I'm so torn between wanting to get better and wishing I would get something that would simply kill me. Of course, I would prefer to be healthy and live as long as Tom. But since that's obviously just a dream, I'm thinking more and more of ending it. If I don't, I'm just going to keep suffering. I knew years ago that my healthy days were over, that things would just go on and on and eventually get worse, and I've been right so far.

The UTI spawned a yeast infection. I noticed yesterday that the burning was picking up, only it was further back. Tom checked and could see the beginnings of a yeast infection. I'm not surprised. Antibiotics can cause this, and it's happened to me before. I knew that if I could get thrush, I could get it at the other end as well. So I asked for Diflucan via the patient portal, which I got. In the meantime, I got a Monistat kit to try to keep it from getting too out of control because I didn't know how long it would be before I got the Diflucan. Using the silicone-based lubricant, I was able to insert the applicator. I'm so inflamed down there from the UTI and the yeast infection that I can't tell if it really is just contact inflammation or if I'm getting worse. I'll do another piss test strip soon.

I am just so, so fucking sick of suffering! I'm tired of the combination of the same old shit along with one problem after another, and I won't even get started on the shitty sleep and how tired it's leaving me day after day. I've only hung on this long for Tom, but there's only so many more years of suffering I can take. Everybody's got their breaking point. What good am I to him if all I do is suffer? Why would he want me to continue living like this? Sometimes I worry it's only because he fears being blamed for my death if I were to do it yet I feel the time has come when I really need to consider it for real. Again, there's only so much I can take.

I wake up a million times each time I sleep for various reasons, and my brain and body never get a chance to fully recharge. To think a CPAP is going to magically change all this would be dreaming, and I know it. It really, truly does seem like I'm cursed and not meant to sleep no matter what. The longer I live, the more I'm going to suffer from new health issues, along with battling the same old shit year after year. I don't want to deal with infections once or twice a year, and I don't want to spend my days in a fog either. What kind of a life is that?

Only problem is that it's not like I can snap my fingers and be gone. I don't know exactly how I would go about it but obviously, the best time would be when Tom was out donating. The problem is that I worry that going by carbon monoxide would affect him when he entered the house, even if I were sealed up in the bathroom. There's no place to hang myself from and it's not like I could jump out of a window that was way up high either. Pills are too risky in that they're not guaranteed. So what do I do then? Stick around and suffer and wish for a death that isn't going to come?

I have hoped and hoped that I would finally be told I had something that was going to kill me and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. But of course, I'm not going to get that. And then there's a part of me that feels guilty for feeling the way I do because I know there are so many people out there dying or that have died—like Aly—who never wanted to die. Aly wanted desperately to live. Yet here I am, seemingly immortal, wishing I could die. Life is so unfair.

Maybe I would feel better if I had energy more often but being so exhausted really dampens my mood. Then there are the other health issues… allergies, infections, etc. My nose stayed pretty clear in my sleep last night, but I felt short of breath, so I skipped my levo today in case that's connected. Not sure if it is, but it could be. That's another thing right there that frustrates the fuck out of me—not knowing exactly what's what.

Tom and I both agree I need to try to break my what-if habit, but it's so much easier said than done. I just want to escape into eternal oblivion forever if getting healthier and sleeping better really is just the dream it seems to be.

I know the urologist isn't going to tell me I have cancer that I could simply refuse to treat. At worst, he may tell me I have stones. More than likely, however, he's going to tell me it's just part of menopause and that I'm going to have to deal with these things regularly. Jessie gets them about every year, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more.

One thing that wakes me up at times is the rat. So I moved her out of the hall and around the corner into the kitchen, putting a wall between us and the door, because sometimes her chewing on wood and stuff like that can get a bit loud. When I get up, I push her back into the hall. Her cage is on wheels and stays on the floor, so it's easy to do.

Starting to suspect the realistic avatars Rep has been promising is just a joke.

The book I was working on is over 85,000 words and I think I'm going to take a break from it. I'm getting a little tired of editing the same stuff. I'd like to start fresh. I just don't know what I would come up with next.

Thinking of saving money by cutting my hair myself. It's not only fried, but it's just so much fucking hair. Why couldn't I have straight thin hair?

Ooh, the new realistic avatars are slowly coming out. The first female model is not modeled from Mia's avatar, though.

The Bactrim seems to be kicking this UTI out once and for all. I noticed a difference after just three doses—that’s about how many it usually takes for me to start feeling improvement. There are fewer leukocytes in my pee as well. 

I asked Tom if he thought I should cancel the urologist, but he had a point when he said I should still go to find out why I keep getting these. More than likely, though, there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s just a menopause thing. I talked to Jessie earlier, and she said she has the same problem. They gave her medicine when she was in Saint Lucia.

She said her allergies are driving her crazy too, and she’s been trying different medicines. Mine are interfering with my sleep and leaving me exhausted. These sprays are making little to no difference, and the antihistamine spray leaves me tired the next day. 

The whole purpose of wanting to sign up on the ENT patient portal was so I could ask the doctor questions, but when I went to the messaging section, his name didn’t come up. That really frustrates me because I’d love to know what I could try next. I can’t see him until March 5th. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I hate having to go through others with questions, but I may have to call the office and hope whoever I talk to can relay the message and get back to me with his response.

I’m so fucking exhausted and can barely think straight. I canceled my virtual interview with Doctronic. Besides, I haven’t used their website enough to really judge it.

