Before I expand on other jobs I’ve had and more, let me tell you about my sex life with Tom. Well, other than the fact that I enjoy it and can get off by him either going down on me or by him being inside me, it sucks. He has never ever had an orgasm since we’ve been together, but this is his own choice. In the beginning, I felt like an inadequate freak who wasn’t good enough to get her man off. I sometimes still feel that way, but I don’t for the most part, as I know it’s he that chose not to cum. They say actions speak louder than words and his actions have shown two reasons as to why he’s chosen not to cum. One is cuz he doesn’t want a child, even though he swears he does. Two is cuz he enjoys teasing me with issues of sex and a kid and playing head games with me about it. He firmly denies this, though, saying he has some other kind of psychological block that’s preventing him from cumming. He’s said he’s been experimenting with all kinds of things to see if this helps him, but I really believe this is all just part of his games. The thing I wonder, though, is when and how is this game going to end. Why and how could such an otherwise honest and loving guy want to be so cruel and dishonest to me about such a major and personal issue?

I know most other women would get the message as far as him not wanting a kid and leave due to feeling like a freak and being teased and lied to, but I love him more than life itself. Yes, he’s hurt me and I’ll never forgive him for his lying to me and not allowing me to have a child, but I did marry him and not a child and he’s got way, way more good to him than bad, otherwise I wouldn’t be with him.

We’ve made an agreement that he promises to stick to. That we’ll go to a doctor in April of ‘97 if we’re not parents by then or if I’m not at least pregnant. However, I’m afraid he’s gonna try to “beat” this. Maybe he’ll cum enough to get out of going to the doctor’s, but not enough to get me pregnant if I can cuz I’m a DES daughter which I’ll get into some other time. Or maybe he’ll go, but not allow it to help him due to his being so against a child. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, even though he throws out suggestions to me that he feels will help him. I believe he does things like this to cover the truth of his not wanting a child. I have my theories as to why he doesn’t want to be a father. Things like money, the time it’d take up, what I’d have to go through carrying and delivering it, fear of my being a bad mother, etc. When we both met, he dropped subtle hints as well as said things bluntly that said he doesn’t want to deal with a kid. Now he swears it’s the exact opposite, but two different nurses I once called and asked about it say they think he’s just saying he wants a kid cuz I do and he doesn’t want to let me down. What does he call what he’s doing then? I guess he just wants to put off telling me the truth as long as he can. His nature is to put off most things until the last minute, so who knows what’s really on his mind? Maybe he wants to make things turn out so that our only choice is to adopt an older kid or maybe he’ll keep trying to fix this bogus problem of his till I’m too old. That way he never has to deal with telling me the truth. I’d hope, though, that if all else fails after we see this doctor in ‘97, he’ll allow his sperm to be injected into me. I know they can do this. My friend Kim from MA thinks he’s telling the truth and that there’ll eventually be no problem. She’s a nurse, too. Maybe he’s waiting, but just doesn’t want to tell me that, but I highly doubt that one. He says he wants a kid and wants one now, but if he ever did let himself cum, believe me, I’d be as shocked as I’d be if I could make the computer jump off the desk with my mind.

I just wish I knew the truth. Is he lying to me as I’m pretty sure he is? Is he waiting to let go right before seeing a doctor? Will he let go enough to get me pregnant? Am I sterile? Is he gonna come out and tell me he never wanted a kid or suddenly doesn’t? What’s really on his mind? Does he really have any plans or tricks up his sleeve?

He now believes that his so-called problem is in his subconscious like I’ve told him all along. He said he doesn’t know if he fears my being a bad mom in his subconscious.

Before I get into my thoughts about the pros and cons of having a kid, let me just say this. I don’t believe Tom and Tom alone is the reason why he is the way he is or why we’re childless. I also put a lot of blame on God. Maybe more. They say God doesn’t make any mistakes, but I don’t know about that one. If that were true, then why are more teens, druggies and people that don’t want kids or who are abusive having kids? They also say that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Well, I don’t buy that one either, or else no one would ever commit suicide. For me, though, maybe that does apply to me. I should’ve, let alone could’ve, died a few times in my life, so maybe God really does feel that having a kid would kill me and is only trying to protect me. We all know what lack of sleep can do to me. It almost killed me in CT, but I’ll get into that later. I’m also quite sensitive and I myself can’t see how I could survive giving birth to a child. To me, the thought of having a kid is no different than a knife being plunged into your belly and pussy over and over. I can’t see how I’d deal with raising it and getting barely any sleep. I look at other mothers as having to be Wonder Woman and I’m just not that.

Anyway, I really do believe from what I’ve seen and heard that in order for God to let you have a child, you have to fit one of those categories. If I didn’t want a kid or was a druggie or some kind of a big-time asshole, then yes, I’d have a child now.

I have tried praying to God for this and asking him why he does the things he does. Why does he have to be so unfair and why does he insist on me only getting second best or lower for the most part and why do I always have to be in some kind of weird situation in life? I can’t keep a schedule to save my life and God’s always got to have some kind of weird thing going on with me or someone I’m associated with. First I’m too tight, then I can’t get someone I’m attracted to and now this shit with Tom. It’s like he’s cursed me sexually. He just doesn’t want me to have a normal sex life. Now that I can function sexually he’s got to make sure the one I’m with doesn’t.

They say different is good, and yes, I’m proud of some things about me that are different, but for the most part, I’m sick of being different and I’m certainly sick of being weird and of being associated with weird.

Tom goes and talks about wanting to solve his “problem” by not taking the fun out of sex. Well, how can sex with no cumming be fun? That’d drive me frustratingly crazy to live like that. Also, I thought cumming was supposed to be a natural and fun thing to do? Is it really so much work for him that’s no fun?

Anyway, I can’t bring myself to pray to God. Not after the things I’ve seen him do. Anyone that gives kids to murderers that he lets off scot-free, can’t be trusted or prayed to by me.

Yes, I do want a kid and will probably want one for the rest of my life, since I know the bottom line is that Tom and God won’t allow me to have a kid, but I have my fears and doubts about it too. They say that’s normal, though.

