Going to end up having 6 anxious days in January and tomorrow will be my third skip since I still don’t feel 100% better. I have zero hope of ever overcoming this. The old me really is gone forever. I feel like I’m being punished for some horrible thing I never did.

Going to try a new experiment where I skip every other week no matter how I feel to see if that prevents it from occurring in the first place.

I found two cases of two different doctors online that say it’s better to skip your thyroid meds if you forget a dose rather than double up and risk ODing. So once again, my doctor lied by saying I shouldn’t have had the problems I had back when I thought I double-dosed. Even Doc O told me to double up the next day if I forgot a dose. Now that I know that yes, you can OD on an extra dose even if it may not be lethal, maybe I really did double dose after all when I first started having problems even though it’s unlikely. I’ll never know. I just know that at this point it really is either the medication or something in my brain chemistry that went wrong around the time I started it since I can’t blame it on changing hormones anymore since they’ve already changed. So unless they changed for the absolute worst, I still say most of it has always been on the meds.

There’s this older woman in Arizona that I’ve become cyber friends with on PB. She says that not only was the mammogram she had done just shy of her 50th birthday in the late 90s painful but when they detected a suspicious spot, she said the needle biopsy hurt more than the natural births of her two kids combined. Precisely why I don’t bother with mamos!

If skipping again tomorrow doesn’t help, then the problem is likely the new statins. I’m not gonna pay $75 for the more expensive brand that doesn’t make me as anxious if that’s what it is, even if it’s for 3 months’ worth, so gonna quit statins if skipping the Levo doesn’t help. Not worth feeling miserable to maybe prevent a heart attack/stroke I may never have. If something doesn’t have symptoms, I would rather just let it kill me than put myself through painful testing and medication that may backfire on me. I’ve lived long enough, I don’t have any dependents, and I know Tom would get by just fine being the hermit that he is. When he says he could easily never go out again in his life and have everything he needed delivered to him, I totally believe that. Nothing wrong with that contrary to what judgemental people like Andy may believe as we are who we are and we’re not all the same. Me, I do like to get out at least once a week but with the pandemic, it’s stupid to take unnecessary risks other than a trip out to Rite Aid every now and then. We’ll probably go there either this morning or tomorrow morning.

Shit. I forgot the food. Sugary treats and frozen pizza can fuel my anxiety, both of which I’ve had, especially when I’m due for a levo skip. Tom also thinks it’s partly my schedule and being alone too long because he slept longer than expected. I just hope tomorrow is a better day! I’ll definitely go back to eating healthy and skip another dose. Better to miss variety in my diet than to suffer. But if I’m still anxious tomorrow then I’m really going to start wondering about those statins even though I tend to agree with Tom in that they shouldn’t cause that compared to something like the thyroid medication.

Later…

Slept long and well. No nightmares. I feel better. I think. It’s too early in my day to get my hopes up but it’s looking like yeah, it was just another one of those wonderful thyroid storms that most doctors will tell you don’t exist. If, however, I do get anxious later on, I’m going to stop the statins for a week and see how I do. Then I’ll start them back up and we’ll see what happens. But it’s looking like we were right about those not being the culprit. I never truly thought they were but it’s too soon to get my happy dance on. Don’t wanna jinx things by jumping the gun but yeah, I’m better. I feel it. Actually, it’s what I don’t feel. That God-awful adrenaline kick in my chest.

Now if only Tom’s back could get better too! And my bestie’s belly.

Decided I am going to go ahead and do automatic skips on or around the 1st and 15th of each month to see if it wards off the anxiety in the first place. I won’t skip tomorrow because I skipped today. If doing this helps, that would not only be a huge relief for me but it would also confirm the poison as the main culprit even more. The only two Levo side effects I’ve ever had that went away were lightheadedness and hair loss.

Got an idea for another long-term project after I finish running journals through Grammarly and all that. Well, who says I have to wait until I’m dead to publish them? All I have to do is pull out sensitive info by going through them one by one.

Ugh, last night was not a fun night. I was wound up all night even though I skipped my meds. I realize that levothyroxine doesn’t leave the system that fast, but a horrible thought came over me. What if it’s connected to the new brand of statins I started a few days ago? That’s about when it started too. Really hope it’s just a typical anxiety spell connected to the thyroid meds building up in my system and nothing more! It seemed like I couldn’t get much relief no matter what I did. Yoga, tapping, acupuncture…

Tom being awake when I’m feeling shitty helps even though it doesn’t. I mean his presence can’t magically make it go away but it’s still nice to have him around. He’s decided that on account of his back issues, he’s going to try sleeping in spurts. That would be fun! Then he’s not awake long enough where I feel like I don’t have enough alone time yet he’s not asleep long enough for me to feel like I have too much of it either.

Emotional suffering is definitely way worse than physical suffering. You would think that it would be the other way around if it’s simply a thought or an emotion, but it’s not. It was definitely a lot more emotional than physical too. I didn’t actually feel waves of adrenaline stabbing me in the chest so much as that feeling. The one that’s very hard to describe. I’m not sure if depressed or anxious is the right word but I guess it’s a mix of both. Just that feeling of things not being right. A sense of unhappiness and insecurity and the fear of having to deal with this on and off for the rest of my life.

I created a new Twitter account just to log my health and moods. I don’t know if I’ll stick with it but we’ll see. I’m also curious to see if Aly blocks it from her other account or if she figures it would be pointless if I already know about the account.

Part of the scab that had formed over the largest red spot on my lower leg peeled off but it’s just as red as it has been.

We got some papers from the park and I don’t understand why. It contains the same info we went over when we first moved in here.

Decided to get a drill with an LED light in it. I would have preferred to get just one lighted drill but since accessories usually come with other things, there are actually three different lighted drills, and the cutest drills of all are colorful polka-dotted drills with large “diamonds” on top of them. Plus, I’ve got more trays and glue.

Had a bunch of weird dreams. A couple of them were bordering on nightmares that I also hope aren’t connected to the new brand of statins. Really hope I don’t have to take only the last brand I took because that one was more expensive at $75. But I definitely slept shitty, waking up every hour or two.

In one dream, one of my uncles (Ronnie?) was old, feeble, and walking on crutches. I was in a fairly decent-sized room with a bed, a table, and other items. Tom was asleep on the bed and someone was sitting at the table. I think it was a woman.