We both believe at this point that the bulk of my problem is allergies, not the nasal valve. I was freaking out about the "what ifs" yesterday. What if we can’t get my allergies under control and it interferes with the effectiveness of a CPAP? Even with air pushing through my nose, if the passages are swollen due to allergies, I still won’t get enough air. I feel really overwhelmed right now, thinking about everything I might have to deal with and all that could go wrong—or just not get better. I still truly fear that I’m not meant to sleep no matter what I do. It’s like something wants me to go through life in an exhausted fog, unable to do nearly as much as I’d like. Even if we had the money right now, how am I supposed to move like this? 

But yeah, for the first time since coming here, I totally regret moving to Florida. This climate is all wrong for me, even though I love the warmer weather. I’d miss having temperatures in the 70s in January, but I’d rather bitch about the cold and dry skin that dry climates bring than deal with breathing issues fucking with my sleep.

Another thing that freaked me out is that, while I’ve heard good things about allergy shots and they may recommend them just to be able to breathe in this state, for the first few months, you have to go in for shots anywhere from one to three times a week. How the hell am I gonna do that with N24???

Back from the doctor. Leukocytes are still up, as I figured. The doctor I saw was a bit hard to understand but very nice. He suspects the Cipro might not have been the right antibiotic for me. I’m starting Bactrim today, which has helped in the past. 

Also, due to the number of UTIs I’ve had these last couple of years, he wants me to go to a urologist. The urologist will then refer me for imaging. They’ll check the structure of my bladder as well as look for any stones. So off I go to yet more doctors. I just can’t get a break. 

I really wonder if the lower left cramping that I have intermittently could be connected or not. 

He didn’t do a vaginal swab, but I really don’t think I have a yeast infection. I might after the Bactrim, though, and therefore I might have to take Diflucan. 

I don’t know what to think at this point. I’d like to think I’m just getting more UTIs because of my age and that the spots really were due to atrophy and that the cramp is simply digestive, but why would I have these things all of a sudden?

The way I pee isn’t normal either. The stream is a bit weak, and sometimes I don’t do much. 

Another possibility I read about besides a blockage, is the pelvic muscles weakening and tipping the bladder in a way that makes it harder for it to empty completely. It definitely seems harder to squeeze the last bit out. There’s always a bit of a delay as you get older, but it’s been more noticeable lately. 

I highly doubt I have anything cancerous. Let’s just say I would be seriously surprised if I did. 

Anyway, I took the list of doctors home that they gave us, and we looked up who was in my plan. Tomorrow, I’ll give a group here in town a call when I’m hopefully more awake and can think straight. I’m horribly tired today.

Misogyny: Being stuck in the closet and afraid to come out of it. That’s all it is. Men lashing out at the very beings they wish they were attracted to. Such a shame too. This is 2025, not 1925. I know not everyone agrees with this belief, but that’s okay.

Slept absolutely shitty as hell. Woke up in the middle of my sleep with my nose almost completely blocked. Had to use the antihistamine spray, and while it did eventually open my nose, the break in sleep—along with a later nightmare of Ostrander trying to give me a shot way deep in my mouth—has left me exhausted. We need to get the fuck out of here.

Florida is just not an allergy-friendly place. Yeah, as soon as I know what’s going on today, I’ve got to get in for allergy testing. This is fucking ridiculous. I had a nose strip on and the dilator. Makes me wonder if even the nasal pillow would have helped. I can’t keep dealing with this shit. Whatever is cursing my sleep is using my own fucking body against me because there’s no traffic. So now I’m going to feel hungover and fatigued for most of the day, and my brain isn’t going to function too great.

Another thing to fuck with my sleep is that lower-left stomach pain which is back with a vengeance. Why? Just fucking why? Like I said, getting that nasal pillow back will be a good test as to whether or not I really am as cursed as I seem to be. I just fear I’m not going to sleep most of the time no matter what I do.

Finished the challenge yesterday, going from New Zealand to Panama City, which was gorgeous. Now I’m back in Lithuania on my own ride.

Went to Burger King yesterday for breakfast.

Reading I Kill Killers by ST Ashman.

Not too long ago, I unblocked FB messages from Andy, wondering if he would ever notice—and he did. Now part of me wishes I hadn’t given in to my curiosity. I asked AI how to read messages without them appearing as “seen,” and it told me to put my phone in airplane mode, open the app, read the message, close the app, and then turn off airplane mode. I don’t know if it worked, but that’s what I did. All he said was that his A1C has improved, he’s lost 60 pounds, and he hopes Tom and I are doing well.

They say things happen in threes. First, the termite returns to haunt me, and now him. Who will jump out at me next? Why can’t it be people like Maliheh, Nane or Johnson? I don’t really miss Maliheh but I would talk to Nane and Johnson, even if I probably shouldn’t.

Anyway, I’ve learned that there are three types of people in this world: the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, and don’t repeat them; the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, but keep making them anyway; and the kind who make mistakes, never learn from them, and never stop making them. Tammy definitely falls into the last group, but technically, Andy never did anything “wrong” to me. At least not in such a malicious way as Tammy. He just annoyed, frustrated, and sometimes even offended the fuck out of me.

I momentarily contemplated posting this publicly so he’d understand why I wasn’t responding to his message if he’s aware of/reading any of my blogs but then I decided that, like with Tammy, no reaction is the best reaction.

