Well, someone’s either restless or jerking off. I heard the bed slam against the wall a few times.

Got some great news today in the mail. They finally read my pap smear and it’s clear! No cancer!

I saw another commercial on TV for a different 70s CD, but even though I used a different name, they’re not stupid. Chances are close to zero of it arriving.

I got my parents' package today. There was a too-big and not-too-impressive sweatshirt, but a perfect-fitting and impressive skirt. The skirt is of denim with chiffon at the end in shades of brown with a matching chiffon belt. I got an address book and hair clips. I got seashells and flowers in shades of pink that hang on the wall and a fancy face mask too. The mask was egg white and the eyes are lined in green glitter. The lips are of red glitter. One eye forms into the shape of a swan. Not the eye itself, but the green glitter. Then, across the face are shades of yellow and brown glitter. The face has pearls around it and around that is white and gold lace. At one side of the face is a red satin flowery bow with a yellow ribbon. Then there are two small feathers. One in pink and one in purple.

Andy called Stevie’s house earlier. I spoke to a woman whose voice he said he didn’t recognize. I said I was Lisa Salero and wanted advice on an album I’m making. She told me to call back tomorrow saying she had out-of-state company.

Later...

Yup. So far Tom’s at his game of you know what and I’m almost certain he won’t want to screw today. How do I feel about it? Well, I’ve actually got my mind more on the shopping we’re gonna be doing in 1½ hours from now.

I was right, though. He had to have read Journal 100. Otherwise, there’d have been no way he’d have touched me last month when he was supposed to “think” I was mid-cycle. He knows I really am mid-cycle today.

I also figured out why he’s so obsessed with putting stuff back in different positions. I wonder what took me so long to figure it out, too. I already figured out why he wants me to either wait for him to do certain things or to see that he’ll never do them. That’s to get me used to not getting things.

Like I’m not already?

The reason, or the message, I should say, that’s behind his moving shit around is that you can’t always have things your way. In other words, you can’t have a kid.

Again - as if I didn’t already know!

I’m surprised this trip means a lot to him in May cuz it’s an excuse to not do things, but I’m also surprised, too. Usually, people don’t really care so much about people’s families, but he is really psyched up about meeting them. He gives off a sense about it, rather than saying so. The only thing about it is that I can see in him something very familiar. He’s gonna kiss their asses. No matter how mean or nice they were to me. What is it with people siding with and reacting this way around my family? And how did my family come to obtain such power and persuasion over those I know?

No mail from Bob, so he’s probably busy fantasizing about Kim. How can anyone lust for her as he does? She’s got the same lousy shape I do; only it’s a bigger and more exaggerated version of it. Also, her face is so plain; almost ugly, and her hair’s gross. Nothing but short, kinky and frizzy.

Later...

Got two new spiral journals today which will probably be used for my story. We looked in a paper supply store for stuff to make journals, but we didn’t find what we wanted. I also got two canvases and my brush cleaner. It’s something different than Turpenoid, though, and it stinks.

I didn’t mention yet how Tom teased me twice today with both the issues of sex and a kid. I figured he would, though. He’s so predictable. I just went along with it, though, which is all I can really do. When we returned from shopping he said there’d be no time for sex today, even though he expected it. Right! If he wanted to, there was plenty of time this morning, and when he gets home if I’m still awake yet he cries no opportunity. Who does he think he’s kidding?

In the car, I said I was sorry if my being hyper was obnoxious. Then he goes on about demonstrating good behavior for this kid we’ll never have.

He says he’s committed to being neat if I quit smoking for this fictitious baby and I’m so sick of his lies, sick of his games, sick of his teasing and I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone about the kid. If he’s gonna be too scared to plant the seed, then I want nothing to do with the subject. I’m at the point now where I may write about it, but couldn’t care less to discuss it with him. It’s pointless.

I’m trying to stay up as long as I can so I can go out tomorrow.

Got a check for $30 from my in-laws. I called Mom and Dad S to thank them for my birthday money. I told them I’d probably get Turpenoid, canvases, and journals.

I called my parents too, and as I kind of figured, the package they just sent isn’t my birthday present. The birthday present package will probably come today and I know there are clothes in it cuz Ma asked, “Does it fit?” thinking I got that.

I wasn’t horny today so it was fine with me that Tom was more into his TV this morning. Who knows if I’ll be horny tomorrow, but Tom knows I’m mid-cycle tomorrow. He hinted at sex, but in his mind, he may be thinking of getting the idea into my head, then backing out as part of his game.

I don’t know if I remembered to say so, but next door did repaint their house that same ugly brown. They did it last Sat. & Sun.

I spoke to Tammy earlier too, who had no real news to update me on, good or bad.

This shit with Bill has been a good way to save money on people’s birthdays or Chanukah and use the fact that there’s so much going on to get out of it. It’s true, though, that they are always on the go and need every penny they get.

I’m on page 47 of my story. If condensed to this size paper, it should already fill up one journal, unless I changed the size of the print.

Damn! I’m already tired.

I’m listening to an old convo tape now of Bob and I gabbing. Now Andy and I are bullshitting the crisis center in Northampton.