As soon as I spotted him, I frowned with anger and approached him. “Hey,” I said, “let’s see you bully and threaten me now. Go on, threaten me.” All the while I was taunting him as he would with me when I was just a kid, I poked him in the shoulder.

He looked meekly down at the floor without saying a word.

Finally, I said, “I didn’t think so,” and just as I turned to walk away, I saw anger and determination take over his features and he began to follow me. For some reason, this scared me and I quickly moved away even though he could barely walk even with crutches, and one swift punch or kick would have sent him into oblivion.

I kept hoping Tom would wake up as I began to turn it into a game of sorts and taunt the guy with a game of Catch Me if You Can but he never woke up. Then I picked up my mug of coffee from the table and threw it at him just to find it empty before I woke up.

Then I had another scary dream about swimming in a pool as the plastic pool cover was closing and racing towards the end to jump out before it could trap me.

In the last dream, I didn’t seem to know Tom. I lived in an apartment building by myself. I don’t know how many floors there were but I was at least four or five floors up. The guy that owned the building offered me two apartments that were next to each other for $900 a month even though I seemed to mostly live in just one of them. I was very grateful because I knew that this meant I would only have to worry about noise coming from whoever was across the hall and below me.

I thought of having my parents send the rent checks after I gave them the money each month but then realized that was silly because all I had to do was open a checking account.

There was some kind of restaurant down in the lobby where I ended up talking to a younger woman whom I hadn’t been very close to in the past. Yet we were getting along better and I asked her where the closest bank was, reminding her that I didn’t drive.

She said there was one not too far and that she wouldn’t mind walking me over to it. I thanked her and asked if she would be willing to wait while I ran back upstairs with something I was holding in my hand and she said she would.

So I ran upstairs and reached down to slip a key into a lock that was at the side of a thick mat. But then I realized that was silly since that wouldn’t let me into the apartment. I then unlocked the door of the apartment I occupied the least, suddenly finding them connected. I walked through its living room and into the kitchen of the apartment I had most of my stuff in and was pissed at myself when I found I left my refrigerator door open. I shut it and then went into the bathroom to pee. Then I decided I would hold it in and wait till I got back since it took longer to pee as an older person, and I didn’t want to make the woman wait too long for me.

I can tell the rain has stopped just by the planes I’m hearing along with the freeway. I guess it’s going to be partly cloudy for the next couple of days and then we’ll get a couple more days of rain before the typical sunny, dry weather returns.

My heart wasn’t racing but I felt a little off emotionally yesterday, so I skipped my meds today. Still not a hundred percent sure there’s a connection but I’d say it’s pretty damn likely. Only after I began the medication did things change, and the side effects I’ve had are listed as side effects on valid medical sites proving even more that the doctors that deny the side effects are full of shit for whatever reason. I’m guessing to make their lives easier? It’s always less work to sweep something under the carpet rather than to deal with it. He believes it will go away someday but I think I’ll struggle with it on and off for the rest of my life and that the pre-Hashimoto’s me is never coming back. The one that only felt bad, sad, stressed, or whatever due to something that was going on. Plus, our hormones and body chemistry do change with age and I still have thyroid issues so it’s not totally on the meds.

My doctor is still out, and I hope she hasn’t caught the virus! But someone covering her messages finally got back to me and said she saw no reason to repeat labs before the doctor sees me in April so that’s good. :-) Things rarely go our way but I’m still hoping that when I do see her, if she does order labs, I’ll be able to tell her, “Sorry, but we got an offer on our house and have one foot out the door. I’ll take care of it in the next state!”

I had a dream that we had a two-story house but it was still in this park. Or at least some park. The windows were open and as I was heading upstairs, I heard what sounded like arguing. So I stepped into one of the bedrooms and looked out the window to see a small group of people had gathered by a stage that was being set up for a concert that was to perform that evening. I was pissed because I knew it would be annoying but hopeful that I wouldn’t hear as much of it if I remained on the other side of the house.

Then I went to call my mother for the first time in a long time but forgot her number. In the dream, she was living in Port St Lucie and I called Information and they put me through to her. However, I got a busy signal. So then I called back and she answered. I said “hello” and was greeted with silence though I knew she was still there.

“It’s me,” I told her. But she still said nothing.

Leave it to murderer OJ Simpson to get vaccinated before we do.

Signing in with some peppermint tea on what’s going on our third day of rain. Just finished a yoga session after doing a quick run on the treadmill. Oh, that damn middle-aged belly fat! Really hinders my flexibility when it comes to bending forward but there isn’t much most of us can do about that since it isn’t just about thyroids and age but genetics as well. Plus, some of us hate diets. LOL, that’s exactly why I ordered a bag of assorted chocolates with tomorrow’s groceries. Either way, my lower gut seems to be more bloated than usual but I don’t have any pain or discomfort in any way so I’m not worried about it.

Tom, on the other hand, has been suffering excruciating sciatic pain and today he got a pillow just for that. In his research, he learned that as we age, especially if you’re a guy, your ass flattens and therefore you’re sitting on the nerves more so than when you have cushion around that area.

We definitely seem to gain and lose various areas as we age. I can’t say that I have a bubble butt but I still have a nicely rounded ass that most people might consider one of my better physical traits along with my boobs. A woman’s hips and thighs definitely do seem to slim down with age but then you get that spare tire. These days I’m all tits and tummy.

My diamond painting accessory kit came today so I’m looking forward to playing around with that later on as well as doing some coloring with my new pencils.

The more I see just how many months so many homes remain on the market, the more concerned I get that we’re not getting out of here anytime soon. It always seems that the more I want out of a particular place, the longer I’m stuck there. I’ve had a bad feeling that something up there doesn’t want me leaving a place that’s noisy most of the time, so we’ll find out soon enough if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being ridiculously paranoid. But with so many manufactured homes on the market for around half a year, how the hell can we expect to put this place on the market in March and be gone by May or June?

Well, I’m not going to try to move or fight to get out of here for so many years. It’s either meant to be or it’s not and if it’s not I would rather just gut this place and make it our forever home if this is where I’m meant to be. Sure hope it doesn’t come down to that, though! Either way, this is fucking ridiculous. This only happens to me. Who the hell else is stuck in a place for 7.5 years? So yeah, sometimes I wonder if something up there is telling me something as much as I don’t want to hear it. That this is my place and where I was meant to be. The whole thing reminds me of that song Hotel California. I checked out years ago but it seems I can never leave.

