I just finished watching a scary movie and I’m now just about ready to drop off. I’m pretty zonked.

This afternoon I saw my allergy doctor and he gave me two inhalers for my asthma and one for my nose.

I am still wide awake and feeling pretty lousy. Earlier I got the urge to make my face up so I did. I took off my lipstick and blush but I still have my eyes all made up.

Linda never called. I wonder if she’s sick or something came up. I also wonder why I haven’t heard from Tammy in two days. I know it’s either shit from her mother, or she’s out with Will. Also, I haven’t spoken with Andy in two days. The only one I speak to every day is Jessie. We love to talk on the phone.

Well, I had a long talk with Nervous’s mother about him calling me and hanging up or just not saying anything and his spying. She says to take him to court if I have to. I now have absolutely no desire to see or talk to this sicko. It’s just gotten way out of hand to the point of no return and you just never know what a sicko like him is gonna do or what’s on his mind. Some friendship it’s been, huh?

I’m supposed to go to CC tomorrow for my intake, but they may be closed cuz we’re supposed to get a huge snowstorm.

This Saturday I’m supposed to return to Steiger’s, but I’ve got to think about it. Do I really want to?

Well, right now I’m a little depressed and lonely but I’m finally starting to get used to it and accept being alone. It’s always better than settling for second best.

I’m cooking some chicken rice right now, hoping Linda the cab driver calls.

I went out earlier to the Holyoke mall with Jessie. There, I bought both Tiffany and Debbie Gibson’s cassette singles.

Surprisingly enough, but then again I guess it’s no real surprise, I haven’t heard from Tammy all day yesterday or today. She’s no doubt out with Will, says Jessie.

Ma called saying she bought me this beautiful dress and it’s a size 6! What is she, crazy? She doesn’t realize how much weight I’ve lost. She hasn’t seen me in a while. She says it’s a loose-knit dress with no zippers or buttons. She’s gonna mail it to me.

There’s this guy, Bruce Y, who I ran into downtown. I’ve run into him a few times. He’s going to Holyoke Community College for the two-year music program for an associate degree in music, which I’m also thinking of doing. He’s nice and he’s not ugly either, but he’s so dull and wimpy, and of course, he turns me on in no way shape or form. Even Jessie spoke to him using my 3-way calling and she agreed.

Bruce says he thinks I’m very attractive and sensitive and seems so amazingly respectful, saying I shouldn’t be with a guy if I’m not happy and would rather be with a woman. He says don’t do anything I don’t want to do that doesn’t feel right.

I was hoping Linda would call cuz I really do like her even though she’s no beauty, and I could really use a chat with her. She really understands being gay too. I wish she’d give me her phone number.

I called Pamela at my dating service and told her our mailboxes are broken and she said she’d give me a call before she mails out anything. I’m still so skeptical about it all, though. I still fear that my type of woman isn’t meant to be.

I finally got my guitar back, thank God. I got it on Andy’s birthday and rode with him in his new car. I bought Linda’s Mad Love music book and also a guinea pig, but I returned the pig. I just don’t want the hassles of changing the cage or buying bails of sawdust or the pellets anymore. Instead, I had Nervous, who’s acting really sick and always stinks and has this horrible body odor, bring Sasha back. I realize my allergies will be killing me but I love this cat to death and missed her terribly. I can’t live with no animals at all.

I saw Dr. Moshiri today at Osborne. He said I seemed much better and that all I’ve gone through has really had an impact on me but that I have amazing strength. He also agreed with me that one never forgets the past, though everyone keeps telling me to forget it. I wish I could!

I have taken half of a Deseril pill for 4 nights now and he says for me to continue that for a week or two and then take a whole one and at that point to stop the Navane.

Tammy called early this morning saying she was fed up with her mother and was leaving and we discussed her coming here but I haven’t heard from her since and she was supposed to call me early this afternoon. Tammy’s not the right person for me, though. She’s got too many problems and a lousy temper.

Sure enough, my case was dismissed. The pig never showed up. I asked my lawyer why, and he said cuz he’d make a complete fool out of himself. The law is that you have to prove one guilty even if they admit they’re guilty. When I told my lawyer I was arrested he was shocked and he agreed that just cuz they’re cops and they wear that badge they think they can do anything. Whether I pleaded guilty or not, he still can’t prove it was me.

I spoke with both Jessie and Stuart today, but not yet with Tammy. She’ll probably call me later. She probably tried to get me last night but I took my phone off the hook so I could go to bed early. Andy probably tried to get me last night, too. It’s Monday, so Ma’s gonna be calling tonight.

When Nervous calls later tonight I’m gonna ask him if he’ll rent a car and bring me back the aquarium I gave him, so I can have him take me to Brightwood in Longmeadow so I can get a pig. I miss having one. The only bitch is buying them food all the time and changing their cage, but it’s worth it. I need the company of a pet.

Today I feel pretty good for a change. Since I turned the heat lower I feel much better and less feverish. I’m gonna write and really practice my piano. My guitar is in the shop cuz it needed new strings and I’m pissed at Phil. He’ll never bring it back today and it’s been ready since Saturday. I’m dying to play.