Tom carved an elephant drawing of mine into wood and it really looks great. He mentioned a couple of ideas, too. One of them was to get an unfinished wooden jewelry box and carve my drawings into that. The other was to get unfinished cabinets in our next house and carve them into there. Cool. That’s the first time I ever heard him mention a new house.

Earlier he said he still feels our goals are inevitable, but this isn’t what he said a while back.

Just finished chatting with Andy, Quinn, and Jenny.

If Tom weren’t afraid to cum, I’d wonder about the psychic a little more. I’m mid-cycle this Thursday and ironically he’s off then and will be working Saturday. At the end of the month, there’s no work, so they make it up on a Saturday after the 1st of the next month.

I did a lot of work on my story earlier and still have much more to do with it. Still, I’ve got almost 40 full-size pages done.

Alex loves to snoop and investigate and I told him about Robin. Not the “haunting” details, though, and he says he’ll see what he can do. He mentioned talking to a couple of people.

Tom gave me a logical explanation for the deal that went down with the TV last night. He said that’s happened to him before. He says the voltage to the screen and the voltage to the sound is different and that there’s a bad component with the screen cuz it’s an old piece of shit.

In the shower earlier, I remembered I did have a dream premonition within the last year. It was a minor thing, but now I can’t remember what it was about.

The birds are now coming right up to the back door.

Later...

I got my parent’s package today and I must admit I was shocked and disappointed. Every so often she goes through her place and sends me stuff she doesn’t want. She sent me a couple of liquid foundations which were too dark and I don’t use. I only use powder foundation. She sent powder which I never use. She sent a disgusting-tasting toothpaste and Suave conditioner I never use. She sent lotion that’s kind of greasy and hair gel. The hair gel is OK. It’s good for poofing out my bangs and I can’t use hairspray cuz it makes me sneeze. They sent 4 flags. Two of them were nice, and of party balloons and of a floral print. Two were ugly. A pineapple and a mug of beer with a message saying: This Bar Is Open.

I’m gonna give those two flags to Mom S to use as she pleases or to give away. She sent two catalogs too, which I’ll give her and she can show David & Evie.

There’s a new musical flag they have that I really like.

Got a postcard from Kim from Niagara Falls. The Canadian stamp was 52¢. Damn!

Now is this weird, or what? Last night I zapped a doggie mug of water for coffee for 55 seconds. It didn’t even make it lukewarm. It was still cold. The second time I did it, it was fine, though.

Now, get this. Earlier I was watching TV when I went to turn it off. The sound went off, but the picture didn’t go out. Is Robin trying to say hi, or what?

Speaking of Robin, I’ve been dumb enough to resume my search for her. Tom just won’t help me. I’m on my own.

On AOL I left a message saying I tried to find her through former camp workers, didn’t know her name, and was therefore stuck. I instantly got a reply saying it may take time due to their high volume of requests, but that they’ll direct my request to the proper people.

As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Ma’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators, and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing our struggles to conceive with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo base way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot them. He’s over there now, so hopefully, he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later...

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and to us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.

I wish I knew what the fuck was up. Yesterday I awoke at 100 pounds. By the end of the day I was 104, but I’ve hardly eaten! Like I said, my body’s acting like it did in the Navane days. Why? The only thing I can think of is that it’s got something to do with offing the Theo and upping the inhalers.

Yesterday turned out to be pretty good. Tom was fine and enjoyed his visit. He, his parents, and Mary were playing cards in the end.

Not only was Evie thrilled to get my letter and loved the drawings, but she said it came at the perfect timing since she just put her cat to sleep who was over 20 years old.

Tom and I were discussing ideas for Christmas presents for his family. One of them was an idea we had a long time ago to carve my drawings into wood. Another is to have me make a miniature lampshade and then he can find something to use for the body, and run a cord through it with a small battery. He has small light bulbs.

Tom’s in the bathroom now, then he’ll be putting hydrocortisone in my ear.

I’m shocked that he says KD Lang has an ugly voice. Just as shocked as I was when he told me I don’t sing properly.

I don’t? I know I’ve got some problems, but I’ve had some training and he said he could tell that. He says I could work on it. Well, I do, but I think he’s just saying this cuz I gave up on it due to not trusting him. Now he can’t make false promises about it since I refuse to do any work on it.

Last night after Tom went to bed, Andy called and treated me to Denny’s where I got a nice clear mug for my collection.

One suggestion he gave for his birthday in February was a toaster.

I told him about the doggie mugs in Old America and how I want to check Michelle’s book out that she has at the library. It’s a book interpreting dreams. I may not buy some of it, but I think it’d be neat to check out.

It was weird to us how this Denny’s was laid out just like the one in Chicopee was. The same as the one Tom and I went to around here.

Afterward, he came over here and was cracking up over Bob’s letters and misspellings. Especially over the table and chair thing and how he said, “It’s 1 AM. Would you like your massarge now?”

So, I gave him the letters I’ve copied so far, some envelopes and he taped some of his phone messages. I showed him some drawings, too.

Tom’s been really teasing with sex lately. Luckily my sparks for him are lower, otherwise it’d probably drive me crazy as well as hurt my feelings. Yesterday he wanted to do “something different.” All cuz I brought it up, of course, and to try to cover up how sex is for me only. He pointed out how he sometimes just goes down on me and takes care of me, so I did him with my hand before bed and when he got up. Of course, it was all just to get excited. Cumming in my hand is just as much of a no-no cuz that’d show all the more of how he’s anti-kid. I said he could take care of himself in the shower and he said that didn’t appeal to him. Well, no red-blooded human can stay built up so much, so I hope he has an awful lot of wet dreams. The only resource of relief he’ll admit to.

