I still have much to write about but I’ll start from where I left off. I was laughing to myself earlier as I remembered something Dad said to me in Natchaug. He told me to write a book about my life. I do write well and we all know that. If I wrote a book on my life it’d be so long. Also, it’d piss several people off as they wouldn’t be happy campers due to my bluntness. However, I would be honest about my opinions on certain people, like it or not.

As I said before, I really appreciate Tammy and Dad’s help, but the 4 days I was there at Tammy’s were no fun with all the commotion, and Tammy’s kittens woke me up at night. Dad drove me nuts and got on my nerves about my clothes. In a recent letter, I told them to keep their mouths shut for once and for all and wear what they want to wear and keep their opinions to themselves. I don’t tell them or anyone else what to wear or what not to wear, and would like the same respect in return.

I never liked Bill, who has been brainwashed by the family into believing all sorts of shit pertaining to myself. Either way, I never liked him and felt he was always the complete opposite of me. But if he makes Tammy happy, great. I always wondered how Bill can handle his job. Not cuz he’s unintelligent, but cuz he’s so spacey. I always figured one should be as alert as possible when working with machinery.

My last day there at Tam’s was pretty shitty. Cuz I’m a night person and was so psyched, I fell asleep super late. Close to 3 AM. Fucking Shadow, who I got out of the old place that previous day, woke me up at 5 AM. I was pissed and I never felt shittier in all my life. I was wheezing my ass off, too. It was early Monday morning on the 8th when Dad and I brought Shadow over to Tam’s.

At 3 PM that same day, UPS came to take all my boxes out of the project. I wasn’t there for that. Dad was.

At 8 AM on Tuesday, Dad and I took off for Greenfield where I saw Sheila. I had to fill out the transfer papers for my probation.

Then, we went into Deerfield where I closed out my checking account. I went across the street to the habitat building and saw Dave and Karen. I used their phone to call upstairs to Kim and Mark but their machine came on. I left a message saying I was moving to Phoenix.

When I got here I spoke to Bob who got the message I left him.

When I called Nervous and told him to guess where I was, his first guess was Florida.

Anyway, after Greenfield and Deerfield, we went to Longmeadow to see Boo and Max as I said earlier. Her place looked so much more modern the last time I saw it and that was years ago. The 100 bucks they gave me helped a lot.

At the airport, Dad and I got donuts and coffee. I was dead tired and feeling pretty shitty. In fact, at Boo’s I laid down on her bed and slept an hour and a half. I went out cold but it felt as if I had only slept for two seconds. That day my asthma was horrible and my chest was so tight and short of breath. Naturally, Dad was lecturing me about smoking.

I did manage to sing a few songs on his van’s tape player but just barely. Shadow never shut up the whole way down. We bought him a cat travel box which he was locked into. When he moved to Deerfield and to Norwich, he was fine. I guess the reason he never shut up was cuz he hadn’t seen much of me for two weeks.

What a feeling it was, though, as Dad and I walked down through the gate to board that plane. As shitty as I felt physically walking onto that plane, how I was feeling mentally was a whole different ballgame. I was flying before I was flying. Tears of joy were streaming down my face as well as the goodbye/I’ll-miss-you tears. I’ll miss Dad, Tammy and my nieces. I won’t miss living near Tammy and the girls, though. Tammy and I never really had much in common and although I love my nieces, kids are a royal pain in the ass to deal with, regardless of whose kids they are.

I told Dad I felt like he was setting me free. He said, “I know.”

The stewardess said Dad could board with me. She probably thought I was scared shitless and had never flown before. She no doubt thought I was much younger than I am. I mean, I’m 26, but most people think I’m 17.

Andy will be at our beach from August 1st - 8th. Tammy and the girls were gonna go see him there but that’s when they’ll all be in Florida. At first, I thought it to be cool that they could meet up at the beach. Now I’m not so sure that would have been such a great idea. It’s better that they don’t meet. Andy knows better as far as what to say and what not to say but Tammy can be persistent and nosy. If she were to insist on something Andy didn’t agree with she’ll freak out and I’ll never hear the end of it. I also don’t need Tammy saying negative and untrue or blown out of proportion shit to Andy even though he pretty much knows what to believe, or Andy to tell Tammy something and have her blow it out of proportion. On the other hand, Tammy has been known to do that all her life and I know what’s true even though Mom and Dad would believe her over me.

In about a year or so I will see my family. I guess Mom and Dad will come out here. Maybe Tammy and the girls too. I’d much rather they all come here than for me to go there. Dad mentioned Tammy and I both going to Florida and meeting up there. Oh no! I cannot take the two of them together. And with Mom and Dad preferring her over me, that tends to get them together to gang up on me in some ways. I’ll have more people getting on my case at once. If they mention or start shit about my clothes, though, I’m gone.

Next time I see my nieces, they’ll all be so much bigger. Next time I see Tammy, her hair will be longer, I guess. That’ll be different. Of course, I’ll be sitting on mine without putting my head back. For now, cuz it’s so curly, I must pull it out straight, throw my head back, then I can sit on it. When I pull it straight it’s ½” from the crack of my ass. I was hoping the lack of humidity here would straighten my hair but it hasn’t. I still look like I stuck my finger in an electric socket and got zapped.