What are my fears? How I’d handle the not getting any sleep part of it and get on a schedule. The pregnancy and the delivery and being forever fat. The money and time issues. Also, I don’t know anything about kids and learning all there is to know is very overwhelming to me. Fears of Tom leaving, fears of this violent world and we couldn’t protect the kid forever. Fear of Tom being turned off me cuz of how I’d look. Fear of being a bad mother and of regretting having a kid. Fear of it coming between us and ruining our marriage.

Sometimes I feel Tom doesn’t understand me. He’s not a woman and he’s not the one who wants the kid, so I don’t think he has any concept of how his lying and games have hurt me, even though it’s gotten easier. You get used to things with time and accept that you can’t fight them and change them, but there are some things that I’m amazed he can pick up on. I don’t care nearly as much as I used to if Tom never cums cuz it numbs my desire to have a child somewhat due to knowing he doesn’t want one. Well, he said he could sense the part that doesn’t care as much if he cums or not. He said this is good cuz that may help him. Weird. I would think that my caring all the more about something would help someone that loves me want to see me get it and try harder. His philosophy is to not try hard if you even try at all. I’ve always been taught and have mostly experienced that if you want something bad enough, you have to work for it and do all you can to get it.

I agreed to go to a doctor in April of ‘97 cuz it was the soonest I could get him to agree to go. To me, this seems like a long time to wait for something you say you want (we made the agreement in Sept). He says it just seems like a long time to me cuz I believe we’ll need to go to a doctor whereas he’s 100% sure we’ll have no problem before April of ‘97. He said he feels this way due to the progress we’ve made, therefore we should have no problems progressing all the way. Well, the only progress that I see we’ve made is that I can take him inside of me and do a few more positions, but he still hasn’t cum. So as far as I see it, I’m the only one who’s made progress. He always says he’s getting closer to cumming and that he’ll cum anytime soon, but I know he’s full of shit.

Anyway, it hurts knowing I’ll never be a mom and I’ll never forgive Tom for lying to me and hurting me, but I love him and I know I can’t force him to be a father.

What I mean by being a DES daughter is that this was a drug (now not used for this) that mothers who were at risk of having miscarriages were given. Later it was discovered that it causes problems in both daughters and sons of mothers who were DES-exposed. However, different reports seem to state different things. Some say the biggest issue was the higher chances of cervical and breast cancer. Others say the biggest issue was miscarriages and sterility. Well, sometimes it’s unfortunate that my woman’s intuition or ESP or whatever you want to call it is pretty accurate on things I feel strongly about, cuz this is one of them. I mean, my gut has always told me I’m sterile, regardless of Tom and his shit. God just won’t budge on this subject and allow me to have a kid and I still don’t know if it’s cuz I don’t qualify or if he’s just trying to save my life. If God can do anything, and I believe he can, then why can’t he allow me to have a kid without it killing me or my marriage? This is why I think he won’t allow it cuz I want it and cuz I know I wouldn’t be the worst mom in the world. I’m also not a druggie and I haven’t gone through shit in life that would be even worse than what I’ve already gone through that’s bad enough. Meaning I haven’t been raped or molested or in some accident that caused me to break every single bone in my body or burned in a fire. I’d have to not want a kid all the time or have something so incredibly bad happen to me that’d be beyond anything I’ve ever experienced or have a major flood or fire in here or get into drugs. No thanks, so I’m out of luck.

Andy’s to be here at 5:00 in the morning, then we’ll probably both be getting up at 1:30 PM. I’m pretty sure I’ll be asleep when he arrives.

I wonder if he’ll bring me cigarettes or his journal for me to write in. Although I’m sure we’ll be sleeping at the same time, so I won’t get a chance to write in his journal.

I sure am having lousy luck with painting today! I tried to do a painting of an ocean and palm trees, but by the time I got done with the sky, it was a bust since I don’t have the proper colors.

I’m sitting outside on a lounge chair in the backyard where I have plenty of company. Several pigeons that I feed come here daily and they go back and forth between waltzing around the backyard, to the pool for drinks. There’s a wall dividing the pool and Jacuzzi which they stand on in order to be low enough to the water to get drinks.

Tom, who has weekends off is now in the kitchen painting a picture of Gloria Estefan, my second favorite singer. My first favorite is Linda Ronstadt.

Yesterday, at Tom’s parent’s house, Tom fixed a pair of electric scissors for Ma since she really relies on them due to having bad arthritis.

Then Tom and I took turns sawing branches off a tree in their front yard with a really neat saw that’s on a pole for reaching higher branches.

I also had a couple of Ma’s homemade cookies and showed her some drawing techniques. I seem to be much better at drawing than painting since I’ve done this longer. I’ve done some shitty drawings and some that were excellent, but overall, I’m just an average artist. It’s something I accidentally discovered and stumbled upon back in Massachusetts in 1989.

When we get more art sealer (clear spray paint) I’ll do more wall art. I’ve got several drawings on the walls in the house which I use Crayola washable markers to do. When we move into that bigger, more modern house we want, I’ll have more room to hopefully do even better wall art since I’ve improved with time and practice.

Later...

In a little while, Tom and I will be having sex which I both love and hate but will get into another time.

I’m watching a really neat movie now as I write that I’ve seen before about the miraculous landing of a cabin-torn plane.

Now I’ll describe our house. It was built in the 50s and is older than I prefer. It’s a 2-bedroom. One of the bedrooms is a pretty good size. The living room’s too small and there’s barely any counter space in the kitchen, but the back room is pretty large. It runs the whole length of the back of the house and it’s where our computer and electronic stuff is as well as our guinea pig. He’s nearly 2½ years old with a few different shades of brown. I call him Piggy or Piggles.

We sleep in the master bedroom and we both use the other one. He uses the closet in there and has a dresser of clothes. I have my stereo in there, my journals, and a table for writing and drawing.

The bathroom is too old and too small.

We have a long 2-car garage where you can park bumper to bumper. He’s the only one who has a car, though, as I’ve always had a phobia against driving that I never could conquer, even though I do have a license. Also, I never could afford a car.

The exterior of the house is brick that’s painted light blue.

We have a good size backyard with a pool and Jacuzzi. I wish we could afford to heat them during the winter.

Later...