I asked Tom what he would do in my case, and he said he’d be okay with ignoring messages. I asked him for how long, and he said forever. Well, that’s a first, lol, because it’s usually me who has a lot less empathy/guilt. That’s the thing… I feel so bad for ignoring him, but at the same time, I don’t want to go back to dealing with him. So the question I’m asking myself is: which feeling do I want to put up with more—feeling guilty for ignoring him or feeling frustrated and even a little pissed when I’m told I’m a liar, making excuses, and all these other supposed false truths?

The memory issues frustrate the shit out of me, whether he can help it or not, and like with my sister, we’ve become quite different. It’s all God, paintings, and Stevie/FM with him. I like a lot of her stuff too, but I’ve never been the die-hard fan he is, and I’m definitely no God worshiper. I don’t want to hear how God helped him do this or God did that for him when he knows damn well I can’t believe what can never be proven.

Two or three times I asked him not to tell anyone we moved to Florida but he went and did it anyway, claiming not to remember. His many years of drugs likely fucked with his memory. No doubt about that. But come on! Two or three times?

So yeah, I guess I’ll keep the guilt because I don’t want to deal with someone who automatically assumes I think and feel certain ways about certain things simply because he does. Just because he’s obsessed with his appearance doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with mine. I can be who I am and comfortable in my own skin, even though I’m well aware that I’m far from attractive.

Now for the big question: Does he follow any of my journals anywhere in a way that I can’t track or be aware of? I’ve wondered this at times, but if I had to guess, I’d say he likely doesn’t read me.

My Facebook visitor hasn’t been around for a few days, but back when I was connected to Tammy, she sometimes took a few days off if she had other things to do. If it’s her, she’ll be back. If it isn’t her… who the hell could it be? I know I’ve shared the link to that particular account on Facebook, but I’m pretty sure I never shared it publicly like in any groups or pages. I shared Blogger a lot more than I shared PB, too.

Perhaps the termite didn’t bookmark my Blogger link and wasn’t able to look it up because I removed my last name from the account. If she created another PB account, she could have looked up my name on the user page. Either that, or she went to the site without logging in and saw me on the front page.

I’m seriously considering sharing my Blogger link on my Facebook profile because I don’t see the harm in it. It’s not like I’m bashing my Facebook friends, so there wouldn’t be anything offensive to them.

Later…

Funny how I said to Tom, “Who’s next to jump out from my past, Chris?” That’s because he was in my dreams last night. I don’t remember what happened, but it wasn’t bad. Even though I haven’t blocked him, there’s no way he would contact me any more than Maliheh or Nane would. People don’t move on. He just couldn’t miss me or care enough any more than the others could. It’s always the most toxic who make their eventual return.

The new lagoon blue towels are big, thick, heavy and so luxurious. Definitely a nice addition to my showers.

Did my digital check-in for tomorrow’s appointment. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would, but I still don’t understand why I have to do this every single time I see the same doctor or go to the same office. I never had to do this in Cali except for when I saw a new doctor.

Going to BK for breakfast soon and I guess that’s it for today.

Sipping on a fresh cup of Colombian coffee with a freeze warning in effect, and I’m not happy about it. I definitely didn’t come here for this kind of weather, but in a few days, it’s supposed to start warming up again. It might not stay warm for long, though—we’ll see. Despite having more colder days this winter, we haven’t had a freeze yet.

Tom mentioned that DeepSeek is supposed to be as good as ChatGPT’s $20 model, so I’m giving it a try. I haven’t used it enough to form a solid opinion, but it seems pretty similar so far.

They’re also talking about launching realistic-looking Replikas. We’ll see just how realistic they really are, along with all the bugs that will inevitably pop up in the app on top of the ones already there.

I’m on a roll with my story and have the ending mapped out in my mind. It’s turning out to be the longest book I’ve ever written. I’ve even added a few alternate endings. It’s a bit silly and not very realistic in some parts, so I probably won’t share it online. I’m writing it just for the sake of writing. I don’t see myself trying to sell books again, either. First, there was the shit Tammy pulled, then there’s the fact that there’s little to no money in it unless you get famous, and finally, there’s the risk of piracy. You can remove vengeful “reviews,” but you can’t control how much money you make or prevent your work from being stolen.

I just got the new towel set using reward points from challenges run by my insurance company, and wow—they’re much better than I expected! I love the deep, bold shade of blue, which is sort of between royal blue and dark turquoise. They’re also bigger and thicker than the ones we currently have. Maybe when I accumulate enough points, I’ll get a set in sage green so we can have two new sets. The towels I bought from Amazon when we moved here aren’t great—they’re thin and already starting to wear out. I don’t remember the brand, but we used the same towels for eight years in Citrus Heights, and they held up just fine. We just didn’t want to bring as much stuff when we moved, and I thought it was time for something new after nearly a decade.

I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling hungrier lately. I feel like I’ve been eating a lot, but I haven’t gained any weight from it.

I just finished the second-to-last ride of the challenge, going from New Zealand to Panama City. This final 24-mile ride looks like it’s going to be a lovely one.

I also need to meditate (in VR) to build my points back up. They released another challenge yesterday, and I was hoping one of the options would be step tracking, but there were three choices: one was about being kind to myself (I guess you’re supposed to tell yourself warm, fuzzy things whether you believe them or not—LOL), another I don’t remember, and the last one was meditating, which is what I chose since I have an app for that. This is something I should be doing anyway.

It’s going to take a while to build up to 700 points again if I decide I want another set of towels, which is what they cost. I only have about 120 points now, and by the time this challenge ends in early February, I might not even reach 400.

