Not too long ago, I unblocked FB messages from Andy, wondering if he would ever notice—and he did. Now part of me wishes I hadn’t given in to my curiosity. I asked AI how to read messages without them appearing as “seen,” and it told me to put my phone in airplane mode, open the app, read the message, close the app, and then turn off airplane mode. I don’t know if it worked, but that’s what I did. All he said was that his A1C has improved, he’s lost 60 pounds, and he hopes Tom and I are doing well.

They say things happen in threes. First, the termite returns to haunt me, and now him. Who will jump out at me next? Why can’t it be people like Maliheh, Nane or Johnson? I don’t really miss Maliheh but I would talk to Nane and Johnson, even if I probably shouldn’t.

Anyway, I’ve learned that there are three types of people in this world: the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, and don’t repeat them; the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, but keep making them anyway; and the kind who make mistakes, never learn from them, and never stop making them. Tammy definitely falls into the last group, but technically, Andy never did anything “wrong” to me. At least not in such a malicious way as Tammy. He just annoyed, frustrated, and sometimes even offended the fuck out of me.

I momentarily contemplated posting this publicly so he’d understand why I wasn’t responding to his message if he’s aware of/reading any of my blogs but then I decided that, like with Tammy, no reaction is the best reaction.

I asked Tom what he would do in my case, and he said he’d be okay with ignoring messages. I asked him for how long, and he said forever. Well, that’s a first, lol, because it’s usually me who has a lot less empathy/guilt. That’s the thing… I feel so bad for ignoring him, but at the same time, I don’t want to go back to dealing with him. So the question I’m asking myself is: which feeling do I want to put up with more—feeling guilty for ignoring him or feeling frustrated and even a little pissed when I’m told I’m a liar, making excuses, and all these other supposed false truths?

The memory issues frustrate the shit out of me, whether he can help it or not, and like with my sister, we’ve become quite different. It’s all God, paintings, and Stevie/FM with him. I like a lot of her stuff too, but I’ve never been the die-hard fan he is, and I’m definitely no God worshiper. I don’t want to hear how God helped him do this or God did that for him when he knows damn well I can’t believe what can never be proven.

Two or three times I asked him not to tell anyone we moved to Florida but he went and did it anyway, claiming not to remember. His many years of drugs likely fucked with his memory. No doubt about that. But come on! Two or three times?

So yeah, I guess I’ll keep the guilt because I don’t want to deal with someone who automatically assumes I think and feel certain ways about certain things simply because he does. Just because he’s obsessed with his appearance doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with mine. I can be who I am and comfortable in my own skin, even though I’m well aware that I’m far from attractive.

Now for the big question: Does he follow any of my journals anywhere in a way that I can’t track or be aware of? I’ve wondered this at times, but if I had to guess, I’d say he likely doesn’t read me.

My Facebook visitor hasn’t been around for a few days, but back when I was connected to Tammy, she sometimes took a few days off if she had other things to do. If it’s her, she’ll be back. If it isn’t her… who the hell could it be? I know I’ve shared the link to that particular account on Facebook, but I’m pretty sure I never shared it publicly like in any groups or pages. I shared Blogger a lot more than I shared PB, too.

Perhaps the termite didn’t bookmark my Blogger link and wasn’t able to look it up because I removed my last name from the account. If she created another PB account, she could have looked up my name on the user page. Either that, or she went to the site without logging in and saw me on the front page.

I’m seriously considering sharing my Blogger link on my Facebook profile because I don’t see the harm in it. It’s not like I’m bashing my Facebook friends, so there wouldn’t be anything offensive to them.

Later…

Funny how I said to Tom, “Who’s next to jump out from my past, Chris?” That’s because he was in my dreams last night. I don’t remember what happened, but it wasn’t bad. Even though I haven’t blocked him, there’s no way he would contact me any more than Maliheh or Nane would. People don’t move on. He just couldn’t miss me or care enough any more than the others could. It’s always the most toxic who make their eventual return.