Last night I was bored out of my fucking mind. My mind flashed through all kinds of writing projects and other ideas yet not a single one of them appealed to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t come up with some basic story ideas. I just couldn’t motivate myself to actually put them in print.

I found myself a touch anxious and depressed, obsessively worrying about the future as I tend to do way more often the older I get. Trying to tell myself not to worry about the end of our lives because that time isn’t here yet and I can’t control it anyway just doesn’t always work. Trying to distract myself in a productive way isn’t always that easy either.

I still miss some aspects of and feelings my old self would experience, but then I know I should be glad that my worst problem in life is being bored and not finding things as new and as exciting since I’ve been there, done that, etc. Most new things I would like to try simply can’t be done at the snap of my fingers just because I may be in the mood and have the time.

I’m going to try doing a puzzle walk at the start of every hour. Hopefully, that will keep me from having too much free time on my hands while being beneficial to my health at the same time.

I read an article the other day that said that weight loss and aging are actually not normal, but a sign that something is wrong. This does make sense when you think about it, too. The metabolism only keeps getting slower with age. Not the other way around. But there definitely does seem to be a loss of appetite in older people for a variety of reasons. I’m already noticing a slight decrease in appetite now that I no longer have PMS hunger to deal with and then the hunger that often comes with perimenopause. Not a 1000-calorie-a-day kind of appetite, but I find it’s easier to go down to 1200-1500 rather than 1500-2000. Even so, that’s still too high for weight loss as a short female with a bum thyroid.

I realized a couple of days ago that I no longer get dizzy when I lie down or get up. Those ear crystals must have found their way back home.

It’s Aly I’m worried about. She’s been through so much shit for as long as I’ve known her, and while I know life isn’t fair and I shouldn’t let it get to me, I can’t help but find myself comparing her to Kim every now and then and getting angry. Here you have this great person who has one thing after another while the insane person who has no ability to feel empathy, guilt or remorse much less any ambitions in life other than to live in a fantasy world gets off easy. She sleeps like a baby, she’s never had cancer, she’s never had any stomach issues, she shouldn’t need a hysterectomy anytime soon if ever, and of course, Novasure was a complete success for her. It just hardly seems fair any more than why it always has to be me who doesn’t get to live in peace. Everyone else either has a quiet place or they don’t mind it if it’s noisy. That’s just life for you. the murderer always wins the lottery while the good people struggle and suffer.

There are at least some new and exciting things to look forward to, though, and that’s likely to be the RoboRock we’ll probably order in about a week. This is a combination vacuum and mop robot and is less expensive as well at just over $300. We checked all the particulars on how it functions, including reviews, and now we’re going to sit on it for a week or so since we don’t want to make impulse purchases, and if this still seems to be our best deal at that time, we’ll probably get it. Our old one can be used for other projects. Sometimes it’s easy to drop some bedding and turds when we go outside to shake out the pigs’ liners, and it can be used to sweep up little things in the carport.

Went back to separate books for what I share with the public versus what I keep private on PB. It was just too much of a pain in the ass to break them up into separate parts.

I didn’t sleep as well last night. I woke up many times and even had another spider nightmare. This one wasn’t super-sized or anything. I was lying in bed and watching it move across the ceiling. Then it started to fall down on its web on me and it’s like I was paralyzed, unable to move out of the way.

Then I dreamed of staying in a large house with many rooms. The drama queen was in the room next to me and not too far from us was our cousin Philip. Philip and I had some kind of problem and I later overheard him telling Tammy that he hid a note for her inside his pants that he placed on her bed. When Tammy was out of the room, I quickly snuck in and pulled a sheet of paper out of the pair of jeans that was laid out. I was curious to see if he mentioned whatever problem we had but found that he didn’t.

Then my PCP was visiting in the last dream and she wanted to take a picture of my dresser because she thought it was decorated so cutely. I told Alexa to turn on the light since the room wasn’t very bright at the moment, and she ignored me as she usually does in dreams. But the second time around she listened to me when I told her to turn on “dawn.”