Throughout my writing, I’ll be bouncing back and forth between the current and the past.

I’ll describe a little bit about my character, personality, etc. Well, I don’t work and haven’t for the bulk of my life. Regular jobs just aren’t me and I cannot keep a schedule. I prefer working at home and playing the typical role of the wife while Tom’s the breadwinner. So, I work on my hobbies here at home as well as take care of the house. I do, however, have hopes of selling an art disk sometime this year.

I’ll go through my work history, though, now which is incredibly brief that one might laugh. When I was 16, I briefly worked at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, Connecticut for a few weeks, but was fired due to my being too stupid to do the job right.

Then when I was 18, I worked at a concession stand at a movie theater in a mall in Holyoke, Massachusetts. This job sucked and had no modern cash register. Just a money drawer. So, me and my lousy math ability had to count back change, and back then I could barely even use a calculator as I can now. I was there barely a month when I was told I’d be laid off, but I’m pretty sure this was their kindest way of firing me.

Then, it was off to McDonald’s which sucked and didn’t last long either. The reason why I left there after a month or so is cuz I returned to the Harley Hotel where I remained from 3/1995-5/1996. This was the longest I ever held a job. I was a housekeeper there and for the most part, I loved the job. Why? Well, I was only 20 and 21 years old, so most people that age aren’t quite picky and tend to put their all into anything they can get. Also, I was pretty desperate for attention at this time in my life and really got along with my boss and coworkers well.

This would change, though, as the impact of my past was finally hitting me. They say there are the 3 stages for those who’ve had any kind of trauma in their past. First there’s the suppression, then it hits you and you can’t help dwelling on it no matter what, then there’s getting to the point where you can deal with it and accept it, even though you can never forget it.

I wasn’t hated there, but my boss got sick of me as I was late or absent more and more and had more problems concentrating on my work. For a reason no one knew, Linda S, our boss, up and left and seemed to stab everyone in the back on her way out. She had promised to get together with me and other people there that thought she had become our friend. I guess Linda was phony and her friendliness was all for show to create a better work environment.

In the end, there’d be 4 people there who either made trouble for me or that I made trouble for. Linda and her homicide detective husband, Jenny C, a friend I’d had since I was 9, Michelle L, who I took in to live with me in my apt., and finally, Norah M, the new supervisor from London, England who I had a major crush on.

Linda was the executive and when she left, she took the supervisor that was also her friend named Allison T with her.

They were replaced with Sandra J as the executive and Norah was to be the new supervisor.

Usually, it takes me time to develop any lust for a person. Also, I had never been attracted to guys before meeting Tom. I could tell which guys were better looking than others and found some to be physically attractive, but there was never any comparison to my attraction towards women and Tom.

Norah was one of the very few whom I experienced lust at first sight. Until I met Tom, it was never a mutual thing for me. Anyone I wanted didn’t want me and vice versa. I’m not sure if Norah was gay. One minute she seemed to drop hints suggesting that she was and the next she seemed straight as an arrow. I guess she was straight. She strung me along by promising to get together with me and sometimes I wasn’t sure if she was just deliberately playing games or if she really was interested in at least being my friend. She was very moody, too. One minute she’d be so friendly and the next she’d bitch at me and anyone else who was nearby for no apparent reason. Even the boss had a talking to her about that a few times. Everyone hated her.

I loved her English accent. The English accent has always been my favorite. She was short. Maybe a couple of inches taller than me. She had shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes. She wasn’t fat or skinny. She had to have been in her mid-30s at the time I knew her. I’ve always liked them older.

Soon enough I’ll get into past lovers, but that’s more like past sex partners, as I’ve been with very few people for very short periods of time. Before Tom, as I always would describe it, I spent 99.9% of my life alone. I was 100% sure I’d be alone forever with an occasional one-niter with a woman once or twice a year if I was lucky. Femininity and lesbianism don’t go well together. If you’re into butches; no problem. Butches love fems, but the very few other gay or bi fems out there almost always prefer butches. Supposedly, they want the sensitivity of a woman, but the masculinity at the same time. Well, believe me, I’ve known some pretty rough and brutal butches that are no different than men, only they live in women’s bodies.

I know we all can’t help the way we look for the most part, but there’s something I never could get. If you’re not attracted to men, why would you want to look like one or be with a woman who looks like one?

Tom and I returned from my in-law’s house about an hour ago. It was quite an honor to see one of my paintings framed and up on their wall. Tomorrow I intend to paint and maybe Tom will too.

I feel really bad for my in-laws as this large, wild, loud Mexican family moved in next door to them. That house had been empty for over a year. It’s a beautiful house that’ll no doubt be trashed soon enough.

 We just played 5 games of cards and now he’s doing his second usual - the computer.

I’m so fed up with Tom like never before and am even wondering if I shouldn’t just go back out on my own again. Maybe I’m better off lonely and in a complete shell than dealing with his bullshit lies and false promises. Just when we both thought things were getting better. I realize more and more that I could never have a child with this man, even if there were no problems with intimacy. Remember how a few years ago I had said constantly that if one’s gonna have a kid, better to have that kid alone? That way the stress of the relationship itself doesn’t get hit with the double whammy of having the kid to deal with too. It’s so true that two’s company, but three’s a crowd. Sharing other humans whether they’re a friend or a kid with someone else is just all the more hazardous to the main relationship. I couldn’t raise a child with Tom any more than I could have an active friend that Andy and I both shared. I saw what Brenda, Bonnie and Steve did to my friendship with Andy and I know what kids can do to couples. I’d rather be glad this man could never get me pregnant and cry over missing out on being a mom for the rest of my life than take such chances and risks as having a kid with him or anyone else.

Last night he admitted to something that I suspected was true. See? I have these things that I suspect about him that he eventually confirms are true, so why should I be wrong about his not wanting a kid? There’s no way I’m wrong about the kid issue.

When he went to bed, I was in bed crying and he said to get it out now, cuz he didn’t want me to have to get it out 2-3 hours later. I said, “No. It’ll only burden and depress you and cause us to fight.” He said it would burden him, but that I could still get it out if I needed to.

That little fuck! So he really is burdened by things that upset me and really would rather not hear it at all. Well, that’s exactly what he’s gonna get since talking about things could never change them anyhow.