This is the 10th time I’ve jabbed myself with ink!

Robin must be back. I went to zap some water for coffee for a minute and it was still cold. After the second time, it was fine, though.

What in the hell are the people across the street having an outdoor party for at this hour? What is it with people and their front yards out here? All they use their backyards for out here is to store their dogs. I can hardly hear them, but I thought I heard a little boy, then an adult yell, “Hey!” I think it’s the house between the music people and Mr. Piggy.

I’m pretty sure the mother still lives in the music house and it seems more so that she and her son have no contact at all. Well, if they mend their ways or if he comes home, I hope it isn’t before we move.

Tom said despite his having a problem, his opinion is that we’re not going to a doctor. in ‘97. Oh, so after more than two years of this, he’ll be cured on his own one day before April of ‘97? His problem isn’t not being able to cum, it’s not admitting to not wanting a kid.

He makes it hard for me cuz everything always has to be just perfect and I’ve always got to really watch what I say. He tells me not to talk about it to not put pressure on him so he can relax and have more opportunities to work on it (he never had the opportunity), but his weird ways put pressure on me.

Earlier I asked if he’d spoil me. He said yes. Then I said I wondered what we were gonna do and he reminded me how he doesn’t like to plan it. Can’t I ever, though?

Then I said to myself, I know him. He’s gonna punish me by crying too tired. I beat him to it, though, by asking for a rain check, cuz I’ve got a lot of work I want to do and aren’t too horny at this time. Sure enough, he said that was fine cuz he was beat. I’m sure he is, though. He’s been up since 5:30 and he went to bed at 9:00. He waits, though, till he knows he’s gonna be too tired and goes and does computer work first.

No opportunity my ass.

But you see, if I bring up this to him or other things he does, he’ll do it more. It’s the opposite if I ask him not to leave the sink water dripping. Then he will keep leaving it dripping.

Here’s another thing that could happen with the doctor we’ll need if I can get him there. I don’t know if the doctor would do some procedure for us or just talk to us, but if he were to talk to us, that could be an advantage to Tom. Meaning, the advice the doctor gives us could take “time.” Lots of it.

I have other things to do now, so bye for now.

I’m so pissed at Andy. We made plans for him to come over and he knows I don’t always get to the phone right away. Only 10-15 minutes after I returned his call about coming over, he made plans to go see Quinn so he could try for the millionth time to get him to have sex with him which he won’t. This brought a slew of memories of people’s false promises. Why do people have to promise shit they have no intention of doing? I sort of fibbed to Tom earlier, figuring he’s been wondering about this. Well, there’s no way I could get up the nerve and guts to tell Andy, Tammy or anyone I know the truth. They know I’m probably sterile, but I’ve never told them how Tom lied about a kid and says he wants one but is full of shit. They only know the problem is me which I’m sure is true. I told Tom that Andy put me on the spot by asking when we were gonna have a kid. I said I was silent, then he said, “You’re sterile, aren’t you?” I said I was silent again and that I was sure my silence spoke a thousand words and then I changed the subject.

The little bastard then laughed. He actually fucking laughed! It was just oh so funny to him. He’s lucky I love him like I do, or else I’d probably do to him what I would have loved to have done to Scott if the chicken shit didn’t run and hide. It takes a hell of a mean, insensitive, selfish fucking asshole to have laughed as he had the nerve to do.

Later...

I’m surprised Tom’s not home yet. He was gone at 2:00 when I got up and I thought he’d be back around 4:00. Maybe he’s doing it to be tired for sex. Yesterday he slept 9-10 hours, but wouldn’t touch me.

Speaking of sex - for the first time, something’s happening that I always wished would. I do not desire to have sex with him as much. Can you blame me, though? Who wouldn’t feel this way with someone who won’t fully respond to you? Plus, I may be used to false promises and accept he’ll never change, but he’s really hurt me. After I have sex with him (not oral) I accept the expected, but I still feel a surge of anger and hurt. Like the woman said, “As long as I give in to making him happy, I’ll never have a child.”

I still love him, though, and I would rather be with him with no child than without him. I guess it’s gonna take him seeing and understanding how I feel or a similar experience happening to him to get him out of denial and into the truth.

The other side of it is God who controls things like this. I don’t believe that saying rings true for everyone about him not giving people more than they can handle, but maybe for me, it’s very true. Look at my schedule problem. That and a baby could never mix without killing me. He and I know this. I feel really bad, though. I really wanted to go to their house today, but it’s out of my control. I just can’t fix or control my sleep/schedule problem.

Later...

Yes! I’m 100 pounds. I oughta be since I shit 3 times today. Will it last? Of course not. Within 2 days I’ll be back hanging out at a steady 104.

What in the hell is Tom doing over there for the 6½ hours I know he’s been gone? Definitely avoiding me, I’d say. My guess is they’re probably discussing Dad’s cancer, ways to help him and fixing things around the house. Maybe he’s discussing how broke we are hoping for a loan, but I doubt it. He’d probably feel it was bad timing due to Dad’s illness and I think that’d hurt his ego.

