him at this point. I just wonder how I’m going to react when he finally starts waking me up. This isn’t 16 young people that could beat my ass in a heartbeat. This is 1 old man. 

All I know is that I don’t care anymore how much longer they’ve been here than us. And that’s fine that he wants to do things and keep active, but it shouldn’t be at my expense. I want to do things too, but other than when we’re landscaping we don’t make anybody else listen to us and I really expect the same consideration and respect in return. 

Just heard a few more bashes against something, this time softer and probably coming from the garage. It definitely wasn’t because of anything I was doing, because I don’t have any music on at all. It’s just his rude, “I’m going to do what I’m going to do and fuck the rest of the world” attitude. Really hope he does start hammering more often too early or too late because then I have definite grounds for complaint and then it will be more likely that I can do something about it.

Sure enough, Doc O feels I should be at 88 mcg. She said she can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, but really believes it’s necessary since my thyroid only puts out 50% of what it needs to and that number will probably go down in time. 

I asked her what the odds were of me being flipped from hypo to hyper, and she said the chances were very low. I told her I was going on vacation and didn’t want that playing on my mind while I was gone. She asked me when we were leaving and I told her January or February was most likely, and she said I had plenty of time to know how my body was going to tolerate it. She also reminded me that I could have an anxiety attack for any unrelated reason at any time. I agree, and as I told her, I believe the anxiety started with the levothyroxine, but other things in conjunction with it fed off of one another and I had a bit of a domino effect going for a while. 

Her mood seemed a bit different this time. Like she didn’t really want to see me. Maybe I read her wrong and maybe she was just pressed for time or upset about something else, but it almost seemed like she wasn’t exactly glad to see me. She didn’t rush me, though. I doubt it’s got anything to do with me, and this is the way she probably is most of the time, but I couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with my not being able to keep my appointment with the psychiatrist. Or maybe even my message to Doc C somehow got back to her and she finds it disturbing. Remember? People always seem to know my business as well as be connected to someone I’m no longer connected to. Like I said, I doubt it had anything to do with me personally. I was a bit surprised she didn’t comment on Tom not being present this time around. There were a few times she smiled and went off-topic, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she continues to do her job properly. 

When we were discussing anxiety and whether or not the medication was likely to cause it, she reminded me that a lot of things can get the heart pumping that has nothing to do with it. An example she used was how much she hates scary movies. 

“I love scary movies,” I told her. 

She said, “Okay, bad metaphor.” And then she said that she didn’t enjoy riding roller coasters or find watching videos of roller coasters entertaining. 

I told her spiders could get my heart going, and she knew how I felt, saying she’d recently found a black widow in her vegetable garden. I told her that it so happened that we were bombing the house at the moment. “For black widows?” she asked. 

“No,” I told her, “for any and all spiders.” 

Anyway, she doesn’t think I have anything to worry about and reminds me that going from 75 to 88 isn’t much. It’s like standing by the ocean and throwing in a salt tablet. Well, can you find your salt tablet? she asked. 

She also said she thinks I overthink things at times. I told her I think she’s right. :) 

Still, I am a bit nervous about it and I’m not going to start until the weekend when Tom will be here, even though it’s going to take time to be a problem if it’s going to be. 

She also said it makes no difference if you took two 75s one day and a 75 the rest of the week. It still equals 88 a day for a week, and no matter how you take it, it’s all the same. If I do run into any trouble, however, she said not to stop the medication. Just call her and get to the lab so they can see if there’s a connection to the levothyroxine or not. Past experience has taught me this is very important, too. I stopped the meds when I first ran into trouble and that caused me to test as hypo when I KNOW I was hyper. It just would’ve been nice if the bitch I last saw had warned me that could happen. 

I mentioned the strange throat pain I’ve had a few times and she wasn’t sure what to make of it, but suggested allergies could’ve had something to do with it. Unless it becomes a regular thing, I’m not going to worry about it. 

Out of curiosity, I asked her if the dose increase would affect my weight and told her that while I haven’t dieted recently, my weight still won’t respond to diet and exercise. She said it might help a little, but probably not much. I figured as much, but at least I don’t have to worry about gaining. Good enough for me for now, though she did say my weight was down from the last time. I was like, really? I thought it was the same. But it was down 2 pounds.