OK, now I’ll begin with the 10 million things I’ve got to say so far about Phoenix. First of all, it is so very very beautiful and I will never ever return to New England. Everything’s so modern and cheap here. Not just the rentals, but other stuff too, like food. A gorgeous, modern house here with a pool and central AC which is standard would sell for around $40,000-$50,000. In New England, the same type of house would be around $120,000.

The city is spread out and not so condensed and congested like Springfield is. In Springfield there’s one tall building after another, practically piled on top of each other. Here, the buildings are shorter and farther apart. The houses here are closer, though. Too close. You can open a window on the side of a house and reach out and practically touch the house next to you.

There is a huge variety of cactuses and palm trees which are absolutely beautiful. They’re so beautiful that they almost look fake.

I just thought of two things that are so funny. I must write this before I continue on cuz I don’t want to forget this. My sister used to always tell me she envied me and I’d burst out laughing. After I arrived here she called me. I told her that if she were to tell me she envied me at this point, I could finally understand that. She’d die if she saw what beauty I live in. It makes you feel very rich even though I’m very poor.

The other thing is Ann Marie. Eventually, she’s gonna try calling me only to get a recording saying that number has been disconnected. She’s not worth paying to make a phone call to, or having her pay by me calling collect, or being regular letter writers with. On the other hand, perhaps somewhere down the line, she can receive a crazy, bizarre letter that makes absolutely no sense. I wonder if I ever mentioned Phoenix to her. That Andy lives here, I mean, cuz I’m sure I mentioned Andy. Well, it doesn’t matter but I’m going to go to bed now.

I don’t want to sleep too late tomorrow cuz I have important phone calls to make. I also must continue working on my tan. So far, so good but I still do have a long way to go. The color I’ve gotten so far looks good.

A note from Andy dated 6/11/1992:

Now don’t worry, I didn’t read any of these pages. I just opened up to the first plank page to say welcome to Phoenix. It’s about time you got here. The fem missed you!

Later...

Well, I officially got this apartment on the 10th, but I had to wait till the 15th. My parents are the co-signers as I have no credit. The office had a hard time getting ahold of them at first. We gave them the office’s fax number so they could fax the information along. That same day I got 29 boxes from UPS. It was no fun unpacking this time for 2 reasons. First of all, I have no furniture to put stuff in. No shelves and no dressers for my clothes. Not much closet space either. This is a small 1-bedroom studio. It’s no larger than my dive in Norwich, but that’s OK cuz this is far from a dive. It’s so modern and beautiful. Inside and all around the grounds outside. I don’t feel cooped up, cramped and trapped as I did before even in the other places. Here, there’s life outdoors. I have the pools and at night I usually go to the Jacuzzi. There are no saunas here as my Dad apparently thought. If there were saunas here, I would never use them. I’d die in those things. Literally suffocate.

The grounds here are so beautiful.

Now that I live here a little while, and feel and look so much better since beginning to really get a tan, I feel a little more confident. A little more as far as my desire for more one-nighters. I don’t have to invite them over to my dump anymore, even though I was always neat and great at decorating.

I feel a little more determined and motivated to pursue my singing and music, despite my fears and doubts. That’s one of my purposes here. I know I’ve been sent here for that as well as the other 3 reasons. I’m here for 4 reasons. 1. My best friend. 2. My asthma. 3. Cuz it’s cheaper to live here. 4. My music. There was nothing for me in Crackfield, Deadfield or Poorwich.

Everyone knows that I believe there’s a reason for everything even if it’s a bad thing. Like with the project being so bad. It was part of the plan. That’s what it took to get me out here. My premonitions are usually about 80% accurate. If I’m off I’m not off by far. I’m still close enough if not right on. I always believed and felt that sometime in 1994 something serious would happen with my music. Well, 1994, isn’t many years away. I always knew it was pretty hopeless where I used to live as far as any major breaks or connections. Especially without Andy and perhaps his friend Donna who just opened up for Paula Abdul’s concert last night. They chose 10 demos out of 500 and Donna was one of those 10. At the mall, the last 10 performed and Donna won. I saw all this on video. She won a record contract, $1000 and 1000 hours of free recording time at Vintage Recorders studios. That’s excellent exposure for her. Still, even when becoming a singer felt hopeless out in the boonies in Deerfield and through hell in Norwich, I always felt I was fated for fame no matter what. I don’t know how, when or why, but me moving here now must be saying something. So many weird coincidences and things just conveniently falling into place. For example, apartments here are plentiful. You can get a 1- or 2-bedroom apartment or a house practically in a day. Studios, on the other hand, are harder to get so quickly cuz they’re much more in demand. In MA the total of SS and SSI checks is $581. In CT and AZ they’re $442. So, even though the 1-bedrooms are $309, I can only afford a studio now. It just so conveniently happened that one was available that some girl was gonna take, but decided to remain where she was. The 2-bedrooms which are 900 square feet cost $414. In New England, a place so modern would be $1000-$1,200. In New York City and Boston, maybe it’d go for $1,500.