I realized I left Bob’s letter to Kim out which he could’ve seen. But would that bother him? I doubt it. This letter isn’t to me and what’s the difference between reading someone’s fantasies about another, versus seeing people screw on our porn video we got?

Later...

I just ate a TV dinner, seeing how I only ate 2 granola bars since I got up.

Andy called me from work and I told him to call me at 10:30 to see about coming over at around 11:00. He said if he doesn’t hear from his family by Sunday, he’s gonna write those letters. The ones giving them a piece of his mind. He asked me if I got over last night.

Yeah, I’m used to it. He said he really needed to get drunk to relieve his stress. Something he seldom does. No, he didn’t make it with Quinn. He said he didn’t really try.

I guess for now I’ll just sit and bitch and analyze life.

If I were to do a survey asking people, “What reason would you suspect to be the cause for if a guy could get hard enough to screw, but never came?” The answer from 95% of them would be fear of making a baby. Right now his excuses are money, his Dad, my teeth, and the bat mitzvah, along with several other reasons. After we deal with all this, a whole new set of excuses will be present. There’ll be something we have to do here or for someone else.

He said to me the other day he didn’t see why a 29-year-old didn’t have time. I do and if that’s the issue and if he wants to wait, why not say so?

There’s no way in hell I could ever make a move with the singing or any other big things. I don’t trust him. He’ll only let me down.

If he isn’t home between 9:30-10:00, I’m gonna be getting worried. Is he really trying to avoid me? If so, why? He hasn’t even called, so I guess they really are busy.

Later...

There are only two other reasons I can think of that may piss him off and make him want to stay longer, but I doubt it. At the end of Evie’s letter, I wrote, “You are very blessed to be able to have a child.” This is true, though, and I doubt she’d bring it up and put him on the spot not knowing he’s the reason why there’s no kid if all’s OK with me.

Since I let my folks know we can’t have a child, they seem yet even friendlier. I’m not surprised.

I doubt the second reason, cuz I really think he gets off on this, but maybe he read something in my journal that I wrote about him that he didn’t like.

I feel so bad about not being able to go, even though Tom said not to worry and that I can see them plenty of other times. I feel so alone right now. Somewhat punished, too. I tried to cry cuz that helps me to feel better, but the tears just wouldn’t come.

Still, I wish I were one of those who could feel God around me in a good way. The only way I believe that I could feel him would be to pray for something I know he’d grant. Like if I prayed for him to please keep me childless and on the cigarettes.

Something I just realized made me think he may really be avoiding me. He has to be up at 4:30 tomorrow, so, it’s getting late.

I think I just heard the garage door.

One of these days I’ll send a surprise letter to Mom and Dad S. with drawings on the envelope.

Our weather’s been wonderful. In the mid-80s. It’s usually in the lower 70s at this time of year.

It sure is taking next door a while to prep for painting if that’s what they’re gonna do. I can’t tell. I hardly heard a peep from them. No hammering at all.

check
Someone’s been calling but hanging up on the VM, so I called my parents. Ma said she’d leave a message if she needed to get ahold of us. They were on their way out to play bingo. Something we oughta do. They say they win every third time and play with about 150 people. They’ve won anywhere from $50 to $200.

They also say hi to Tom, and Ma hasn’t smoked for two mos.

Ma said for Dad to tell me how he screwed up. He forgot to wrap my birthday present in birthday paper and it’s just coming in a plain box.

So, that’s OK.

All I could get out of Dad about it was that it was a few things and something they knew I’d like. I can’t picture them sending journals ever again or for a long time, so I’d guess it’s gonna be along the lines of hair stuff, jewelry or clothes.

I wonder why it is that I haven’t gotten a call from the GYN yet.

Tom’s working overtime, he called to say, and probably won’t be home till 6:30 or 7:30. We need the money, but this is also probably his way of avoiding sex like he has been to pay me back for all I said on Sunday. I picked the best time to say it since my desire’s low cuz I just finished my period.

He wouldn’t go for giving me the kid if I quit, so if I quit it’d be for reasons I already discussed. Better health and money saved.

Speaking of periods, I’m having a weird vibe. I know I’ll be getting all my periods, so why can’t I see December’s period? I’m sure I will as I approach it.

I’m halfway towards my goal of about 100 pictures to sell. I’ve got 45 we picked out.

Later...

Tom got home at 7:00 and as I figured he didn’t touch me. He was affectionate, though. He gave me a back rub and I massaged his sore feet.

We’ve decided to put off the tag sale for another week. Good. That way all I have to worry about is being awake enough for turkey day and by next week my schedule will be so I can help with the tag sale.

I fried up about 25 pieces of chicken and ate about 8. The rest I can munch on for the next couple of days.

Gonna go copy more letters now.

I got up at noon. Being awake for Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad’s house is gonna be really hard. I don’t want to let them down, though, so I’ll be there. Then two days after that we’ll be hitting tag sales.

Let me get that visit over with once and for all. We spent two hours over there and boy do I feel bad for them. A huge Mexican family moved in behind them and all you can hear is kids crying and screaming and loud obnoxious neighbors. Tom and Dad talked while Mom and I talked. Tom worked on one of their cars while Mom and I chatted about odds and ends. She gave me some stickers I’ll use for entry dates. We showed them our paintings and they liked best the one I like best, too.