I’ve been tired ever since I got up in the early afternoon. I guess I’m just stressing too much over my appointments that I’m not sleeping well. Time to try to take Tom’s advice and quit worrying about my schedule for a while and just sleep when I need to without forcing myself to get up too soon.

Feeling a little down tonight as well though I’m not sure why. Probably just medication stress. I start the other brand of statins tonight. Not expecting any trouble from that. It’s whether or not I can get my usual brand of thyroid medication and what may happen if I can’t that has me concerned. I would try the name brand before I tried anything else but that may cost a fortune.

You know, I’m just tired of being a fluke. Just a freaky little fluke of nature. If it’s rare, it’s me. How many people have atresia? How many people have CRD? How many people have both? So of course I have to be one of the few that is sensitive to a medication I need and that most people can take without problems. Of course.

Can’t help but feel like there’s something up there that doesn’t want me to fully treat my disease. It just really seems like I’m not meant to have a normal metabolism as much as I try to tell myself things just happened to be this way without design. If that’s true, then how come that’s not what I’m sensing? I mean I just don’t feel that way. No, something up there gave me a disease in which it knew I would be sensitive to the medication so I would suffer. Something up there also seems hell-bent on me not having normal TSH numbers. There’s simply too much of a pattern. The more the same things happen over and over again, that can’t possibly be a coincidence, can it?

But if my gut feeling is right, then why? Why would anything want me to suffer so much and why can’t I have an optimal metabolism? It should know I don’t give as much of a shit as I perhaps should about my weight, and besides, a normal thyroid doesn’t always mean you can lose weight. I’ve found numerous complaints about people being surprised and disappointed to get their thyroid on track just to still not be able to lose weight. Age and genetics are also a factor and being American doesn’t help either. Your average American is overweight even if most no doubt consider me a petite little thing.

I also had a clear discharge of some kind yesterday. This has happened a few times. It was like mid-cycle runs, as I would call it, all over again. I don’t think it was pee because I didn’t feel anything leaving my body. I didn’t feel anything leaving my pussy either but what else could it be? I just hope it wasn’t a sign of anything bad. I haven’t had any cramps or any other symptoms and have been blissfully unaware of my lady parts so that’s good. At the end of next month, it will be a year since the last period I had after not getting one for 15 months. Really hope I’m done!

I also hope my doc hasn’t gotten the virus and that she’s just on vacation even though it seems like a bit of an odd time to be on vacation. Don’t doctors usually have most of December off and part of early January?

A nurse called Tom about his results and mentioned that my doc wasn’t around. I hope she hasn’t left and that they just haven’t had time to formally notify her patients. I would really hate to have to start over with a new doctor right before we move! But it explains why I never got a reply to my message, not that it’s urgent.

We’ve had more wind and rain over the last couple of days than we’ve had in quite a while. Last night I could practically feel the house shudder as the winds reached slightly above 30 miles per hour. Fortunately, none of the roof shingles lifted enough to let the rain in. We definitely don’t need any more water spots to have to paint over. But so far, no leaks. :-)

We seem to have big storms here every few years. I remember the first one was a handful of months after we came down here and were still in motels, then there was one a few years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if our best bet would be to take a cheap, dumpy little place if we don’t get a good offer on this place rather than stay back another year to fix and flip it. I guess it will depend on how bad of an offer we may get.

It’s hard not to want to get the fuck out of here because I feel like I’ve been the worst both physically and emotionally in this place than any other place I’ve ever lived. I’d love to think there’s just some kind of bad energy associated with this house that I’ll escape when we move but things have a way of following me and returning to haunt me. At least it will be warmer.

“What kind of friend finds having to deal with over a foot of snow funny? My significant other has a bad back and my own health is far from great. Took us over two hours, with a few breaks to rest, to completely dig out.”

Oh, life’s little sensitives. eye-roll That’s Little Miss Sensitive’s last tweet on her other account in regard to how I said that if it weren’t for Cam having to drive through the snow I’d be laughing.

OMG, will you fucking lighten up and learn to take a joke for fuck’s sake?! And would it really have been so hard to say something like hey, that isn’t funny, and remember, Cam has a bad back and I haven’t been feeling well?

When she mentioned him being out there with a snowblower, I didn’t think of his back. I can see where shoveling would not be good for someone with a bad back but didn’t make the connection with a snowblower. I didn’t think he did any shoveling but I knew she did.

I’ll just have to remember not to tease her about things because she’s just too damn sensitive. That’s one of the few things that still gets to me about her but I understand that no one’s perfect. I also don’t give a shit if she sees this either and I know she’s just as curious as I can be when it comes to accounts we don’t tell each other about. I’m not stupid. Right now, though, I’m not in the frame of mind to care much. I’m both pissed and worried right now.

She tweeted a couple of hours before she responded to my last message which tells me that she’s doing exactly what she says she hates done to her, not that I mind her not replying as soon as she reads my messages. It just goes to show she’s a bit hypocritical. But hey, if she’s going to bitch about me in public, although not directly, I can do the same. We don’t use each other’s names. I don’t know if she reads me on PB to compare what I sent her versus what I share with others, but right now I just don’t give a shit. If she reads this and doesn’t like what she sees, that’s on her.

Sometimes I question some of my friendships, not that I still don’t value and appreciate her. Again, no one’s perfect and she has a hell of a lot more good than flaws.

Sensitive or not, I’m sorry they’ve had to deal with so much hassle from the snow. I do remember what it’s like!

Also, she said she would never get so angry about what she got angry about in the dream I had, which I figured, but admits she has more angry thoughts than I think. She just doesn’t share them because it doesn’t do her any good.

Yeah, and how many of them are about me? Again, I wonder about her at times and I wouldn’t be surprised if I eventually get dumped again. She’s already dumped me once. If she does, I will definitely not fight for her and she will never hear from me again even if she ends up regretting her decision. As I decided a few years ago, no more do-overs!

So what’s got me very worried right now - and I knew this day would come - is that Walmart and Rite Aid can no longer order medications by brand. They have to simply sell whatever their company chooses to buy and that’s usually what’s cheapest at the moment and right now it isn’t Sandoz. He was able to get Sandoz this time around, but next time we’re going to have to hope we can find someplace else to get it. I also got a cheaper brand of Simvastatin that I hope won’t cause any problems but anxiety isn’t usually connected to that in the way it is with Levothyroxine.