What I read yesterday about the throat pain I had, which was a lot like what I had when I was on Prozac, suggests I could have swollen lymph glands. It lasted most of the day and then it just turned itself off in an instant. Thanks to the shitty timing, I really thought the first time I had it that it was caused by the Prozac, and I even found some reports online complaining of that. New things really need to stop happening when other new things are going on so I can tell what’s what! It said that the most common causes are allergic reactions or infections. I don’t feel like I’m infected and I downed a yogurt before it came on. I’ve never had problems with these yogurts before, though. 

I only heard about 12 wallops with Bob’s beloved hammer yesterday and it was softer than usual. I’m sure there will be more to come soon enough. 

Yesterday we got a bill from my dentist charging me for the special fluoride toothpaste and part of the exam. Tom started reading off the items, saying, “Fluoride toothpaste, gum probe exam, speaks 6 languages, going on a cruise in January to see sister for first time in many years…” 

At that point, I burst out laughing because I thought he was joking. He knows that we chat along the way and that I did mention these things to both Holly and the dentist. They were quite happy for me, especially at the prospect of seeing Tammy for the first time in so long. 

Sure enough, though, it really was listed on their summary, LOL. I was surprised since that doesn’t have anything to do with my oral health. To be more precise, we may go cruising in February, and I actually speak more like 5 languages while I understand 4, and those I speak aren’t all up to speed. I’m fluent enough in ASL and Spanish, and of course, English, but my Italian is a little slow, and my German grammar is a nightmare. Still, I do well overall in Language Land. 

The only dream I remember last night was living in a house in a rural setting. It was nighttime and I saw what I knew to be the headlights of Tom’s car approaching the house. Jesse magically appeared and for some bizarre reason, I was worried that Tom would get the wrong idea when he got in. 

When Tom entered the house, however, he was all excited for me because he had this antique highchair of all things that I supposedly had been looking for. 

Later… 

We went to Target earlier. I got a pair of silk panties, some treats, pine-scented air freshener, a pack of 30 Twistables colored pencils, and a pair of pantyhose that snagged as soon as I put them on. 

I'd say it's too hot to have to worry about Bob stirring up any racket for the rest of the day, so that's good. 

Even though I shouldn't be, I'm still nervous about tomorrow's appt.

Still nervous about Monday’s appointment. It’s like I want to just get it over with but I also never want Monday to arrive. I almost feel like a kid being sent to the principal, LOL. I know what she’s going to say and it’s not going to be what I want to hear. 

No racket next door yesterday, but I’d be willing to bet just about anything that he’ll work on his damn walkway sometime over the next few days. This is a 3-day weekend for Tom, too. It’s going to alternate between 3 and 2 over the next few weeks. 

Not sure what we’re doing this weekend, but I am sure we’re changing the rats’ cage later and going out on the bikes. Monday, as we go to leave for the appointment, we’ll be bombing the place. We’ve seen some pretty big, fat and scary-looking spiders in here. The day before, we’ll bomb the shed, as that’s where the rats go when we bomb. 

Tammy called to ask what sweepstakes site I used to use. Not sure why she didn’t just ask on Facebook, but at least I got to hear that she sounds pretty good. It had been a while since I’ve heard from her anywhere. I knew she was busy with the new house, but didn’t know if she’d been sick or what. They do testing on her every few months and she has her good days and her bad, she says. I just wish she and Mark would get off the damn cigarettes. She’ll never be perfect if she quits, but she’ll be a million times better. 

Later… 

So we go out on the bikes (it’s freezing out!), pass Bob, I say hello, and he ignores me. Fine, cock. Be that way. 

Either way, I know I could go over there and make peace with them, but I’m not going to apologize for what I’m not sorry for. I would rather disagree and not speak than speak after I told them what they wanted to hear. If we were the same age and both planned to be here forever, that might be different. For now, he makes more noise than he needs to being just a few yards away from someone else’s house. Other than the contractor, no one else has made a fraction of the noise he’s made, so there’s no need or excuse for a lot of it. He chooses to do what he does and not consider those around him. When Virginia told him to ask if we could hear them doing laundry in the early mornings, he didn’t forget to ask us. It’s quite obvious that he didn’t ask us cuz he simply didn’t care. A lot of people are just like that. 