Tom put up a swing for them that’s just like ours, but more warped. They also have a regular swing that seats one person.

Ma also said she wants me to paint her something, by the way. She said, “Oh, you named them.” Then I realized I wrote: Mystery on them and explained how that was my nickname associated with dancing.

After we came home, we barbecued some hamburgers.

Evie should get her letter tomorrow. I drew flowers and birds on her envelope.

We moved the other 80-gallon water tank out of the little room which we’ll be moving the dryer into.

I can’t believe I forgot to send Bill a birthday card, but oh well. Next year (I hope).

OK, now for a really freaky experience I had. I can’t remember which is which, but I’ve either never had a dream premonition or it’s been a very long time. Anyway, about a week ago I dreamt I weighed myself on a scale with a dial. Instead of a line being on your weight, a beam of light would form the line on what you weigh. It said 106 which I haven’t been at in nearly 8 years. When I awoke, I had a feeling that it wasn’t just a dream. It was a warning. Sure enough, about 3 days ago I weighed 106 on our scale.

Later...

Bob still hasn’t responded to the so-called phone call I got. Yup, definitely embarrassed, but I’ll keep bugging him and say I got another call.

Now here’s what really pisses me off. They’re supposedly sending back the puzzles and story. Fuck these assholes! From now on I refuse to send him anything other than letters. That’s about 6 stamps the assholes have wasted.

He sent me an article in the paper on how they moved 300 inmates to Texas in the middle of the night. Texas supposedly has more jail space, but Tom says that’s cuz in Texas they kill them. I don’t sense Bob being moved to Texas and Tom says he doubts it. He thinks they’ll choose the more dangerous inmates. Bob’s harmless, of course.

Tom sold $40 of old computer stuff earlier this evening so that’s good. It probably won’t be till June, though, before we can really relax about money.

If I personally knew an authentic psychic who said Tom would cum, I’d say in June was when he’d consider it.

He went down on me before going to bed last night. I had to go back into the room for something I forgot. Sure enough, he was jerking it saying his balls itched. He never made any attempts to pull his hands out where I could see them, either, probably rubbing the idea into me. Especially since I brought it up. I just heard the bed hit the wall a few times, so he’s probably jerking off right now. He went into bed about 10 minutes ago.

Next door was at work for many hours today. I didn’t hear much hammering. Tom saw them upon arriving home from work and says they look like painters. They must be prepping the house for painting and are probably gonna replace that old gate. Tom says it costs about $800 to get a house that size painted. Yup, Tweak Daddy has got bucks. He better for a family of what’s probably 9 by now. If it’s taken them 3 days to prep, I wonder how many days it’ll take them to paint. These guys seem like young goof-off types.

They’re back next door doing who the hell knows what. Tom said he’ll try to see what they’re doing when he goes grocery shopping. He says he thinks they’re probably just doing repairs.

Got a few things to mention before I get into yesterday.

I don’t expect to hear Tom nagging me to quit smoking again. I really believe he’d rather me smoke than have a kid. He’s not looking forward to me saying something like - I should get a kid for this if I could and did quit smoking. I know better, though, believe me.

I tried telling him yesterday how sex (not oral) was hard for me due to my feeling like a freak about it. He was basically like, we’re not going to see a doctor in ‘97 if we’re not screwing, but that’s up to me. Then he’s saying I’m only concerned about my feelings.

Well, don’t I have a right to be concerned about my own feelings every now and then?

I realized another possibility last night, too. Perhaps right before April of ‘97, he’ll cum occasionally. Meaning, not enough to go to a doctor, but not enough to get me pregnant. Especially if he made sure he came at the wrong time of the month. Would he take that chance? I can see him risking cumming once; that’s how against a kid he is.

Tweak Daddy is still hammering.

Later...

I went to help mow the lawn, but anyway, I guess tweak Daddy’s gone now. I thought knowing him, he’d work till 2:00 in the morning.

No chance of me getting sex tonight, but what I did was worth it and sort of funny. Even he laughed at some of it. He said he’d rather anything than for me to smoke. Yeah, I believe that, but almost. I think if he had to choose between being castrated or having a kid, he’d take the castration. He’d take anything over a kid. Probably even sleeping with a guy, to know there’ll never be a kid would be worth it, too. Well, he never did come out and promise me a child if I quit and I can’t make him do something he refuses to do. I started to say to him why should I be the only one giving what the other wants by quitting? So, finally, I decided that if I quit it can only ever be just for better health and saving money. I told him I’ve tried to quit on my own for 17 years and that hasn’t worked. The only way is for him to take them and not give me any if I ask for one and this is what we’re doing.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about a dream that came true and our visit to his parents.

A couple of guys are working next door doing who the hell knows what. Oh, I hope to hell they’re putting up a garage. I’d love it if they did that cuz it would reduce some noise. However, I think they only have a pick-up truck. Nothing that would hold all the lumber for a garage and how the hell could they afford it? I saw a guy hammering out back right where the roof and wall of the house meet, so who knows what the hell he’s doing. I don’t think they can afford a nicer patio or to add on any more rooms any more than I think they can afford the garage I wish they’d put up.