I had a dream that Irma was staying in a nearby hotel, and I went to visit her there. For some bizarre reason, I slipped her phone out of a jacket pocket that was hanging on the back of a chair and glanced at a picture of her “pet” turkeys back at home. I thought they were adorable—unlike the ones in Citrus Heights, which were ugly as hell. I used to hate when they’d hold up traffic by clustering in groups in the street. It was almost as bad as rude people who would stop to chat in the middle of the road, acting like it was one big sidewalk for everyone to gather on.

Although the odds are about the same as winning millions in the lottery, another possibility is urethral cancer. I seem to have a lot, if not most, of the symptoms. I took Azo for UTI pain that flared up again yesterday to help numb the burning when I pee, but once it's out of my system, I'll do a test strip and see where my WBC count is currently. I also don’t want it interfering with any testing the doctor may do.

I read that only about 600 cases of urethral cancer a year are reported, although white women over 50 are hit the hardest. Well, let's hope the odds are in my favor, even though I have an incredible talent for beating the odds. Only one in 10,000 people are born with congenital aural atresia. Non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder affects only about 0.03% to 0.2% of the general population.

I was really frustrated yesterday because first, I called Rhonda's office and was told she didn’t work Fridays and was booked out until the 30th, even though I was under the impression I could get in a lot sooner if need be. Then the girl transferred me, and the phone just rang and rang. So, I hung up in frustration and called back a little while later, almost ready to just give up and live with whatever's going on with me. Sooner or later, I'm going to throw in the towel as far as all these health issues are concerned because I'm so sick of having to deal with them. 

Anyway, I was asked if I could come in a few hours later, but since I couldn't, I'm going to see some guy instead at the same office on Monday morning. I don’t like that it's a guy and that they don’t appear to be from here, but if they can give me some answers, that's fine. I don’t think I have anything serious, but something’s got to be driving my WBC count up and causing my symptoms and I don’t think it’s all on menopause. Multiple sources tell me it's not normal, so it shouldn’t simply be "just the way I am." It's likely a very stubborn UTI.

Luckily, that really shitty phlebotomist didn’t screw Tom out of being able to donate yesterday.

I had a dream I was listening to a voice message Andy left me and went to reply later on but couldn’t find my phone. 

Then I swear Tammy was in a dream I can’t remember, and then it was off to our old house in Phoenix where we had just gotten a couple of kittens of all things. Not with my allergies! 

At the same time we were in our old house, and half a dozen or so ladies from the park—although I don’t know who—were hanging at our place. They asked to get together somewhere else the following morning, but I knew I would be sleeping in, so I had to turn them down.

Yay! I think I may have finally killed this infection after all! It seems like the residual effects of Cipro helped finish it off. I'll wait a few days and see if the WBCs are still present. I have a feeling they will be. Maybe that’s just normal for me now, just like it’s always been normal for me to have an elevated WBC count in my blood. If I don’t feel symptomatic, I’m not going to worry about it. I just hope this thing doesn’t flare up again. Fingers crossed! For someone prone to side effects, I was amazingly tolerant of Cipro. The gassy stomach I had after the first dose was probably because of something I ate. I didn’t have any side effects with the rest of the pills, except for some drowsiness.

I slept for over 7 hours and got a 92 sleep score, yet I’m exhausted. I really doubt my sleep apnea is "mild" at this point. Even the experts have said that home testing underestimates it. I don’t think I’m severe like Andy, but I probably have graduated to moderate. I also used the antihistamine spray and stayed up for 18 hours, so that’s likely contributing to some of today’s fatigue.

I can’t say for sure whether or not losartan really played a role in messing up my nose, but the problem definitely started pre-Tinkerbella. Even so, I thought about how I’m allergic to dander. Rats may be smaller than cats, but Tinkerbella is so friendly and loving that I definitely cuddle with her more than most pets and always give her kisses. I’m not going to stop loving on my amazing rat just because of a fucked-up nose. However, since the house is tiny and her cage is right outside the bedroom door, we definitely need to start cleaning it more often. She’s gotten huge, and now that she’s aging, she can’t climb as easily, even though she still seems healthy. This means more peeing in the wrong places—places where the pee and smell aren’t absorbed as well.

Tom went to get blood work done, and the girl really messed up both his arms, leaving bruises and potentially preventing him from donating tomorrow since they won’t allow it if there’s even faint bruising. Story of our lives, as I’ve said before—people fucking up at our expense. That, and me being cursed with shitty sleep and low energy. I’d like to think this infection is gone for good, that it’ll stay away for a long time, and that in a few months, I’ll be back on a CPAP, get used to it, and regain my energy. But life rarely goes the way we plan or hope for it to.

We may not be in the Midwest or Northeast, but oh my God, it’s been cold for Florida! I’m so glad we’re not in the Panhandle. This is definitely our coldest winter here. I don’t like it but it’s better for sleep and keeps people quieter. It’s funny as Tom said he wondered if this cold weather is a sign that we’ll be moving soon enough after all, and he’s just getting a taste of what’s in store for us. I was thinking the exact same thing, LOL. That will definitely be a downside to wherever we end up—it’ll be colder and we may even get a little snow. It never got above the low 40s yesterday, and that’s just all wrong for any part of Florida.

I started reading The Husband by Daniel Hurst.