He’ll either move on in time or forever hold his grudge, probably the latter. The more I’ve gotten to know him, the more I see that they’re not the nice people I thought they were, especially him. I don’t need the “grumpy old man” shit in my life and so I’ll just ignore him back. I also don’t trust my temper either. If he says anything rude to me I’m gonna want to pop him, and I’m not going to jail for this cock just to lose my freedom, be denied my meds for who knows how long, and then have to pay a fortune. Really, I hate it when people get all pissy-assed when you let them know they’re annoying you. His wife wanted to know if they were disturbing us and I told him. I just don’t get that or why some people take things so wrong and act like you’re making an unreasonable statement or request of them. If I didn’t know any better I’d think the freeloaders in Phoenix were asked not to breathe. Meanwhile, this one’s old, it can’t be out and about that many more years, and I’m not going to let it get to me. 

Jim did say hello to us as we passed him afterward, which kind of surprised me. I would think that Bob would be quick to tell him that he now hates me and therefore he would ignore us too, but I guess not. 

Later… 

Looks like we’re back to the afternoon net games. The net just cut out when I was trying to tweet about my throat pain. Oh, and sure enough, the cock next door just started hammering. It’s not as loud as last time, but I’m sure it’ll pick up in volume and annoyance soon enough. So far I only heard like a dozen strikes, but give it time. 

As Aly pointed out, it could be that he didn’t notice me or was simply lost in thought and that may be why he didn’t at least appear to acknowledge my greeting. The guy is also hard of hearing, but I don’t care. I just don’t care. 

I am a little worried that if he’s turned against me, he’s going to turn against Tom, too. It would be incredibly rude of him to ignore Tom should they see each other outdoors, but that’s not the main point. It’s not that Tom would fall apart with a broken heart if Bob failed to return a hello, but if Bob ignores him, he may think something bad is going on other than my being annoyed by the old fart. 

Anyway, I have this mysterious throat pain when I swallow that’s similar to when I took Prozac. Swollen lymph glands and ear infections can cause this, I just read, along with some other things. It’s common. I don’t feel like I have an ear infection, though I can say I haven’t felt as energetic lately. At the same time, I’ve been up 18-19 hours the last few days. Hopefully, I’m just nervous about my appointment and Andy waking up for the second day in a row with a bad vibe concerning my health is just a coincidence. He told me about this before I even mentioned my throat pain. Chances are, nothing new is wrong with me and he’s just picking up on my appointment nervousness. 

While I’m thrilled for Tom and Andy that their problems are minimal, and while I know it’s a waste of time comparing, I can’t help but wonder why. Why have they got 1-2 conditions while I’ve got 6 or 7? Andy has high cholesterol and sleep issues, and Tom has just high BP. But I have the ear, asthma, allergies, a sleep disorder, a dead thyroid and high cholesterol. I guess I won’t count the ingrown toenail since that’s no longer an ongoing thing. 

Just saw next door’s SUV leave. Shit, it’s just Virginia. Figures. Let me guess… Bob’s about to get louder now, right? 

I do worry about encountering a whole new health problem if they can ever safely get my thyroid stuff where it should be. The only issue I have with last year’s trauma (besides the PTSD I’ve suffered on account of it) is that I wonder if it was a preparation of sorts for something worse to come. If anything worse is to come it’s got to be OMG kind of horrible since what happened was horrible enough. I had that feeling when they threw me in Florence Jail, and I was right. It was as if it was to prepare me for Estrella. And was the hotel shit to prepare me for the unemployment nightmare? 

Tom suggested I try to eat the number of calories it would take to hold me at 120 pounds, saying I’d lose weight if I stuck to it. He’s trying to lose weight himself, but I’ve totally given up. It’s hopeless and I know it. One site told me that for a woman my height, weight and age with moderate activity it takes 1993.5 calories to maintain 150 pounds, though with Hashimoto’s I’d gain on that amount easily. 120 takes 1797 and 110 takes 1732.5 while 100 takes 1666.5. They’re WAY off. I could maintain 150 on that last one, but I still say 1200 would hold me at 120. 

Not. Very. Doable. 