I hope I get all those Bob letters from Kim today. She mailed them 1st class and said I should get them today or tomorrow.

I wonder when Bob will take a breather from all his fantasies and write to me.

Later...

The people working next door scared the pigeons out of getting a little bit of birdseed I put out and a piece of bread. Wait till there’s a dog again next door. Then I wonder what they’ll do then? They wait for their food usually on the electrical line over their backyard cuz it’s the fattest line that they can stand on easier. I guess they’ll just have to wait on ours once there’s a dog over there.

I really wish they’d put up a garage, though. It’d reduce noise and give us more privacy.

Dr. Nielsen said my ear was looking great and I don’t have to go back till May 30th.

I drew a confession out of Tom the other night, but it was only half true. He admitted to not cumming cuz his mind was on our financial problems but said he still wasn’t worried about my getting pregnant cuz we’ll be better off financially in a couple of months or so.

Yeah, right!

He confirmed why I feel he’s afraid to admit he doesn’t want a kid.

I told him if he told me he didn’t want in on any of our goals, fine, cuz you can’t force people to do whatever. I promised no argument and he said I’d still argue. His tone said, “You’d argue and this is why I don’t want to tell you the truth. I don’t want to deal with your reaction. Besides, I do have fun teasing you and leading you on about sex and a kid.”

This shocks the shit out of me cuz I didn’t think he’d have the time or be interested, but I think he may have read in Journal 100 how I lied about being mid-cycle 2 days earlier than I really was. I knew there’d be no way he’d dare screw me on the 14th day of the cycle, no matter how crazy the odds of pregnancy were. And for him to screw me on that day for the first time since we’ve been together after I typed that seems more than a coincidence to me. I really got my period yesterday and bitched at how I was early. In truth, I was. This was later at night, closer to the 17th. He thought (supposedly) I was due on the 17th, but I was really due on the 19th.

I just realized that I had what I just said backward, so maybe he didn’t read it and I always was very doubtful he’d ever read my journals. The only thing I’m getting more and more sure of with each passing month is how against a kid he is. Therefore, I really hope to hell I need a hysterectomy so I don’t have to deal with periods for 25 more years.

Wait a minute! I was right the first time and he did read it. Of course he’s gonna go along with what I told him was when I was due for my period as a cover. No wonder he screwed on that day. To give himself more of a cover of how anti-kid he is. Well, from now on I’ll just tell the truth cuz truth or lie this guy will never allow me to have a child. Never.

Later...

They’re still working over there blasting heavy metal music on a radio, so just to piss them off I’ve got my stereo blaring now. Wouldn’t it have been a real trip for them if I had blared the edits? They’ve been over there for 4 hours. I really wonder what the hell they’re doing.

I decided I’d be nice and let them have their music to work with. Besides, they’re now listening to KHITS. I guess whatever it is they’re doing is a one-day job since it’s Friday. Unless they’ll be returning next week. After having the luck of having that place empty for 2½ months, God will really compensate me with heavy metal blasters as well as kids and dogs.

Here’s the mail.

Later...

As soon as he stuck it in the slot, I felt a vibe saying - nope. Nothing today. All I got was my Word Seek puzzle book, but he sure got a lot of mail.

I just saw them haul their old wooden gate out back to where they moved their truck. That gate had been in between the carport and their house. Then why were they working near the roof at an odd angle? Maybe they could afford a garage if they could afford that EC. They’ve got to have bucks to be able to afford such a big family. It’s how they get their money that made me wonder about them. His odd hours, their home-teaching the kids, the wife and kids never leaving except for church and that month in ‘94 when they went to Idaho.

Oh, how I wish I could say an old person or two with little company would be moving in there who had no dog and who hardly ever left (meaning they didn’t constantly come and go) would move in there, but no way! I can picture this huge family moving in and they immediately throw their dog(s) out back to stay and while the adults are moving in, their kids are happily playing basketball.

I wish my in-laws would move in there. They do have a lot of company but all adults who go right inside. The only kid they have over really is Nickolena and she’s never outside.

Later...

Kim said it only cost her $1.44 to mail those 70 pages to me. I’m surprised. I thought it’d cost a few dollars.

Too bad I didn’t get it today. Today would have been the perfect day to read all that shit and I’ve got nothing better to do. All I’m doing is waiting till the sheets and towels I’ve got out on the line dry.

I got curious so I called information in Springfield and asked for Nervous. He has his old phone number. The one he had on Pearl St. that he took with him to Avalon Place (not Avon Place as I was told by information over a year ago). When I called the number it said that number wasn’t connected yet. He’s just like Fran. He loses his phone on and off. He must have just lost it or is about to get it back since Info has it. Right after he moved he either lost it or got it in her name which I don’t know with a new number. I thought they did get it in her name, but now I think he lost it. Was he without a phone all this time - I don’t know. Are they even still together?

Perhaps I’ll send some of those Bob letters.

Later...

All they did next door was remove the gate from what I can see. They were here from 9 AM - 1 PM and they never replaced it with anything, so I hope to hell someone will return to put up a garage. It doesn’t take 4 hours to remove that gate, so who the hell knows? Tom’s home now, so I’ll ask him. Later I’ll write more.

Later...

Tom’s reading through papers right now to see where the best place is to put an ad for old computer stuff of his.