I was surprised to find that not only is Sandoz a generic brand, but they’re not as consistent as the name brands. I thought only Armour wasn’t consistent since it’s pig thyroid. I wonder if that could be part of why I sometimes still have anxious days. I’m sure there are other brands out there I can tolerate and maybe even tolerate better. I just don’t know what they are and I sure as hell don’t want to go experimenting either.

He feels confident that we can find Sandoz somewhere because it’s not like they’ve gone out of business but I still worry about being stuck with other brands that cause the same kind of anxiety Lannett and Mylan caused. I don’t want to be forced, especially now that I’m doing so much better, to have to cut back my dosage which is already a bit too low just so I don’t have off-the-charts anxiety.

I want to get vaccinated already! I’m totally ready for life to get back to normal. The longer we’re not vaccinated, the longer things get held up. I really want a haircut and I definitely need new glasses. I can barely see shit.

Since my new Twistables don’t come with the names of the colors printed on them, I took a fine-point permanent marker and wrote them on myself.

Also ordered an accessory kit for diamond painting. It has more glue, trays, compartments to store diamonds in, stickers to number the compartments with, regular drills, and even a few wide drills for picking up multiple ones of the same color at once. It also has curved tweezers, a roller to enforce the diamonds, and a few other things.

We’ve got a huge storm coming through tonight with winds over 30 MPH, something we rarely see here.

Surprised my message to my doc is still “unopened.” Oh well. It isn’t urgent.

They were a half-hour late with turning the water back on. I got some of the air out of the bathroom pipes but why bother since they’re only going to turn us off again next week at the rate they’ve been going?

Water Palms dropped by 3 saves. There’s got to be something wrong with that park if it isn’t about the virus and the nuclear power plant. There’s another water house in that park I like a lot that’s newer but more expensive.

Tom has been suffering from sciatica but he did more research today and found that what he was doing was wrong. He shouldn’t have been stretching and working his core and things like that. So he took their advice and he’s already much better. That’s good because I was getting worried about him with the way he was hobbling around hunched over like an old man.

California has its own health insurance program and we’re probably going to have to pay a little penalty since it turns out that we made 62k last year and not the 55k he originally estimated we would make. This also means more taxes as well. We made an unbelievable amount of money last year! I would be willing to bet we’ll never make that much again.

It’s amazing how one can have so many dreams about someone they’ve never actually met and it’s even funnier when they do things you can’t imagine them actually doing in real life. I was visiting Aly when she took us out to a restaurant. The restaurant was so crowded that they set up card tables in the middle of the aisles. When a waitress led us to one of these tables, Aly got pissed. She demanded that we be seated in a booth but the waitress insisted that we’d have to wait quite a while for one.

So she stormed out of the restaurant and I tried to keep up with her but she was already in her car by the time I exited the restaurant, slamming her fists against the steering wheel in a fit of rage. Then she mimed pistol shots out her side window.

I was relieved to see the parking lot was empty and no one could see her “shooting” at anyone but was very surprised by how emotional, immature and dramatic she was behaving. I thought about telling her this too, but figured that would only piss her off more so I settled with assuring her that there were other restaurants we could try.

LOL

Read a bit more about the pig-plowing incident and I guess that yeah, the hit was justified. The bacon feared for its safety and I can believe that much with how much they’re hated these days.

I just wish all these fucking protests would stop already! They’re not doing any good. They just cause trouble and get people hurt and even killed. Roads are for driving, not for protesting. Like it or not, the world doesn’t revolve around any of us. There’s no reason or excuse to hold up the rest of the world or engage in destructive and even deadly conduct just because you have something to say.

Anyway, I awoke on this rainy day extremely tired but wishing it could always be this quiet. Why does it have to rain or be hot as hell to get any peace here? The commercial planes are getting annoying at night again.

Been resting a lot but that gets boring, so here I am struggling through this entry. But hey, it’s Sunday, and everyone needs a day of rest and to take it easy. We did discuss more plans for prepping the place. The next step is going to be touching up the walls.

I also did a little drilling and am looking forward to the new set of Twistables colored pencils we ordered along with a taller step stool. The two-step one we’ve had for many years has paint splatters and other shit all over it and is getting dumped.

The colored pencil set will have twice as many colors. I absolutely love Twistables. I don’t ever want to go back to the old-fashioned pencils that you have to sharpen. I’ll donate my old set to Goodwill along with all the other stuff we’re not taking that we can’t sell. The rest will go out in the next bulk pickup.

The only thing we’re probably going to sell is the Bowflex unless he decides he wants to take it. I told him that one’s up to him but we’re definitely getting me a new treadmill when we get moved.

“Water Palms” is holding steady at 53 saves. The only thing that’s kind of odd about it is that it looks like you have to go outside to enter the lanai. I thought that most lanais could be entered from the house but if there’s a door leading to it, I can’t tell because there are no pictures of the area of the house where a door would have to be to get to it. There are some things about the house I don’t care for but would still love to have it even though I’m not sure going to another park would be a wise idea. Until we learn about the lease, we won’t know anything for sure. It’s too soon to reach out to any realtors for info because they’re pushy and pesky. Let them save that eagerness for when we’re ready for them.

I’m slowly easing my way into yoga, studying the various poses one by one. I saw an ad for yoga apparel for heavy people and one of the ladies in the picture is definite proof that the flexibility I’ve lost over the years is likely more related to my age than weight. I may not be skinny but I’m barely that big and I think that only bending forward may be connected to my weight because I do have a bit of a tummy. I can’t touch my chin to my knees anymore. But the woman in the picture was huge. I’ll just keep plugging away with it and hopefully, that will not only help keep my muscles toned but increase my range of motion. Only time will tell!

I’ve noticed over the last few days that my metabolism seems to have increased a bit. I suppose part of it is the poison ramping up in my system and that I’m likely to get stabbed by the shit soon enough with those dreaded waves of adrenaline and those horrible “mindfuckers.”

But yeah, I’m not holding weight as easily and my hair is thicker as if I need any more hair on my head. My weight falls back quicker after eating, too. When it’s slower, I eat, gain a pound or two or whatever it is I’m gonna gain from whatever I ate, then the weight hangs on for hours before slowly dropping back down until I eat again. Yet now it starts falling pretty quickly after jumping up after a meal, and that’s a metabolism thing. I don’t think I would have remained 100 pounds all my life had my thyroid not crashed, but I doubt I ever would have gone over 120-130. So maybe I could lose with normal numbers but I still don’t see myself ever being able to tolerate the dose it would take to get them there. Anxiety isn’t worth any amount of weight loss.