Another site says I need to eat 1150-1350 to lose (which is more reasonable) but doesn't tell me what I need to eat to maintain a lower weight. Maybe I'll go with 1300. Not super easy but more doable than 1000 or so. Or maybe I’ll just accept that I am the size I was meant to be.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately (probably because I’m nervous about Monday’s appointment). so I am kind of tired. I’m also still pissed over next door’s racket yesterday and his I don’t give a shit attitude. I went to bed deciding that was it. No longer would I be the considerate one. The quiet one. The respectful one. I’m giving it all back. As soon as the hammering starts, I will open the window and blast the shit out of my music. 

But then I felt a little hesitant to do so because I don’t want to annoy innocent people around here who have nothing to do with it, not that anyone will complain on me since it would be the daytime and no one seems to mind noisy neighbors in the west. I also hesitate a bit because I want to be obvious without being that obvious. Maybe I should wait for two or three more hammering sprees before I give it back? I also don’t want to disturb his wife, who is always quiet. Then again, how could I? If she’s ok with his racket, she not only would be ok with mine, but she couldn’t hear my music inside their house anyway. Eh, they won’t care about my music even if they could hear it. Even Virginia said not to worry about that, to open the window, do what I want, etc.

I still can’t believe he suggested I consider getting an office because he’s going to be making noise from time to time over there. That is just so fucking rude and I don’t care what anybody says. I realized that just because most people wouldn’t consider him rude and would consider his racket normal daytime noise, as long as I consider it rude and distracting, then that’s exactly what it is. At least to me, it is. We all perceive things differently, and well, is there really any right or wrong way to perceive things? IMO, he’s loud, rude, distracting and annoying when he hammers and uses loud power tools, especially when it’s on unnecessary projects. I understand that replacing a damaged brick walkway is necessary, but just as I suspected it would, it’s going to take weeks, if not months, and it’s still annoying either way. Pretty sure I saw a bunch of bricks piled up against this back wall, too. 

He wasn’t the only one pissing me off yesterday. Now that the leaves are coming down faster there’s been more landscaping. I heard scattered bursts of blowers on and off most of yesterday. Very loud and very annoying. I’m not going to open my window and blast music every single weekday, so maybe my best bet, since my laptop is portable, is to work in whichever room is quietest at the moment. Maybe I’ll just work in the laundry room when I’m up during the hours of 8am - 4pm. That contractor is easier to hear in there, but he’s easier to drown out than Bob is, and the laundry room is farther from Bob than the living room and bedroom. Besides, I haven’t heard any sawing from that guy in months. 

All in all, Bob shouldn’t have the right to build unnecessary birdhouses unless he makes sure others can’t hear him, but he does have the right to repair his walkway, like it or not. 

Meanwhile, he’s 86. How many more years could he possibly have the energy and strength of a 20-something? I should be glad for the noise they don’t make. They hardly ever have company. They don’t have brats over there that aren’t supposed to be there. They don’t have mutts. They don’t have a motorcycle or other vehicle that’s overly loud. 

Got my new rat ring yesterday and I love it! It’s super cute and comfy. 

Later… 

Since I’m stuck in my secondary office and I’m limited as to what I can do right now, I thought I would just go on a private bitchfest. I try to keep positive stuff public and negative stuff private. I don’t need anyone judging me on the things that bother me. Like punching someone in the gut that has a stomachache. 

I have equipped my laundry room office with a stash of water, incense and some mint lip balm. I even wheeled in my comfy chair. I took Alexa in here to play nature sounds and I also have an earplug in. Shitty way to have to live, but as long as Bob’s alive and able-bodied, he could go months without making a racket, or he could do it regularly. All I know is that right or wrong, I’m sick of hearing it. 

Initially, I thought I would wait until he started his shit before running into the laundry room, but I would rather just work there during the daytime and not know when he starts this shit. Ignorance really is bliss at times, and what I don’t know can’t piss me off. On the other hand, if I could know exactly when he was going to act up and I could mark it on the calendar, knowing what was coming when would make it easier to deal with because then I would know upfront how many days it would be worth coming in here. This is still a better place in the daytime because it gets me further away from the landscapers. Some of them, anyway. The other day they didn’t even wait till 8 o’clock to start up. 

A part of me started to think, aw, it’s too bad we’re not on better terms. We’re going to be neighbors for another decade or so. But then I remember his classic Western I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude and his rude comments about getting an office. 