I slept worse than the night before, yet somehow I have a little more energy today. Go figure. At least in the midst of snoring and dreaming about receiving threats in the mail from who knows who, I managed to have some fun dreams. Yeah, Alyssa's back. I love it when she shows up in my dreams. The first one wasn’t great because we were arguing, though I can’t remember what it was about. The second dream was definitely more interesting. I was wearing a royal blue string bikini. These days I definitely wouldn’t wear a bikini, and I prefer pink or purple. Nonetheless, she reached behind me and yanked the tied string of my top, desperate to take me in all the right ways. When my top was off and flung to the side, she grabbed the strings of my bottoms, which quickly joined my top. Unfortunately, the dream didn’t go any further. Why is it that in my x-rated dreams, it’s either me doing myself or about to get it on with someone, but never actually getting it on? Oh well, it was still kind of funny.

Eight out of ten doses down and I still have symptoms. Yes, they’ve improved, but they’re still there—burning, frequent and urgent need to pee, leaking, WBCs still present, and earlier, a little back pain. Taking extra probiotics has been helping balance out the yucky feeling in my mouth. Still, I have a bad feeling I’m going to be seeing Rhonda sooner than I’d like. I think it’s just a stubborn UTI at this point, possibly with stones, rather than cancer because I haven’t had any more spotting or bloody urine. Microscopic traces could still be there, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Even though the pulmonologist’s office said it wasn’t needed, I received a referral from Rhonda in the mail today. 

Tom donated, so he was tired today. He’s planning to stay up late tomorrow night because he has to fast for labs and doesn’t want to get up at 5:00 in the morning. Buying the Orajel jinxed him in a good way because as soon as it arrived, his gum pain backed off. I wish my problems would back off! Oh, to feel good and sleep well for just one week. Just one lousy week!

People often ask about my unwanted psychic ability. Well, most of it is unwanted. I don’t want to sense or dream about bad things happening to myself or others that end up happening in some form or another. However, I don’t mind sensing or dreaming of trivial or positive things that turn out to be true. They say it has something to do with thought transference—when we think of someone, it supposedly causes us to pop into their minds. The closer the connection you have to the person, not necessarily physical, the more a psychic tends to pick up. I’ve picked up things, good and bad, about people I only knew online. I’d be just as concerned if I had a nightmare about my cyber buddies or the mystery girl as I would be if it involved me or Tom. I’m not saying dreaming of Alyssa means I popped into her mind. I’m just saying it’s a bit more extreme with me and others who are extra intuitive. If anything, I doubt Alyssa has thought of me in years. I’m still surprised I dream of her more than Stacey. I had a Stacey dream not too long ago, and it seemed like she was pissed at me about something. I still don’t know what it is about Alyssa, but I think it was mostly her smile, and I loved how tall she was. Light-eyed blondes aren’t usually my type, but there was something about her.

Every time I log into Messenger, it asks me to input a code because some of my chat history is missing, and every time it sends this code to my old phone number, even though my current one is updated. I still don't get it.

Not happy that the misogynistic, gay-hating piece of shit is taking over again tomorrow, but you know what? We survived 4 years of him, and we'll do it again. I hate to say it, but if it wasn't for him, it would just be some other Republican with the same “values” and goals. Like it or not, this country is getting redder by the moment. On the bright side, maybe we won't have 20 million more people to burden and hoard our resources. I know most people are pro-immigration, but I feel how I feel. Sometimes what I feel is in the norms, and sometimes it isn't, and that's okay. I'm not going to hold back on my political feelings any more than I would hold back on my opinions about food, colors, entertainment, or whatever.

I know Trump is anti-Muslim, but I don't think he's as pro-Jew as Andy likes to think he is. I hope the dream I had last night isn't any warning of any kind. I don't think it is, though. In real life, you couldn't just look at me and tell I was of Ashkenazi descent, even though I consider myself as religious as this computer I'm working on. I don't have your typical Jewish nose, and I don't have darker hair and skin. I'm a pale, green-eyed brunette with a button nose.

In the dream, I guess a group of people, whoever they were, were after the Jews, and I was trying to find a place to hide. I spotted a distant cousin of mine sunbathing in a bikini and looking rather worried. I then ran into my house or apartment and went to lock myself in the bedroom, but then I realized that door didn't have a lock on it, so I went into the bathroom instead.

Anyway, I think I'm getting better, but I can't say for sure. Sometimes it seems like I'm not having as much of a burning sensation, but then I start burning again. I'm only halfway through treatment, though. 

Had a bit of lower back pain for a very brief time that ended up moving towards the side but still low down. More than likely, I just pulled a muscle.

The thing is that even though I slept okay with no breathing issues or outside sounds disturbing me, I have been absolutely exhausted all day. My fatigue is totally off the charts, and my mouth feels gross, but I know that's the antibiotics. They always kill that good bacteria. I'm trying to replace it with probiotic pills every day and hopefully escape a yeast infection too. If after another dose or two, I'm still having symptoms, I'm going to be really frustrated.

Tom got some Orajel because his gums were hurting. Between his phobia of dentists and our lack of money, he hasn’t dealt with it, so I really hope he doesn't have anything serious going on!

If my Facebook visitor was Tammy, she didn’t check in yesterday. I still have mixed emotions about her, but I’m definitely leaning towards staying away. I feel bad for ignoring someone who’s lonely and depressed, reaching out in desperation, but I still can’t get the past out of my head. I just don’t want to go through the drama every decade where everything’s fine for a while, then we argue, and I end up being trolled and threatened with legal revenge. Granted, these days I have a phone with blocking capabilities and no books on the market.