Then at one point, I had said that I played the words he wrote in my journal through my head over and over, but that it wasn’t helping me. I said, “We aren’t ever having a kid, are we?” Then I asked if he thought his fears of me being a bad mom were playing on his subconscious.

He said, “I don’t know what the problem is or else I’d have fixed it. I don’t know if that’s it.”

So he confirmed that that’s a possibility after telling me that wasn’t the case. He is right about the fact that yes, I’d be a lousy mother. I’ll give the guy that much.

I told him the thing I don’t understand about him is why does that have to be another one of those things that he has to put off? Why does everything have to be such a waiting game with him? I told him that if he was very sick, he wouldn’t make a doctor’s appointment over a year from then, so why the wait? How does he know that this problem of his will be “fixed” by April of ‘97? Can’t he see his stubbornness is hurting me? Can’t he see he’s forcing me to wait so long when we could just go to the doctor? His answer to that was that he had doubts if I really wanted a kid cuz I wasn’t willing to wait. Yes, good things are worth waiting for, but that’s not the point. I want to go to a doctor cuz I do want it. I don’t want to wait over a year. Besides that comment of his was just a way to stick the blame on me like he’s been doing ever since we began screwing to cover up his own problems and fears and bullshit lies about it. He uses the most stupid excuses for his problems. If it isn’t me he uses as an excuse, it’s some other stupid thing that’s really just a part of life. Millions of other people who don’t know each other’s names get pregnant from one-night stands, but he can’t with his wife and he expects me to believe that he isn’t against having a kid? I thought I was the #1 chicken in this world as far as having a kid goes, but now I see I’m the #2 chicken. He’s always got to “get relaxed” which he’s obviously never been able to do. There’s never an “opportunity” for him to get me pregnant, he claims. Then he always insists that I want to fight with him and that I’m deliberately taking “cheap shots” at him and now he says he wonders frequently if we should be married. That makes two of us and if he comes home from work today and asks me to pack, I’m not gonna fight for him. I’ll just call my folks for help, go live in a shell and dance till I’m too old to dance and I die of starvation. There’s no other kind of a life I could make for myself anyway if I lived on my own.

Then he said that two nights ago (I don’t know why he waited 24 hours to tell me this unless it was just out of spite), I went on for hours about how Kim and Alex were so respectful while they were here.

That’s a crock and I told the little prick that what I said was that Alex may come out to visit Arizona late this year with a girlfriend and that Alex and Kim would respect our privacy and not get in our way. This didn’t take hours, either.

I’m just so fed up with this man and I’ve never been more afraid to talk to him. I’ll write a million times more as I never thought I could or would be so afraid to talk to him after he admitted to being burdened. That’s true love from him, huh? If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant, I’d be afraid more than I ever thought I could or would, knowing that he really does think just what I thought he thinks about that. Nope. I sure as hell won’t talk to him or be a parent with him. Yes, I’ll be intimate with him, but that’s only cuz I know he can’t make me pregnant. If this latest fight has done me any good, it’s made me more grateful that he can’t climax and made me feel less of an inadequate freak and now I look at his not climaxing as safe and much less of a mess.

Again, though, who knows if I’ll be here? I wouldn’t be surprised if he dumps me at this point.

Another thing that confirmed that it was sheer jealousy on his part about Kim and Alex’s visit is how he said back then that they didn’t ask him too about coming here. Andy didn’t ask him too about sleeping over. He asked me and I asked him and he said it was OK like I figured he would. Then I told Andy that it was OK as I figured it would be. He never labeled Andy as disrespectful for not asking him too. He went on to say that I rubbed something in his face that we’re never gonna agree on. Bullshit. Then he says that I have to make my own decisions in life and that I should walk around any obstacles that are in the way of what I want. Yeah, right! I made the decision to have a child, but he won’t allow that. Besides, what am I supposed to do? Say to him that he’s an obstacle to my having a kid cuz he won’t climax and go grab some guy off the street to get pregnant? Give me a break!

The hope and thought of having a kid with him are over as it always has been and this marriage might be, too.

Later...

I’m sitting at the kitchen table as I write and making spag.

I’m wondering, though - does one have a right to seal someone else’s fate? Meaning, does Tom have the right to pre-judge and assume for sure that I’d be a bad mother and deny me my right to be a mother if I could?

I suppose he does. If I felt he’d do something harmful to a child, I wouldn’t want to have any part in making him a father. I know that when he comes home today he’s gonna mention my being a bad mother and how he has doubts about it to “get me” for last night. Especially cuz I said fuck you to him. I’m almost certain he’ll bring up the subject of a divorce, too, but like I said, I won’t be fighting for him. All the fight has gone out of me as far as getting anything I want is concerned.

I’m a bit irked by what Andy told Karson. He told her if she wrote me a letter I’d forgive her. Well, I don’t appreciate him taking it upon himself to decide this for me. It’s not a question of my having to forgive Karson whether or not she’s pregnant. I just don’t want to deal with people like her. Why does Karson want to be my friend so much and why does Andy always have to be so pushy? I don’t like subjects or people being pushed on me that I wish to avoid.

Later...

The birds actually like Shake-N-Bake. Yesterday I made pork chops and decided to see if they liked it and they did.

The phone’s ringing now and I’m sure it’s Andy. However, I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. I better save my voice and energy for the hell to come when Tom gets home. Come to think of it, whoever called didn’t seem to let it ring long enough to leave a message, but I’m sure it was Andy.

Now I’ll go watch an old rerun of Little House, then Charlie’s Angels which comes on after.

Later...

I’m so bored now. I could use a nice hot relaxing bath, so I guess I’ll go take one. Then I can maybe type some more of this up or play computer games.

This is day two of being constipated. It’s amazing I even awoke at 98 pounds, but I did.

It’s 63º now. They say 66º for Saturday and they’re still saying 70º for Super Bowl Sunday.

Only about two more hours until I have to deal with Tom. I doubt he’ll stop at the library as he mentioned doing one of these days since he’s probably too pissed at me.