Yeah? Why don’t you pay for that office, Bob? And why don’t you even drive me there, too. 

Argh! If it’s a sin to want to slap an 86-year-old man, then I’m going to hell if there is one. 

Let me guess… Virginia is just as pissed as he is. No way she would say something like what Tom would say which would be something like, “Well, it is kind of loud.” 

I’m just so pissed off because again, I’m limited as to what I can do. I can’t watch TV because of the sound machine, yet the TV wouldn’t be enough to drown out any hammering or sawing. Too bad I’m not into role-playing. I could just lose myself in fantasy for the next six hours, LOL. 

I’m not going to be able to proofread this with the text reader because that too, requires a quiet background. I guess I will have my nighttime activities and I will have my daytime activities. This will have to be posted later on. 

Did some surveys and read some other people’s journals.

Not much new to update on. Just that I had weird dreams instead of negative ones for a change. I dreamed that Tom and I were hanging out and I asked Alexa what the temp was to be that day. She said 128°, LOL. 

Then I had a second dream where I was telling Tom about the first dream, and then I suddenly asked, “Is that the flag?” when I heard this rattling sound. He said it was, and I knew it was windy out by the way the pole rattled in its holder. 

Then I walked into this small but sparsely furnished room supposedly in our home. It seemed to have hardwood floors. A rat was sleeping in a cage against the back wall, and the room’s single window toward the right was open. 

Later… 

I am so fucking pissed now. It was a horribly noisy morning. The landscapers are coming around more and more now that the leaves are coming down faster, and Bob is STILL working on the fucking walkway. 

When I went out to ask him if he was still working on it (to see if he would tell me how much longer it would take) he asked if he was bugging me. I casually mentioned working and he asked where I worked. I told him I usually work in the living room but would take my laptop in the other room. Then he tells me that he’s going to be making noise from time to time over there and that I might want to consider getting an office. 

Gee, thanks a lot, Bob. Really that is just so fucking rude and inconsiderate, even if most people wouldn’t think so. Ok, so technically, he does have a right to repair his damn walkway. He also has the right to do unnecessary projects like beat out some birdhouses for his grandkids. Rude or not, like it or not, daytime noise simply is acceptable. I can’t expect him to stop living his life just because he’s annoying the fuck out of me. 

It was just his “fuck you, I don’t give a shit” attitude that got to me. At least that’s the way he seemed to come off to me anyway. Perhaps I would have the same attitude if I were here first, but that’s not the point at least in my mind. In my mind, it is just so fucking distracting and annoying, not to mention unfair. We don’t make him listen to us nearly as much. I just hope that now that he’s irritated with me (unless I’m reading him wrong) he doesn’t actually set out to make more noise. Even so, I know I should do what I should have done decades ago… accept that my neighbors are going to be noisy at times, some worse than others. I’m simply not meant to have lazy neighbors who like to sit indoors in front of a TV all day or online (they don’t even have a computer, as I suspected) any more than I was meant to be tall. I was meant to have outdoorsy neighbors who always like to do loud projects, and if it weren’t this, then it would just be noisy company. Even Tom said…I did know that the garage was there when we moved in here. Yeah, but I didn’t know that so many people around here were going to use their garages as little workshops. 

I take some solace in knowing that this guy can’t live THAT much longer. Will he really be hammering away like this when he hits his 90s four years from now? I just fear that if we’re still here when they do die, the next people will be a lot worse. It just doesn’t matter what I get for neighbors. Whoever’s closest to me is the noisiest or at least runner-up. Doesn’t seem to matter what age, gender or color. You can be a young welfare bum, a middle-aged woman, or an old man and you’re still going to drive me crazy at times if you’re the one next to me. I always look around at different locations within the park when I’m out and about and wonder if that particular place would be quieter. But I know that if I lived there it wouldn’t be, and it might even be worse.

I had very negative dreams last night filled with much desperation. The question is, were they fueled by my upcoming doctor's appointment? Are they a sign that trouble is ahead? Or were they simply just because? 

If I don’t hear from you for a long time on Facebook, I delete you. Two recent deletions were Jessie and Kim. Then yesterday Kim messaged me to say that she was not only still recovering and undergoing physical therapy for a car accident she was in two years ago, but she was just in another one and is hardly ever on Facebook. I think it’s time for her to spend less time driving and more time on Facebook in her case. This is the third accident that I know of. She rear-ended her boyfriend one time back in the 90s, LOL. 