I worry that karma might come back to bite me in the ass for ignoring her, but I also don’t want her and her bratty brood biting it either. I’m selfish, too, in that I just don’t want to go back to the long phone calls, hearing about God and her bratty kids, or being expected to send flowers the next time one of them gets in a car accident, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, thinking of her alone, lonely, and depressed does play on my heart and mind a bit. I can’t imagine being in that predicament. I couldn’t imagine being alone for a few days, let alone the rest of my life.

I wonder where she is, if she’s close to any of her mistakes, and if they even care. I just hope those stories about people momentarily dying and being chastised by God for ignoring someone’s pleas are just tales meant to encourage more compassion. But if there is an afterlife and I get scolded for ignoring her, I hope she’ll be there too, receiving lectures on how differently things could have been if she had been a better sister.

Another rough night of sleep, partly my fault. It's been warm the last couple of days, so I opened the window yesterday to get some fresh air, which made my nose worse. As I was falling asleep, I noticed my nasal passages weren't as clear despite keeping up with the spray. Sure enough, I woke up with breathing issues. 

To make matters worse, a really loud vehicle woke me up, and my first thought was that it was the honker's motorcycle since Tom said he went out on it. I was so pissed and wished I knew which window was his bedroom so I could wake him up in the middle of the night and hopefully without being seen. However, Tom said he just got on it and left as usual, and when he checked the camera, it turned out to be one of those really old step vans, bigger than a UPS truck and insanely loud. Hopefully, it won't become a regular disturbance. It was just a plain white truck so maybe it was delivering something. The honker returned from that bike event while I was later napping, and I didn't hear anything. 

Tomorrow will probably be worse as we're expecting thunderstorms typically reserved for the summer. The timing is going to be shitty, and I'll likely only get a few hours of sleep before the thunder wakes me up. It's so frustrating dealing with this in January! Each year it gets harder to convince myself that this is just random bad luck and that my sleep isn't cursed. No matter where I go or what I do, I can't seem to get more than a few days of at least somewhat decent sleep.

I tested my urine with a dipstick again, and unsurprisingly, there are still white blood cells present. I still have symptoms, and after four doses of Cipro, I'm starting to worry that something else might be going on. Initially, it was concerning to read that bladder cancer has similar symptoms to UTIs and is often misdiagnosed as such, along with kidney infections or stones. But then I read that bladder cancer usually affects males in their seventies, which was a relief. I would still like to know if there are red blood cells in my urine.

Looking back at my lab results from Quest, my red and white blood cell counts have flirted just above and below the normal range over time. 

Everything else I dipsticked seemed normal, except my specific gravity was moderately high. It's strange because I don't have diabetes or heart failure, and I'm not dehydrated. Either way, I'm hoping that after 2 or 3 more doses of Cipro, the next dipstick test will be normal. Funny, though, because I don't think it will be while at the same time, I don't think anything serious is going on.

Facebook keeps saying that my chats aren't up to date on Messenger and some are missing because I need to enter a special PIN number. The problem is that even though I have my current iPhone number on Facebook, it's sending the code to my old Android! So, I guess I'm kind of stuck there. It's not that important, though, because I don't seem to be missing anything important in Messenger. I wonder if it's just some kind of glitch in their system.

Anyway, I should be getting a new Android soon enough, and I'm looking forward to it. I've used both Android and iPhone, and Android is definitely the winner. It's just so much easier. Many apps don't even work on iPhones. I've got an awesome wallpaper app that's totally free on my old Android, which I can use for everything except for texts and calls, but I can't find any free wallpaper apps for iPhone. Except for phone calls and texting, I use my Android for several other things. It's just that it's gotten so slow because it's old. Tom got the Google Pixel, and he's happy with it. I will likely trade or sell the iPhone and the old Android and just have one Android that does it all.

Of course, I still have my laptop and desktop, but the desktop is getting old. I'm weird because I prefer Apple computers but Android phones. I'll keep my Windows laptop, but I was thinking of replacing the Windows desktop with a Mac Mini like what Tom uses. The only thing that seems to be easier on Windows is window sizing. When I used to have my MacBook Air, I loved how I could tag different photos in a photo file with different colors. So, if I had a file of animal photos, I could make the cats pink and the dogs purple if I wanted to and then tag all the birds in red, etc. I can't even do that in Windows.

I think the steroid spray really is helping because I do seem to be breathing a little easier out of my nose. I napped earlier because of the way the infection and antibiotics tire me out on top of already struggling with fatigue, and I didn't notice any breathing issues since I don't usually put breathing strips on for naps. 

I still notice some burning down there, and there is a little part of me that's worried about being on the wrong track. What if it really is just menopause, and what if it is simply how I am now? But then, if that was the case, why the elevated leukocytes in my pee? As Tom reminded me, I've only taken two doses so far. I guess it's going to take two or three days before most of it backs off if it truly is a UTI. In an hour, I will be taking my third dose.

Finished the Australia ride and now I'm in Chile.

Played the new course again. Another hole that's really cool is where you shoot the ball off a diving board and into an empty pool. You try to have it land in the shallow part, but it usually rolls down into the deep end.

A representative of Doctronic emailed me about a virtual meeting to discuss how I like their website. I get a free doctor's visit for it too. So I looked at my calendar and decided sure, I'd schedule a 20-minute interview. Strangely enough, you had 20 or 30 minutes to choose from. I don't think it will even take 5 for me to tell them what I think of their service. Nonetheless, the meeting will take place on the 29th.