I just thought of a scary possibility, although it’s doubtful. This one I doubt the most. Maybe God won’t let him let himself climax so I don’t get pregnant cuz God knows we’ll be divorced and doesn’t want us to deal with a custody battle on top of all else. Nah - Tom knows I’d want him to take the kid and God could just sterilize me. God wouldn’t allow me to be pregnant under any circumstances, rich, poor, single or married.

Also, Tom explained to me how he sort of bought this house illegally and maybe he’s waiting till we move to divorce me so he doesn’t get in trouble. On the other hand, I’m sure he could find a way around it and the house is in his name only which I would think would make him feel more comfortable than having a house with both our names on it.

What does he see in me? What does he want from me? He likes how I don’t care to work and he doesn’t need me to carry a child for him, so just what purpose do I serve him?

Sometimes I wish I did have a car and a job and could keep a schedule. Then there’d be more money and less time for me to sit around and wonder and analyze. Kim really got her money’s worth out of this journal she bought me, huh? It’s jammed packed with bitching, confusion, ideas, theories, fears, doubts, anger, depression and questions. Maybe I should learn more about how houses and marriages work. Maybe then I’ll find some answers.

I’m not saying Tom doesn’t love me. I know he does. I just wish I knew why? He says I’m smart and attractive, but I have a hard time buying the attractive part of it for reasons we already know. I simply feel there’s something else he sees in me that I don’t know of. I highly doubt he’s afraid to be alone. He can keep a schedule and with his car and job, he’d have no problem. In fact, I wonder why he doesn’t see being alone as cheaper with less to do and less bullshit. What does he really see in me? Why does he really love me? I hope I’ll know the answer soon enough.

If only I were friends with a legit psychic. A real psychic. One more psychic than I ever could be.

Later...

Well, I guess he’ll be home within an hour. A part of me wishes I were going to bed now, but we may as well get all the fighting done and over with.

I listened to music and played computer games, but now I’m bored again. Bored and depressed and totally powerless to change anything.

After we fight and maybe get told I’m getting dumped and certainly get told there’ll be no kid cuz I’d be a bad mother, I’ll write all about it. If I don’t write tonight, I’ll write tomorrow. I just wish it wasn’t the weekend! I don’t want to deal with him or be with him.

Tom should’ve gotten off work an hour ago, so where is he? Did he stop at the grocery store? I wonder if he’s left. He once told me that if I left, don’t come back. Well, he better apply this rule to himself if he’s gone off somewhere. Is he running down to the courthouse to get divorce papers? He calls when he’s gonna be late, so who knows if something’s up if he isn’t on his way home now.

Later...

Thank God everything’s alright! He came in at 5:30 and I said, “Do you have any idea just how worried I’ve been?” He did go to the library which was the last place I thought he’d go. Then he asked if I was still mad at him. I said, “No, but I tried lying to myself and saying to myself that I was.” We hugged and kissed and he said he was sorry I forgot about it and got worried. I said I wanted to forget about last night and move forward and he agreed.

Due to forgetting he was going to the library and knowing he calls when he’s gonna be late, I called Tammy in a panic. I told her, “I know you can’t help me, but we had a spat last night and I’m afraid he’s filing for divorce.” Then I told her how he got cigarettes for me this morning, then left for work, then I got up.

She said, “He’s not gonna get your cigarettes, then file for divorce.”

When I told Tom, I wrote 23 pages today he asked if I wrote a lot of bad things about him. I guess he may not appreciate some of the things I wrote, but I also wrote negative things about myself, too. Like what a shitty mother I’d make.

Later...

I’ve really got to push myself to smoke outside only as I’ve said many times before cuz it makes it stink in here and it affects Tom. It’d make me smoke less, too.

Tom’s reading his electronics magazine that he got in the mail. Where’s my puzzle magazine? It seems to me it’s quite late and I’m running low on backup ones.

I don’t wonder why Tom’s not horny and why I’m sure he won’t touch me this weekend, but I wonder why I haven’t been horny. It comes and goes, but it seems this low point has lasted longer. I know I could always take care of myself, but I guess it’s easier this way. Plus, it’s not always convenient for me to take care of myself the moment the mood strikes.

I can’t believe I wrote 25 pages today. That’d shock the shit out of Andy and I’ll bet Andy would never write that much in one day.

I’ve decided to get two more journals like 100, 103 & 104. I want to use one for a regular journal but with different colors of print. The other I want to use for drawing as I feel I’m worthy of it now. I’ve improved so much, even though, I still have a long way to go. I have so many more ideas to draw. The spiral journals would be perfect for it cuz they’re a perfect size and the spiral ones lay flat when opened, unlike this one. Tom couldn’t find any drawing book ideas, but he brought home two oil painting books. One’s by Bob Ross.

The first one of them, which has step-by-step instructions that I want to try is one of palm trees and an ocean. A good 99% of all his paintings are of New England scenery. A lot of fall and winter landscapes.

I guess Tom’s gone now to do some computer work. I still feel as if he’d rather stay away from me unless I called for him to be close to me.

Anyway, the other painting book was of several different things. Scenery, naked women, buildings, still life, etc. All the pictures were either ugly or boring, but they had a color dial in them which is helpful. It shows you what colors to mix to get certain colors. It’s pretty neat how you can buy a Bob Ross book that’s much less in thickness for nearly $20 but get a much thicker book of his for free at the library.

I’m getting really fed up with those two dogs two yards down that bark all the time and that are so cruelly neglected. I can’t even be in the music room without having the music on. Sometimes I want to sit in there with no music on. Just peace and quiet so I can concentrate. I may check the house number that’s painted on the curb and send them a letter saying I work for the humane society. Or how my crazy brother is threatening to shoot them or something like that. I doubt it’d do me much good, though.

Later...

My name is Jodi Lin S and my nickname is Mystery. I’ll get into how I got that nickname some other time. I’m 30 years old, 5’ tall, 100 pounds with green eyes and brown curly hair to the top of my butt (when you pull it straight).

I’ve been living in Phoenix, Arizona since 6/9/1992, but was born in Springfield, Massachusetts.

My husband Tom, is one of the few natives left of Arizona. My husband Tom, who’s 38 and who works in a bank, is 5’ 10”, 192 pounds with blue-gray eyes and wavy brown-gray hair. His hair color suits him well and his eyes are gorgeous. His middle name is Allen, by the way.