I caught Bob and Jim on their morning walk yesterday and gave Bob his mail. 

We ordered some more bedding for the rats, plus I ordered a set of six glow-in-the-dark nail polishes, a tiny rat ring, and neon pencils. I got the pencils and they’re way overpriced and under-neoned. The pink is bright and the orange is somewhat bright, but the green and yellow look like barely visible pastels. 

It’s supposed to drop to just 51° this morning, so I have opted to run indoors instead of ride outdoors. If it’s breezy out that makes it worse, and it is a bit breezy this morning. 

When I looked at the map and the areas of the country they expect to be wetter this winter, we’re right smack on the edge of the line between wetter and warmer. So I guess it could go either way for us.

I saw a movie about a happily married woman who was a sex addict. She had it all… Great family, great career, great everything. While I was never a sex addict, the movie brought me back to the 90s and some of the shit I went through back then trying to get more sex from Tom only to feel rejected in the end. Also, trying to conceive the child I once wanted so badly. There is nothing more humiliating than knowing you were considered attractive by society’s standards (would I have been a T&A dancer if I wasn’t?) just to have to practically beg your husband for sex. 

Although I knew deep down from a logical standpoint that he was the one with the problem, it really has a way of making a woman feel less than attractive. I could have gotten just about any man in those days, not that I would want them, but the one person I loved enough to marry, definitely left me feeling deprived and neglected in that department a lot of the time until I got older and my own appetite began to fizzle out as my aging hormones died off. I know the Hashimoto’s has affected it as well. 

There is nothing more frustrating and depressing than wanting something so bad that you can never have. Knowing that it was such a normal, everyday fact of life made me want to beat my head into the wall all the harder. I wasn’t asking for a million bucks. I wasn’t asking for a mansion on a private island. I just wanted a normal sex life and a child. That, on top of a lot of other shit I went through in life, is what convinced me that I was absolutely nothing in the eyes of God, should one actually exist. The legal revenge sought on me 15 years ago was the final straw. The poverty trip of the '00s really slammed the nail into the coffin as far as me ever forgiving any possible God up there. No matter how many good things await me in my future, I will always loathe the hell out of God. There is only so much we can forgive. He could’ve prevented a lot of what I went through, yet He chose to sit back and let it happen. Again, this is if he even exists. I understand that there is still a chance that there may be absolutely nothing up there and that the things that happen to us are simply random events. 

If Helen hadn’t shown me that literature to prove that Tom really did have a genuine sexual problem, I may still believe to this day that he purposely allowed himself to get hard but made sure he didn’t cum most of the time. I totally believe without a doubt that he truly did have this problem; I just think that it was a problem he was glad to have. I think it was hard for him to say no to something he knew I wanted, and that if you wanted a kid as bad as I once did, he would’ve sought help for his problem. But the fact that he knew he had a problem and wasn’t willing to do anything about it, well, that pretty much tells you something right there. 

I’m glad in the end that my desire for a child faded with time and age, but I will forever resent what I had to go through. Random event or a punishing God at work, it was utterly depressing and frustrating and it had a way of making me feel like a real freak at the time, no matter how much you know it’s not your fault. Tom led me to believe that it was at times, intentional or not, but I know it was nothing I said or did. He was the one who had a physical problem that affected him sexually. I’m sure he’s always had this and always will. Kudos to you, however, if you have a problem you’re okay with because I would think most people would go out of their minds if they could get excited but not get off. That would leave me personally feeling beyond frustrated and teased to hell and back. 

It was like I swapped roles once I got with Tom. My exes wanted more sex than I wanted, and it was just the opposite with Tom. No matter whom I may or may not lust for, Tom is definitely the only one I have ever truly loved. You’ve got to love someone to stay with them given the way our barely existent sex life was. I think most people would have left him over it. Sex is more important to most people than it is to me. Sure it was much more important to me when I was younger, but I guess I just don’t see the world through the same eyes that most people do. 

Tom and I have been more like damn good friends for many years now and I don’t know that I could ever get myself interested in having sex with him again if he suddenly wanted it. I don’t even know if a gorgeous woman (the gender I’m still predominantly attracted to) could do the trick for me. Sometimes it bothers me that that doesn’t bother me. But I guess in the end I’m just a little more willing to accept myself as I am than most people would be. 