I decided that rather than trying to find what helps, I would weed out what hurts instead. Meaning that I’m sure the way I’ve been eating the last few days may have a role in it as well. The wine I have doesn’t seem to affect my weight either way, but I decided once again to get a small candy bar rather than a large one with tomorrow’s Walmart delivery for a couple of reasons. I’m pre-diabetic so I shouldn’t be having much sugar anyway, and also, I know that sugar is a definite culprit. There are no magic foods for weight loss but there are definitely some enemies out there like sugar, pasta, breads and processed foods. The last few days I’ve had very little in the way of processed stuff. But tomorrow I’ll be getting a few processed items so what I want to see is if it drives my weight back up or not. It would if I got too carried away with it, that’s for sure, and that is why I learned to cook more.

Going to be taking it easy for the rest of my day but will try to muster up enough energy to study a few more poses.

Tom just said that wasn’t a protest in Tacoma but attention-getters with loud vehicles running donut holes and holding up traffic, not that this is any better.

Our typical winter lows range from 37-43 degrees and we usually only hit freezing a few times a year. However, we’re going to have a hard freeze of just 28 degrees tomorrow night. Ugh, not looking forward to it at all!

Missed writing on OD, so even though there’s a chance Aly may somehow know about it, I’m going to share some stuff there. Actually, even more stuff because I’m not allowing comments and therefore, I don’t have to deal with those that want to argue, challenge and change my views on anything. I have no blocking power as a free member there.

Seeing the US population grow by the thousands each day is both disheartening and alarming. Also, crying babies are just as annoying in the movies as they are in real life.

Just saw a horrifying video of the Tacoma pigs plowing through tons of protesters. God knows how many are going to be dead or maimed for life. Okay, so I’ve always said that if you’re dumb enough to stand in the middle of the road, you gotta expect that you might get hit. I believe that in a genuine emergency, the pigs should do what they have to do when it comes to those holding up traffic. I’ve even become more and more anti-protests to begin with because they just don’t change anything and trouble often comes of them. If you want to vent and be heard, do it online where it’s safer!

However, what I saw just seemed all wrong. Just totally wrong. I’ll admit I don’t know the circumstances surrounding the event but I just can’t believe anything was that urgent that the pig had a plow through that many people unless they were being destructive or doing anything dangerous. They at least didn’t seem to be beating the shit out of each other or attacking anyone or people’s businesses.

Regardless of the circumstances, it was a horrifying thing to see and I’ve never hated the pigs more than I do now. Just when I think I can’t hate them anymore than I already do, my hatred towards them only deepens. I swear to God we’re totally on our own if we ever have a problem with anyone else in the future. I would prefer not to have any problems, of course, but if God forbid there were, there will be no pigs. Just us and them. You really do have to fight your own battles at times and take care of things yourself. Seriously, someone could kick the door down and hold me at gunpoint yet the pigs would be the last ones I would want to call! They make me sick as fuck!

But you know how it is, even if it turns out that what happened wasn’t justified in any way, and somehow I doubt it was, the pig(s) will get a paid vacation and at worst, fired. Meanwhile, any funerals or medical expenses will be solely on the victims. It’s fucking sick the world we live in. It really is. If that’s me being conceited and sounding like I’m better than most people, so be it. And hell, maybe I am in some ways. You would think that if this would have any good at all come of it, it would scare the protesters off the street. Even those that are harmless, holding up traffic and risking spreading the virus is ridiculous just because you have something to say. Instead of making nuisances of yourselves, there are other places to get your voices heard even if it still won’t change a damn thing but to make you feel better for speaking up.

Squealing with delight as I sign in with great news. My doctor’s assistant messaged me to say, “Here are your lab results below. Your last LDL was 204 and has dropped to 114 on simvastatin - this is fantastic! Continue with this medication. Your liver functions are fine and seem to be tolerating the medication well.”

twirls with delight YES! So proud of myself for getting brave enough to go back on statins, even if it took me half a decade after my thyroid medication traumatized the shit out of me.

I messaged Doc A asking her if I was supposed to go to the lab before our next appointment (mentioned the spot on my leg while I was at it). I’m guessing I am, but don’t know if it’s a fasting trip or not.

Anyway, I figured I should do this entry before I get any more tired. Even though I slept well, I woke up with a sore throat that’s been bugging me on and off and the kind of fatigue you feel when you have a cold. My throat seems to be getting better, though I’m still tired. We went out to Rite Aid and I got some orange juice which I crave when I’m not feeling well, and damn near drank the whole bottle.

I also got some soda, wine, and a small Twix bar since backing off of these things wasn’t doing me any good.

Kind of glad that our schedules aren’t as aligned at the moment because when we’re both on days for too long, I start to feel smothered even though he’s always told me to feel free to go into a room and close the door and he won’t bug me, but it’s just not the same as when he’s out or sleeping. Everybody needs some alone time and as much as I love him and we get along great, it gets old when he’s always, always there.

Even though we’re homebodies, it’s nice to get out every now and then even if it’s only for those mundane errands a part of me misses.

It’s also going to be nice to eventually live in a place where they don’t turn the fucking water off. Again it’s going off on Monday but not for as long. What, are they going to pull this shit every week on us until we’re gone?

I swear the only thing I’m going to miss besides some of the neighbors is taking walks around the park, even if it’s not always peaceful. When I went out walking yesterday, I was surprised to find I only got two Zone minutes from it. Guess I’m getting into pretty good shape!

My yoga mat arrived today and it’s awesome! It’s much longer than I thought it would be and I love all the illustrations. Right now I’m watching videos to make sure I’m doing the moves properly and picking out the ones I can actually do or at least mostly do. I’m too fat for some poses that would have been easy 30 years ago like shoulder stands and things like that. I can’t even do a child’s pose completely because of all that damn middle-aged belly fat.

I just don’t get it. We have pills to block the substance that makes cholesterol. We have pills for headaches. We have pills for cramps. We have pills for thyroids. We have pills for damn near everything except for shrinking fat cells. Go figure. If they don’t come up with anything for those of us that can’t lose weight without damn near starving ourselves, then this is the way I’m always going to be and I’m always going to have to improvise certain activities because my range of motion is limited by the extra weight.