I was right about the 22nd, but first let me mention that Andy will be sleeping over again next Tuesday. They never bombed his place which he was so pissed about and I don’t blame him. They left him a note saying they didn’t bomb cuz people didn’t cover their dishes. So he bitched the office out saying they should have sense enough to know he’d be washing them due to all the roaches all over them. They should’ve left everyone notes to wash any exposed dishes during the bombing. Tom says that if he lives surrounded by trees, they can spray and bomb all they want, but they’ll keep coming back. I asked Andy why he doesn’t just say fuck it and wait till he moves which is just barely over a month away. He says he doesn’t want to take them with him. I told him to just make sure anything he packs in boxes doesn’t have roaches in it and he says it’s not that easy cuz the situation is that bad.

On the 22nd, after I spoke to Tammy and at the end of the day there, all kinds of shit went down with Lisa, but I’ll write about it after getting some more of this typed up.

Later...

Andy liked what I wrote in his journal and read it to Michelle. He said he was amazed at how much I wrote, having beat him already. He wrote 6 pages and I wrote 8.

I have to type up at least one more journal so I can use multi-colored print as I’ve been doing for people’s letters due to our black ribbon being sort of dead. There’s green, blue, purple, red and magenta.

Tom never emptied out the water in the EC which is now running off the roof and leaking down into the back room.

Why does God insist I basically live in old places as well as have me be in weird sexual issues? There’s always something going on that’s fucked up or broken, as well as I’m always involved in some kind of sexual issue that’s negative/abnormal. When I was born did God say, “I’m gonna make sure she always deals with second best or worse and either she or her partners must have problems sexually.” First I was too tight, then couldn’t get anyone I was attracted to (except for a few times) now it’s Tom’s refusing to cum. Can’t God leave all alone for once as far as sex is concerned? I’ve had and still have enough other things about me that are different.

I guess it all comes down to two things again. God being unfair and compensating me for the things I do have and can do.

Anyway, what’s going on with Lisa is that according to Tammy she’s doing horrible in school. Bullying teachers and classmates and getting Fs like never before. Now I know some of it is typical teenage shit, but I know the bulk of her ways are Tammy-inspired. With Tammy screaming and bitching and cutting her down so much, what does she expect? And Bill isn’t exactly father of the year, either. Tammy and Bill are both so serious and tense constantly. Tammy says she’s aggressively looking into a private school for Lisa.

Great. That’ll really solve things and make Lisa feel better about herself and about life and like her parents want, love and care for her. I even asked Tammy if she thought this might make Lisa feel rejected and cause more trouble and her answer was that she hoped it made Lisa feel the same amount of rejection and pain as it was doing to her. She says Lisa’s embarrassed her and when I asked her since when did she give a shit about what others think, she said she always has. Yeah, I guess this is true for her. Larry walking out of our lives really hit her hard whereas I looked at it as, “Oh, well. This is life. Shit like this happens all the time, so what’s one more person dumping me when my own parents did that?”

What is it - a family tradition to send your kids away? Is this hereditary? Tammy almost got sent away herself as did Larry.

Like I said I know all kids cause trouble and that Tammy’s not the worst mother, but I really believe she’s pretty much a carbon copy of our mom and that’s bad enough. I’m not there all the time to see everything that goes on, but I know my sister well enough to know what she’s like. She’ll never change. The only thing that’s changed with her is that she quit cutting me down cuz she knows I won’t listen to it or bother with her. I also appreciate for life her getting me out of Massachusetts, then out of Connecticut, but Tammy is still Tammy. The same as always and I feel so bad for those kids of hers and really feel one of two things will happen. The state will either take them away and they’ll go through the same shit I did in foster homes or she’ll kick them out one by one. The state already threatened to take her kids away once.

I hate how more people need to get involved, but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do, but I hope someone closer to them will.

I hate to say this, but Tammy, like my mother, never should’ve had kids. In a way, I believe it’d be best for the girls to live with a good person(s). I know Tammy would love the peace and quiet and having no kids around and she’s expressed to me enough times how motherhood sucks and how she has no time for herself. She could have this if she were big enough to find a better place for the girls to live or got help for herself, but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.

Later...

Anyway, all this shit with Tammy and Lisa has sent Tom’s fear of when he said he was afraid I’d say mean things to a kid if we had one playing through my head over and over. He’s so right and I don’t want to go through the same shit Tammy’s going through. I’d be a lousy mom and I couldn’t live with myself for putting any child through what I went through. Tammy and I may be different, but we come from the same parents who were abusive.

As long as Tom refuses to cum, I’ll always believe he doesn’t want a kid and believes I’d be a bad mom. I realize more and more how I should follow my head and not my heart and avoid pregnancy, not that that’d be a hard thing to do. Like I have a damn thing to worry about as far as getting pregnant goes anyway?

Tom says Lisa’s an individual, as everyone is, so it’s not necessarily true that the other two will deal with things the way she has. Also, Bill’s not her father, so no matter how loving he is, they’ve both got that to deal with subconsciously.

I’m making pork chops now, so I’m gonna go eat while I watch Little House on the Prairie, then clean the bathroom.

Later...

I straightened up the very trashed patio a bit. Is Tom ever gonna neaten up?! He promised me a long time ago he’d call David to come over and get the old water tanks and the other old chair, but he still hasn’t called him. They’ll be here for months. Will he ever do the things he’s said he’s gonna do? This is another reason I’m afraid to have a kid with him. He’s gonna help influence it to be a slob as well as make false promises to it. Well, I’ll never have to worry about this as we both know.

The old twin-size foam pad and two old pillows were out there that he never threw away when I asked him to, so I did.

It’s quite cool out today, only in the 50s. They say it’ll be 70º this Super Bowl Sunday. Great, cuz I know my family will be watching it and Larry and Tammy can really envy me some more.

After I finish the can of Slim-Fast shakes I’ve got, I’m gonna get more. Dairy still makes me bloated and I’m 100, not 104 lately. Besides, I’m not all as determined and motivated as I’d be if I were 110 or higher. The only thing I wish I could do is get myself to keep working out, not to mention my fantasy of quitting smoking and keeping a schedule. Preferably a daytime one.