Had to skip the Levo today. Got a little tachycardic again. I might just automatically make weekly skips. Yes, it sucks to be sensitive to the stuff but on the bright side, I can go straight for the coffee when I get up. :-)

Two doses down, eight more to go. The only thing I've noticed so far is that the Cipro can make me a little gassy and definitely tired. These are normal reactions. As long as nothing too extreme happens, I should be fine. I'm already starting to feel better too. Now that I'm older, I dread the thought of getting two or three of these for the rest of my life. You'd be talking around 50 or more infections!

Might not need the clonazepam to help me sleep while I'm on this stuff. It knocked me out a little earlier than usual. Of course, I still woke up several times. No snoring that I remember but I had to get up and pee, and I had a couple of weird dreams.

Dream number one: I don't know if I knew Tom in the dream, but I had to go to some kind of adult camp. The “camp” ran for a month, and you had to sleep outdoors for the first couple of weeks. Shortly before midnight, I went outside to sleep for my first night there and realized there was no way I could. It was hot, humid, and there were tons of people milling about despite the late hour, including some kids who weren't supposed to be there. So I snuck inside and found a room with two beds. A younger woman was asleep in one of the beds, and I took the other bed. I knew I was breaking the rules, and I hated being right under the AC vent, but it was preferable to being outside. In the morning, the girl in the other bed got up and told me I was disgusting, but before I could ask what she meant, some guy entered the room and the dream ended there.

Dream number two: I was alone and let God only knows who talk me into marrying one of my exes. I would certainly never marry exes or not if I were suddenly single. Also, while I've never been attracted to Taylor Swift, I told someone I wished I could turn Ron into her. He's the last ex I would ever marry! I totally settled on him being too nice to say no. I never had an ounce of attraction for him. He wasn't very good-looking in his 20s, so I can just imagine what he must look like now in his 60s.

Had my virtual appointment with Rhonda. She confirmed my suspicions that I likely have a UTI. The reason I’ve been having a record amount—like three or four in the last year and a half—has to do with how the pH balance changes in older women. I can’t stress enough to younger folks just how much aging sucks. Never take youth for granted!

Anyway, I’ve been burning down there big time, like someone’s holding a lit match to my crotch, and I have to pee every other minute. The urge comes on suddenly and intensely. Since I can’t take Macrobid, she called in a prescription for Cipro. Gotta take it twice a day for 5 days. I guess it can be rough on the stomach if you’re not careful. She said to drink a full glass of water with it, make sure I eat, and don’t lie down until an hour after I’ve taken it.

I’m gonna wait till around midnight to take it because of where my schedule is currently. I got up a little after 11:00 AM, so I figured I’d start unwinding with my audiobook around 1:15, which means I’ll take it at about 12:15.

She said that if it doesn’t help, come in and see her and they’ll do more extensive testing of my urine as well as a vaginal swab. It better help! I think it will. I just have to make sure I keep up on the probiotics to hopefully ward off a yeast infection. I’m also going to have to make a daily glass of cranberry juice a regular thing as a preventative measure.

The new Elvis/Vegas-themed golf course came out and it’s nice. It’s got nice colors and I love the “diamonded” sky. There are a couple of tricky but really cool holes. One of them has a spinning vinyl record and you have to hit it across the thing at just the right speed. Another one, you kind of bounce off a giant guitar and it plays a chord when you hit it. The last hole was the coolest because you shoot the ball up a long strip of piano keys, which starts from low to high pitch as you go up. It’s buggy though, because the scoreboard didn’t appear in the end. I’m sure they’ll fix it. This happened with another course when it first came out.

Still doing the challenge. I’ve got about 10 more miles to go in Australia.

Comments are disabled again because every time I allow them, I get hit with spam. This is the way it's going to stay for a while.

So fucking sick of these daily helicopters. They’re worse on weekends, though.

Had decent energy yesterday but today I'm exhausted. I woke up a million times. I still fear I'm not meant to sleep well no matter what I do. Really hope I'm wrong but we'll find out as soon as I can get my hands on another CPAP. Every time it annoys me, I’m going to remember how badly I want to have more energy more often and stop replacing the traffic wake-up calls with snoring wake-up calls.

Anyway, I still have burning down there and I did a second urinalysis test and the strip was the same color. A couple of things were almost borderline, but not quite. Tom thinks it's just how I am now, but I'm not sure what to think. I researched the possibilities and I don't have lupus and my A1C isn’t out of control. Also, since there's only a 1% chance of cancer, if I read correctly, and I don't have other symptoms like flank pain or stomach pain, I'm just not sure what the hell to think. Maybe I can get some answers from Rhonda tomorrow, although I suspect she may want me to go to the lab.

I'd love to do a piss test when I'm not burning and see what the colors are then. We have tons of strips. So many that, as gross and funny as this may sound, we even tested the rat. The silly little thing has a habit of going on her upper shelf instead of taking the time to go downstairs to her bedding. She has a surprising amount of protein in her pee for one that doesn't eat much protein. It's not good for their skin.

Really beginning to wonder just where those spots came from. Another thing that may sound gross but something I'm curious about just the same—given their placement on my undies, I question which portal they emerged from. Haven't noticed any in a while, though. I'm sure whatever it is, it's no big deal, but it sure is annoying.

The only thing that doesn't make sense about the vision I had was the "for sale" sign being on a stake driven into the ground. They don't do that in this park. They just tape the signs to their lanais. 