He’s been checking out the local job listings and found one that he may actually like as an IT assistant for when businesses have computer issues and things like that. It pays $20 an hour as well. However, it’s just not safe for him to work without being vaccinated. Also, he doesn’t want a permanent job. He just wants to work part-time here and there maybe for the rest of his life.

When he is fully retired, we may ditch the car. Since we don’t go out much, it shouldn’t cost as much for an Uber when we do as what we pay for insurance and all that stuff. He just charged the car for the first time this year and it will last a while.

He really likes the high-powered steamer he got. It’s doing a good job with the sticky residue on the walls and even helped clean the showerhead as well.

It only took me a little over a day to do my first diamond painting. I’m totally addicted to the things now! Today I didn’t work on the second one I got which is much bigger because I didn’t feel well but I’ll get back on with it tomorrow.

I got a variety pack of K-cups that contains different coffees, hot chocolates, and teas. Earl Grey’s Breakfast Blend tea tastes kind of weird.

For just a few bucks I ordered another one of those clear compartment cases for extra rhinestones that are left over from my diamond paintings. Then we came up with some cool ideas for the extras. One is to stick them at random to the back of left over wallpaper that we have when we were doing the hall closet and then framing it. Also, the previous owners left a small picture of cherries to which I could get some Elmer’s Glue to stick the stones.

They lowered the price of the house I like by about 7K. In a perfect world, it would still be available when we’re ready to move, then we would learn that the lease doesn’t expire anytime soon, and that would be our home until and if we decided to move again to something bigger and better.

To be honest, I’m surprised it hasn’t sold yet. Makes me wonder if something’s wrong with the park. Or maybe it has to do with the virus or the nuclear power plant nearby. I just don’t know. We’re not going to know much for a couple of months. Life is one big waiting game.

Early in the morning, the place stunk of skunks. Again, I will absolutely scream if we’re stuck here until next year!

We decided we may get a place wherever as planned and then have him return to work so we would then qualify for up to a $250,000 home instead of $90,000 because that would open up a ton of opportunities for us. He would work until it was paid down to where the payments were $500 a month or less so he could then fully retire comfortably.

I really like this idea too! We’re not going to be so old and feeble anytime soon and it would give us something to look forward to. A goal to aim for that would keep us focused and active. Besides, I wouldn’t mind spending my final years in one of these quarter-million-dollar beauties. Some places are so incredibly nice that some noise would be worth it. I just wish I could work too even if it had to be at home!

We went to the lab this morning and we got to swap shoes even though we both guzzled plenty of water beforehand. Where my veins are usually finicky, she was able to get enough blood on the first try. Maybe that’s because she was always doing one vial, I joked with her. Just lipid and liver tests this time around.

With Tom, she got the vein right away only it refused to squeeze out the blood at a normal speed and instead slowly dripped out. I’ve had that happen to me as well. So I had to wait in the waiting room until he was done.

It was so cold this morning too, in the mid-thirties. I went out walking when it got close to 50° yet my hands were still cold even in my gloves. Like most people with low thyroid, the things that never seem to go away even with treatment are cold hands and feet along with the extra weight.

My second diamond painting is to arrive today. I’m totally addicted to these things now!

Going to edit and publish this and then restock my KU books.

On my 24-minute walk, I heard two commercial planes, two small planes, and one helicopter. That was an addition to a circular saw where someone was getting new windows. Surprised I didn’t hear any landscaping in the mix. I will absolutely scream if we end up stuck here another year, and even though it’s unlikely, it is still possible that we won’t get a decent enough offer for the house and have to have him go back to work full-time and flip it ourselves.

He called and ordered a larger trash bin that’s going to be delivered on Friday, and we’ll both have blood drawn at the lab tomorrow morning.

We both agree that if we had to choose between one of the water houses in Florida versus this older home we like in a rural area in Hull, Texas, we would go for the water house. I just can’t believe Water Palms, which I would name our network, is still for sale! We’ve got to find out when that lease expires. The fact that he saw one of the houses there in foreclosure is a good sign. If I suddenly knew it was ours, I’d be as emotional as a 20-year-old! However, I’m guessing it won’t be and I don’t even know that we could get anything similar to it either.

Decided I didn’t want to wait for the yoga mat with the illustrations so it will be here Friday. I also went to a site that has quick video clips on how to properly perform each move. They even have more moves than what’s on the mat, although I’m still not going to be able to do all of them.

I also saw a video on three exercises that are supposed to be good for cellulite in the backs of the thighs and ass since it activates the most muscles. It definitely doesn’t have to do with fat, though, just as they said since I’ve had them most of my life yet was thin for the most part until my 40s.

I received my diamond painting before bed yesterday and started working on it today. I have about a quarter of it done, and it’s super easy and loads of fun! I might get some for myself.

I was practically squealing with delight when I saw the plane lift Trump up and away from the White House.

Good. Fucking. Riddance.

Waiting on a diamond painting kit to be delivered. When I read in someone else’s journal that they were working on one, I thought that would be a great idea for Aly’s birthday. I’ve been trying to come up with different ideas. I already made her some jewelry, and I don’t want to have food items delivered in case she’s allergic to any of the ingredients, so this may work. I’ve been wanting to try one of these anyway. She likes owls so I got a 6x6 owl painting that the PBer would probably take me 2 hours to do. Plenty of time to get it done since her birthday is in April. It also comes with a frame. If I enjoy doing it, I may get one for myself. 

Tom tried various cleaners to remove the sticky residue that some of the stickers left on the wall. Goo Gone can get rid of it easily but I can’t stand the smell of oranges so he ordered a steamer that should be good to have anyway.

When it comes to touching up the paint on the living room walls, he may have to do the whole thing since the paint might not match. I burn incense regularly and that would cause some discoloration along with the fact that it’s been about 5 years.

Still so torn between a park versus a rural setting! They both have so many pros and cons. We’re still not even sure what state we’re going to end up in just yet. As long as we keep our monthly payments under $500 a month, we should be comfortable, though we would certainly be more comfortable if we didn’t have an HOA. Parks are a lot more convenient but definitely noisier. We would have more freedom and peace on land but we’re still a couple of months away from knowing anything either way.