I asked him what he thought about next door. He said it sounded like they were doing repairs, but wasn’t sure about a garage. Possibly, he said.

Tomorrow we’ll be going to his parents’ house to visit. We’ll also be there for Thanksgiving. A couple of days after Thanksgiving is when we’ll probably have the tag sale.

I’ve got to get back to work on my story which I haven’t really worked on in a week. There’s no hurry, though. I’ve also got 5 letters I’ll do before Monday. To my parents, Tammy, Larry, Bob and Kim.

Tammy called last night with some not-too-cool news. Bill’s cancer has moved to his lymph node system. Before it was only in his blood. That sucks cuz this means there’s no hope anymore of remission. Tammy says all they can do is wait for Yale-New Haven to run tests. Get this - Bill’s cousin had, or has, colon cancer and his aunt just died of cancer. That’s pretty scary.

Tammy told Tom he’s lucky he’s not a G, but will we always be lucky? We’re the types of people to whom God loves to give cancer.

Later...

There’s something Tom’s told me many months ago that I’d like to mention, before mentioning what we just talked about.

Here’s another reason why he won’t fess up about being anti-kid. Several months back I asked him if I should work on the things I wanted one at a time. He said no and that the only way he can motivate me is to have me try for everything at once.

Oh, I get it. So it’s - don’t tell Jodi I don’t want a kid so she won’t feel like giving up on everything.

A little while ago I got an idea that may really help me to quit smoking and stay that way unlike ever before.

I told Tom, though, that I was almost afraid to tell him cuz I’d need to know he’d keep his promise and do his part, but was afraid he wouldn’t like the deal. The deal was if I went 90 days with no cigarettes for him to give me a child cuz quitting smoking is a big thing, therefore I thought getting a big thing would help. Our other idea was for me to buy whatever I wanted with the money saved that used to be spent on cigarettes, but I want the kid more than money. Tom’s deal starts off with his usual BS, but I’ve always wanted one regardless.

Then he said, “But if you break down and smoke, you’ll just say I wasn’t gonna give you one anyway and I don’t want to be a part of that. Just quit smoking and we’ll see.”

I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I could go 90 years without smoking and the guy will still never give me a child. Never. If I ever do quit it won’t be for that. Plus, why should I need any rewards to motivate me? Isn’t better health and more money enough?

I took a few pictures of about 5 pigeons bathing in the pool earlier.

I woke up after Tom did this morning to find him in a wonderful mood. Then later it hit me - of course he’s in a grand mood. He happily lost our bet. Just like he wanted to and set out to.

We screwed this morning, but neither of us came. I didn’t cuz I had cum 4 times yesterday and still wasn’t awake enough. And of course, he didn’t cuz he doesn’t want to.

Did I also mention that Tom said he was 99% sure that my not mentioning sex or a kid would help him and that’s all he’s ever wanted? He only wants that cuz he doesn’t want to cum with anyone other than his own self and cuz talk of a kid is a turn-off to him.

“I’ve got no doubt in my mind I’ll win this bet,” he said both times. Yeah, right.

Last night we were talking about my needing to see a GYN. It’s true that I’ve been sent to one twice and all was fine. A doctor in Deerfield sent me to one saying I had warts and I didn’t. Dr. Wilcox over on Bell Rd. when I was on disability sent me to one, but I was fine. This is different, though. God’s got more reasons to be upset with me now. I may not want a kid as much, but I still do some and this is why I wouldn’t be surprised if God fucked with my female parts. All for wanting and praying for something not meant to be that he obviously considers a sin for me and incorrect. I hope to hell I’m wrong, though, and that all really is fine. I know the DES is a factor in this and that even non-DES women are naturally like me. Dr. Rugg said she sees it all the time.

Anyway, Tom’s said we’re paying for our insurance, so we may as well use these doctors. I wonder if he’ll feel that way in April of ‘97. Will I? Especially what with knowing a kid isn’t what he wants? I say it’s not fair to do this to him, but is what he’s doing to me fair?

He’s taking advantage of this 60-day thing to be a game. A game to lead me on. He’ll never change.

My husband says he wants a kid and that we should use these doctors, does not have a “plan,” but does not want to use them till 4/1997. Sure, he has a plan. First, he’ll probably hope to hell I come out and say I don’t want one to cover his true feelings, but eventually, he’ll confess cuz I ain’t giving him what he wants. Even if I really were to become totally against it, and I might, I won’t say anything cuz I ain’t giving him the satisfaction or a way out of confessing. I want to hear the truth from him and I hope it’ll be soon and not when I’m 80. He can’t keep making excuses or hiding from the truth forever. This is all gonna catch up to him and get him in the end.

After I run out of cigarettes, I want to try to quit again.

Later...

Wearing a bra has really helped to make my tits less sore.

Since I’m usually getting my periods early, with my luck I’ll get it at Dr. Nielsen’s office tomorrow.

As I knew, still no letter from Dr. Rugg, so the GYN will be calling me before the week’s out, no doubt.

God, I’m sorry my desires were not as you’d approve of, but please let me be OK. Leave me alone and I shall very happily leave you alone.

It’s nice to know, though, that I’m in a fine mood, even though my life is at a standstill; I can’t be a professional singer, have a kid or quit smoking.