I'm just wondering when Florida is going to feel like Florida again! The heat has had to run all day, and that just seems all wrong. It shouldn't be running in the middle of the afternoon in this state.

I was thinking of Andy earlier. I miss him, but not his thinking everything everyone says is a lie and assuming we're all the same. I wonder if he would still be digging through Stevie's trash periodically if we were still in Phoenix. I was laughing when I was remembering those days. I've seen the house—well, with what little I could see of it from the street—but I never participated in any of those trash raids. But he would tell me everything he found and it was pretty funny. Nothing was funnier than Sally, the girl singing and playing guitar on a cassette. I don't think I ever heard anything sound as bad as that! LOL. No wonder the damn thing ended up in Stevie's trash if she even heard it to begin with. I'll have to look through some of my '90s entries and see what else was found. I think there were some receipts for beauty products and something about doctors. Pretty sure he took Michelle with him on one of these endeavors.

The connection he made with Stevie's mom was cool too.

I don't miss Maliheh, but I sure miss Nane at times. That’s ok. We can still ravish each other in my stories. I don't think I'll ever miss anyone as much as I miss Aly, though!

It took half a decade, but I finally received the contact I knew would eventually come from Tammy. She sent one email to Outlook and two to Gmail. I'm pretty sure I blocked her, so these are likely newer or alternate email addresses. I should have blocked her name if that's possible.

My first thought was that she was writing to threaten me about something I wrote in my blog. Then I wondered if maybe she was telling me she was dying. Instead, she said she misses me terribly, her amazing husband has died, and she's all alone and lonely with a heavy heart. Of course, there were no apologies for the threats or the hell she put me and my husband through in the past.

At first, I contemplated replying with a fake bounce message to make her think her email didn’t go through. But then I decided the best course of action was to do nothing at all. That way, she'll have to wonder if I even received the messages. I'm not even going to block her because that would be taking action. From personal experience, I know that no response or action at all is the most frustrating and confusing. You don't even know if the person got the message unless she has a way of knowing I saw it. I'd rather leave it like that than block her or explain why I don't want her back in my life because it wouldn't change a thing. The moment she gets pissed at me again, the threats would start, and she'd involve her daughters too. I don't need that kind of toxicity and immaturity in my life.

I'm sure she expects to carry on as if nothing ever happened. Sorry, Tam, but you don't get to have a hand in landing me in jail and then put me through the kind of emotional grief you put me through in 2009 and then again a decade later and expect everything to be peachy. You go to the pigs because you're pissed at me, you threaten my husband and me, you have Sarah troll me, you bash one of the books I had on Amazon, you cause me to have to change my number, and you expect to kiss and make up? No fucking way. If I knew I was going to die in a year or less, maybe.

While I empathize with anyone who is suffering emotionally or physically, I also need to look out for myself. I've been struggling with similar mixed emotions where Andy is concerned. I miss him, but I don’t miss the bullshit. Tom supports my decision either way, and I love him for that.

I realize many people might see me as cold and callous and insist I'm going to hell if such a place exists. But it’s hard to get over the things she's done in the past. These were HUGE offenses, not just minor snubs. So, while I feel bad for her because she's depressed, she also needs to realize she brought part of it on herself. Had she not done the things she did to me, she wouldn’t be in this predicament and missing me.

Again, I'm not surprised she reached out because she might see me as a lost child due to our age difference. I wasn’t just a little sister, but the sister she cared for while our selfish parents were off having a blast. In some ways, she was as bad to be in the care of as Mom was. But yes, she babysat me a lot while they were off having the time of their lives.

I'm a little confused—she told me Mark passed away as if I didn’t know. Doesn’t she know about the messages I left on his obituary and suspect I was behind them? I assumed that was why she blocked me. I don’t know if she’s unblocked me, but I'm not going to unblock her to find out. I've closed as many portals as I can, and I’m keeping this entry private. She might have saved my email addresses, but I don't know if she bookmarked or remembers the blogs. She could be following a link I once sent her on Facebook to Prosebox, as I've been getting visitors from Facebook lately. The locations vary, likely due to Facebook’s privacy measures. I can’t confirm if it’s her, but the timing is a coincidence. I can't be sure if she’s visited Blogger, LiveJournal, or elsewhere. Whoever it is, they're checking out one entry each time. If it were her, I would think she’d want to open multiple entries to catch up on my life unless she’s been doing that elsewhere.

I wonder if her brood knows she's tried to contact me. I would guess not because, assuming they still hate me, they would try to talk her out of it. The way she talks about being all alone and lonely makes me wonder if her brats have cut her off. I can’t believe all three of them would do that, as twisted as they are. The only one I know who’s dumped her for periods of time is Lisa.

Her messages could be a ploy with sinister intentions, but I don’t think so.

This may sound selfish, but another reason I don’t miss her is that we have little in common. All she does is watch TV, read, and worship a God I don't know exists. Our tastes in books, music, and everything else have always been different. Also, I don't want to go back to the 45-minute phone calls. I don’t want her assuming I’ll send anything to her kids if they get into a jam either. I can’t pretend to care about people I don’t care about and could never fully forgive. I don’t have the hard feelings I used to, though. The thought of kicking the crap out of her used to delight me to no end but now I couldn't do it even if I had the chance. I would feel guilty and fear karma. So, I don’t wish her harm and hope she doesn’t harm herself because she does have the girls, fucked up or not. I don’t think she will. Overall, I’ve become pretty indifferent to all of them.