I saw that Walmart had a pink yoga mat with yoga pose illustrations on it. They had 10 poses for $10. That would certainly make it easier and more tempting to get into yoga but then I found one for $30 with 70 poses on Amazon, though I’m not going to get that or a diamond painting for myself until we move. I would get the purple one because the illustrations stand out better that way. I’m a little too fat for some of the poses, though, LOL.

Oh, to care about my weight like I did in my youth! Maybe then I would be motivated to push myself harder if that’s even possible with Hashimoto’s and my age, but the fact still stands that I like myself as I am. Yes, I would be healthier if I was thinner but I’m not that big and it isn’t so much that I’m totally in love with myself as I am so much as that I just don’t care. I guess that’s the difference between being a single 20-something and a married 50-something. It would take a lot more weight than this to get me all that motivated and concerned. I think I’ll just stick with eating smart and being active most days and allowing myself to be human by indulging once or twice a week. That will be in the form of Hershey’s Caramel Kisses next grocery delivery. :-) Otherwise, I try not to focus on food until I’m actually ready to eat.

The water is off right now. Yeah, what else is new?

Andy showed up in my dreams again. Hey, it’s better than the termites! I was going to say hello to him in a tweet as I was slowly walking down the street and then realized I was in front of his place. He stepped outside and I said hello. We started talking and then some woman stopped by. I told him I would contact him later and that it would be nice to catch up since it had been a year.

I used the bathroom on the way out as I was heading for the door, I looked out a window and realized he was also in a flight path, although the planes looked like little rockets.

A town in Tennessee has been showing up on my visitor report lately and I wonder if it’s Sandra who lives in Sevierville. I blocked her because I was tired of her political rants. Maybe she created another account when she noticed I wasn’t around to see if she could find out why I blocked her. Sometimes I find it easier to block rather than to just ghost.

Income tax. That’s the payment we hope to avoid by getting out of here by late June.

As far as how to know where to store our stuff, we would store it here in Citrus Heights until we knew exactly where to have it shipped to in Florida. We’re probably going to go with U-Haul because they incorporate moving pods with storage and all that. We’re considering one that’s something like 4 feet wide, 8 feet deep, and 8 feet tall.

We still won’t know if we’re flying or driving until we know what we’re getting for the house and how long things are going to take to close. I just know that one of the things alone that I hate here is enough to be excited about moving. Just take all the fucking planes and helicopters I have to listen to in the middle of the night as well as the daytime. And of course, we’re going to be without water for most of Tuesday. I wonder how many more times we’re going to have to play this fucking game with the water outages before we get out of here.

We still don’t know if we’re going to end up in a park or on land somewhere. What community did I ever like, though? I hated Phoenix and I hate it here. Klamath Falls wasn’t as bad, but I still didn’t like it that much. It was a quaint little town that had its positive points but still too many people too close which means it wasn’t exactly peaceful. It seems the worst thing in Arizona was dogs barking, up in Oregon it was boom car stereos, and in Cali, it’s kind of a mix of everything, but being in an adult community, we don’t have much barking, car stereos, and you almost never hear kids.

I’m excited that Biden will be taking over soon! The only thing that worries me is the Caravan of Guatemalans. I know that as soon as he’s in power, they’ll be welcomed with open arms to burden our system even more. Sick of how America is the go-to country for when the shit hits the fan in other countries. It’s not right or fair for us to be expected to pick up the pieces when things go wrong elsewhere. My heart truly goes out to those who are innocent victims of violence and other catastrophes in their countries, but I just wish they would create some kind of designated area for refugees to go to. Like maybe some island somewhere.

I had a dream I met Kamala Harris somewhere. I was very depressed for some reason and I was squeezing my eyes shut to prevent myself from crying when I heard her voice grow closer as she was addressing a room full of people before I felt something being slipped over my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that she had slipped a beautiful purple beaded necklace around my neck. I thanked her and hugged her, surprised to see that she was pregnant.

Then there was the termite dream which woke me up. It took me a while before I could fall back asleep. We were still on good terms when we moved to Florida, starting off in a hotel until we could find a place. They agreed to care for a mother rat and her two babies we brought with us but didn’t want to keep them in the hotel for some strange reason. I went to Tammy’s house one day to find Sarah there. We got into a huge argument and I left. It then hit me that they may harm the rats because they were pissed at me.

So I decided I go back later on when I knew Tammy would be there. I hoped Mark wouldn’t be there because I didn’t want to get into it with him since we had always gotten along in the past and thought it would be nice to keep it that way.

I walked up to the slider and knocked. Tammy approached with her cell phone in hand but didn’t open it. Instead, she told me they “dumped my vermin” and that if I didn’t get the fuck away and stay away, she would call the police.

Furious that she killed my pets like I feared she might, in a split-second, I grabbed a chair in her lanai and smashed it through the slider, knocking the phone out of her hand. She was home alone, and I beat her unconscious. After confirming that the rats really weren’t there, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should kill her so she couldn’t point a finger at me or hope she would wake up. I decided it would be better if she woke up since I knew that if I got caught, I would get a hell of a lot less time for assault than I would for murder. I was still glad I avenged the death of my innocent rats.

Then I ran out to the car which Tom was waiting in and told him we had to hurry up and get back to the hotel and move to another one quickly and began filling him in as the dream ended.

The water is going off again all day tomorrow. OMG, to escape these water outages and all this traffic and flying shit! I can’t wait to at least take back the nights! I’m sorry, but after midnight it should be dead quiet. Not full of small planes, helicopters, and roaring freeways.

I have my doubts about beating the jury duty extension deadline, but Tom hopes we’re out of here by the end of June because there’s some kind of thing you have to pay in Cali at that time that will be due. I forgot what he said it was. Maybe some kind of property tax.

Tom is really good with numbers and money and is very smart in general unless he’s trying to learn languages, LOL. He explained to me about finance, paying off credit card debt with the money from the sale of the house to decrease interest in the future, and the various pros and cons of land versus a park and why we may prefer to fly in certain situations versus driving in other situations. I can’t swear on anything yet and neither can he, but our discussion yesterday made me lean more towards getting a place on half an acre to an acre or so, in which case we could afford something a little nicer.