Later… 

My dreams have taken a very negative turn and have been filled with lots of desperation. It’s the usual hotel and poverty bullshit. In the first dream, I didn’t know Tom and I was on disability again and about to be kicked off. But this time I had no loving husband to fall back on. 

I asked to meet some guy over the phone that I knew as a neighbor-friend, but when he insulted me by asking if I just wanted to “hound” him, which I knew to mean burden him with my troubles, I didn’t bother meeting him. 

My mother was in one part of the dream and I was also living in a hotel. The last of my money was running out fast and I knew I had to find a job and then miraculously figure out a way to hold my schedule so I could keep the damn job. I talked to one of the hotel staff (probably in the housekeeping department) and asked if she could help me out by giving me a job. She said, “What are you going to do? Expect to save enough to get a place of your own?” 

I told her that I was planning on staying indefinitely at the hotel, knowing that the job wouldn’t pay enough to support a place of my own. I asked again if she could help me out and she said, “Yeah,” but before she could give me any details, someone came up to her with something urgent they needed to discuss with her. 

At this point, I woke up for a bit, and then when I fell back asleep the damn dream continued. This time, however, I knew Tom. He was staying in the same hotel, just not in the same room for some reason. My body was getting weak with hunger and I went to the room in which I thought he was staying. I pushed the unlocked door open, but when I saw that both beds were occupied, I realized that wasn’t his room. I then ran back to my room to call Tom, but the call wouldn’t go through. Instead, I kept getting these weird messages. Frustrated and hungry, I went to the hotel’s restaurant and just as a waitress came to take my order, I managed to get ahold of Tom. I told the waitress to wait a bit, and then I was walking with Tom to his room an instant later. “Ever feel like something’s trying to keep us apart?” I asked him. 

“Yes,” he said. 

Then I said something like, “All for trying to make things better.”

Wow, another house went up for sale down the street and they’re asking $170,000 for it. It goes to show we truly did move at the right time. You’d never get the kind of deal we got on this house now that the economy has improved as much as it has. 

We got a piece of Bob and Virginia’s mail, which I’ll bring to them in the morning. I don’t know why Tom didn’t just bring it over when he picked up the mail, but I don’t mind bringing it over. I just hope that if anybody around here gets a piece of our mail they will care enough to do the same for us. 

Yesterday my allergies were the worst they’ve been in the 2 years and 2 months we’ve lived here. I hadn’t had any problems and so I dropped my nasal spray down to once a week. Got to make that twice a week from now on. 

I hate it when people make a statement without elaborating, leaving me to have to guess at the millions of possibilities the statement could mean. Really wish people would just come out and tell me things. Really, it’s like just say something if you have something to say, and do it with enough explanation for me to understand why you made your statement in the first place. You don’t need me to prompt you to go on. Tom and a few others I know are like that and as harmless as it is, it frustrates me at times. 

He will say something like, “Work sucked today.” Naturally, I am expected to pump in for more information by asking how it sucked. And then I end up telling him, “Now couldn’t you just have come out and said ‘work sucked today because blah, blah, blah?”’

Hard to believe my youngest niece just turned 25. The last time I saw her she was in diapers and couldn’t even talk. Hopefully, I am only a matter of months away from seeing her and other family members, and no medical drama gets in the way of that. 

My dreams turned negative just hours before picking up my health test scores online yesterday. It’s the usual shit I have when things aren’t running smoothly… poverty, being stuck in places I don’t want to be, etc. As long as I’m not falling from 20-foot shower stalls, getting my throat slit, or stuck in riots, I should be okay. My experience, however, has been that the worse shit I go through in my dreams, the worse shit I am likely to go through when I’m awake. Everything else in life is fine, though, except for those damn numbers. 

In last night’s dreams, it was noisy neighbors and a strange duplex with no solid wall between us. The noisy neighbor was repairing skirting around their home, but in reality, none of these houses have skirting because they’re set at ground level. 

The duplex was weird. The wall that ran between the two stopped about 3 feet from the front exterior wall. I could peer around that wall, down a narrow hallway, and into their kitchen. I guess a couple with noisy brats lived there. I peeked in late one night and there was just enough light to see most of the room since they left a small light on, probably over the stove. It was a big kitchen and very orderly. It might have had blue wallpaper with some kind of design.