Guess who I’ve been in contact with every day now on the phone? Jessica S! I went to middle school with her. She’s got a 9-month-old baby boy now named Wyatt Justin and he’s cute. Her adoptive father is Big Bird of Sesame Street. I called Jessie’s mom in Longmeadow and she told me Jessie lived in Feeding Hills so I got her number through information. And sure enough, the guy she was with took off when she got pregnant and does drugs and just wants sex. She understands me really well, though, and accepts me for the way I am and we’ve had a lot of nice talks. I even spent the night in her place and she told me it didn’t even seem like 10 years had gone by since we last saw each other and we are very close friends. She mentioned getting a place together, but I don’t know. I would definitely live with her, though, cuz I’ve known her so long and we get along so well and she’s no thief or druggie.

Later...

Tomorrow I’ve got to go to court. Lucky me. Nervous is going to wake me up. He was over here for the first time in a month and he also has a broken wrist. That’s what he gets for walking around at 2:00 in the morning buying a pack of cigarettes. He says a bunch of guys knocked him down.

I forgot to mention that last weekend I was at Tammy’s house. It was a very nice house. She still says she likes me and wants to have a relationship with me, but I still hardly ever see her. I spoke to both her and Jessie today.

I want to move so bad it isn’t funny. I’m so sick of this place, but who knows when I ever will? I also want a car at times, too.

Believe it or not, I found Jenine M’s number (she’s an entertainment agent) in an old pad of phone numbers and I called her and she did say she had tried to reach me after I changed my number and she said she’d call me either Mon. or Tues. I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high but I’m trying not to think negatively either. My voice is ok, of course, but what really brings it down is my stuffy nose and wheezing. I have finally made an appointment with my allergy doctor. I also think I may have somewhat of the flu now too, which is going around. I usually get it once a year at this time.

I’m so psyched about my piano playing. I’m getting better and better every day. I’ve learned Dr. Beat and Falling in Love and have learned much more of her other songs (Gloria’s) and also, I’m gonna work on some of Linda’s. I’ve learned some of the song Just One Look. I’d say it’s my timing that’s the hardest thing to conquer what with both the left and right hands together. Tomorrow I’m going to work on the song You Made a Fool of Me which I already have a basic idea of now.

All the songs Andy taught me are like a piece of cake now. I love to play Talk to Me most of all.

I just got finished spraying a spider with Raid but I should’ve just killed it with my broom cuz now it stinks in here. Oh well.

Tammy called me today at around 11:30, asking if I’d go with her to her doctor’s appointment and if I’d meet her at 2:00 outside the front of the Civic Center. Well, I stood her up cuz of the way she’s done it to me and for not returning my hairpiece. Also, I was very tired. She called me at 6:00 wanting to know why I wasn’t there. I told her I was sick and tired. She said she waited till 3:30. She told me she was going for her second pregnancy test and that they don’t know if she’s pregnant or not.

Philip took me to Store 24 at about noontime and I got just a few things cuz of the way I’ve been feeling. He’s supposed to call me this morning around 11:00.

I spoke to Nervous and this morning. I told him Philip was coming to take me to the airport and that I’d be gone to Florida for the rest of the month. I’m so sick of him and even talking on the phone to him cuz he really is a sick person. I usually only talk for two seconds then play my game of the crossed call that comes in and he listens and says all kinds of sick, nasty and hateful stuff. I used to find it funny, but now it’s gotten old.

Earlier this evening I was really depressed and I cried the last two nights in a row cuz I haven’t in so long. It takes a lot for me to cry and I usually keep it bottled up inside till it really catches up to me, but I know I must try really hard not to take the Navane unless I absolutely have to. You know, if I get so anxious that I can’t breathe. Crying, though, really did make me feel a lot better much quicker. What I need most of all is a woman. Yeah, sure.

On Showtime last weekend Gloria had a concert special taped in Miami. It was the last concert of her tour. It was great and she looked beautiful. She was also on the music awards too, where she won an award. She looked sexy as all hell and Andy taped it for me so I could see it again. As for Gloria’s concert, it will be on several more times this month and since I don’t have a VCR I’m just gonna tape it on my box.

I spoke to Tony on Monday and was about to tell him how I can’t be his girlfriend and the reasons why when he told me he’s not looking for that and that he was glad we got that out in the open. His basic reason for not wanting me is cuz I don’t have a job, and when I told him that I do have a job, he said, “You just got that job.”

He’s another one who can’t accept me for the way I am and it verifies my belief that I’ll never have anyone decent cuz I haven’t worked in so long. All I’ll get is a desperate mental case. Ma says when the right person comes along, I’ll know it, and I asked her if she thought I was only good enough for the jerks and not the decent people and she said no, that I could get someone decent. I told her it’s not going to be a man. She said that’s good. It’s like she’s happy about my being gay cuz she knows how men are and doesn’t want me getting pregnant.

Andy said that Tony’s excuse about my not working is really stupid and that most guys don’t want their girlfriends to work, cuz then they’re meeting other guys. They want them to stay home and cook and clean, but that’s basically only the assholes.

I’m sending my dating service a check for $80, so in 2 or 3 weeks I should be meeting someone. I’m so skeptical. I doubt any of these women will turn me on like Gloria, whether they’re decent or not.

I definitely cannot sit around all month waiting for work so maybe I’ll go apply at McDonald’s which sucks, but it pays a little more than $5 an hour and has better hours. I really think the first thing I need is that dream girl before I try to make it in music or a better job. Someone who believes in me. I can’t do everything alone. I need some support.

I haven’t heard from Tammy for two days. Guess I’m gonna have to get my hairpiece myself.