Well, for the last handful of days, there have been a lot of mixed emotions. There’s that little ounce of faith and hope. The voice that says, as far as the singing goes, it’s not over with. The voice that says, “It must be meant to be. Why else would I have the voice and be a night person and love to travel? Why else can I do so many other music-related things and not want to do anything else? Also, I cannot ever have a relationship, part-time or full-time or one night. I’ll no doubt never have a kid. I’ll always be alone and I know God sends me second best to keep me alone, and you need to be alone to be a singer.” It has to be meant to be.

Then there’s that other voice saying, “Don’t be a fool anymore. Give up before you lose and you know you’ll always lose. Be smart. Be brave. Be realistic. Walk away. Think of how you have no money to buy your way into the business. Think how you’d never sleep your way through even if you were straight. You’re not a slut. Think of how you fear people and are tired of their lies and false promises. Remember how you’re cursed as far as singing and a woman’s concerned. Don’t exhaust yourself by fighting a hopeless battle. Don’t embarrass yourself or be made to feel like a fool. Don’t be a sucker and let yourself take yet another fall. Never think positive and that you can do anything. Know that since you’ve been scared off as far as approaching people that if you’re approached, don’t have a heart. Of course, anyone that approaches you will be someone you’re not attracted to, but be cruel, tell them up front you’re not gonna take false assumptions about your intentions and your character. Tell them you’ll not be accused of asking too many questions. Make them feel foolish and ashamed of the way they feel. Tell them they deserve to be alone and they’re too persistent.”

Now, I realize I have 3 choices left. I could be poor and struggling on disability for the rest of my life. I could settle for second best by getting a good-paying job by getting financial aid and going to school. Or I could die.

I will grant myself just a little more time, but if I die, it’ll no longer be something I consider to be the easy way out. It’ll be the ONLY way out. I’m too trapped at this point so if things are ever to turn in my favor, which I doubt other than with the apartment and Kim and Mark, they better hurry up. I need and want some action fast and I feel I’m overdue and deserve it. I do not feel one tiny bit like I’m being selfish.

Fuck the kid and the woman, I say, just get me singing! I’ll work my ass off, just help me in the first step. Whatever’s up there, guide me into a band that will hire me even though I’ve never been in a band. They all say, “You sing well and you pick up well and are versatile but you’ve had no experience.” How am I going to get that experience if no one’s willing to give me a chance? Maybe I should lie and say that I have been in a band before.

Well, aside from all that frustration and bullshit, I had a great talk with Kim who really keeps me going. She’s amazing. Also, I got a great letter from Andy.