I had a dream last night that I weighed myself as 106. Now I definitely see that dream as a warning.

A few nights ago, I had a dream that Nana - at least I think it was Nana - was telling me to pick new dreams/goals. As if to confirm to me that I was right about the singing and the kid not being meant to be.

Tom’s home now, so I’ll write more later.

Later...

Yesterday Andy gave me the 800# to the Sheridan Hotel in Springfield (the one downtown where he was working when we met). We were gonna call together to see what they said about their weather since AOL isn’t any more accurate about it than Prodigy was. They put us on hold forever, but Andy had to book it out to work. So, I called back on my own and Adam answered. The gay guy who’s his friend that I’ve also met who’s moving to San Diego. I didn’t say who I was, but in the end, my laugh might’ve been a dead giveaway. Plus, I mentioned being from Phoenix. Anyway, he told me they got snow which turned to freezing rain and how it was to be pretty blustery that night. He said it was really cold and when I asked if he needed a coat, he said, “Oh, yeah!” Meanwhile, it was a beautiful 82º here today.

Tom’s said that some people believe that birds have telepathy, cuz when they’re flying in flocks, they all seem to change directions at the same instant. Perhaps they are psychic cuz sometimes when I go out back there isn’t any lurking around, but barely after a minute after I get out there, they show up. Several do. I got a few pictures of them in the pool. Not in it, but on the wall dividing the pool and spa.

Kim called earlier and read me part of a letter she’s sending Bob about her sexual fantasy to him. She’s a pretty good and creative writer. She’s sending me about 70 pages of stuff she got from Bob with all his fantasies. She says they’re getting funnier and funnier. She said at one point in his letter he had to stop a few times to cum. I believe that. Bet his cellmate got a kick out of it.

This is why I haven’t heard from him. He’s been so busy writing to her since she “opened up” to him.

She said a phone psychic told her friend that her 16-year-old sister was pregnant and she was late for her period. Of course she’s pregnant. She’s 16. She too, though, believes in psychics but believes that the 900# ones are quacks. She’s called several and says the first one was pretty good, but the rest was bullshit. The first one I ever spoke to was half accurate and the rest were 99.9% bullshit. Of course, this last one was 100% bullshit.

I’m so glad that Tom’s so easy. Never hangs all over me. Never asks me to take care of him. It’s totally one-sided sex. Just the opposite of Brenda and Kacey. I’m sure that the number of guys like Tom could be counted on one hand. I really lucked out.

There’s always been a part of me wanting a hysterectomy and I’m hoping more that I’ll need one. I hate PMS and periods! It seems so logical that God would see it as so correct for me. God should definitely grant me that, but cuz there’s a part of me that wants it, I don’t know.

Tom just got up and I’m just kicking back for now. He didn’t sleep well last night cuz he’s really worried about his Dad. I think that on top of the trip in May, money and the several other things I’ve mentioned, his Dad is his biggest reason for not wanting a kid.

I’m outside right now and it’s already getting fairly warm. It also feels humid for some strange reason, yet there isn’t a cloud in the sky.

I just gave the birds an early lunch. They’re getting braver. They’re letting me get closer and closer.

I think today I’ll work on my story.

I’ve got the radio tuned into KHITS right now, hoping they finally play my request. I called and let the DJ know how my requests were never played and hopefully, he’ll play them this time.

I just spoke to my Mom and she said to let her know what David and Evie like as far as flag designs.

I believe I’ll get mail from Kim and Bob today. I hope Bob tells me he got that manila envelope. He hasn’t yet said anything about the “mysterious phone call” I said I got. I know he got the letter, so if he continues not to say anything about it, then I’ll know he’s just too embarrassed to bring it up. Just like with the secret admirer letter I sent Kim to send to him.

Yesterday Tom installed the water tank and this morning I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor which had gotten quite filthy.

Tom and I made a deal, even though I know it’ll do no good. Seeing is gonna be my only ticket to believing when it comes to sex and the kid.

He also explained something to me that makes sense but also doesn’t make sense at the same time. Well, yesterday I commented, “Shit. We can’t have fun in the morning till the weekend.”

This is what I really thought cuz I know he has things he likes to do in the mornings.

So, then he says, “Don’t say that cuz then it’ll stick in my brain and end up that way.”

So he was telling me how it wasn’t easy for him to get over things he hears and I asked, “So, you mean cuz I said you couldn’t cum, that’s why you can’t.” He said that was part of it, but yet he’s always told me it wasn’t my problem and not my fault. Also, I know better and I know he’s always been able and always will be his choice to cum or not.

So I said, “If I don’t mention anything about cumming or having a kid for 60 days, will that help you?” He said he was 99% sure it would, but couldn’t guarantee anything in this life.

Well, I’ll keep my mouth shut for 60 days, but I still know better on that one, too.

Yeah! He’s playing my request. Finally!

Later...

I’m gonna try to stay up till the mail comes. I wonder if I’ll be getting those Little House videos at all. I hope they come soon if I’m to get them at all.

I forgot to mention something else as far as Tom’s concerned when he says that if I say certain things it sticks in his brain. Then why doesn’t it stick in his brain when I ask him not to leave the bathroom sink water dripping? It seems the more I ask him a favor, no matter how nicely, the less he’s willing to do it.