I’ve finally got 35 pages left in here. I’ve felt like this journal would never end.

Later...

Tom’s home now and later we’re gonna discuss when he’ll be taking his vacation as we’ve got a list of the weeks available for it for the rest of the year. I know it’s gonna be at the end of the year. That’ll be the only time we can afford to go to California if we’re lucky. Even if I knew I could get pregnant, I’m not gonna have my dream of going to California spoiled by a kid. I want a romantic time with him alone, not having to lug a kid around. If we had a kid before, I’d have it stay at Mary’s. She wouldn’t mind. At least knowing I can’t get pregnant, it doesn’t matter when we go as I’ll be free from having to worry about being tied down.

Tom went on the roof to determine the problem. A pipe broke when it froze. See what I mean? It only costs $3 bucks to fix it, but why is everything breaking?

The overhead light in here burned out, so I’ll have to ask Tom to put a new one in after he eats which takes him forever.

Later...

I’m starting to get tired and am gonna wind down with some coffee.

Tom’s got two weeks of vacation due to him and he’s gonna take a week in February and a week in September. Most months are taken anyway. Tom says we don’t need a vacation to go to California and that we can drive there over for a weekend. I keep forgetting just how close to CA we are.

Somewhere between yesterday and today, I’m mid-cycle, so of course Tom won’t touch me. I wouldn’t even try. Over the last few days, he’s been acting like he just wants to be alone. He’s doing the usual now - watching TV. When I asked if he wanted to play cards after he watched TV, I got no answer. I guess that means no.

I’m kind of depressed right now. Once again, I know I’m better off never being a singer or having a kid and it’s becoming easier to accept, but it hurts. It really hurts at times. It hurts how this man has lied to me. Did he always think he could just go along with what I said to make me happy? Didn’t he ever think I’d catch on and question him? Did he think I was that stupid? Did he think his lies would never hurt me?

He swears he’ll help me assemble and launch an art disk for sale, but how can I believe him? How can I believe this when he’s made too many other bogus promises to me before? Any ounce of trust, faith, confidence, belief or positive feelings are completely gone and I feel there’s nothing I or anyone could do to bring it back. Why should I, though? I’d only be setting myself up to fail or be lied to again. I’ll be damned if I let myself or anyone else play me for a fool anymore.

It’s fucking freezing! Yesterday morning and this morning everything froze and steam was emanating from the pool. There was a thin sheet of ice on the lounge out back which is normally just wet morning dew. The grass was also frozen stiff.

Today I’m gonna dust, vacuum, wash kitchen appliances and clean the bathroom.

I finally got the TV to turn off yesterday, but Tom’s been dropping hints to his folks. They’ve been mentioning getting a new TV and maybe we’ll get theirs.

Tom says there is hope for us financially and that we may even be able to go to California this year. He says our tax return will help, then he also went on to tell me his ideas for a second mortgage and refinancing the house. This will allow us to fix the leaky roof over the back room. Luckily, though, the roof over the rest of the house is fine.

Kim will be returning from Florida today. Back to the cold and the snow. Is she really that close to her mother and Doug that she won’t move to Florida when she could afford to? I guess she is. I wonder how many letters Kim will have from Bob waiting for her at the post office.

Tom will be getting in, in 10 minutes and I guess Andy will be here soon too.

I spoke to Tammy yesterday late morning her time and all was still well. I hope I was wrong for her sake, but I still have gloomy feelings revolving around her.

Jenny had to have gotten her stuff before the weekend and so far, it looks like she did get cold feet. I kind of hope so. I more than kind of hope so, but what did she want from me? A quick 5 bucks to use towards her phone bill?

I wonder if Tom had a hard time sleeping knowing Andy was gonna be here. If this is so, it really does a great job of convincing me he wants a kid and can handle a third party around.

Later...

I finally finished cutting out and taping in all those cat pictures from the calendar Kim sent.

I would assume Kim’s on the phone now. Lucky for her that she doesn’t smoke.

Tom’s had no problem with Andy being here and is just as glad to help him out as I am. Andy was gonna sleep on the couch, but I threw him in my bed so I could have the TV.

Speaking of TV, I’m pissed. Now I can’t get the picture to go away at all when I turn the power switch off. How the hell am I gonna record anything now? I had to turn it off by the cable box, but I need that on to record shit. I hope Tom can fix it. We need so many things, yet we have no money.

Then there’s my clock radio. Andy asked to sleep to the radio and that quit on me as I was tuning into KHITS.

If it isn’t just because or if it isn’t Robin, could there be some other entity lurking around that I don’t know about? An evil spirit? One who wants to hold us back in life? And keep me bored? No, I’m not always very good at entertaining myself and keeping myself busy and well-occupied.

I’d like to sing now, but that’d wake Andy up and he doesn’t have to get up for another half-hour.

It is so quiet here today. No barking from two houses down which is a surprise cuz they usually bark constantly.

Andy showed me his journal which I think is ugly. It’s a drawing of a girl in the woods with a pitiful dress and I hate the yellow/orange color scheme. I showed him my new ones. Some he liked, some he didn’t.

He was impressed with my latest artwork. Gloria’s drawing and the kitchen cabinets.

I wrote 8 pages in his journal and typed a certain letter that I’ll explain later.

The birds are major beggars too, by the way.

Later...

Andy got up at 1:30 and took off an hour later. I thought his days of breaking shit, although non-deliberately, were over. For some reason, the shower head’s pressure is weaker. He even mentioned something about it, too. I also heard these weird screeching sounds when he was showering, but that wouldn’t be connected to the shower massage itself.

He got a big kick out of a letter he’s gonna stamp and mail. A guy named Jim T lives at his complex and a girl named Shelly S from Kansas sent him a birthday card. However, his letter was misdelivered to Andy’s. So, I typed a wacky letter to Shelly from Jim and hopefully, Shelly will write to Jim and let him know just how ashamed of him she is.

Andy went straight to work so he won’t have time to read the 8 pages I wrote in his journal till he gets home.

Later...

Tom just got home and is watching TV.

I sang after Andy left and now I’m gonna go listen to music.