Having to use a regular realtor means not accepting less than 65K rather than 60K and pretty much increases our chances of driving. The cost comes out the same between driving and flying but if we have to wait a week for things to close anyway…

Also, since we don’t want to buy a place sight unseen, we would need a place to store our shit until we could get into a place. But we don’t know exactly where to go in Florida, we don’t know where to store our shit and therefore it may be better to drive across. We’re still going to get realtors in Florida to help us.

I wrote out a list of the pros and cons of land versus a park. There’s no saying that all the cons would come to be but that’s the frustrating part. We can’t magically know upfront where to go and exactly what it would be like living there. And sometimes you don’t know about the things you do know. When we had our little orientation meeting with Joy, she made it sound like the water went off a few times a year, not a dozen-plus times a year.

And look what happened with the commercial planes. We moved in here in 2013 and they weren’t an issue until 2018. The small planes and helicopters, yes. They were always a problem. I just never thought to look for airport locations because they’ve never been a problem before.

Anyway, the land would definitely leave us more money left over each month but not a whole lot since we’ll never again have money as we do now. He was thinking of maybe doing DoorDash deliveries or something like that a few times a week to make extra money. Even if he only made $10 five days a week, that’s still $200 extra a month. Of course I wish to hell I could drive and didn’t have CRD so I could do it too and double that. Big things can be paid for with credit like if I needed another root canal or we wanted to go on a $500 helicopter ride or something like that.

Money won’t be so important except in the event of an emergency once we get the place, wherever it may be, set up the way we want it. I was still glad to hear that Biden wants to ensure that those on Social Security always get enough of an increase so they never fall below the national poverty level.

The increased Aly-meeting dreams make me wonder if we will be meeting soon since I’ve had a lot more dreams of meeting her than I have of flying. The only thing is that in the dream I had last night, she was visiting us and not the other way around. We were going to take a selfie of ourselves together and laughed about sending a copy to Kim (though we wouldn’t share any pics we took). I don’t care if we take pictures of each other or of us together or not, but it would definitely be nice to meet somewhere someday! Pretty sure there was more to the dream, but I don’t remember what.

The thought of moving is exciting but also a bit scary and overwhelming. Anything could go wrong. Driving across would be incredibly hard on both of us. And even if we did fly, we’re still going to be stuck in hotels for a while and that’s hard as well.

Land pros:
Space around us
Fewer rules
Quieter
Cheaper
Gains more value in time
Our own pool

Land cons:
Not as safe
Not as pretty
Slightly colder
Increased potential for bad neighbors, loose dogs/barking, boom stereos, motorcycles, welfare bums

Park pros:
Safer
Prettier
Warmer
Activities
Increased chance of better neighbors, less barking, boom stereos, etc.

Park cons:
More rules and restrictions
More noise
Less value
More expensive

No wonder Japanese people are so skinny! The Japanese snack mix arrived yesterday and it’s incredible how small the portions are compared to snacks in the US. Definitely not worth the money but makes for a fun experiment. There are only three out of the 37 pieces I don’t like. I don’t see how any human being on earth could possibly put a wasabi nut in their mouth and not feel like they tossed a lit match into it! They look like green peas and when I suspected they were actually wasabi nuts, I licked at one with my tongue to be sure and could feel a burn just doing that. Some of the snacks are weird-tasting but still good.

After this, I want to try to drop the wine, flavored sparkling water, pasta, and sugar for as long as I can stand to. The wine and the pasta will be easy.

Still not sure whether or not I want to focus on just getting the recommended number of zone minutes each week or focus more on the length of time. Zone minutes are easy. I can get half of them accidentally with my high HR. I can get more than I need with just a 15-minute workout. The question is whether or not I should up the time to 45 to 60 minutes. More isn’t always better, especially when you’re metabolically fucked as I am.

Over 2 million dead now from the virus. At least that we know of. In poor countries where they can’t afford to do so much testing, I wouldn’t be surprised if the real numbers were closer to 4 or 5 million. While that’s a huge number in itself, it hardly puts a dent in the population which is still climbing faster than it is dying.

Been listening to the usual sounds here… traffic, planes, and landscaping. The commercial planes haven’t been as bad lately due to the virus, but yesterday we had our usual 4-hour trash and recyclable pick-up and they’re also working on the new house. Still. Wonder just how many more months they’re going to be working over there.

Another thing is that someone’s been leaving a dog out during the daytime that I’ve mentioned before. I would think Dixie would be able to hear it loud and clear. Luckily, Virginia’s house blocks most of it, so I don’t hear too much from that or the house workers from the room I mostly work in.

I don’t know why but I’ve been having this feeling lately about dying in 2038. But that’s only 17 years from now and not the 20-something I would have guessed. Can’t say for sure whether or not it really means anything but I’ve been having this feeling lately. I suppose anything is possible and even if it does mean something, I’ve already lived a long time and 17 years is still a long time left as well.

Although it’s a little earlier than planned, I decided to make my Facebook account more private. There really is no need to be public although I’ll still do public stories every now and then that disappear after 24 hours. I almost always get views from a non-friend and I always used to think it was Kim, but since she hasn’t been online, I guess it could be anyone.

Still excited about the move but nervous as well. We still don’t know if we’re flying or driving or if we’re going to start off in a park or not. I would love to think that we’ll get a beautiful, peaceful place but I don’t think we’ll get the “ideal” place. I think we can definitely find something quieter than this, though. I just feel like I’m not meant to have the ideal place but don’t know if it’s by design or happenstance. But an improvement is certainly better. If it’s a little quieter and it’s cheaper, then great.

I ignored the email the Sundae rep sent apologizing for getting my hopes up for nothing, and yeah, it does suck. A traditional realtor is going to make things a lot harder for us and slower as well.

I had a dream that he and I were hanging out at home as usual in a place that didn’t look like this. I hadn’t worked out that day. Finally, I convinced myself to at least do a short workout instead of being lazy. I passed a room where he was working out, sitting halfway up on a couch and twisting his torso back and forth. I then entered another room to find that Tom had pulled out an old scale even though it was still digital, and it told me I was 133 lb even though I knew I was 136 lb.

Then he finished working out and came out of the other room to tell me that he heard something in the news that meant that Nervous was probably receiving payments on account of and I reminded him that he was dead.

“Oh, is he?” he said.

“Yeah, he died at 53 of a heart attack. You must be thinking of my other old friend Fran Paiva,” I said even though he’s also dead.

Then Tom asked me if I wanted to go out to some cookie factory or something like that and I agreed.