My numbers were posted today and while they’re not bad, they’re not good either. My TSH is up to 10.61 from 8.35, and my T4 is down from 1.4 to 1.1. 

I’m not surprised, as frustrating as this is. Just had a bad feeling, and I’ve also been a little more hypo lately... dry skin that goes beyond being older and living in the high desert, dry hair that breaks off or falls out, feeling cold at times even when it says it's 77° in here, struggling to keep my weight down, feeling lightheaded at times... 

I can live with being overweight, but I do NOT want to get obese. Might not have much choice in the end, though. Hashimoto’s controls us more than we control it in some ways. I just wonder how many more years my antibodies are going to have these anger issues with my thyroid and feel the need to bully the thing as much as I bullied my poor classmates in grade school. 

What scares me the most is knowing that the doctor’s going to want to bump me up to 88 mcgs. Tom doesn’t think I have anything to worry about, but I’d worry about all that horrible heart-pounding anxiety returning. It was literally artificial terror and not something you can just “turn off” at will, no matter how much you may come to understand what’s going on. It’s like smoking a joint and trying to tell yourself not to feel high. So telling yourself to “calm down” when you’re adrenaline’s pumping simply isn’t an option. 

Tom saw next door’s walkway when he was out watering earlier and said it looked like Bob finished it while I was on nights. Hopefully, he’ll take a few months off before the next project. 

My dreams were negative last night. Perhaps a sign of the bad number report? The only neutral one was a voice message from Bob P, who I knew when I lived in S Deerfield, MA in the '90s and who died in prison in 2006. I don’t remember what he was saying, though. 

In another dream, we lived in a house that looked nothing like ours (as usual), and for some strange reason, I had fallen asleep on the floor by the front door. I was suddenly startled awake by the sounds of someone just beyond the door, and my first thought was that Tom had come home from work. Then I realized that they were making this ongoing struggling sound that suggested they were trying to break in, and I remembered hearing about a rash of break-ins in the area. 

Torn between throwing the door open and surprising them or running out back, I decided my fists and my own anger issues would be worthless against any weapons, so I grabbed my cell and ran out back to dial up the bacon. 

Then I had another negative dream where I was told that we might have to rent a place. I knew this meant we were in the poorhouse again and could no longer afford to own. The strange thing was that I seemed to live with my mother and not my husband. I totally hated the thought of returning to the mainstream where you hear a helluva lot more than you do in a retirement community even on its noisiest of days, so I tried to look at the positives to renting instead. No having to pay for things that broke and things like that. I still wasn’t happy with the idea of renting.

Sat down to make out the grocery list as I do every Friday, and I asked myself, “Which would you prefer… a menu closer to 1000 calories a day which will drop you the same few pounds you keep on regaining because you know damn well you can’t stick to 1000 calories for more than a few days or a nice comfy 1500 cals that’ll keep you 30 pounds overweight so long as you work out?” 

I chose the latter… keep the fat, avoid the hunger/fatigue, and take the damn 400-500 extra cals. :) 

Since Tom needed to take the six days of vacation time he has accrued for the rest of the year, we had to decide on six long weekends or taking it all at once. I told him that since we didn’t have any projects going on that would take more than a day or two to complete, it was totally up to him. He decided on six long weekends. 

Although it’s not always perfect, I still can’t believe there’s a program that will type everything I say. I would have killed to have this in the '80s and '90s. 

I had a dream that some younger woman who was laying on a couch and about to take a nap and that has been a well-known celebrity of sorts, said to me as I sat on the edge of the couch, “I have millions of dollars yet I still don’t have it all in life.” I somehow knew that she meant that she hadn’t yet found love. I leaned down and hugged her and said, “Te amo.” 

Then I dreamed we lived in a place with two floors. Tom and Andy were upstairs watching TV and I was on my way out of the downstairs bathroom to go up and join them when I spotted a big gnat flying around on the floor. I wanted to kill it before I went upstairs but it kept getting away from me. 

I wonder if Bob’s been working on the walkway while I’ve been asleep this week, or if something up there is “conveniently” having him wait till I’m back on days again.