I hope I’m wrong as far as my bad vibe for Tammy is concerned today.

Tom just got out of the shower and is getting ready for work.

Want to hear something weird? Well, for months I’ve been weighing 102-104 on the average, but during the last week, I’ve been 98-100, so that’s cool.

Tom’s parents aren’t doing too well. His mom’s arthritis is bad and his dad has under a year to live.

When he was over there on Saturday, Ma gave him some pictures from Christmas at Mary’s to take home and a cat & dog calendar. I put the calendar in the living room where Kim’s daily cat calendar had been and have begun cutting out cat pictures to decorate journals with.

Speaking of journals, due to us being broke I gave up buying lotion and birdseed to get a great deal at Wal-Mart yesterday. They had 112-page journals for $1.97, so I got 4.

It’s amazing how great and how much better things have been with Tom and I. We haven’t had our weekend fights in 2-3 months.

I just got done talking to Andy and he may call me back later.

So, what did the sick, cruel, unfair, evil bastard do this time? Well, 23-year-old, young, dumb, naïve, whacked out, on-and-off druggie Karson’s pregnant. Like Andy said, “Thank God.” He’s a real winner.

Tammy called before I woke up and she and Tom talked computer talk for quite a while. She got the 3 game disks we sent today and she had questions as to how to install them.

Later...

Someone tried to call early last evening, but if it was Jenny, who knows? Tom says it’s probably curiosity that’s driving her to resume the friendship if this is really what she’s hoping for. I don’t even know if she got her letter and certificate, but I’d say she probably did.

Tom will be getting up in a half-hour, but is there any chance he’ll initiate sex? Most certainly not.

We were joking about what is still a serious matter earlier. He was playing this really cool game on the computer called Balistic when he said he wished he’d hurry up and lose cuz he wanted to go to bed. Then I said that if he didn’t want to go to bed, he’d probably lose then. Just like the baby thing. It’s those who don’t want one who are given one. Then he said that that ought to prove he really does want one. I said, “Yeah!” Then, “But I’m sure that all it takes is one person to want it.”

We laughed as he said that wasn’t true.

So anyway, I told Tom, “The next time we have sex, fantasize about being a druggie and killing people and tell yourself you hope this doesn’t make a baby, then we might get one.”

Well, the last of those 3 fantasies is really true as far as he’s concerned. I do want to believe he wants a kid, but I’m still 99.9% sure he doesn’t, is full of shit and is just all talk for the sake of pleasing me.

The last time we screwed was really frustrating. We just couldn’t get the angle right and there was so much air pressure in me cuz he entered me hard and not semi-hard and cuz I’m small and he’s big.

Andy and Michelle found an apt. They’re moving on March 1st and he brought up a suggestion for his birthday other than a toaster. The same thing I got him two birthdays ago. Address labels.

We attempted to re-ink old ribbons, but so far it’s been nothing but a mess and a hassle. I’m sure we’ll find an easier way, though.

I’m in the kitchen now making Lipton garlic noodles.

Let me begin with some nice news before I get to the bad. My cold is virtually gone, so that’s nice.

Yesterday I was amazed to get that third oldie CD in the mail. There was a form to have a friend try one for 10 days and I’d get one free, so Tammy’s gonna be the friend and we’ll see. This time, though, I can almost guarantee they won’t send it.

I also got 60 stamps from Kim which was really nice of her.

Got my parent’s flag catalog. They’ve got a few nice new flags I’m planning on drawing one of these days.

Lastly, I got a typical boring Bob letter.

A big crash woke me up a couple of hours too soon. It was very windy yesterday and their living room awning came crashing down next door. Next door’s been gone for nearly 5 months, yet I get woken up by next door today. Hope that’s not a sign of trouble to come. It’s probably my payback for cussing out God last night, but believe me, I had a really damn good reason to and I’ll explain later what that sick, evil, mother-fucking bastard did this time who’s so fucking busy doing the wrong things for the wrong people.

I just spoke to Andy who told me some pretty gross cockroach stories. Luckily, though, he and Michelle are moving at the end of the month. They’re finally gonna bomb his building early in the morning on the 23rd. Therefore, he’s gonna need to sleep here. He says he’ll be over at 4:30 AM, go to bed, get up at 1:30 PM, shower, and then go to work. I’m sure Tom won’t mind.

Too bad he can’t get in Quinn’s bed, since he loves the guy so much, but Quinn’s just too in the closet.

He said he microwaved something for over a minute. Then when he went to pull his food out, a cockroach ran out! How’d it survive being nuked?

Then he was holding a strip of meat to his mouth with his fingers when he felt something tickle between his middle and ring fingers. Gross!

He also said he went to swat a roach and its guts splattered in his eye. Even grosser!

I wrote Minnie and Bob letters by hand since I had nothing better to do and he’s asleep right by the computer. I hope Minnie can find the time to write back this time.

I still can’t believe God can be so cruel and unfair as to have a child raped into her that she says she’ll give up, but hell if he’ll give me a child! Anyway, these are the kinds of things one much accept and expect. God don’t make no mistakes - bullshit!

Later...

This is weird. My tits usually get lumpy before your period. Mine are still lumpy since I got such a half-assed period. I just hope to hell my PMS before my next period isn’t a nightmare with bloating and sore tits. The sore tits and bloating are the worst part of it.

I’m gonna have to dye the underarms of the purple dress Andy gave me cuz they’re pinkish because whoever wore it sweat their ass off. If she who wore it wasn’t hot, she sure must’ve been nervous as all hell and very uncomfortable about the occasion she wore it to. It’s too bad that the people who made this beautiful dress didn’t think of this. They should’ve put a type of water repellent on it. Putting that on it alone would probably discolor it, though.

Later...

I thought of what I’m gonna do at the end of the year with my dog calendar pictures. It’s high time I remove the watercolor pictures from the boarded window in the living room. They’ve been there long enough and a change is due, so, this is where those dog pictures will go.

Can you believe I’m 30 years old, yet still have occasional dreams with Donna A in them? Last night I dreamt of her and Denise M, but don’t really remember what it was about. I believe at one point I was at Valleyhead again with something like 5 days left till I was to be discharged.