Last night I was over to Andy’s for a few hours watching TV and listening to tapes, and I’ve finally finished all my editing!! I edited all those phone calls with us crossing people, and with Fran and Nervous arguing, amongst a lot of other shit. I’m also gonna continue to work on the funny edits. What I mean by the “funny edits,” is when I take either one word or a quick sentence that’s funny, such as Nervo swearing or getting Nervous. Or Andy, Fran or myself saying something funny, and taping it over and over a few times so it sounds like a broken record. It’s totally hilarious. I don’t think I ever wrote about this before.

Currently, I have someone on the phone, who’s been on now for well over an hour, of course, not saying anything, so I’ve played them the edits and other shit over the phone. I wonder if they’re still listening or if they fell asleep.

I’ll try to write as much as I can about happy things, but right now I don’t feel too cool. I’m lonely, I guess, and the usual battle with smoking is driving me crazy. I feel I’ll never be able to quit, and my asthma and constant congestion are a nightmare! It’s really scaring me. Oh well. Whatever’s meant to be will be no matter what I do or don’t do.

Saturday I get paid and I’m swamped with fucking bills! There are things I need and want that I’ll never be able to get for a very long time.

Yes, I really do want to move to CT and get the fuck outa this city, but I’ll miss my friends and neighbors.

I had a really good session today with Martha. I’m starting to feel more comfortable with her, although I still miss Trisha. Martha sure is one hell of an attractive lady.

Yesterday I slept all day and woke up at 9:00 last night. When I awoke I saw that Jai was back so we talked a while then walked up to Lil’ Peach on Belmont, came back, talked a little more, then Jai went to bed.

Last night I knocked on Steve’s door, but I guess he was asleep. Earlier he had sounded as though he was upset about something.

Andy and I made phone calls last night till 3:00, and I’m staying up till after therapy.

I never did write about what happened with me and Kacey, or about this girl Stacey.

Well, I didn’t fuck Kacey over and she never fucked me over, but we got scared off of one another cuz we’re so used to being alone, and I guess Kacey wasn’t quite ready and her feelings weren’t that strong for me. I definitely know, though, it was more than just sexual, but I also know she never quite got over this girl Angie that she was with for 4 years.

I also think it was God once again having me dumped by one of the decent ones cuz love just wasn’t meant to be for me. Never has been, never will be. I will never, and I repeat never, get involved again cuz it’s just not worth it and I do like to be alone 80% of the time.

I’ll write about Stacey later.

Later...

I am now at CC. I have 20 more minutes till I see Martha.

Linda S just walked by, and I get so embarrassed every time she does cuz of the phone calls I made to her about a year ago. I don’t know if I wrote about it, but I called and hit on her. At first, she didn’t know who the hell I was, but then she recognized my voice.

I’m starting to get pretty tired. I just want to go home and climb into bed, but first I’m gonna call Stacey and have a word with her, and eventually, I’ll write about her. I also have to call John, too.

Right now I am on the phone with Andy making prank phone calls.

Last night I was over at Steve’s and finally fell asleep at 7:30. Then at noon, there was a car accident on Locust St. No one was hurt, but I never went back to sleep so I went down to the store and hung out for about 3 hours and played cards with Louis.

Before I went to the store I talked to John who just got back from Daytona Beach and sounded in a great mood and revived. He needed that vacation.

I’m gonna go listen to music then try to get some sleep. I’m just totally exhausted. Andy’s still gonna be up all night making calls so I told him he could leave them on my machine. He’s got 30 minutes’ worth of tape. He’ll have a field day.

After I came back from grocery shopping with Andy, I ate dinner and went across to Steve’s and gave him some tips on all kinds of stuff such as hair, makeup and nails, and even filed and buffed his nails which he really liked. Then we showed each other pictures from photo albums.

In a little over 21 hours, I’ve had about 5 cigarettes and he’s had maybe 3. I’m really not craving one that bad either, and those 5 that I had were 98% psychological. I think my mind is smart enough and strong enough now to hopefully get up the willpower cuz my lungs and nose are worsening by the day and as time goes on you get madder and madder at feeling so lousy. And then there’s my singing to worry about too, and saving money, gaining weight, and getting a better complexion and blood circulation. It’s amazing how much time it’s been taking too, to realize my price for smoking and that it’s no joke anymore when one day your lungs say, “I can’t take this anymore! Quit!” But then again, I’m not surprised, as it took me years to wean my way off the Navane. Years ago, I never thought I could stop cutting my wrists or that I’d ever make so many personal strides, except for my temper. The only thing I know that can never be is a loving relationship with a woman. As for a baby, I don’t know yet. I do hope so, but that’ll probably never happen either.

I woke up right before my show, watched that, took a shower and went out with Andy for a little while.

John R, this undercover cop I know, who’s also a security guard at Mercy Hospital where we met, is back from vacation. He left a message on my machine yesterday afternoon before I woke up. I’ve known him for a little more than 3 years.

One day I was at the little variety store down the end of Locust, and the guy there, Louis, who’s super nice and lots of fun to work with, hired me. I’ve only worked about 3 days so far cuz I’m waiting for him to leave so I can take over his hours managing the store alone. So basically, those 3 days I worked were just to get me familiar with the store which is very tiny.

Gloria’s in the hospital with a broken vertebrate cuz a huge truck rammed her tour bus in the rear on a snowy road in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I guess she was on her way to Syracuse, New York. That poor girl. I love her so much and I feel so bad for her. I mean, this woman has so much class and is so respected that it doesn’t seem fair. Emilio got a head injury and Nayib broke his collarbone but they’ve been released from the hospital. Gloria’s received tons of phone calls and cards and flowers and I heard that President Bush came to see her.

Later...

In about 20 minutes me and Andy are going grocery shopping at Super Stop & Shop on Boston Rd.

Steve called from work which was so sweet of him. Last night we had a great conversation and we’re both trying to quit smoking together. Since 7:30 yesterday morning, he’s had one which he said made him feel so dizzy he put it out, and since 7:30 yesterday morning I’ve had two and they made me feel like shit so we’re both gonna keep trying to just take one day at a time. Steve said he’s gonna quit regardless of people smoking in front of him.

Steve is a pretty positive and supportive person who doesn’t try to knock down people’s self-esteem.

Earlier I fed George, Jai’s cat. Jai’s in Virginia visiting Jenny. He’ll be back Sunday. Jai and Jenny are also the sweetest people.

It’s been 40 days since I’ve written, and I know I should write every day to keep updated and so I don’t forget anything, whether it’s important or not. If I write on a daily basis I can write not only the important things but also little details too. And the little details may not seem so important now, but someday, after a long time has gone by and I look back on this stuff, I may see things differently.

I am working now down the street at a little variety store/Laundromat called Rub-a-Dub. Of course, it’s in the daytime and it’s under the table at $3.50 an hour, but shit pay’s better than no pay. I wasn’t working today but I stopped in to get some candy bars and some “Lucy’s,” which is when you buy just 3 cigarettes.

Also, I left this journal last Monday in Martha’s office, so I stopped in to pick it up (I wonder how much of this she read). Martha looked great.

Andy drove me today and he had errands to do too, such as stopping at welfare for an hour, then cashing his check.

I’m gonna drop off to sleep, but first I have to go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries.